Tips for my first real relationship
November 29, 2015 1:45 PM Subscribe
I am entering what I think could pan out to be my first real, actual relationship. It is so exciting and wonderful and also so scary. Please help me not fuck it up.
I am a 22-year-old female. He is 26. He has had one serious relationship that ended just a few months ago, I think in September. He moved across the country with her and then moved back, where he met me.
We've gone out seven times now, I think. I really like him. He's great, funny, kind, attractive. I've never been through this before and basically have no idea what I'm doing. I know I'm going to make mistakes. But I think if I have a good idea of what the most common mistakes are in the first real relationship, I can work harder to avoid them.
I think my big issue will be anxiety. I'm already an anxious person and I went off my meds a few months ago and I am just so anxious about this whole thing. I can't really control how I feel about him. I feel like a teenager in lust, which is so scary and overwhelming and fun. I never went through this when I was younger. I can see myself getting jealous and worried and letting that damage the relationship. He didn't reply to my text the other night for, like, three hours, and I nearly convinced myself that he had ghosted me. I was ghosted in a previous relationship and also largely treated like shit so that doesn't help. I also got worried the other day about the ex. I know through facebook stalking (I know I know) that they dated for years. He moved in with her. It's only been, like, three months. Can you really get over a super long relationship in that short of time? I was worried I was just a rebound. But then it occurred to me that she is literally across the country. They are not going to cross paths. So then I felt better. But I know feelings and worries like that are going to crop up, and I need a way to deal with it and not let them get the best of me.
I also have issues with intimacy. I've only had sex once before, and before that I was assaulted (not raped, be he sure tried) by a guy in a bar, which was scary and traumatic and awful. I've also been in a TON of situations where I was coerced into doing shit I wasn't comfortable with, which basically means that I'm filled with anxiety and uncertainty about sex and intimacy in general. It's never been an overly positive experience for me, or really a positive experience at all. I want this to be different. I really WANT to sleep with him, honestly, but the one opportunity we had I was high, which made the anxiety worse, and I just couldn't do it. I mean he's great. He doesn't push me. He backed off as soon as he saw I was tense. I know I need to talk to him about it and I'm going to. But is there anything else I can/should be doing?
I also know I need to address the underlying anxiety, which I also am trying to do. I had a good childhood and my parents have a healthy marriage, so I know I have a good idea of what a healthy relationship can look like. I know that I need to communicate with him about everything (and probably clarify what exactly this is, because uhh we haven't done that yet) and put work into the relationship to make sure it stays interesting instead of turning mundane once the initial excitement wears off. But is there anything else? What was your biggest mistake, dear reader? Communicating can be hard for me because anxiety but I know I just nee to push through it and do it anyway.
It's just... he's great and this is fun. This is really fun. I really don't want to make some sort of canon mistake and screw it up.
I am a 22-year-old female. He is 26. He has had one serious relationship that ended just a few months ago, I think in September. He moved across the country with her and then moved back, where he met me.
We've gone out seven times now, I think. I really like him. He's great, funny, kind, attractive. I've never been through this before and basically have no idea what I'm doing. I know I'm going to make mistakes. But I think if I have a good idea of what the most common mistakes are in the first real relationship, I can work harder to avoid them.
I think my big issue will be anxiety. I'm already an anxious person and I went off my meds a few months ago and I am just so anxious about this whole thing. I can't really control how I feel about him. I feel like a teenager in lust, which is so scary and overwhelming and fun. I never went through this when I was younger. I can see myself getting jealous and worried and letting that damage the relationship. He didn't reply to my text the other night for, like, three hours, and I nearly convinced myself that he had ghosted me. I was ghosted in a previous relationship and also largely treated like shit so that doesn't help. I also got worried the other day about the ex. I know through facebook stalking (I know I know) that they dated for years. He moved in with her. It's only been, like, three months. Can you really get over a super long relationship in that short of time? I was worried I was just a rebound. But then it occurred to me that she is literally across the country. They are not going to cross paths. So then I felt better. But I know feelings and worries like that are going to crop up, and I need a way to deal with it and not let them get the best of me.
I also have issues with intimacy. I've only had sex once before, and before that I was assaulted (not raped, be he sure tried) by a guy in a bar, which was scary and traumatic and awful. I've also been in a TON of situations where I was coerced into doing shit I wasn't comfortable with, which basically means that I'm filled with anxiety and uncertainty about sex and intimacy in general. It's never been an overly positive experience for me, or really a positive experience at all. I want this to be different. I really WANT to sleep with him, honestly, but the one opportunity we had I was high, which made the anxiety worse, and I just couldn't do it. I mean he's great. He doesn't push me. He backed off as soon as he saw I was tense. I know I need to talk to him about it and I'm going to. But is there anything else I can/should be doing?
I also know I need to address the underlying anxiety, which I also am trying to do. I had a good childhood and my parents have a healthy marriage, so I know I have a good idea of what a healthy relationship can look like. I know that I need to communicate with him about everything (and probably clarify what exactly this is, because uhh we haven't done that yet) and put work into the relationship to make sure it stays interesting instead of turning mundane once the initial excitement wears off. But is there anything else? What was your biggest mistake, dear reader? Communicating can be hard for me because anxiety but I know I just nee to push through it and do it anyway.
It's just... he's great and this is fun. This is really fun. I really don't want to make some sort of canon mistake and screw it up.
Never worry about making a mistake in a relationship. Treat him how you'd like to be treated and you'll be fine.
But being anxious and worrying, being all ready to assume the blame should the relationship go awry isn't a healthy way to begin participating in any kind of relationship that you hope will be fair and equally fulfilling. You're so ready to do all the work already that I wonder if a relationship is really going to be good for you (based on what you've written and how fearful you are).
It could put you in a dangerous position. For me, I got involved with an older and more experienced man when I was just starting college, and spent more than a decade doing so much work and being the perfect girlfriend that it took me a long time to realize that my ex was more than happy to blame my anxiety for the times he engaged in hurtful and egregious behavior, and that showcased his absolute lack of integrity. My anxiety, however, was due to a lot of his gaslighting and compulsive lying. It wasn't my fault. I am so happy to say I left knowing I tried my best, was compassionate, and that his bad behavior and cruelty and character flaws were not my fault and certainly not due to my anxiety.
So, my advice is that you should stop worrying, stop taking on the burden of any potential problems and learn early to let it all go. None of it is as much under your control as you desperately want it to be.
So Just remember to stay true to yourself, listen to your gut, act with dignity, respect, integrity, and empathy, and accept the relationship if it works and let it go if it doesn't.
posted by discopolo at 2:15 PM on November 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
But being anxious and worrying, being all ready to assume the blame should the relationship go awry isn't a healthy way to begin participating in any kind of relationship that you hope will be fair and equally fulfilling. You're so ready to do all the work already that I wonder if a relationship is really going to be good for you (based on what you've written and how fearful you are).
It could put you in a dangerous position. For me, I got involved with an older and more experienced man when I was just starting college, and spent more than a decade doing so much work and being the perfect girlfriend that it took me a long time to realize that my ex was more than happy to blame my anxiety for the times he engaged in hurtful and egregious behavior, and that showcased his absolute lack of integrity. My anxiety, however, was due to a lot of his gaslighting and compulsive lying. It wasn't my fault. I am so happy to say I left knowing I tried my best, was compassionate, and that his bad behavior and cruelty and character flaws were not my fault and certainly not due to my anxiety.
So, my advice is that you should stop worrying, stop taking on the burden of any potential problems and learn early to let it all go. None of it is as much under your control as you desperately want it to be.
So Just remember to stay true to yourself, listen to your gut, act with dignity, respect, integrity, and empathy, and accept the relationship if it works and let it go if it doesn't.
posted by discopolo at 2:15 PM on November 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
Congratulations on what sounds like a fun and awesome relationship blooming!
As for anxiety, any new relationship can be as scary as it is is awesome because you're just getting to know each other. I think your concern about the text last night is unfortunate but not uncommon, you know? I'd look into counseling if it continues to be a problem for a check-in and wellness strategies; fortunately, it sounds like you're quite self-aware about your anxiety, which is a good thing. But weekly check-ins with a third party could be nice, too! If it would help you take some pressure off yourself, it might it help to see your relationship as a week-to-week or even day-by-day thing. You won't know if this is a good match long-term until you've been together for awhile so worrying now isn't going to help for your future. (Easier said than done, right?) However, even the most wonderful, life-long relationships start a day at a time and built on itself. Like phunniemee said, just check in with yourself to see if it's working for you rather than wondering about him for now.
As for his past relationship, it may still be something he's processing on a daily basis but it might also have be over long before it officially ended, you know what I mean? It may naturally come up occasionally but I'd hope and assume he's got others he can lean on for now while things with you are still fresh.
I'm sorry to hear about the assault you experienced in the past but can personally attest to how wonderful sexual and emotional intimacy can be even as a survivor. Please take your time, be open with your partner, and get professional support if needed as you process things. As for everyone, good moments can also bring up some bad memories; you can get through it just fine but it helps to have some tools and support. Your boyfriend can be a great support but you wouldn't want him to feel solely responsible for helping you deal with it all. (Not that you'd expect him to, and I'm sure he'll want to be supportive as much as he can.)
Communication is the magic word for all of this: as you noted, it's easy to say but how to do it is another story. Good communication is less about a giant, one-time heart-to-heart but consistently checking in with one another. If he suggests you two go bowling and you hate bowling, you say: "You know, I really do want to go on the date with you but have to admit I'm not the biggest fan of bowling." And then you briefly talk it out, and find something that works. (It may be bowling after all, it could be something else or it could be a compromise.) You can bring up texting, "Hey, I find the whole business of texting to be quite stressful when it comes to dating." And you see what he says: maybe the mere conversation alone will clarify things and make you both feel better or perhaps you two can decide to set some parameters, etc.
Like discopolo said, mistakes are going to happen; disagreements will happen, too. Sometimes they are a sign of incompatibility and sometimes they've just par for the course when two people start aligning their lives. It's not so much about avoiding them the first time but dealing with them effectively so you can avoid them from happening again (or find a workable solution when they do.) With anxiety, sometimes our spidey sense is off but our gut feeling is also important. A great resource for all things relationship-related is Scarleteen, so I recommend you check out their articles if you haven't already! For now, I hope you two can enjoy your time together and see where things go! I wish both of you much luck and happiness.
posted by smorgasbord at 2:16 PM on November 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
As for anxiety, any new relationship can be as scary as it is is awesome because you're just getting to know each other. I think your concern about the text last night is unfortunate but not uncommon, you know? I'd look into counseling if it continues to be a problem for a check-in and wellness strategies; fortunately, it sounds like you're quite self-aware about your anxiety, which is a good thing. But weekly check-ins with a third party could be nice, too! If it would help you take some pressure off yourself, it might it help to see your relationship as a week-to-week or even day-by-day thing. You won't know if this is a good match long-term until you've been together for awhile so worrying now isn't going to help for your future. (Easier said than done, right?) However, even the most wonderful, life-long relationships start a day at a time and built on itself. Like phunniemee said, just check in with yourself to see if it's working for you rather than wondering about him for now.
As for his past relationship, it may still be something he's processing on a daily basis but it might also have be over long before it officially ended, you know what I mean? It may naturally come up occasionally but I'd hope and assume he's got others he can lean on for now while things with you are still fresh.
I'm sorry to hear about the assault you experienced in the past but can personally attest to how wonderful sexual and emotional intimacy can be even as a survivor. Please take your time, be open with your partner, and get professional support if needed as you process things. As for everyone, good moments can also bring up some bad memories; you can get through it just fine but it helps to have some tools and support. Your boyfriend can be a great support but you wouldn't want him to feel solely responsible for helping you deal with it all. (Not that you'd expect him to, and I'm sure he'll want to be supportive as much as he can.)
Communication is the magic word for all of this: as you noted, it's easy to say but how to do it is another story. Good communication is less about a giant, one-time heart-to-heart but consistently checking in with one another. If he suggests you two go bowling and you hate bowling, you say: "You know, I really do want to go on the date with you but have to admit I'm not the biggest fan of bowling." And then you briefly talk it out, and find something that works. (It may be bowling after all, it could be something else or it could be a compromise.) You can bring up texting, "Hey, I find the whole business of texting to be quite stressful when it comes to dating." And you see what he says: maybe the mere conversation alone will clarify things and make you both feel better or perhaps you two can decide to set some parameters, etc.
Like discopolo said, mistakes are going to happen; disagreements will happen, too. Sometimes they are a sign of incompatibility and sometimes they've just par for the course when two people start aligning their lives. It's not so much about avoiding them the first time but dealing with them effectively so you can avoid them from happening again (or find a workable solution when they do.) With anxiety, sometimes our spidey sense is off but our gut feeling is also important. A great resource for all things relationship-related is Scarleteen, so I recommend you check out their articles if you haven't already! For now, I hope you two can enjoy your time together and see where things go! I wish both of you much luck and happiness.
posted by smorgasbord at 2:16 PM on November 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Remember that feeling anxious or bad within the context of a relationship isn't the end of the world, or necessarily an indicator that you've done something wrong. Talk things through from time to time - and if that works out more often than not, then keep at it.
posted by lumensimus at 2:38 PM on November 29, 2015
posted by lumensimus at 2:38 PM on November 29, 2015
It's targeted at people a bit younger than you, but do you read Rookie at all? I'm 34 and I actually enjoy it a lot, and they cover a lot of the basics of 'How to start out in relationships' stuff from a funny, wise and grounded perspective. I sure wish I'd had it available to me when I was 22!
posted by pretentious illiterate at 3:41 PM on November 29, 2015
posted by pretentious illiterate at 3:41 PM on November 29, 2015
A couple of random thoughts:
On rebound relationships and "is he really over her?" I think with this kind of thing only time can tell. I once dated a guy who was clearly on a rebound with me -- not because he was still into his ex (he was not at all), but because he just was not ready to get into anything really serious with me, and that was what I wanted. Then again, right after dating that guy I ended up dating another guy who was just a couple of months out of a serious, living together type of relationship, and we are now married! So in that other case obviously he was ready to move on. It's just really highly dependent on the person and their own emotional state.
I think the best way to deal with the type of relationship anxiety you describe is investing a lot in your life OUTSIDE your relationship with this dude. It is so so so tempting to put all of your emotional energy and spare time towards a new relationship! But, my experience over time is that my emotional state is a lot more stable and healthy when I make an effort to make sure my life is awesome and happy without the relationship. So, make time to hang out with friends, spend time on your hobbies, take a class, read through that list of novels you've got on your Kindle, do some yoga, basically whatever floats your boat. This both decreases the importance of how this relationship turns out -- which honestly, at 7 dates in, it's simply hard to tell -- and also puts your focus off of obsessing on these little details. You won't notice he hasn't texted you back for three hours because you're too busy coding that new app you thought up or playing tennis with your best friend. You won't have time to stalk his ex on Facebook because you're taking a mixology class and learning how to make awesome new cocktails. Or whatever!
posted by rainbowbrite at 3:51 PM on November 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
On rebound relationships and "is he really over her?" I think with this kind of thing only time can tell. I once dated a guy who was clearly on a rebound with me -- not because he was still into his ex (he was not at all), but because he just was not ready to get into anything really serious with me, and that was what I wanted. Then again, right after dating that guy I ended up dating another guy who was just a couple of months out of a serious, living together type of relationship, and we are now married! So in that other case obviously he was ready to move on. It's just really highly dependent on the person and their own emotional state.
I think the best way to deal with the type of relationship anxiety you describe is investing a lot in your life OUTSIDE your relationship with this dude. It is so so so tempting to put all of your emotional energy and spare time towards a new relationship! But, my experience over time is that my emotional state is a lot more stable and healthy when I make an effort to make sure my life is awesome and happy without the relationship. So, make time to hang out with friends, spend time on your hobbies, take a class, read through that list of novels you've got on your Kindle, do some yoga, basically whatever floats your boat. This both decreases the importance of how this relationship turns out -- which honestly, at 7 dates in, it's simply hard to tell -- and also puts your focus off of obsessing on these little details. You won't notice he hasn't texted you back for three hours because you're too busy coding that new app you thought up or playing tennis with your best friend. You won't have time to stalk his ex on Facebook because you're taking a mixology class and learning how to make awesome new cocktails. Or whatever!
posted by rainbowbrite at 3:51 PM on November 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
Don't stress out about it. If you like who you are and the life you have, the odds that your relationship will go better are much higher. Have fun!
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 4:17 PM on November 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 4:17 PM on November 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Remember to breathe. You're freaking out. Alas, you can't really talk yourself all the way down when you are where you are. You'll have to roll with it. But, still, remember to breathe.
Try not to attach monumental significance to every little thing that happens. It is very easy to do this. You will probably do it despite yourself. But a good relationship won't be wrecked by the occasional wrong note, and a bad one can't be saved by a few heart melting moments. As much as you can, avoid drawing a new grand conclusion about your future together after every date.
Sex is a big deal. My advice, go slow, make out and fool around like you were teenagers for a while. Probably you will find your anxiety replaced by other feelings if you just take it a little slow. You want the first time to be YES FINALLY HURRAY, not oh god I hope it's not awful. He probably won't understand going slow unless you talk to him, so next time you get some private time, do this.
I hope it won't ever be an issue, but don't give up your self-respect or integrity. Your first real relationship is when it is easiest to do this. You being a little older will help, but if you are hearing that little voice that says "this is wrong", listen to it.
Have fun. Remember to breathe.
posted by mattu at 4:51 PM on November 29, 2015
Try not to attach monumental significance to every little thing that happens. It is very easy to do this. You will probably do it despite yourself. But a good relationship won't be wrecked by the occasional wrong note, and a bad one can't be saved by a few heart melting moments. As much as you can, avoid drawing a new grand conclusion about your future together after every date.
Sex is a big deal. My advice, go slow, make out and fool around like you were teenagers for a while. Probably you will find your anxiety replaced by other feelings if you just take it a little slow. You want the first time to be YES FINALLY HURRAY, not oh god I hope it's not awful. He probably won't understand going slow unless you talk to him, so next time you get some private time, do this.
I hope it won't ever be an issue, but don't give up your self-respect or integrity. Your first real relationship is when it is easiest to do this. You being a little older will help, but if you are hearing that little voice that says "this is wrong", listen to it.
Have fun. Remember to breathe.
posted by mattu at 4:51 PM on November 29, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks for the wonderful replies. To add another slight dimension to all of this, I have this Mystery Health Thing going on that's suddenly awoken all of the dormant anxiety that I apparently have. So I have this general anxiety thing going on that's spilling over onto everything, which is not fun. But what I'm trying to say is the source isn't JUST the relationship. The relationship is causing a chunk of it but Mystery Health Thing also contributes a lot. I think it's because I often don't feel super well, and when something in my body feels really off it gives me bad general anxiety. But anyway. That's another discussion.
I'm really happy with who I am as a person right now, which helps a lot. I think what I could afford to do is getting hobbies outside of work. That would help. I also just finished college and don't have a super lot of friends in the area, so I think trying to have a more solid friend group actually physically present in my life would help.
But anywho. Thanks again for the replies. I haven't picked a favorite because they're all great.
posted by Amy93 at 5:07 PM on November 29, 2015
I'm really happy with who I am as a person right now, which helps a lot. I think what I could afford to do is getting hobbies outside of work. That would help. I also just finished college and don't have a super lot of friends in the area, so I think trying to have a more solid friend group actually physically present in my life would help.
But anywho. Thanks again for the replies. I haven't picked a favorite because they're all great.
posted by Amy93 at 5:07 PM on November 29, 2015
I wish you the best of luck! This sounds really exciting and I hope it brings you lots of joy and fun! This is the advice I would give:
-Keep up the good work with pushing through the anxiety to communicate your feelings, your desires, and your needs. It's okay to tell him "I struggle with anxiety so this is hard for me, please be patient." It sounds like you are doing awesome with this.
-You ask what "communicating everything" means, and that's basically just being in tune with your own emotions and voicing them. Tell him the things he does that make you happy. Talk to him whenever you think you might have different expectations (e.g. for amount of contact through texts/emails, for when you introduce each other to your friends, etc.). Talk to him about the things you would like to do with him, including in bed. Talk about when you feel nervous, or scared, or unsafe, and let him know if there's something he can do. Ask him to communicate his thoughts and feelings if you're ever confused or unsure about anything he says or does. If you feel like you are not currently in tune with your own emotions, maybe spend some more time on them; consider journaling, or just take some time in your day to be introspective about the emotions you feel like and the thoughts and physical sensations that accompany them.
-But as a caveat to that, don't communicate every anxious thought you have to him, because you don't want to make him responsible for managing your anxiety and reassuring you. It can be so easy sometimes to tell your partner every time you're unsure about the relationship, or ask him to confirm he really does love you and you really are lovable. But that just starts off a pattern of ups and downs and doesn't give your relationship stability. You will be healthier and happier if you figure out how to manage these thoughts on your own. I just saw this MeFi comment with some free anxiety workbooks the other day, and they look awesome.
-Stop Facebook stalking (make a promise to yourself like "every time I start to look at stuff with him and his ex on Facebook, I will go on Buzzfeed and watch a cat video instead") and ditch the "rebound" cliches when you think to yourself about this relationship. If this relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't work out for its own reasons, not because it's a "rebound". I think it's important to see your relationship as its own special thing made up of two unique people, not part of a cultural narrative with pre-ordained roles.
So to answer your question of common mistakes people make in a first relationship, I would basically re-address those points:
1) Assuming your partner can and/or should be able to guess what you are thinking or feeling without you telling them. Assuming you're supposed to do that for them.
2) Not being in tune enough with your own feelings to understand when something about the relationship is making you unhappy or uncomfortable. Or, being too scared to "rock the boat" and ask for something about the relationship to change, since what you have now is working.
3) Relying on your partner to reassure you constantly. Feeling like they are the only stabilizing force for your self-esteem. Forgetting to keep your own healthy behaviors and support networks strong, because it feels like you can rely on your partner for that.
4) Trying to craft a specific narrative around the relationship and mentally forcing yourself and your partner into specific roles. (And that could be "the rebound relationship", but it could also be "soulmates". Positive or negative, avoid cliches entirely. Your relationship is not a cliche.)
posted by capricorn at 7:39 PM on November 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
-Keep up the good work with pushing through the anxiety to communicate your feelings, your desires, and your needs. It's okay to tell him "I struggle with anxiety so this is hard for me, please be patient." It sounds like you are doing awesome with this.
-You ask what "communicating everything" means, and that's basically just being in tune with your own emotions and voicing them. Tell him the things he does that make you happy. Talk to him whenever you think you might have different expectations (e.g. for amount of contact through texts/emails, for when you introduce each other to your friends, etc.). Talk to him about the things you would like to do with him, including in bed. Talk about when you feel nervous, or scared, or unsafe, and let him know if there's something he can do. Ask him to communicate his thoughts and feelings if you're ever confused or unsure about anything he says or does. If you feel like you are not currently in tune with your own emotions, maybe spend some more time on them; consider journaling, or just take some time in your day to be introspective about the emotions you feel like and the thoughts and physical sensations that accompany them.
-But as a caveat to that, don't communicate every anxious thought you have to him, because you don't want to make him responsible for managing your anxiety and reassuring you. It can be so easy sometimes to tell your partner every time you're unsure about the relationship, or ask him to confirm he really does love you and you really are lovable. But that just starts off a pattern of ups and downs and doesn't give your relationship stability. You will be healthier and happier if you figure out how to manage these thoughts on your own. I just saw this MeFi comment with some free anxiety workbooks the other day, and they look awesome.
-Stop Facebook stalking (make a promise to yourself like "every time I start to look at stuff with him and his ex on Facebook, I will go on Buzzfeed and watch a cat video instead") and ditch the "rebound" cliches when you think to yourself about this relationship. If this relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't work out for its own reasons, not because it's a "rebound". I think it's important to see your relationship as its own special thing made up of two unique people, not part of a cultural narrative with pre-ordained roles.
So to answer your question of common mistakes people make in a first relationship, I would basically re-address those points:
1) Assuming your partner can and/or should be able to guess what you are thinking or feeling without you telling them. Assuming you're supposed to do that for them.
2) Not being in tune enough with your own feelings to understand when something about the relationship is making you unhappy or uncomfortable. Or, being too scared to "rock the boat" and ask for something about the relationship to change, since what you have now is working.
3) Relying on your partner to reassure you constantly. Feeling like they are the only stabilizing force for your self-esteem. Forgetting to keep your own healthy behaviors and support networks strong, because it feels like you can rely on your partner for that.
4) Trying to craft a specific narrative around the relationship and mentally forcing yourself and your partner into specific roles. (And that could be "the rebound relationship", but it could also be "soulmates". Positive or negative, avoid cliches entirely. Your relationship is not a cliche.)
posted by capricorn at 7:39 PM on November 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Also, smorgasbord brought up the topic of conflicts in relationships, and I have some advice around conflicts too, if/when they arise:
-Address a specific thing before you address a pattern, e.g. don't blindside him with "you NEVER do the dishes" before you've already asked him "do you think you could do the dishes tonight?" or told him "it bothered me that you didn't help me with the dishes earlier" at least once or twice!
-Don't call each other names. It's the one thing you can never really take back.
-Step back and ask yourself if what you're arguing about really matters. If it feels like one of you has to 'win' arguments, that person should do some reflecting. You guys are on the same team--Team Your Relationship. There isn't a winner and loser.
-Trust him 100% and assume that if he tells you something or asks you for something, he is not lying or hiding the real truth. If you ever feel you cannot trust that he's telling the truth, then that is a sign that something is wrong with the relationship. (Even if, relevant to your case, that something is just "I am not managing my anxiety well right now. I need to make a better plan." But don't assume it's always just you and your anxiety! Listen to your gut!)
posted by capricorn at 7:52 PM on November 29, 2015
-Address a specific thing before you address a pattern, e.g. don't blindside him with "you NEVER do the dishes" before you've already asked him "do you think you could do the dishes tonight?" or told him "it bothered me that you didn't help me with the dishes earlier" at least once or twice!
-Don't call each other names. It's the one thing you can never really take back.
-Step back and ask yourself if what you're arguing about really matters. If it feels like one of you has to 'win' arguments, that person should do some reflecting. You guys are on the same team--Team Your Relationship. There isn't a winner and loser.
-Trust him 100% and assume that if he tells you something or asks you for something, he is not lying or hiding the real truth. If you ever feel you cannot trust that he's telling the truth, then that is a sign that something is wrong with the relationship. (Even if, relevant to your case, that something is just "I am not managing my anxiety well right now. I need to make a better plan." But don't assume it's always just you and your anxiety! Listen to your gut!)
posted by capricorn at 7:52 PM on November 29, 2015
Response by poster: Great responses, again. I'm not trying to threadsit, but I just thought of another question, so I'd like to throw it into the masses, and then I swear I'll shut up.
When do you have The Talk, if at all? Is it necessary? By Talk I mean the are-we-exclusive, is-this-official talk. Because last week someone asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend and we both laughed and fumbled and he said, in a joking way, "way to make it awkward!". So like. I feel like we need to figure this out. We need to be on the same page. I've heard some people say it's unnecessary, but to me it feels necessary, at least in this case. But I don't know. On the other hand it feels almost... insecure, needy almost. Like the kind of thing you see in high school relationships. I have friends who never had it. They just knew. In the past I haven't had it, but I'm pretty sure he was cheating on his girlfriend with me, so that's awkward.
Anyway. The more I write it the more necessary it seems. What do y'all think? (And then, seriously, I'll shut up.)
posted by Amy93 at 9:24 PM on November 29, 2015
When do you have The Talk, if at all? Is it necessary? By Talk I mean the are-we-exclusive, is-this-official talk. Because last week someone asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend and we both laughed and fumbled and he said, in a joking way, "way to make it awkward!". So like. I feel like we need to figure this out. We need to be on the same page. I've heard some people say it's unnecessary, but to me it feels necessary, at least in this case. But I don't know. On the other hand it feels almost... insecure, needy almost. Like the kind of thing you see in high school relationships. I have friends who never had it. They just knew. In the past I haven't had it, but I'm pretty sure he was cheating on his girlfriend with me, so that's awkward.
Anyway. The more I write it the more necessary it seems. What do y'all think? (And then, seriously, I'll shut up.)
posted by Amy93 at 9:24 PM on November 29, 2015
The reasons you are giving for wanting to discuss this are great. I see no good reason not to do so.
It's not at all insecure or needy to want to know where you stand, I think it's in fact quite mature.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:41 AM on November 30, 2015
It's not at all insecure or needy to want to know where you stand, I think it's in fact quite mature.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:41 AM on November 30, 2015
Here are some more tips about communication: if you are really upset about something, then there are two ways to talk about it. One way is aggressive and accusing; it assumes that the other person deliberately meant to hurt you or generalizes from one instance of bad behavior to a wider pattern of awfulness, i.e., "You never think before you speak, and so you're always saying things that hurt my feelings and I wish you could just be more considerate once in a while!" or "You knew that I am starving when I get back from work but your dumb video games are clearly way more important to you than me. I can't believe that you made me wait for an hour before we went to get dinner. That's so selfish!" Those are good ways to start arguments but not very good ways to start a productive discussion.
But there are other ways to frame the same problems: if you focus on how their behavior made you feel and acknowledge your part in the miscommunication and assume that whatever they did something that hurt you was done by accident instead of out of malice, then you won't make your partner immediately defensive and you can work on an actual solution to the problem For instance, "Can I talk to you about something? I'm feeling sort of sad, because last night when I came over to your place, I was really hungry, but you were so engrossed in your video game that we didn't go get dinner for another hour. I know I probably should have told you more clearly that I was really hungry, and I get how easy it is to get sucked into things like video games, but I guess I also just felt sort of sad, because I had been looking forward to seeing you all day, and then I felt like you weren't as excited to see me, and so I got into a sort of worried and anxious spiral, and I'm still a bit stuck there."
Side note: this only works if your partner is genuinely a good person and their mistakes are honest ones, not manipulative, abusive ones. It sounds like your guy is a good guy, so this side not is probably not relevant to this relationship, but it's something to keep in the back of your mind.
posted by colfax at 1:18 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
But there are other ways to frame the same problems: if you focus on how their behavior made you feel and acknowledge your part in the miscommunication and assume that whatever they did something that hurt you was done by accident instead of out of malice, then you won't make your partner immediately defensive and you can work on an actual solution to the problem For instance, "Can I talk to you about something? I'm feeling sort of sad, because last night when I came over to your place, I was really hungry, but you were so engrossed in your video game that we didn't go get dinner for another hour. I know I probably should have told you more clearly that I was really hungry, and I get how easy it is to get sucked into things like video games, but I guess I also just felt sort of sad, because I had been looking forward to seeing you all day, and then I felt like you weren't as excited to see me, and so I got into a sort of worried and anxious spiral, and I'm still a bit stuck there."
Side note: this only works if your partner is genuinely a good person and their mistakes are honest ones, not manipulative, abusive ones. It sounds like your guy is a good guy, so this side not is probably not relevant to this relationship, but it's something to keep in the back of your mind.
posted by colfax at 1:18 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is what I did when I was batsh*t in love with my then boyfriend/now husband.
I let him set the pace. I did text-for-text and email-for-email. If he only texted me once a day, I only texted him once a day. I'd spend an hour crafting a text but I didn't want to bother him.
I abused my twitter account. Every bullsh*t little thing I wanted to share with him, I shared with my 100 twitter followers.
I emailed everyone I knew and met them for lunch and dinners to fill the time between when I would see HIM again. I enriched my life fully.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:11 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I let him set the pace. I did text-for-text and email-for-email. If he only texted me once a day, I only texted him once a day. I'd spend an hour crafting a text but I didn't want to bother him.
I abused my twitter account. Every bullsh*t little thing I wanted to share with him, I shared with my 100 twitter followers.
I emailed everyone I knew and met them for lunch and dinners to fill the time between when I would see HIM again. I enriched my life fully.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:11 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
When do you have The Talk, if at all? Is it necessary? By Talk I mean the are-we-exclusive, is-this-official talk.
At no point should your relationship status be based on tentative questions about what someone else might be thinking. Express what *you* want & see if he's on board.
If you have reached a point when you think to yourself, I want to be exclusive and see where this goes with this guy, then you say that to the guy and ask him if he's on the same page. Then you move on from there, together or apart. It can be a capital-letter The Talk kind of talk, or it can be casual, depending on your personalities. But it shouldn't be you waiting/hoping/afraid to not ask but afraid of how they'll look if they do ask.....
I feel like we need to figure this out. We need to be on the same page.
Sounds like you're ready to talk. Not ask, but talk.
posted by headnsouth at 9:21 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
At no point should your relationship status be based on tentative questions about what someone else might be thinking. Express what *you* want & see if he's on board.
If you have reached a point when you think to yourself, I want to be exclusive and see where this goes with this guy, then you say that to the guy and ask him if he's on the same page. Then you move on from there, together or apart. It can be a capital-letter The Talk kind of talk, or it can be casual, depending on your personalities. But it shouldn't be you waiting/hoping/afraid to not ask but afraid of how they'll look if they do ask.....
I feel like we need to figure this out. We need to be on the same page.
Sounds like you're ready to talk. Not ask, but talk.
posted by headnsouth at 9:21 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Turn off facebook as much as possible. Leechblock, uninstall, close account, whatever. It's toxic.
The anxiety is totally reasonable given the past experience of coercion and sexual assault. Your partner needs to be accommodating. Especially as he's older and has more relationship experience; if you don't get a relaxed, explicitly space-making acknowledgement of the difficulty surrounding that, you shouldn't feel pressure to override your hesitation. There will be other partners who are understanding. Take things at a pace that is comfortable to you. Make integrity with your own sense of right and wrong, your own inner voice of comfort or discomfort, the overriding priority. It won't become easier if you try to push through it or force yourself to accept things you're not comfortable with.
Practice hearing your inner voice, then writing down, then voicing your needs and preferences. If they don't get reasonable, respectable, and ultimately needs-meeting and satisfying responses from your partner, they're not the right partner.
It's reasonable to state that you want your partner to be monogamous as soon as you feel that way. If they don't want to be monogamous, they should be able to say as much clearly and weigh the consequences of that. It's reasonable to break off a relationship that has a different monogamy-status than the one you want. It's reasonable to require clarity on that issue.
What you want to learn to do is state your feelings and needs early, often, clearly, non-confrontationally, non-blaming but also with enough force and awareness that you respect your own needs. To do that you're going to be practicing both on the communicating-side and the perceiving-own-needs / feeling-confident-enough-to-say-them side.
Good luck and have fun! I hate to be the typical MeFi "leave him if he doesn't do XYZ" person, but 22 is really very young and you should be open to the possibility that this is just one of many relationships, which you'll learn from and enjoy but ultimately find things you want to change that can't be changed. Don't fixate on perfection. Spend your energy on relationship skills and getting right with yourself; and if the time comes to move on, you'll transfer those skills to the next relationship.
posted by ead at 9:43 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
The anxiety is totally reasonable given the past experience of coercion and sexual assault. Your partner needs to be accommodating. Especially as he's older and has more relationship experience; if you don't get a relaxed, explicitly space-making acknowledgement of the difficulty surrounding that, you shouldn't feel pressure to override your hesitation. There will be other partners who are understanding. Take things at a pace that is comfortable to you. Make integrity with your own sense of right and wrong, your own inner voice of comfort or discomfort, the overriding priority. It won't become easier if you try to push through it or force yourself to accept things you're not comfortable with.
Practice hearing your inner voice, then writing down, then voicing your needs and preferences. If they don't get reasonable, respectable, and ultimately needs-meeting and satisfying responses from your partner, they're not the right partner.
It's reasonable to state that you want your partner to be monogamous as soon as you feel that way. If they don't want to be monogamous, they should be able to say as much clearly and weigh the consequences of that. It's reasonable to break off a relationship that has a different monogamy-status than the one you want. It's reasonable to require clarity on that issue.
What you want to learn to do is state your feelings and needs early, often, clearly, non-confrontationally, non-blaming but also with enough force and awareness that you respect your own needs. To do that you're going to be practicing both on the communicating-side and the perceiving-own-needs / feeling-confident-enough-to-say-them side.
Good luck and have fun! I hate to be the typical MeFi "leave him if he doesn't do XYZ" person, but 22 is really very young and you should be open to the possibility that this is just one of many relationships, which you'll learn from and enjoy but ultimately find things you want to change that can't be changed. Don't fixate on perfection. Spend your energy on relationship skills and getting right with yourself; and if the time comes to move on, you'll transfer those skills to the next relationship.
posted by ead at 9:43 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
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posted by phunniemee at 1:57 PM on November 29, 2015 [35 favorites]