Modifying the Parenting Plan with an irrational ex-
November 28, 2015 3:10 AM Subscribe
My ex- and I have struggled to coparent cooperatively. We share joint physical/legal custody, and it's been very high conflict. When we divorced a year ago, we wrote our custody agreement hastily and agreed to a schedule that we both feel is not ideal for our 6 year old son - too many transitions and it's confusing/unpredictable for such a young child. We've known for some time that our custody agreement needs to be redone for that reason alone. Since the custody agreement was signed, even more circumstances arose that signaled the need for a farther-reaching parenting plan to replace the custody agreement; we need one that states a mutual commitment to shielding our son from conflict and reduces ambiguity around resolving disagreements, holidays, schoolwork, significant others and parenting a child with ADHD/SPD.
So I know YANML, but I'd still like to pick everyone's brains as to what terms I shouldn't miss including in the plan.
Most importantly, I wonder if there's some way I can use the parenting plan to help manage my ex-'s irrational behavior. Basically, he tends to read everything as a personal attack and will shut down discussion before a decision gets made for our son. I will lay out painstakingly detailed logic in terms of pros/cons for our child and he'll respond by just saying things like "you're pushy" or "you're just trying to insult me" or "you always have to get your way." Sometimes important decisions never get made and our son loses out just because the ex did the equivalent of storming off and slamming the door shut on further dialog. Furthermore, he has this habit of misremembering and replacing fact with vague recollections of things that never happened, which somehow always advance his own agenda. Are there any sort of clauses I can put in the parenting plan that will head off this sort of unproductive behavior and replace it concrete statements in the format of "In the event of x, we both agree to do y"?
This is just scratching the surface. He's been combative with/critical of me in front of our son, has refused to accept and learn about our child's diagnoses, exposed him to somewhat of a revolving door of girlfriends with kids in the past year. Any general unsolicited advice is appreciated, but mainly I'd like to request help with the irrationality part and my dealings with him. The fact that he's willing to redo our parenting plan on account of the schedule makes this a rare opportunity to get our conduct/communications right for our son going forward.
Thanks!
So I know YANML, but I'd still like to pick everyone's brains as to what terms I shouldn't miss including in the plan.
Most importantly, I wonder if there's some way I can use the parenting plan to help manage my ex-'s irrational behavior. Basically, he tends to read everything as a personal attack and will shut down discussion before a decision gets made for our son. I will lay out painstakingly detailed logic in terms of pros/cons for our child and he'll respond by just saying things like "you're pushy" or "you're just trying to insult me" or "you always have to get your way." Sometimes important decisions never get made and our son loses out just because the ex did the equivalent of storming off and slamming the door shut on further dialog. Furthermore, he has this habit of misremembering and replacing fact with vague recollections of things that never happened, which somehow always advance his own agenda. Are there any sort of clauses I can put in the parenting plan that will head off this sort of unproductive behavior and replace it concrete statements in the format of "In the event of x, we both agree to do y"?
This is just scratching the surface. He's been combative with/critical of me in front of our son, has refused to accept and learn about our child's diagnoses, exposed him to somewhat of a revolving door of girlfriends with kids in the past year. Any general unsolicited advice is appreciated, but mainly I'd like to request help with the irrationality part and my dealings with him. The fact that he's willing to redo our parenting plan on account of the schedule makes this a rare opportunity to get our conduct/communications right for our son going forward.
Thanks!
I don't want to say this to bum you out because clearly you have great intentions and want to do the right thing.
You can get a mediator, you can even get a lawyer and write the perfect plan and be thoughtful and fair and kind and pay a lot of money, and
it won't make one bit of difference.
Your ex wants to be combative, obnoxious, ignore your kid's diagnosis, etc. There's nothing you can do to stop it. Not a damned thing.
I wonder if there's some way I can use the parenting plan to help manage my ex-'s irrational behavior.
No. A million times, NO. And it sucks and I'm sorry. What you need to do is forget about working with an irrational ex and figure out how to protect your son. I'd get a good family lawyer and pay them to work things out.
I wouldn't attempt mediation with someone who treats me so badly. If you feel like you need to, maybe try it once to see if he can behave appropriately. If it all goes south, then get a lawyer and STOP communicating with him except via email. Document everything. If possible, get another trusted to handle transferring your son to and fro. You don't need to interact with him.
Depending on where you are, you can file to change the agreement and when you get to court, you meet with a mediator who helps you work it out.
we need one that states a mutual commitment to shielding our son from conflict and reduces ambiguity around resolving disagreements, holidays, schoolwork, significant others and parenting a child with ADHD/SPD.
You can hire someone to write as much of this in as they can, but you need to accept that you can't enforce any of it. Sure, you could document away and get to court and a judge will sternly speak to your ex (which I've done), but you can't really stop him from being terrible.
All you can do is try to keep your son away from him as much as possible.
posted by kinetic at 5:03 AM on November 28, 2015 [22 favorites]
You can get a mediator, you can even get a lawyer and write the perfect plan and be thoughtful and fair and kind and pay a lot of money, and
it won't make one bit of difference.
Your ex wants to be combative, obnoxious, ignore your kid's diagnosis, etc. There's nothing you can do to stop it. Not a damned thing.
I wonder if there's some way I can use the parenting plan to help manage my ex-'s irrational behavior.
No. A million times, NO. And it sucks and I'm sorry. What you need to do is forget about working with an irrational ex and figure out how to protect your son. I'd get a good family lawyer and pay them to work things out.
I wouldn't attempt mediation with someone who treats me so badly. If you feel like you need to, maybe try it once to see if he can behave appropriately. If it all goes south, then get a lawyer and STOP communicating with him except via email. Document everything. If possible, get another trusted to handle transferring your son to and fro. You don't need to interact with him.
Depending on where you are, you can file to change the agreement and when you get to court, you meet with a mediator who helps you work it out.
we need one that states a mutual commitment to shielding our son from conflict and reduces ambiguity around resolving disagreements, holidays, schoolwork, significant others and parenting a child with ADHD/SPD.
You can hire someone to write as much of this in as they can, but you need to accept that you can't enforce any of it. Sure, you could document away and get to court and a judge will sternly speak to your ex (which I've done), but you can't really stop him from being terrible.
All you can do is try to keep your son away from him as much as possible.
posted by kinetic at 5:03 AM on November 28, 2015 [22 favorites]
Wow this sounds tough. I think you should just consult a lawyer and possibly consider a PhD evaluator of the best circumstances for your child. Name calling of the other parent in front of the child is child abuse and even split coparenting for a child with significant extra needs between parent's who can't communicate isn't gunna work. You can put only speak positively of the other parent in your parenting plan and must agree to discuss medical issues. And if the time is skewed to one parent it may work better for you all.
posted by Kalmya at 5:07 AM on November 28, 2015
posted by Kalmya at 5:07 AM on November 28, 2015
Reducing transitions makes a huge difference... not only for your son, but for you, because you don't have to deal with your ex as frequently. My ex and I each have our kids for a week at a time. They are older than your son so that sort of schedule may not work for you, but it's great for us.
There isn't a lot you can do about your ex's behavior. If he agrees to specific procedures though, it may help. Some things that may or may not be helpful: decide that all changes related to,say, education be negotiated with a mediator; decide all communications take place via e-mail rather than in person; define holiday custody; etc.
Besides that I'm afraid you're best off just letting non-optimal stuff go. It sucks for you and your kid but you don't have much choice, and accepting it will make your lives easier.
When you need to discuss something, does he get less confrontational if you bring up the topic and ask for his take without laying out the entire argument for yours? You might find he is more interested in a common solution that way. (Or probably not, but if you haven't tried it already, it could be worth a shot.)
posted by metasarah at 5:13 AM on November 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
There isn't a lot you can do about your ex's behavior. If he agrees to specific procedures though, it may help. Some things that may or may not be helpful: decide that all changes related to,say, education be negotiated with a mediator; decide all communications take place via e-mail rather than in person; define holiday custody; etc.
Besides that I'm afraid you're best off just letting non-optimal stuff go. It sucks for you and your kid but you don't have much choice, and accepting it will make your lives easier.
When you need to discuss something, does he get less confrontational if you bring up the topic and ask for his take without laying out the entire argument for yours? You might find he is more interested in a common solution that way. (Or probably not, but if you haven't tried it already, it could be worth a shot.)
posted by metasarah at 5:13 AM on November 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
I came to say what metasarah did. From my own experience, it was really triggering when my ex would lay out a detailed explanation of why he wanted what he wanted and didn't even ask my opinion. To me, it felt controlling and disrespectful (also related to our history, of course). I would have felt more comfortable with a more back-and-forth discussion where I felt like my opinion actually mattered. When he laid out a big pile of facts it didn't seem like there was any room for what I thought, so why bother?
Just to give you another perspective. I'm sorry it's so hard.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 5:24 AM on November 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
Just to give you another perspective. I'm sorry it's so hard.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 5:24 AM on November 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
Remember that he is your son's parent, too. You may disagree with everything he does, but unless he physically harms the kid or starves him or neglects him, it's anything goes. Your ex exposing your son to several women with children isn't child abuse, etc. Your ex exposing your son to an erratic schedule isn't child abuse.
I suggest letting go. Here's how: Hold your breath, drop your son off, and then think about ANYTHING ELSE besides your son and how he's doing in your absence. Chances are, he's having all his needs (food, clothing, shelter, etc.) being taken care of. Are they being taken care of in the way you'd like? Heck no! But they are.
When your ex drops your son off, don't grill your son on what happened at daddy's. Doesn't matter. Is he hungry? make him a sandwich. Is he tired? Put him to bed.
They have to hammer out their own relationship. If your ex really is a terrible father, your son will never talk to him again after he's 18.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 5:46 AM on November 28, 2015 [13 favorites]
I suggest letting go. Here's how: Hold your breath, drop your son off, and then think about ANYTHING ELSE besides your son and how he's doing in your absence. Chances are, he's having all his needs (food, clothing, shelter, etc.) being taken care of. Are they being taken care of in the way you'd like? Heck no! But they are.
When your ex drops your son off, don't grill your son on what happened at daddy's. Doesn't matter. Is he hungry? make him a sandwich. Is he tired? Put him to bed.
They have to hammer out their own relationship. If your ex really is a terrible father, your son will never talk to him again after he's 18.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 5:46 AM on November 28, 2015 [13 favorites]
I went to mediation and it was actually a positive experience. It's only been a year, emotions are still raw. He isn't the devil. He's hurt and angry. So are you I imagine. Build on mutual ground and act courteous and try hard not to engage in arguments. Easier said than done I know. You got a long road ahead of you with this, it's a marathon not a sprint. Two, three, four years from now the landscape will be totally different. Don't despair thinking that what is now is forever. Try not to indulge in thoughts where you are the paragon of sanity and your ex is your eternal nemesis like Gandalf and the Balrog falling and battling forever. Have some friends that will endure you griping about your ex, and trust them enough to know when it's just getting redundant and repetitive. Keeps conversations with him focused on your child as much as possible.
posted by ian1977 at 6:21 AM on November 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by ian1977 at 6:21 AM on November 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
What worked for us in setting up a plan was not to jump right into what should the plan say. It was to first have each of us make a list of what items should be included in the plan and what the goal of the plan was. At several points, the mediator would ask if what we were talking about was furthering the goal we had agreed upon. It became harder to deviate from setting a good plan with each of our items included when we lost focus.
We did one week on and one week off with the transition being on Friday after school. We thought that Sunday night transitions were too hard as Sunday night is already stress filled once they get to school and start with homework and transitioning from play all weekend to school. It worked for us. Each parent would start off on the right foot having all weekend to have fun with the kids.
posted by AugustWest at 6:24 AM on November 28, 2015
We did one week on and one week off with the transition being on Friday after school. We thought that Sunday night transitions were too hard as Sunday night is already stress filled once they get to school and start with homework and transitioning from play all weekend to school. It worked for us. Each parent would start off on the right foot having all weekend to have fun with the kids.
posted by AugustWest at 6:24 AM on November 28, 2015
When we redid our plan we had soooo much detail in there. We currently disregard the plan frequently, but it's nice to have cuz once in a while we will get pissy with one another we can just revert to the plan and go sulk in our corners.
posted by ian1977 at 6:27 AM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by ian1977 at 6:27 AM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
reduces ambiguity around resolving disagreements, holidays, schoolwork, significant others and parenting a child
You can't contract resolving disagreements, unless you want to run to court over everything. Holidays should be easy to divide fairly. Schoolwork shouldn't be part of the contract (it is clearly just a dig at him, will increase the conflict, and can't be enforced) teachers quickly learn and adapt to which parent has custody that week; don't even touch the significant others conversation - you aren't in a relationship anymore and shouldn't be policing his romantic life; and, as for parenting - if you could have solved that while married you wouldn't have gotten divorced, right?
I guess what I am saying is, pick your battles with an eye to being realistic and less controlling (because face it, none of your suggestions were going to be to do things HIS way, right?).
One thing I have seen done successfully with high conflict parents is to divide the different aspects of parenting where each parent has full control over certain aspects. So one parent handles all decisions about school, the other handles all medical decisions etc. That limits conversations, but also means you have to bite your tongue about their choices (as they have to do as well). If you truly believe your co-parent is incapable of being the solo parent in some areas then you should go after full custody after discussing with a lawyer about collecting supporting documentation.
posted by saucysault at 6:35 AM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
You can't contract resolving disagreements, unless you want to run to court over everything. Holidays should be easy to divide fairly. Schoolwork shouldn't be part of the contract (it is clearly just a dig at him, will increase the conflict, and can't be enforced) teachers quickly learn and adapt to which parent has custody that week; don't even touch the significant others conversation - you aren't in a relationship anymore and shouldn't be policing his romantic life; and, as for parenting - if you could have solved that while married you wouldn't have gotten divorced, right?
I guess what I am saying is, pick your battles with an eye to being realistic and less controlling (because face it, none of your suggestions were going to be to do things HIS way, right?).
One thing I have seen done successfully with high conflict parents is to divide the different aspects of parenting where each parent has full control over certain aspects. So one parent handles all decisions about school, the other handles all medical decisions etc. That limits conversations, but also means you have to bite your tongue about their choices (as they have to do as well). If you truly believe your co-parent is incapable of being the solo parent in some areas then you should go after full custody after discussing with a lawyer about collecting supporting documentation.
posted by saucysault at 6:35 AM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Work with a mediator to redo your plan if certain logistics are well planned out (in my plan all holiday stuff is really laid out for example... The plan is written as if the parents cannot communicate) but as others have said there is nothing you can do to change his behavior. The only thing you can do is control how you react to his behavior and think about your choices to reduce interaction with ex unless absolutely necessary. If saying "Ex, Bobby wants to do karate" results in a big blow out, sign up Bobby for karate on your night and don't ask ex to pay for it. I know it sucks but you need to start creating new ways to work. If you think Bobby should be focusing more on math homework or eating more green vegetables, do it on your days. Beyond abuse you have no control over what happens at ex's house and you need to get okay with that.
As far as your schedule are you on a 2/2/5? That's pretty typical for elementary kids. If you make your kid a little calendar and remind him frequently of what the deal is it'll probably be okay. Maybe explain it to him as "you're always at daddy's on Monday and Tuesday. You're always at mommy's on Wednesday and Thursday and then we flip weekends."
Read the co-parenting handbook and raising the child you love with the ex you hate.
But REDUCE INTERACTION. THIS IS YOUR MANTRA.
posted by k8t at 6:40 AM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
As far as your schedule are you on a 2/2/5? That's pretty typical for elementary kids. If you make your kid a little calendar and remind him frequently of what the deal is it'll probably be okay. Maybe explain it to him as "you're always at daddy's on Monday and Tuesday. You're always at mommy's on Wednesday and Thursday and then we flip weekends."
Read the co-parenting handbook and raising the child you love with the ex you hate.
But REDUCE INTERACTION. THIS IS YOUR MANTRA.
posted by k8t at 6:40 AM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
REDUCE INTERACTION. THIS IS YOUR MANTRA.
Indeed. As my mother had to frequently remind me when I was going through similar ex-not-sticking-to-visitation-or-other-agreements, if he was capable of responsible behavior or behaving rationally and pleasantly, you'd still be married.
posted by kinetic at 6:52 AM on November 28, 2015 [10 favorites]
Indeed. As my mother had to frequently remind me when I was going through similar ex-not-sticking-to-visitation-or-other-agreements, if he was capable of responsible behavior or behaving rationally and pleasantly, you'd still be married.
posted by kinetic at 6:52 AM on November 28, 2015 [10 favorites]
You lost control of his behavior in the divorce. All you can do now is be the best mom that you can be, in your own household, and teach your son how to take care of himself for when he is with his dad. My lawyer once explained to me that you can't legally make someone stop being an asshole.
If you had the ability to change this man's behavior, you wouldn't have had to divorce him. Give it up.
As far as the plan, sign on to do all the heavy lifting. Ask to have the child for all school days even if that means losing him every weekend. Try to get in the plan that the child is allowed to go to sleepovers at friends' houses, even if it is the dad's weekend. Parental rights should not be more important than the rights of the child but, most times, they are.
You aren't going to successfully coparent with this man. You aren't going to be able to control him or manage him in anyway. Set up a schedule that works with your son's needs. Put him in control of his own medication and give him rewards for remembering to take it when he is in his father's care. Don't count on your ex-husband for things like that.
The only person's behavior that you can manage is your own. Focus on that. Work on staying as calm and in the present as possible. Focus on your son's behavior and your personal life and try to ignore your ex-husband as much as possible. It is not useful to fix something that is broken beyond repair. Put your energy where it needs to be- on you and your son.
posted by myselfasme at 7:12 AM on November 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
If you had the ability to change this man's behavior, you wouldn't have had to divorce him. Give it up.
As far as the plan, sign on to do all the heavy lifting. Ask to have the child for all school days even if that means losing him every weekend. Try to get in the plan that the child is allowed to go to sleepovers at friends' houses, even if it is the dad's weekend. Parental rights should not be more important than the rights of the child but, most times, they are.
You aren't going to successfully coparent with this man. You aren't going to be able to control him or manage him in anyway. Set up a schedule that works with your son's needs. Put him in control of his own medication and give him rewards for remembering to take it when he is in his father's care. Don't count on your ex-husband for things like that.
The only person's behavior that you can manage is your own. Focus on that. Work on staying as calm and in the present as possible. Focus on your son's behavior and your personal life and try to ignore your ex-husband as much as possible. It is not useful to fix something that is broken beyond repair. Put your energy where it needs to be- on you and your son.
posted by myselfasme at 7:12 AM on November 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Also bring your son into this. By this I mean, if son asks to do karate, probably right now you email ex and say "Bobby wants to do karate. I researched it and there is a class on Main Street Wednesdays at 4 and it is $30/week." Instead, either do it without discussing with ex or if you absolutely must coordinate with ex for logistical or financial reasons say, "That's interesting. When you're at daddy's on Thursday ask him about it." Then leave the ball in his court. If nothing happens, you email a few weeks later and casually mention Bobby's interest in karate. "I'm sure you're hearing about karate all the time too."
Take your child to all the therapists you want. Have a dozen good strategies for dealing with his issues. Inform his teachers. Give the information (when essential) plainly to his dad. But give up all hopes of his dad using the strategies and know that your son will learn to compensate.
İ remember you posted about your son touching you and your ex not approving. Just as you have no say (beyond abuse) about what happens at his house, he has no say about what happens at yours. Don't talk to him about these behaviors. I realize that you feel like it is part of the complete medical and behavioral deal but really you're just asking for drama when you get your ex involved in such matters.
Another way to think about this is that ex is just a fairly decent babysitter. You wouldn't expect a babysitter to be super concerned about your son's vegetable intake, getting homework done, doing his various behavioral strategies. If a babysitter did this stuff, that's an awesome bonus but you wouldn't expect this from a sitter. I know you have higher standards for him as a parent but the longer you hold onto those standards, the more drama you're going to have to deal with.
posted by k8t at 7:33 AM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Take your child to all the therapists you want. Have a dozen good strategies for dealing with his issues. Inform his teachers. Give the information (when essential) plainly to his dad. But give up all hopes of his dad using the strategies and know that your son will learn to compensate.
İ remember you posted about your son touching you and your ex not approving. Just as you have no say (beyond abuse) about what happens at his house, he has no say about what happens at yours. Don't talk to him about these behaviors. I realize that you feel like it is part of the complete medical and behavioral deal but really you're just asking for drama when you get your ex involved in such matters.
Another way to think about this is that ex is just a fairly decent babysitter. You wouldn't expect a babysitter to be super concerned about your son's vegetable intake, getting homework done, doing his various behavioral strategies. If a babysitter did this stuff, that's an awesome bonus but you wouldn't expect this from a sitter. I know you have higher standards for him as a parent but the longer you hold onto those standards, the more drama you're going to have to deal with.
posted by k8t at 7:33 AM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
I re-read your tummy touching question and read through the lines that you and ex may disagree about courses of action about fairly serious behavioral stuff.
Given that I'd consider having a therapist on call so that when you guys have to decide what to do you can go to a third party. In a scenario where Bobby was inappropriately touching people at school - how do we fix this? You both go to the school meeting. You both go to a meeting with Bobby's therapist. After each meeting you both take notes on what you took away from the meeting. Then you two go to a meeting to a counselor with your notes from the previous meetings in hand. You both present what the school and the child therapist said to do, according to your notes. Hopefully they're similar becuase everyone knows that theyre going to go to the counselor together. Then you, with the counselor, decide what to do. You won't be able to enforce it but it may make him feel more committed to the plan.
posted by k8t at 7:47 AM on November 28, 2015
Given that I'd consider having a therapist on call so that when you guys have to decide what to do you can go to a third party. In a scenario where Bobby was inappropriately touching people at school - how do we fix this? You both go to the school meeting. You both go to a meeting with Bobby's therapist. After each meeting you both take notes on what you took away from the meeting. Then you two go to a meeting to a counselor with your notes from the previous meetings in hand. You both present what the school and the child therapist said to do, according to your notes. Hopefully they're similar becuase everyone knows that theyre going to go to the counselor together. Then you, with the counselor, decide what to do. You won't be able to enforce it but it may make him feel more committed to the plan.
posted by k8t at 7:47 AM on November 28, 2015
So I used to work in an organization that researched mediation and conflict resolution. One interesting finding is that women often do less well (financially, custody wise) in divorces that are mediated rather than decided by a judge. If your husband is abusive, it is unethical for a mediator to take on the case; the power imbalance is too great. It sounds like he's not abusive towards you or your son; that's great. Still, mediation works best when there is a level playing field between the parties and both parties are participating in the process in good faith.
If neither of those criteria are met, mediation can become just a way for you two to mess with each other.
So if he will not participate in good faith and you want to try changing his behavior, you may need an advocate for you, not a mediator for both of you.
Personally I agree with the folks saying you should focus on your own behavior which you can control; maybe getting a therapist as a sounding board for what your kid needs. I just wanted to qualify the mediation suggestions.
posted by Hypatia at 9:36 AM on November 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
If neither of those criteria are met, mediation can become just a way for you two to mess with each other.
So if he will not participate in good faith and you want to try changing his behavior, you may need an advocate for you, not a mediator for both of you.
Personally I agree with the folks saying you should focus on your own behavior which you can control; maybe getting a therapist as a sounding board for what your kid needs. I just wanted to qualify the mediation suggestions.
posted by Hypatia at 9:36 AM on November 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have commented on many posts like this about my ex, and I wrote what many folks above did. We are ten years out, and my kids are in there mid and late teens now, and things are much better because they do most of the negotiating with their father. One piece of advice is to limit your interaction with your ex when your child is around, this will help your relationship with your child immensely. If you can arrange it so the transitions happen at school- one parent drops him off and the other picks him up, that can be a good solution to not interacting.
posted by momochan at 9:47 AM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by momochan at 9:47 AM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
They have to hammer out their own relationship. If your ex really is a terrible father, your son will never talk to him again after he's 18.
I wanted to nth this - my parents faced a similar situation, my father was a terrible father, and I figured it out myself when I was old enough. My mother dropped me off per their custody agreement, even after he made all sorts of terrible parenting decisions and decisions meant to spite her and my grandparents. You literally cannot change him. If you could, he would have changed while you were married to him. He is who he is, and mediators and lawyers are not going to change who he is and how his brain works. If he's not someone who will adhere to a parenting plan when you're not looking, he's just not. Putting it on paper will not make him do it. Threats of reduced custody will not make him do it. He's just not going to do it, because that's who he is. He's more interested in hurting you than he is in anything else right now. (And based on your description, he sounds a little ADD himself.)
Take this opportunity to hammer out a schedule and be realistic about times, places, and dates which includes holidays. Get the stuff that's unambiguous taken care of when you rewrite the parenting plan, and let the rest go. You can't get him to agree to resolving disagreements by contacting you whenever you disagree or agreeing to a phone call or meeting with you every time you disagree because you disagree too often. You can't get him to agree to help your son with his homework when it's time for that, all you can do is tell his teachers that he may need some accommodations for the times he's with his father who doesn't make him do his homework. You can't make him agree to not have his various girlfriends around your kid because he'll do it anyway and you can't police them eating at the restaurant where she's the waitress or whatever.
I was about 13 when it started dawning on me that my own father sucked at fatherhood. At 15-16, I intentionally limited my own contact with him. At 17, I decided on my own to sever contact. I'm in my mid-30's now and I have no regrets, it was the best decision I ever made and I can't believe I was mature enough to make a life-altering decision that young that turned out so well. I'm glad my mother never created any barriers to me making that decision on my own; she and I are extremely close.
posted by juniperesque at 11:20 AM on November 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wanted to nth this - my parents faced a similar situation, my father was a terrible father, and I figured it out myself when I was old enough. My mother dropped me off per their custody agreement, even after he made all sorts of terrible parenting decisions and decisions meant to spite her and my grandparents. You literally cannot change him. If you could, he would have changed while you were married to him. He is who he is, and mediators and lawyers are not going to change who he is and how his brain works. If he's not someone who will adhere to a parenting plan when you're not looking, he's just not. Putting it on paper will not make him do it. Threats of reduced custody will not make him do it. He's just not going to do it, because that's who he is. He's more interested in hurting you than he is in anything else right now. (And based on your description, he sounds a little ADD himself.)
Take this opportunity to hammer out a schedule and be realistic about times, places, and dates which includes holidays. Get the stuff that's unambiguous taken care of when you rewrite the parenting plan, and let the rest go. You can't get him to agree to resolving disagreements by contacting you whenever you disagree or agreeing to a phone call or meeting with you every time you disagree because you disagree too often. You can't get him to agree to help your son with his homework when it's time for that, all you can do is tell his teachers that he may need some accommodations for the times he's with his father who doesn't make him do his homework. You can't make him agree to not have his various girlfriends around your kid because he'll do it anyway and you can't police them eating at the restaurant where she's the waitress or whatever.
I was about 13 when it started dawning on me that my own father sucked at fatherhood. At 15-16, I intentionally limited my own contact with him. At 17, I decided on my own to sever contact. I'm in my mid-30's now and I have no regrets, it was the best decision I ever made and I can't believe I was mature enough to make a life-altering decision that young that turned out so well. I'm glad my mother never created any barriers to me making that decision on my own; she and I are extremely close.
posted by juniperesque at 11:20 AM on November 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, I just wanted to mention something regarding the ADD-angle. While I was still living with my husband, he refused to entertain the idea that our kid might have ADD like me. Many years later, she got a different diagnosis. In any case, I decided his opinion didn't matter. What mattered was my experience with being neural atypical, our kid's behavior and, most importantly, her distress. And then I went and talked to various people at her school and stayed on the case until she got some support. I was never, ever able to get my husband on board when it came to some of the struggles our daughter had. So I just took it on by myself and ignored his opinion. I strongly encourage you to do that, if you possibly can.
posted by Bella Donna at 4:08 PM on November 28, 2015
posted by Bella Donna at 4:08 PM on November 28, 2015
Hey you who also chose a partner badly, I've been through this. What you should not miss in the plan is a therapist for your son. Have one in mind before you ask. Talk to your lawyer about who performs well in court. If your ex is a sucky father, the therapist will figure it out.
Do not negotiate any of this with him. Let the lawyers do it. He is going to look like he has something to hide if he does not agree to a therapist. His lawyer is going to tell him to agree and then you've got him. Give therapy six months, you take boy to therapist on alternate weeks, therapist gets to see how boy is with each of you and then you pounce back into court and get the schedule that works for you.
My son's therapist fried my ex in court. It was hard to watch. Ex has actually told me that she does not want to ever go back to court again and has become much more reasonable.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:25 PM on November 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Do not negotiate any of this with him. Let the lawyers do it. He is going to look like he has something to hide if he does not agree to a therapist. His lawyer is going to tell him to agree and then you've got him. Give therapy six months, you take boy to therapist on alternate weeks, therapist gets to see how boy is with each of you and then you pounce back into court and get the schedule that works for you.
My son's therapist fried my ex in court. It was hard to watch. Ex has actually told me that she does not want to ever go back to court again and has become much more reasonable.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:25 PM on November 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Have you tried using https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/?
It's a co-parenting tool that you can use to create schedules, create an archive of conversations/issues, and you can use it to plot out your family calendar. I have not used it myself, but it's a tool I've seen recommended by others.
posted by spunweb at 6:35 PM on November 28, 2015
It's a co-parenting tool that you can use to create schedules, create an archive of conversations/issues, and you can use it to plot out your family calendar. I have not used it myself, but it's a tool I've seen recommended by others.
posted by spunweb at 6:35 PM on November 28, 2015
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posted by DarlingBri at 4:07 AM on November 28, 2015 [10 favorites]