My partner has ED. How do I make him feel better?

November 26, 2015 5:46 AM

My boyfriend has had problems maintaining an erection and reaching orgasm for the 7 months we've been together. I love him a lot and know that this hurts him, probably far more than he is letting on. This isn't about me - I would just love some advice from people that have either been in my or his situation about things that have helped them to feel like they aren't a failure or less masculine because of it.

My partner is 28 and I'm 27. We got together about 7 months ago after years of "circling" each other socially - I won't go into it because it's not particularly important, suffice to say there was a fair amount of build up to us finally going out on an actual date which, might be part of the reason there was initial anxiety on his part.

The first time we ended up in bed, we had been together for a few weeks and everything was going really well - we were really open with each other and it didn't feel awkward at all when we were finally intimate. He hadn't had any long term relationships but I had a pretty lengthy history of long term boyfriends over the years we had known each other. Everything seemed fine when we started having sex... then his erection just went and it was nigh on impossible to get started again. I tried just about everything on the (admittedly vanilla) spectrum foreplay wise but every time he would get hard again it'd go down in a couple of minutes. He gave a lot of excuses, first he was cold, then tired, then had a cramp, but he kept trying, I guess because he wanted it to work for my sake even though he was clearly getting frustrated and anxious. I felt bad calling it, but it'd been hours and I knew it wasn't happening. I tried to be as gentle about it as I could, just said it was late and we should try and get some sleep but he looked crestfallen.

The next few times the same thing happened, me trying different methods of foreplay and positions, and him wanting to just keep going in the face of inevitable disappointment. We do actually manage to have sex sometimes, but I've started to almost dread it when we get to that point because he is so desperate to finish that he has to go really hard and fast to stay hard, and for so long, that I just get tired out and I'm just not really into that kind of sex... maybe for a bit, but not for hours at a time!

It doesn't hurt, it just becomes a sort of sexual white noise where I don't feel anything at all, and more importantly, I don't feel like there's much about it that is intimate or like we are connecting... as cheesy as that sounds. I can't orgasm from penetrative sex anyway, so it's not like I need my partner to have amazing skills, I just love the feeling of being that close and knowing we are both enjoying it. As it is it just feels like desperation on his part to prove that he can do it, with me trying way too hard to try and get him there to help boost his ego. He does very occasionally manage to come when I'm on top, but I don't love that position and when it finally happens after over an hour of crazy hard banging I am so tired, my back is sore, and while I'm happy that he is happy I feel pretty empty and plain exhausted. He also can't really come unless I have first, I guess that's a psychological thing, so it definitely kills any buzz I had after hours of physical labour.

We have discussed it a few times. The first time was shortly after we first had sex and he put it down to the pressure of wanting to impress me and being worried that I wouldn't be satisfied with his performance because I had lots of exes to compare him with. He also said he wasn't feeling that confident about his body (which was crazy to me - he's easily the most attractive guy I've been with). I tried to convince him that I loved him way more, and found him much better looking than any other guy I'd been with. After a while though it became pretty obvious that this wasn't just an issue he'd had with me and we had been together long enough that I'd have thought the first time jitters would have started to ease off.

Finally, last week after another unsuccessful go at it, he admitted that he thinks he has ED. We discussed it, I said that in no way is that a dealbreaker, that I love him and even if we could never get it together I wasn't leaving over the workings of his dick, and it's true - he is the best person I know. Honestly, this could not have happened to a nicer person. He is the kindest, most generous person I've ever met and I feel so lucky to have him. I can't fault him for what his junk decides to do or not do. However, he feels legitimately awful about it, and I can't deal with that look on his face when he loses his boner or the self deprecating jokes he makes about what a failure he is at his own expense. He says he feels like he can't satisfy me and that I must be wishing he was more like my exes, which couldn't be further from the truth. He doesn't believe me when I challenge these things, and I hate how insecure and sad it makes him every time this happens.

So after this diatribe, I guess my question is really - what can I do to make this better? I don't mean the actual ED, mainly, though suggestions are welcome (we've tried cock rings and viagra etc is an option he's open to but I feel like he will see it as a crutch and still feel bad). I guess on the selfish side of things I'd really like the sex to be a little less frenzied and a bit more relaxed and gentle. But most importantly, as this seems to be at least partly psychological and possibly a long term issue, how do I convince him that he's not a failure, and that I do find him really attractive and love spending time with him in bed regardless of whether he stays hard or comes or not?

I should probably make it clear here that this doesn't make me feel like he isn't turned on by me and it doesn't make me feel like I'm doing something gross or horrible that's turning him off. It does occasionally cross my mind, but it's a fleeting thing and I don't really believe it. He seems really into it except for the fact that he doesn't stay hard, and worries that I might feel that way so is very attentive to my needs in bed and vocal about how he feels about me and my body. I just wish I could make him feel that secure and wanted all the time too.

posted by kyetak to Human Relations (16 answers total)

If he has ED he needs to see a doctor. Otherwise, you're partly asking "how can I treat my boyfriend's medical condition?" Otherwise, there's not much you are not already doing to help with the emotional support. He is either going to believe you or not believe you that your sexual world does not revolve around his dick.

Anyway, is he able to get himself off? Mutual masturbation is a nice way to share intimacy with less stress.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:54 AM on November 26, 2015 [13 favorites]

You could take PIV sex off the table for a while, and yes, he should talk to a doctor.
posted by bunderful at 5:56 AM on November 26, 2015 [2 favorites]

Yup, doctor. Medical first, then shrink.

If he just doesn't like sex, or isn't interested for whatever reason, then you can decide how to move forward with that information, but start with medical and move on from there.

For now, take sex off the table, let him relax.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:03 AM on November 26, 2015 [1 favorite]

(we've tried cock rings and viagra etc is an option he's open to but I feel like he will see it as a crutch and still feel bad).

For goodness sake, so many people take Viagra/Cialis/ED medications for so many reasons, just have him take it! (You can't convince him of this, of course, but it's a totally normal thing, and there are people who use it to maintain erections for longer sessions, or because they're older, or because of SO MANY THINGS, and this could be a non-issue if he'd just pop the pill.)
posted by xingcat at 6:15 AM on November 26, 2015 [5 favorites]

Also, how do you come? Do you need (or enjoy) a vibrator, a plug or any other kind of toy? Not only could using those a bit more help him focus on non-PIV stuff, maybe using toys for you could help him see that using "assistance" can and should be fun. If he's helping you feel good and get off, he's doing what a partner is supposed to do, period :)
posted by St. Hubbins at 6:27 AM on November 26, 2015

I'd definitely not take sex off the table. I'd just want to reframe it and define it much wider: sex is great and there are so many kinds. Penis-in-vagina sex is just one part of it. So focus on the other parts more, and less on that part. After all, most kinds of sex do not require a hard erection or even any erection at all.
I'd also stop calling non-PIV sex 'foreplay'. All play is play and there is no set order; there is also no rule that every sex session must include PIV. Using the word 'foreplay' defines a lot of sexual stuff as not-quite-actual sex and as what you do in order to be able to have intercourse. That's a very limiting framing.

You two may need to have some good talks about this. Have them outside the bedroom. Don't talk about sex during sex (unless it's feedback or fantasies or what have you). And ask him to do you the honour of believing you when you say that you are not wishing he was more like your exes. Since he respects you, that should be possible.

Yes, it's a good idea if he sees a doctor and/or a therapist. He should not feel like his penis is what defines his worth or masculinity. It's not your job to convince him of that.
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:40 AM on November 26, 2015 [7 favorites]

You actually have two separate problems here. The obvious is the ED, and he needs to get his ass to the doctor as a first step and work from there. You are already being amazingly supportive, so it is back on him to take it seriously and address it medically, through therapy, or in other ways.

But the bigger issue is that your sex life doesn't sound very good and wouldn't become good if his boner was working. Either you aren't communicating your needs clearly, or he isn't listening. Your question is full of details about how sex overall (not just the penetrative part) not just isn't great for you, but it isn't improving, either. That's a communication and practice issue, not a boner issue. You might need to just talk about it and experiment, or maybe you guys would do better to do some couples' therapy to facilitate that communication.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:53 AM on November 26, 2015 [4 favorites]

I'll also mention the other possible piece of the puzzle.
Prior to your relationship, did he watch a lot of porn and was his primary mode of orgasm masturbating?
If not, then keep on rocking.
If yes, then there may be something else to discuss.
PIV can be very different than your hand, and the transition can be difficult at best sometimes.
I'd ask him to abstain from both porn and masturbation and see what happens.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 7:27 AM on November 26, 2015 [5 favorites]

There's a number of potential things going on here, but first -- you're doing great! You're being a supportive partner, so if he is struggling with ED, then you're already doing what you should be doing, supporting your partner. It's natural to want to be able to do more.

But, there's a few things to think about.

1) There's a lot of shame around masculinity when it comes to ED. This is something that he's simply going to have to get through, but it will likely take some time. When you say, "he admitted that he thinks he has ED", that was likely a HUGE step for him. So, continue to be supportive, but also in the moment try to treat it as not a big deal -- he has his own monologue going on in his head and he'll likely internalize what he believes you're thinking too.

2) It may take him awhile before he is willing to get help. Either medical assistance or talk therapy. See #1.

3) Medical assistance is pretty easy nowadays, most primary care physicians (in US) will simply write-out a prescription for viagra/sildenafil or other ED medications given the conditions he's experiencing. It's not like he'll be going through a barrage of tests. Also, he should know that viagra is not a wonderdrug. It's not insta-erection and it doesn't work for everyone. It requires sexual stimulus and his erection will feel like a normal erection (but he may experience side-effects, like a racing-heart, lightheadedness, or some blurry vision).

and now for the surprising advice.

4) It's okay to want the sex you want. You may feel like you need to "give up" your desires, but you don't. You don't want to resent him and he certainly doesn't want you to resent him -- he already feels shame about his situation. So, be supportive, but also realize to stand up for yourself. Perhaps take turns about sex -- the sex he wants, the sex you want. Find out if there are other ways you can get the feeling you want if his penis isn't cooperating. Do you use a vibrator? Can he use it on you? Can you be close in that way? Perhaps the viagra is a way for you to have the sex you want if not him. It's delicate, but you can state your desires and he can take on the responsibility to meet them the best way he can, whether that's through getting help or by meeting your needs in other ways.
posted by miasma at 7:56 AM on November 26, 2015 [3 favorites]

He really needs to see a doctor. If he has physical ED then meds can help. It's not a crutch to need meds. Is it a crutch for a person with anxiety to take meds? Or with a headache? Or with a broken leg? Nope. It's not a crutch to take meds when you medically need them. It's no more than that. He should consult with a doctor. I agree you should also see if there are other reasons behind this (his sexual habits, meds he may be on, emotional stress, etc.)

You can't consign yourself to being someone who isn't even considering treating a medical condition only 7 months in that's causing issues in your relationship and sex life.

In the meantime, use other sexual methods: oral, toys, hands, hell even a strap on if he's up for it. But this is NOT a long-term solution if he doesn't seek some sort of treatment or answers. (Now, if he had ED and couldn't take meds for a medical reason, that would be another situation entirely. This is not that situation.) Getting dudes to the doctor is super difficult sometimes, but you need to make it clear that this is something that MUST happen. Also, you can't make him do anything, but a guy not seeing a doctor after over half a year into a relationship with erectile issues would be a total dealbreaker for me.
posted by Crystalinne at 9:22 AM on November 26, 2015 [2 favorites]

Mod note: This is an answer from an anonymous commenter.

I had an ex who had issues with getting/staying hard. We were both around thirty. He used viagra. Not every time, I think more early on and less as he got more comfortable, but it was always an option and never a turn off for either of us. Sometimes I would know he'd taken it, sometimes not.

The thing is, whether or not he was having issues, whether we had penetrative sex for a long time, for a minute or two, or not at all, our sex life was really great.

Your boyfriend has consistently been unhappy with his erections and not even tried viagra - or seeing a doctor at all. He HAS tried (and tried and tried and tries) sex that leaves you cold. That does not speak well of him as an adult, partner, or lover.

It sounds like you've been doing and saying all the supportive things. He either has it in him or doesn't to take your pleasure seriously be an adult about this. If he has as much going for him otherwise as your question implies, he should be able to understand and handle it maturely if you let him know that those two things are basic requirements for being in a relationship with you.

(If they are. If all else fails, then you either have it in you or not to accept lousy uncaring sex and ego-coddling your adult partner).

posted by cortex (staff) at 11:36 AM on November 26, 2015 [6 favorites]

Yeah. I also don't think this guy sounds as good as you are trying to see him. In a roundabout way, he's hugely selfish.

I'm going to offer up that he's actually not very mature in the kind of visceral way one needs to be in an adult relationship. The "good guy" routine is an act of sorts. I can think of a million things he could be doing to be caring and intimate with you, and he doesn't do any of them. You've described nothing respectful or caring that you experience sexually from this person. What you have described is someone emotionally immature who does not connect with you in bed on an adult level.

I know you love him. Do you feel like on top of all the work you already do for him in this area, that you can act as a sort of therapist for him, too? He has a lot of issues he does not seem inclined to handle on his own. I posit that you can lead him to conversations about these issues and some things will get worked out.

The trouble is he is not asking these questions or seeking solutions on his own. I can't see how this works long term when you are doing his work for him.

Whenever you feel "empty" during sex - stop having sex! This is not charity, it's supposed to be loving and mutual. It's supposed to be loving. I don't see how he is being loving towards you, do you?

It's OK to tell him honestly how sex with him makes you feel. Don't date someone you can't talk to about sex. It's not great if someone is willing to get naked and perform intercourse, but then they won't talk about it with you. That's grossly unequal, you know?

And if I've misunderstood and you've simply never tried to talk to him honestly about all of this, show him respect by opening the dialogue. However it resolves, you'll be doing right by both of you. These are difficult conversations, but they are important for a strong partnership.
posted by jbenben at 2:10 PM on November 26, 2015 [5 favorites]

A couple of lines in your post really stood out to me, where you've sounded self-deprecating about your needs - vanilla foreplay methods, cheesy to want to feel connected during sex.

I just wanted to say, there's nothing cheesy about desiring this, this, surely, is what sex in a loving relationship is ALL about.
posted by NatalieWood at 4:02 PM on November 26, 2015 [4 favorites]

Yeah, too much pornography and masturbation is probably the elephant in the room here, assuming that he is an otherwise healthy 27-year-old man. He needs to lay off the porn and see a doctor. And it's his responsibility, not yours. Agree with other posters that you are being overly accommodating. As we women are socialized to do. I hope it works out for the best in the end. Protect your heart!
posted by gentian at 4:10 PM on November 26, 2015 [1 favorite]

You don't sound like you're in a space to hear this, but from your description he really doesn't sound all that amazing. It sounds like he thinks the world revolves around his dick, and if his dick isn't cooperating, then sex is over. A truly caring and generous guy would NOT let sex be over just because his dick didn't work. And he wouldn't hammer away at you, not seemingly caring that it's doing nothing for you, just to prove something. At best, this guy is not emotionally mature. And he's quite selfish. On the surface he voices concern about you, but really it's just concern over what you'll *think* of him, not about how you actually feel or your sexual satisfaction. He is self-obsessed and that doesn't make for a good sexual partner.

I'm sorry, I know my take doesn't sound charitable, but that's because I've experienced this scenario before a couple of times, I've played the selfless girlfriend, and that didn't get me anywhere except increasingly frustrated.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 4:37 PM on November 26, 2015 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Hi everyone, thanks so much for the thoughtful answers. There's lots to think about here.

In my huge rant I didn't realise that there were a few things I omitted. He's in tip top shape and sees the doctor regularly (I'm also in the sort of medical field that would be more than happy to just hit him up with some drugs!) I know that a medical problem is a possibility, but as his age it's statistically unlikely - he isn't diabetic, doesn't smoke, and knowing his personality I think it's more down to two things: He masturbates pretty hard and sex isn't stimulating enough, and/or insecurity.

We have talked about the masturbation issue. He read a few sites when I brought it up as a possibility. I'm not actually convinced he has done anything about it in terms of changing his methods or masturbating less, which yeah, is kind of annoying in hindsight. And you are all right when you say I'm probably being overly accommodating regarding this, but hopefully admitting now that it's actually a problem will change that. I'll try and stand up for myself a bit more, I just don't want to hurt his feelings more than they already are. But it has to happen. We have talked about all of this a heap but I've never flat out said that while I enjoy us being sexually intimate, having sex isn't making me feel great and it has to change.

To his credit, we don't have it often, but he does make it a priority that I come through other means and he's really good at it. He's bought sex toys that he knows I like and goes to town. The thing is, when I get off that's really the only time he gets hard enough to have sex and then I know what's going to happen (and kinda wish it wouldn't). I know PIV sex isn't the be all and end all - but it's important to me, and the lack of it gets him down too.

He has the kind of personality that is so eager to please and is really hard on himself when that doesn't work out, so I guess I thought if I could just buck him up a little maybe things would improve. I don't think him feeling terrible all the time is helping the situation. I think he would be more assertively pursuing help if he felt less shame, and might be able to relax enough to actually stop when it's not going anywhere rather than keep going to prove to me, and himself, that he can do it.

So yes, I'm going to have a chat to him tomorrow and let him know how the sex makes me feel and ask if he's trying anything at the moment to overcome the masturbation thing, reiterate that I don't consider him any less if it takes some time, and gently prod him into seeing a doctor for a script and a checkup.

Thanks again all, some crazy good insight and scarily perceptive.
posted by kyetak at 4:40 PM on November 26, 2015 [1 favorite]