Can you have a feminist hen/batchelorette party?

November 24, 2015 12:29 AM

I'm getting married next year, and my friends have started asking me what I'd like to do as a batchelorette party. I'm really conflicted about who to invite because a) I'm a staunch feminist and want the least sexist wedding ever BUT b) I've enjoyed the "female space" at other people's parties AND ALSO c) my brother is in my bridal party, where does he fit in?

I can't seem to find a solution that Fits All The Things. There are things I want, but I don't want the wedding (and stuff that goes with it) to be all about what I want, and I'm finding it really hard to prioritise.

Also, I don't know how to unpack why I feel drawn to the idea of a "female space" - is that an empowered choice to be surrounded by my strong women, or is it just something I've been programmed to want, but haven't been able to see past like other gendered "traditions" that I've ruled out?

Anyway... the way I see it, there are three options which are the most obvious to me:

1. Have an all-gender party, invite all close friends and siblings regardless of gender - PRO: this feels like a strong fit with my feminist principles, and would include everyone close to me CON: I'd miss out on that "female space" vibe that I've enjoyed at other people's parties.

2. Have an all-female party but invite my brother - PRO: this would still feel partly equal due to not being exclusively female and my bro would feel included CON: it might be a bit awkward for him and everyone else

3. Have a women-only party, man-friends go party with fiancé - PRO: might be a nice bonding moment for my male friends and bro and fiancé who get along ok but don't know each other super well, would get "woman zone" with my lady friends CON: might feel like I'd sold out on one of the big ones in my so-called non-sexist-wedding

Joint party - I don't think I want this at all, I want the intimate feel of my dear people getting to know each other before the wedding so that they aren't meeting for the first time that day, and I don't think that will work in a big joint party. I've hosted them at other times, and friend groups tend to stick together.

Are there other options I'm missing?

Feminists of metafilter, help me get to the bottom of what is the real stuff here, and advise me your best advice. I'm stalling talking to my bridesmaids about it (who are desperate to start arranging it) because it makes me feel so confused and conflicted to think about it.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total)

You're a woman getting married to a man, right? You're participating in a deeply sexist system just by dint of that fact, and the particulars of your wedding ritual won't make any dent in the patriarchy of the institution. But that's okay, because there are compelling reasons that make marriage right for you, even though you personally can't erase the intricately intwined oppression that defines it. Really! Have the party you clearly want, and enjoy it.
posted by kelseyq at 12:39 AM on November 24, 2015 [5 favorites]

I am a feminist (who is critical of but in no way opposed to marriage as a construct). I am giving you permission to do any of these things, and encourage you not to think of who you invite to the party as a feminist issue.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 12:46 AM on November 24, 2015 [18 favorites]

What kind of party do you actually want? What kind of party does your SO want? Have two different sorts of parties and invite people by what sort of party you think they would enjoy.

I once went to a fabulous bachelorette party that was actually a big sleepover in a cabin the maid of honor rented in pretty woods. We made fun flavored popcorn and boozy hot chocolate and watched dumb movies and did each others' hair. It was all women, but two of them were an established couple, and some guys were invited but declined the invitation for unrelated reasons. Why were they invited? Because they were exactly the kind of people who would have loved a sleepover with boozy hot chocolate and an exclusive viewing of High School Musical 3.

So have a party that appeals to the people you want around you for this, and invite them. If that is a feminine-coded party, no problem. I mean, you're a staunch feminist so I doubt anyone in your bridal party is going to be expecting male strippers and a bar hopping hen night. Men are totally capable of being in feminine spaces and not ruining the atmosphere, as long as they've been given a little guidance and have a good track record in these things. It's not like you intend to make it a safe sharing space for women to work out hard topics and confront issues. It's a party. You can invite whoever you want and make whatever rules you want.

Another thing I have attended a few times was a pre-bachelorette/bachelor party dinner, where it's local singles and couples close to the people getting married, before long distance relatives start showing up. Like a rehearsal dinner but fun and not awful, and normally just a reservation for a large group at a restaurant. That way people who aren't officially in the wedding party but you still want to include get to celebrate with you a little but it's more casual, and introverts who really don't want to do the whole awful traditional bachelorette/bachelor thing can have gone to that dinner and feel like they did their social duty without suffering.

Instead of trying to figure out why thinking about this stuff makes you confused and conflicted, find the thing that DOESN'T make you feel confused or conflicted. Do that. If you don't want a bachelorette party at all, there is no rule anywhere that says you have to. Once you pinpoint the thing that doesn't stress you out, compare it to your other options and see what the difference is. That will lead you to a better understanding of your issues and some avenues for compromise if you really want to.
posted by Mizu at 1:12 AM on November 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

I think it's awesome you are thinking about this but I also think you're a little bit overthinking it. You can totally be a feminist and want a girls-only party! I agree with Mizu, it's more about what you do during your party, not who's invited.

It sounds like one major factor for you is your brother, aside from the feminist issue? You want him to have a good time! Assuming you are close to him (why else would you invite him to be part of your bridal party) how about have a chat with him about option 2 and 3 and ask him what he would prefer? If he goes for option 1, let him know that he's free to bail whenever he wants, no hard feelings. Ask your Maid of Honor to try and include him in the planning and some of the activities - he'd could be great for pulling together a bridal quiz ("Who knows you better, your brother or your groom!?" LOLs ensue) and it will be a chance for him to get to know your groom.

You also totally have my permission to just straight up go with 3 and I promise no one will take away your feminist card and I totally agree it would be a nice way for your male friends to co-mingle with your groom and his friends. At the risk of my own feminist card being taken away, I think guys generally get on all right for a day as long as there's drinks and some fun activities planned.
posted by like_neon at 1:26 AM on November 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

I agree that the best way to have a feminist bachelorette party is to a) be a feminist and b) have a bachelorette party, and you have my internet stranger feminist permission to invite whoever you want.

When I got married I did think about whether to do a female-only party or not and what made the decision for me was the fact that 90% of my guests were traveling in for the wedding, and I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. Since my husband and I both have mixed-gender groups of friends, what made the most sense to us was to have our parties on the same night, invite my friends to mine and his to his regardless of gender (there were a few edge cases- people who are equally close to us both- where we actually just gave them the choice of which party they'd prefer), and have our parties meet up at the end of the night. But that decision wasn't dictated by my feminism - it was totally about the circumstances and what we felt like doing. If I was geographically close to all my friends I might have done a female-only party or if we were more introverted types I might have just had a day out with 1-2 other people.

I really think that both mixed-gender and gendered parties can be feminist, so I would try laying aside your conflicted "am I selling out" thoughts to one side and have a think about the type of party that would make you happiest and go from there.
posted by cpatterson at 1:49 AM on November 24, 2015 [11 favorites]

Could you ask your female friends to organise a women-only afternoon event, and an open invite evening event? All your wonderful women could meet up for brunch and play croquet/do each others hair/drives sports cars - whatever event, as traditional or untraditional as you feel like - and then, mid-afternoon, after champagne and food and activities in the female-space, all of the other friends arrive for frisbee golf/rock climbing/bike polo whatever, and have fun all night long?
posted by twirlypen at 2:14 AM on November 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

Look, my bachelorette party ended up involving a lot of drinking and watching (and yelling at) House Hunters International on the hotel TV with several friends and a lot of baked goods. Oh, and also we did it after we eloped, for fun. Parties are for FUN. I have several close male friends but they would have hated this party, so...nope. Do what is fun for you and let the rest fall in place.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 2:37 AM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

It sounds to me like what you really want is to have an all-women bachelorette party and to send your brother and your male friends off with your groom and his male friends, so I think that's what you should do. I also don't think it's un-feminist to enjoy all-female spaces.

I think it also might be helpful to stop thinking about your wedding in absolutes (i.e. "the least sexist wedding ever"), because that means you're setting an impossible bar for yourself, which means you're pretty likely to fail at reaching that goal somehow, just because a wedding isn't exactly the least sexist institution ever, you know? I think it might help more to focus on listening to your heart and figuring out what will really make you and your fiancé happy, rather than focusing on what you're supposed to want (or not want).
posted by colfax at 2:47 AM on November 24, 2015 [7 favorites]

There are things I want, but I don't want the wedding (and stuff that goes with it) to be all about what I want

I give you permission to be slightly more of a Bridezilla than you are (not) being right now. :-) Have the party you want!
posted by chainsofreedom at 3:24 AM on November 24, 2015

The weeks before the wedding are really stressful. Plan an event that will be the least stressful for you. Invite your favorite people to hang out with regardless of their gender and do something you find fun, regardless of whether it's traditional Bachelorette party activities.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 4:04 AM on November 24, 2015

maybe ask your brother what he thinks?
posted by andrewcooke at 4:19 AM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

I'm a hard and fast feminist with pretty tough ideals to meet, but I did the bachelorette thing. My brother was my Dude of Honor, though he couldn't make it to the part because of distance. He could have come if he wanted.

These parties are sort of rediculous and as far as I can see, the purpose seems to be some last minute bonding with your personal friends without your future husband. Making it sexualized or whatever is just an optional theme to toss on there because we need a name for "emotionally reaffirming relationships with close friends during times of great change."

I think it's good for relationships, but other than that- it's just no big. "Getting married" is the biggest most obnoxious time suck that I've ever experienced and your weeks leading up to the wedding are so full- you probably won't notice if one "tradition" is left out.
posted by Blisterlips at 4:25 AM on November 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

I had more men in my bridal party than women. We did a mixed bachelorette party (hiking, nice dinner out, board games + drinking). I got my women-only time on the day of because all the women got dressed together/did hair and make up together while the men in my party joined the groomsmen. You might be able to have a mixed gender party and use other events (getting ready for rehearsal dinner/wedding day) as the women-only time.
posted by CMcG at 6:23 AM on November 24, 2015

Ask your brother. I may be wrong, but it sounds like you want the all female space (and that's ok, as others have said), but you would like to include, or maybe just not exclude your brother. He may be interested in joining the group (and it would change the dynamic, but not too badly as the night goes on, I think)... but maybe he'd rather the two of you plan a special lunch/ dinner/ night-out instead.

See what he wants... then do what you want.
posted by Laura in Canada at 6:30 AM on November 24, 2015

Missing option: Don't have the party.

This whole event to celebrate a last day of "freedom" is well... problematic. We just didn't do it. We had other low key get-togethers and celebrations later when the stink of weird expectations was gone.
posted by French Fry at 8:06 AM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

Not everyone's pre-wedding party is celebrating "a last day of freedom". For a lot of the (particularly slightly older) brides I've known, it was actually about rallying one's support system around them for a little nurturing, and turning off the Planning Machine for a night or weekend just before the final grind of last-minute vendor wrangling, dealing with family, etc. Those events tended to take more of a "sleepover" or hangout format - get a hotel suite or rent a nice house for the weekend, spa day, wine tour, something a little more on the "treat yo self" side of the spectrum than "wild partying" side. It's about making time for a friendship break before falling down the newlywed hole for a while.

If that's the sort of direction you're leaning, just ask your brother what he thinks. "I'm leaning towards doing some serious ladybonding, would you feel excluded if I did that, or would you want to participate, or would you like to do something with just the two of us instead?" You're the one getting married, and it's okay for everyone to take that into consideration. It is probably likely that you will have plenty of future opportunities to hang out with your brother, but your closest girlfriends group is going to change and reconfigure all the time.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:37 AM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

Very opinionated feminist here, and: the least sexist wedding ever is the wedding you want to have. What I mean by that is: yep, wedding traditions are largely sexist as hell, including a lot of what surrounds bachelorette parties, but at the same time, if you decide "I'm not going to have the bachelorette party I want because it's sexist", then the result of that decision is that our patriarchal society made you feel less like an independent person. I don't think that's any better.

Also, I don't know how to unpack why I feel drawn to the idea of a "female space" - is that an empowered choice to be surrounded by my strong women, or is it just something I've been programmed to want, but haven't been able to see past like other gendered "traditions" that I've ruled out?

I think this 'unpacking' is a really valuable thing to do in terms of better understanding yourself and the world around you, but the decision to 'unpack' something should be separate from the decision to do it or not do it. It's good to understand why you want the things you want, and why others might make different choices, but it doesn't mean you have to change your personal desires to fit a paradigm of what an enlightened person should be like. What it does ideally is it lets you control the narrative, so at the end of the day, you can say to yourself, "yes, it's true! I'm having this traditional bachelorette party. But I'm doing it because it is something I want as an independent person, and because I like [specific aspects of it that you like], not just because I think this is What A Bachelorette Party Is Like."

Also, just because the baggage around 'a female space' is a sexist social construct doesn't mean it doesn't exist. In fact, it can be both something you're programmed to want and an empowering experience. Even though I love this comic, this is not really the Matrix and understanding sexism does not always make it possible to (figuratively) stop bullets and walk through walls. Gender roles still exist in society and impact us every day even once you realize they are not biologically ingrained, and that means that for a huge swath of people there is still going to be a lot of safety and comfort brought on by being in an all-female space.

I'm sure your brother will be 100% fine with not being included in a bachelorette party. Maybe if you want him to feel included, the two of you could do a special sibling activity leading up to the wedding as well.
posted by capricorn at 9:51 AM on November 24, 2015

Well but I mean there are some really really deeply feminist "female spaces." I think holding an all-woman bachelorette party could be quite the opposite of sexist. (Have your party on Crone Island?)
posted by the_blizz at 11:09 AM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

A good female friend of mine (who identifies strongly as a feminist) had a day of women-only hen fun while her partner spent the day with his male friends, and then they all met up in the evening to go out dancing together. It worked really well and meant that she still got to hang out with her male friends in the evening (they also knew her partner and so were invited to his part, although I guess they could have just come along in the evening otherwise). That might be a good compromise?
posted by amerrydance at 11:26 AM on November 24, 2015

I nth asking your brother, because I suspect most dudes wouldn't want to be the only rooster at a hen party. If he wants to be included, then plan accordingly/have a ladies night in some other situation, but right now I think you need to figure whether or not he'd even want to first.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:00 PM on November 24, 2015

There are things I want, but I don't want the wedding (and stuff that goes with it) to be all about what I want

It's your wedding. You can be a little selfish. Obviously you want to consider others here (as in, holding a super expensive bachelorette party that requires everyone to chip in $500 when your friends don't have a lot of spare cash is inconsiderate), but among multiple totally standard and inoffensive options (mixed gender or single gender parties), just go with what feels good for you!
posted by rainbowbrite at 9:03 AM on November 28, 2015

A female colleague of mine had both a hen party and a stag do - I think the latter involved a strip club. And why not? It's 2015 and most people have friends of both or all genders.
posted by mippy at 9:49 AM on December 10, 2015