Muddling through my insecurities, hers, and our fear of getting hurt
November 23, 2015 7:55 AM Subscribe
She says she got badly hurt after a former partner "betrayed" her. According to her, that is why she has tended to be cold, rather cynical, and distant in our-till now- no-strings-attached, f*ck buddies relationship. She has recently expressed, to my surprise, that she would be open to a more serious relationship with me if I prove to be trustworthy. I would like to upgrade our relationship, but have my own doubts and fears of getting hurt. Any ideas on how to promote more intimacy without risking too much?
In our first few dates, there seemed to be good chemistry, stimulating conversation and a lot of shared interests and values. However, after we had sex for the first time, she seemed to have erected an emotional barrier and limited interactions to hook-up arrangements. She recently told me that she thought I was only interested in using her for casual sex and that I was a player (totally false). Based on her aloofness and lacking any signs of interest on her part, I assumed she was only looking for a fling. In addition, she has been flakey at times (e.g.: proposing getting together and later postponing/cancelling) and said she was not that into me, but just found me "intriguing".
Now that she suggested changing the nature of our relationship to something involving more affection and openness, instead of only casual sex, some doubts have appeared. For instance, she is taking her final college exams soon, and she asked whether I could help her go over a few study questions (I work in her field of study). At some level, I fear she may just be expressing interest in me to get some free tutoring and planning to dump me as soon as I am no longer useful. I don't like being cynical, but I guess that, just as she said of her past experience, I also fear getting too emotionally invested and being betrayed.
Do you see any sensible and responsible approach to try to see if there is a chance of building mutual trust and a more stable relationship? Many thanks for your insights.
In our first few dates, there seemed to be good chemistry, stimulating conversation and a lot of shared interests and values. However, after we had sex for the first time, she seemed to have erected an emotional barrier and limited interactions to hook-up arrangements. She recently told me that she thought I was only interested in using her for casual sex and that I was a player (totally false). Based on her aloofness and lacking any signs of interest on her part, I assumed she was only looking for a fling. In addition, she has been flakey at times (e.g.: proposing getting together and later postponing/cancelling) and said she was not that into me, but just found me "intriguing".
Now that she suggested changing the nature of our relationship to something involving more affection and openness, instead of only casual sex, some doubts have appeared. For instance, she is taking her final college exams soon, and she asked whether I could help her go over a few study questions (I work in her field of study). At some level, I fear she may just be expressing interest in me to get some free tutoring and planning to dump me as soon as I am no longer useful. I don't like being cynical, but I guess that, just as she said of her past experience, I also fear getting too emotionally invested and being betrayed.
Do you see any sensible and responsible approach to try to see if there is a chance of building mutual trust and a more stable relationship? Many thanks for your insights.
I doubt she is consciously planning on "using you", but she also sounds like a person with more complicated issues than average. Everybody has their issues, everybody is emotionally "broken" in one way or another, but the fact that relationships with her need to be precisely defined for her to be comfortable, and that this definition can change multiple times in what sounds like a few months, and that even with easy and open communications it's easy to have two people with unintentionally very different understandings of what's going on, this just sounds like the relationship is going to need a lot of emotional effort. Not intentional betrayal, but accidental miscommunications and the habit of taking things very personally. I advise caution!
posted by aimedwander at 8:03 AM on November 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by aimedwander at 8:03 AM on November 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
She sounds intelligent, honest, and complicated. I don't think she's in it for free tutoring, although I can't be sure. Why not defer the relationship until after the exams? Until then, you can just talk as friends, if you want, or just take some time to think about how to approach this.
Helping her on her exams is up to you; you can say no, of course, and then see what happens.
However - It seems very unlikely that she would ask help with studying in exchange for false emotional intimacy. Wouldn't you be just as likely to help her without the emotional possible bond? Why are you so suspicious of her?
Please consider what it would take for you to truly trust her. If you're going to give her a chance, you have to pay attention to her current/new behavior and not just past actions. People are capable of opening up, especially since it sounds like she's willing to try (so sweet).
posted by amtho at 8:14 AM on November 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Helping her on her exams is up to you; you can say no, of course, and then see what happens.
However - It seems very unlikely that she would ask help with studying in exchange for false emotional intimacy. Wouldn't you be just as likely to help her without the emotional possible bond? Why are you so suspicious of her?
Please consider what it would take for you to truly trust her. If you're going to give her a chance, you have to pay attention to her current/new behavior and not just past actions. People are capable of opening up, especially since it sounds like she's willing to try (so sweet).
posted by amtho at 8:14 AM on November 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Saying she's not that in to you is a pretty unkind way to maintain barriers. If you two want to move forward, communicate your fears to her, let her communicate her fears to you (it sounds like you've done that), and then talk about what each of you want for now, and what you might be looking for in the future. Also talk a little bit about what makes each of you interested in the other for a more intimate relationship - that's not clear from your question.
In some ways the two of you are at the start of dating, still trying to figure out how well you work together. So go slow and communicate a lot.
posted by ldthomps at 8:15 AM on November 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
In some ways the two of you are at the start of dating, still trying to figure out how well you work together. So go slow and communicate a lot.
posted by ldthomps at 8:15 AM on November 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't understand responses that say you should move on because you've known each other for, what, a few weeks? I honestly have never known a couple that hadn't gone through a period of questioning their reservations. You literally have to get to know a person before you can judge whether you want a relationship with them. I mean good lord when I met my husband, he was still married to a woman and wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to come out of the closet. I was working in a sex club. Everyone around us predicted calamity, but fuck those guys. We talked to each other and had as much body travel as we could handle and fell in love. You bet your bippy there was bet-hedging aloofness at the beginning, for both of us.
I'd venture to say the opposite: if you don't have questions and anxiety, you might want to ask why that is? My vote's with headnsouth. Think about what you want, ask her what she wants, have conversations, make decisions based off of those conversations and not weird random internet stranger advice.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:17 AM on November 23, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'd venture to say the opposite: if you don't have questions and anxiety, you might want to ask why that is? My vote's with headnsouth. Think about what you want, ask her what she wants, have conversations, make decisions based off of those conversations and not weird random internet stranger advice.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:17 AM on November 23, 2015 [8 favorites]
Sometimes relationships get off to such a bad start that it's not upgradeable. If you can't even trust her to not use you for tutoring, which is the most boring way of being used ever, it's too broken to fix. If the two of you can't even have an honest conversation in which you aren't both competing to be the least vulnerable, you can't have a real relationship because that's a base requirement.
But I'll also tell you that getting hurt - as in garden-variety rejection, rather than having someone steal your millions and murder your family - is not this most-valuable thing that must be avoided at all costs. Get hurt. Embrace getting hurt. People who get hurt learn more and do better. People who fail succeed better. Walking around terrified of getting hurt is like walking around terrified of getting dirty. It's not a terror-level thing.
Don't walk around like that, and avoid people who do, because until they learn better they live lives that are entirely at the control - and fault - of other people. It will always be someone else stopping them from being their best selves. Give her space to deal with that before she gets into a relationship with someone.
Leave her to it, move on, be brave, take risks. Going into something that's already this much of a mess is not healthy for either of you.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:18 AM on November 23, 2015 [17 favorites]
But I'll also tell you that getting hurt - as in garden-variety rejection, rather than having someone steal your millions and murder your family - is not this most-valuable thing that must be avoided at all costs. Get hurt. Embrace getting hurt. People who get hurt learn more and do better. People who fail succeed better. Walking around terrified of getting hurt is like walking around terrified of getting dirty. It's not a terror-level thing.
Don't walk around like that, and avoid people who do, because until they learn better they live lives that are entirely at the control - and fault - of other people. It will always be someone else stopping them from being their best selves. Give her space to deal with that before she gets into a relationship with someone.
Leave her to it, move on, be brave, take risks. Going into something that's already this much of a mess is not healthy for either of you.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:18 AM on November 23, 2015 [17 favorites]
Oh for goodness sake, just date! Why don't people date anymore? You can go out, see if you like hanging out together, and if so, go on more dates. That doesn't mean that the sexytimes have to stop, but you don't have to go from FWB to IS THIS PERSON THE ONE in one step?
Go bowling! Go to the movies! Get a burger or something! I sound 100 years old, but good lord, all the angst! You'll know if you like one another to keep going by doing something fun! It should be fun!!!
posted by xingcat at 8:19 AM on November 23, 2015 [38 favorites]
Go bowling! Go to the movies! Get a burger or something! I sound 100 years old, but good lord, all the angst! You'll know if you like one another to keep going by doing something fun! It should be fun!!!
posted by xingcat at 8:19 AM on November 23, 2015 [38 favorites]
your suspicion that she's using you for tutoring borders on paranoid, i think and is an indication that you don't trust her. for both of your sake i think you should move on.
for the future, you can't gain more intimacy without risking hurt - that's the inherent trade off. it seems like you are blaming her for the walls between you two, but she sensed them in you as well, and now it's you who are prolonging it. it might be good to work out within yourself what your blocks are about and not pin this all on her.
posted by nadawi at 8:19 AM on November 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
for the future, you can't gain more intimacy without risking hurt - that's the inherent trade off. it seems like you are blaming her for the walls between you two, but she sensed them in you as well, and now it's you who are prolonging it. it might be good to work out within yourself what your blocks are about and not pin this all on her.
posted by nadawi at 8:19 AM on November 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Make words come out of your face. It's not possible to know what someone else is thinking without asking them. Tell her what you need, ask her what she needs, discuss whether the two of you can bring what you need and what you can give each other into alignment.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:32 AM on November 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:32 AM on November 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Ten days ago, you were sure she was going to dump you. Did you ever discuss those feelings with her? One way to deal with your insecurities is to discuss them. The speed with which you're finding new things to feel horrible about makes me feel like you should just move on at this point, but if not you really need to do some soul-searching about how you feel and what you want and discuss it with her.
posted by hollyholly at 1:32 PM on November 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by hollyholly at 1:32 PM on November 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Once upon a time I was in a relationship where a few weeks into it, the person I was dating told me they had been hurt badly before and could only put their barriers down and commit to liking me once I was sure that I really liked them. The fact that the start of our relationship was framed this way led to a very difficult following few months, where I was constantly second guessing person x's intentions and how involved they really were. It ended with me being hurt and pretty messed up.
Its worth noting that people can be incredibly manipulative when they say things like this, even when they are not intending to be.
Anyway, your case may be different, but I would proceed with caution and awareness.
posted by twill at 3:26 PM on November 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Its worth noting that people can be incredibly manipulative when they say things like this, even when they are not intending to be.
Anyway, your case may be different, but I would proceed with caution and awareness.
posted by twill at 3:26 PM on November 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
To what? What do you want? All of this is about trying to read her.
Any ideas on how to promote more intimacy without risking too much?
You are both hedging your bets; she's just being more up front about it. There is no intimacy without vulnerability. Open and honest communication is the only way to go. What do you want? Tell her.
posted by headnsouth at 8:00 AM on November 23, 2015 [6 favorites]