Fear of loneliness *and* fear of dating
November 19, 2015 9:52 AM Subscribe
I'm terrified of loneliness and terrified of dating. Needless to say, I'm wound up most of the time. What can I do about this?
Me: 31, female, queer American living in London. For the past decade (at least) I've struggled with two seemingly contradictory issues, and I feel like it's time to grow up and move on.
For whatever reason (probably connected with an abusive upbringing) I've had very few romantic relationships. Two, actually. I either get crushes on obviously ambivalent and damaged people in an attempt to recreate patterns of rejection from my childhood, or I completely freak out and check out from the dating process in general. I've dipped my toe into Tinder and Her, but feel tremendous anxiety and pressure around chatting with strangers and going on dates with them.
With no real family to speak of, I rely on my friends for all my love and affection (which is probably unfair to them, now that I reflect on it). I feel an intense sense of shame and self-loathing and anger when they choose their romantic partners over me -- as if I've been "abandoned."
Together, these two issues (along with the family stuff) have left me with a huge interconnected mess of feelings around feeling unloved and unlovable, unwanted and unwantable, and somehow fundamentally *different* than everyone else. I spend a lot of time weeping alone on weekends, feeling absolutely despondent, and getting panicky about upcoming weekends and the subsequent weeping alone. To be honest, it fucking sucks.
I have an okay therapist but we haven't really made much progress on this. And I'm not sure what to do -- although I know intellectually it's probably go new places, meet new people, expand my horizons, it's all a big horrifying blob. (Also, um, I have issues with executive functions, which is worth noting because I struggle to separate large projects into individual steps.)
I'm sure I sound like a disaster here. On the outside, nobody can tell: I am clever and kind, funny and fun to be with. I might even be slightly attractive. But on the inside, it's all a mess, and I don't know what to do.
Any advice? :(
Me: 31, female, queer American living in London. For the past decade (at least) I've struggled with two seemingly contradictory issues, and I feel like it's time to grow up and move on.
For whatever reason (probably connected with an abusive upbringing) I've had very few romantic relationships. Two, actually. I either get crushes on obviously ambivalent and damaged people in an attempt to recreate patterns of rejection from my childhood, or I completely freak out and check out from the dating process in general. I've dipped my toe into Tinder and Her, but feel tremendous anxiety and pressure around chatting with strangers and going on dates with them.
With no real family to speak of, I rely on my friends for all my love and affection (which is probably unfair to them, now that I reflect on it). I feel an intense sense of shame and self-loathing and anger when they choose their romantic partners over me -- as if I've been "abandoned."
Together, these two issues (along with the family stuff) have left me with a huge interconnected mess of feelings around feeling unloved and unlovable, unwanted and unwantable, and somehow fundamentally *different* than everyone else. I spend a lot of time weeping alone on weekends, feeling absolutely despondent, and getting panicky about upcoming weekends and the subsequent weeping alone. To be honest, it fucking sucks.
I have an okay therapist but we haven't really made much progress on this. And I'm not sure what to do -- although I know intellectually it's probably go new places, meet new people, expand my horizons, it's all a big horrifying blob. (Also, um, I have issues with executive functions, which is worth noting because I struggle to separate large projects into individual steps.)
I'm sure I sound like a disaster here. On the outside, nobody can tell: I am clever and kind, funny and fun to be with. I might even be slightly attractive. But on the inside, it's all a mess, and I don't know what to do.
Any advice? :(
I was recently in a very similar situation, in that I had climbed up a ladder onto a roof and it was time to climb back down the ladder again and I didn't want to because obviously I would die. Given that the alternative was to stay on the roof alone (I tried to get my friend to call the fire department because I like fire fighters a really whole lot, but she wouldn't, said I had to go down the ladder), I flung myself into it. I did not look down. I said, "Go down the ladder." My arms and legs said, "All right, chief." Soon I was on the ground. I don't know how it happened.
The trick is to not game out and think through every move. This is not a job for your brain but for your body. Stop dipping toes and jump in. Line up a bunch of dates. Then give simple orders, and let your body follow them unobserved. Say "Go to the place. Sit in the chair. Drink the nice coffee/tea/beer. Talk to the nice person." Don't watch and nitpick and faultfind. At the end of the date the whole of the assessment should be: Did I die? Apparently not. Therefore, I am a success.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:40 AM on November 19, 2015 [12 favorites]
The trick is to not game out and think through every move. This is not a job for your brain but for your body. Stop dipping toes and jump in. Line up a bunch of dates. Then give simple orders, and let your body follow them unobserved. Say "Go to the place. Sit in the chair. Drink the nice coffee/tea/beer. Talk to the nice person." Don't watch and nitpick and faultfind. At the end of the date the whole of the assessment should be: Did I die? Apparently not. Therefore, I am a success.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:40 AM on November 19, 2015 [12 favorites]
I've dipped my toe into Tinder and Her, but feel tremendous anxiety and pressure around chatting with strangers and going on dates with them.
The only way to become less anxious about this is to do it more. Right now, the anxiety feels like a loud clamor in your brain. The more time you spend meeting people and talking to people and going on dates, the more that anxiety will recede to a background hum.
I spend a lot of time weeping alone on weekends, feeling absolutely despondent
You said that you have friends, so I'm curious why you are spending weekends alone. I mean, I spend some weekends alone, but I have enough activities in my life that a weekend alone is only part "aw man, I feel lonely and bored" and a lot more "oh finally, enough time to do all my chores and shopping!" I think you need more social outlets. You could try joining a "just for fun" sports team, volunteering for a cause you support, or taking a class. The thing that finally clicked for me was, appropriately enough, going to a MeFi meetup.
I have an okay therapist but we haven't really made much progress on this.
I know that the UK mental health system sometimes limits your choices, but if it's at all possible, I would strongly recommend finding a different therapist and telling them that this loneliness and emotional baggage is a priority for you and you need to make progress on it. Or even telling your current therapist how frustrated you feel with the lack of progress and that you need some more resources in this area.
posted by capricorn at 10:56 AM on November 19, 2015
The only way to become less anxious about this is to do it more. Right now, the anxiety feels like a loud clamor in your brain. The more time you spend meeting people and talking to people and going on dates, the more that anxiety will recede to a background hum.
I spend a lot of time weeping alone on weekends, feeling absolutely despondent
You said that you have friends, so I'm curious why you are spending weekends alone. I mean, I spend some weekends alone, but I have enough activities in my life that a weekend alone is only part "aw man, I feel lonely and bored" and a lot more "oh finally, enough time to do all my chores and shopping!" I think you need more social outlets. You could try joining a "just for fun" sports team, volunteering for a cause you support, or taking a class. The thing that finally clicked for me was, appropriately enough, going to a MeFi meetup.
I have an okay therapist but we haven't really made much progress on this.
I know that the UK mental health system sometimes limits your choices, but if it's at all possible, I would strongly recommend finding a different therapist and telling them that this loneliness and emotional baggage is a priority for you and you need to make progress on it. Or even telling your current therapist how frustrated you feel with the lack of progress and that you need some more resources in this area.
posted by capricorn at 10:56 AM on November 19, 2015
I have a "no dating" personal policy going back more than three decades. It has not stopped me from getting laid, getting married, etc.
I really hate the "dating" scene. I have really negative views of it and cannot make it work for me. Dating is not the only way to find romantic attachment.
While divorcing, I was online a lot and frequently logged into a chat program. That inadvertently became hook-up central for me.
Find a social platform of some sort where you like to hang. Fill out the profile with personal info. Include a photo of yourself. Be open about your location and orientation. (It is possible to use Metafilter this way.)
For me, some of the anxiety concerning dating is that I'm not "normal", so people looking for "normal" will be really awful to me. If I socialize with no goal of hooking up, the folks who think I am their kind of weird will find me and we sometimes hit it off. The folks who would be a terrible first date and never speak to me again learn enough to know that I am not their cup of tea and they don't ask and we can continue to be superficially polite-friendly without me feeling horribly rejected and dejected. That works tons better for me.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 11:34 AM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
I really hate the "dating" scene. I have really negative views of it and cannot make it work for me. Dating is not the only way to find romantic attachment.
While divorcing, I was online a lot and frequently logged into a chat program. That inadvertently became hook-up central for me.
Find a social platform of some sort where you like to hang. Fill out the profile with personal info. Include a photo of yourself. Be open about your location and orientation. (It is possible to use Metafilter this way.)
For me, some of the anxiety concerning dating is that I'm not "normal", so people looking for "normal" will be really awful to me. If I socialize with no goal of hooking up, the folks who think I am their kind of weird will find me and we sometimes hit it off. The folks who would be a terrible first date and never speak to me again learn enough to know that I am not their cup of tea and they don't ask and we can continue to be superficially polite-friendly without me feeling horribly rejected and dejected. That works tons better for me.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 11:34 AM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you were in the USA, I'd suggest you to find a therapist that does cognitive behavioral therapy, and also to see about getting anti anxiety and anti depression meds. Meds don't solve all problems, but they can give you a space to cope with them.
Have you been this explicit with your therapist about all your issues?
I do think giving yourself permission not to date now is a good idea. It removes a lot of pressure from you. And no, you aren't too old to date or have a successful relationship now or a year or five years. Abuse from the past takes time to heal, and to correct.
Dating and even socalizing is a skill. Like all skills some people are naturally good at it, and some have to work really hard to master it or be decently good at it.
And I fully believe its not a problem you just Solve All At Once (I like to try this too; it.... uh... dosent work so good for me) but you go to thing, meet person A, who is a terrible date option and even a so-so friend, but they introduce you to Social Circle C, which contains Friend B, who knows this person who would be a totally great Date for you... :D
posted by Jacen at 2:40 PM on November 19, 2015
Have you been this explicit with your therapist about all your issues?
I do think giving yourself permission not to date now is a good idea. It removes a lot of pressure from you. And no, you aren't too old to date or have a successful relationship now or a year or five years. Abuse from the past takes time to heal, and to correct.
Dating and even socalizing is a skill. Like all skills some people are naturally good at it, and some have to work really hard to master it or be decently good at it.
And I fully believe its not a problem you just Solve All At Once (I like to try this too; it.... uh... dosent work so good for me) but you go to thing, meet person A, who is a terrible date option and even a so-so friend, but they introduce you to Social Circle C, which contains Friend B, who knows this person who would be a totally great Date for you... :D
posted by Jacen at 2:40 PM on November 19, 2015
Are you interested in roller derby at all? In my experience it's an excellent way to meet and make friends with queer women as well as getting some exercise and has the perhaps helpful side effect of sucking up all the free time you have. There are a few leagues in the London area and they're all usually recruiting.
posted by corvine at 3:10 PM on November 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by corvine at 3:10 PM on November 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Friendship.
I would vote that you work on that first.
To do this, I would recommend that you commit to working on this for at least 6 months to a year.
During this time, I would focus on yourself, on getting better, on getting good at this friendship thing, and not dating ANYONE.
This should calm your anxiety about dating, because you've already committed to not dating anyone until after a certain period of time, and you're better prepared for it.
I would start with one good friend and work on being a good friend to that person. Once you have a measure of comfort and calm with that person, I would add one more friend to the mix.
I would also recommend that you take a look at your fitness and diet.
Are you eating clean and healthy, or are you eating crap?
Are you working out and active, or are you sitting on the couch, binge watching or worrying yourself?
Your message comes across as wanting to conquer this whole thing with one big bite, and you really need to do the opposite and take baby steps, and really narrow your focus.
When you are practicing extreme self-care, and taking good care of yourself, you can be a good friend, and, later on, a great partner.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 10:39 AM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]