Making friends when you're 30
November 14, 2015 7:57 PM   Subscribe

I am a single dad currently functioning as a transplant in a new city. I've been here a year, but haven't had much luck in meeting people. ❅ ❄ ❆ inside.

First off, I wanted to acknowledge the dime-a-dozen characteristic of this type of post. I'm specifically asking the hive mind because I like the posts and responses on MetaFilter/AskMeFi, so I thank anyone who throws in a word or two. Perhaps it helps me as well to just put it in my own words.

I am a single dad who moved to Cleveland after living in a bigger city for five years. I moved here via the circumstance of inadvertently getting a woman pregnant and needing a place to live, by her request, around family. Things didn't work out between us, but we're still friends, and I see her and my child every other day. When we lived together here at first, I had a deeply depressive episode a few weeks after my child was born that left me in a puddle of my own piss in a hospital bed. I was certain up through that time that I would commit suicide within the year. She brought me to get some help, however, and I have been doing very well since receiving psychiatric and therapeutic help up through the beginning of this year. I currently medicate but lost interest in my therapist.

I have been seeing someone at work for a couple months, and it's been going well. Thus, I have been able to cultivate a good situation with the mother of my child and produce something in my dating life. I just don't know how to make friends. My friendbase is entirely in my previous city, and I was able to band with them mainly because any given person in that group was introduced to me by my roommate and best friend where I used to live. My social anxiety is an incredibly dire issue, and it affects my work performance and ability to function in general, even though medication slightly smooths this. This being said, I don't think I'm difficult to communicate with in general, but that's difficult to accurately perceive.

There are a number of social events that I have attended here the past year and a half, and volunteer opportunities I have also undertaken. I worked with a refugee family for several months and I semi-frequently attend social justice initiatives related to race relations, policing, and other various causes, which I basically discover online. I meet people at things like this sometimes, but I've never been able to fashion an interaction into a future hang-out. I'm not interested in hanging out with coworkers--work chemistry is ok, but I find a good deal of them to be insufferable as people.

In spite of all the good things in my life, I hate it here. I long for trips back to where I used to live. Cleveland is incredibly spread out, so it feels much more alienating than living in the bigger city I was in previously. I'm into music, history, reading, and generally leftist causes, so there are things that do in fact drag me out into the world--I just don't know how one falls into a situation where you meet people, especially when I don't have much of a buffer-friend like I sort of had with my close friend before (not that I see him as a buffer--he is my best friend, and has a better gift with meeting people, and helped me do so).

Given all this, as someone who has failed to meet people by going out to bars by myself, going to progressive social events, and going to shows, what the hell does one do? How do I just meet a person like a normal person?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
I volunteer. It at least gives me social interaction. Making friends takes a long time, so just putting in the time and seeing the same faces then leads to that nervous interaction of "hey lets have coffee and hang out sometime because you're cool." The type of events you're attending don't sound like they have the same faces, which makes it harder. I also joined a local hobbyist group and that's helped because we all meet at the same time every week and it's always pretty much the same core group of 7 people with others who come in and out. I also recently moved; I have lived here for five months and have yet to actually go have a coffee with a person that might be a friend, but at least I asked someone about it last week. It took that long to meet someone and see their face a few times and establish a baseline. Not ideal, but it's OK. I also do not hang out with coworkers.

So, basically, the type of events you're talking about are by and large transient: shows, social events, bars... try looking at Meetup for something more regular, or try volunteering at one place at the same time every week. You'll start to see the same people and then you'll be able to build a "hi I am a normal person you are a normal person lets go be normal somewhere outside of this structured time" relationship with at least one or two of them.

I also take long trips back "home" because I miss my friends and they're all there. Everyone I love is there and I am here and believe me, I understand, it is really hard and not ideal. But is this something that you can do? Once every three months for a weekend, for example?

Take care.
posted by sockermom at 8:06 PM on November 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


Like sockermom said, I think "putting in the time and seeing the same faces" is key. Find a thing that involves a regular group of people meeting on a regular basis doing something you like to do: a book club, sports club, etc.

What helped me, moving to a city (for a job) where I knew no one, was joining a small choral group. We rehearse, we perform, and occasionally we go out for a beer after rehearsal.

So that's my suggestion. Find a book club at the library, join a bowling team, do some local theater or music, find a gaming group. That sort of thing.
posted by brentajones at 8:18 PM on November 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Shaker Heights, here. 37. Met most of my good friends through daycare, and some through a local professional association or through work. But it took a while! We moved from New York in '09 and it was 2-3 years before I felt like I had my social...thing in place.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 8:29 PM on November 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm 35, no kids, and I live about an hour and a half outside of Cleveland. My friends are mostly from my hobbies. I try to be open to making friends outside my immediate age bracket (I've recently become close with some twenty-something old souls and it's been fun to see the world through their less-jaded eyes sometimes) and I like to be the one to initiate outings ("I'm going to this movie/show/exhibit, does anyone want to go?") to places I'm going to enjoy so even if I'm shut down on my invitation, at least I'm going to do something I want to do and have a new experience. Don't give up. The people are out there and they're cool and they're missing a segment of their group and it's you. You just have to find that group or, sometimes, those groups.
posted by Merinda at 9:21 PM on November 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Get a (usually) week-end job at a Farmers Market. It is a venue that self-selects from a broad swath of cultures and classes, but everyone meets in the middle in terms of being a nice human being. The customers, the other vendors and their employees, just great. Like the bigger world, you won't love everyone, but you will like almost all folks you meet, at least on some level. Go forth.
posted by jbenben at 11:42 PM on November 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


One thing I did when I had moved to a new town and was eager to make friends was to make a concerted effort to convert people: if I met someone new (through work, through an acquaintance, through whatever) who I thought this is the kind of person I like, I would say something like "we should get together for coffee/tea sometime" and I would email that person within the next week or so to ask them out on a "friend date" (not using those words, but you get the idea).

I never had anyone refuse the invitation to meet for coffee/tea and, in many of these instances, my initial gut impression that I could be friends with the person turned out right. And so the "friend dates" would continue (so long as every once in a while the other person initiated it as well - so it wasn't just me). Eventually coffee/tea would turn to dinner invitations and voila, the next thing you know you have a friend! And then maybe you become friends with their friends, etc.

Tl/dr: you have to put your neck out there a bit and make a directed effort to convert people you sense you might like into friends. It feels a bit weird and scary, but when you are an adult and everyone is busy, it does seem to me that you have to make invitations to friendship that are fairly explicit.

Surely you've met one or two people you might consider trying to convert?
posted by Halo in reverse at 1:09 AM on November 15, 2015 [8 favorites]


When I lived in Cleveland (which was almost 10 years ago), I remember that there were always art gallery shows on the weekends in Ohio City and Tremont. People would stand around chatting and drinking wine. The art would give you a good opening to strike up a conversation (though be careful - the artist is usually there). You'll often see a lot of the same people at these events, so you'll become recognizable. And they're not as loud as rock shows. Might be worth a try.
posted by amro at 4:57 AM on November 15, 2015


I moved when I was in my forties and most of my friends here come from a hobby group, though I met other nice people through volunteering (which I see you already do). I'm a lapsed Unitarian and I know there are often secular justice and political type meetings at my UU church that are open to anyone. Also, although it varies from place to place, where I am in Calif, the services are mostly humanistic and are not-Jesus centric. (I'm just guessing you aren't into church, since you didn't mention trying it. Some UU churches are not much like traditional churches, but they have coffee hour with fair trade, shade grown coffee.)

Maybe check out book clubs and kid story hours at all the library branches as part of exploring the town. Maybe borrow a neighbors dog and take it for a walk. Oh, and since the timing is right, you can volunteer to work on a presidential campaign or go to some rallies. (Although I know politics in sickeningly inescapable in "battleground" states.)
posted by puddledork at 6:15 AM on November 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Dad playgroups and other play groups. Go consistently and see the same people. Kids are incredible ice breakers.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:31 AM on November 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


If you want to try the bar again, play pool. My ex met a ton of people that way. The good thing is you don't have to enter much of a conversation at first, as you are both focusing on the game. Then, next time you play together, you can offer to buy them a drink, and it moves from there.
posted by Vaike at 7:41 AM on November 15, 2015


If you like gaming at all, I would suggest trying Ingress. It gets you out, walking around, and seeing new parts of the city. There are meetups for the game and people reach out as they see you're name in the area. At first, you can just talk about the game and strategize. Then you can move into some friendships.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:02 AM on November 15, 2015


I think the above give a lot of examples of how to meet people, and not enough examples of how to make friends. I have found that I just have to be overt and generous about it. Also I am fucking busy so I don't have time to waste with this shit.

STEP 1:

Every time I meet someone I remotely think I might like to be friends with, I give them a really simple personal card and say "Hey, I've really enjoyed meeting you; please drop me a text or shoot me an email if you'd like to get coffee. "

I'd say I have about a good success rate in terms of hearing from people again. When I don't hear from people again, I don't take it personally because a) I accept that not everyone has to like me b)I totally understand that not everyone who does like me also has the capacity to expand their social circles at this exact moment c) I honest-to-God do not care what people I am never going to see again think of me, so if they think being hit up for a coffee is weird, that's no problem.

STEP 2:

If the coffee goes OK and the person still seems fun / nice / interesting, I friend them on Facebook or follow on Instagram or follow in Twitter or whatever. I Like or heart or retweet some things -- not at a creepy stalker level but like 2 or 3 things over the course of a week.

(Other people may replace social media with texting in this step but I think that's burdonsome for both parties. The asynchronious nature of social media is easier for light interactions as well as public and less intimate.)

STEP 3:

I will invite the person out for a 2nd time, again for coffee or for lunch or something low-stakes, after 10 days to 2 weeks. That's not enough time to mutually forget one another but not so little time it comes off as OMG WE ARE BFFS NOW.

If they decline, I leave it. If they say "another time" I leave it to them to take the lead and re-schedule. (I try to leave a lot of gracious opportunities to bail!)

STEP 4:

I stop now. It's the other person's turn. If I never hear from them again, no worries.

BONUS: I have far less energy now than I used to so these days I am trying to corral people into single social events, like "I am meeting my new friend Beth on Friday and I thought you might like her; do you want to join us?" and I'll add people as I go.

IN SHORT: Get cards, invite people to get coffee!
posted by DarlingBri at 11:02 AM on November 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


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