Non-awkwardly doing my own thing during beginning of real relationship

November 9, 2015 12:20 PM

I have a new boyfriend, total sweetheart, things are going well. It feels like a relationship that could be a good thing long term, though I know it is new. The kind of person I could see myself making a home with. It's been a while since I've been "in a relationship" so I'm not used to trying to fit someone into my life. Logistically...how do you do a good job navigating doing your own thing while getting closer to someone new?

One example...this weekend I spent basically the entire weekend with this guy. I loved spending that time with him, and for once I'm not all that behind at work so I didn't go to my office on Sunday like I often do.

But, I also am learning a new musical instrument and didn't practice this weekend, even though I'm pretty serious about it and would have practiced every day otherwise. It just seemed awkward, while someone is visiting me and hanging out in my tiny apartment (we are in the same city but don't live close by each other) to just be like, can you entertain yourself for an hour while I play scales?

In my ideal relationship we wouldn't be "guests" in each other's homes and would be able to ignore each other and do our own thing for a bit while still being happy that the other person is there. When you live with someone it's obvious that you're not going to be 100% focused on someone just because you're in the same place. But when you don't...how do you make that work?

posted by Squalor Victoria to Human Relations (10 answers total)

You make it work by talking about it. Your partner should find it attractive that you have boundaries, including creative/professional space you carve out for yourself, so long as you clearly and kindly communicate your intentions/desires. This is an important healthy thing in a relationship, so start it from the jump.

Tell him what your ideal relationship looks like, ask him what his looks like. Work it out from there.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:33 PM on November 9, 2015 [11 favorites]

I hope this doesn't sound flip, but you use your words and tell your new guy that you need to practice your scales, and that he's welcome to hang out while you do that. Or, if you need privacy, tell him that too. If he's a total sweetheart he'll understand.
posted by benbenson at 12:35 PM on November 9, 2015

It helps to set the expectations when you're planning to spend time together. "Do you want to come over on Thursday? I was going to cook some chili, and we can watch that movie. I'll need to spend about an hour on some home stuff, I wasn't around to do laundry and all that last weekend, so bring a book. But I'll pay attention to you the rest of the time."
This is super-common in student relationships, because student time is unstructured except for class hours, but involves a lot of homework and reading and paper-writing, so relationships often involve being in the same room doing your own tasks. After school, we're still as busy, or more so, but it's a bigger hurdle in a relationship to suggest "doing homework" because it's not required as such - but part of being an adult is giving yourself homework and following through on it.
posted by aimedwander at 12:35 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]

can you entertain yourself for an hour while I play scales?

You have to actually say this. Ideally as early as possible. Communicate your need for personal time clearly from the get-go and it becomes the expected thing. Either it'll work out or it won't, and if it doesn't that's a clue that the person you're dating isn't a good partner for you.

Part of this, though, is not getting saddlesore if the other person decides to leave. You want to practice your instrument with your personal time. Maybe they're cool hanging out and reading or spectating or whatever, but maybe they'd be happier spending their personal time going for a walk or otherwise doing their own thing away from you.

Make sure you communicate and follow your needs, and respect the other person for communicating and following theirs.
posted by phunniemee at 12:37 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]

Being able to do things near a person that aren't with that person is one of the unsung keys to a good relationship, romantic or otherwise.
posted by Etrigan at 12:52 PM on November 9, 2015 [22 favorites]

"Hey I love spending the weekends together, but I've really been neglecting my instrument. Do you mind if I take an hour to do the scales next time? Bring that book you've been meaning to read [whatever hobby he has] and we can do hobbies together for a bit, then go out for dinner"
posted by monologish at 2:50 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

All of the above advice is great, I will also add that if this is a new relationship, sometimes it does take a while for the "comfortable doing our own thing in the same room" dynamic to develop. My husband and I definitely have this now, but didn't so much when we first started dating. I think part of it is just that when you're less comfortable with someone AND with their space, it's harder to just "do your own thing" because you feel weird about flipping on their TV or not sure whether the comfy chair in the corner belongs to a roommate or whether food in the fridge is up for grabs if you get hungry or where the extra toilet paper is stored etc. etc. etc. As you get more comfortable with each other AND with the logistics of each other's spaces, I do think this will be easier.

I also especially like the advice to let your guy know ahead of time if you want a block of time to do your own thing, so he will know to bring along whatever it is he wants to do to occupy himself. And, make your space friendly for him to do that (i.e. let him know he's welcome to browse your bookshelves or put on a movie or cook dinner or whaevs).
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:58 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

I can only speak from personal experience. Personal experience says, whenever you ask yourself a question about how to navigate a situation you're probably best served by avoiding strategy and simply being open and honest. In your example, it wouldn't be a bad thing at all to say, hey, I've got this thing, can you entertain yourself for an hour? I don't want to bump you out and I definitely want to keep spending time together, so... is this ok? I can recommend all sorts of cafes and bookstores etc etc nearby that I love where I could meet you afterward.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:11 PM on November 9, 2015

Basically, start out how you plan to continue. So in other words, if you want a relationship that makes allowances for the fact that you like to go away rock climbing once a month, then start doing it early on, so that a year later you're not springing it on him that you'll be away for a whole weekend every month - it'll just be something you've always done. But it's really important and healthy that you both get time for yourself and the sooner you outline times and boundaries for these, the better.
posted by Jubey at 5:31 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

This is certainly a dilemma I've struggled with in the past and have only recently been able to overcome. And what really helped was simply using my words and asking for the time/space I need. Trust me, I get the anxiety associated with doing that in a relationship, but here's the thing... think of asking for this as a glimpse into your compatibility. It's important to you that you are able to pursue your own interests and have time to yourself, right? I imagine you want a partner who is supportive of that. So your partners response to you asking directly for space/time to yourself will give you pretty good insight into how problematic it may be to get these things in the future (or throughout the relationship).
posted by stubbehtail at 4:37 PM on November 10, 2015