Christmas, family, argh
November 9, 2015 6:39 AM   Subscribe

Trying to plan out the logistics of where to spend Christmas. Appear to be upsetting everyone due to continuing crises and painful memories on both sides of the family. What should I do for the best?

Apologies in advance for the length of this. So the background: I am married with one young child. My husband’s close family consists of just his mother, who lives quite near us. My family is parents, who live about 5 hours away, plus siblings/aunt, who live scattered around and further away. The plan for after we were married was to alternate Christmases – one year with mine, next with his. (We are in the UK so there is no big event like Thanksgiving to swap it with.) All fine, and Christmas 2012 was the first one we both spent with my family.

Then my father developed (what we believe is) some kind of untreated illness. Depression, dementia, mini-stroke, something, whatever – the effect of this is, among other things, a massive and awful personality change. He spent most of 2013 being increasingly unlike himself and increasingly awful to my mother, and to a lesser extent to all of us. I was very worried about him, as were my siblings, and also worried about my mum. So Christmas 2013, me and husband ended up spending at my parents’ house, where me and siblings tried to help my parents and provide some kind of intervention for Dad. This messed with the original plan for alternating Christmas, but seemed like a reasonable thing to do for a one-off crisis.

The flipside of that was that my mother-in-law ended up spending Christmas on her own, which was not great, and made even worse by her having a tough time with Christmases herself. So I ended up feeling (justifiably?) like crap about this, especially when we called her on Christmas morning and she was in tears. Horrible. As a result of that, me and husband absolutely this-time-for-sure promised that Christmas 2014 would be spent up where we live, whether at MIL’s house or ours, with all my family invited. And, bonus: I was pregnant, so that would be the first Christmas with the new baby!

Through 2014 my father got worse and worse – verbally abusive, moved out of the house but would randomly let himself in and tread dirt all through the carpets, divorce petition filed – so everyone was focused on dealing with that. By November, though, it became clear that this wasn’t going to get any better. At this point, my mother said she didn’t want to leave the house for Christmas, because she was too worried of what my father would do to/with the house in her absence and because it was too upsetting. My mother-in-law said she couldn’t stand to have another Christmas without us, after losing her husband and other family member in the past few years and after having, it turns out, lost a parent on Christmas Day years ago herself.

I felt horrendously caught in the middle. I had my siblings begging me to spend Christmas at my mum’s house, and my husband begging me to spend Christmas at his. Both our mothers were in tears over it, both seemed to have a fairly good case for why the kind and compassionate thing to do would be to spend it with them. I suggested hiring a house midway that everyone could get to, but nobody was okay with this. I suggested hosting everyone at a hotel near us, and promised to pay for it, but this didn’t work either. I felt so so miserable and so so conflicted that for a while I was seriously considering spending Christmas apart from my husband and my baby, because that seemed like the least worst outcome. But in the end we worked out a plan where we would go and stay with my mother, along with my close family, and bring my MIL along too, and put the excess people up in the nearest hotel, on the condition that we absolutely faithfully this time promised we’d spend next Christmas in my MIL’s part of the country (at our house or at hers).

So it’s now the runup to Christmas 2015. Throughout the year, I’ve been making it clear to everyone that this time, me and husband would be hosting Christmas at our house, for everyone who wanted to stay. We can put some people up. We will pay for a hotel for others. We really, really want to spend Christmas with our toddler, at our house, in our part of the country, and we would love our families to be able to join us for some/all of the time.

And now I’m facing the exact same situation as last year – father acting bizarrely, divorce proceedings up in the air (including fighting over the house), mother not wanting to leave house, siblings being pretty clear that they feel like I’m letting our mother down by not just sucking it up and travelling down there, mother-in-law in tears, husband saying “we have now promised her we’d be up here for three years in a row, we can’t let her down again.”

I feel terrible, and upset and guilty. I just want to spend Christmas with my husband and my toddler at our house, for the first time ever, but this seems to be upsetting absolutely everybody I love. (Apart from the toddler, who is blissfully oblivious!)

I would appreciate any thoughts on navigating this, because this time last year was six weeks of hell in the run-up to Christmas and I am so very keen to avoid going through that again. It’s tough enough dealing with Christmases without my dad – I can’t cope with everyone else’s upset on top of that. Help?

(ps – please don’t tell me to get my father medical help. I have tried everything including writing to his doctor, and at this there is really nothing more I can do.)
posted by Catseye to Human Relations (42 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Families grow and divide all the time. It's not reasonable for your birth family to expect you never to prioritize your husband and mother-in-law over them. Being with your mother last year and the year before don't seem to have helped the situation any. Tell your siblings that you have a new family, one that includes but is not exclusively your birth family, and that you feel that it's important to you and your husband and your toddler that you spend time with your mother-in-law.

It's going to be difficult. Tell your siblings that you've made your decision, and you would appreciate that even if they can't support it, then at least they can try to understand it. If they try to guilt you any further, just ignore them and change the topic of conversation.
posted by Etrigan at 6:52 AM on November 9, 2015 [31 favorites]


You feel bad because these people are being emotionally manipulative babies. Sorry, because they're your family and I know you love them, but it's true. But they aren't babies - they're adults. They can get in the car and come see you if they want to see you. I don't know what it is about Christmas, which is supposed to be a festive and fun time, that makes people feel like they have to bend to other people's unreasonableness and make themselves miserable in the process. You don't have to do that.

It is 100% normal and okay to want to spend Christmas in your own house with your own family. You've been clear about your plans for a long period of time and are bending over backward - including offering to pay for lodging! - for family to spend the day with you. At some point, you have to let go of the guilt that is being foisted upon you by this crazy, intensive emotional manipulation from all sides, and just live your life. You've been trying for years to please everybody, and you can see that it doesn't work, yes? You're never going to be able to control someone else's emotional reactions to your perfectly logical, reasonable, and acceptable decisions. Live your life!
posted by something something at 6:54 AM on November 9, 2015 [41 favorites]


I just want to spend Christmas with my husband and my toddler at our house, for the first time ever,

Do this. You have a family now and it's the natural order of things for you to begin creating your own - positive - Christmas memories with them.

Invite whomever you choose to invite, and let them decide what they want to do. They are adults. They had their perfect Christmases already, or at least had their childhoods. It's your family's turn.

And as for the guilt, spending Christmas with anyone won't fix them. It won't solve anyone's problems. It won't ever, ever, ever be enough. The movies are wrong.
posted by headnsouth at 6:55 AM on November 9, 2015 [37 favorites]


You know you're never going to be able to please everyone, right? Listen to yourself this year and stay home. You are an adult with a family. Make your own traditions. It sounds like your parents' drama will be around for a while. If you don't start standing up for yourself (and your baby and your husband), it will just be even harder next year. What does your husband say? This shouldn't be only your decision. He gets a vote too. And Christmas doesn't only have to be celebrated on the 25th. Have a special early Xmas with your family the week before.
posted by hydra77 at 6:55 AM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


Start decorating your house. It's the reasonable place to have Xmas this year.
posted by Vaike at 6:55 AM on November 9, 2015 [16 favorites]


Is there any indication this will be better next year? Or the year after? Or the year after?

I totally sympathize with you because this is a "no win" situation. Someone is going to be upset. However, there have been two straight years where you haven't done what you said you would with regards to your MIL. I think it's time to put your foot down with your parents/siblings. You can't control their feelings; only your reaction to their feelings.
posted by Betelgeuse at 6:56 AM on November 9, 2015 [8 favorites]


Serenity Prayer time here - what can't you change, and how can you accept that?

Subjecting yourself to two fraught Christmases in a row has not magically fixed your father's mental health or healed your family on that side. Is a third time likely to do so?

Host Christmas at your house. Have your MIL over. The rest will abide.
posted by Wretch729 at 6:57 AM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Christmas doesn't have to be a DAY. It's Christmas time.

There seem to be 4 possible days to get together for the holidays, 24, 25, 26, 27.
(and 5 hours is a lot to travel with a toddler!).

You could go to your families morning of the 22nd. Spend a couple days, celebrate Christmas eve day, head home and have toddler sleep on the car ride home. Toddler magically wakes up at home on Christmas morning (maybe your MIL could go and put out presents, etc). Then you spend a blissful few days at home with the drama behind you.

I know a lot of Metafilter people will be advise to blow off your family and just do you. My guess is you are like me and it wont really make you happy to do this.
posted by ReluctantViking at 6:57 AM on November 9, 2015 [20 favorites]


Let go of the guilt. Say calmly and clearly that you and your little family are staying at home, anyone else is welcome and if they can't make it, then you can say "Oh, I'm sorry you can't make it."

It will give you a wonderful sense of relief. This is eating you up. You get to decide what kind of Christmas your child has. And one without the drama (except Dr Who Christmas special) is the best, I find.
posted by bwonder2 at 6:58 AM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


It seems like this is the new normal for your family, and they are going to have to find some way to manage that does not involve monopolizing your time at the holidays.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:04 AM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


It sounds like extreme measures are called for. If your mother is really worried about what your father will do to the house in her absence (which is not unreasonable, based on what you've written), you could take extra steps, like:

- rent a storage space and secretly-or-not put your Mom's most valued things in there
- figure out some place that your Dad really wants to do/visit, and arrange to tempt him out of the house with that
- remove all the dangerous stuff from the house, making it at least more difficult for him to do damage
- see if having, for example, a dog would make him fall head-over-heels in love and sweeten him (don't risk harm to any dog, of course, and there are probably reasons this won't work -- I'm just brainstorming here)
- get your Mom a room to stay in away from the house, where she can start to feel a sense of home away from the house, in case something does happen to it

It sounds like things are generally awful for your Mom with your Dad, in that house, right now. I understand not wanting to leave it, but her starting to pull away a bit and taking care of herself might be a good thing; it will be very very hard, but probably worth trying if you also get to help your MIL.

You of course need to take care of yourself and your family so that you will be able to be there for her in the future, too.
posted by amtho at 7:13 AM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Seconding amtho - Dad doesn't live there anymore so get a security system and change the locks on the house and have the company call you in case of break in. Have your mom and MIL over and have a lovely Christmas. If you need to move some things, just in case, do so.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:23 AM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


Tell your siblings that they should plan on Christmas with your mother and then have Christmas as your home and invite MIL as well as everyone else. If your Mom and siblings can come, great! If your mother would rather guard the house, also fine! Maybe there's enough time to get a restraining order or similar to prevent your father from taking advantage of the empty home? Maybe a robust security system can be installed?

Whatever the solution is, I think you should plan on being at your own home and let your siblings do what they think is best for your Mom, whether that's being with you or staying at home with her. Your siblings should be doing a better job of trying to defray this for you. Why they're pressuring you instead of saying, "Catseye, we've got this, you just had a baby." is beyond me.
posted by quince at 7:29 AM on November 9, 2015 [10 favorites]


Your mother is making a choice, to not leave the house. That's fine, but that means that she can't spend Christmas with you. That's her choice. If she wants to spend Christmas with you, she can make a different choice. It's not your responsibility to eliminate all negative consequences of her choice.
posted by jaguar at 7:36 AM on November 9, 2015 [13 favorites]


I favorited a few, but just want to chime in to say: Stay home. Your extended family can come to you, if they want. You've made a very generous offer as far as putting them up in hotels. Your mother is choosing not to find a better solution than to guard the house, and it's on her to change that. It's absolutely not fair to your mother-in-law and husband to keep letting your family control the situation. I get that it's going to feel sad, but I have to think that it will also be a relief.

Also, I'm really sorry about your father. That sounds miserable and exhausting and I'm sorry you have to go through this. But let's be clear: If something is happening to him, he needs to go to a doctor. I know it's easy to feel responsible for an ailing parent (oh BELIEVE ME I KNOW), but at the end of the day you can't actually control him. He needs to seek help.

Christmas with a toddler is AWESOME, though, so there's that. Plus, just think about how much easier it is to be at home with the baby rather than out at someone else's house. It's worth it to upset them, I think.
posted by hought20 at 7:38 AM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


At least from your description, it sounds like your mother -- although in an emotionally very difficult place -- does have other children to lean on who can be with her on Christmas day. Your mother-in-law, on the other hand, has no one else to be with and will otherwise be spending the holiday alone. Plus, you've disappointed her multiple years in a row now. Plus, YOU want to stay at home and invite folks to your place. This seems like a no brainer to me! While it is understandable that your mom may not want to leave her house right now, it sounds like there are plenty of people who can celebrate with her there so she won't be all alone. Perhaps you guys could make a trip down to see her over New Year's? (Not sure how big a holiday this is in the UK.) My husband and I -- at least at the moment, with no kids -- split up the holidays this way. We'll do one family for Christmas, then fly to the next between Christmas and New Year's, and then fly home (a third location) after New Year's. That way both families get to celebrate and do presents together around Christmas, even if not on the exact day.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:38 AM on November 9, 2015 [22 favorites]


Go see your family Christmas Eve, do the big meal & present exchange then. Have a lovely Christmas Morning with your husband & child, & start creating your own traditions. Have Hubbys lone mother over Christmas Day afternoon for lunch, or go to her place which ever works. Your main allegiance is to your family you have now with toddler & husband, worry about that then fit everyone else in around it.

What ever decision you make, make sure you & your husband agree on it then politely but firmly set your boundaries to all other family members presenting a united front. Reply to any & all complaints demands you change with "That won't be possible." When you feel your resolve waiver & the waves of guilt they will throw at you, imagine the fun snuggly morning waking up just the three of you, your childs face as they see the tree Christmas morning with the presents under it as you have a lovely stress free day.
posted by wwax at 7:41 AM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I could see your mother pressuring you if you were the only child, but you mention siblings. She won't be alone on Christmas, and if there is some sort of crisis with your father breaking in, etc. there will be other siblings there to help hold down the fort.

I mean, my grandfather has had several health scares in the past few years, but he lives in Texas and the rest of the family lives on the East Coast, so not everyone went down there every time. Last scare it was just my mother. The one before that, my aunt. Before that, my aunt and mother together. Before that, my uncle. Everyone else was busy with work and their own families.

Don't feel guilty. You are not the only one upholding Christmas here.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:55 AM on November 9, 2015


A couple of years ago I had just miscarried my first pregnancy (and was days pregnant with my kid) when Thanksgiving came around. My mom, the matriarch of her giant family, was being an absolute toad at a time when I needed her more than ever, including telling other family members all about my miscarriage before people knew I'd even been trying to conceive.

In that fraught environment, it takes a LOT of courage to Do Something Different on the one day you're supposed to put aside all of your family misgivings and just get along for a few hours.

We basically stuck our middle fingers up, grabbed our loner friend and decided to go to some local buffet (which is a complete violation of family morals, of course) and ended up at this over-the-top four-room hotel spread with an 8-foot ice sculpture tower of shrimp and butter sculptures of eagles bigger than my head. We went in in our t-shirts next to the wine-sozzled families with little girls in fancy dresses, and we spent the entire time cracking each other up with horrible comments about [someone nasty who deserved it]. We still felt lonely and completely out of place with everything I'd ever done for the holidays, but we needed something different, and it was pretty great.

So you have my express permission to sit at your house, watch movies, make pancakes and do whatever else will make you feel secure. Anyone you wish to invite is welcome, but that is that.

Now I have to go make the same decision for our own family in OUR new house with OUR toddler. My advice: focus on what makes the holidays special for you and schedule a few activities that can happen no matter what, then use those as guideposts regardless of what the holiday season brings for you and those around you.
posted by St. Hubbins at 7:55 AM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


This is definitely the type of thing that builds upon itself, so this is the year to nip it in the bud. Your Dad is just as ill the other 364 days of the year, so your Mom has to understand that leaving the house for Christmas (unless she's barricaded herself in the home every single day) is no different than any other day. You've been with her for a couple of years now, so it's time to visit the MIL, or have everybody over to your house.

I've found it takes exactly one holiday of doing whatever the hell you want to in order to train your family to go along with it. When they can manipulate you into doing what they want, they tend to double down on that approach every subsequent year, but when you take the emotional charge out of it by saying, "We're going to have a nice Christmas at home, and of will see you another time/you can come see us/you have a Merry Christmas yourselves!" they suddenly find reserves of strength they never seemed to know they had when they could lean on you.
posted by xingcat at 7:57 AM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


Is your mother-in-law upset because she wants you to come to her house instead of her going to yours? Or is she just worried you're going to go to your mother's house again? If she lives quite close to you, inviting her to your house seems like it ought to meet her needs.

Does your mother never leave her house at all? If she feels trapped there, that's a bigger problem than what everyone will do for Christmas. If your siblings live closer to her, maybe you can encourage them to help her get set up with a security system (or get professional help to deal with her unrealistic fear, if you think it's unrealistic.) How will your father even know she's gone? I would think it would be sufficient to lock the doors and leave some lights on. If she usually has a car parked outside, maybe she could even leave her car there and rent one for the trip to your place.

If everyone who wants to be with you at Christmas is invited to visit you, you don't need to feel any guilt. You've come up with a solution that can work for everyone and they really have no good reason not to take you up on your offer. If your mother insists she can't leave her house, just tell her you think she can. Tell her how much you want her to visit. If your siblings pressure you to come to your mother's, pressure them to talk her out of her fear of leaving the house. Remind everyone of the difficulty of making a 5-hour drive with a toddler and the difficulty of having a toddler visit a house that isn't set up to be child-safe.
posted by Redstart at 8:01 AM on November 9, 2015


You have siblings -- I don't totally understand why your mother NEEDS you there other than for emotional support, which you have provided the last few years. It's your MIL's "turn." Your plans are clear. Tell MIL to stop crying and husband to stop hassling you, because you're staying in town and hosting at your house. They have "won," they get to bring no more drama.

BTW, I have a MIL who goes to pieces every Christmas with hr weeping and wailing and at this point it's pretty clear to me the goal is not actually to arrange Christmas to her liking, but to make me feel bad about whatever I do. We have ALSO invited people to our house, whole extended family both sides, and she's always got reasons why that won't work for her. I've stopped feeling guilty because she's gonna try to make me feel bad no matter what, so now I just please myself and shrug off her crazy.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:19 AM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


I have no idea what the right thing to do for you is. As an outsider, I would agree with the majority of responses here and say that now is the time to reiterate your offer to pay for everyone to come to your town, but you, as a family, are going to to celebrate Christmas there.

To me, the very fact that you are asking the question leads me to believe you know what is right vis a vis the "textbook" answer, but you somehow want to find a way to go the 5 hours. The only piece of advice I can give you here not knowing the background, history and complete details is that no matter what you do on Christmas, go to your mum's house or your Mum in law house, you will not solve whatever problem your father is causing, you will not solve the MIL grief on Christmas from her lost family member nor will you feel satisfied. This is a situation where the lesser of two evils comes into play and where the deal you struck with your husband should be strongly considered.

And fwiw, it sounds to me that going to your mum's will not be a celebration; sounds more like it is heading for a bitch fest.
posted by AugustWest at 8:32 AM on November 9, 2015


This is textbook emotional manipulation, and it's worked for them previous. Nip it in the bud this year. Stay firm, and in no uncertain terms state your intentions -- you'll be staying home with your MIL and they are more than welcome to come share the holiday with you.
posted by lock sock and barrel at 8:32 AM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


(Apart from the toddler, who is blissfully oblivious!)

The only way your toddler is going to remain blissfully oblivious is if you stay at your own house, away from DRAMZ. Invite Grandma MIL over.

If your siblings guilt you about not going, guilt them right back about "Think of what you're asking of my kid." Putting your toddler in the middle of that mess, and at Christmas? Lifelong memories of shitty drama, with yearly reminders? Forget it.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:44 AM on November 9, 2015 [15 favorites]


Ok, I didn't read all this, because too much emotion to process.

I am a HUGE advocate of taking care of YOUR mental health.

It sounds like this means arranging Christmas how YOU want it, which sounds like at home, with your husband and toddler. Hey, guess what? THAT'S OK. It is absolutely a-OK to choose YOUR nuclear family (which appears to be the opposite of family of origin, but I think that phrase should be family of choice) first above any and all else.

If you want your MIL there, great! Invite her! If you don't want somebody else there, great! Don't invite them!

It's ok to be a grownup and put on your oxygen mask first.

I know this sounds simplistic. YOU GET TO CHOOSE. As long as you're civil about it, forget other people. YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT. Got that? YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 8:54 AM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Seconding the idea to have a Christmas with your birth family on another day. Heck, it's what my own family is doing this year; my brother's family is going to be with his in-laws, and the rest of the extended family is also all doing the same thing, so my parents and I are going to do an "early Christmas" the week before and doing all of that hoo-ha that weekend.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:38 AM on November 9, 2015


Either take your mother-in-law to your parents' place, or invite her to your place along with (whoever cares to come in) your family.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:49 AM on November 9, 2015


This was a difficult switch for me when I was a new parent but you and your husband and your baby are the primary family unit now.

Your parents and your siblings and your husband's mother are all important (very important even!) members of your extended family and it's wonderful to spend time with them and accommodate their preferences when you can but if there's a conflict, it's absolutely ok to put your immediate family first. You're establishing your son's memories of what holidays are and building traditions.

If I were you, I'd spend Christmas Eve and Christmas at home and invite mother in law to join you. Then I'd do Boxing Day at your mother's house. Maybe offer to provide a meal as incentive for your siblings to come over.
posted by betsybetsy at 10:27 AM on November 9, 2015


Your siblings should be doing a better job of trying to defray this for you. Why they're pressuring you instead of saying, "Catseye, we've got this, you just had a baby." is beyond me.

Stay at home. If your family is truly worried about what Dad will do, they should have changed the locks and added security long ago. They are prolonging this drama. Offer to be part of a reasonable solution- alarms system and locks changed- or bow out while they drive each other bonkers.
posted by TenaciousB at 10:37 AM on November 9, 2015


Honestly, for the sake of your husband, I would stick to your promise of one Christmas, only one, at your mother in law's place (why is she crying at having to celebrate at your place, btw? Or am I misunderstanding something?)
I feel pretty strongly about promises, particularly postponed ones. After that, I'd host at home.
Unless you feel really sick inside at the prospect and will hate every minute of it or something.
posted by Omnomnom at 10:58 AM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Here's another point and/or option: I've found that the most fraught situations occur when we're in my parents' house, not my own. Maybe an alternative holiday gathering can happen at a place that is not their house -- and maybe not even your house.

After a previous year of particularly clueless behavior by my then-in-laws, we ended up getting together at an indoor waterpark resort at the end of January. The grandkids had a great time, we had some nice dinners and brunches together, and nobody had to cook or clean. We didn't even have to pay, as the elders included it in their gift that year.
posted by St. Hubbins at 11:01 AM on November 9, 2015


Response by poster: Thank you all. I am doing lots of thinking.

I am unsure of the likelihood of my dad actually entering/doing anything with the house, but it is definitely non-zero. It isn't possible to change the locks or put any other security provisions in place because, until the divorce is final and they have agreed on splitting assets etc., he still owns it and therefore has the right to enter if he wants. (This has been checked with a lawyer.)

Travelling any distance around Christmas is something I'm hoping to avoid - we don't drive so it means hours on a train.

Honestly I think it would be better for my side of the family to not have Christmas in the usual place just so it's less tense and filled with memories! But I appear to be alone in this.
posted by Catseye at 11:05 AM on November 9, 2015


Given your update, I'm wondering if it's at all possible if you have a Jewish or otherwise non-Christmas-celebrating friend (or could go on the British equivalent of Craigslist to hire someone?) who would be willing to house sit over the Christmas holiday while your mom travels for a day or two to visit you? This seems like it would keep the house secure while also allowing your mom some freedom of movement. Could be money well spent.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:11 AM on November 9, 2015


I get you wanting to help your mom, but this is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Christmas is at your house this year. She can stay with you or at a hotel. If she wants to stay at home then your siblings can keep her company. The locks situation is years in the making and your mom has to find her peace somehow. You're already way too entangled. Stop letting yourself be manipulated.
posted by pintapicasso at 12:04 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I think you should make your decision now and communicate it very firmly to your mom and siblings and MIL. And don't cave to pressure to change your plans. Given the situation, I don't see why going to your mom's is even on the table? She has your siblings there for support, and you've promised your MIL you'd have Christmas with her. Furthermore, you've said you want to celebrate Christmas at your own home. I agree with the assessment above that this is emotional blackmail, where everyone is crying and trying to make you responsible for their happiness. You can't make everyone happy, nor is it your responsibility to. For your own happiness I'd read up on codependence, and try to establish some firmer boundaries. It's a great thing to model for your child, too.
posted by JenMarie at 12:47 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


You're either going to upset your family (mom and siblings) or your husband's family (mother-in-law) if you have Christmas together. I am not married and the fact that you now have a child is certainly an additional factor, but I've never understood why couples absolutely need to spend Christmas together when it comes at the price of not seeing family they never see. You and your husband live together, right? You see each other everyday, but you rarely see your siblings? We're going through this with my brother, and we would never say it, but we find it upsetting that he is now starting to skip the holidays with us when he never sees us to go hang out with his girlfriend's family. You're married and you have a kid, so not the same thing, but I wouldn't necessarily take separate Christmases off the table forever. You could maybe have a separate Christmas with your husband and child. Because of cheating, divorce and various family awkwardness, my family has a few family gatherings for Christmas and our largest one normally takes place on the 23rd, where we exchange gifts with select extended family and it's generally the best "Christmas" we have. Our normal protocol (up until this year, it seems) is that my siblings and I split up on Christmas Day for differing family obligations, but are together on the 23rd and Christmas Eve.

All of that being said, it's not as if you are an only child and you do have other siblings who will be around to take care of your mom. If you just really want to stay home and stay with your husband and your child, I think they will get over it. If your mother wouldn't have anyone to come, I can see you taking all this on, but that's not the case, so maybe you get this Christmas off and when/if a similar situation arises with one of your siblings another time, you'll step in and make the trip. Make it clear to them you made a promise to your husband and mother-in-law, and you hope you can return the favor of taking care of your mom on Christmas in the future. After this, maybe you can explore options to deal with your father, because that really seems to be the crux of the problems here.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:51 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Travelling any distance around Christmas is something I'm hoping to avoid - we don't drive so it means hours on a train.

You have a toddler! That's a universally perfect reason to not travel 5 hours, or even one hour, and especially not over the holidays. A reasonable person would understand when you say, "We're staying home for the holidays. It's too difficult to travel with a toddler. "
The situation with your dad sounds difficult. I'm sorry that your mother is going through such a sad, strange end to her marriage. I have no idea what she thinks you should do about it. And your siblings shouldn't be guilt tripping you (do you think they're jealous because they don't feel empowered enough to skip the family Christmas?) Your words are that your husband begged you to go to his mom's house this year. Why are you not giving that more weight? And does he know you want to stay home? If he wants to be at his family home on Christmas day because it holds special memories for him and he wants to share that with you and child, then that would be my top choice. Because he has traveled with you the past two years and endured what sounds like a drama-filled holiday. But if he just hasn't considered that staying at home is an option - if he's ALSO being guilted into going to his mom's house- then you two should talk about that. Frankly, the MIL crying when you called her on Christmas made me raise my eyebrows. It's understandable if she's sad on the holidays, but if she was implying she was sad because of you, then that's ridiculous too. In that case, I would be talking to husband and making plans to start your new family holiday traditions. Together. At your place.
posted by areaperson at 1:33 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


You sound like a very compassionate person in an incredibly difficult situation. But, to be clear, it doesn't sound like spending Christmas with your mother will actually solve any of the (incredibly difficult!) problems she is struggling with, right? You have absolutely bent over backwards to accommodate your mother and siblings in your holiday plans; if they refuse to meet you halfway, I'm sure there are other ways you can show your love and compassion for her the other 364 days of the year without sacrificing your own family's happiness on Christmas.

Remember that the painful dissolution of your parents' relationship is no longer a "one-off crisis," but an ongoing sorrow that will take time for all of you to fully understand and cope with. It will likely last years and years, and can't be solved by a once-a-year (very significant, very painful) sacrifice on the part of you and your husband. It is unreasonable of your mother and siblings to keep asking for this sacrifice, but if they are not generally unreasonable people then surely the request comes out of their own immediate pain, and some time from now when the dust has settled they will respect your decision to prioritize your Christmas with your own husband and child.
posted by Owl of Athena at 4:54 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh and I just wanted to add, as someone who grew up with a parent who was both mentally ill and abusive - it must be so confusing and horrible to have to deal with a parent's late-in-life shift to this kind of behavior. I can't even imagine. My sincere sympathies to you. Please know above all that you have nothing to feel guilty about, whatever you decide; you are caught in an impossible and illogical situation not of your own making.
posted by Owl of Athena at 5:09 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


You are looking at this as choosing between two families, and that's not where your head should be. Most new little families have this issue around the holidays, and as a grandmother, I can tell you that I've seen every variation. In my experience, this is what works best, no matter what the circumstances....

You tell ALL family members that your child deserves to spend his Christmases in his/her own home. Not on the road, traveling five hours! Not with your MIL. In his/her own home. So from here on out, every single Christmas will be spent at your home. Any and all are invited to join you, and you will help make whatever arrangements required to make that happen. And there will be NO HARD FEELINGS toward anyone who can't join you. You will miss them! But your new family will spend Christmas at home from now on. Period.

And you just keep repeating that firmly to anyone who tries to pressure you. Practice in the mirror if you need to. "Baby Catseye deserves to have Christmas memories at home and I need to focus on that. You are welcome to join us. If you can't make it, we will miss you!" If needed, add "I have already allowed my dad's illness to take that away from my child, and I have a responsibility to not let that happen again."

Repeat. Over and over and over.
posted by raisingsand at 8:30 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Your father isn't going to change anytime soon; go to your MIL's house this year. You're not responsible for your father: your mother is. It's up to her to get him medical help or not. Let go of your father's health. You have enough on your plate.

Next year, tell everyone, "We're staying home. Come visit us if you'd like; there's a motel 6 nearby if you don't fit in our house. We'll pay."
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:45 AM on November 10, 2015


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