Time for a Life Reboot. Should I do this? How do I do this?
November 8, 2015 4:38 PM Subscribe
My fiance/partner of 8 years broke up with me a few months ago and it is definitely over. I am trying to decide how to proceed in starting my life over. I am seriously considering moving out of state. It is difficult because I have OCD and anxiety and ADHD etc. Simply put, I have a hard time making any decisions. I'll spend weeks researching which cell phone to get. When I am faced with a decision of this enormity, it is almost unbearable. I am terrified of making a decision that I will regret. Details inside.
I have been unhappy for years and have tried everything that I can to fix it (medication, therapy, meditation, lifestyle changes etc). Now that my Girlfriend dumped me, I have nothing keeping me "here". I have been in a huge rut for years and definitely need to shake things up. You know the old adage, "do what you've always done and get what you've always gotten". I know that in order to be happy and healthy, that I have to start building something. I can't do that until I know where I am going to be living. I want to volunteer, make friends etc. I am seeing a therapist now (I know that'll get suggested) but I just want some feedback from the hive.
The reason that I am considering moving is that my Family is down south. I don't want to move to a place where I don't know anyone. I don't know if moving will be the best thing I've ever done or the stupidest. I hate change but maybe I need it. My Family is in Charlotte. I live in the Hudson Valley NY. I love this area but hate the winters. I also hate my job. I am a Retail Manager and make 55k a year but April-September I work 55-70 hours a week so I only have a small window during the year to enjoy the outdoors. My job is also very stressful. I have no friends or anything else in this area except my Mother (who is moving to NC to be with the rest of my Family). There is nothing keeping me here. My Girlfriend and I had similar sensibilities as far as Art and Culture. This area and the proximity to NYC was awesome. We would go to tons of concerts and museums in NYC. That will be one of the biggest things with moving....seeing all these awesome shows come across social media that I can't go to. it makes me sad because I love the Hudson River, the Mountains and the cool places (indie movie theater) all 20 minutes from my house. I love the Jersey Beaches. I just don't see how I can start fresh here. Everything reminds me of her and I hate the winter. The cost of living is so expensive and the odds of me finding another job that pays what mine does are slim.
So basically, what would keep me here would be familiarity, my income and the "culture" and surroundings.
The things that make me want to move are: less severe winters, bigger city – which theoretically would statistically mean more possibly more potential dates and jobs and friends etc. Being with my Family. Also being away from all of the reminders of "us". All the restauarunts and places we would go and things we'd do together. I am reminded of her 50 times a day.
I am paranoid that I am going to quit my job, move down there, and not be able to find a decent job. As unhappy as I am now, I don't want to end up in a position where in a month I am worse. I am afraid that I won't be able to find a job as good as mine and feel like a loser and not be able to afford to live. I am also paranoid about it being too hot and not liking the culture etc. Not having cool concerts and such to go to. I know that they have stuff down there, but it isn't NYC.
I have done a bunch of research but everything is so subjective. I hate the humidity and don't want to be hot all the time. I love hoodie weather. My Brother tells me it isn't hot down there (he's been there 2 years) but all my research says that it is.
The prospect of starting everything from scratch is daunting. I was settled in my job. I was with a woman that I loved. Everything that I invested everything that I had in has to be started all over. I'm going to be 37 years old too. The prospect of having a crappy job and sleeping on my Brothers couch is a real possibility. I don't want to be starting my life at 40.
I know that it is probably natural, but I also am sad to leave the only home I'm ever known. I have so many good memories here too. I’ve spent my entire life here. My relationship. My Dad (who passed away). I almost feel that leaving here is leaving me beyond....like I am losing my identity. Silly I know. Also, I am reading a novel now that is set in NYC and it makes me sad. I see NYC on TV and it makes me sad. The fact that I'll never see my ex again makes me sad.
The people that I talk to say "you can always move back". I don't wanna to move back and forth and I just want to be settled. I also wouldn't be able to move back and afford to live. This area is so expensive and the job market sucks. I regularly receive resumes from people that are more qualified than me for $14 hour positions. I have the feeling that if I moved, it'd be for good.
To top it off, the Holidays are probably the worst time to move and look for a job…..at the same time, the thoughts of staying here are depressing
I KNOW THAT YOU CAN NEVER TRULY KNOW, BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO MAKE SUCH A MAJOR MOVE?
I have been unhappy for years and have tried everything that I can to fix it (medication, therapy, meditation, lifestyle changes etc). Now that my Girlfriend dumped me, I have nothing keeping me "here". I have been in a huge rut for years and definitely need to shake things up. You know the old adage, "do what you've always done and get what you've always gotten". I know that in order to be happy and healthy, that I have to start building something. I can't do that until I know where I am going to be living. I want to volunteer, make friends etc. I am seeing a therapist now (I know that'll get suggested) but I just want some feedback from the hive.
The reason that I am considering moving is that my Family is down south. I don't want to move to a place where I don't know anyone. I don't know if moving will be the best thing I've ever done or the stupidest. I hate change but maybe I need it. My Family is in Charlotte. I live in the Hudson Valley NY. I love this area but hate the winters. I also hate my job. I am a Retail Manager and make 55k a year but April-September I work 55-70 hours a week so I only have a small window during the year to enjoy the outdoors. My job is also very stressful. I have no friends or anything else in this area except my Mother (who is moving to NC to be with the rest of my Family). There is nothing keeping me here. My Girlfriend and I had similar sensibilities as far as Art and Culture. This area and the proximity to NYC was awesome. We would go to tons of concerts and museums in NYC. That will be one of the biggest things with moving....seeing all these awesome shows come across social media that I can't go to. it makes me sad because I love the Hudson River, the Mountains and the cool places (indie movie theater) all 20 minutes from my house. I love the Jersey Beaches. I just don't see how I can start fresh here. Everything reminds me of her and I hate the winter. The cost of living is so expensive and the odds of me finding another job that pays what mine does are slim.
So basically, what would keep me here would be familiarity, my income and the "culture" and surroundings.
The things that make me want to move are: less severe winters, bigger city – which theoretically would statistically mean more possibly more potential dates and jobs and friends etc. Being with my Family. Also being away from all of the reminders of "us". All the restauarunts and places we would go and things we'd do together. I am reminded of her 50 times a day.
I am paranoid that I am going to quit my job, move down there, and not be able to find a decent job. As unhappy as I am now, I don't want to end up in a position where in a month I am worse. I am afraid that I won't be able to find a job as good as mine and feel like a loser and not be able to afford to live. I am also paranoid about it being too hot and not liking the culture etc. Not having cool concerts and such to go to. I know that they have stuff down there, but it isn't NYC.
I have done a bunch of research but everything is so subjective. I hate the humidity and don't want to be hot all the time. I love hoodie weather. My Brother tells me it isn't hot down there (he's been there 2 years) but all my research says that it is.
The prospect of starting everything from scratch is daunting. I was settled in my job. I was with a woman that I loved. Everything that I invested everything that I had in has to be started all over. I'm going to be 37 years old too. The prospect of having a crappy job and sleeping on my Brothers couch is a real possibility. I don't want to be starting my life at 40.
I know that it is probably natural, but I also am sad to leave the only home I'm ever known. I have so many good memories here too. I’ve spent my entire life here. My relationship. My Dad (who passed away). I almost feel that leaving here is leaving me beyond....like I am losing my identity. Silly I know. Also, I am reading a novel now that is set in NYC and it makes me sad. I see NYC on TV and it makes me sad. The fact that I'll never see my ex again makes me sad.
The people that I talk to say "you can always move back". I don't wanna to move back and forth and I just want to be settled. I also wouldn't be able to move back and afford to live. This area is so expensive and the job market sucks. I regularly receive resumes from people that are more qualified than me for $14 hour positions. I have the feeling that if I moved, it'd be for good.
To top it off, the Holidays are probably the worst time to move and look for a job…..at the same time, the thoughts of staying here are depressing
I KNOW THAT YOU CAN NEVER TRULY KNOW, BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO MAKE SUCH A MAJOR MOVE?
I KNOW THAT YOU CAN NEVER TRULY KNOW, BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO MAKE SUCH A MAJOR MOVE?
There's a lot to unpack here, but to get to your central question: I would not make a major move when you are still reeling from the breakup of your relationship.
It sounds like a major motivation for this move is that everything reminds you of her, but I don't think that will go away just because you move. Maybe it will help a bit, but you'll still be reminded of her when you hear a particular song, see a favorite TV show, think of a funny joke, etc, etc. That's just one of those things about suffering a major loss, and I feel like time is really the only thing that will make that part easier.
I'm not saying you shouldn't make this move. I'm just saying you shouldn't do this yet.
I know that in order to be happy and healthy, that I have to start building something. I can't do that until I know where I am going to be living. I want to volunteer, make friends et
You actually can start doing these things, even if you do end up moving in 6 months or a year. Focus on doing things that will make you happy in the short term. (I know, easier said than done, but still.) If it helps, think about this as another part of the decision making process. See if you can find enough friends or volunteer opportunities or whatever that would make it worth staying in NY. If you don't, well, that will make the decision to move easier. And if it turns out you can fill your life with enough good things in NY, then you don't have to move.
Also, if you do decide to move, find a job first if at all possible. You can even use a family member's address on your resume to make it seem like you're more "local" but I would really recommend not moving unless you have a job already.
posted by litera scripta manet at 4:53 PM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
There's a lot to unpack here, but to get to your central question: I would not make a major move when you are still reeling from the breakup of your relationship.
It sounds like a major motivation for this move is that everything reminds you of her, but I don't think that will go away just because you move. Maybe it will help a bit, but you'll still be reminded of her when you hear a particular song, see a favorite TV show, think of a funny joke, etc, etc. That's just one of those things about suffering a major loss, and I feel like time is really the only thing that will make that part easier.
I'm not saying you shouldn't make this move. I'm just saying you shouldn't do this yet.
I know that in order to be happy and healthy, that I have to start building something. I can't do that until I know where I am going to be living. I want to volunteer, make friends et
You actually can start doing these things, even if you do end up moving in 6 months or a year. Focus on doing things that will make you happy in the short term. (I know, easier said than done, but still.) If it helps, think about this as another part of the decision making process. See if you can find enough friends or volunteer opportunities or whatever that would make it worth staying in NY. If you don't, well, that will make the decision to move easier. And if it turns out you can fill your life with enough good things in NY, then you don't have to move.
Also, if you do decide to move, find a job first if at all possible. You can even use a family member's address on your resume to make it seem like you're more "local" but I would really recommend not moving unless you have a job already.
posted by litera scripta manet at 4:53 PM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
I've made big moves a few times, to places I knew no one, most recently to a place where my job prospects are limited. It was hard but for me it was totally worth it because I reallyreallyreally wanted to make the move and reallyreallyreally wanted to be in that place. I definitely paid the price in terms of pay, job availability and job security, and my finances still haven't recovered. That's a pretty big trade-off, and that's with me loving where I am. It doesn't sound like you're crazy about your potential new place, just wanting to escape your old place, so for you the cost of moving might be way too high.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 4:58 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by bighappyhairydog at 4:58 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Agreed that it sounds like you should wait a while before moving. Visit, start looking for a job, see how you feel in a few months.
I also have a tendency to want to fix everything.right.now. But big choices are best made when it's something you've consistently wanted for months or years. Try some smaller, low stakes changes and see what works.
posted by momus_window at 5:06 PM on November 8, 2015
I also have a tendency to want to fix everything.right.now. But big choices are best made when it's something you've consistently wanted for months or years. Try some smaller, low stakes changes and see what works.
posted by momus_window at 5:06 PM on November 8, 2015
You've asked this same question a few times. What didn't help you make this decision the last few rounds?
I know moving can be tough.
posted by sweetkid at 5:12 PM on November 8, 2015 [13 favorites]
I know moving can be tough.
posted by sweetkid at 5:12 PM on November 8, 2015 [13 favorites]
I don't think moving will fix anything, because it won't erase your heartbreak--sure, it might seem like it will because you won't have physical reminders everywhere, but grief has a way of latching on to any old thing.
Fundamentally I think you are in a mindset where nothing will be "right," because you are still mourning a thing that has passed and nothing will be that thing. You are not yet at the stage of grief where you fully understand that other things will still be wonderful, even though they will not be that thing. They say not to make big changes for a year after a major trauma, and they don't just say that to be jerks--it's because changes and choices you make in that major grief mindset probably won't be great ones for the person you'll eventually become as you recover.
Stay put. You can't outrun this. You're gonna have to live through it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 5:14 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Fundamentally I think you are in a mindset where nothing will be "right," because you are still mourning a thing that has passed and nothing will be that thing. You are not yet at the stage of grief where you fully understand that other things will still be wonderful, even though they will not be that thing. They say not to make big changes for a year after a major trauma, and they don't just say that to be jerks--it's because changes and choices you make in that major grief mindset probably won't be great ones for the person you'll eventually become as you recover.
Stay put. You can't outrun this. You're gonna have to live through it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 5:14 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I also noticed that you've posted a variation on this question a few times now. To me, that indicates that you simply aren't ready to make a decision yet, and I think that's okay. That doesn't mean that you won't ultimately move; it just means that you're not in a place to make the decision either way.
My ex broke up with me almost exactly a year ago. We had been together for almost three years and lived together. Two months after we broke up, my father, who lives in my hometown 400 miles away, had a major stroke. Between the break-up and what happened with my dad, my first inclination was to leave the city that I live in ASAP. I had been here for 10 years and it seemed like it was time to go.
I played with the idea on and off this whole year. I got as far as looking at apartments and jobs, but then I would give up on the idea because I didn't want to make a rash decision just to escape what had happened with my ex and to use what happened to my dad as an excuse.
I finally felt ready to make the decision a few weeks ago. I am moving back to my hometown at the end of the month. The timing was finally right - I got a new job that allows me to work from anywhere, I've saved some money, and my dad is doing better.
It isn't time for you to make the decision yet. One of my favorite quotes is from Rainer Maria Rilke: "Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."
posted by anotheraccount at 5:19 PM on November 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
My ex broke up with me almost exactly a year ago. We had been together for almost three years and lived together. Two months after we broke up, my father, who lives in my hometown 400 miles away, had a major stroke. Between the break-up and what happened with my dad, my first inclination was to leave the city that I live in ASAP. I had been here for 10 years and it seemed like it was time to go.
I played with the idea on and off this whole year. I got as far as looking at apartments and jobs, but then I would give up on the idea because I didn't want to make a rash decision just to escape what had happened with my ex and to use what happened to my dad as an excuse.
I finally felt ready to make the decision a few weeks ago. I am moving back to my hometown at the end of the month. The timing was finally right - I got a new job that allows me to work from anywhere, I've saved some money, and my dad is doing better.
It isn't time for you to make the decision yet. One of my favorite quotes is from Rainer Maria Rilke: "Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."
posted by anotheraccount at 5:19 PM on November 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
A couple of years ago my relationship of 18 years ended suddenly. I was 37, and I had the same "it's time for a change" experience that you describe here. I spent a year looking at apartments and jobs, and getting my life in order enough to transplant, and then I moved from Vancouver, BC to Seattle WA.
For me the change has been amazing, and I haven't been as happy and just present in my life as I am right now in literally a decade if not more. Shaking up my life was the absolute best decision I could have made, and I have friends here now and a new awesome relationship.
That being said, it wouldn't have gone as well if I hadn't taken that year to prepare myself and my life. I spent that time slowly organizing and downsizing my stuff, working out regularly, learning new hobbies, and preparing my resume and getting in some last minute career building, not to mention researching Seattle.
So I guess what I'm saying is that your plan to shake things up and use this as an opportunity for growth and change can totally work, but I don't think you can just transplant your current self there with the same effect. Take the time to prepare yourself, to be nice to yourself and learn what makes you happy, THEN start fresh in a new city.
posted by jess at 5:28 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
For me the change has been amazing, and I haven't been as happy and just present in my life as I am right now in literally a decade if not more. Shaking up my life was the absolute best decision I could have made, and I have friends here now and a new awesome relationship.
That being said, it wouldn't have gone as well if I hadn't taken that year to prepare myself and my life. I spent that time slowly organizing and downsizing my stuff, working out regularly, learning new hobbies, and preparing my resume and getting in some last minute career building, not to mention researching Seattle.
So I guess what I'm saying is that your plan to shake things up and use this as an opportunity for growth and change can totally work, but I don't think you can just transplant your current self there with the same effect. Take the time to prepare yourself, to be nice to yourself and learn what makes you happy, THEN start fresh in a new city.
posted by jess at 5:28 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
What's the least notice you can give your current job for a day off/long weekend?
If that is hard, start negotiating for some regular 3 day weekends, maybe one a fortnight.
Then, start applying for jobs in Charlotte. CV objective? "To move closer to my family in Charlotte, etc". Let them know the day you can come in for an interview.
Arrange to visit Charlotte for the interviews you have lined up.
If you get an offer for a job that YOU want to do, THEN think about whether you want to move to Charlotte, because you'll actually be comparing against working environment.
That's right, start interviewing before you are sure, because you don't have to accept a job offer if you decide you don't want it.
Take a look at OKCupid, fill out the quizzes, see how much friend and relationship potential there is in the new area (it's not a bad way of getting a gauge of interests/personalities attracted to certain areas).
Don't go until/unless you're actually feeling excited about making the move. But those steps above? Doable.
posted by Elysum at 5:36 PM on November 8, 2015
If that is hard, start negotiating for some regular 3 day weekends, maybe one a fortnight.
Then, start applying for jobs in Charlotte. CV objective? "To move closer to my family in Charlotte, etc". Let them know the day you can come in for an interview.
Arrange to visit Charlotte for the interviews you have lined up.
If you get an offer for a job that YOU want to do, THEN think about whether you want to move to Charlotte, because you'll actually be comparing against working environment.
That's right, start interviewing before you are sure, because you don't have to accept a job offer if you decide you don't want it.
Take a look at OKCupid, fill out the quizzes, see how much friend and relationship potential there is in the new area (it's not a bad way of getting a gauge of interests/personalities attracted to certain areas).
Don't go until/unless you're actually feeling excited about making the move. But those steps above? Doable.
posted by Elysum at 5:36 PM on November 8, 2015
I did this recently, not because of a breakup but because it was logical and the new place would give me more of a chance to succeed at various goals. I really miss the city I left. I can't look at pictures, I can't read about it, remembering things I did there and people I knew is painful. I also feel that a part of my identity was tied up in that location.
It can really be a mixed bag. Think about what's most important to you long-term and where you might achieve what you hope to do.
That said, I'd warn against a "geographic cure." Will your sadness and discomfort be mitigated by moving somewhere else, or will you still feel the same way? Sometimes it's better to stay put and work through your feelings because moving won't solve anything.
Can you move to a different apartment or neighborhood? Try different restaurants and museums and shows. You can build a new life where you are if you really want to stay.
When do you make a major move? When the pros outweigh the cons.
posted by bendy at 5:43 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
It can really be a mixed bag. Think about what's most important to you long-term and where you might achieve what you hope to do.
That said, I'd warn against a "geographic cure." Will your sadness and discomfort be mitigated by moving somewhere else, or will you still feel the same way? Sometimes it's better to stay put and work through your feelings because moving won't solve anything.
Can you move to a different apartment or neighborhood? Try different restaurants and museums and shows. You can build a new life where you are if you really want to stay.
When do you make a major move? When the pros outweigh the cons.
posted by bendy at 5:43 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: The biggest thing now is that I have NOTHING and I need to start building something to feel better.
There is no point in moving to another apartment or dating or making friends if I am just going to end up moving.
RE: the job - everyone in the employment field says to move to look for a job....that looking from out of state is a joke
posted by kbbbo at 6:15 PM on November 8, 2015
There is no point in moving to another apartment or dating or making friends if I am just going to end up moving.
RE: the job - everyone in the employment field says to move to look for a job....that looking from out of state is a joke
posted by kbbbo at 6:15 PM on November 8, 2015
There is no point in moving to another apartment or dating or making friends if I am just going to end up moving.
This is anxiety talking. I know someone who did this years ago because they were "moving to California" from New York. They didn't even move from their parents house for years because they were "moving to CA", why bother.
This person still lives in NY. This was 2006.
You need friends and dating and work. Don't wait on that stuff. It'll make you feel better.
posted by sweetkid at 6:24 PM on November 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
This is anxiety talking. I know someone who did this years ago because they were "moving to California" from New York. They didn't even move from their parents house for years because they were "moving to CA", why bother.
This person still lives in NY. This was 2006.
You need friends and dating and work. Don't wait on that stuff. It'll make you feel better.
posted by sweetkid at 6:24 PM on November 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
How about you save up some money, then quit, then move to Charlotte and apply for jobs? Your retail experience will translate.
posted by k8t at 6:48 PM on November 8, 2015
posted by k8t at 6:48 PM on November 8, 2015
The statement "I have NOTHING" kind of screams "cognitive distortion" to me.
Therefore, I suggest you make a firm commitment that you will not be moving for at least one calendar year - if you make that decision, will you be willing to consider making some smaller and more realistic changes, like getting a different apartment?
By the way, making friends where you are now isn't the least bit incongruent with moving. I have friends in many different parts of the US and even the world, some of whom I made very shortly before either I or they moved far away. Having friends who live five states away is better than having no friends.
posted by SMPA at 6:51 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Therefore, I suggest you make a firm commitment that you will not be moving for at least one calendar year - if you make that decision, will you be willing to consider making some smaller and more realistic changes, like getting a different apartment?
By the way, making friends where you are now isn't the least bit incongruent with moving. I have friends in many different parts of the US and even the world, some of whom I made very shortly before either I or they moved far away. Having friends who live five states away is better than having no friends.
posted by SMPA at 6:51 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
You have a bad case of "yes, but..." I want to go but I can't go because.... I want to stay but I can't stay because..." This makes sense - you are depressed, anxious, OCD, ADHD and most of all you just lost an 8 year relationship IN SEPTEMBER. barely eight week to recover your balance from losing an eight year relationship. Even without the other stuff, it would be normal to be in a bad place.
So,I'm going to offer advice. (Which of course, you are free to argue with)
1. You emotionally paralyzed and you are not ready to move now. Admit reality and stop thinking you should move tomorrow.
2. This does not mean that you shouldn't move - just that you need to give it more time
3. It is not true that you have nothing where you are. You have a job. You have the mountains. You have all those things that you just told us you are going to miss. Appreciate them now while you still have them!
4. Because you might move eventually (even soonish) doesn't mean you can't start anything now. You just need make appropriate choices. If you have the chance to do a 2 month home stay in a fascinating exotic country, you wouldn't say "I can't meet anyone or do anything, I'm only here for two months" No - you would make an effort to get out, meets lots of locals, have lots of adventures and take advantage of the time you are there. The biggest obstacle is not the time limit, it is the depression.
5. Give yourself a realistic time frame: this much time to get ready, this much time to look for a job long distance, this much time to make a final decision. So you might say, the best time to look of a job is spring. So, I'm giving myself three months to find out more about the new place and to enjoy the current one, then I will start a long distance job hunt in March. If I get an offer, I can decide then if I really want to take that particular job AND move. If I don't find something by June I will then decide if I want to stay here and quit looking or move without a job.
This means that anything that would be worth doing if you had three - six month to do it you should definitely start. It is OK to sign up for 10 week class that starts in January. It is OK to do some casual dating for fun, as long as you let them know you aren't available for long term commitments. Don't do things that would require a five year payback - do things that are worth doing for themselves, even if you just do it once a few times. Again, this is HARD because you are struggling with depression etc, but that is part of what you are working on right now, no matter where you live. So keep trying!! But don't force yourself to make a long term decision right now. Instead decide on the next couple of steps and let the final decision take care of itself when it is the right time.
So this is so long - hope it is helpful in some small way even if you can't use my specific ideas
posted by metahawk at 7:12 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
So,I'm going to offer advice. (Which of course, you are free to argue with)
1. You emotionally paralyzed and you are not ready to move now. Admit reality and stop thinking you should move tomorrow.
2. This does not mean that you shouldn't move - just that you need to give it more time
3. It is not true that you have nothing where you are. You have a job. You have the mountains. You have all those things that you just told us you are going to miss. Appreciate them now while you still have them!
4. Because you might move eventually (even soonish) doesn't mean you can't start anything now. You just need make appropriate choices. If you have the chance to do a 2 month home stay in a fascinating exotic country, you wouldn't say "I can't meet anyone or do anything, I'm only here for two months" No - you would make an effort to get out, meets lots of locals, have lots of adventures and take advantage of the time you are there. The biggest obstacle is not the time limit, it is the depression.
5. Give yourself a realistic time frame: this much time to get ready, this much time to look for a job long distance, this much time to make a final decision. So you might say, the best time to look of a job is spring. So, I'm giving myself three months to find out more about the new place and to enjoy the current one, then I will start a long distance job hunt in March. If I get an offer, I can decide then if I really want to take that particular job AND move. If I don't find something by June I will then decide if I want to stay here and quit looking or move without a job.
This means that anything that would be worth doing if you had three - six month to do it you should definitely start. It is OK to sign up for 10 week class that starts in January. It is OK to do some casual dating for fun, as long as you let them know you aren't available for long term commitments. Don't do things that would require a five year payback - do things that are worth doing for themselves, even if you just do it once a few times. Again, this is HARD because you are struggling with depression etc, but that is part of what you are working on right now, no matter where you live. So keep trying!! But don't force yourself to make a long term decision right now. Instead decide on the next couple of steps and let the final decision take care of itself when it is the right time.
So this is so long - hope it is helpful in some small way even if you can't use my specific ideas
posted by metahawk at 7:12 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
There is no point in moving to another apartment or dating or making friends if I am just going to end up moving.
This is where you need to decide whether or not you're moving. "If I am just going to end up moving" implies indecision. Do you want to rebuild your life where you are or do you want to start over completely?
The advice to move before you look for a job seems a bit outdated. You may have to visit the city for a few days to go to an in-person interview, or figure out how to do it on Skype, but maybe you only need to move if you find a job that's worth moving for. You can also be looking for jobs where you are now.
You have 100% agency over your own life. If you make the decision to move then your job hunt becomes more focussed. If you make the decision to stay then your job hunt becomes more focussed. Decisions are hard but finally making them is a HUGE relief.
You may make a "wrong" decision, but it's not the end of the world. We learn from our mistakes. Every stupid sucky job I've ever had has strengthened my knowledge of what I need and want in a job. Even if you wind up in the wrong place for the next year or so, you will learn more about what you don't want. If you're in the wrong place it's not a failure it's just something you tried that didn't turn out the way you hoped it would.
RE: fear of failure. So, you fail. What's the worst that could happen?
posted by bendy at 8:16 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is where you need to decide whether or not you're moving. "If I am just going to end up moving" implies indecision. Do you want to rebuild your life where you are or do you want to start over completely?
The advice to move before you look for a job seems a bit outdated. You may have to visit the city for a few days to go to an in-person interview, or figure out how to do it on Skype, but maybe you only need to move if you find a job that's worth moving for. You can also be looking for jobs where you are now.
You have 100% agency over your own life. If you make the decision to move then your job hunt becomes more focussed. If you make the decision to stay then your job hunt becomes more focussed. Decisions are hard but finally making them is a HUGE relief.
You may make a "wrong" decision, but it's not the end of the world. We learn from our mistakes. Every stupid sucky job I've ever had has strengthened my knowledge of what I need and want in a job. Even if you wind up in the wrong place for the next year or so, you will learn more about what you don't want. If you're in the wrong place it's not a failure it's just something you tried that didn't turn out the way you hoped it would.
RE: fear of failure. So, you fail. What's the worst that could happen?
posted by bendy at 8:16 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Some thoughts:
1. The harder a decision is to make, the less important it is what you decide. If a decision is hard it's because the pros and cons are pretty equally balanced and/or because the outcomes of the different choices are too hard to predict. In a situation like that, no amount of agonizing over it is going to help. It just isn't possible to know which choice will turn out better. And probably if you could look ahead and see how your life turned out with each choice it would turn out that neither choice was clearly better. So it doesn't matter what choice you make. You might as well just flip a coin. (And if you try a coin flip and you're disappointed in the outcome, I suggest you go ahead and do what you now realize you really wanted all along.)
2. When you're deciding between doing something different and staying with the status quo, I think it makes sense to lean towards the new and different choice. Trying new things makes your life richer and more interesting and teaches you new things about the world and about yourself. Even if you don't like where you end up, you will have had new experiences and learned more about what makes you happy.
3. If you try Charlotte and don't like it and it doesn't seem feasible to move back to the Hudson Valley, you have a lot of other options. Those are not the only two places you could possibly live.
posted by Redstart at 9:29 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
1. The harder a decision is to make, the less important it is what you decide. If a decision is hard it's because the pros and cons are pretty equally balanced and/or because the outcomes of the different choices are too hard to predict. In a situation like that, no amount of agonizing over it is going to help. It just isn't possible to know which choice will turn out better. And probably if you could look ahead and see how your life turned out with each choice it would turn out that neither choice was clearly better. So it doesn't matter what choice you make. You might as well just flip a coin. (And if you try a coin flip and you're disappointed in the outcome, I suggest you go ahead and do what you now realize you really wanted all along.)
2. When you're deciding between doing something different and staying with the status quo, I think it makes sense to lean towards the new and different choice. Trying new things makes your life richer and more interesting and teaches you new things about the world and about yourself. Even if you don't like where you end up, you will have had new experiences and learned more about what makes you happy.
3. If you try Charlotte and don't like it and it doesn't seem feasible to move back to the Hudson Valley, you have a lot of other options. Those are not the only two places you could possibly live.
posted by Redstart at 9:29 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
There is no point in moving to another apartment or dating or making friends if I am just going to end up moving
Sure there is! You are a person who deserves to have friends and a life that helps you heal from a really rough time. These things need not be put on hold for a decision you aren't sure about yet.
For me routine is very helpful when I an stressed. I'd pick a few things that I enjoy and just make a plan to do them on a regular schedule.
There is nothing like volunteering to help you get out. And also remember how much you have to give. Since you like theatre, for example, you could volunteer as an usher at a local theatre once or twice a month. Often comes with perks like seeing dress rehearsals, meeting others who love theatre. Having work experience like yours, a local arts group could probably use your skills coordinating some back of house... Organising volunteer duties and rosters, training younger volunteers who are looking to get service experience to be hired by people like you, for example, would be a big! Maybe you're not ready for that yet, but if your goal is a new job volunteering can help you revisit and reframe your skills.
A friend who recently divorced has really enjoyed a meet up group that is just people who want to try new things. People post ideas, then others in the group try it if they wish. He's meeting lots of new friends, trying out lots of things, and getting a fresh start every weekend with a (usually free or low cost activity).
Anyway, really, honestly, best of luck.
posted by chapps at 11:18 PM on November 8, 2015
Sure there is! You are a person who deserves to have friends and a life that helps you heal from a really rough time. These things need not be put on hold for a decision you aren't sure about yet.
For me routine is very helpful when I an stressed. I'd pick a few things that I enjoy and just make a plan to do them on a regular schedule.
There is nothing like volunteering to help you get out. And also remember how much you have to give. Since you like theatre, for example, you could volunteer as an usher at a local theatre once or twice a month. Often comes with perks like seeing dress rehearsals, meeting others who love theatre. Having work experience like yours, a local arts group could probably use your skills coordinating some back of house... Organising volunteer duties and rosters, training younger volunteers who are looking to get service experience to be hired by people like you, for example, would be a big! Maybe you're not ready for that yet, but if your goal is a new job volunteering can help you revisit and reframe your skills.
A friend who recently divorced has really enjoyed a meet up group that is just people who want to try new things. People post ideas, then others in the group try it if they wish. He's meeting lots of new friends, trying out lots of things, and getting a fresh start every weekend with a (usually free or low cost activity).
Anyway, really, honestly, best of luck.
posted by chapps at 11:18 PM on November 8, 2015
RE: the job - everyone in the employment field says to move to look for a job....that looking from out of state is a joke
You won't BE looking from out of state.
You'll be putting your brothers address in the CV, and explaining on the cover letter the particular day that you can come in for an interview.
I.e. the day that you are planning to go visit.
There is no reason not to start looking for a job now, at worst, it will be research for the job market you are moving into.
posted by Elysum at 1:52 AM on November 9, 2015
You won't BE looking from out of state.
You'll be putting your brothers address in the CV, and explaining on the cover letter the particular day that you can come in for an interview.
I.e. the day that you are planning to go visit.
There is no reason not to start looking for a job now, at worst, it will be research for the job market you are moving into.
posted by Elysum at 1:52 AM on November 9, 2015
There is no point in moving to another apartment or dating or making friends if I am just going to end up moving.
That's not the point; the point is that by moving to another apartment, dating, and making friends, you may find that you don't NEED to move. And you may find that if you DO move, the support of those friends and partners may make it easier in ways you cannot now currently imagine.
By the way, making friends where you are now isn't the least bit incongruent with moving. I have friends in many different parts of the US and even the world, some of whom I made very shortly before either I or they moved far away. Having friends who live five states away is better than having no friends.
This person is wise, listen to them. That thing where you're like, "I can't move anywhere, I only know people in one place and I don't like that place"? The way you solve that is by meeting other people who live (or will one day live) in other places.
Again, though, the only thing I really get from your post is just a deep grief over the loss of your relationship, which literally nothing will fix except time, introspection, making friends, and eventually dating again. The move is just a red herring.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:44 AM on November 9, 2015
That's not the point; the point is that by moving to another apartment, dating, and making friends, you may find that you don't NEED to move. And you may find that if you DO move, the support of those friends and partners may make it easier in ways you cannot now currently imagine.
By the way, making friends where you are now isn't the least bit incongruent with moving. I have friends in many different parts of the US and even the world, some of whom I made very shortly before either I or they moved far away. Having friends who live five states away is better than having no friends.
This person is wise, listen to them. That thing where you're like, "I can't move anywhere, I only know people in one place and I don't like that place"? The way you solve that is by meeting other people who live (or will one day live) in other places.
Again, though, the only thing I really get from your post is just a deep grief over the loss of your relationship, which literally nothing will fix except time, introspection, making friends, and eventually dating again. The move is just a red herring.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:44 AM on November 9, 2015
RE: the job - everyone in the employment field says to move to look for a job....that looking from out of state is a joke
This may be true in certain fields, but it is certainly not true in many, if not most of them.
Also, if you have family in the area where you are looking to possibly move, then you can absolutely use a family member's address on your cover letter/resume for sending out applications.
I have done the cross country move twice, but both times I had jobs lined up in advance. I think it would help your mental state to apply for jobs in the region you are interested in, but not move without anything set up.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:48 AM on November 9, 2015
This may be true in certain fields, but it is certainly not true in many, if not most of them.
Also, if you have family in the area where you are looking to possibly move, then you can absolutely use a family member's address on your cover letter/resume for sending out applications.
I have done the cross country move twice, but both times I had jobs lined up in advance. I think it would help your mental state to apply for jobs in the region you are interested in, but not move without anything set up.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:48 AM on November 9, 2015
I agree that moving interstate without a job lined up or at least a lot of savings would be foolish in your position. So lets say you don't make that decision until you either get a job near your family or you save up six months worth of expenses.
Consider moving somewhere cheaper to help save money. Maybe sub lease as a housemate - then there's no lease to break. Being at home alone all the time is probably not good for you anyway.
You're in your quieter period at work till April, right? So use your spare time to get yourself ready for a potential move. Start mentally deciding what you will take with you and getting rid of clutter you don't need anymore. Start a hobby, or start volunteering at something that will transfer with you when you move. This way you'll have an automatic community in your new city. In a way, it's also a practice for moving. There's no pressure for you to find the perfect set of friends or the perfect volunteer position or the perfect apartment, just something that's nice for the next six months or so.
You can definitely job hunt from out of state. It may require going there for an interview, but it's worth a shot at least. It'll give you an idea of the job situation, if nothing else. Stick your brother's address on your resume, and see how much interest you get.
In summary, make some 'just for now' decisions. Don't give up your job until you've got a new one, but do try some new stuff.
posted by kjs4 at 4:45 PM on November 9, 2015
Consider moving somewhere cheaper to help save money. Maybe sub lease as a housemate - then there's no lease to break. Being at home alone all the time is probably not good for you anyway.
You're in your quieter period at work till April, right? So use your spare time to get yourself ready for a potential move. Start mentally deciding what you will take with you and getting rid of clutter you don't need anymore. Start a hobby, or start volunteering at something that will transfer with you when you move. This way you'll have an automatic community in your new city. In a way, it's also a practice for moving. There's no pressure for you to find the perfect set of friends or the perfect volunteer position or the perfect apartment, just something that's nice for the next six months or so.
You can definitely job hunt from out of state. It may require going there for an interview, but it's worth a shot at least. It'll give you an idea of the job situation, if nothing else. Stick your brother's address on your resume, and see how much interest you get.
In summary, make some 'just for now' decisions. Don't give up your job until you've got a new one, but do try some new stuff.
posted by kjs4 at 4:45 PM on November 9, 2015
I'm no expert in these things, but I can relate to you on some level. I'll mention some things that have helped me so far while trying to stay put after a breakup. Maybe some of this will help. Note: There is some "me me me" in here, FYI, but this is all directed at you. It's too damn late for editing.
I'm in an eerily similar situation to yours right now. A relationship of similar length (10 years) that I depended on far too much ended abruptly in September, and I now live alone. I moved here to live with her so everything, even the city itself, reminds me of her (although admittedly your anxiety about this seems higher than mine). I have a decent job that I'm not really happy with, but that I also feel lucky to have. I've been struggling with significant anxiety issues for about 5 years, which this clearly doesn't help. Part of me just wants to move away and start over again.
That's just part of me. The bigger part says that's an extreme decision to make so quickly. I'm sticking around at least until my lease is up in the summer before deciding whether I should move. Echoing what others have said, I've acknowledged that I'm in the thick of it right now and that my head isn't clear enough yet to make such a big decision. Not to mention, I just lost the most important person in my life! That's a big change. Moving and quitting my job would just be too much for me to handle.
Now some ideas on staying put. First, if it's over and you know it clap your hands! (Sorry.) Anyway now that it's over, it's time to start reclaiming things as your own. If there are objects lying around your place that remind you of her (and there will be a lot of them if she lived with you), do something with the worst offenders. Hide them, donate them, throw them out or just take them back in your mind. Replace and redecorate as needed. This is a highly individual practice of course, so only do what you're comfortable with, but I can say this helped me a lot. There are some things I don't think I'd ever be able to look at without seeing her, so I donated or sold most of those things. Furniture, picture frames, mugs, gifts, etc. I wanted to get rid of absolutely everything that reminded me of her in some way, but realized after a while that I would have to get rid of absolutely everything (city included), so there are clearly limits. After a while it went from "you can have your bloody coasters" to "screw your ice cream, it's mine now!" Disclaimer: this was super easy for me because she's a cheating, lying thief in my case. It may be tougher for you since you didn't want the breakup.
Next, take the above suggestion regarding objects and apply that to other parts of your life (again, within reason). If you took part in things as a couple that suck for you now, maybe you can take a break from them for a while, or maybe you can reclaim them as your own too. The second one is easier if you bring a friend. This can be really tough, especially if your social circle is also intermixed, but it's doable!
Also, and perhaps most importantly, it's been helpful to me to do as many new and different things as possible that don't remind me of her (also things I like that she wasn't involved in). Things I have at least a passing interest in that I haven't taken the time to explore enough. Social activities are probably the best. Tennis (or an indoor sport in the winter), hiking, Meetup groups, language classes, comedy clubs, the gym, etc. A woman once told me that after she had a nasty breakup, she put so much time and energy into escaping her former life that she ended up happier living in the new world she had created for herself. (I'm basically trying that approach.)
Lastly, um... I haven't gotten there yet so I don't know what else to write here. You'll likely meet someone new that you can be happy with, but that takes time. You sound like you're not at that stage yet (neither am I). The best thing to do right now is probably just to work on rebuilding your own identity. Make the city yours again, as much as you can, before deciding to move away. Take some time to heal!
posted by HumanBean at 12:52 AM on November 10, 2015
I'm in an eerily similar situation to yours right now. A relationship of similar length (10 years) that I depended on far too much ended abruptly in September, and I now live alone. I moved here to live with her so everything, even the city itself, reminds me of her (although admittedly your anxiety about this seems higher than mine). I have a decent job that I'm not really happy with, but that I also feel lucky to have. I've been struggling with significant anxiety issues for about 5 years, which this clearly doesn't help. Part of me just wants to move away and start over again.
That's just part of me. The bigger part says that's an extreme decision to make so quickly. I'm sticking around at least until my lease is up in the summer before deciding whether I should move. Echoing what others have said, I've acknowledged that I'm in the thick of it right now and that my head isn't clear enough yet to make such a big decision. Not to mention, I just lost the most important person in my life! That's a big change. Moving and quitting my job would just be too much for me to handle.
Now some ideas on staying put. First, if it's over and you know it clap your hands! (Sorry.) Anyway now that it's over, it's time to start reclaiming things as your own. If there are objects lying around your place that remind you of her (and there will be a lot of them if she lived with you), do something with the worst offenders. Hide them, donate them, throw them out or just take them back in your mind. Replace and redecorate as needed. This is a highly individual practice of course, so only do what you're comfortable with, but I can say this helped me a lot. There are some things I don't think I'd ever be able to look at without seeing her, so I donated or sold most of those things. Furniture, picture frames, mugs, gifts, etc. I wanted to get rid of absolutely everything that reminded me of her in some way, but realized after a while that I would have to get rid of absolutely everything (city included), so there are clearly limits. After a while it went from "you can have your bloody coasters" to "screw your ice cream, it's mine now!" Disclaimer: this was super easy for me because she's a cheating, lying thief in my case. It may be tougher for you since you didn't want the breakup.
Next, take the above suggestion regarding objects and apply that to other parts of your life (again, within reason). If you took part in things as a couple that suck for you now, maybe you can take a break from them for a while, or maybe you can reclaim them as your own too. The second one is easier if you bring a friend. This can be really tough, especially if your social circle is also intermixed, but it's doable!
Also, and perhaps most importantly, it's been helpful to me to do as many new and different things as possible that don't remind me of her (also things I like that she wasn't involved in). Things I have at least a passing interest in that I haven't taken the time to explore enough. Social activities are probably the best. Tennis (or an indoor sport in the winter), hiking, Meetup groups, language classes, comedy clubs, the gym, etc. A woman once told me that after she had a nasty breakup, she put so much time and energy into escaping her former life that she ended up happier living in the new world she had created for herself. (I'm basically trying that approach.)
Lastly, um... I haven't gotten there yet so I don't know what else to write here. You'll likely meet someone new that you can be happy with, but that takes time. You sound like you're not at that stage yet (neither am I). The best thing to do right now is probably just to work on rebuilding your own identity. Make the city yours again, as much as you can, before deciding to move away. Take some time to heal!
posted by HumanBean at 12:52 AM on November 10, 2015
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posted by Oyéah at 4:45 PM on November 8, 2015 [9 favorites]