Keeping in touch for the terminally awkward - employment edition
November 6, 2015 2:01 PM Subscribe
I am terrible at maintaining contact with former supervisors/professors and have the tendency to put it off until it can't be avoided, then I feel like a jerk for only reaching out when I need something. How does one word a professional keep in touch email?
I have a lifelong history of being terrible at keeping touch with people who I don't see on a regular basis. With old friends it's one thing, I feel less uncomfortable reaching out and usually have lots to say. When it comes to professional contacts, especially old supervisors or professors who I would like to use as references in the future, I feel more guilty for being out of touch and less confident about what to say in an email because I don't necessarily know them very well on a personal level despite our good working relationship. This results in a anxiety/avoidance cycle where I put off getting in touch because I don't know what to say but the longer I'm out of touch the worse I feel about the situation. Eventually I convince myself that they must think I'm super rude for never reaching out and only get the nerve to contact them when it's unavoidable, thus confirming these feelings.
I feel like I'm in need of a better script to use when I write these emails, but I never know what to say. Usually all I can come up with boils down to:
"Hi,
How are you? Hope you are well. These days I do XYZ at work, it is pretty [good/interesting/terrible and I need to use you as a reference hope that's ok].
Best, Fox Problems"
Now, I can see that this is a perfectly fine starting point, but it's basically all I've got and sending out variations on this theme endlessly is not what I want to do. What do you incorporate into emails like this to make them less stiff and more natural? Am I accurately evaluating the relative rudeness of dropping out of touch for an extended period of time? I should note that everyone who I would ask to be a reference has independently said they would be willing to do so, one even gave me a written letter for future use. How often should I even be touching base, anyway?
I have a lifelong history of being terrible at keeping touch with people who I don't see on a regular basis. With old friends it's one thing, I feel less uncomfortable reaching out and usually have lots to say. When it comes to professional contacts, especially old supervisors or professors who I would like to use as references in the future, I feel more guilty for being out of touch and less confident about what to say in an email because I don't necessarily know them very well on a personal level despite our good working relationship. This results in a anxiety/avoidance cycle where I put off getting in touch because I don't know what to say but the longer I'm out of touch the worse I feel about the situation. Eventually I convince myself that they must think I'm super rude for never reaching out and only get the nerve to contact them when it's unavoidable, thus confirming these feelings.
I feel like I'm in need of a better script to use when I write these emails, but I never know what to say. Usually all I can come up with boils down to:
"Hi,
How are you? Hope you are well. These days I do XYZ at work, it is pretty [good/interesting/terrible and I need to use you as a reference hope that's ok].
Best, Fox Problems"
Now, I can see that this is a perfectly fine starting point, but it's basically all I've got and sending out variations on this theme endlessly is not what I want to do. What do you incorporate into emails like this to make them less stiff and more natural? Am I accurately evaluating the relative rudeness of dropping out of touch for an extended period of time? I should note that everyone who I would ask to be a reference has independently said they would be willing to do so, one even gave me a written letter for future use. How often should I even be touching base, anyway?
I will keep an eye open when I'm surfing the web for interesting projects or things that come up that they might enjoy. So I'll keep in touch with 3D modeling people and sometimes shoot them an email with a youtube link that shows off a cool render someone did in a piece of software. Or I'll shoot a news link about a new retail store expansion in an area to some B2B sales people I used to work with. Just professional bits of interest that they might enjoy will help rebuild connections.
posted by msbutah at 2:26 PM on November 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by msbutah at 2:26 PM on November 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
I would encourage you to re-think this. I have a professional circle of hundreds of people. I do not want to "keep in touch" with hundreds of people. What you are describing is engagement in a professional transaction, not a social one. You should not use a social "reaching out" metric to measure you guilt. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
At the same time, I hate those "Hi how are you, I hope you are well" emails. If we don't have a personal relationship where you know how I am, I assume you don't really care how I am. Which is fine, because while I wish you all the best, I don't really care how you are either. I want to know what you want so I can get you on and off my To Do list as quickly as possible.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:27 PM on November 6, 2015 [12 favorites]
At the same time, I hate those "Hi how are you, I hope you are well" emails. If we don't have a personal relationship where you know how I am, I assume you don't really care how I am. Which is fine, because while I wish you all the best, I don't really care how you are either. I want to know what you want so I can get you on and off my To Do list as quickly as possible.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:27 PM on November 6, 2015 [12 favorites]
I should also offer - try turning this situation around in your head to figure out what you should say. If you were this person and they got an email from you, would you even care that it was only transactional in nature? When I think of it this way, I usually realize it doesn't matter because the person receiving the message realizes that you have a professional relationship and is going to expect that communication from you will entail something that you want/ask/need from them. That is, if I got an email from you and had a professional relationship, I would probably expect it to contain a request or action item.
posted by msbutah at 2:33 PM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by msbutah at 2:33 PM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: To clarify-- I'm mainly talking about keeping in touch with the handful of supervisors/professors who I would like to use as references; I'm contemplating a change in jobs which has brought this question up for me again. These are all people who I had close working relationships with and who supported me in my professional development, it's just that we rarely talked about things like family or hobbies that I would normally bring up with old friends or coworkers. It seems a bit rude to me to only reach out when I need a reference, but maybe I've been overthinking this (I've definitely been overthinking this).
posted by fox problems at 2:51 PM on November 6, 2015
posted by fox problems at 2:51 PM on November 6, 2015
Best answer: You seem to be talking about professional contacts rather than people you want close friendships with, so I agree with other responses here that you shouldn't worry too much about this.
As for suggestions for staying in touch beyond "hey I need a recommendation letter" I have two. One is kind of banal, but still works for me with some people; I am Facebook friends with a few former professors/colleagues. The occasional like or comment on what they post is a light way of staying in touch, with no expectation of needing anything further from them. If they blog or use a different social media thing the same logic applies.
The other way I keep in occasional touch with former professors is by forwarding the occasional article or what-have-you that crosses my desk that's relevant to their work but that it's possible they haven't seen, generally with a line or two recalling a previous discussion of the topic or something like that. The usually only happens once or twice every couple years but it's again a light way to stay in touch. As an example; someone whose book we had been assigned as a class reading did a fascinating reddit AMA a few years after I graduated; I knew my former prof was still teaching on the topic and was unlikely to be a reddit user, so I sent him a link and a note (and got a brief but warm response).
posted by Wretch729 at 3:01 PM on November 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
As for suggestions for staying in touch beyond "hey I need a recommendation letter" I have two. One is kind of banal, but still works for me with some people; I am Facebook friends with a few former professors/colleagues. The occasional like or comment on what they post is a light way of staying in touch, with no expectation of needing anything further from them. If they blog or use a different social media thing the same logic applies.
The other way I keep in occasional touch with former professors is by forwarding the occasional article or what-have-you that crosses my desk that's relevant to their work but that it's possible they haven't seen, generally with a line or two recalling a previous discussion of the topic or something like that. The usually only happens once or twice every couple years but it's again a light way to stay in touch. As an example; someone whose book we had been assigned as a class reading did a fascinating reddit AMA a few years after I graduated; I knew my former prof was still teaching on the topic and was unlikely to be a reddit user, so I sent him a link and a note (and got a brief but warm response).
posted by Wretch729 at 3:01 PM on November 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
This is one of the places that LinkedIn is helpful, especially if they use it actively. If they do so and you provide the site with updates from time to time, they'll get a gentle reminder that your career is progressing in their feed.
posted by Candleman at 3:18 PM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Candleman at 3:18 PM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: IAAP, but IANYP (well, probably). I don't at all mind if former students contact me only when they need references --- this is part of my responsibility to them. Your email is perfectly fine, although it's probably good to put the request first before chit-chat, to make it easier to scan --- this shows respect for my time. It's always fun to hear what former students are up to, although I would not expect to receive an email just to give me an update. Social media is a good new thing for this; maybe I should spruce up my LinkedIn profile now. The one exception where unsolicited contact is really good might be after I've written some recommendations for you, it's good to let me know where you ended up going. That's kind and always nice to hear about.
posted by sesquipedalian at 3:30 PM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by sesquipedalian at 3:30 PM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
It seems a bit rude to me to only reach out when I need a reference, but maybe I've been overthinking this (I've definitely been overthinking this).
You are overthinking this. It's fine to only contact them when you need a reference, and there is zero need to pad needing a reference in social chitchat, which just wastes their time.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:40 PM on November 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
You are overthinking this. It's fine to only contact them when you need a reference, and there is zero need to pad needing a reference in social chitchat, which just wastes their time.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:40 PM on November 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
LinkedIn is how I do this. If they are the type to post things, make sure you like and comment on the things they post. You can also post things yourself (and this is good for your professional profile, as well) and they can see that you're active and be reminded that you exist.
posted by xingcat at 4:21 PM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 4:21 PM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: With supervisors and professors, I think it's normal to only contact them when you need them. It's not as if you are friends or colleagues that worked together. I mean, think about this, did you ever interact with your former professor when it wasn't to discuss an exam, or homework, or attendance, or something directly related to your studies? Did you ever talk about your lives or see how each other was doing? Of course not. For professors and old bosses, I think it's completely normal to only reach out to them when you need them.
That said, as a manager, I find it distasteful if it's a situation where I have left and they don't say anything like, "It was great working with you" or "good luck" -- they more or less act as if I was never there -- and then down the road suddenly want something from me. Just try to be professionally decent to someone.
So, while I think it's inappropriate to have any sort of strictly social, how-are-you interactions, I do think there are moments where you can keep in touch: If you hear they got a new job or some sort of award you can congratulate them on, if you get a new job and you want to update them since they've been helpful to you in the past, if you happen to physically see them or be at the same event, if you happen to be Facebook or Twitter friends, etc.
Also, when you are sending emails asking for something, just be clear what you're asking for. Emails that are just a wishy-washy means of pretending to catch up and then subtly, indirectly asking for something is annoying -- the boss or professor knows you're only emailing because you want something. They are used to it and they aren't offended.
posted by AppleTurnover at 4:33 PM on November 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
That said, as a manager, I find it distasteful if it's a situation where I have left and they don't say anything like, "It was great working with you" or "good luck" -- they more or less act as if I was never there -- and then down the road suddenly want something from me. Just try to be professionally decent to someone.
So, while I think it's inappropriate to have any sort of strictly social, how-are-you interactions, I do think there are moments where you can keep in touch: If you hear they got a new job or some sort of award you can congratulate them on, if you get a new job and you want to update them since they've been helpful to you in the past, if you happen to physically see them or be at the same event, if you happen to be Facebook or Twitter friends, etc.
Also, when you are sending emails asking for something, just be clear what you're asking for. Emails that are just a wishy-washy means of pretending to catch up and then subtly, indirectly asking for something is annoying -- the boss or professor knows you're only emailing because you want something. They are used to it and they aren't offended.
posted by AppleTurnover at 4:33 PM on November 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: For purpose of soliciting recommendations, it is perfectly fine to only contact them when you need those, and not waste their time otherwise. (Of course, the request should also say you hope they're well, ask how the family is, say you hope things are going well at the lab, etc. But, make it clear the reason for the communication is the referral request.)
Beyond that, Linkedin is great for just sort of keeping on people's radar in an unobtrusive way. Post interesting things periodically to Linkedin groups that they're a member of, IF you have something interesting to share (don't post crap.) Be in their network and "like" the stuff they post. Not every single thing. Rule of thumb - like one in 5 things they post
Be sensitive to the visibility of this and don't post anything weird or really controversial. Everyone sees it, even folks you forget are there.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:43 PM on November 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Beyond that, Linkedin is great for just sort of keeping on people's radar in an unobtrusive way. Post interesting things periodically to Linkedin groups that they're a member of, IF you have something interesting to share (don't post crap.) Be in their network and "like" the stuff they post. Not every single thing. Rule of thumb - like one in 5 things they post
Be sensitive to the visibility of this and don't post anything weird or really controversial. Everyone sees it, even folks you forget are there.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:43 PM on November 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
One of the things I do at my job is supervise a bunch of interns. I don't mind at all if they only contact me when they need letters of recommendation or references. I also don't mind if they want to follow me on Facebook/LinkedIn/Twitter/socialmediasiteofthemoment, and like and comment on stuff I post. I also don't mind if they email me occasionally to say hi, as long as they don't mind that I might not respond just because I'm pretty busy, and I'll still give them references. I actively like it when they send me relevant articles, or updates about something they're up to that is relevant to my work, or questions they think I can answer in light of my relevant expertise. People like helping. So I think that, within reason, it's totally normal to have some people in your life whom you contact primarily to ask for help. Especially if (just to keep the universe in balance) you commit to doing the same for others when you're in a position to do so in the future.
posted by decathecting at 7:39 PM on November 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 7:39 PM on November 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Everyone above has said what I would say, don't sweat it, that's how it works.
I'm a manager. Once upon a time in my career I tried to do the holiday card thing, and it was a mess. If any of my former reports emailed me out of the blue for a recommendation, not only would I happily give it, it wouldn't even occur to me to think "huh, they've not been in contact in three years."
This is absolutely no big. Nothing to sweat. Linkedin, as suggested, is a great baseline level of "in touch", and there is 0% faux pas in not talking to a former manager for 10 years and then asking for a reference.
posted by colin_l at 7:47 PM on November 6, 2015
I'm a manager. Once upon a time in my career I tried to do the holiday card thing, and it was a mess. If any of my former reports emailed me out of the blue for a recommendation, not only would I happily give it, it wouldn't even occur to me to think "huh, they've not been in contact in three years."
This is absolutely no big. Nothing to sweat. Linkedin, as suggested, is a great baseline level of "in touch", and there is 0% faux pas in not talking to a former manager for 10 years and then asking for a reference.
posted by colin_l at 7:47 PM on November 6, 2015
I'm a professor, and between honours and PhD students, plus summer interns, I've supervised loads of people. Many of them I remember fondly and had a very good working relationship with. But if all of them felt the need to keep in touch with me just in case they might need a reference letter later, I would HATE it.
I already get too many emails and have too many constant interruptions and hundreds of current students and responsibilities to keep on top of. If you were a good student it would be my pleasure to write a letter -- I mean that truly -- but please, please, for the love of god just be straightforward about it, and don't pad your request with a bunch of social chitchat you're just putting in there because it feels rude otherwise. And don't contact me out of the blue with something social that doesn't have an obvious point either. Either of these puts me in the position of either taking the time to respond to your social chitchat (when I have SO MANY other things to do) or feeling like I'm being rude myself.
Maybe I'm just a big ol' curmudgeon. But I don't think I'm alone in feeling this way.
posted by forza at 1:51 AM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I already get too many emails and have too many constant interruptions and hundreds of current students and responsibilities to keep on top of. If you were a good student it would be my pleasure to write a letter -- I mean that truly -- but please, please, for the love of god just be straightforward about it, and don't pad your request with a bunch of social chitchat you're just putting in there because it feels rude otherwise. And don't contact me out of the blue with something social that doesn't have an obvious point either. Either of these puts me in the position of either taking the time to respond to your social chitchat (when I have SO MANY other things to do) or feeling like I'm being rude myself.
Maybe I'm just a big ol' curmudgeon. But I don't think I'm alone in feeling this way.
posted by forza at 1:51 AM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by k8t at 2:06 PM on November 6, 2015 [4 favorites]