Please help me break up with my boyfriend. I'm a wimp.
November 2, 2015 12:16 AM Subscribe
I've been with my long distance boyfriend for almost 3 years. He's not making time for me anymore. I love him but I'm scared that I'm wasting my 20s. Please help me break up with this ghost of a man. I am also a special snowflake who crumples easily.
I'm coming here because I trust and love Ask MeFi so much. I pretty much need a chorus of DTMFA and this is the best place to get it.
Female/male relationship, both 24 and live on opposite coasts. I'd explain our situation in detail, but I originally wanted to write this out as a "please help me salvage this" type of question, and it just sounded increasingly ridiculous that I hadn't already ended it. So that in and of itself is a sign that this is pretty much over. He has other priorities that are Not Me, including hobbies, and no matter how good they sound on paper (or skype) they shouldn't prevent him from saying good night to me every night, which I feel is my minimum amount of necessary contact before I start getting too lonely. I don't think that's an unreasonable expectation from a relationship. I'm lucky to hear from him once a week lately. Earlier this year he went three weeks without talking to me because he was on the road or something, and since then I've been coming to terms with the fact that this is dead, in the ground, RIP. But neither of us is breaking up with the other.
I actually tried breaking up with him before, but I instantly felt bad because a. sunk investments, b. I do love him, or at least the memory of what we used to have when we actually HAD something, and c. he pulls the "I knew I'm a terrible boyfriend and I work too much" card and I am SUCH a wimp and hate the idea of hurting him that I fell for it. And I'm kind of getting disgusted with myself for that, because I can think of potentially nice guys I've turned down because sorry, I have a boyfriend. I feel like he's taken my patience and understanding for granted, assuming no matter what he does I will stick around, and it's extremely likely that I've encouraged this because I hate conflict.
I've been in denial for so long that I feel paralyzed by the anxiety and I don't know how to go about this. I don't know how to approach it, what to do, what to say, or how to say it. I thought about a fade out, and that maybe I should just pretend to forget about him and date other people, but that sounds unfair to everyone involved. Or maybe not, because I can't even tell. I hate the idea of going completely no-contact as well. Something just makes me really apprehensive about it even though I can't articulate it well.
What I need is some advice for how to go about doing this, with the least amount of pain inflicted on BOTH of us. He's a good friend with sound advice when I need it, but not necessarily a fantastic boyfriend. I can totally handle him being the internet friend I talk to and catch up with every couple weeks, but that doesn't work for me as a relationship. It would also be really great if I could get some resources for working on building up my sense of self so that I don't keep doing this with more guys that aren't right for me. It's becoming a bad relationship pattern.
So if you have any advice for me in the form of articles, anecdotes, telling me how happy and free I'll be after it's over and the pain subsides, or anything at all, it would be greatly appreciated. Bonus points for anything about being assertive about my needs without crumpling, which is a thing I do too much, and probably got me into this. If you need more detail I'd be happy to supply.
I'm coming here because I trust and love Ask MeFi so much. I pretty much need a chorus of DTMFA and this is the best place to get it.
Female/male relationship, both 24 and live on opposite coasts. I'd explain our situation in detail, but I originally wanted to write this out as a "please help me salvage this" type of question, and it just sounded increasingly ridiculous that I hadn't already ended it. So that in and of itself is a sign that this is pretty much over. He has other priorities that are Not Me, including hobbies, and no matter how good they sound on paper (or skype) they shouldn't prevent him from saying good night to me every night, which I feel is my minimum amount of necessary contact before I start getting too lonely. I don't think that's an unreasonable expectation from a relationship. I'm lucky to hear from him once a week lately. Earlier this year he went three weeks without talking to me because he was on the road or something, and since then I've been coming to terms with the fact that this is dead, in the ground, RIP. But neither of us is breaking up with the other.
I actually tried breaking up with him before, but I instantly felt bad because a. sunk investments, b. I do love him, or at least the memory of what we used to have when we actually HAD something, and c. he pulls the "I knew I'm a terrible boyfriend and I work too much" card and I am SUCH a wimp and hate the idea of hurting him that I fell for it. And I'm kind of getting disgusted with myself for that, because I can think of potentially nice guys I've turned down because sorry, I have a boyfriend. I feel like he's taken my patience and understanding for granted, assuming no matter what he does I will stick around, and it's extremely likely that I've encouraged this because I hate conflict.
I've been in denial for so long that I feel paralyzed by the anxiety and I don't know how to go about this. I don't know how to approach it, what to do, what to say, or how to say it. I thought about a fade out, and that maybe I should just pretend to forget about him and date other people, but that sounds unfair to everyone involved. Or maybe not, because I can't even tell. I hate the idea of going completely no-contact as well. Something just makes me really apprehensive about it even though I can't articulate it well.
What I need is some advice for how to go about doing this, with the least amount of pain inflicted on BOTH of us. He's a good friend with sound advice when I need it, but not necessarily a fantastic boyfriend. I can totally handle him being the internet friend I talk to and catch up with every couple weeks, but that doesn't work for me as a relationship. It would also be really great if I could get some resources for working on building up my sense of self so that I don't keep doing this with more guys that aren't right for me. It's becoming a bad relationship pattern.
So if you have any advice for me in the form of articles, anecdotes, telling me how happy and free I'll be after it's over and the pain subsides, or anything at all, it would be greatly appreciated. Bonus points for anything about being assertive about my needs without crumpling, which is a thing I do too much, and probably got me into this. If you need more detail I'd be happy to supply.
These situations just suck, and you genuinely have my sympathy.
What I will say about the "I hate the idea of hurting him" dilemma is that you hurt. This relationship is hurting you. Contemplate the fact that your pain means very little to him, and certainly engenders no change in his behaviour, but his pain is so important to you that you are willing to sacrifice all of your aspirations for love and happiness just to keep him from being sad.
On a practical basis, your track record for making a final exit sucks, whereas his for track record for sucking you back in is extraordinarily good. Going no-contact probably makes you apprehensive because it will mean you are actually breaking up with him, whereas keeping in contact (given the track record) means you are not.
Put on your own oxygen mask first and do what is in your own best interests: go no contact. Tell him you're sorry and you love him but that is not enough, and you're done now. (If you absolutely must, for your own sanity, tell him no contact for three months; this may be easier for you than the idea of no contact forever.) Then do what you need to do. Block his number. Bin his emails.
You genuinely can do this.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:48 AM on November 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
What I will say about the "I hate the idea of hurting him" dilemma is that you hurt. This relationship is hurting you. Contemplate the fact that your pain means very little to him, and certainly engenders no change in his behaviour, but his pain is so important to you that you are willing to sacrifice all of your aspirations for love and happiness just to keep him from being sad.
On a practical basis, your track record for making a final exit sucks, whereas his for track record for sucking you back in is extraordinarily good. Going no-contact probably makes you apprehensive because it will mean you are actually breaking up with him, whereas keeping in contact (given the track record) means you are not.
Put on your own oxygen mask first and do what is in your own best interests: go no contact. Tell him you're sorry and you love him but that is not enough, and you're done now. (If you absolutely must, for your own sanity, tell him no contact for three months; this may be easier for you than the idea of no contact forever.) Then do what you need to do. Block his number. Bin his emails.
You genuinely can do this.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:48 AM on November 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
I ended a relationship like this a few years ago. We'd been together for EIGHT years. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I've since realised that even if someone is a nice person, even if you love them, if you don't want to live similar kinds of lives (including being in the same damn place), you are not truly compatible with that person.
So yeah. Go for it. There is so much strength and self composure evident in your post that I'm pretty confident you're going to be just fine.
(Helpful tip: about a week or two after the breakup you WILL suddenly "realise" that it was all a terrible mistake, he's your one and only soulmate and you must somehow win him back. It wasn't, he's not, and you shouldn't. That feeling will pass, I promise. Chocolate helps, in my experience).
posted by embrangled at 12:48 AM on November 2, 2015 [22 favorites]
So yeah. Go for it. There is so much strength and self composure evident in your post that I'm pretty confident you're going to be just fine.
(Helpful tip: about a week or two after the breakup you WILL suddenly "realise" that it was all a terrible mistake, he's your one and only soulmate and you must somehow win him back. It wasn't, he's not, and you shouldn't. That feeling will pass, I promise. Chocolate helps, in my experience).
posted by embrangled at 12:48 AM on November 2, 2015 [22 favorites]
I was with a long distance partner for too long, and missed out on a lot because of it.
I totally understand you when you say "I do love him, or at least the memory of what we used to have when we actually HAD something". The nasty thing about long distance is that you're often in a relationship with your idea of a person, rather than the reality. And the idea of someone can be so perfect that you'll forgive or ignore a lot of problems in the real person.
I promise you'll be happy to put this behind you. It's not fair or loving for him to treat you this way, and it's not fair to yourself to set a standard where you accept a relationship where your (clearly articulated and reasonable) needs aren't being met.
One thing that was useful to me was to realise that distance and communication issues are problems that may justify a breakup in the same way that dishonesty or cheating might. I had a tendency to think 'my relationship is perfect, except for the distance'. It changed when I realised how much that sounded like saying 'our relationship is perfect, except for her abuse' or something like that. This relationship isn't giving you what you need from a relationship, and there's no sign that it's going to change.
Would it help to write out a script then call him? Or just email first, explaining yourself, then call later? It may help to avoid specific fixable things (which may result in him saying 'but I'll call more often!') and just put it in general terms:
- The relationship is not making you as happy as it once did, and it hasn't for a long time.
- You don't want to keep pouring your energy into something that no longer makes you happy.
If he responds with 'I'm such an awful boyfriend', that's just reinforcing the fact that you're making the right decision. Why would you want to be with someone who knows they're an awful boyfriend and doesn't make any changes?
All the best.
posted by twirlypen at 12:48 AM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
I totally understand you when you say "I do love him, or at least the memory of what we used to have when we actually HAD something". The nasty thing about long distance is that you're often in a relationship with your idea of a person, rather than the reality. And the idea of someone can be so perfect that you'll forgive or ignore a lot of problems in the real person.
I promise you'll be happy to put this behind you. It's not fair or loving for him to treat you this way, and it's not fair to yourself to set a standard where you accept a relationship where your (clearly articulated and reasonable) needs aren't being met.
One thing that was useful to me was to realise that distance and communication issues are problems that may justify a breakup in the same way that dishonesty or cheating might. I had a tendency to think 'my relationship is perfect, except for the distance'. It changed when I realised how much that sounded like saying 'our relationship is perfect, except for her abuse' or something like that. This relationship isn't giving you what you need from a relationship, and there's no sign that it's going to change.
Would it help to write out a script then call him? Or just email first, explaining yourself, then call later? It may help to avoid specific fixable things (which may result in him saying 'but I'll call more often!') and just put it in general terms:
- The relationship is not making you as happy as it once did, and it hasn't for a long time.
- You don't want to keep pouring your energy into something that no longer makes you happy.
If he responds with 'I'm such an awful boyfriend', that's just reinforcing the fact that you're making the right decision. Why would you want to be with someone who knows they're an awful boyfriend and doesn't make any changes?
All the best.
posted by twirlypen at 12:48 AM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
a. sunk investments
Following your use of those terms, economists call this the "endowment effect" and it's like holding onto shares when the market tanks because well you paid a lot for them and won't sell at the new price - even if all logic and reason says that the price will never recover. Hanging onto these shares is dragging down your whole portfolio and preventing you from making more sensible investments. Sell. Take the loss and move on.
I don't know how to approach it, what to do, what to say, or how to say it.
The MacBeth principle - t'were well it were done quickly - applies equally well when removing band-aids and ending relationships.
posted by three blind mice at 1:14 AM on November 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
Following your use of those terms, economists call this the "endowment effect" and it's like holding onto shares when the market tanks because well you paid a lot for them and won't sell at the new price - even if all logic and reason says that the price will never recover. Hanging onto these shares is dragging down your whole portfolio and preventing you from making more sensible investments. Sell. Take the loss and move on.
I don't know how to approach it, what to do, what to say, or how to say it.
The MacBeth principle - t'were well it were done quickly - applies equally well when removing band-aids and ending relationships.
posted by three blind mice at 1:14 AM on November 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
Once it's done, the anxiety will stop. I find that anxiety is the anticipation of something happening, not the thing actually happening. The longer you wait to do it, the more you think about it and the more the anxiety builds up. Once you do it, it's like turning the release valve and all the anxiety starts to escape. Don't let yourself waste anymore time feeling like this. And don't waste anymore time telling nice guys you have a boyfriend, because you don't -- you have a guy who calls you once a week when he's not too busy living his life.
Just do it. Email him, call him, text him, who cares -- just get it on the table. You will end up talking through it anyway, and when you do, just have to resolve to know that this is what you want. Him promising to call you more -- or whatever crumbs or empty promises he may throw at you -- isn't good enough. You want to end this and it's over. Non-negotiable, just something he needs to know. The end.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship. It doesn't make you a bad person or a jerk. This is normal and you're being reasonable.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:26 AM on November 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
Just do it. Email him, call him, text him, who cares -- just get it on the table. You will end up talking through it anyway, and when you do, just have to resolve to know that this is what you want. Him promising to call you more -- or whatever crumbs or empty promises he may throw at you -- isn't good enough. You want to end this and it's over. Non-negotiable, just something he needs to know. The end.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship. It doesn't make you a bad person or a jerk. This is normal and you're being reasonable.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:26 AM on November 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
People often say that you need to do this over the phone/in person/the most intimate plausible way of conversation you can, but that's bullshit. If you know you're just going to Not Say It through the next dozen phone calls because it's too hard, go to email. Or if you know you can say it (because you have before!) but he'll suck you back in like a smooth talking jerk who just doesn't want this bad relationship to end, then go to email. And if you email him or tell him on the phone and then he calls you and you find yourself steamrolled by his apologies and promises and plans to do better and you say yes we can try again, then when you get off the phone and realise you just unbroke up with him even though nothings changed and you still think the relationship is over, email him again and say sorry, I know I'm easily convinced on the phone, but this is real and I mean it and stop trying to change my mind.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 1:36 AM on November 2, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by the agents of KAOS at 1:36 AM on November 2, 2015 [11 favorites]
I think I said something like 'you've been great in lots of ways and I care for you, but we are in a fantasy world, aren't we? It's gotta end, and if possible, nicely, can you do that?'
But there were lots of emails back n forth and sad skypes etc, until one day I'd had enough and just sent a 'Listen, I won't be in contact any more.' and kept myself away from my laptop and phone. I lined up as much time with chocolate, friends and time for my own sobs n regrets, it was hard but it really did get better, and it was so much easier than trying to deconstruct the relationship in endless back n forth.
I do think that long distance relationships that are permanent situations without plans to co-locate, are really a dead end. Would not do again.
posted by honey-barbara at 2:09 AM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
But there were lots of emails back n forth and sad skypes etc, until one day I'd had enough and just sent a 'Listen, I won't be in contact any more.' and kept myself away from my laptop and phone. I lined up as much time with chocolate, friends and time for my own sobs n regrets, it was hard but it really did get better, and it was so much easier than trying to deconstruct the relationship in endless back n forth.
I do think that long distance relationships that are permanent situations without plans to co-locate, are really a dead end. Would not do again.
posted by honey-barbara at 2:09 AM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Hey, be kind to yourself. Don't call yourself a wimp, okay? You're a person trying to deal with a messy, complicated situation and it's okay that you're finding it hard, because it's not easy! In terms of breaking up, I think you should do what will be easiest for you. If you need to do this over email, write him an email. If it will be easier to call him, then call him. Say what you need to say, but don't worry about it being perfectly worded. You just have to tell him somehow that isn't working for you anymore and you want to break up.
Try and avoid getting into any long discussions about why you want to break up, because it sounds like your boyfriend will try and argue you down. And the truth is: a break-up is a unilateral decision. You don't need him to agree with you in order to break up with him. You don't need him to like the idea and you don't need him to understand why you need to break up with him. So tell him however you're comfortable and then go no contact for a while.
It's hard to break up with someone when they haven't done any huge thing wrong and it's just not working, because it can feel like making a statement: "I am good and worthwhile and I don't need to settle for something just because it's not horrible," and that can be scary if you don't feel particularly good or worthwhile (believe me, I know!). But you are all of those things, and you deserve to take good care of yourself.
And the immediate aftermath of the break up will be hard, but I bet you will feel so much lighter once you get through the initial hard part, because you will have eliminated a major source of anxiety from your life, i.e. constantly wondering if you're going to hear from this guy when you need him, wondering if you're not hearing from him because you're somehow not good enough, etc. It feels really really nice to all of sudden be able to just concentrate on taking good care of yourself.
One of the ways you can take good care of yourself is by being kind to yourself. Here is a list by David Burns of 10 Common Cognitive Distortions. Or, in other words, it's a list of 10 different ways that we are mean to ourselves inside our heads, and there are some tips for how to fight those habits. I recommend that you give it a look.
posted by colfax at 2:34 AM on November 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
Try and avoid getting into any long discussions about why you want to break up, because it sounds like your boyfriend will try and argue you down. And the truth is: a break-up is a unilateral decision. You don't need him to agree with you in order to break up with him. You don't need him to like the idea and you don't need him to understand why you need to break up with him. So tell him however you're comfortable and then go no contact for a while.
It's hard to break up with someone when they haven't done any huge thing wrong and it's just not working, because it can feel like making a statement: "I am good and worthwhile and I don't need to settle for something just because it's not horrible," and that can be scary if you don't feel particularly good or worthwhile (believe me, I know!). But you are all of those things, and you deserve to take good care of yourself.
And the immediate aftermath of the break up will be hard, but I bet you will feel so much lighter once you get through the initial hard part, because you will have eliminated a major source of anxiety from your life, i.e. constantly wondering if you're going to hear from this guy when you need him, wondering if you're not hearing from him because you're somehow not good enough, etc. It feels really really nice to all of sudden be able to just concentrate on taking good care of yourself.
One of the ways you can take good care of yourself is by being kind to yourself. Here is a list by David Burns of 10 Common Cognitive Distortions. Or, in other words, it's a list of 10 different ways that we are mean to ourselves inside our heads, and there are some tips for how to fight those habits. I recommend that you give it a look.
posted by colfax at 2:34 AM on November 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
I am also bad at doing breakups; I can tell you what has helped me make it stick.
1. Don't explain it. Your reason for breaking up is "I just don't want to be in this relationship any more". There are no further reasons. You probably feel like you owe him a reason: You don't. Giving a reason just invites a big long debate about whether your reasons are good enough, but you don't want to debate this thing, you just want to get it done.
2. Don't feel like you have to do it on the phone or in person, if that means you'll never actually do it.
3. Don't spend ANY of your time or energy trying to make him feel good about it. Nobody feels good about a breakup, but they have to happen anyway. He will just have to suck it up the same way you are doing. If he wants to cry on somebody's shoulder about it, he needs to find somebody else for that, and that's his problem, not yours. The same way, if you want to cry on someone's shoulder about it, you also need to find someone else that isn't him.
4. DO go no-contact, even if you don't want to. If you keep talking to him you'll end up going round and round on this thing. You don't like breakups? OK, then make absolutely sure you'll only have to break up with him once.
5. It is OK to be scared of this. It's OK to be apprehensive. It's OK to feel really bad for a while. But the only way out is through. Feel the fear, nod to it, then get the job done anyway.
6. DO go full tilt at finding new things in your life to fill in the gaps. Not a new boyfriend, but new things to do with yourself.
Some of this contradicts standard breakup advice, but standard breakup advice is not for people in the situation you describe.
posted by emilyw at 3:24 AM on November 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
1. Don't explain it. Your reason for breaking up is "I just don't want to be in this relationship any more". There are no further reasons. You probably feel like you owe him a reason: You don't. Giving a reason just invites a big long debate about whether your reasons are good enough, but you don't want to debate this thing, you just want to get it done.
2. Don't feel like you have to do it on the phone or in person, if that means you'll never actually do it.
3. Don't spend ANY of your time or energy trying to make him feel good about it. Nobody feels good about a breakup, but they have to happen anyway. He will just have to suck it up the same way you are doing. If he wants to cry on somebody's shoulder about it, he needs to find somebody else for that, and that's his problem, not yours. The same way, if you want to cry on someone's shoulder about it, you also need to find someone else that isn't him.
4. DO go no-contact, even if you don't want to. If you keep talking to him you'll end up going round and round on this thing. You don't like breakups? OK, then make absolutely sure you'll only have to break up with him once.
5. It is OK to be scared of this. It's OK to be apprehensive. It's OK to feel really bad for a while. But the only way out is through. Feel the fear, nod to it, then get the job done anyway.
6. DO go full tilt at finding new things in your life to fill in the gaps. Not a new boyfriend, but new things to do with yourself.
Some of this contradicts standard breakup advice, but standard breakup advice is not for people in the situation you describe.
posted by emilyw at 3:24 AM on November 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
The good thing is, it's already over - you know it, he knows it (which is why he's not talking to you), you're both just waiting for one of you to verbalise it. So good on you for having the ovaries your ex (see what I did there...?) lacks. Ok, so now you're just confirming what both of you know. That's not scary at all, right?
Call him and tell him it's clear you're not in a relationship anymore because of lack of care, contact, whatever your issues are (don't go into huge detail, it's not important anymore, just that it's over) and you're just calling to acknowledge the elephant in the room and free both of you to move on. You're both done, clearly, and it's over. OVER.
Don't leave it open for discussion, don't apologise, don't give him room to argue or explain. He knows what your issues were - he just doesn't care, that's why you're finished. It's too late to wheedle his way back in, so don't give him the airtime to even attempt it.
Thank him for the memories, tell him any details he will need to know to exchange belongings if necessary, hang up and then go out and grab a cocktail, and whoop, you're done.
It should basically be a monologue from you - which sounds cruel, but let's face it, you've rehashed this before, it's an old record. So pull off the bandaid, and it will be five minutes of stress and then over. You can do five minutes, right? Great. Now go.
posted by Jubey at 4:12 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Call him and tell him it's clear you're not in a relationship anymore because of lack of care, contact, whatever your issues are (don't go into huge detail, it's not important anymore, just that it's over) and you're just calling to acknowledge the elephant in the room and free both of you to move on. You're both done, clearly, and it's over. OVER.
Don't leave it open for discussion, don't apologise, don't give him room to argue or explain. He knows what your issues were - he just doesn't care, that's why you're finished. It's too late to wheedle his way back in, so don't give him the airtime to even attempt it.
Thank him for the memories, tell him any details he will need to know to exchange belongings if necessary, hang up and then go out and grab a cocktail, and whoop, you're done.
It should basically be a monologue from you - which sounds cruel, but let's face it, you've rehashed this before, it's an old record. So pull off the bandaid, and it will be five minutes of stress and then over. You can do five minutes, right? Great. Now go.
posted by Jubey at 4:12 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Try not to mourn "sunk investments." There is light ahead, and you will eventually be able to re-phrase them as "lessons learned," which turns them into future investments. Nothing is lost.
posted by Namlit at 4:19 AM on November 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Namlit at 4:19 AM on November 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
You totally deserve better than this. My LDR it turned out was a good way to hold off having to have a real relationship that involved being in the same place (I know LDRs are for different reasons, but what someone said above: you're usually at least trying to move to the same physical space). It was useful to me to have someone around and have someone to write to and send stuff to and all that, but actually I wanted and deserved more than that. I did the thing, I just said it's not working, it's not what is good for either of us, time to go. I instigated no contact and that was hard. I also allowed myself one weekend of rolling on the floor wailing, then I was not permitted to do that any more.
You will feel better. I had some time alone, then got a new boyfriend (who was a bit less far away ha ha but still far) and then I found my husband and I was 29 and so was he and we bought a house and lived together for years and married at 42 and we are happy together. So that does happen.
Good luck! You CAN do it and claim the happies and what you need.
posted by LyzzyBee at 4:25 AM on November 2, 2015
You will feel better. I had some time alone, then got a new boyfriend (who was a bit less far away ha ha but still far) and then I found my husband and I was 29 and so was he and we bought a house and lived together for years and married at 42 and we are happy together. So that does happen.
Good luck! You CAN do it and claim the happies and what you need.
posted by LyzzyBee at 4:25 AM on November 2, 2015
When I was 23 I was long distance with my all-of-college boyfriend. The relationship had been "over" for a very long time, but not over-over, because of all of the same reasons you have.
So finally I called him to break up with him. He cried, said he knew he was a bad boyfriend, promised to work on it, begged me to take him back, scheduled a trip back to visit me in a few weeks. Ok, OK, no breakup, we'll work on this.
He visited, dodged me the entire time (couldn't make time to see me when he was across the street staying with a friend), then called me as he was boarding his flight home (so I couldn't call back) and did the straight to voicemail dial (so my phone wouldn't ring and I couldn't talk to him) and broke up with me. Over voicemail. After avoiding me for days and doing everything he could not to be broken up with first.
That's how a wimp deals with this. You're not a wimp, you're making plans to confront this and deal with it now.
Your relationship is over. You know it and he k knows it. Call him, text him, email him, Skype him, however you want to do it, but the only thing you need to say is "this isn't working anymore. We should break up." Then the conversation can end right there if you need it to. It's not a discussion, it's a declaration. Your relationship has been over for a while and he knows it, too. It's not going to be a surprise.
posted by phunniemee at 4:58 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
So finally I called him to break up with him. He cried, said he knew he was a bad boyfriend, promised to work on it, begged me to take him back, scheduled a trip back to visit me in a few weeks. Ok, OK, no breakup, we'll work on this.
He visited, dodged me the entire time (couldn't make time to see me when he was across the street staying with a friend), then called me as he was boarding his flight home (so I couldn't call back) and did the straight to voicemail dial (so my phone wouldn't ring and I couldn't talk to him) and broke up with me. Over voicemail. After avoiding me for days and doing everything he could not to be broken up with first.
That's how a wimp deals with this. You're not a wimp, you're making plans to confront this and deal with it now.
Your relationship is over. You know it and he k knows it. Call him, text him, email him, Skype him, however you want to do it, but the only thing you need to say is "this isn't working anymore. We should break up." Then the conversation can end right there if you need it to. It's not a discussion, it's a declaration. Your relationship has been over for a while and he knows it, too. It's not going to be a surprise.
posted by phunniemee at 4:58 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Maybe try thinking of it along these lines: even if the relationship were perfect in other respects, the long distance thing apparently isn't working for you. People break up all the time just for that reason. It sounds like there are other things going on, which might also be going on if you lived together, but really the fact that it's long distance with no end in sight is a sufficient reason to break up. In your shoes, I would be emphasizing that, as opposed to other problems in the relationship. I wouldn't put it quite the way I have here, especially the bit about no end in sight, in case he decides what you really want is for him to move to be with you. I don't think that is what you want. You want out of this relationship. The relationship doesn't really exist apart from being long-distance, the way that the two of you do long distance. Just not working.
I would also suggest not telling him you're doing it for both of your sakes-- although I think ultimately it will be good for him too. You don't need him to agree with you right now.
I know about this from experience and watching a lot of friends for years while working in academia. Lots of long distance couples, some of them working out fine but a lot of them, not so much. The alternatives to admitting right now that this isn't working out are mostly not pretty. People having affairs, leaving each other for other people. Or what happened to a friend of mine: realizing his partner never wanted to live with him and just wanted a nominal partner out there somewhere so he could functionally be alone. Nothing wrong with that scenario if you both agree with it, but my friend had not. He just new that his partner kept turning down jobs that would mean living together, or at least closer. These kinds of scenarios lead to lack of respect for each other and for yourself. Get out and avoid all that nonsense. You'll be fine.
posted by BibiRose at 4:58 AM on November 2, 2015
I would also suggest not telling him you're doing it for both of your sakes-- although I think ultimately it will be good for him too. You don't need him to agree with you right now.
I know about this from experience and watching a lot of friends for years while working in academia. Lots of long distance couples, some of them working out fine but a lot of them, not so much. The alternatives to admitting right now that this isn't working out are mostly not pretty. People having affairs, leaving each other for other people. Or what happened to a friend of mine: realizing his partner never wanted to live with him and just wanted a nominal partner out there somewhere so he could functionally be alone. Nothing wrong with that scenario if you both agree with it, but my friend had not. He just new that his partner kept turning down jobs that would mean living together, or at least closer. These kinds of scenarios lead to lack of respect for each other and for yourself. Get out and avoid all that nonsense. You'll be fine.
posted by BibiRose at 4:58 AM on November 2, 2015
I'm in an LDR with no current plausible together date, for various reasons. But both of us are still happy to be in the relationship (even if we aren't happy about the things that keep us living on different continents). We talk at least an hour a day while still living our own separate full lives in our respective locations; the relationship gives me strength rather than sapping me of it.
That isn't your situation. In your situation, it doesn't really matter that this is an LDR; what matters is that you don't want to be in the relationship any more (and neither does he, according to his lack of interaction with you). So the best thing to do is end it as soon as possible. It doesn't need to be any which way (I've been dumped before via online chat-- and for various reasons, that was actually a good thing). It is a kindness to do it quickly, now that you've made the decision-- a kindness to both of you.
Do what you need to do, and get out, go no contact, and heal. Go live your life for yourself again.
posted by nat at 5:01 AM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
That isn't your situation. In your situation, it doesn't really matter that this is an LDR; what matters is that you don't want to be in the relationship any more (and neither does he, according to his lack of interaction with you). So the best thing to do is end it as soon as possible. It doesn't need to be any which way (I've been dumped before via online chat-- and for various reasons, that was actually a good thing). It is a kindness to do it quickly, now that you've made the decision-- a kindness to both of you.
Do what you need to do, and get out, go no contact, and heal. Go live your life for yourself again.
posted by nat at 5:01 AM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's OK to hate breaking up with someone, but just to offer another POV that might make it a little easier for you. Despite his obvious attempts to do a slow fade, imagine if he does have some residual feelings left for you, imagine how much worse he'd feel if he found you you strung him along for however long by not breaking up with him. It's like ripping off a bandaid, it's going to hurt both of you either way.
You don't owe him a pain free relationship so don't feel guilty. What you owe anyone you've had a relationship with (and yourself) is to handle the situation as kindly as possible with a quick clean drama free break up.
posted by wwax at 6:49 AM on November 2, 2015
You don't owe him a pain free relationship so don't feel guilty. What you owe anyone you've had a relationship with (and yourself) is to handle the situation as kindly as possible with a quick clean drama free break up.
posted by wwax at 6:49 AM on November 2, 2015
I don't know how to approach it, what to do, what to say, or how to say it.
Don't worry about the 'right' way to do this. The right way is the way that will get this job done. In person or on the phone -- who cares? Whatever makes it easier for you to do this. This needs to happen.
I don't see anything wrong with an email along the lines of "This relationship hasn't worked for a long time already. I'm calling it quits. Good luck to you, and all the best."
Short, to the point, and firm. Seeing this guy's habit of avoidance, I think this should do. He might complain on his end, but -- not your problem.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:51 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Don't worry about the 'right' way to do this. The right way is the way that will get this job done. In person or on the phone -- who cares? Whatever makes it easier for you to do this. This needs to happen.
I don't see anything wrong with an email along the lines of "This relationship hasn't worked for a long time already. I'm calling it quits. Good luck to you, and all the best."
Short, to the point, and firm. Seeing this guy's habit of avoidance, I think this should do. He might complain on his end, but -- not your problem.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:51 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Hey, I think it's time for us to stop doing this, and I'm pretty sure you agree but nobody wants to go first. So, thank you for everything, I'm sorry it sucked at the end, I wish you well."
You don't have to be assertive about your needs because you're not asking him to do anything (at least not anything he's not already doing, which is not talking to you). Your "needs" is one simple choice: not doing this anymore. It's not negotiable. You make a decision about YOUR life.
Email it, text it, say it on the phone, whatever.
You will feel so much better the moment it's done.
And...so will he. Stop inventing a narrative in which he wanders aimlessly through cemeteries for the rest of his life, sighing heavily about never being able to love again. Life is full of disappointment, you breaking up with him at the end of a mediocre relationship might ding his pride for a minute but probably won't even be the worst thing to happen to him this quarter.
Stop telling yourself about sunk investments and start telling yourself about lessons learned. Hug the shit out of those lessons, be grateful to him for teaching you a whole lot about what you don't want in a relationship, and then use what you've learned to move forward in your life.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:17 AM on November 2, 2015 [13 favorites]
You don't have to be assertive about your needs because you're not asking him to do anything (at least not anything he's not already doing, which is not talking to you). Your "needs" is one simple choice: not doing this anymore. It's not negotiable. You make a decision about YOUR life.
Email it, text it, say it on the phone, whatever.
You will feel so much better the moment it's done.
And...so will he. Stop inventing a narrative in which he wanders aimlessly through cemeteries for the rest of his life, sighing heavily about never being able to love again. Life is full of disappointment, you breaking up with him at the end of a mediocre relationship might ding his pride for a minute but probably won't even be the worst thing to happen to him this quarter.
Stop telling yourself about sunk investments and start telling yourself about lessons learned. Hug the shit out of those lessons, be grateful to him for teaching you a whole lot about what you don't want in a relationship, and then use what you've learned to move forward in your life.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:17 AM on November 2, 2015 [13 favorites]
- Why do you want to keep him as an internet friend? Is that reasonable or healthy?
- You live long distance and already do not see each other and he can go days/weeks without contact...
I'm sorry to tell you, you're already broken up and are only "internet friends."
I think what you are contemplating is getting off the internet and refocusing and re-engaging with the world you can touch, taste, and see. I know getting involved with life around you can be scary when you've been otherwise absorbed. I think you go slowly, small doses of people and the outside world.
As for this guy you've been in a virtual relationship with? I mean, I don't know what his reasons are, but he's mostly checked out. I'm pretty sure you could send a short email, then do a fade, divert his calls, texts, emails.... Just become unavailable. Like he is.
I'm not being flippant. I want you to stop wasting your time and energy just like you want for yourself. Let this internet activity go. Engage elsewhere. No big drama or detailed explanation necessary. This guy already knows what's up. You're OK and doing the right thing.
posted by jbenben at 7:24 AM on November 2, 2015 [11 favorites]
- You live long distance and already do not see each other and he can go days/weeks without contact...
I'm sorry to tell you, you're already broken up and are only "internet friends."
I think what you are contemplating is getting off the internet and refocusing and re-engaging with the world you can touch, taste, and see. I know getting involved with life around you can be scary when you've been otherwise absorbed. I think you go slowly, small doses of people and the outside world.
As for this guy you've been in a virtual relationship with? I mean, I don't know what his reasons are, but he's mostly checked out. I'm pretty sure you could send a short email, then do a fade, divert his calls, texts, emails.... Just become unavailable. Like he is.
I'm not being flippant. I want you to stop wasting your time and energy just like you want for yourself. Let this internet activity go. Engage elsewhere. No big drama or detailed explanation necessary. This guy already knows what's up. You're OK and doing the right thing.
posted by jbenben at 7:24 AM on November 2, 2015 [11 favorites]
Seconding jbenben. You're already "broken up". Just stop answering if he initiates something. I think the most important thing here is to get settled in your own mind and you're mostly there.
posted by Sublimity at 8:22 AM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Sublimity at 8:22 AM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
he pulls the "I knew I'm a terrible boyfriend and I work too much" card and I am SUCH a wimp and hate the idea of hurting him that I fell for it.
Just to make you feel better about this part of it, I doubt you are actually hurting him. It sounds like you've been pretty clear about your needs (saying goodnight etc.) and if he wanted to be a better boyfriend, he would be doing more to meet them. He's not making you a priority and you deserve better. The "I know I'm terrible" schtick is just that, his ridiculous attempt at not being called out for being the bad boyfriend he has chosen to be.
Don't be manipulated any more. End it by e-mail or SMS if you need to, but end it and get on with your life.
posted by rpfields at 9:18 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Just to make you feel better about this part of it, I doubt you are actually hurting him. It sounds like you've been pretty clear about your needs (saying goodnight etc.) and if he wanted to be a better boyfriend, he would be doing more to meet them. He's not making you a priority and you deserve better. The "I know I'm terrible" schtick is just that, his ridiculous attempt at not being called out for being the bad boyfriend he has chosen to be.
Don't be manipulated any more. End it by e-mail or SMS if you need to, but end it and get on with your life.
posted by rpfields at 9:18 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Seconding jbenben. You're already "broken up". Just stop answering if he initiates something. I think the most important thing here is to get settled in your own mind and you're mostly there.
I partially disagree. That is, I agree the romantic relationship has actually ended, but I think there is still some value in formally notifying him of that. That way, both people clearly understand the relationship is done, and you can both get involved with other people without feeling like you are in any sense cheating on the other person. He is being so distant that it wouldn't be that surprising if it turned out he was already seeing someone else, but you've turned away from other opportunities so I think a formal "breakup" would help you move on guilt-free. (He may respond with a relieved confession about his new girlfriend.)
posted by Area Man at 1:59 PM on November 2, 2015
I partially disagree. That is, I agree the romantic relationship has actually ended, but I think there is still some value in formally notifying him of that. That way, both people clearly understand the relationship is done, and you can both get involved with other people without feeling like you are in any sense cheating on the other person. He is being so distant that it wouldn't be that surprising if it turned out he was already seeing someone else, but you've turned away from other opportunities so I think a formal "breakup" would help you move on guilt-free. (He may respond with a relieved confession about his new girlfriend.)
posted by Area Man at 1:59 PM on November 2, 2015
Write down a sentence that will, when you say it to him, unambiguously mean "we're done" to you. Have one stiff drink, call him, say whatever you need to to get to that sentence, then say it. Do not hang up until you've said it. Flail around if you need to but promise yourself it'll be said aloud.
Then finish the call, burn the paper, and go enjoy life. It's very short.
posted by ead at 4:10 PM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Then finish the call, burn the paper, and go enjoy life. It's very short.
posted by ead at 4:10 PM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh, and no contact for six months in case you backslide.
posted by ead at 4:11 PM on November 2, 2015
posted by ead at 4:11 PM on November 2, 2015
Response by poster: I wanted to thank you all for the wonderful replies. They've really helped me come to terms with this. I cried while reading them and I'm realizing I deserve better than this situation I'm in. I'm planning on sending him a message later this week. I'll keep reading these replies to remind me that I can do it. Thank you all so much. ♥
posted by Owlie at 7:47 AM on November 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Owlie at 7:47 AM on November 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
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Also, DON'T OBSESS OVER HIM BEING HURT, because he clearly hasn't given you the same consideration for a long time. You say he's a good friend, but he sure doesn't sound like one. Being a shitty boyfriend isn't just incidental here. He's a fair-weather friend at best - he's there for himself and not for you. He won't talk to you more than once a week? He's being an asshole! And he's treating you really badly. The only person you need to worry about is yourself, because you deserve so much better than this.
I used to think my ex would make a great friend I talked to every so often, and I worried that I was going to hurt someone who didn't deserve it. It wasn't until after we'd broken up that I realized exactly how badly she treated me. I don't know you or your boyfriend, but what you're describing is an awful situation, one he is solely responsible for, and that's something no one should have to put up with.
Breaking up is hard. Breaking up with my ex was hard. But it was incredibly freeing. As time went on I came to see how badly she'd treated me, and how much better off I was. Don't delay something good because you're scared of hurting the person who has been routinely ignoring and hurting you. Let it out. And then call some friends, treat yourself to whatever you want, and celebrate - you can finally give yourself the time this jerk wouldn't give you.
posted by teponaztli at 12:43 AM on November 2, 2015 [8 favorites]