Help me get through this visit
October 26, 2015 8:10 AM Subscribe
Competitive sister coming for a week. Still have sibling rivalry. Help.
I compare myself to my older sister and come up short - especially when it comes to parenting. She had a dream child, was sleeping through the night at 3 months. I am sick of hearing from my mother how my sister did it, as though she were the gold standard. My kid has some stomach issues and colic and is just a different person. My family has a nasty habit of dissecting each other behind each other's back. My mom came to visit my baby and was full of "well your sister does it like this..." Makes me lose confidence.
To make it worse my sister is bossy and opnionated - I asked her for some small help with wedding planning and she tried to take over "well how I see it happening is..." Not your wedding lady. I think she wanted a do-over wedding. She even wanted me to wear her dress. She wanted to pick the destination. "You don't want it here because..." Needless to say I axed her from helping. I think she perpetually sees me as the dumb younger sister who needs her guidance. Not a capable adult. Certainly not someone with her own valid opinions.
Now this sibling rivalry is threatening to extend to our kids - for Halloween she wanted her kid to dress as something where my kid is the one that is helpless loser in the scenario. I pointed out that she got the fairy tale wrong, for it to work my kid would have to be the hero based on her kid's costume and she clammed up. Also her kid was so much easier at the same age. I'm worried she's going to criticize my methods when she comes. She's the cry it out type whereas me & my fiancé are more softies. So of course her kid slept through the night whereas mine is a snugglebug who doesn't want to be put down. Her kid was so independent and secure. And I'm worried she'll just create a list of my flaws so she can dissect me with my mother, dig into my psyche and how I'm fucking up my kid. Because her kid turned out perfect and mine is all over the place (3months old).
I know this sounds petty. As kids I was definitely favored and our parents compared us constantly. As adults my dad full on said he loved me best. It made me angry - I've never really gotten along with my sister. Once my sister did admit that she constantly feels lesser than me.
She's not going to change but how do I get rid of this sibling rivalry for good? How do I not engage when she starts up?
I compare myself to my older sister and come up short - especially when it comes to parenting. She had a dream child, was sleeping through the night at 3 months. I am sick of hearing from my mother how my sister did it, as though she were the gold standard. My kid has some stomach issues and colic and is just a different person. My family has a nasty habit of dissecting each other behind each other's back. My mom came to visit my baby and was full of "well your sister does it like this..." Makes me lose confidence.
To make it worse my sister is bossy and opnionated - I asked her for some small help with wedding planning and she tried to take over "well how I see it happening is..." Not your wedding lady. I think she wanted a do-over wedding. She even wanted me to wear her dress. She wanted to pick the destination. "You don't want it here because..." Needless to say I axed her from helping. I think she perpetually sees me as the dumb younger sister who needs her guidance. Not a capable adult. Certainly not someone with her own valid opinions.
Now this sibling rivalry is threatening to extend to our kids - for Halloween she wanted her kid to dress as something where my kid is the one that is helpless loser in the scenario. I pointed out that she got the fairy tale wrong, for it to work my kid would have to be the hero based on her kid's costume and she clammed up. Also her kid was so much easier at the same age. I'm worried she's going to criticize my methods when she comes. She's the cry it out type whereas me & my fiancé are more softies. So of course her kid slept through the night whereas mine is a snugglebug who doesn't want to be put down. Her kid was so independent and secure. And I'm worried she'll just create a list of my flaws so she can dissect me with my mother, dig into my psyche and how I'm fucking up my kid. Because her kid turned out perfect and mine is all over the place (3months old).
I know this sounds petty. As kids I was definitely favored and our parents compared us constantly. As adults my dad full on said he loved me best. It made me angry - I've never really gotten along with my sister. Once my sister did admit that she constantly feels lesser than me.
She's not going to change but how do I get rid of this sibling rivalry for good? How do I not engage when she starts up?
Best answer: You can't do anything about this:
And I'm worried she'll just create a list of my flaws so she can dissect me with my mother, dig into my psyche and how I'm fucking up my kid.
because you have no control over how nasty other people are. So just accept she's going to do it, embrace that it will happen and that you are better than her for not participating. Let one of your "flaws" be "refuses to play my petty little pissing contest games."
Just say "okay" when she offers her opinions, and then keep on doing what you're doing.
Alternate A: instead of "okay", say "I'm doing a good job." That's it. Say it pleasantly, but don't offer any handholds for her to clutch at. "I'm doing a good job at being a mom. My kid is doing a good job at being a kid."
Alternate B: this is a little insidious, but comfort her every time she offers you unwanted advice or tries to intervene, as if what she's actually saying is "I'm afraid I'm not doing a good job." When she says, "Well, WE don't ever go back in after ours goes down," say, "I'm sure she'll be fine, many people do it that way. You're doing a good job." (Or just "You're doing a good job" if you're not as mean as I am.)
I've stolen the "You're doing a good job" mantra from the One Bad Mother podcast, but it really is a magical phrase. I recently observed that pretty much every unpleasant interaction people have is rooted in anxiety, and I've been using it at work a lot to soothe both myself and flustered users to de-escalate tense situations.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:24 AM on October 26, 2015 [38 favorites]
And I'm worried she'll just create a list of my flaws so she can dissect me with my mother, dig into my psyche and how I'm fucking up my kid.
because you have no control over how nasty other people are. So just accept she's going to do it, embrace that it will happen and that you are better than her for not participating. Let one of your "flaws" be "refuses to play my petty little pissing contest games."
Just say "okay" when she offers her opinions, and then keep on doing what you're doing.
Alternate A: instead of "okay", say "I'm doing a good job." That's it. Say it pleasantly, but don't offer any handholds for her to clutch at. "I'm doing a good job at being a mom. My kid is doing a good job at being a kid."
Alternate B: this is a little insidious, but comfort her every time she offers you unwanted advice or tries to intervene, as if what she's actually saying is "I'm afraid I'm not doing a good job." When she says, "Well, WE don't ever go back in after ours goes down," say, "I'm sure she'll be fine, many people do it that way. You're doing a good job." (Or just "You're doing a good job" if you're not as mean as I am.)
I've stolen the "You're doing a good job" mantra from the One Bad Mother podcast, but it really is a magical phrase. I recently observed that pretty much every unpleasant interaction people have is rooted in anxiety, and I've been using it at work a lot to soothe both myself and flustered users to de-escalate tense situations.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:24 AM on October 26, 2015 [38 favorites]
Best answer: I know this sounds petty. As kids I was definitely favored and our parents compared us constantly. As adults my dad full on said he loved me best. It made me angry - I've never really gotten along with my sister. Once my sister did admit that she constantly feels lesser than me.
While it's not an excuse for your sister being obnoxious, this is a pretty big deal. I have two sibling near-relatives, A and B, where A casually mentioned to me that A knew their parents had always loved A best. And suddenly their whole fucked-up relationship - the coldness and weirdness from B - came into focus for me. I was surprised that A didn't think it was a big thing.
In addition to the good practical advice that's coming in, maybe take a little time to really sit with the idea that at an intensely vulnerable time in childhood, your sister was set up to feel not only that your relationship was a competition but that she was always going to lose. Try to imagine how deeply this probably affected her - at levels she can't really control or access. Try to see what she's doing as - in part - a kid's attempt to claw her way onto your level, just so that she can feel that she's as good as you. Maybe see all these obnoxious bullshit things she does as the actions of someone who feels that she is weaker than you - not as the actions of someone who is stronger and likes to bully.
It's really sad that your parents did this. Maybe trying to remind yourself of how your parents set you up to relate to her this way would help? Now she's trying to get in with your parents based on taking you down - but that wouldn't be happening if your parents hadn't created this feeling of inequality to begin with.
Maybe when she does this nonsense, say to yourself "she is doing this because she feels inferior, not because what I do needs fixing"?
posted by Frowner at 8:34 AM on October 26, 2015 [35 favorites]
While it's not an excuse for your sister being obnoxious, this is a pretty big deal. I have two sibling near-relatives, A and B, where A casually mentioned to me that A knew their parents had always loved A best. And suddenly their whole fucked-up relationship - the coldness and weirdness from B - came into focus for me. I was surprised that A didn't think it was a big thing.
In addition to the good practical advice that's coming in, maybe take a little time to really sit with the idea that at an intensely vulnerable time in childhood, your sister was set up to feel not only that your relationship was a competition but that she was always going to lose. Try to imagine how deeply this probably affected her - at levels she can't really control or access. Try to see what she's doing as - in part - a kid's attempt to claw her way onto your level, just so that she can feel that she's as good as you. Maybe see all these obnoxious bullshit things she does as the actions of someone who feels that she is weaker than you - not as the actions of someone who is stronger and likes to bully.
It's really sad that your parents did this. Maybe trying to remind yourself of how your parents set you up to relate to her this way would help? Now she's trying to get in with your parents based on taking you down - but that wouldn't be happening if your parents hadn't created this feeling of inequality to begin with.
Maybe when she does this nonsense, say to yourself "she is doing this because she feels inferior, not because what I do needs fixing"?
posted by Frowner at 8:34 AM on October 26, 2015 [35 favorites]
You don't have to host or hang out with or talk to people who are assholes to you, even if they are family. If you are trying to figure out how to protect yourself from toxic people in a post-partum vulnerable time, it's time to reconsider the relationship.
posted by studioaudience at 8:34 AM on October 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by studioaudience at 8:34 AM on October 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
Why is your sister coming to visit? Why is she staying for a week? This sounds like torture.
I've found that certain situations bring out the worst in my brother (who clearly feels lesser than me, no thanks to our parents). He is constantly trying to make himself look smarter and more accomplished in front of our parents, even though they give him way more lenience than they do to me. So, for example, he's much worse when we're all together, and even worse when he is demonstrating something he excels at (cooking, etc.) in front of them, and THE WORST when he is trying to be part of a conversation where I clearly know more but don't care, whereas he wants to show off how he doesn't care but doesn't actually have the background.
The worst part is that I genuinely don't care and wish that he would just loosen the hell up. He IS better than I am at certain things. I DO suck at certain things. He's been told for his entire life that I am the queen of academic pursuits, and I had a B- average and skipped one of my high school classes for over a month.
So:
1. Focus on what you DO like about each other and have in common, or things that she genuinely can do for you more easily than you can do for yourself. Make her feel good, so she doesn't feel bad and start focusing on ways to make you feel bad.
2. Focus on the fact that this is coming from her own insecurity. Gosh, that must be tough to live with all the time! How unfortunate that she has to make other people feel insecure to feel better about herself and her own choices. Poor thing. (Don't do this one out loud.)
Better yet, bring her into the conversation and be honest about it. "Look, I know we had a rough time growing up, but things weren't great for me, either. I felt bad when X happened and it put you in an awkward spot. That was shitty, and it's not okay. I acknowledge that you feel bad, and I hope things will be better, and I'll do my best to make things better from here out." Because your sister isn't the enemy here; it's the actions that made her feel like a lesser person, not necessarily something YOU did. (If you can unite against your parents' bad behavior or some other force of crap, that's sometimes helpful, but that's another ballgame entirely.)
3. Don't get into these one-on-ones in the future, if you can help it. Meet on neutral ground, or at her house, or anywhere where it's not you and your perceived weaknesses on display. Or just don't meet, period. Take a break. Communicate in different ways.
4. Accept that no matter how much you want to have a certain kind of relationship, it's not going to happen (or it's not going to happen now). It's okay to grieve that. I wish my mom, in particular, were a different person; she continually says that she wants things to be comfortable and welcoming for me and my family, but it never happens. Never will. So I recognize that, and I cry about it sometimes, but I am self reliant, and anything more than that is gravy.
posted by St. Hubbins at 8:38 AM on October 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I've found that certain situations bring out the worst in my brother (who clearly feels lesser than me, no thanks to our parents). He is constantly trying to make himself look smarter and more accomplished in front of our parents, even though they give him way more lenience than they do to me. So, for example, he's much worse when we're all together, and even worse when he is demonstrating something he excels at (cooking, etc.) in front of them, and THE WORST when he is trying to be part of a conversation where I clearly know more but don't care, whereas he wants to show off how he doesn't care but doesn't actually have the background.
The worst part is that I genuinely don't care and wish that he would just loosen the hell up. He IS better than I am at certain things. I DO suck at certain things. He's been told for his entire life that I am the queen of academic pursuits, and I had a B- average and skipped one of my high school classes for over a month.
So:
1. Focus on what you DO like about each other and have in common, or things that she genuinely can do for you more easily than you can do for yourself. Make her feel good, so she doesn't feel bad and start focusing on ways to make you feel bad.
2. Focus on the fact that this is coming from her own insecurity. Gosh, that must be tough to live with all the time! How unfortunate that she has to make other people feel insecure to feel better about herself and her own choices. Poor thing. (Don't do this one out loud.)
Better yet, bring her into the conversation and be honest about it. "Look, I know we had a rough time growing up, but things weren't great for me, either. I felt bad when X happened and it put you in an awkward spot. That was shitty, and it's not okay. I acknowledge that you feel bad, and I hope things will be better, and I'll do my best to make things better from here out." Because your sister isn't the enemy here; it's the actions that made her feel like a lesser person, not necessarily something YOU did. (If you can unite against your parents' bad behavior or some other force of crap, that's sometimes helpful, but that's another ballgame entirely.)
3. Don't get into these one-on-ones in the future, if you can help it. Meet on neutral ground, or at her house, or anywhere where it's not you and your perceived weaknesses on display. Or just don't meet, period. Take a break. Communicate in different ways.
4. Accept that no matter how much you want to have a certain kind of relationship, it's not going to happen (or it's not going to happen now). It's okay to grieve that. I wish my mom, in particular, were a different person; she continually says that she wants things to be comfortable and welcoming for me and my family, but it never happens. Never will. So I recognize that, and I cry about it sometimes, but I am self reliant, and anything more than that is gravy.
posted by St. Hubbins at 8:38 AM on October 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
One of the consolations of having a child of your own is that you have a new family, now. This is the center, the family of origin for your child. How you treat your child is what matters, not how his cousin sleeps or even how his grandmother compares the two. There are many practical ways you can stave off old feelings of rage and competition. But the only major thing that can create a major internal change that will just drain the charge out of your mother's comparisons and your sister's insecure one-upmanship is reminding yourself that you, your child and your fiancee are THE family, and the rest is extended family who you love but are not who are not in a position of emotional power anymore. Because they are no longer your actual, real family. This one is.
(At the same time, don't underestimate the negative impact of being favored -- that too makes it harder to break the competitive framework. Just notice it, and know where your feelings came from, and bring your attention back to your new family's needs. )
posted by flourpot at 8:49 AM on October 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
(At the same time, don't underestimate the negative impact of being favored -- that too makes it harder to break the competitive framework. Just notice it, and know where your feelings came from, and bring your attention back to your new family's needs. )
posted by flourpot at 8:49 AM on October 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
I understand the desire to give non-specific, non-committal answers to pushy, non-helpful, hurtful family members, but I actually think it's important to be a bit more explicit about what is unacceptable to you in terms of behavior. It's just not okay for your family to continually talk to you in a way that is hurtful and they have to be told, very clearly, that it's not okay and they have to stop immediately.
I think it would be better for you to politely and dispassionately let your sister know that her advice, suggestions, comments are hurtful and unhelpful and you don't want to be treated that way. You could say something like...
I appreciate your desire to help with suggestion X, but your suggestion/advice is not helpful and your tone is actually hurtful. I do not want you to give unsolicited advice to me anymore. If I want your opinion on something, I will ask for it. Thank you.
That's what to do if you don't really want to try to change things or don't think your sister can change.
However, if you do want to have a closer, more loving relationship with your sister, then you should do as St. Hubbins advises and try to cut through the surface to get at what has led to this unhealthy dynamic between you two.
posted by brookeb at 8:51 AM on October 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think it would be better for you to politely and dispassionately let your sister know that her advice, suggestions, comments are hurtful and unhelpful and you don't want to be treated that way. You could say something like...
I appreciate your desire to help with suggestion X, but your suggestion/advice is not helpful and your tone is actually hurtful. I do not want you to give unsolicited advice to me anymore. If I want your opinion on something, I will ask for it. Thank you.
That's what to do if you don't really want to try to change things or don't think your sister can change.
However, if you do want to have a closer, more loving relationship with your sister, then you should do as St. Hubbins advises and try to cut through the surface to get at what has led to this unhealthy dynamic between you two.
posted by brookeb at 8:51 AM on October 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Kids sleeping through the night at 3 months and kids "being easy" are mostly genetic, or maybe just random, issues. Ask any parent with two or more kids. It's not like we do stuff drastically different from one kid to the next, yet they tend to end up very different little (and later not little) people. If do x and y happens really worked consistently across kids, parenting would be easy.
Parenting isn't easy.
posted by COD at 8:56 AM on October 26, 2015 [11 favorites]
Parenting isn't easy.
posted by COD at 8:56 AM on October 26, 2015 [11 favorites]
I think the thing that will make this visit go smoother is for you to be really nice to your sister. I like the "you're doing a good job" mantra that was suggested above, but I don't think doing it snidely will help either of you. I think if you go out of your way to praise her and her kid, it could defuse the entire competitive situation.
Ask to see some videos/pics of her kid and talk about how praiseworthy she is. If she starts talking about your kid, just switch it back to saying good things about hers. It's a happy subject for her and a neutral one for you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:57 AM on October 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Ask to see some videos/pics of her kid and talk about how praiseworthy she is. If she starts talking about your kid, just switch it back to saying good things about hers. It's a happy subject for her and a neutral one for you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:57 AM on October 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
No help for immediate issue, but the book "siblings without rivalry" is constantly recommended on Metafilter to parents of two. Reading it, I thought it might be eye opening and somewhat therapeutic for adult siblings to read in what way parents often fuck up sibling relationships. There are plenty of people talking about their issues in the book, some of whom managed to talk it out and reconcile.
Maybe it'll help you?
posted by Omnomnom at 9:39 AM on October 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Maybe it'll help you?
posted by Omnomnom at 9:39 AM on October 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
So, on the Halloween costume point, your kid is 3 months old. She literally does not know or care what she is dressed as - the costume is 100% for your benefit and cute pictures. I'd say just pick something YOU like and think is cute, and ignore all the noise. In future years where she's more capable on picking up on any sort of dynamic, you can let her pick the costume herself and just support her in her choice.
More broadly, I wonder if it is at all possible to sit down and have an honest conversation with your sister about all of this. It sounds like it must have been incredibly difficult for her growing up to be the less-favored child and to have a parent openly admitting to loving her less (!!! WTF?!?!?! WHO DOES THIS?). I'm sure she has developed this overly competative persona as a way to try and compensate for the incredibly fucked up dynamics your parents created. Obviously you can't go back and change the childhood you both experienced, but maybe try to have some understanding and forgiveness for your sister...while her actions/words may not always be the best, it seems like at least some of it may be due to circumstances beyond her control. On your end, I would first do your own internal work on not comparing yourself to your sister YOURSELF (from your description, it sounds like you do this a lot, actually). If other people make comments, it will then be easier to brush them off as inconsequetial, since you know "I've got this" and that you and your partner have made intentional choices about how you wish to raise your kid (who I am sure will turn out wonderfully!).
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:00 AM on October 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
More broadly, I wonder if it is at all possible to sit down and have an honest conversation with your sister about all of this. It sounds like it must have been incredibly difficult for her growing up to be the less-favored child and to have a parent openly admitting to loving her less (!!! WTF?!?!?! WHO DOES THIS?). I'm sure she has developed this overly competative persona as a way to try and compensate for the incredibly fucked up dynamics your parents created. Obviously you can't go back and change the childhood you both experienced, but maybe try to have some understanding and forgiveness for your sister...while her actions/words may not always be the best, it seems like at least some of it may be due to circumstances beyond her control. On your end, I would first do your own internal work on not comparing yourself to your sister YOURSELF (from your description, it sounds like you do this a lot, actually). If other people make comments, it will then be easier to brush them off as inconsequetial, since you know "I've got this" and that you and your partner have made intentional choices about how you wish to raise your kid (who I am sure will turn out wonderfully!).
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:00 AM on October 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I can't help with the sibling rivalry problem, but just want to say this: her kid isn't perfect. Your kid isn't a hot mess. You have a baby being a normal baby.
Did I read correctly that you have a three month old? Please, please be extra kind to yourself. Being the parent of an infant is fucking hard. You're not doing anything wrong, and she likely didn't do anything "right" that magically caused her child to sleep through the night.
The relentlessness of caring for an infant makes everything in life harder during that time. Feel free to opt out of anything you want - trick or treating and Halloween costuming included - and don't apologize for it.
posted by pecanpies at 10:06 AM on October 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
Did I read correctly that you have a three month old? Please, please be extra kind to yourself. Being the parent of an infant is fucking hard. You're not doing anything wrong, and she likely didn't do anything "right" that magically caused her child to sleep through the night.
The relentlessness of caring for an infant makes everything in life harder during that time. Feel free to opt out of anything you want - trick or treating and Halloween costuming included - and don't apologize for it.
posted by pecanpies at 10:06 AM on October 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
There's some good advice here about how not to engage, but I would also say don't a) ask for help with anything fraught with emotions like your wedding and b) don't overly explain anything, as you did with the Halloween costumes. Instead of telling her why the costumes wouldn't work, just say "no thanks, we're going with this."
The more you try to explain or justify, the more entrenched she will become.
posted by lyssabee at 10:11 AM on October 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
The more you try to explain or justify, the more entrenched she will become.
posted by lyssabee at 10:11 AM on October 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
Relative visits are weird; there's a lot of below-the-surface "Behold I have succeeded!" or "Please don't mention the ways in which I have not been successful." It can be exhausting.
You may not have the energy to try to reach out to your sister and make her realize she doesn't have to act this way, and that may be a lost cause. Mostly you have to get through this week, and right now your anxiety and resentment is kicking in. Also you have a three month old. You are tired.
Perhaps you can use that to your advantage. Lean on your spouse to entertain her when things get tense "Sorry, I have to go nap with the baby/catch up on my sleep. See you in a few hours."
It's ok to play dumb/act uncomprehending when she tries to start something/pull you in to the "who is best" game. "Sorry, I've got mommy-brain, not really up for heavy discussions right now. Let's watch TV/eat dinner."
Evade, avoid, refuse to engage, walk away when you have to. It will probably frustrate her, but if she yells at you for refusing to fight with her, she ends up being the problem, not you.
posted by emjaybee at 12:52 PM on October 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
You may not have the energy to try to reach out to your sister and make her realize she doesn't have to act this way, and that may be a lost cause. Mostly you have to get through this week, and right now your anxiety and resentment is kicking in. Also you have a three month old. You are tired.
Perhaps you can use that to your advantage. Lean on your spouse to entertain her when things get tense "Sorry, I have to go nap with the baby/catch up on my sleep. See you in a few hours."
It's ok to play dumb/act uncomprehending when she tries to start something/pull you in to the "who is best" game. "Sorry, I've got mommy-brain, not really up for heavy discussions right now. Let's watch TV/eat dinner."
Evade, avoid, refuse to engage, walk away when you have to. It will probably frustrate her, but if she yells at you for refusing to fight with her, she ends up being the problem, not you.
posted by emjaybee at 12:52 PM on October 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I feel like there's a lot of inferiority here, that they pushed upon you growing up and you willingly took. It's not your fault; it's a pattern that your family and sister have been repeating their whole life.
Look. Your sister isn't perfect, and her baby isn't perfect. For one thing, you already know your sister feels superior and is haughty about it; that's not perfection talking -- that's insecurity. She does it because her life isn't perfect, so she feels the need to point out your flaws and compare herself to you to make herself feel better. Perfect, or rather, healthy stable people with their shit together, don't DO stuff like that to other people. They don't need to. She needs to. It might do you to remember that when you're faced with the criticisms of your family. Moreover, it's not really her fault-- your parents set her in that role as a kid, and she's playing it, just as you're playing yours. But you don't have to let your role 'define' you any more, and you no longer need to play it. Feel bad for her that she's still locked into that role and can't escape it. Really, it's sad. I doubt you're the only person she does it to, too. I bet there are some friends she probably does a similar thing to.
Secondly, remember that your sister is like Facebook posts. She has insecurities and bad days and things her kid does that probably worry her, and relationship stuff about her wedding that she disliked or what have you. She just hides them better than anyone. I'm sure you noticed this growing up, too. Anything that may make her not look perfect, she probably doesn't discuss. Facebook is the same-- it's warped reality. People think other people have perfect lives because all they post is happiness. Remind yourself over and over that her life is not perfection, because that is impossible. There's no way her life is perfect. Nobody's life is perfect. She's just not showing you the bad parts.
Your child is three months old. You're not fucking them up. If you're worried about the sleeping habits or the colic, see someone and see what they say about it. But don't beat yourself up. A baby sleeping through the night isn't the epitome of good baby parenting. There was a post about colicy babies on here I read a while ago-- where perfectly loving, good, and I assume prepared parents-- were at the absolute end of their rope with their babies who had colic with no idea how to proceed to soothe them. They were not bad parents. Things like this happen. Please forgive yourself. As in all the cases, it did eventually pass. It's not a reflection of your parenting skills, and don't let them make you feel like it is.
After you change your mindset about all these things, then try to distance yourself from the petty game that your family plays with you. CBTherapy might be helpful here, too. Yes they will probably talk shit about you, yes, they will probably be critical of everything you do. You will need to try and let it go and not let if affect you so much. Truly it has nothing really to do with your actual capability or strengths. They don't even really know your strengths, and are just playing a role that has been going on since childhood. If its any consolation, a lot of family dynamics are like this.
And you have a few options here. If you think it might be helpful, you may want to sit her down and clear the air and confront her about it. Your relationship may benefit from that kind of honesty. Tell her how it makes you feel. "Sister, I love you and I know you are very capable. However, when you say ___ it makes me feel bad. It makes me feel as if you and family are overly critical about my life choices and decisions, and I want you to understand that your judgments of me don't help me be better or improve my situation. When you comment on my doing ____ it makes me feel as if I am an incapable child to you. I'm an adult and this is my life, and I will make mistakes, and I will do things wrong, and so will you-- and that's the point of being an adult. But I don't appreciate my life constantly being dissected and scrutinized by you and family. If you have things to tell me that will benefit me and can tell me constructively and lovingly I will hear it, but I will not accept constant criticism any more."
From there, if she does it again, remind her, that it's not being helpful and walk away. Also be prepared for her to hear you, and yet for nothing to change, too. That's also a possibility.
If you think that a speech like that would be lost on her and not improve anything, and it probably won't since this behavior will be pretty ingrained in her by this point-- then just deflect and walk away when they start to nag you. Change the subject. Or if you need to, literally leave the room when they say, "Hey, you should be doing...." and just keep reminding yourself that it's not you-- its not a reflection on your skills or your capabilities or anything when they treat you this way. You could win mother of the year and they'd still find ways to tear you down in other aspects of your life. It's just an unhealthy dynamic and it has nothing to do with your actual merits as a person. You can't change their behavior and actions, but you can change your reaction to them.
posted by Dimes at 1:57 PM on October 26, 2015
Look. Your sister isn't perfect, and her baby isn't perfect. For one thing, you already know your sister feels superior and is haughty about it; that's not perfection talking -- that's insecurity. She does it because her life isn't perfect, so she feels the need to point out your flaws and compare herself to you to make herself feel better. Perfect, or rather, healthy stable people with their shit together, don't DO stuff like that to other people. They don't need to. She needs to. It might do you to remember that when you're faced with the criticisms of your family. Moreover, it's not really her fault-- your parents set her in that role as a kid, and she's playing it, just as you're playing yours. But you don't have to let your role 'define' you any more, and you no longer need to play it. Feel bad for her that she's still locked into that role and can't escape it. Really, it's sad. I doubt you're the only person she does it to, too. I bet there are some friends she probably does a similar thing to.
Secondly, remember that your sister is like Facebook posts. She has insecurities and bad days and things her kid does that probably worry her, and relationship stuff about her wedding that she disliked or what have you. She just hides them better than anyone. I'm sure you noticed this growing up, too. Anything that may make her not look perfect, she probably doesn't discuss. Facebook is the same-- it's warped reality. People think other people have perfect lives because all they post is happiness. Remind yourself over and over that her life is not perfection, because that is impossible. There's no way her life is perfect. Nobody's life is perfect. She's just not showing you the bad parts.
Your child is three months old. You're not fucking them up. If you're worried about the sleeping habits or the colic, see someone and see what they say about it. But don't beat yourself up. A baby sleeping through the night isn't the epitome of good baby parenting. There was a post about colicy babies on here I read a while ago-- where perfectly loving, good, and I assume prepared parents-- were at the absolute end of their rope with their babies who had colic with no idea how to proceed to soothe them. They were not bad parents. Things like this happen. Please forgive yourself. As in all the cases, it did eventually pass. It's not a reflection of your parenting skills, and don't let them make you feel like it is.
After you change your mindset about all these things, then try to distance yourself from the petty game that your family plays with you. CBTherapy might be helpful here, too. Yes they will probably talk shit about you, yes, they will probably be critical of everything you do. You will need to try and let it go and not let if affect you so much. Truly it has nothing really to do with your actual capability or strengths. They don't even really know your strengths, and are just playing a role that has been going on since childhood. If its any consolation, a lot of family dynamics are like this.
And you have a few options here. If you think it might be helpful, you may want to sit her down and clear the air and confront her about it. Your relationship may benefit from that kind of honesty. Tell her how it makes you feel. "Sister, I love you and I know you are very capable. However, when you say ___ it makes me feel bad. It makes me feel as if you and family are overly critical about my life choices and decisions, and I want you to understand that your judgments of me don't help me be better or improve my situation. When you comment on my doing ____ it makes me feel as if I am an incapable child to you. I'm an adult and this is my life, and I will make mistakes, and I will do things wrong, and so will you-- and that's the point of being an adult. But I don't appreciate my life constantly being dissected and scrutinized by you and family. If you have things to tell me that will benefit me and can tell me constructively and lovingly I will hear it, but I will not accept constant criticism any more."
From there, if she does it again, remind her, that it's not being helpful and walk away. Also be prepared for her to hear you, and yet for nothing to change, too. That's also a possibility.
If you think that a speech like that would be lost on her and not improve anything, and it probably won't since this behavior will be pretty ingrained in her by this point-- then just deflect and walk away when they start to nag you. Change the subject. Or if you need to, literally leave the room when they say, "Hey, you should be doing...." and just keep reminding yourself that it's not you-- its not a reflection on your skills or your capabilities or anything when they treat you this way. You could win mother of the year and they'd still find ways to tear you down in other aspects of your life. It's just an unhealthy dynamic and it has nothing to do with your actual merits as a person. You can't change their behavior and actions, but you can change your reaction to them.
posted by Dimes at 1:57 PM on October 26, 2015
Best answer: Here's what I said to my overly-critical relatives about my lousy sleeper: "I have to make my own decisions and mistakes. It would help me most if you would support me."
For the larger dynamic, it's hard that she gets bossy but try something like "I've got this." I am the older sibling and my sister told me something similar and it was really freeing for both of us to let go of those old roles, at least for a bit. One thing I found great was when she told me her feelings. One thing I did not appreciate was when she still wanted me to unilaterally fix it. Like most people I needed some reminders and for her to share her confidence and successes.
For the behind-the-back stuff that is a terrible dynamic. I blame your mother mostly but your sister shares some too.
Finally, and this is in no way dismissive, you must be tired out. Sleep deprivation is awful. Hopefully she can pop your baby in the stroller and have a walk so you can get some sleep.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:18 PM on October 26, 2015
For the larger dynamic, it's hard that she gets bossy but try something like "I've got this." I am the older sibling and my sister told me something similar and it was really freeing for both of us to let go of those old roles, at least for a bit. One thing I found great was when she told me her feelings. One thing I did not appreciate was when she still wanted me to unilaterally fix it. Like most people I needed some reminders and for her to share her confidence and successes.
For the behind-the-back stuff that is a terrible dynamic. I blame your mother mostly but your sister shares some too.
Finally, and this is in no way dismissive, you must be tired out. Sleep deprivation is awful. Hopefully she can pop your baby in the stroller and have a walk so you can get some sleep.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:18 PM on October 26, 2015
You know, I would turn this sister's baby whisperer superiority to your advantage. She wants to brag about how great she is at getting a baby to sleep through? Fantastic, she'll be with you for the week - put her to work! You get a full week's worth of sleep and she can show you what she's made of, getting Jnr down every night. Or waking up every two hours - but that won't happen, because sister knows it all, right? Seriously, the next time she starts, hand her the baby and tell her it's all hers - prove it! She'll either shut up or she'll take the challenge on and you'll get some help. And maybe even a sleep trained baby or a more sympathetic sister. Win win.
posted by Jubey at 11:24 PM on October 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 11:24 PM on October 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
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That's it. Not "Thanks, I'll think about that" or "Thanks, but I'm going to keep doing it my way." Just "Thank you" as the response to any criticism or passive-aggressive advice or anything else that you don't want to respond to.
"You should be doing this to get the baby to sleep through the night."
"Thank you."
"..."
"..."
"So... are you going to do it?"
"Thank you."
"I'm just trying to help."
"Thank you."
"ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?"
"Thank you."
"AGH YOU'RE BEING IMPOSSIBLE."
And then you get to walk away, because she's not giving you advice at that point.
posted by Etrigan at 8:18 AM on October 26, 2015 [9 favorites]