How should my bf navigate a falling out in his social group?
October 14, 2015 12:25 AM Subscribe
A former fried of my bf stopped speaking to him over some petty issue (he feels slighted for every small thing). I don't like the guy - he treats his gf and other people like crap (talks over them, has a bad temper, impatient, etc.), so I was happy that my bf will stop associating with him.
My bf has also come to conclusion he doesn't need to be friends with this guy, but wanted to superficially smooth things over to avoid the awkwardness that has ensued whenever they hang out in their group of common friends. This guy has rebuffed him 3 times and I know my bf is feeling a lot of anxiety and stress about it. What should I tell him to do?
My bf's best friend was also being ignored because of the same perceived slight(s) - which apparently included things that happened years ago, but because the ex-friend and my bf's best friend started working together, the ex-friend was coerced by his gf to patch things up.
I've told my bf maybe it would be best for him to expand our social circle (suggested he take up a hobby) - but my bf thinks that would be making the guy win since he would be giving up his current friends.
I've suggested just ignoring the guy whenever he is around, but I can understand the tension is something he doesn't want to deal with. My bf mentioned it would be easier if he told the other people in the group, but I thought that could be perceived as him trying to pit the others against the ex friend and might not be a good idea to force his friends to choose sides.
Again, my bf has tried to talk to this loser 3 times and the guy just tells him he doesn't want to talk about it and continues ignoring him. I've told my bf to stop trying to make amends (since he didn't do anything wrong - and the guy won't say what he thinks my bf did wrong), because it is empowering this guy and feeding into his ego - but I hate to see my bf so upset and stressed out over this.
If it were me, I'd have no trouble ignoring the guy since I tend to have small clusters of friends from different areas in my life, but this is my bf's main group of friends we are talking about (they all invite the ex-friend to the same events and now that his best friend is working with the ex-friend he has to be civil and include him).
My bf realizes this guy isn't worthy of his friendship but wants to be comfortable with the rest of his friends again.
What should I tell him to do?
My bf's best friend was also being ignored because of the same perceived slight(s) - which apparently included things that happened years ago, but because the ex-friend and my bf's best friend started working together, the ex-friend was coerced by his gf to patch things up.
I've told my bf maybe it would be best for him to expand our social circle (suggested he take up a hobby) - but my bf thinks that would be making the guy win since he would be giving up his current friends.
I've suggested just ignoring the guy whenever he is around, but I can understand the tension is something he doesn't want to deal with. My bf mentioned it would be easier if he told the other people in the group, but I thought that could be perceived as him trying to pit the others against the ex friend and might not be a good idea to force his friends to choose sides.
Again, my bf has tried to talk to this loser 3 times and the guy just tells him he doesn't want to talk about it and continues ignoring him. I've told my bf to stop trying to make amends (since he didn't do anything wrong - and the guy won't say what he thinks my bf did wrong), because it is empowering this guy and feeding into his ego - but I hate to see my bf so upset and stressed out over this.
If it were me, I'd have no trouble ignoring the guy since I tend to have small clusters of friends from different areas in my life, but this is my bf's main group of friends we are talking about (they all invite the ex-friend to the same events and now that his best friend is working with the ex-friend he has to be civil and include him).
My bf realizes this guy isn't worthy of his friendship but wants to be comfortable with the rest of his friends again.
What should I tell him to do?
I think your b/f needs to re-assess the possibility of broadening or diversifying his group of friends. It would be very odd to me to have a member of a group refuse to talk to someone without very good cause. That is extremely childish. However, you cannot make that guy act differently. You cannot make the group act differently. Your boyfriend can only change his behaviour, which involves getting over it (which I totally understand might be too hard) or not attending social occasions where the guy will be present if he thinks the behaviour will also be present.
I would not tell the group about it, or worry about the other guy 'winning'-- that really is still engaging with the drama in ways that he does not have to do.
This might be painful but if your group of friends are not being more supportive here (which would involve, in my view, not inviting someone who gives others the silent treatment or confronting them about it-- but you should not ask for this because that is up to them) then it might be time for a re-think of the group.
I think not letting these kind of people dictate your happiness through their nonsense is part of growing up. The only real thing that he can control here is his response to it. Trying to frame it as silly and immature and controlling might help there-- it certainly seems to be all of those things to me.
posted by jojobobo at 1:59 AM on October 14, 2015
I would not tell the group about it, or worry about the other guy 'winning'-- that really is still engaging with the drama in ways that he does not have to do.
This might be painful but if your group of friends are not being more supportive here (which would involve, in my view, not inviting someone who gives others the silent treatment or confronting them about it-- but you should not ask for this because that is up to them) then it might be time for a re-think of the group.
I think not letting these kind of people dictate your happiness through their nonsense is part of growing up. The only real thing that he can control here is his response to it. Trying to frame it as silly and immature and controlling might help there-- it certainly seems to be all of those things to me.
posted by jojobobo at 1:59 AM on October 14, 2015
Yes, bf needs to leave the guy alone and let it go. Unless the friend group is very small it should be possible to meet occasionally and politely ignore each other, no? If not or if the group dynamics change in the guy's favour your bf needs to revisit his choice in friends.
In fact he should probably do that anyway. Finding a fun new hobby for the two of you to enjoy together that gives you a chance to make new friends (but doesn't have that as main purpose) has got to be an infinitely better use of his time than worrying about this guy. It's not about winning - it's about spending your spare time in an enjoyable manner.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:59 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
In fact he should probably do that anyway. Finding a fun new hobby for the two of you to enjoy together that gives you a chance to make new friends (but doesn't have that as main purpose) has got to be an infinitely better use of his time than worrying about this guy. It's not about winning - it's about spending your spare time in an enjoyable manner.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:59 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
You & BF should find comfort in rolling back. Mr. Faux Pas seems to be using BF's outreach as a power play, so the timing is wrong, at a minimum. He can let it go for a while, unless there is some pressure? Is this a childhood friend? Or something like a wedding coming up with a whole lot of togetherness?
posted by childofTethys at 4:30 AM on October 14, 2015
posted by childofTethys at 4:30 AM on October 14, 2015
One problem is your boyfriend views social interactions as having "winners" and "losers." This is fallacious thinking. You both should read up on The Geek Social Fallacies (an AskMe fave for good reason), and please note GSF #1 re: Ostracizers.
"A former fried of my bf stopped speaking to him over some petty issue (he feels slighted for every small thing)."
From the perspective of the "loser" ex-friend, I can guarantee the "issue" is not the least bit "petty," and you (the well-meaning third party paramour who wants to do the emotional labor here in order to keep your bf happy) maybe ought to at least consider the possibility you don't have all the facts and the history about what actually went down between your bf and his ex-friend, nor between his ex-friend and their other friend. (But that's neither here nor there, really.)
From your negative descriptors of the man, I get why you dislike him and are relieved he's not super close friends with your boyfriend anymore, but reading between the lines it sounds like your boyfriend's heart disagrees with you and he misses the guy at least a little bit -- because if your boyfriend truly thought his ex-friend were such a "loser," your boyfriend would not care enough to reach out 3 times and keep kvetching about it endlessly to you. Recognize that while you are the kind of enviable person who can cut people loose once you see they are not healthy for you to be interacting with anymore (and hey, that's a quality you seem to share with the Ostracizer ex-friend, ironically!), your boyfriend is just not there yet. Try taking a huge step back emotionally from so actively trying to help him manage this situation, and give him the space to figure his own stuff out because this: "but because the ex-friend and my bf's best friend started working together, the ex-friend was coerced by his gf to patch things up" is weird. What's up with at least 2 guys in this group needing their romantic partners to do the emotional labor and instruct them on how to behave with other men socially?
"My bf ... wants to be comfortable with the rest of his friends again."
Then he needs to stop secretly wishing and hoping they'll all just know to leave the ex-friend out and take his side of this unspoken conflict without him having to actually use his words to tell them what is going on here. The truth is, the rest of the group enjoys the ex-friend's company and are actively prioritizing hanging out with him. Which is obviously their right as human beings. Consider that the current source of "the awkwardness" is your boyfriend's too-high and completely unspoken expectations of his other friends, and that he ought to recalibrate. He also needs to stop choosing to see the excellent advice he's already gotten to "pursue a hobby" vs. "not lose all my friends to HIM" in falsely dichotomic terms.
posted by hush at 4:31 AM on October 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
"A former fried of my bf stopped speaking to him over some petty issue (he feels slighted for every small thing)."
From the perspective of the "loser" ex-friend, I can guarantee the "issue" is not the least bit "petty," and you (the well-meaning third party paramour who wants to do the emotional labor here in order to keep your bf happy) maybe ought to at least consider the possibility you don't have all the facts and the history about what actually went down between your bf and his ex-friend, nor between his ex-friend and their other friend. (But that's neither here nor there, really.)
From your negative descriptors of the man, I get why you dislike him and are relieved he's not super close friends with your boyfriend anymore, but reading between the lines it sounds like your boyfriend's heart disagrees with you and he misses the guy at least a little bit -- because if your boyfriend truly thought his ex-friend were such a "loser," your boyfriend would not care enough to reach out 3 times and keep kvetching about it endlessly to you. Recognize that while you are the kind of enviable person who can cut people loose once you see they are not healthy for you to be interacting with anymore (and hey, that's a quality you seem to share with the Ostracizer ex-friend, ironically!), your boyfriend is just not there yet. Try taking a huge step back emotionally from so actively trying to help him manage this situation, and give him the space to figure his own stuff out because this: "but because the ex-friend and my bf's best friend started working together, the ex-friend was coerced by his gf to patch things up" is weird. What's up with at least 2 guys in this group needing their romantic partners to do the emotional labor and instruct them on how to behave with other men socially?
"My bf ... wants to be comfortable with the rest of his friends again."
Then he needs to stop secretly wishing and hoping they'll all just know to leave the ex-friend out and take his side of this unspoken conflict without him having to actually use his words to tell them what is going on here. The truth is, the rest of the group enjoys the ex-friend's company and are actively prioritizing hanging out with him. Which is obviously their right as human beings. Consider that the current source of "the awkwardness" is your boyfriend's too-high and completely unspoken expectations of his other friends, and that he ought to recalibrate. He also needs to stop choosing to see the excellent advice he's already gotten to "pursue a hobby" vs. "not lose all my friends to HIM" in falsely dichotomic terms.
posted by hush at 4:31 AM on October 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
tl;dr, DTMFA. Ignorance is bliss. Ignore him right back twice as hard.
posted by ostranenie at 4:50 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ostranenie at 4:50 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think your bf's idea of talking to his friends has some merit, so long as it's done carefully.
Something like "So, hey, Other Guy has made it clear he doesn't want to talk to me. I've asked him if there's anything I can do differently, and I guess there isn't. I've been feeling a little awkward at group gatherings where he's there too, so I wanted to let you know what was going on, and that it seems like the best thing I can do is give him space - you know, avoid being in a smaller conversation with him, or sharing a car or [whatever is applicable to those social settings]. So, how about [thing the person he's talking to likes]."
Basically, that there's a Thing, that he's made an attempt to fix it, and what his behaviour is going forward - note that the end of this is all "this is so you understand why I'm changing some of my behaviour." and nothing about what the person he's talking to should do. I'd do those conversations individually - either with everyone in the social group, or at a bare minimum with the people who most regularly host things.
posted by modernhypatia at 5:48 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Something like "So, hey, Other Guy has made it clear he doesn't want to talk to me. I've asked him if there's anything I can do differently, and I guess there isn't. I've been feeling a little awkward at group gatherings where he's there too, so I wanted to let you know what was going on, and that it seems like the best thing I can do is give him space - you know, avoid being in a smaller conversation with him, or sharing a car or [whatever is applicable to those social settings]. So, how about [thing the person he's talking to likes]."
Basically, that there's a Thing, that he's made an attempt to fix it, and what his behaviour is going forward - note that the end of this is all "this is so you understand why I'm changing some of my behaviour." and nothing about what the person he's talking to should do. I'd do those conversations individually - either with everyone in the social group, or at a bare minimum with the people who most regularly host things.
posted by modernhypatia at 5:48 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Distanced politeness is the only stylish thing here. No re-hashing of things past or explaining to third parties lives up to distanced politeness.
posted by Namlit at 6:19 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Namlit at 6:19 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Another vote for being very courteous, ignoring the past, and maintaining distance, a.k.a. boundaries. Guy sounds quite toxic and unreasonable, and anyone n the group who hasn't recognized it yet, will. Do not add to any potential drama, rude guy will generate enough on his own.
posted by theora55 at 10:19 AM on October 14, 2015
posted by theora55 at 10:19 AM on October 14, 2015
You've used a couple of different phrases that represent different kinds of talking.
If your bf is trying to talk "about the relationship" - he should just quit that.
In social situations, can your bf still say things to ex-friend like "please pass the salt" and "what's up" - you know, small talk and logistics? If the ex-friend responds in kind, then this is where the relationship is and your bf will just have to live with it.
If your bf says something small in a social situation but the ex-friend completely ignores them, then this is the cut direct and your bf needs to deal with that by either leaving the group or talking to other members like modernhypathia suggests.
posted by CathyG at 12:21 PM on October 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
If your bf is trying to talk "about the relationship" - he should just quit that.
In social situations, can your bf still say things to ex-friend like "please pass the salt" and "what's up" - you know, small talk and logistics? If the ex-friend responds in kind, then this is where the relationship is and your bf will just have to live with it.
If your bf says something small in a social situation but the ex-friend completely ignores them, then this is the cut direct and your bf needs to deal with that by either leaving the group or talking to other members like modernhypathia suggests.
posted by CathyG at 12:21 PM on October 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
"my bf has tried to talk to this loser 3 times and the guy just tells him he doesn't want to talk about it and continues ignoring him"
Sorry to be harsh but I think there's a danger of having the wrong person labeled as 'the loser'. This guy has No Interest in being a friend to your boyfriend and his behaviour is actually textbook AskMe advice! Leave the guy alone.
If it's about the rest of the social circle, this guy isn't some leader of the pack. Reach out directly to the friends you still do care about. Invite them over individually, go out with them. Don't invite this guy. Don't have qualms about not inviting this guy (because it sounds like this guy will not have a problem with not being invited). Live your life hanging out only with people who make you happy.
posted by like_neon at 1:33 AM on October 14, 2015 [11 favorites]