Too late for a quarter life crisis.
October 13, 2015 10:01 PM Subscribe
Right now things are going fairly well for me. So why do I feel dissatisfied? This question is probably going to seem really whiny and first world problems. I’m sorry for that.
I’m female, 28. I live in a great city, vibrant and full of opportunity as well as lots of people my age. My parents are doing well and planning on retiring soon. I finally have my shit together and have a real grown-up job with benefits and dental, a pretty great opportunity I basically lucked into getting, and a decent salary. My boss is a nice person. I have a great boyfriend who seems to both really like and love me and we are likely to get engaged in the next 18 months. Boyfriend is also going to buy a house soon, which he will consult my opinion on and possibly I will move into at some point. For now, I have a pretty nice, fairly “cool” apartment that I finally procured all the appropriate grown-up furniture for. I have a non-beater car for the first time that’s a couple of years old, cute, and has had no mechanical issues. I have no debt except a negligible car loan ($4,000) that I got purely for the purpose of building credit, which I could probably pay off quickly if I had to. Basically I’ve actually sort of “made it” at this stage and am pretty lucky overall.
None of this was true for most of my 20s, or really, most of my life. As little as one year ago and some change, I had no benefits, a shitty salary, was stressed about rent, had no boyfriend for 5 years, etc. This is basically all very new to me, this “having everything together” deal. And…I’m still not happy? Or something.
Basically I feel like something is missing, except it isn’t. Like, I’m so used to barely making the cut and sliding into home base, that I don’t know how to do anything else. I don’t know how to relax and enjoy this. What am I supposed to do with abundance? I feel a low-grade dissatisfaction or ennui about everything I’ve achieved. And I think part of my identity was wrapped up with the “by the skin of her teeth” prior me, and I actually took some amount of pride in that. There is some cognitive dissonance where I don’t feel like my inner me and my outer life are aligned, because I was formed by fire and trials. I’m not one of the chosen ones. I’m not supposed to have this. I feel like I graduated from the school of hard knocks and got my diploma, but it’s now useless.
I know people are going to say “therapy” but I would feel really stupid going to a therapist and telling them, “So I basically have no problems.” Because I think they’re likely to sort of pat me on the head and try to give me medication, and I don’t feel like I need medication (caveat: I have been on anti-depressant medication before and therefore am aware of the side-effects, trade-offs, what depression actually feels like for me and when I’m in a bad place, etc. I’m not right now.)
Am I actually missing something in life? Is feeling like this fairly common and no one mentions it? Is there a way to insert some sort of safe and non-destabilizing challenge back into my life without losing the good grown-up things? Is this just some old trauma that I never really worked through that I need to, somehow?
Much appreciated.
I’m female, 28. I live in a great city, vibrant and full of opportunity as well as lots of people my age. My parents are doing well and planning on retiring soon. I finally have my shit together and have a real grown-up job with benefits and dental, a pretty great opportunity I basically lucked into getting, and a decent salary. My boss is a nice person. I have a great boyfriend who seems to both really like and love me and we are likely to get engaged in the next 18 months. Boyfriend is also going to buy a house soon, which he will consult my opinion on and possibly I will move into at some point. For now, I have a pretty nice, fairly “cool” apartment that I finally procured all the appropriate grown-up furniture for. I have a non-beater car for the first time that’s a couple of years old, cute, and has had no mechanical issues. I have no debt except a negligible car loan ($4,000) that I got purely for the purpose of building credit, which I could probably pay off quickly if I had to. Basically I’ve actually sort of “made it” at this stage and am pretty lucky overall.
None of this was true for most of my 20s, or really, most of my life. As little as one year ago and some change, I had no benefits, a shitty salary, was stressed about rent, had no boyfriend for 5 years, etc. This is basically all very new to me, this “having everything together” deal. And…I’m still not happy? Or something.
Basically I feel like something is missing, except it isn’t. Like, I’m so used to barely making the cut and sliding into home base, that I don’t know how to do anything else. I don’t know how to relax and enjoy this. What am I supposed to do with abundance? I feel a low-grade dissatisfaction or ennui about everything I’ve achieved. And I think part of my identity was wrapped up with the “by the skin of her teeth” prior me, and I actually took some amount of pride in that. There is some cognitive dissonance where I don’t feel like my inner me and my outer life are aligned, because I was formed by fire and trials. I’m not one of the chosen ones. I’m not supposed to have this. I feel like I graduated from the school of hard knocks and got my diploma, but it’s now useless.
I know people are going to say “therapy” but I would feel really stupid going to a therapist and telling them, “So I basically have no problems.” Because I think they’re likely to sort of pat me on the head and try to give me medication, and I don’t feel like I need medication (caveat: I have been on anti-depressant medication before and therefore am aware of the side-effects, trade-offs, what depression actually feels like for me and when I’m in a bad place, etc. I’m not right now.)
Am I actually missing something in life? Is feeling like this fairly common and no one mentions it? Is there a way to insert some sort of safe and non-destabilizing challenge back into my life without losing the good grown-up things? Is this just some old trauma that I never really worked through that I need to, somehow?
Much appreciated.
There are lots of therapists who can't even prescribe medication. Look for a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW). My therapists have all been LCSWs and I've found them to be incredibly helpful.
Therapy can be a wide range of things. I think in your case it sounds like you could use someone to talk with who is non-judgmental and a sort of sounding board. Therapy can be exactly that.
As to feeling like the other shoe is going to drop, I get it. I've been there. Transitions are always hard. Transfer shock is real. This recent question is not quite the same as yours, but it might have some relevant information for you.
Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 10:26 PM on October 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Therapy can be a wide range of things. I think in your case it sounds like you could use someone to talk with who is non-judgmental and a sort of sounding board. Therapy can be exactly that.
As to feeling like the other shoe is going to drop, I get it. I've been there. Transitions are always hard. Transfer shock is real. This recent question is not quite the same as yours, but it might have some relevant information for you.
Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 10:26 PM on October 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
You list a lot of the things that you have, only to realise that the pursuit of material possessions doesn't necessarily bring happiness. Perhaps in your quest for financial independence, you have not had the luxury to explore what you really want. Now is the time. Find what your purpose in life is, and go for it!
posted by Kwadeng at 11:00 PM on October 13, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by Kwadeng at 11:00 PM on October 13, 2015 [11 favorites]
There are a lot of things in our communities that can only be done by people who have already put their own lives in order. These are challenging, difficult, fun, awful, filled with camaraderie, and fraught with conflicts -- but very meaningful, and very rewarding. It can take years to get good at them, although there are some really helpful things you can do right away.
In other words, if you can, find a volunteer organization that you like, and that can use you, and go get 'em.
posted by amtho at 11:13 PM on October 13, 2015
In other words, if you can, find a volunteer organization that you like, and that can use you, and go get 'em.
posted by amtho at 11:13 PM on October 13, 2015
...or look around for a need that is not being met, and apply your fire-hardened, survival-honed mind to figuring out how to meet that need. There are plenty of challenges to go around, and people like you are how things actually get better.
posted by amtho at 11:14 PM on October 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 11:14 PM on October 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Agree with the others about giving back. But, also I think everyone has that feeling at some point or another, that somethings missing in their life, that there's a hole that needs to be filled and we all deal with it in our own way. I like this comic about it. Of the people I know, the ones that seem happiest are the ones who fill their "hole" with helping others, for what that's worth.
posted by FireFountain at 11:19 PM on October 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by FireFountain at 11:19 PM on October 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: You don't have no problems. You feel dissatisfied and unhappy. These are problems and this is what therapists are for. And the fact that you would feel stupid doing something like this for yourself is a strong indication to me that you could benefit from it -- because already I can guess that you have internalized somehow that you don't deserve to be happy, you don't deserve to have things for yourself, and I bet that is connected to the way you feel right now. Your outer situation and your inner sense of self are clashing. You have nice things like stability, love, etc, but you feel like you are not supposed to have nice things, and it creates dissonance. Exactly as you said.
One thing I want to caution you about is that such dissonance is fundamentally unstable and I can think of two possible ways this might go. One way is that you unravel what's bothering you, work through it, and reach some point of stability that matches your exterior life. Another way is that you don't do this, and the pressure of living a life that doesn't feel right grows until it eventually becomes unbearable, and at that point you might feel compelled to do something drastic, like torpedoing your achievements in order to return to comfortable chaos.
I have recently gone through a period in which I achieved a lot of my major goals -- finished grad school, got established in my career, got married -- and then found that just like you I felt strangely dissatisfied. It turns out that I had a lot of work to do in learning how to live in a way that's stable and sustainable, rather than in perpetual crisis mode. And it was really frickin hard. I had all kinds of emotional stuff to work through. Starting with why my sense of self-worth was in the toilet and why I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. And guess what: there were really good reasons for this. The kind of things therapists are good at helping you work through. And today after a hard slog through the muck, after a lifetime of depression, I actually feel pretty okay, and life seems to be opening up with possibilities. By the way, I don't mean medication. I mean talking about things, learning to connect with your emotions, crying bathtubs full of tears, facing everything head-on. Not blunting or numbing; the opposite.
I sense that maybe you have been through some shit and that you feel like you don't deserve to be happy and that those are probably related. A good therapist will listen compassionately and help you figure out why, and then help you work through it.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:33 PM on October 13, 2015 [21 favorites]
One thing I want to caution you about is that such dissonance is fundamentally unstable and I can think of two possible ways this might go. One way is that you unravel what's bothering you, work through it, and reach some point of stability that matches your exterior life. Another way is that you don't do this, and the pressure of living a life that doesn't feel right grows until it eventually becomes unbearable, and at that point you might feel compelled to do something drastic, like torpedoing your achievements in order to return to comfortable chaos.
I have recently gone through a period in which I achieved a lot of my major goals -- finished grad school, got established in my career, got married -- and then found that just like you I felt strangely dissatisfied. It turns out that I had a lot of work to do in learning how to live in a way that's stable and sustainable, rather than in perpetual crisis mode. And it was really frickin hard. I had all kinds of emotional stuff to work through. Starting with why my sense of self-worth was in the toilet and why I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. And guess what: there were really good reasons for this. The kind of things therapists are good at helping you work through. And today after a hard slog through the muck, after a lifetime of depression, I actually feel pretty okay, and life seems to be opening up with possibilities. By the way, I don't mean medication. I mean talking about things, learning to connect with your emotions, crying bathtubs full of tears, facing everything head-on. Not blunting or numbing; the opposite.
I sense that maybe you have been through some shit and that you feel like you don't deserve to be happy and that those are probably related. A good therapist will listen compassionately and help you figure out why, and then help you work through it.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:33 PM on October 13, 2015 [21 favorites]
You say a lot about your life situation now but apart from a vague plan about your relationship there is not a lot about your future and where you see yourself going, what else you plan to do, what you would like to achieve. Is it that you haven't told us or is it that your have got to a stable position and haven't thought about where you go next? Could this be related to your problem?
posted by biffa at 12:03 AM on October 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by biffa at 12:03 AM on October 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I know lots of academics who have gone through the same sort of thing after tenure. I did myself. It was really unnerving. And I think it's pretty much entirely the result of getting what you've been striving for. My first reaction, after the eunnui (I'd missed that you used the same word!) was to start a new striving. I'll jump ship to a better school! But after a couple years, I realized, hell, I love my students and love my colleagues (mostly!) and I live in a good place. So this is pretty good for me. Where would I be happier? I couldn't think of a place. But it took a while for things to seem good. And what's more first-world-problemish than tenured academics not being satisfied? So be kind to yourself. And give yourself time to process and settle in.
posted by persona au gratin at 1:39 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by persona au gratin at 1:39 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
As for whether this is a common thing... I'm pretty sure it is. All kinds of "wisdom traditions" seem to be focused on how to find "satisfaction" beyond the basic Maslow stuff. Buddhism is basically the story about a prince who had everything and still felt bad.
It's maybe not generally well known that one of the basic tools in Buddhism is to learn to concentrate your attention until you develop the ability to tap into a kind of full-body bliss that stems from relaxation ("jhana"). This becomes a "pleasure beyond sensuality" that's rejuvenating and instantly mood-improving. The technique is not exclusive to Buddhism, and from what I understand was invented by pre-Buddha yogis. It seems likely that similar states occur in prayer. It might sound nuts, and the religion does talk about it, um, religiously, but it's really just a thing you can condition your mind to do, kind of like hypnosis.
So you could try that. You can probably learn the basics in a matter of weeks or months. It doesn't give you the meaning of life or eternal happiness, but it's useful. I would love to see knowledge about it spread to the secular world; the mindfulness meditation people don't talk about it much yet, for whatever reason.
posted by mbrock at 3:08 AM on October 14, 2015 [7 favorites]
It's maybe not generally well known that one of the basic tools in Buddhism is to learn to concentrate your attention until you develop the ability to tap into a kind of full-body bliss that stems from relaxation ("jhana"). This becomes a "pleasure beyond sensuality" that's rejuvenating and instantly mood-improving. The technique is not exclusive to Buddhism, and from what I understand was invented by pre-Buddha yogis. It seems likely that similar states occur in prayer. It might sound nuts, and the religion does talk about it, um, religiously, but it's really just a thing you can condition your mind to do, kind of like hypnosis.
So you could try that. You can probably learn the basics in a matter of weeks or months. It doesn't give you the meaning of life or eternal happiness, but it's useful. I would love to see knowledge about it spread to the secular world; the mindfulness meditation people don't talk about it much yet, for whatever reason.
posted by mbrock at 3:08 AM on October 14, 2015 [7 favorites]
for some reason, i get the impression that you're not that into your boyfriend. i hope that's not the case, but i thought i'd mention it.
otherwise, what you are doing (recognising and worrying about this) seems right to me. i've felt similarly at various times in my life (am kind of bordering on it now) and generally it's fixed by thinking about what is "wrong", which often turns into "ok,so what do i actually want to do?", which, if you relax a little, is actually a pretty nice place to be, and leads to some new avenue.
posted by andrewcooke at 3:19 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
otherwise, what you are doing (recognising and worrying about this) seems right to me. i've felt similarly at various times in my life (am kind of bordering on it now) and generally it's fixed by thinking about what is "wrong", which often turns into "ok,so what do i actually want to do?", which, if you relax a little, is actually a pretty nice place to be, and leads to some new avenue.
posted by andrewcooke at 3:19 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
It turns out that I had a lot of work to do in learning how to live in a way that's stable and sustainable, rather than in perpetual crisis mode.
This speaks very directly to my experience. It took me a lot longer to achieve the pieces of a reasonably stable middle class life, and honestly at times it all still feels temporary. The therapy suggestion is probably good (and you don't at all need to be in a full-on crisis to need and benefit from therapy).
And it is also a good idea to not use this ennui and unsettled feeling as a reason to make sudden changes (quit your job, dump your boyfriend, move to Argentina, etc), at least not without an awful lot of consideration first. For me at least, like in the sentence I quoted, the hard part was relearning how to live in a more stable, long-term way, and you don't learn that by finding new and more creative ways to create crises out of thin air.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:44 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
This speaks very directly to my experience. It took me a lot longer to achieve the pieces of a reasonably stable middle class life, and honestly at times it all still feels temporary. The therapy suggestion is probably good (and you don't at all need to be in a full-on crisis to need and benefit from therapy).
And it is also a good idea to not use this ennui and unsettled feeling as a reason to make sudden changes (quit your job, dump your boyfriend, move to Argentina, etc), at least not without an awful lot of consideration first. For me at least, like in the sentence I quoted, the hard part was relearning how to live in a more stable, long-term way, and you don't learn that by finding new and more creative ways to create crises out of thin air.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:44 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Find something creative to do and do it. Paint, draw, sculpt, cook, learn about wine, drink wine. Watch The Big Lebowski and I Heart Huckabees. Read Kirkegaard. Find someone fascinating and talk to them. Go on an adventurous vacation somewhere now that you can afford it. You have a lot of opportunities now; I suggest you use them.
posted by ostranenie at 4:54 AM on October 14, 2015
posted by ostranenie at 4:54 AM on October 14, 2015
Make sure you have something to really look forward to most of the time. This is why a lot of people plan elaborate vacations. That may not do it for you; maybe it could be an art show or a book that's coming out.
posted by BibiRose at 5:26 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 5:26 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Wait a minute, have you changed jobs since you asked your last question? If not, it sounds like your job isn't that satisfactory. It doesn't have to be a job that makes your life worth living, but a 9-5 job does take up an awful lot of your time if you are not happy with it. Also, that job doesn't sound like it offers a lot of growth opportunities. Not everyone needs be be excited about their job but if you are not, and don't see a lot of alternatives, that right there could explain how you are feeling.
posted by BibiRose at 5:33 AM on October 14, 2015
posted by BibiRose at 5:33 AM on October 14, 2015
Find a new challenge to put that anxious energy into - competitive sports or learning a new skill. Some juicy challenge you'll enjoy. Over time you will settle in to this new normal. It takes a while to get used to stability. Don't go making trouble for yourself by suddenly changing everything just to feel familiar.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:43 AM on October 14, 2015
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:43 AM on October 14, 2015
It helped to frame my ennui as 'feeling deeply uninspired'--not to trivialize it but to make what I was experiencing easier to troubleshoot.
Perhaps that dissatisfaction you're feeling after all that you have achieved can simply, possibly just be a result of you advancing to a 'new level', so to speak. It shouldn't cause you guilt; rather, it should open up (creative? spiritual?) opportunities for deeper exploration about what truly feeds your spirit and what mark you want to make in the world.
posted by tackypink at 6:46 AM on October 14, 2015
Perhaps that dissatisfaction you're feeling after all that you have achieved can simply, possibly just be a result of you advancing to a 'new level', so to speak. It shouldn't cause you guilt; rather, it should open up (creative? spiritual?) opportunities for deeper exploration about what truly feeds your spirit and what mark you want to make in the world.
posted by tackypink at 6:46 AM on October 14, 2015
Best answer: As little as one year ago and some change,
That's not a very long time. Honestly, you may still be adjusting from a scrappy existence (of which you are rightfully proud-- go you for taking care of yourself!) to a more cozy existence; change is jarring and can lead to emptiness and confusion. You might need some more time to adjust.
Suggestions of giving back are good. I also had the thought that you might need to introduce some challenge or adventure into your life-- sounds like you might have the means to travel somewhere cool, take some interesting or scary courses, etc.. Now that you aren't afraid of making rent, maybe you can be afraid of making an ass of yourself at improv or fencing lessons or something.
Since life is messy and unpredictable, you are almost guaranteed a return to turmoil and barely-scraping-by at some point. (This guarantee goes double if you ever have kids.) So maybe instead of thinking that this period is how it's always going to be, maybe reframe it as a well-deserved respite?
posted by kapers at 10:04 AM on October 14, 2015
That's not a very long time. Honestly, you may still be adjusting from a scrappy existence (of which you are rightfully proud-- go you for taking care of yourself!) to a more cozy existence; change is jarring and can lead to emptiness and confusion. You might need some more time to adjust.
Suggestions of giving back are good. I also had the thought that you might need to introduce some challenge or adventure into your life-- sounds like you might have the means to travel somewhere cool, take some interesting or scary courses, etc.. Now that you aren't afraid of making rent, maybe you can be afraid of making an ass of yourself at improv or fencing lessons or something.
Since life is messy and unpredictable, you are almost guaranteed a return to turmoil and barely-scraping-by at some point. (This guarantee goes double if you ever have kids.) So maybe instead of thinking that this period is how it's always going to be, maybe reframe it as a well-deserved respite?
posted by kapers at 10:04 AM on October 14, 2015
Best answer: You have abundance in terms of health, home, family, money. great. Now you move up on the Hierarchy of Needs and you need Love and Meaning. Love - dating and/or establishing/maintaining friendships and family. Meaning: Creativity - art or some form of self-expression, lots of ways to fulfill this. Try Adult Ed. classes, or write, or take pictures, sing, read poetry, etc. Spirituality - very personal, but if you are inclined, church, meditation, journaling, might be meaningful. Sense of Purpose - volunteering, donating, fundraising, setting new goals for education and achievement.
On a purely practical level, make sure you are doing some retirement planning, setting personal goals for career, education, life goals, and make sure you are exercising and taking care of your health. And take a moment to congratulate yourself for doing well, and then move on with your wonderful life.
posted by theora55 at 10:11 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
On a purely practical level, make sure you are doing some retirement planning, setting personal goals for career, education, life goals, and make sure you are exercising and taking care of your health. And take a moment to congratulate yourself for doing well, and then move on with your wonderful life.
posted by theora55 at 10:11 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm going to go against the grain here a bit, and offer what works for me:
- mindfulness (widely derided, it works for me)
- alcohol (you can't be mindful all the time)
- psychedelics (seriously. Lots of current research about how great they can be for life)
posted by booooooze at 1:33 PM on October 14, 2015
- mindfulness (widely derided, it works for me)
- alcohol (you can't be mindful all the time)
- psychedelics (seriously. Lots of current research about how great they can be for life)
posted by booooooze at 1:33 PM on October 14, 2015
You realize that saying "it shouldn't seek therapy because by all rights I should be happy" is one of the main reasons to go to therapy, right? Most therapists aren't life coaches, they're not trying to get you a better job or a good love life. They're trying to help you figure out why you're unhappy so that you can, instead, be happier. I didn't go to therapy until I was in my mid-30s, and wish I'd gone sooner.
Also, if you don't know about dysthymia, you might try googling it. I'm not a huge fan of diagnoses (and I didn't necessarily agree with it as mine), but it sounds a lot like what you're describing.
posted by ldthomps at 3:13 PM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, if you don't know about dysthymia, you might try googling it. I'm not a huge fan of diagnoses (and I didn't necessarily agree with it as mine), but it sounds a lot like what you're describing.
posted by ldthomps at 3:13 PM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your kind and patient responses. PercussivePaul, your answer really resonated with me and I keep re-reading and seeing myself. I think maybe back when I was just “surviving” I actually had a lot of unhealthy, unconscious thought patterns (like “you are responsible for your own suffering, you can be tough” or “the world is against you”) but I never had time to really unpack them. Now I have time to unpack them and see that they are not true or useful anymore. That is also going to change how I view my past experiences, and the experiences of others. Maybe I’ll see myself as less “noble” in my suffering and let go of whatever validation it was giving me.
Persona au gratin, your response made me laugh and feel better about my own complaining, so thanks. Your point (and kapers) that it may simply take time for me to adjust is also a good one I hadn’t really thought about. I had a lot more years to adjust to “bad stuff” so maybe giving it time is necessary.
And theora55, thank you for reminding me of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs which is a very useful way to think about this and will give me much fodder for googling.
posted by stockpuppet at 4:19 PM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Persona au gratin, your response made me laugh and feel better about my own complaining, so thanks. Your point (and kapers) that it may simply take time for me to adjust is also a good one I hadn’t really thought about. I had a lot more years to adjust to “bad stuff” so maybe giving it time is necessary.
And theora55, thank you for reminding me of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs which is a very useful way to think about this and will give me much fodder for googling.
posted by stockpuppet at 4:19 PM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I saw myself in you too. Since it resonated with you I am going to share some more of my story.
I believe there is one and only one way to fill the hole inside forever. It is to go straight through it. It is to connect to your inner, most secret, most vulnerable child-like self, to find all of your buried shame, guilt, fear, anger, and pain, and to bring it up to the surface into the world and feel it.
For me, crises were convenient, as were life projects; so long as I focused on them, they took away my energy, and allowed me to ignore the festering pain inside. It became something of an addiction after a while. Recently I started noticing how my mind would look for any kind of distraction, any kind of excuse, any reason to do anything except face my emotions. I would think about relationships and family, friends, people I wanted to connect to, career, projects, achievements, helping others, travel, etc... all more 'goals' I could add to the list as something to 'keep me going' which would help me feel okay. But while these are all really great goals, fundamentally they are distractions. They are ways to avoid doing the work. And following them might make me feel okay for a while, but it never lasts. I found usually I got about three days of bliss upon completion of a major milestone before the shit caught up with me and hit me like a truck. Three days of feeling okay. It's not really enough. I tried everything I could think of until there was only one thing left; until every part of me accepted that the only way forward was to face it.
What does 'facing it' mean? For me it was weekend after weekend with my partner of clearing space and spending entire days talking about our emotions; it was three years of individual therapy; and especially it was six months of group therapy in which I told my darkest most shameful secrets to a room full of strangers who became my closest friends. Every night after group I felt like I had been run over by a truck; that was usually a sign that it was a good session. And look even now I am using the past tense, 'facing it' as if I am now "done" and don't have to "face it" anymore, my mind is trying to sneak away from the task at hand which is staying connected and continuing to feel what's there even when it is really painful.
Throughout this process I stripped away the layers. Starting with the hard outer shell I presented to the world. I learned how to feel things, how to connect with my emotions, how to feel sad. I learned to recognize all the ways I had been oppressed and abused; I had to rewrite the narratives of my life and admit that I was hurting, it wasn't all just "fine" or "okay", I wasn't "surviving", inside I was not okay at all. I grieved for everything I lost or that was taken from me. I felt all the humiliation and isolation of my adult and teen years and all the frustration of my adolescence and all the bewildering pain of my childhood. Memories resurfaced and stabbed me in the gut, messages that said 'this hurts' which I didn't let in at the time and were waiting for me to open the channel years later.
Eventually I began to rebuild myself. I found sources of strength in connection with others. I began to identify a fundamental theme -- a feeling that I lacked the right to exist, that I should not take up space, that I should never have been born -- and I began to challenge it. I sought out people and activities that made me feel stronger, alive, valued and validated, and I began to distance myself from the people and things that were crushing me. I began a process of facing the pain directly from a position of strength. And for the first time I was able to contain it. In the past I could cry on somebody else's shoulder, allow myself to just go sploosh and let it all come up, be held by the strength and stability they project. But now I can be that rock for myself. The parts of me that are young and sad can be held by the parts of me that are strong and adult. And the gaping hole, the vortex of pain and fear, is gone.
My metaphor and model for this is that the hole in the chest is the main channel to your emotional center. If it feels like a vortex or a black hole, it is because you are cloaked in pain. For me, the pain was so great that I had to shut down the channel and block it. And reopening it hurt terribly, physically, like I had been stabbed in the chest and was bleeding -- it still feels like that sometimes. But it is real. You can fill it with yourself and it stays filled. My real true self is in there. And by clearing away the muck I get a chance to face the world as him -- for the first time. And when the channel is open, it is not just terrible pain that you can feel, but terrible happiness too. Instead of a black hole, you can feel light beaming out of you, brighter than the sun.
posted by PercussivePaul at 9:06 AM on October 15, 2015 [6 favorites]
I believe there is one and only one way to fill the hole inside forever. It is to go straight through it. It is to connect to your inner, most secret, most vulnerable child-like self, to find all of your buried shame, guilt, fear, anger, and pain, and to bring it up to the surface into the world and feel it.
For me, crises were convenient, as were life projects; so long as I focused on them, they took away my energy, and allowed me to ignore the festering pain inside. It became something of an addiction after a while. Recently I started noticing how my mind would look for any kind of distraction, any kind of excuse, any reason to do anything except face my emotions. I would think about relationships and family, friends, people I wanted to connect to, career, projects, achievements, helping others, travel, etc... all more 'goals' I could add to the list as something to 'keep me going' which would help me feel okay. But while these are all really great goals, fundamentally they are distractions. They are ways to avoid doing the work. And following them might make me feel okay for a while, but it never lasts. I found usually I got about three days of bliss upon completion of a major milestone before the shit caught up with me and hit me like a truck. Three days of feeling okay. It's not really enough. I tried everything I could think of until there was only one thing left; until every part of me accepted that the only way forward was to face it.
What does 'facing it' mean? For me it was weekend after weekend with my partner of clearing space and spending entire days talking about our emotions; it was three years of individual therapy; and especially it was six months of group therapy in which I told my darkest most shameful secrets to a room full of strangers who became my closest friends. Every night after group I felt like I had been run over by a truck; that was usually a sign that it was a good session. And look even now I am using the past tense, 'facing it' as if I am now "done" and don't have to "face it" anymore, my mind is trying to sneak away from the task at hand which is staying connected and continuing to feel what's there even when it is really painful.
Throughout this process I stripped away the layers. Starting with the hard outer shell I presented to the world. I learned how to feel things, how to connect with my emotions, how to feel sad. I learned to recognize all the ways I had been oppressed and abused; I had to rewrite the narratives of my life and admit that I was hurting, it wasn't all just "fine" or "okay", I wasn't "surviving", inside I was not okay at all. I grieved for everything I lost or that was taken from me. I felt all the humiliation and isolation of my adult and teen years and all the frustration of my adolescence and all the bewildering pain of my childhood. Memories resurfaced and stabbed me in the gut, messages that said 'this hurts' which I didn't let in at the time and were waiting for me to open the channel years later.
Eventually I began to rebuild myself. I found sources of strength in connection with others. I began to identify a fundamental theme -- a feeling that I lacked the right to exist, that I should not take up space, that I should never have been born -- and I began to challenge it. I sought out people and activities that made me feel stronger, alive, valued and validated, and I began to distance myself from the people and things that were crushing me. I began a process of facing the pain directly from a position of strength. And for the first time I was able to contain it. In the past I could cry on somebody else's shoulder, allow myself to just go sploosh and let it all come up, be held by the strength and stability they project. But now I can be that rock for myself. The parts of me that are young and sad can be held by the parts of me that are strong and adult. And the gaping hole, the vortex of pain and fear, is gone.
My metaphor and model for this is that the hole in the chest is the main channel to your emotional center. If it feels like a vortex or a black hole, it is because you are cloaked in pain. For me, the pain was so great that I had to shut down the channel and block it. And reopening it hurt terribly, physically, like I had been stabbed in the chest and was bleeding -- it still feels like that sometimes. But it is real. You can fill it with yourself and it stays filled. My real true self is in there. And by clearing away the muck I get a chance to face the world as him -- for the first time. And when the channel is open, it is not just terrible pain that you can feel, but terrible happiness too. Instead of a black hole, you can feel light beaming out of you, brighter than the sun.
posted by PercussivePaul at 9:06 AM on October 15, 2015 [6 favorites]
Do you have a hobby or an activity you are passionate about? Your list of all the things that are going well in your life is great (congratulations!) but that is not enough to be happy. Think about something that interests you or that you would like to get into - rock climbing, crocheting, pottery, running marathons, volunteering, tutoring kids, cooking, wine making, joining a book club, painting - and try a few of these and see if they stick as a hobby. If they do, try to make some friends around these activities.
Because having a nice place to live and a decent job is definitely awesome, but it won't make you happy if all you do after work is come home and sit around with your boyfriend, or if you go out with friends routinely but there is nothing exciting or passionate about those meetups with friends.
Shake things up, get out of your routine and make a new more exciting routine, and then re-asses whether you still have all the same quarter life crisis feelings in a few months. Good luck!
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 7:58 PM on October 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
Because having a nice place to live and a decent job is definitely awesome, but it won't make you happy if all you do after work is come home and sit around with your boyfriend, or if you go out with friends routinely but there is nothing exciting or passionate about those meetups with friends.
Shake things up, get out of your routine and make a new more exciting routine, and then re-asses whether you still have all the same quarter life crisis feelings in a few months. Good luck!
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 7:58 PM on October 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You might also find this recent AskMeFi helpful as well.
posted by un petit cadeau at 10:24 PM on October 13, 2015 [2 favorites]