Feeling Lost
October 10, 2015 4:00 PM Subscribe
Five days ago my wife told me she wants to separate permanently. Everything since then has been a blur. I'm interested in hearing from others who have gone through something similar, to know how you made it through.
My wife and I have been together for seven years and married for six. We have a four year old little boy.
Today my wife found a basement suite and finished moving into it. Our old house, where I am staying, is in a state of disaster, but I am not up to cleaning things yet. Our son is staying at Auntie's house while we get all of this sorted out.
For the first two years of our lives together my wife and I were awesome, it really felt like it would last forever. I'm not going to go into detail about how our marriage has fallen apart. I'm not sure it's that helpful for this question. Suffice to say, there is no big "event" that precipitated this, like cheating, or physical abuse. Neither of us is a jerk. We have just become increasingly crappy in our every-day interaction over the years, in the same old boring ways -- nattering, separate bedrooms, withdrawal, etc etc. It reached the tipping point for her. And I was not really "happy" either -- although I think I always felt we would somehow eventually find a way back to easy loving happiness. But I never did enough to actually make that happen. Hurray for cognitive dissonance.
Anyhow, I still trust my wife implicitly and have complete respect for her, and I believe that she would say the same of me. And fortunately one thing we see completely eye to eye on is that however this whole process unfolds, the most important thing is that we do it in such a way as to protect our son, who we both love through and through, and ensure as smooth as possible a transition for him.
I am not concerned about our ability to agree on custody arrangements (we both agree 50/50 is best). We do not have a lot of shared finances (we rent), so that is also not much of a concern. Neither of us is interested in "lawyering-up" -- we are confident we can work out the arrangements ourselves, as things unfold, for now at least.
All in all, I think we have both done a pretty stellar job of sorting stuff out in one week, under the circumstances.
As for me, I don't have family here, but I have good friends who are more than willing to help me through this, and who are basically as shocked as I was. I have booked myself an appointment for counselling. My work is very understanding, and has told me that if there is anything I need, they will do whatever they can. I recognize that I am really quite lucky to have this level of support. I have started reading "When Things Fall Apart", which I saw recommended on another thread.
But this hurts so much. Sitting in this empty house, I have been spinning like a top, and jumping between resignation, disbelief, and desperately wondering if there is anything I can do to fix this (I can't, my wife has made it very clear this is what she wants, so too little, too late). There are moments I just have to sit and sob. I know my marriage was not all that great towards the end, but despite all that, I still love my wife.
I know the truth is that this is really a matter now of making your list at the start of the day, and putting one foot mechanically in front of the other, day after day, until things get better. But I would still very much appreciate hearing from those of you who have gone through this hell, are there any resources, strategies, books, or anything else you found that made it even a little bit easier?
If it matters, I am 40.
Thanks (in advance) for your help.
My wife and I have been together for seven years and married for six. We have a four year old little boy.
Today my wife found a basement suite and finished moving into it. Our old house, where I am staying, is in a state of disaster, but I am not up to cleaning things yet. Our son is staying at Auntie's house while we get all of this sorted out.
For the first two years of our lives together my wife and I were awesome, it really felt like it would last forever. I'm not going to go into detail about how our marriage has fallen apart. I'm not sure it's that helpful for this question. Suffice to say, there is no big "event" that precipitated this, like cheating, or physical abuse. Neither of us is a jerk. We have just become increasingly crappy in our every-day interaction over the years, in the same old boring ways -- nattering, separate bedrooms, withdrawal, etc etc. It reached the tipping point for her. And I was not really "happy" either -- although I think I always felt we would somehow eventually find a way back to easy loving happiness. But I never did enough to actually make that happen. Hurray for cognitive dissonance.
Anyhow, I still trust my wife implicitly and have complete respect for her, and I believe that she would say the same of me. And fortunately one thing we see completely eye to eye on is that however this whole process unfolds, the most important thing is that we do it in such a way as to protect our son, who we both love through and through, and ensure as smooth as possible a transition for him.
I am not concerned about our ability to agree on custody arrangements (we both agree 50/50 is best). We do not have a lot of shared finances (we rent), so that is also not much of a concern. Neither of us is interested in "lawyering-up" -- we are confident we can work out the arrangements ourselves, as things unfold, for now at least.
All in all, I think we have both done a pretty stellar job of sorting stuff out in one week, under the circumstances.
As for me, I don't have family here, but I have good friends who are more than willing to help me through this, and who are basically as shocked as I was. I have booked myself an appointment for counselling. My work is very understanding, and has told me that if there is anything I need, they will do whatever they can. I recognize that I am really quite lucky to have this level of support. I have started reading "When Things Fall Apart", which I saw recommended on another thread.
But this hurts so much. Sitting in this empty house, I have been spinning like a top, and jumping between resignation, disbelief, and desperately wondering if there is anything I can do to fix this (I can't, my wife has made it very clear this is what she wants, so too little, too late). There are moments I just have to sit and sob. I know my marriage was not all that great towards the end, but despite all that, I still love my wife.
I know the truth is that this is really a matter now of making your list at the start of the day, and putting one foot mechanically in front of the other, day after day, until things get better. But I would still very much appreciate hearing from those of you who have gone through this hell, are there any resources, strategies, books, or anything else you found that made it even a little bit easier?
If it matters, I am 40.
Thanks (in advance) for your help.
Go for a walk. Go for lots and lots of walks. It will help, really, it will.
posted by BoscosMom at 4:51 PM on October 10, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by BoscosMom at 4:51 PM on October 10, 2015 [16 favorites]
I was the wife who left. I did that eight years ago, when I was 50. My marriage is not your marriage. But if the two of you are as caring and supportive of your son as you say you are, you will find your way out of this. My husband and I never bothered to get divorced. We live in different countries. We have done a better job of coparenting since I left than we did while still together. Toward the end of my marriage he stopped being my best friend and I stopped being his. I can honestly say that the two of us are best friends again today and terrifically supportive and caring toward one another. I don't know what will happen with you and your wife. But I do know that leaving a marriage can sometimes be a way to save a relationship. Of course, YMMV. Hang in there. There's probably something wonderful waiting for you up ahead.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:04 PM on October 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 5:04 PM on October 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
I went to see a therapist after my first divorce. He told me that I should allow myself nine months to get over it. I have found this to be a pretty good rule of thumb for big losses.
Truth to tell though, that first break up was over 30 years ago and it still hurts sometimes. I did remarry and well but I still wonder at the fact of how that first marriage went down. I think it was kinda like how you're having it. You are in shock right now. Just keep your head on straight and don't do anything whacky. I'll be hoping for you. You'll eventually pull through.
posted by BarcelonaRed at 5:05 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Truth to tell though, that first break up was over 30 years ago and it still hurts sometimes. I did remarry and well but I still wonder at the fact of how that first marriage went down. I think it was kinda like how you're having it. You are in shock right now. Just keep your head on straight and don't do anything whacky. I'll be hoping for you. You'll eventually pull through.
posted by BarcelonaRed at 5:05 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Second the walks and also can give you the same advice a wise friend gave me-- for the first six months, don't be completely alone through a weekend. Go to meetup groups, connect with friends, whatever, but make sure you don't spend the weekends fully by yourself. Reconnecting with friends in general also really helped me. Best of luck to you-- you will get through this.
posted by frumiousb at 6:29 PM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by frumiousb at 6:29 PM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Physical activity is a great thing. Do something that you used to do a long time ago (that you liked). If you liked basketball...find some games at a community center with men your age. Tennis, racquetball...running, bodybuilding, etc! It is remarkable how prolonged physical activity can improve everything. You're "only" 40--you are in your prime! It absolutely would not hurt to make some female friends and change your scenery. Your new chapter can actually be an adventure and a upbeat thing, if you decide it is. Whatever you've wanted to do but couldn't (because of responsibilities) you can consider doing. When I got divorced I joined a gym and took some classes (photography). Those days were sometimes difficult, but also they were great! Much has to do with remaining open to the possibilities. Don't dwell on the past. :)
posted by naplesyellow at 7:27 PM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by naplesyellow at 7:27 PM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. That would be sad. If two people were married and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times (...) I love being divorced. Every year has been better than the last. That is the only time I can say that [about my life]. By the way, I’m not saying don’t get married. If you meet someone, fall in love, and get married. Then get divorced. Get divorced! Because that's the best part! It's the best part! Marriage is just like a larvae stage for true happiness, which is divorce. Divorce is forever, it really actually is. Marriage is for how long you can hack it. But divorce just gets stronger, like a piece of oak. No one ever says, 'Oh my divorce is falling apart. I just can’t take it.'" - Louis CK.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 8:50 PM on October 10, 2015 [31 favorites]
posted by Ursula Hitler at 8:50 PM on October 10, 2015 [31 favorites]
I don't have any particular advice but just wanted to say that it sounds like you are handling this really well. It's reassuring to see you reflect on how things got to this point, and it's beautiful to read how much you respect and value your son's mother and wish for things to go smoothly for all. I can tell you are a thoughtful and caring person, and that is a wonderful thing. I know that hearing this won't help with the pain or sense of loss and it's not much of a consolation but your awareness and compassion is a great and all-too-rare thing in this world. Like Bella Donna said, there are wonderful things ahead for you; not necessarily what you had initially planned or hoped for but different-yet-good things.
I have a few friends whose parents divorced or split up when they were young like your son but continued to maintain a respectful relationship with the ex-partner. They do not bemoan the divorce at all, they do not criticize their parents, and they're understanding that the path that follows can be bumpy; instead, they speak warmly of both of their parents and display an impressive respect that was modeled so well to them. I believe that you and your ex will do the same, and your son will grow up feeling very loved.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:55 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have a few friends whose parents divorced or split up when they were young like your son but continued to maintain a respectful relationship with the ex-partner. They do not bemoan the divorce at all, they do not criticize their parents, and they're understanding that the path that follows can be bumpy; instead, they speak warmly of both of their parents and display an impressive respect that was modeled so well to them. I believe that you and your ex will do the same, and your son will grow up feeling very loved.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:55 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I want to second naplesyellow's suggestion. Find a physical activity that forces you to focus on just that activity, that you can commit to improving at or that engages you in conversations with others that aren't about yourself and this experience.
Hopefully that will reduce the amount of emotional energy spent dwelling on your loss or reduce the potential for grief to turn into depression by allowing you to spend this energy more constructively. I don't mean to say that one shouldn't talk about their emotions and experiences with others, which is of course important - just that it's also important to balance that with activities that take you outside of yourself.
All the best.
posted by bigZLiLk at 9:19 PM on October 10, 2015
Hopefully that will reduce the amount of emotional energy spent dwelling on your loss or reduce the potential for grief to turn into depression by allowing you to spend this energy more constructively. I don't mean to say that one shouldn't talk about their emotions and experiences with others, which is of course important - just that it's also important to balance that with activities that take you outside of yourself.
All the best.
posted by bigZLiLk at 9:19 PM on October 10, 2015
Channel your frustration into self-improvement (money, social status, looks...or total consciousness). You're going to feel terrible for at least a year and probably 3 years; might as well make something out of it.
posted by sninctown at 12:24 AM on October 11, 2015
posted by sninctown at 12:24 AM on October 11, 2015
Try to use it as a learning experience for your next relationship. Join a gym or a sports league. You may not feel like moving right now, but it really helps with depression.
posted by manderin at 1:04 AM on October 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by manderin at 1:04 AM on October 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
My story is similar to yours. And it will continue to be hard since you'll be co-parenting with your ex.
Like you, my ex and I decided to take the high road (and three years in, so far so good) with regard to making things as easy for our son as we can. That alone has saved me a great deal of worry and stress.
As for getting over the loss of the relationship, know that it will take time and it will likely vacillate back and forth - from feeling pretty good to hearing that song in the supermarket with that one line that makes you sob like a child (ask me how I know!)
The Louis CK quote is spot on, but it still stings and will continue to sting. You can, however focus on making your life as awesome as you can as a newly single person. There are likely things that you weren't able to do or interests you didn't have time to explore or things that would've driven your wife nuts. Find out these things and put some energy into them. Not out of spite, but out of a newfound ability to be able to do these things.
Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to. It's tough, but you will come through on the other side and things will be better for you. Being in an unhappy relationship (even without a big drama) can be incredibly draining.
posted by Twicketface at 5:01 PM on October 11, 2015
Like you, my ex and I decided to take the high road (and three years in, so far so good) with regard to making things as easy for our son as we can. That alone has saved me a great deal of worry and stress.
As for getting over the loss of the relationship, know that it will take time and it will likely vacillate back and forth - from feeling pretty good to hearing that song in the supermarket with that one line that makes you sob like a child (ask me how I know!)
The Louis CK quote is spot on, but it still stings and will continue to sting. You can, however focus on making your life as awesome as you can as a newly single person. There are likely things that you weren't able to do or interests you didn't have time to explore or things that would've driven your wife nuts. Find out these things and put some energy into them. Not out of spite, but out of a newfound ability to be able to do these things.
Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to. It's tough, but you will come through on the other side and things will be better for you. Being in an unhappy relationship (even without a big drama) can be incredibly draining.
posted by Twicketface at 5:01 PM on October 11, 2015
I've gone through pretty much exactly this same situation. Here's what I found:
1) Get a lawyer. I know -- you don't think you need one. But you do. The law is complicated and subtle and it's not for amateurs. Try to find a lawyer who focuses on mediation and settling things out of court in as quick and inexpensive manner as possible.
2) Things have a way of starting off "good" between each other, but can quickly spiral downwards to some incredibly bad places. Once you start dealing with all the thousand little things involved in separating, all the tension WILL come out and it's not going to be pretty.
3) Focus on your child. Watching him wrestle with the new reality of life will be heartbreaking. Remind yourself that this was not your choice and you just have to do the best for him (and you) that you possibly can. I imagine there's a good reason for him being at his aunt's, but the more consistent you can keep his life, the better. Kids, even that young, can and do develop anxiety around divorce.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It is not easy, but ultimately it is for the best. You'll be ok and you're not alone. Keep busy and yes, walking is the best thing. If you have a close friend to confide in, lean on them too. Don't dwell on the past and don't get too worried about the future -- just get through this process first and then let things settle before you make any huge plans.
You're going to grit your teeth a lot by the time this is done about money, possessions, custody and a million other things. Keep your eye on the important thing: your son and your health.
posted by The Hyacinth Girl at 8:11 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
1) Get a lawyer. I know -- you don't think you need one. But you do. The law is complicated and subtle and it's not for amateurs. Try to find a lawyer who focuses on mediation and settling things out of court in as quick and inexpensive manner as possible.
2) Things have a way of starting off "good" between each other, but can quickly spiral downwards to some incredibly bad places. Once you start dealing with all the thousand little things involved in separating, all the tension WILL come out and it's not going to be pretty.
3) Focus on your child. Watching him wrestle with the new reality of life will be heartbreaking. Remind yourself that this was not your choice and you just have to do the best for him (and you) that you possibly can. I imagine there's a good reason for him being at his aunt's, but the more consistent you can keep his life, the better. Kids, even that young, can and do develop anxiety around divorce.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It is not easy, but ultimately it is for the best. You'll be ok and you're not alone. Keep busy and yes, walking is the best thing. If you have a close friend to confide in, lean on them too. Don't dwell on the past and don't get too worried about the future -- just get through this process first and then let things settle before you make any huge plans.
You're going to grit your teeth a lot by the time this is done about money, possessions, custody and a million other things. Keep your eye on the important thing: your son and your health.
posted by The Hyacinth Girl at 8:11 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I know the truth is that this is really a matter now of making your list at the start of the day, and putting one foot mechanically in front of the other, day after day, until things get better.
You've nailed it. The end of a marriage is traumatic. It hurts, for a long time. But every day it hurts a little bit less and you realize you're surviving what seems to be the worst thing to ever happen to you. You realize you're stronger than you ever realized you could be and you feel proud of yourself and empowered. And gradually you start finding all these little things you're excited about. There are things you can do now that you couldn't before. There are things to look forward to.
The exhausting effort it took to maintain a miserable marriage isn't necessary anymore and it's a relief.
One day you realize you're happy and you meet someone new and they're the next love of your life and everything is going to be ok.
posted by shesbenevolent at 9:01 AM on October 12, 2015
You've nailed it. The end of a marriage is traumatic. It hurts, for a long time. But every day it hurts a little bit less and you realize you're surviving what seems to be the worst thing to ever happen to you. You realize you're stronger than you ever realized you could be and you feel proud of yourself and empowered. And gradually you start finding all these little things you're excited about. There are things you can do now that you couldn't before. There are things to look forward to.
The exhausting effort it took to maintain a miserable marriage isn't necessary anymore and it's a relief.
One day you realize you're happy and you meet someone new and they're the next love of your life and everything is going to be ok.
posted by shesbenevolent at 9:01 AM on October 12, 2015
« Older Choosing a port to drink later. Way, way later. | How do I get my bookcase to stand up straight when... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
You summed it up pretty well. For me, changing scenery, that is, moving out of the shared house as soon as practical, was a big help. Also, focus on your 4 year old son. He will continue to bring you joy, wonderment and all the things that 4 year old boys do including the mess and the frogs. On the other 50% of the time, try to get out and do things like dinner with friends, go to see a band, etc.
I did not find any particular book helpful but your strategy of making a daily action plan and then executing on it, helped me. Time too. Also, the realization, not the idea, that it was really over made me focus on the future.
posted by AugustWest at 4:27 PM on October 10, 2015 [4 favorites]