One night stand with a co-worker, what should I do?
October 9, 2015 9:27 PM   Subscribe

I cheated on my fiancé with a co-worker, what should I do?

Started an internal position a year ago. I had assistance from a superior to set up my office/computer access, I became infatuated with him. We clicked, laughed at the same things, got to know one another. I was engaged at that point. I was in a five year relationship. Dropped the issue, became Facebook friends with him.

Fast forward a year later. I received another internal promotion. Messaged him on FB for advice as he had also received a significant promotion. He instantly responded. We clicked, once again. He messaged me, this time stating he liked me, thought I was smart and cute. He instigated twenty questions. Invited him out for a non-work endorsed celebration that other co-workers would attend. He stated he would think about it and then later declined same day of the celebration.

That night, I messaged him and asked him to meet me. He obliged. Met at a bar. Got to know him; liked him even more. He said he couldn't show up to XYZ celebration as he was only invited by me. We had a one night stand. It was good.

Left at 5a; returned to my fiancé. Lied, said I slept at a friend's place.

Several days later, co-worker messaged me and invited me out to dinner. Said (and I believe) he had never done anything like that before. Could get in depth why I think this way but it is hypothetical.

My ex-fiance found out about my one night stand by snooping. Messaged co-worker and in summary, wrote:

Hi XXX,

I don't think you know who I am. I did not know who you were until today. Let me tell you a bit about myself. ...XXX.. Over the last few weeks the stress of life has taken a noticeable toll on her, going out on Thursday evening to celebrate her promotion and not returning until 8:00 Friday morning. Anyway my fiancés name is XXX, you work with her, in fact you fucked her not long ago. I understand she told you that she and I had broken up in July, this is not true, we've been planning our wedding and doing all the other fun things that young families do all summer. When I get up tomorrow my life will be shattered and you will have the opportunity to begin dating a smart, beautiful, vibrant woman. I just thought you should know the true circumstances of your budding romance. I understand you two have a date Thursday night, I want you to know that I'm not really mad at you, XXX is a beautiful girl and you thought she was single, again, I just thought you should know the circumstances of what you're getting into.

Since then, I asked to explain to co-worker. He declined. I was persistent and nuts and messaged him again. Within this message, he said he didn't hate me. He thought I was nice in a bad situation. We're all human.

At this pt, I know my fiancé and I are over. For some reason, I've become focused with co-worker. Maybe it's because it's the only thing I can hold onto.

What should I do? Fiancé and I are over. Should I pursue co-worker? Sever ties? Keep my distance?

Thank you.
posted by somersault to Human Relations (40 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
At this pt, I know my fiancé and I are over. For some reason, I've become focused with co-worker. Maybe it's because it's the only thing I can hold onto.

Yes, that seems about right. You know what you need to do here. Sever ties with the co-worker and go about the long painful business of rebuilding your life. I wish you luck.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 9:31 PM on October 9, 2015 [37 favorites]


This is a big fucking mess and you should, at the very least, take a breather and re-focus on yourself. From there, you're the best judge.
posted by holgate at 9:33 PM on October 9, 2015 [18 favorites]


Should I pursue co-worker?

Sure, why not. All usual caveats about dating coworkers aside, what do you have to lose? If he's still interested now that he knows the full story (or your ex's version of it, at least), he knows what he's getting into. Don't lie or sugar-coat it, or explain away your ex's (remarkably civil, but probably just passive-aggressive, trying to scare him off) version of events.
posted by supercres at 9:35 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh I definitely took "pursue" to mean something more innocuous on my first read-through. In retrospect, I'll just emphasize the "if he's still interested part" of my previous answer. Don't try to win him over, and yes, keep your distance until he expresses interest again, if he expresses interest again.
posted by supercres at 9:38 PM on October 9, 2015


Should I pursue co-worker?
No. Co-worker did not want to talk to you. You persisted and he politely agreed. He gave you the most neutral response, "I don't hate you". He is not interested. Respect that.

You have gone from happy flirtation + loving fiancé to a lonely mess in the blink of an eye. No wonder you aren't sure what to grab on to - your head must be spinning. But, no matter what your hear tells you, this co-worker does not seem the least bit interested in filling that void for you. If you don't want to repeat the same mistakes again, you should take some time to be single and figure out what was going on for you. You need to take responsibility for your part in what happened and figure out what you want to be different next time before you go jumping into the next one.
posted by metahawk at 9:43 PM on October 9, 2015 [74 favorites]


My ex-fiance found out about my one night stand by snooping.

I'm sure there's some nuance to this part of the story that's not coming through in this post, but for whatever it's worth I don't think snooping is something that happens in relationships that are rooted in mutual respect.

For what it's worth, I'd put aside both halves of your life and move on from both, here.
posted by mhoye at 9:45 PM on October 9, 2015 [10 favorites]


I hate to be all like "therapy" to a total stranger but you really sound like someone who could use a neutral, supportive third party to talk things out with. Please do not use your coworker for that (it won't work even if you cajole him into it.)
posted by SMPA at 9:47 PM on October 9, 2015 [18 favorites]


Pretty much a mess here... you cheated on someone you were going to marry...that relationship is probably done... the co-worker has said that he isn't interested.

You've a shit-load of "moving on" to do here... You might want to, as mentioned above, seek some support, it will be easy to engage in a lot of distorted thinking about these events....
posted by HuronBob at 9:51 PM on October 9, 2015 [8 favorites]


I hesitate to even go here but I'm just going to do it with the preface that I mean this as gently and nonjudgmentally as possible. I see from your past Ask MeFi questions that you are a recovering alcoholic and I assume since this isn't an anonymous post it is ok to bring that up in the context of this question. You met your coworker at a bar and then went on to have a one night stand with him thus ending your relationship with your fiancé in a pretty brutal way. Were you drinking that night? I bring this up because this is exactly the kind of self destructive behavior that can happen during relapses. If so then you may need to reexamine this whole situation not just as a relationship issue but as an issue with alcohol as well.

But to answer your question, no, you should not pursue your coworker. You need to figure out why you cheated and learn from the experience without further complicating the situation. Be single for awhile. Figure yourself out a bit before jumping into another relationship.
posted by teamnap at 9:58 PM on October 9, 2015 [68 favorites]


Wait... What? Are you seriously asking if it's a good idea to pursue your co-worker? This is the man you recently lied to that your engagement was over, slept with and cheated on your then-fiance with? What exactly were you trying to explain to him?

You appear to have deeply hurt several people including yourself. This is not a good time to enter a relationship. This man is not a good candidate to be with and it doesn't seem that he has any interest or intention of continuing things with you. You are worthy of love and being in a relationship but right now you need to get yourself together and move your focus away from these two people, both of whom are probably feeling deeply betrayed and neither of whom you likely have a future with.

It sounds like you are confused and desperate. This is a good time to reach out to friends/family/mental health support professionals who you are not romantically involved with. Focus on putting your life back together, take responsibility for your choices, and take some time to do some serious self-care/mental health inventory.
posted by mermily at 10:02 PM on October 9, 2015 [18 favorites]


Should I pursue co-worker?

No. You should work on you. It sounds like you tore down your engagement and lied to your coworker so you could have sex with him. If you wanted out of your engagement there were plenty of ways to do that there were less self destructive and less destructive to others. Everyone makes mistakes, but this wasn't a drunken one-nighter. You pursued this.

Is this the person you want to be? If not, then work on you - probably with the help of a third party (friend, counselor, sponsor).
posted by 26.2 at 10:05 PM on October 9, 2015 [18 favorites]


Pursuing someone who does not want to be pursued? Well, you know in your heart that this is not right. You made mistakes. You regret them. Try to forgive yourself. Get in touch with who you are and what you really want. It wasn't your fiance. It wasn't really co-worker. I think you needed a way to escape a trajectory you didn't want to continue on. Find the right one for you, one that definitely does not include either of them.

It may be lonely for awhile romantically, but this is where friends are key. Work on you. Go out with them. Reconnect with single you.
posted by inturnaround at 10:29 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Yeah, no. You are trying to avoid the pain by focusing on someone else. As long as you continue to do this, you're going to find yourself in situations like this. Sure the pain sucks. No one *wants* to go through it. But it's only by fully experiencing it can you truly learn about yourself and become the person you want to be.
posted by dawkins_7 at 10:40 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


I think you should decide what you want from life without using men as some sort of proxy. It seems (from prior questions) like you have a history of rather unstable relationships without heathy boundaries. (I really don't mean to be unkind, just trying to be factual and get to the point.) I find I got into relationships like that when I was defining myself by a man's devotion, using his interest to shape myself and my life and/or worth. I think you're looking for validation in the wrong places and depending on men too much, both in a physical/material sense and a psychological self-esteem sense. I think there was probably something missing in your reationship with your fiancé.

Boundaries are so damn important. Being fully independent is important for LIFE, not just "until I get married" or whatever. So many women don't really feel this truth. We all die alone. Life is full of suffering. Men are human. They bend, they break. Their own love is more fragile than they know. True maturity and wisdom is loving men in spite of their weaknesses, in an almost maternal sense- not loving them for their glamour, their strengths, their making you feel taken care of and validated and small and feminine. You know? Am I making sense?

If there is one piece of advice I really wish you and many others would take to heart it is this: Focus on loving rather than being loved. You should want love to be willing and not coerced. Of course, easier said than done. But real love will not produce this drama. It will be practical and human and will not let you get away with staying on a pedestal forever.

That love is worth it, I promise.
posted by quincunx at 10:47 PM on October 9, 2015 [40 favorites]


Don't get fired or a bad reputation. Stop this instantly and seek therapy from a professional person (therapist?) that is in your corner.

Please stop hurting yourself. You are more valuable than this, and if you stop now, you can walk away healthier.

If drinking is an issue, address that.

Be well. Take care of yourself.
posted by jbenben at 10:56 PM on October 9, 2015 [11 favorites]


You're focused on the coworker to distract yourself from facing the issue you created with your ex.

You can't make people like you. The coworker is not interested and any further action on your part will be considered harassment. He may even take it to HR. Don't be that person.

What I am concerned about here is the lack of remorse - you don't express remorse at hurting your fiancé, or for lying to the coworker. You're just trying to manipulate the situation to get something. Also I'm not hearing introspection as to what caused you to act out. Were you unhappy with the fiancé? Afraid of commitment? It doesn't sound like coworker was a soul mate to risk everything for, just a fancy. As said above, it sounds like you don't have a clear understanding of yourself or a clear direction of what you want. It's like people are just placeholders for you.

So the thing to do here is leave both guys alone and focus on growing into yourself. Hate to bang that ask.me drum but it sounds like you need therapy.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:32 AM on October 10, 2015 [48 favorites]


In one of your previous questions you talk about being a recovering alcoholic. If alcohol has played any part in the events you've outlined above, you need to get that sorted out sooner rather than later.
posted by essexjan at 1:20 AM on October 10, 2015 [6 favorites]


I understand she told you that she and I had broken up in July, this is not true

So this is what your fiancé wrote to that co-worker. Is it true?
In that case, your co-worker has recently been given two bits of new info: 1) you cheated on your fiancé and 2) you lied to him (the co-worker). He may just not be into that specific twist of the tale. Even men want to be taken seriously every now and then.

[As per what you describe above, you've had two pretty decent men in your life. Were I in your co-worker's position, I'd be furious].

I agree with others here, if I were you, I'd spend some lone-time to find all the re-set buttons, and then perhaps start anew with someone else, in a full-fledged mutual respect-type of scenario that has long-term potential. Your co-worker will not be interested in pursuing this, and you're teetering on the edge of severely pissing him off.

Oh, and another thing. Your fiancé must have sensed something was not right. That's when even normal people get "snoop"y. I wouldn't get all huffy about it, not in your situation.
posted by Namlit at 1:25 AM on October 10, 2015 [20 favorites]


No. You absolutely should not "pursue" him. You're basically in the middle of a serious break up. Things might be basically over, but you've got five years of life and a truck load of feelings to work through.

People make mistakes and everyone is human- but girl- you still have to deal with the consiquences of your actions. At no point have you said that your ex lied or that the new guy knew about your fiancé, so I'm going to assume he didn't. That means you slept with him under false pretenses and used him to torpedo your relationship. Additionally, you are kinda snarky about how your fiancé actually caught you.

I'm sure you're a good person, but the things you did were not good. through your actions, you've made yourself look like you are decietful, disloyal, and have poor boundaries. The way you prove that this was just the product of a bad moment of time? *Deal with the end of your relationship like a grown up, and don't try to make this dude into your new boyfriend.* And whatever you do- don't retcon this into some sort of star-crossed lovers thing. He isn't the reason you broke up. Your actions were.
posted by Blisterlips at 4:31 AM on October 10, 2015 [11 favorites]


So, someday, you'll meet a great guy and you'll want his respect and trust.

Assuming for the sake of argument that said guy won't want anything like you've described above to happen to him and also assuming that this whole story would make him nervous, would you like to say:

a) I pursued the guy at work, he stopped talking to me, let's say he took it to HR, I had to get another job or

b) I immediately jumped into another relationship

or

c) I realized that some shit in my life was seriously out of order. I took a year off of dating, went to AA meetings (or however you maintain your sobriety), and made amends to both fiance and work guy by (I don't know but for your sake and theirs, give them some serious space before you write your apologies, and then make it clear you're not 'pursuing' either of them).

Good luck
posted by angrycat at 6:03 AM on October 10, 2015 [20 favorites]


It sounds like your co-worker rejected you already. That and a million other reasons make pursuing him a bad idea.

But I mean, if you really want to do it, we can't stop you. So, go ahead.

You'd be best served by working on yourself and trying to put together a new life for yourself first, though.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:15 AM on October 10, 2015


If you pursue a co-worker who is not interested you run the very real risk of ruining your career in addition to your engagement. Take some time to work on yourself.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:24 AM on October 10, 2015 [9 favorites]


If your coworker didn't know about you still being in a relationship with your fiancé, then you cheated on your coworker too. You cheated on both of them. I think you should do your best to forget both of them, learn from your mistakes, don't cheat on anyone else in the future, and move on.
posted by a strong female character at 7:32 AM on October 10, 2015 [4 favorites]


Oh and I agree with others that your fiancé was not "snooping". He obviously had suspicions and knew you were not going to be truthful so he decided to find out the truth for himself.
posted by a strong female character at 7:34 AM on October 10, 2015 [5 favorites]


First, drop 'should' from the question, and ask yourself why you want to pursue someone who has already indicated they don't want to be pursued.

Second, find a therapist to work through that question with.

Third, you might want to start looking for a new job depending on how professional you and your co-worker are able to be about this.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:42 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Caveat, we have a daughter together.

Thanks for your honest opinions. I will not contact him. I've cried for days about this situation. I made an awful choice and I cannot articulate my fear of losing my daughter. If I could rewind the last week, I would.

I am a bad mother. She has mostly been at family while we sort this out. She is my world. I cannot lose her. She is three.

We don't work together directly, he is higher up. Several floors up.
posted by somersault at 7:45 AM on October 10, 2015


Response by poster: I cannot seem to find hours in the day to take time off; i work finance.
posted by somersault at 7:46 AM on October 10, 2015


Response by poster: I wish I could articulate this loss. We're going to have to remain here as we haven't built significant equity nor can we afford life without one another.
posted by somersault at 7:48 AM on October 10, 2015


Since you have to live in the same house for now, is there any chance that couples therapy might help repair things? This will work only if you give up the self-destructive behavior, and if he believes you can do that.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:56 AM on October 10, 2015


Mod note: One comment deleted. Hey somersault, I know this is an overwhelming time, but still we ask folks not to make lots of updates to their own threads. If you need to talk to somebody immediately about this, there are crisis hotline resources in the Mefi ThereIsHelp wiki page, or just for one example, you can try crisischat.org. You will get through this. You can also reach us at the contact form at any time.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:04 AM on October 10, 2015 [5 favorites]


You've made a mistake, but that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother. Do you go to AA? Is there a meeting near you that you could attend tonight?

Before this happened, how was your relationship with your fiancé? Do you think you might want to try working things out with him? If so, do you think he could forgive you? If this was a one time thing perhaps it doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship, particularly as you have a child together. Regardless, I think couples counselling could help you to figure out how to move forward as co-parents whether or not you stay together.

Try to forget your colleague. He's a red herring and a distraction from what really matters here. He isn't interested in pursuing things with you and the sooner you truly understand and accept that the better.
posted by hazyjane at 10:01 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Letting your three year old stay with family and away from the shit storm at home is very exactly the opposite of bad mother. That is a very healthy idea, and although you miss her you're doing what is in her best interest. That is good parenting. Not another thought in that direction, dear.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 10:43 AM on October 10, 2015 [18 favorites]


We don't work together directly, he is higher up. Several floors up...We're going to have to remain here as we haven't built significant equity nor can we afford life without one another.

Quit with pursuing the coworker already, if you can't afford life without one another you can't afford to torpedo your position at this company either.

Just stop it already. Absolutely no more personal messages to coworker.

As far as not being able to afford life without one another, many people change what they are choosing to afford when ending a relationship. Really understand that and you will either be more motivated to work things out or motivated to figure out how to get out of relationship with fiance.

Don't assume fiance is thinking to themselves that they have to stay in a relationship with you because the "can't afford life" -- they might rather live on less money, you don't get to force them to stick around just so you can maintain your current lifestyle.
posted by yohko at 10:51 AM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


You should stay far, far away from your co-worker, hope you keep your job, and stay out of relationships for awhile.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:17 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Drop all romance/heartache thoughts and feelings in a journal and or on a therapist. Do not act on them. You need stability. Go through motions of working and parenting for six months or a year, doing everything by the book. The storm will calm down if you let it.
posted by ead at 12:03 PM on October 10, 2015


Your previous questions suggest a history of unpleasant situations concerning alcohol, relationships or employment, with what looks to me to show perhaps more than a little desire for creating drama. If there is an underlying issue(alcoholism?) that's causing you to keep repeating bad life decisions over a period of several years, you'll need to deal with that first before you can rebuild your life. Otherwise you'll keep making the same bad decisions.

You need to be well - physically and mentally - for your daughter. She needs a mother who can give her a stable environment in which to thrive. It doesn't sound as if you can do this without help. Seek out some therapy to find out why you've got yourself into a pattern of making bad choices and what you can do to change it.
posted by essexjan at 3:56 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


somersault, I know that you are sorry that you cheated on your fiancé'...but you did, you sabotaged the relationship and there must be some real reason for it. You did this "purposefully" for some reason. Maybe you are playing some old tape about creating drama when things are going too smoothly. In reality, you don't really need to dig out the deep psychological reasons for doing this...what is done is done. Don't beat yourself up anymore than is necessary here. You are not the first person to make a big mistake like this. Pick up the pieces and learn from all this and forgive yourself. Take a break from relationships for awhile.
posted by naplesyellow at 7:52 PM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


If the co-worker doesn't want to see you, you have to respect that and that is his right. Drop it.

Maybe you can learn from this experience and work on yourself as a person instead of more romantic pursuits. Like honesty -- if you had been honest with the co-worker, either he wouldn't have slept with you and you'd still have you fiance, or he would've slept with you and you'd still have him. Faithfulness -- maybe next time, just don't cheat on the guy you're building a life with. The fact is, getting married doesn't mean you stop feeling tempted by other people, but it does mean you made a commitment to choosing that person. You shouldn't get engaged if you're doing on a feeling and not a decision. Boundaries -- at minimum, you should consider instituting a no sex with co-workers policy. But going back to the idea of temptations, you should think about whether you have set up the appropriate boundaries as a woman in a relationship with a kid. Alcohol -- is it a problem for you? Do you need help?
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:55 PM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Please ignore this if it's off the mark, but I think naplesyellow has a point about people playing old tapes. Was your family of origin by any chance one where drama and chaos are the norm and you default to that because in a weird way it is what's comfortable?

You're in crisis mode right now and the priority has to be with getting things stabilized for your daughter. But at some point I think you might want to look deeply into why this happened. And because you and your partner have a child, it might not be a bad idea to get couples therapy even if you are sure you are splitting up. You are going to have to co-operate to parent your child.

For some reason, I've become focused with co-worker. Maybe it's because it's the only thing I can hold onto.

Maybe because it's easier to look at him as the reason your marriage broke down, as opposed to what was going on in the marriage? You don't say anything about that at all. People are suspicious, rightfully so I guess, about spouses claiming they cheated because of something wrong in the marriage. And suggesting in any way to your partner it's their fault you cheated is a very bad idea. But you didn't cheat in the sense of a long-term affair; you kind of burned the marriage down in one night. Something was going on there.
posted by BibiRose at 7:07 AM on October 11, 2015 [3 favorites]


Trying to jump from one important relationship to another suggests that you may not have found your independent self yet. Being independent ly strong is frightening at first, but becomes a powerful thing.
posted by jander03 at 1:20 AM on October 13, 2015


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