Please save my daughter from being expelled!
October 9, 2015 4:19 PM Subscribe
My 13 year old daughter has just started boarding school. When she leaves her phone unattended for even a minute, one of her roommates snatches the phone and uses it to send lurid "sexts" to a boy my daughter likes. My daughter is now facing disciplinery action for these messages. How can she protect her phone? Passcodes she forgets, or tells someone. I've looked at fingerprint ID, facial recognition and other methods but they all come up lacking. What do you guys suggest? She has an iPhone 4s.
This has happened more than once? Are you sure she's not just blaming her roommate? Because if this were truly a distressing, mortifying thing, she'd put a passcode on her phone and not tell the roommate again.
posted by sageleaf at 4:30 PM on October 9, 2015 [55 favorites]
posted by sageleaf at 4:30 PM on October 9, 2015 [55 favorites]
Downgrade her to a regular phone.
It will be hard to find a phone without text messaging capability these days.
Learning not to give your passwords to your friends is an important lesson. If she can't avoid that there won't be much you can do to secure the phone.
posted by grouse at 4:31 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
It will be hard to find a phone without text messaging capability these days.
Learning not to give your passwords to your friends is an important lesson. If she can't avoid that there won't be much you can do to secure the phone.
posted by grouse at 4:31 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
Are these photo sexts? If for some reason you don't want to get rid of the phone (and really, that's the best option), but the phone in a case. Put a piece of paper INSIDE the case, blocking the camera lenses. The idea is that using the camera should require actually getting the case off. If it really is just a minute of inattention, then a minute won't be enough.
You can also get her some sort of clip or strap so the phone is always on her person (i.e. if it's attached to her she can't put it down).
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 4:32 PM on October 9, 2015
You can also get her some sort of clip or strap so the phone is always on her person (i.e. if it's attached to her she can't put it down).
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 4:32 PM on October 9, 2015
Best answer: You can set the passcode on an iPhone to be a single character. People don't expect a single character passcode so it's even less likely to be guessed. Back when I had an iPhone my passcode was just the letter t.
Even the most forgetful kid can remember a single letter.
posted by phunniemee at 4:33 PM on October 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
Even the most forgetful kid can remember a single letter.
posted by phunniemee at 4:33 PM on October 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
No phone. At all until Christmas.
Not as punishment, but as a teaching aid. She is a new school, and adjustments takes time.
posted by Rabarberofficer at 4:34 PM on October 9, 2015
Not as punishment, but as a teaching aid. She is a new school, and adjustments takes time.
posted by Rabarberofficer at 4:34 PM on October 9, 2015
But for what it's worth, I don't believe the story either. That's exactly the lie I would have told when I was her age. And that in fact I did tell about explicit messages back on AIM as a young kid.
posted by phunniemee at 4:35 PM on October 9, 2015 [31 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 4:35 PM on October 9, 2015 [31 favorites]
I think what concerns me is the whole sexting part. In my experience, it's other guys who find it acceptable to ask for sexts, and often pressure girls into sending them in order to win their approval. Combined with budding sexuality and feeling shame over being caught, and I would be concerned. If they are picture texts, I also would be wary of whoever has those pictures in their possession, due to child pornography issues. Very good Q&A guide from Scarleteen here for parents and teens.
Also, even if you do downgrade her to a flip phone, that roommate would find other ways to be malicious and bully her. If anything, flip phones are even easier because there is no pass-code, and you can still send pictures and texts. I'm not really sure if the phone is the issue here.
posted by yueliang at 4:37 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
Also, even if you do downgrade her to a flip phone, that roommate would find other ways to be malicious and bully her. If anything, flip phones are even easier because there is no pass-code, and you can still send pictures and texts. I'm not really sure if the phone is the issue here.
posted by yueliang at 4:37 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
Assuming your daughter is telling the truth... Even a regular phone wouldn't help--roommates could still send texts from it. I don't understand she can be responsible enough not to lose the phone but not responsible enough to lock it or remember a passcode.
Can you explain what you think is lacking about a fingerprint to unlock the phone? That seems like an ideal solution and probably enough of a barrier to a nefarious roommate. (Sure they could lift her print but that takes dedication...)
Alternate ideas: ask your carrier if they can block her ability to text. (But then she might use other apps for texting, so you also have her carrier turn off the data for the phone.) Now all it can do is make phone calls....
(Also, if you believe her story, what are you doing about this malicious roommate and the boy who may or may not be soliciting these texts? It seems like their parents should be on alert too.)
posted by purple_bird at 4:41 PM on October 9, 2015 [22 favorites]
Can you explain what you think is lacking about a fingerprint to unlock the phone? That seems like an ideal solution and probably enough of a barrier to a nefarious roommate. (Sure they could lift her print but that takes dedication...)
Alternate ideas: ask your carrier if they can block her ability to text. (But then she might use other apps for texting, so you also have her carrier turn off the data for the phone.) Now all it can do is make phone calls....
(Also, if you believe her story, what are you doing about this malicious roommate and the boy who may or may not be soliciting these texts? It seems like their parents should be on alert too.)
posted by purple_bird at 4:41 PM on October 9, 2015 [22 favorites]
Yeah she needs to learn how to use the phone responsibly and remember a passcode or she doesn't get a phone. Dumb phones still have texting.
However I would be concerned about the truth and reasons behind this. Even if she doesn't have a phone there's still email and social media that can be accessed through any computer. I think this whole situations deserves a big family discussion about Internet and interpersonal boundaries and the phone is a symptom.
posted by Crystalinne at 4:41 PM on October 9, 2015 [22 favorites]
However I would be concerned about the truth and reasons behind this. Even if she doesn't have a phone there's still email and social media that can be accessed through any computer. I think this whole situations deserves a big family discussion about Internet and interpersonal boundaries and the phone is a symptom.
posted by Crystalinne at 4:41 PM on October 9, 2015 [22 favorites]
You make a deal with the school: your daughter gets a very limited phone until she proves she's responsible enough to use more features, they put her with new roommates.
Or, if the school is unable to understand that more than one person is the problem here, I'd say you might as well pull her because this is going to end badly one way or another. There's a lot of red flags here, and not all of them are on your child.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:44 PM on October 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
Or, if the school is unable to understand that more than one person is the problem here, I'd say you might as well pull her because this is going to end badly one way or another. There's a lot of red flags here, and not all of them are on your child.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:44 PM on October 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
If she can't remember a passcode and keep her phone secure both physically and with regard to a secret passcode, she can't have a phone. She's not showing enough responsibility/maturity for one yet.
I also don't quite believe the story about the roommate the way it's been told to you. I'm glad the school is taking it seriously, this could lead to real trouble for your daughter. Especially if she starts sending graphic photos.
posted by quince at 4:51 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
I also don't quite believe the story about the roommate the way it's been told to you. I'm glad the school is taking it seriously, this could lead to real trouble for your daughter. Especially if she starts sending graphic photos.
posted by quince at 4:51 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
I can excuse a 13 year old forgetting a passcode or inappropriately sharing it once, but I cannot fathom this being enough of a recurring issue that a passcode is an unworkable solution. Especially if the consequences are incredible embarrassment, expulsion or loss of phone privileges. Did she tell you that she is unable to use a passcode? Is that part of her explanation as to why her roommate has done this multiple times? If she truly lacks the mental ability or self-control to remember a passcode and keep it to herself, is she really ready for boarding school? If you want to go the Touch ID route, that should be foolproof-- you could just not tell her the passcode, and give it to an adult at the school for when the phone requires a passcode. But you'd have to give her a newer phone (5S or later) and I don't know that a reward is appropriate here.
Also keep in mind that if she has a computer, texts (or equivalent messages) can be sent from that too.
posted by acidic at 4:52 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
Also keep in mind that if she has a computer, texts (or equivalent messages) can be sent from that too.
posted by acidic at 4:52 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
My son went through this at about the same age. He had two horrible human beings who would latch on to him whenever he went to church. One would actually take his phone out of his pocket when he wasn't looking. The other one would stalk him until she found a moment where he had put it down. They would both post stupid things on fb and send bad texts. The first kid, the thief, even went so far as to use a different phone to send text messages as my son to the girl that my son liked. It was really scummy.
We switched churches.
Problem solved.
Some kids are just horrible. Your child probably isn't. Protect her from her roommate because, it doesn't matter how safe or unavailable her phone is, a scummy kid is going to figure out a way to bully her.
posted by myselfasme at 4:53 PM on October 9, 2015 [15 favorites]
We switched churches.
Problem solved.
Some kids are just horrible. Your child probably isn't. Protect her from her roommate because, it doesn't matter how safe or unavailable her phone is, a scummy kid is going to figure out a way to bully her.
posted by myselfasme at 4:53 PM on October 9, 2015 [15 favorites]
She's 13. Unless she has a cognitive issue, she should be able to remember a passcode and not give it out.
posted by amro at 4:59 PM on October 9, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by amro at 4:59 PM on October 9, 2015 [17 favorites]
grouse: "It will be hard to find a phone without text messaging capability these days."
Fairly easy actually as there are quite a few phones marketed for use by children and the elderly that can only phone a few numbers. The one I bought for my father only had 5 buttons. One for each preprogammed number.
posted by Mitheral at 5:00 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Fairly easy actually as there are quite a few phones marketed for use by children and the elderly that can only phone a few numbers. The one I bought for my father only had 5 buttons. One for each preprogammed number.
posted by Mitheral at 5:00 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
She probably sent the texts. She's also probably very afraid and confused right now, and maybe if you offer amnesty (both embarrassment-wise and punishment-wise) this once in exchange for an honest conversation in which you discuss boys and motivations and fitting in and sexual attractions and wanting boys to like you and the potential repercussions, emotional and physical, of actions, pictures and text, you'll save a lot more trouble down the line than taking her phone. Now is the crucial point where you *maybe* stand a chance of making it into her teens still having her trust. She's lying because she's ashamed and I'm sure it's very confusing to be a teenager who experiences arousal but isn't ready to act on it when boys are texting and peer pressure is pressuring and the pressure for kids to be adults is higher than ever. And yes make the boy's mother or parent aware. The world is a reflection of how children play. The biggest things I would worry about teaching my daughter to forget even more so than a phone password:
the right to say no
The right to be different than her peers
The right to come to her mom for help
Etc.
This is coming from someone who was an oversexualized young teen JUST long enough ago to have some perspective on the matter. Just my two cents, but I really believe in maintaining trust between parents and kids/teens/adult kids.
posted by jitterbug perfume at 5:03 PM on October 9, 2015 [46 favorites]
the right to say no
The right to be different than her peers
The right to come to her mom for help
Etc.
This is coming from someone who was an oversexualized young teen JUST long enough ago to have some perspective on the matter. Just my two cents, but I really believe in maintaining trust between parents and kids/teens/adult kids.
posted by jitterbug perfume at 5:03 PM on October 9, 2015 [46 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow, some really harsh answers there guys. I think a few people went off-message. The basic question is "how do you firewall an iPhone?" not "is my daughter a lying tramp". Besides, if she was the culprit and the messages continued after the phone was protected, she would be exposed. But she is asking US to do it.
on the positive side, it seems that a simple passcode is the key, and not a high tech solution is the answer. Thanks x.
posted by Gabriel ricci at 5:15 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
on the positive side, it seems that a simple passcode is the key, and not a high tech solution is the answer. Thanks x.
posted by Gabriel ricci at 5:15 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
The only person to use the word "tramp" in this discussion is you.
posted by jesourie at 5:21 PM on October 9, 2015 [194 favorites]
posted by jesourie at 5:21 PM on October 9, 2015 [194 favorites]
With the iPhone, you can set it so that it shuts off after 30 seconds of activity, which is a pain.
That's not going to do any good unless she also password-protects it. Have her get into the habit of turning off the phone when she puts it down, and to turn away and not let anyone see her entering her passcode.
posted by SillyShepherd at 5:23 PM on October 9, 2015
That's not going to do any good unless she also password-protects it. Have her get into the habit of turning off the phone when she puts it down, and to turn away and not let anyone see her entering her passcode.
posted by SillyShepherd at 5:23 PM on October 9, 2015
Best answer: I'm a software developer and I've worked on security code, so I know I should keep all my devices encrypted and locked. But using a password on my phone was such an annoyance (just taking an extra second or two every time I do anything with my phone) that I really resisted doing it.
What finally got me to properly lock my phone was the "Smart Unlock" feature in Android 5, which can keep the phone unlocked as long as it's in range of a bluetooth device (fitness band, smart watch, car stereo...) or in a certain geographical location, or wi-fi network.
You still need a passcode as a backup, but it becomes a lot less annoying if you don't need to use it much of the time. I imagine that biometric security (fingerprint, face recognition) could also be useful like this: not as a complete solution by themselves, but one a part of a more usable security system.
posted by mbrubeck at 5:24 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
What finally got me to properly lock my phone was the "Smart Unlock" feature in Android 5, which can keep the phone unlocked as long as it's in range of a bluetooth device (fitness band, smart watch, car stereo...) or in a certain geographical location, or wi-fi network.
You still need a passcode as a backup, but it becomes a lot less annoying if you don't need to use it much of the time. I imagine that biometric security (fingerprint, face recognition) could also be useful like this: not as a complete solution by themselves, but one a part of a more usable security system.
posted by mbrubeck at 5:24 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
I would upgrade her to an iPhone 5S so she can have access to TouchID. That'll stymie her roommate more than a standard 4 character phone lock password.
posted by Hermione Granger at 5:27 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 5:27 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
For the record, lying 13 year-olds are not lying tramps - no one is saying that. Sexting 13 year olds aren't tramps either. Both of those activities if a 13 year old is doing them just makes them typically 13. If you discover that your daughter is either lying or sexting or both, I hope you will remember that because she will need some compassionate guidance not hyperbolic judgement. Taking the phone away IS a compassionate way to help her mature into a responsible woman without judging her for being "trampy" at 13. If the passcode works, great! But if it doesn't, just take the phone away for awhile.
posted by dness2 at 5:28 PM on October 9, 2015 [49 favorites]
posted by dness2 at 5:28 PM on October 9, 2015 [49 favorites]
I lied to my parents precisely because they used words like tramp to describe my friends who were less clandestine about their flirting than I was.
posted by phunniemee at 5:32 PM on October 9, 2015 [51 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 5:32 PM on October 9, 2015 [51 favorites]
Response by poster: I think using the term "tramp" may have been a mistake. Here in the UK its a very tame term meaning someone who makes poor relationship choices. Its not a sexual term.
posted by Gabriel ricci at 5:34 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Gabriel ricci at 5:34 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Apologies for going off-message, was definitely reacting from a protective standpoint that wasn't the most helpful. I know here in the US, there's so much shaming of young girls exploring their sexuality and young boys who want the same, but then malicious bullying is also no joke either.
I would think the fingerprint smartphone would work the best, because it requires your daughter's existence to verify it, and it doesn't require extra brainpower. You can also add your own fingerprint option to activate the iPhone 6, as well as also issue a passcode. It should be very secure after that point, unless the roommate is a well-trained hacker.
posted by yueliang at 5:54 PM on October 9, 2015
I would think the fingerprint smartphone would work the best, because it requires your daughter's existence to verify it, and it doesn't require extra brainpower. You can also add your own fingerprint option to activate the iPhone 6, as well as also issue a passcode. It should be very secure after that point, unless the roommate is a well-trained hacker.
posted by yueliang at 5:54 PM on October 9, 2015
She's just a kid. And you must allow that sometimes kids get upset because they see, at that age, what their parents might think of them and they don't want the stress of having their parents think of them badly for something they didn't think the parent would find out about. She didn't do anything out of the ordinary (as far as what I've read regarding what kids do today).
Regardless of who did what, the problem is that we just need to keep sexts from being sent to and from her phone. And she might be the best one to come up with a solution. It has to be on her to keep her phone out of her roommates hands.
Maybe just tell her that if her roommates are snatching her phone and doing these things, then maybe it's just safer for her not to have a phone, especially since people live in close quarters at boarding school.
There is also the possibility of asking for a room switch and new roommates, etc., different dorm.
There are phones for older people with that she can have that don't seem to be particularly good for much other than phone calls.
posted by discopolo at 6:05 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Regardless of who did what, the problem is that we just need to keep sexts from being sent to and from her phone. And she might be the best one to come up with a solution. It has to be on her to keep her phone out of her roommates hands.
Maybe just tell her that if her roommates are snatching her phone and doing these things, then maybe it's just safer for her not to have a phone, especially since people live in close quarters at boarding school.
There is also the possibility of asking for a room switch and new roommates, etc., different dorm.
There are phones for older people with that she can have that don't seem to be particularly good for much other than phone calls.
posted by discopolo at 6:05 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
TouchID on an iphone isn't really going to help you. The phone still requires the passcode on a restart/upgrade and it's a common enough occurrence that it'll come up. I guess if she's forgetting it you can remind her but if she's not keeping it to herself that's a different matter.
posted by phearlez at 6:21 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by phearlez at 6:21 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have my ipads and my iphones synced so txts go to all devices simultaneously Maybe sync her iphone to your ipad so you can "step in" (if that is what she wants) or at least be aware of what messages are happening.
posted by saucysault at 6:28 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by saucysault at 6:28 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Appreciate that your daughter has asked you for help, but come on man, this:
Passcodes she forgets, or tells someone.
Is a load, and I'm surprised any parent would swallow it. A 4 digit code is not hard to remember, she could use her student number, a birthday or year she was born in, street number twice over, your phone number, a million things.
You don't need to uncritically accept the idea that there's literally nothing in her life she could remember. If she's giving her passwords to other kids, that's on her, man.
posted by smoke at 6:32 PM on October 9, 2015 [43 favorites]
Passcodes she forgets, or tells someone.
Is a load, and I'm surprised any parent would swallow it. A 4 digit code is not hard to remember, she could use her student number, a birthday or year she was born in, street number twice over, your phone number, a million things.
You don't need to uncritically accept the idea that there's literally nothing in her life she could remember. If she's giving her passwords to other kids, that's on her, man.
posted by smoke at 6:32 PM on October 9, 2015 [43 favorites]
If she can be bullied or persuaded into giving up the passcode, she can be bullied or persuaded into activating the fingerprint ID (or whatever.) I suspect this will show up in other ways even if the phone is handled somehow. Mostly because either she has serious impulse control issues or there are multiple kids who have ID'd her as a soft and rewarding target (or both, yay.) You need some social engineering here, not just technical solutions.
Having said that, the fingerprint method will work better than any other biometric system currently in use on phones. Personally, I prefer custom gestures to four-digit codes, but I suspect that in this case the gesture would be too easy to duplicate.
posted by SMPA at 6:43 PM on October 9, 2015 [10 favorites]
Having said that, the fingerprint method will work better than any other biometric system currently in use on phones. Personally, I prefer custom gestures to four-digit codes, but I suspect that in this case the gesture would be too easy to duplicate.
posted by SMPA at 6:43 PM on October 9, 2015 [10 favorites]
Everyone who is so convinced she should be able to remember a passcode: let's please assume the OP knows whether this is true of their child. If it's not, perhaps because of disability or developmental delay or even just because she can't, is it really particularly helpful to belabor the point?
OP, if she does go with a very simple passcode, she should try to disguise that from the other kids, perhaps by pretending to press more buttons, because anyone who is this obnoxious will look over her shoulder. She might also try listing the boy under a fake name so it's less-obvious how to be cruel.
posted by teremala at 7:38 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
OP, if she does go with a very simple passcode, she should try to disguise that from the other kids, perhaps by pretending to press more buttons, because anyone who is this obnoxious will look over her shoulder. She might also try listing the boy under a fake name so it's less-obvious how to be cruel.
posted by teremala at 7:38 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
If the roommate is the problem, I suggest a good solid lockbox for her to keep her phone and other valuables in at night. I attended boarding school and theft and misuse of others' property was rampant. There were no boundaries. To me, her story is believable (not really interested in questioning it) and it is appropriate for her to take measures to protect herself.
posted by bibliotropic at 7:42 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by bibliotropic at 7:42 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Well, one of the easiest passcodes is the year she was born. Yes, it's not very secure, but it's still better than no passcode. For added security, reverse the numbers.
posted by O9scar at 8:20 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by O9scar at 8:20 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
You could also try a password where she spells a word/name out with the number pad.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:24 PM on October 9, 2015
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:24 PM on October 9, 2015
It's entirely possible that your daughter is telling the truth. I can't say one way or the other, and I hope you can find a way for her to protect her phone. Perhaps a fanny pack or some very small crossbody purse she keeps on her at all times would help?
The only thing I'd like to suggest is that you ask your daughter one more time if there's anything else she needs to tell you, and offer her COMPLETE AMNESTY if there's anything she hasn't told you about this. Obviously she'd still need to face whatever disciplinary action there is at school, but -nothing- extra from you. Not even disapproval, if you can swing it.
The reason I say this is that this situation feels awfully similar to one I found myself in as a kid (I was in third grade at the time.) I got my mom's brush stuck in my hair and it would NOT come out. I panicked, and cut it out. I thought she wouldn't notice the big missing chunk of hair. Of course she noticed, duh. So I lied: a kid at school cut it. I thought that would be the end of it. Well, she went ballistic. She demanded a name. I panicked again. I named a black boy. My parents went to the principal and made a big fuss. I felt backed into a corner - there was no way I could confess now. It continued to spiral out of proportion: I'd picked the wrong black kid. The kid I'd accused angrily proclaimed his innocence and his parents came to the school and backed him up. So I named a different black kid. A poor kid. A troublemaker. Said he'd threatened me. I spun my awful lying off as fear. Nobody believed him when he said he didn't do it. Frankly, I would have been so unspeakably relieved if somebody had sat me down and said, "Your story has some holes in it, and we'd like to offer you a chance to come clean." Or if they'd just called bullshit on me. It's not like it was a particularly watertight story. But, I was too squeaky clean and my parents were too involved for anything like that to happen.
Incidentally, this was the single worst thing I've done in my entire life and it has deeply colored my perceptions of race and racism. I'm still too ashamed to even think about telling my parents - they fought hard for me, even though I spent every second of it desperately wishing they wouldn't. As far as they're concerned, I'm taking this one to the grave.
I'm not your daughter, and obviously I know nothing about her. But, just in case she got caught in a lie that she thought would make something go away and instead it has spiraled out of control, tell her you love her no matter what, and you know it's hard to be 13 and it's hard to be away from home for the first time, and offer her amnesty if there's any more to the story she hasn't told you.
posted by telepanda at 8:29 PM on October 9, 2015 [51 favorites]
The only thing I'd like to suggest is that you ask your daughter one more time if there's anything else she needs to tell you, and offer her COMPLETE AMNESTY if there's anything she hasn't told you about this. Obviously she'd still need to face whatever disciplinary action there is at school, but -nothing- extra from you. Not even disapproval, if you can swing it.
The reason I say this is that this situation feels awfully similar to one I found myself in as a kid (I was in third grade at the time.) I got my mom's brush stuck in my hair and it would NOT come out. I panicked, and cut it out. I thought she wouldn't notice the big missing chunk of hair. Of course she noticed, duh. So I lied: a kid at school cut it. I thought that would be the end of it. Well, she went ballistic. She demanded a name. I panicked again. I named a black boy. My parents went to the principal and made a big fuss. I felt backed into a corner - there was no way I could confess now. It continued to spiral out of proportion: I'd picked the wrong black kid. The kid I'd accused angrily proclaimed his innocence and his parents came to the school and backed him up. So I named a different black kid. A poor kid. A troublemaker. Said he'd threatened me. I spun my awful lying off as fear. Nobody believed him when he said he didn't do it. Frankly, I would have been so unspeakably relieved if somebody had sat me down and said, "Your story has some holes in it, and we'd like to offer you a chance to come clean." Or if they'd just called bullshit on me. It's not like it was a particularly watertight story. But, I was too squeaky clean and my parents were too involved for anything like that to happen.
Incidentally, this was the single worst thing I've done in my entire life and it has deeply colored my perceptions of race and racism. I'm still too ashamed to even think about telling my parents - they fought hard for me, even though I spent every second of it desperately wishing they wouldn't. As far as they're concerned, I'm taking this one to the grave.
I'm not your daughter, and obviously I know nothing about her. But, just in case she got caught in a lie that she thought would make something go away and instead it has spiraled out of control, tell her you love her no matter what, and you know it's hard to be 13 and it's hard to be away from home for the first time, and offer her amnesty if there's any more to the story she hasn't told you.
posted by telepanda at 8:29 PM on October 9, 2015 [51 favorites]
Hope this isn't off, but if she knows how important the phone is to her, and is still giving out the passcode, are you sure she isn't being bullied or pressured to giving it out? It's easy to have a passcode she can remember, but this seems like two different issues, and need to be dealt with separately.
posted by Vaike at 8:53 PM on October 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Vaike at 8:53 PM on October 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
Just reread. They are texts going to a boy she likes? She's either being harassed by the other girls or she is trying to evade blame.
posted by Vaike at 8:57 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Vaike at 8:57 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
Look, hold your child accountable. Whoever sent the sexts, fine. If it's the roommate, fine. She is thirteen years old. She can be responsible for remembering a code on her phone. If she has critically serious short term memory issues or common sense issues re:telling her friends the password, then she needs to be held accountable. I.e. Take her phone away. Introduce your daughter to the world of landline phones until she can get it together.
I am a teacher of young children. I see significant differences in the functioning of kids whose parents are overly eager to do everything in their power to fix their children's (frequently self inflicted) problems (e.g. posting on the internet about what sophisticated phone features can be added to "solve" this problem) versus kids whose parents kind of just let their kids incur the natural consequences for their actions. Please do your daughter and society at large a favor by stepping away from this one (and preferably confiscating her phone during the backwards stepping process). These situations are natural for children and letting her get familiar with consequences will help her grow into a responsible, well-functioning member of society.
Seriously, don't raise the kid whose mom fixed all this stuff for them growing up. It's not good.
posted by mermily at 10:22 PM on October 9, 2015 [34 favorites]
I am a teacher of young children. I see significant differences in the functioning of kids whose parents are overly eager to do everything in their power to fix their children's (frequently self inflicted) problems (e.g. posting on the internet about what sophisticated phone features can be added to "solve" this problem) versus kids whose parents kind of just let their kids incur the natural consequences for their actions. Please do your daughter and society at large a favor by stepping away from this one (and preferably confiscating her phone during the backwards stepping process). These situations are natural for children and letting her get familiar with consequences will help her grow into a responsible, well-functioning member of society.
Seriously, don't raise the kid whose mom fixed all this stuff for them growing up. It's not good.
posted by mermily at 10:22 PM on October 9, 2015 [34 favorites]
Mod note: Quick note here: There's a compelling backstory included in the post, so I understand the impulse to offer wide-ranging advice as opposed to focusing on the narrow question, but since the post is actually asking for ideas for securing the phone, it does not include the sort of info needed for informed suggestions on other possible issues. Let's please stick to general topic of the phone problem, and OP can choose to pursue other questions later if they wish.
posted by taz (staff) at 12:39 AM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by taz (staff) at 12:39 AM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
A tangentially-related suggestion: can you get her a tiny handbag/phone carrier so she always has her phone with her?
posted by kinetic at 5:14 AM on October 10, 2015
posted by kinetic at 5:14 AM on October 10, 2015
To focus purely on the phone for a moment, you need:
1) physically protect the phone. Small crossbody bag, and have her give it to an authority figure during things like sports practice.
2) very simple and meaningful passcode, like her age or your dog's name or something
3) fingerprint access so her friends see her typing her simple passcode as rarely as possible.
posted by telepanda at 6:00 AM on October 10, 2015
1) physically protect the phone. Small crossbody bag, and have her give it to an authority figure during things like sports practice.
2) very simple and meaningful passcode, like her age or your dog's name or something
3) fingerprint access so her friends see her typing her simple passcode as rarely as possible.
posted by telepanda at 6:00 AM on October 10, 2015
You seem to have decided that a passcode makes the most sense, but I'm not really clear with how that works with your question which states that either she can't remember them or she is incapable of keeping them secret (either because she tells people or because they watch her type it in), and that her roommates grab the phone the second she puts it down -- way too quickly for the screen to lock.
If she can remember a passcode and is going to make a concerted effort to lock it when she isn't using it, to hide the screen when she unlocks it, and to keep it with her at all times so no one can grab it, it might work -- though people are imperfect, and she can make this kind of mistake.
Other things that might help -- hide the apps used on a different page or in a folder (this isn't foolproof, it just takes more time), remove the boy's account as a friend/contact/whatever (or rename it to something not obvious, just call him Joseph or whatever).
I would like to also say that this story just does not add up. Your daughter is probably fine, but she's 13 and 13 year olds make stupid choices even when they are fine.
posted by jeather at 6:39 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
If she can remember a passcode and is going to make a concerted effort to lock it when she isn't using it, to hide the screen when she unlocks it, and to keep it with her at all times so no one can grab it, it might work -- though people are imperfect, and she can make this kind of mistake.
Other things that might help -- hide the apps used on a different page or in a folder (this isn't foolproof, it just takes more time), remove the boy's account as a friend/contact/whatever (or rename it to something not obvious, just call him Joseph or whatever).
I would like to also say that this story just does not add up. Your daughter is probably fine, but she's 13 and 13 year olds make stupid choices even when they are fine.
posted by jeather at 6:39 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Go and talk to someone at the school. They will have suggestions for what they will require your daughter to do to prevent suspension. You are looking for ways to prevent your daughter from having her phone used in an inappropriate matter but the school may require something completely different. They may also have insight into why this happened in the first place. If the school is unhelpful, then my best suggestion would be to eliminate the problem for a while. Take the phone away from your daughter, at least for the time being. It is obvious that she is not responsible enough or doesn't understand the responsibilities of having a phone. You can add nanny programs to her computer and block so much with parental controls that this kind of episode should not happen again.
posted by BostonCannuck at 8:29 AM on October 10, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by BostonCannuck at 8:29 AM on October 10, 2015 [9 favorites]
I also think that blocking text messages, rather than protecting just the phone, may be a good way to go here. Depending on what carrier you have they may be able to just remove texting from her phone plan, or you can add a blocklist through the carrier (I know Verizon does this, not sure about carriers in the UK) and put the boy's number on there, as well as any other trouble-makers that pop up.
You might also want to look at some of the lists that exist for parental control apps, as seen here. I think the red herring here for you is that (at least according to your daughter) there are hostile parties controlling her phone. You can use the same apps that other parents use for their "bad texting" progeny, even if your daughter herself isn't the problem, and whoa boy do a multitude of those apps exist. Think about what you want the end goal of your daughter having a phone to be - is it being able to call/text you? Then use parental control apps to allow that and very little else.
posted by permiechickie at 1:04 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
You might also want to look at some of the lists that exist for parental control apps, as seen here. I think the red herring here for you is that (at least according to your daughter) there are hostile parties controlling her phone. You can use the same apps that other parents use for their "bad texting" progeny, even if your daughter herself isn't the problem, and whoa boy do a multitude of those apps exist. Think about what you want the end goal of your daughter having a phone to be - is it being able to call/text you? Then use parental control apps to allow that and very little else.
posted by permiechickie at 1:04 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Late to the party on this, but if it helps OP, OP's daughter, or a future person dealing with boarding school, I figure I might as well share my experience.
I went to boarding school. It was in the pre-smartphone era, but still.
My first semester at boarding school, I was bullied mercilessly by the other girls in my suite (our dorms had suites of three rooms, two girls to a room). A lot of what they did was pretty harmless, especially at first. Stuff that is probably within the realm of messing with someone's phone. I didn't want to tell, because A) nobody likes a tattletale, and B) I had been bullied by jocks at my previous school, and these were smart nerdy good kids like me, which made it hard to frame as bullying.
Then it escalated. One of the girls pissed on my towel. (Yes. Ugh.) My wallet went missing. FINALLY I spoke up to my R.A. about what was going on.
One thing I really didn't expect, because I was used to the shitty teachers at my previous non-residential school who enabled the cycle of bullying, was that the residential staff took my concerns seriously. They immediately moved me into another room, with no action beyond a suite-wide meeting (presumably to establish that this shitty bullying dynamic was really happening). I didn't need to move heaven and earth to get an adult to hear my side. You say you're being bullied, and there is a degree of evidence in your favor? New room assignment tomorrow.
In my opinion, this is not a matter of technology, or even of sexuality, or responsibility. This is a matter of helping your child get out of this shitty social dynamic. There should be zero tolerance of this type of bullying on the part of the school, and frankly considering that it's a boarding school, if there *is* tolerance for it, you should consider a change of schools. Because that is NOT acceptable. It is not OK to tell a child that you just have to expect to be slut shamed at all times by asshole bullies you're forced to live with, AND that you yourself can be penalized for being a victim of bullying.
Talk to the administration about what is actually going on (other kid using your kid's phone to slut-shame and bully her). Demand that they split up the girls and, needless to say, don't penalize your daughter, who was not at fault. If they balk, your kid walks.
posted by Sara C. at 2:48 PM on October 10, 2015 [11 favorites]
I went to boarding school. It was in the pre-smartphone era, but still.
My first semester at boarding school, I was bullied mercilessly by the other girls in my suite (our dorms had suites of three rooms, two girls to a room). A lot of what they did was pretty harmless, especially at first. Stuff that is probably within the realm of messing with someone's phone. I didn't want to tell, because A) nobody likes a tattletale, and B) I had been bullied by jocks at my previous school, and these were smart nerdy good kids like me, which made it hard to frame as bullying.
Then it escalated. One of the girls pissed on my towel. (Yes. Ugh.) My wallet went missing. FINALLY I spoke up to my R.A. about what was going on.
One thing I really didn't expect, because I was used to the shitty teachers at my previous non-residential school who enabled the cycle of bullying, was that the residential staff took my concerns seriously. They immediately moved me into another room, with no action beyond a suite-wide meeting (presumably to establish that this shitty bullying dynamic was really happening). I didn't need to move heaven and earth to get an adult to hear my side. You say you're being bullied, and there is a degree of evidence in your favor? New room assignment tomorrow.
In my opinion, this is not a matter of technology, or even of sexuality, or responsibility. This is a matter of helping your child get out of this shitty social dynamic. There should be zero tolerance of this type of bullying on the part of the school, and frankly considering that it's a boarding school, if there *is* tolerance for it, you should consider a change of schools. Because that is NOT acceptable. It is not OK to tell a child that you just have to expect to be slut shamed at all times by asshole bullies you're forced to live with, AND that you yourself can be penalized for being a victim of bullying.
Talk to the administration about what is actually going on (other kid using your kid's phone to slut-shame and bully her). Demand that they split up the girls and, needless to say, don't penalize your daughter, who was not at fault. If they balk, your kid walks.
posted by Sara C. at 2:48 PM on October 10, 2015 [11 favorites]
The fingerprint unlock on the newer iPhones will not solve the problem of forgetting/divulging a code because it requires a code be set up at the same time and the phone can be unlocked with either one. The code is required for the first unlock after restarting and/or upgrading the iOS.
posted by soelo at 8:08 AM on October 12, 2015
posted by soelo at 8:08 AM on October 12, 2015
Last comment from me. There is also the possibility that she is trying to fit in and 'be cool', and is allowing the other students to take her phone so she can be part of the group. If that's the case, taking the option of texting off the phone for a while might work. She can save face by having her boundaries mandated for her. Although maybe make it short term, so she can still text and 'belong' in the future (once she can balance boundaries and fitting in )
posted by Vaike at 7:40 PM on October 12, 2015
posted by Vaike at 7:40 PM on October 12, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Perhaps it's an issue where she needs to forgo the phone for a bit or have a new roommate. However, it also may not be a safe location for your daughter right now. Maybe she'd really actually like to come home and have your in-person support again. Would you be open to this?
posted by smorgasbord at 4:27 PM on October 9, 2015 [27 favorites]