How to deal with not being my boyfriend's first?
October 9, 2015 3:23 PM Subscribe
My BF [26M] is my first. However, I'm [21F] not his. His first was with a good friend with whom he had a 5 year relationship, and still remains good friends with that ex today. They were both each other's first. Out of all the other ex's my BF's had, he only remains friends with this one. Everywhere I look on the internet or in real life, people say they never forget their first love, that they'll always remain a special part of you. Since I've made this realization, I've felt incredibly low.
It doesn't help that his ex and him have done literally everything together, including going on long trips in Italy (boating on the canal in Venice), Japan, celebrated friends' weddings together, etc. My BF doesn't have many other friends, and he tells me his ex is the only person who truly knows him.
A side note: I've met his ex, and she wasn't the friendliest to me. The day right after she met me, she proceeded to IM my BF saying how "I seemed too shy," etc. But that's another story.
I've been truly upset by all of this. Do you have any advice for me to change my perspective? I've honestly tried to get over it, but it's been almost a year and little has helped.
It doesn't help that his ex and him have done literally everything together, including going on long trips in Italy (boating on the canal in Venice), Japan, celebrated friends' weddings together, etc. My BF doesn't have many other friends, and he tells me his ex is the only person who truly knows him.
A side note: I've met his ex, and she wasn't the friendliest to me. The day right after she met me, she proceeded to IM my BF saying how "I seemed too shy," etc. But that's another story.
I've been truly upset by all of this. Do you have any advice for me to change my perspective? I've honestly tried to get over it, but it's been almost a year and little has helped.
I remember feeling this way when I was about 19. It sucks but there's really no other way of putting it -- as Cool Papa Bell said, you'll get over it. It just takes time. In a few years you will probably actually feel silly that you ever thought this way.
Look at it this way: the older you get, the more people you date, and the less likely it is you will be anyone's "first". And you'll begin to realize that that's ok because people lead complicated internal emotional lives, and while a first anything can be special, the past is rarely as important as the present.
posted by a strong female character at 3:42 PM on October 9, 2015 [20 favorites]
Look at it this way: the older you get, the more people you date, and the less likely it is you will be anyone's "first". And you'll begin to realize that that's ok because people lead complicated internal emotional lives, and while a first anything can be special, the past is rarely as important as the present.
posted by a strong female character at 3:42 PM on October 9, 2015 [20 favorites]
For a data point, I barely remember my first.
When I was in my 30s and divorcing, my then-boyfriend got all romantical on me one day and said, "Wouldn't it have been great if we'd met when we were kids?" And I gave it considerable thought and I'll tell you, man, no. No way would I want to have tried to have a good, serious relationship with someone before I had learned all my lessons (or at least some of them) and learned how to be a good partner. Because some lessons you learn the hard way, no way around it. Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
Bear in mind that she's his EX. There's a reason for that. The reason might even be that she's not very friendly to other people, or to other women. But one way or another, he may have had a lot of experience in the past with her, but he's only 26 and there is a whole lot of time for future experiences, which you could have with him if you want to. Five years of history vs 50 years of future? Which would you rather have?
Have you heard of the sunk cost fallacy? Look it up. It might help you.
posted by janey47 at 3:44 PM on October 9, 2015 [20 favorites]
When I was in my 30s and divorcing, my then-boyfriend got all romantical on me one day and said, "Wouldn't it have been great if we'd met when we were kids?" And I gave it considerable thought and I'll tell you, man, no. No way would I want to have tried to have a good, serious relationship with someone before I had learned all my lessons (or at least some of them) and learned how to be a good partner. Because some lessons you learn the hard way, no way around it. Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
Bear in mind that she's his EX. There's a reason for that. The reason might even be that she's not very friendly to other people, or to other women. But one way or another, he may have had a lot of experience in the past with her, but he's only 26 and there is a whole lot of time for future experiences, which you could have with him if you want to. Five years of history vs 50 years of future? Which would you rather have?
Have you heard of the sunk cost fallacy? Look it up. It might help you.
posted by janey47 at 3:44 PM on October 9, 2015 [20 favorites]
Well, she is being a dick, tbh. So I don't blame you for feeling low. He should probably stand up for you and tell her not to be such a dick.
But yes, eventually this won't matter quite so much, and if you stay together then you'll be his longest relationship, which is another thing.
posted by easter queen at 3:44 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
But yes, eventually this won't matter quite so much, and if you stay together then you'll be his longest relationship, which is another thing.
posted by easter queen at 3:44 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
People "never forget their first love" because it was their first time being in a romantic relationship, not because the first person you date is the most special person you ever date. If the first time you try pizza it's frozen pizza from the grocery store, that will always be a special memory, but it won't prevent you from someday realizing that Chicago deep dish is your fave.
The day right after she met me, she proceeded to IM my BF saying how "I seemed too shy," etc. But that's another story.
Do you know about this because of snooping or because your boyfriend told you about it? Neither one is great.
posted by telegraph at 3:46 PM on October 9, 2015 [48 favorites]
The day right after she met me, she proceeded to IM my BF saying how "I seemed too shy," etc. But that's another story.
Do you know about this because of snooping or because your boyfriend told you about it? Neither one is great.
posted by telegraph at 3:46 PM on October 9, 2015 [48 favorites]
Chicago deep dish though.
OP, you will get a chance to have firsts together, so don't focus on that. Perspective here is key. Think of it this way, they did all those romantic things together and had moments/memories and all and they STILL broke up. That's important. He's with you now and she's probably jealous trying to hold on to as much nostalgia as possible. But that's just it, nostalgia.
People grow and your ex changed. In time you'll learn if this relationship will last or if it will matter to you in the long run. However, I can spare you this lesson and share with you some hard-earned wisdom. Do NOT compare yourself to his ex (or anyone for that matter). Be your best self and that means having confidence and self-esteem. You still have time and will learn in that time, so have fun and enjoy yourself. Petty people will be petty. Advice: Stay classy.
posted by lunastellasol at 3:53 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
OP, you will get a chance to have firsts together, so don't focus on that. Perspective here is key. Think of it this way, they did all those romantic things together and had moments/memories and all and they STILL broke up. That's important. He's with you now and she's probably jealous trying to hold on to as much nostalgia as possible. But that's just it, nostalgia.
People grow and your ex changed. In time you'll learn if this relationship will last or if it will matter to you in the long run. However, I can spare you this lesson and share with you some hard-earned wisdom. Do NOT compare yourself to his ex (or anyone for that matter). Be your best self and that means having confidence and self-esteem. You still have time and will learn in that time, so have fun and enjoy yourself. Petty people will be petty. Advice: Stay classy.
posted by lunastellasol at 3:53 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
You know, when I was five, my parents took me to a zoo outing and that was the day when I first tasted ice cream (for some reason that hadn't happened earlier). It tasted like heaven, and made me an ice cream monster for decades to come. Oh how I remember that day.
Now here's the thing. It was really no good ice cream at all. It was just some stupid old ice cream out of a wrapper at the Hamburg zoo in 1965, and I'm surely not longing to revisit the experience in real life. What I remember is the day and the feeling, but I'm not retro-objectifying that particular brand of ice cream.
Obviously, he will sort of remember how it was to have a first girlfriend. But what does it matter now? As others said, she's his ex. People have exes, like, all the time, it's one of the things that make the fabric of life. It's only important if someone makes it important.
Just try to not do that. What's important for you two is what you have together, now. It's the only thing there is.
posted by Namlit at 4:06 PM on October 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
Now here's the thing. It was really no good ice cream at all. It was just some stupid old ice cream out of a wrapper at the Hamburg zoo in 1965, and I'm surely not longing to revisit the experience in real life. What I remember is the day and the feeling, but I'm not retro-objectifying that particular brand of ice cream.
Obviously, he will sort of remember how it was to have a first girlfriend. But what does it matter now? As others said, she's his ex. People have exes, like, all the time, it's one of the things that make the fabric of life. It's only important if someone makes it important.
Just try to not do that. What's important for you two is what you have together, now. It's the only thing there is.
posted by Namlit at 4:06 PM on October 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
Be realistic about the pros and cons.
Relationships take a lot of learning. You're opening yourself to another person in entirely new and unexpected ways.
I am forever grateful to my college boyfriend, because he was so supportive as I fumbled through this. My first relationship was traumatic and abusive, and learning that it didn't have to be that way was huge. We're still friends, so I know he feels comparable about me.
But now that we've been friends for a decade, we are also able to be honest about all the ridiculous cringe inducing misteps we made. And we've both mentioned that we appreciate the blank slate when we start dating someone new.
He is a better person for having dated her. He's a better boyfriend. He's been disabused of unrealistic ideals, like, say, women don't fart.
That doesn't mean that you *can't* be a great girlfriend. You have less baggage and hang-ups that failed relationships leave us with. You don't worry about him seeing friends because your ex used to go to strip clubs with them. My parents are each others firsts, and they get to operate in this weird magical world without shitty ex-lovers. I had to move out of state for that to happen.
So just try to remember that while losing one experience, you are getting a different but equally precious experience.
posted by politikitty at 4:09 PM on October 9, 2015
Relationships take a lot of learning. You're opening yourself to another person in entirely new and unexpected ways.
I am forever grateful to my college boyfriend, because he was so supportive as I fumbled through this. My first relationship was traumatic and abusive, and learning that it didn't have to be that way was huge. We're still friends, so I know he feels comparable about me.
But now that we've been friends for a decade, we are also able to be honest about all the ridiculous cringe inducing misteps we made. And we've both mentioned that we appreciate the blank slate when we start dating someone new.
He is a better person for having dated her. He's a better boyfriend. He's been disabused of unrealistic ideals, like, say, women don't fart.
That doesn't mean that you *can't* be a great girlfriend. You have less baggage and hang-ups that failed relationships leave us with. You don't worry about him seeing friends because your ex used to go to strip clubs with them. My parents are each others firsts, and they get to operate in this weird magical world without shitty ex-lovers. I had to move out of state for that to happen.
So just try to remember that while losing one experience, you are getting a different but equally precious experience.
posted by politikitty at 4:09 PM on October 9, 2015
in my experience, it is a very good sign indeed if someone is capable of continuing healthy, non-romantic relationships with former romantic partners. It may actually be a red flag if they have cut off all ties with all former exes. You might not end up marrying every person you date. But you might want to stay connected to many of them, and you might want to know if they can handle that kind of thing.
posted by cubby at 4:12 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by cubby at 4:12 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
BTW, OP, that conversation with my then-boyfriend had some funny/weird consequences that are slightly vulgar so I won't post them unless asked. But I still kind of laugh about it.
posted by janey47 at 4:20 PM on October 9, 2015
posted by janey47 at 4:20 PM on October 9, 2015
Best answer: Lots and lots of people would love to forget their first boyfriend/girlfriend. And, those who do have fond memories often have minimized or forgotten the bad times through the miracle of nostalgia. Don't concern yourself with the myth of the super-idealized first love. Very, very few people end up being with their first love forever. There's a reason for that. Your boyfriend and his ex obviously weren't romantically well-suited for one another for the long haul as clearly demonstrated by the fact that they're no longer together. They may be much better off as friends than romantic partners.
For whatever reason, you're finding ways to reinforce a feeling of insecurity in yourself. You're making irrational myths out of things that just don't stand up to scrutiny. Your boyfriend has chosen you over his ex. He wants to be with you, not her. Don't erode a good thing by looking backwards at things that can't be changed at the expense of looking forward into a future that can be everything you want it to be. If we were all washed-up in terms of experiences by the time we were in our early 20's, why would anyone go on with all the decades of life that are left?
There will always be people who idealize the past. There are people that stay mired in nostalgia or obsess over what they could have done differently. They get stuck. They stop being in the present. Their lives become uneventful and sad because they don't look forward. Don't be one of those people. If you're living life well, each year gets better and better. Whenever I hear someone crowing about how their high school years were the best of their lives or that no one will ever be as good as their first boy/girlfriend, I just feel pity for them. It means that they're no longer engaged with life. They're sitting on the sidelines and longing for something that's gone. That's no way to live. Look forward! Enjoy making memories with your boyfriend and find ways to boost your confidence.
posted by quince at 4:21 PM on October 9, 2015 [16 favorites]
For whatever reason, you're finding ways to reinforce a feeling of insecurity in yourself. You're making irrational myths out of things that just don't stand up to scrutiny. Your boyfriend has chosen you over his ex. He wants to be with you, not her. Don't erode a good thing by looking backwards at things that can't be changed at the expense of looking forward into a future that can be everything you want it to be. If we were all washed-up in terms of experiences by the time we were in our early 20's, why would anyone go on with all the decades of life that are left?
There will always be people who idealize the past. There are people that stay mired in nostalgia or obsess over what they could have done differently. They get stuck. They stop being in the present. Their lives become uneventful and sad because they don't look forward. Don't be one of those people. If you're living life well, each year gets better and better. Whenever I hear someone crowing about how their high school years were the best of their lives or that no one will ever be as good as their first boy/girlfriend, I just feel pity for them. It means that they're no longer engaged with life. They're sitting on the sidelines and longing for something that's gone. That's no way to live. Look forward! Enjoy making memories with your boyfriend and find ways to boost your confidence.
posted by quince at 4:21 PM on October 9, 2015 [16 favorites]
Everywhere I look on the internet or in real life, people say they never forget their first love, that they'll always remain a special part of you.
Allow me to provide an entirely different datapoint: meh. I mean, we're Facebook friends, but no, he's nothing special, he's not a part of me. He's actually kind of a shit. I know one person who's been with her first for 18 years, and so he's pretty special to her, but she is literally the only person I know who has any sort of meaningful, non-trauma-related* connection to that person.
There's certainly a very big media narrative about virginity, but the point of it is to control women and police their bodies and bolster their value as a commodity, so if you're having a hard time dealing with this as a young person who is naive about relationships and love still, maybe it would be helpful to go at it from a feminist angle.
*Being sexually traumatized or victimized is not the sort of "never forget" you were probably thinking of, or the one our culture wants to sell you, but I think it would be useful for you to include it in your global perspective on this. That's really all you should care about with regard to your partner's sexual history: if they are dealing with some traumatic experience, be sensitive to that. Otherwise, it is not for you to judge.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:22 PM on October 9, 2015 [13 favorites]
Allow me to provide an entirely different datapoint: meh. I mean, we're Facebook friends, but no, he's nothing special, he's not a part of me. He's actually kind of a shit. I know one person who's been with her first for 18 years, and so he's pretty special to her, but she is literally the only person I know who has any sort of meaningful, non-trauma-related* connection to that person.
There's certainly a very big media narrative about virginity, but the point of it is to control women and police their bodies and bolster their value as a commodity, so if you're having a hard time dealing with this as a young person who is naive about relationships and love still, maybe it would be helpful to go at it from a feminist angle.
*Being sexually traumatized or victimized is not the sort of "never forget" you were probably thinking of, or the one our culture wants to sell you, but I think it would be useful for you to include it in your global perspective on this. That's really all you should care about with regard to your partner's sexual history: if they are dealing with some traumatic experience, be sensitive to that. Otherwise, it is not for you to judge.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:22 PM on October 9, 2015 [13 favorites]
I've found the exact opposite. I'm in my late 20s, and every successive serious relationship has been deeper and more intimate, and my love for them has felt more complex and mature. If you and your boyfriend last, and are together for the next few years, I expect that his emotional memories of her will fade as he develops stronger, newer, and more mature intimacy with you.
And if you break up with him and go on to have serious relationships with others, you will find that your memories of him fade (into distant warm historical affection, hopefully), and your older longer relationships likely end up being deeper and more serious.
posted by amaire at 4:22 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
And if you break up with him and go on to have serious relationships with others, you will find that your memories of him fade (into distant warm historical affection, hopefully), and your older longer relationships likely end up being deeper and more serious.
posted by amaire at 4:22 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Agreed it's a good sign he's friends with his ex as opposed to being like "I never want to talk to her again". They must have broken up for a reason though so you need to trust that he is happy to be with you now and doesn't want to be with her. You will get to travel and go to weddings and have new experiences with him too. Try not to compare yourself to her or your relationship to theirs, keep in mind that it didn't last.
If you've asked him a lot of questions about their relationship or about her, try to stop, it's an endless crazy-making cycle that feeds off of getting more and new information and is never satisfied, it can really sour a new relationship. If he's supplying the information to you because most of his past experiences were with her he needs to tone it down a bit.
He shouldn't be repeating petty things she tells him to you (but he probably doesn't want to be perceived as hiding things from you), and he should gently let her know that he doesn't appreciate those sorts of statements from her. Try to treat her just like you would with any friend of his, and if she's rude to you he should let her know they can't be friends if it continues.
posted by lafemma at 4:33 PM on October 9, 2015
If you've asked him a lot of questions about their relationship or about her, try to stop, it's an endless crazy-making cycle that feeds off of getting more and new information and is never satisfied, it can really sour a new relationship. If he's supplying the information to you because most of his past experiences were with her he needs to tone it down a bit.
He shouldn't be repeating petty things she tells him to you (but he probably doesn't want to be perceived as hiding things from you), and he should gently let her know that he doesn't appreciate those sorts of statements from her. Try to treat her just like you would with any friend of his, and if she's rude to you he should let her know they can't be friends if it continues.
posted by lafemma at 4:33 PM on October 9, 2015
Best answer: For sure, being the "first" to love someone is something that can't be repeated. Your sadness comes from not being your boyfriend's First Love, and that's all right. For every article you read about the sacredness of a First Love, there's a counter article about how much better it is to move on and forward with other Loves. Feel free to feel wistful, but there's so much more than just being a First Love.
What you're seeing when you hear about your boyfriend's, is the accumulation of FIVE YEARS of a relationship. They certainly didn't go boating in Italy, attending friend's weddings, eat sushi in Japan all at once. Those events occurred over time, as they began to trust each other more and deepen their relationship.
Also keep in mind, if it were so good they'd still be together. And they're not. It's cool that they can be friends, although refrain from trying to be besties with the ex-girlfriend. It's not healthy for you, as you're taking her opinion of you seriously. You know whose opinion of you really matters? YOURS. Don't let someone who essentially is a stranger to you make you feel bad. She is the red herring here, so please ignore her and focus on what is the crux of the matter, which is "What are you and your boyfriend doing now to make this a meaningful relationship for you?"
While it's hard to not feel like your relationship with this guy is measuring up regarding shared experiences, here are a few vital words of advice: GIVE IT TIME.
Over time, as you and your boyfriend trust each other more and deepen your relationship, you will have opportunities to talk about and make happen the adventures you want. It doesn't have to be boating in Italy or going to Japan, unless you really want to do those things together and not because you feel the need to emulate the stuff his first relationship. Again, relationships are not copies of the previous one; you learn what you need and want in order to do better the next time.
While I loved my high school boyfriend, I'm happy we didn't end up with each other. I was still growing as a person and wanted to do X, Y, and Z while he wanted to get married immediately after college and have me pop out kids ASAP. I have fond memories of making out in the backseats of our cars, but I have zero interest in reproducing those exact memories with my current boyfriend; these days I'd rather make out in a cool cabin on the shores of Lake Superior. And we've done so much stuff together that I didn't even imagine of doing as a high schooler.
What kinds of adventures do you want to do with your boyfriend? Have you been doing stuff together or have you just been obsessing over all the things he did in his past relationship. Make a list, it can be stuff as simple as "Sharing dessert at a nice restaurant" or big as "Go hiking in the Swiss Alps." See if he can do the same. Then find some time to sit down and talk about how you guys can do these things within the constraints of time, budget, desires. It's been a year since you've been dating, so you should feel free to talk about planning things weeks or months from now.
posted by mlo at 4:36 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
What you're seeing when you hear about your boyfriend's, is the accumulation of FIVE YEARS of a relationship. They certainly didn't go boating in Italy, attending friend's weddings, eat sushi in Japan all at once. Those events occurred over time, as they began to trust each other more and deepen their relationship.
Also keep in mind, if it were so good they'd still be together. And they're not. It's cool that they can be friends, although refrain from trying to be besties with the ex-girlfriend. It's not healthy for you, as you're taking her opinion of you seriously. You know whose opinion of you really matters? YOURS. Don't let someone who essentially is a stranger to you make you feel bad. She is the red herring here, so please ignore her and focus on what is the crux of the matter, which is "What are you and your boyfriend doing now to make this a meaningful relationship for you?"
While it's hard to not feel like your relationship with this guy is measuring up regarding shared experiences, here are a few vital words of advice: GIVE IT TIME.
Over time, as you and your boyfriend trust each other more and deepen your relationship, you will have opportunities to talk about and make happen the adventures you want. It doesn't have to be boating in Italy or going to Japan, unless you really want to do those things together and not because you feel the need to emulate the stuff his first relationship. Again, relationships are not copies of the previous one; you learn what you need and want in order to do better the next time.
While I loved my high school boyfriend, I'm happy we didn't end up with each other. I was still growing as a person and wanted to do X, Y, and Z while he wanted to get married immediately after college and have me pop out kids ASAP. I have fond memories of making out in the backseats of our cars, but I have zero interest in reproducing those exact memories with my current boyfriend; these days I'd rather make out in a cool cabin on the shores of Lake Superior. And we've done so much stuff together that I didn't even imagine of doing as a high schooler.
What kinds of adventures do you want to do with your boyfriend? Have you been doing stuff together or have you just been obsessing over all the things he did in his past relationship. Make a list, it can be stuff as simple as "Sharing dessert at a nice restaurant" or big as "Go hiking in the Swiss Alps." See if he can do the same. Then find some time to sit down and talk about how you guys can do these things within the constraints of time, budget, desires. It's been a year since you've been dating, so you should feel free to talk about planning things weeks or months from now.
posted by mlo at 4:36 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
In dating life, it's really important to see the guys you date and sleep with as experiences that teach you what you're ultimately looking for.
It's difficult when you're with someone is your first; you're getting used to the idea that you're having sex with a guy (something we women all taught since we were young that we should be ashamed of doing unless we're married). So that might be one reason it is so very important to you that this work out and that you feel 100% that he feels the same way about you that you feel about him.
I think it might help for you to really think about and take apart what you hope for this relationship. And to also think about what your worst fears are if he, say, left you and got back together with his ex.
Re your other question: I'm not certain why people say that thing about their first love being so important, but I don't think it's true in the way that you worry it is.
Part of me think it's because it might let them have the distance necessary to have a little power in a withdraw-demand dynamic in a permanent relationship they're involved in. Some people might say it because after a few relationships, people are a lot more realistic about expectations and don't have that crazy passion that makes you just want to melt your soul into someone else's (because that can turn out so unhealthy) and take on the world together and be that elderly couple that dies within a few minutes of each other, holding each others hands.
The meaning of this relationship and what it will mean to you in the future is largely up to you and how you choose to think of it. And that changes with time and experience and getting to know yourself.
Just know that everything is going to be fine, no matter what. I get the sense that you're so worried about how this relationship is going to impact you and your heart and your life if it doesn't end up where you want it to. You don't have to end up that lady who never can love anyone else again and spends the rest of her days pining for her first love, if that's what your fear is. In fact, that rarely happens unless the person is engaged in unhealthy and anxious thinking patterns in the first place.
posted by discopolo at 4:49 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's difficult when you're with someone is your first; you're getting used to the idea that you're having sex with a guy (something we women all taught since we were young that we should be ashamed of doing unless we're married). So that might be one reason it is so very important to you that this work out and that you feel 100% that he feels the same way about you that you feel about him.
I think it might help for you to really think about and take apart what you hope for this relationship. And to also think about what your worst fears are if he, say, left you and got back together with his ex.
Re your other question: I'm not certain why people say that thing about their first love being so important, but I don't think it's true in the way that you worry it is.
Part of me think it's because it might let them have the distance necessary to have a little power in a withdraw-demand dynamic in a permanent relationship they're involved in. Some people might say it because after a few relationships, people are a lot more realistic about expectations and don't have that crazy passion that makes you just want to melt your soul into someone else's (because that can turn out so unhealthy) and take on the world together and be that elderly couple that dies within a few minutes of each other, holding each others hands.
The meaning of this relationship and what it will mean to you in the future is largely up to you and how you choose to think of it. And that changes with time and experience and getting to know yourself.
Just know that everything is going to be fine, no matter what. I get the sense that you're so worried about how this relationship is going to impact you and your heart and your life if it doesn't end up where you want it to. You don't have to end up that lady who never can love anyone else again and spends the rest of her days pining for her first love, if that's what your fear is. In fact, that rarely happens unless the person is engaged in unhealthy and anxious thinking patterns in the first place.
posted by discopolo at 4:49 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I remember feeling the exact same way about the guy I lost my virginity to - he was a few years older and had slept with several people before me. I always felt that what we had wasn't as special, and I became a little obsessed with wanting to find new things and new places so he and I could have our own "firsts." I assumed he always thought about the others and being anywhere they had been together, like the same towns or whatnot, would just dredge up the memories for him.
Now, I'm uhhh fifteen years older, with other lovers in my past after he and I broke up. I had always figured I would constantly think about my first boyfriend, and the first love would be the best, etc etc, cut the deepest, etc. The feelings of falling in love that intensely - I remember that, but I don't dwell on him. If I could talk to my younger self, it would be to say that his first and what they did together doesn't mean I'm not as amazing or special or somehow less interesting.
posted by umwhat at 4:52 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Now, I'm uhhh fifteen years older, with other lovers in my past after he and I broke up. I had always figured I would constantly think about my first boyfriend, and the first love would be the best, etc etc, cut the deepest, etc. The feelings of falling in love that intensely - I remember that, but I don't dwell on him. If I could talk to my younger self, it would be to say that his first and what they did together doesn't mean I'm not as amazing or special or somehow less interesting.
posted by umwhat at 4:52 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
It may not be his first time having sex, but it will be his first time having sex with *you*. Don't let your worry about not stacking up to her or what he had with her stop you from enjoying your experience. He sees something wonderful in you; please let yourself see what he sees. Also, you're 21. From here on out, every new person you meet will have a history of their own. There will be parts of their past they love, and parts they don't. It's what makes each of us special, and teaches us who we want to be.
(My husband remained such good friends with an earlier girlfriend that she was invited to our wedding! Delightful woman, and I'm glad to know her. He said to me early in our relationship that "if [he] wanted to still be in a romantic relationship with her, [he] would." I haven't worried since.)
posted by AliceBlue at 5:09 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
(My husband remained such good friends with an earlier girlfriend that she was invited to our wedding! Delightful woman, and I'm glad to know her. He said to me early in our relationship that "if [he] wanted to still be in a romantic relationship with her, [he] would." I haven't worried since.)
posted by AliceBlue at 5:09 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Oh, yeah, I also seriously don't care about my first boyfriend. At all. If I think about the most meaningful experiences I had with exes, they are mostly not with the first dude.
posted by easter queen at 5:48 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by easter queen at 5:48 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
When I married my husband at age 39, he was hardly my first of anything. Yet, he is the only person with whom I have procreated and with whom I have ever truly wanted to be my family.
My husband was not the first person I married. So as a wiser poster above has said...perspective.
posted by murrey at 6:18 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
My husband was not the first person I married. So as a wiser poster above has said...perspective.
posted by murrey at 6:18 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
Another perspective on perspective: How do you expect your next* BF to deal with the fact that HE is not your first, and that you have/may have 'special' memories of your 'first'? How will YOU deal with your memories of your 'first' when sleeping with your next, or the one after that?
The answer is that for 99% of us, we have learned to deal with it. You will too, mainly by focussing on making special the time you spend with the person you are with at the time.
*I know, jumping ahead here, but the likelihood that you will die having only slept with one person is probably fairly low.
posted by GeeEmm at 7:05 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
The answer is that for 99% of us, we have learned to deal with it. You will too, mainly by focussing on making special the time you spend with the person you are with at the time.
*I know, jumping ahead here, but the likelihood that you will die having only slept with one person is probably fairly low.
posted by GeeEmm at 7:05 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I look back on my first big capital-R Relationship (first love, first broken heart, first... well, everything) very fondly, but oh dear God am I glad all of our college talks about getting married and being together forever didn't come to pass. Now that I'm older and arguably wiser, I can see that he was kind of a jerk back then, and he's kind of a jerk now, and we would have been miserable. And even though I look back on that first relationship fondly, and I'm glad it happened, it doesn't detract from my relationship or my love for my husband.
And FWIW: I am my husband's first relationship, while he is not my first. I asked him for his perspective on this question, and how he dealt with knowing that I'd been in love before I met him, and his response was, basically, "Eh, it doesn't bother me." He knows that I am with him because I love him, and that my past relationships are in the past for a reason. I think maybe your boyfriend could do a better job of reassuring you, and that he needs to stick up for you when his ex nitpicks at you (seriously, shyness is not a character flaw!).
posted by sarcasticah at 8:13 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
And FWIW: I am my husband's first relationship, while he is not my first. I asked him for his perspective on this question, and how he dealt with knowing that I'd been in love before I met him, and his response was, basically, "Eh, it doesn't bother me." He knows that I am with him because I love him, and that my past relationships are in the past for a reason. I think maybe your boyfriend could do a better job of reassuring you, and that he needs to stick up for you when his ex nitpicks at you (seriously, shyness is not a character flaw!).
posted by sarcasticah at 8:13 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ah, first love. I remember mine well. It was an amazing, magical time. I remember the taste of his toothpaste, and the exact quality of the air in fall when we walked through the woods holding hands.
However, that was over twenty years ago. In the meantime, he's turned into a hyper-Christian, doomsday-prepping, bunker-building, Soldier-of-Fortune-reading NRA activist I eventually had to unfriend on Facebook because YIKES. Also? No longer amazingly cute.
It's the experience of first love that's special, not always necessarily the person. Most people remember first love so sharply because it's the first time their hormones ever drew a sparkling, shiny veil across the multitude of another person's flaws.
posted by kythuen at 8:59 PM on October 9, 2015 [12 favorites]
However, that was over twenty years ago. In the meantime, he's turned into a hyper-Christian, doomsday-prepping, bunker-building, Soldier-of-Fortune-reading NRA activist I eventually had to unfriend on Facebook because YIKES. Also? No longer amazingly cute.
It's the experience of first love that's special, not always necessarily the person. Most people remember first love so sharply because it's the first time their hormones ever drew a sparkling, shiny veil across the multitude of another person's flaws.
posted by kythuen at 8:59 PM on October 9, 2015 [12 favorites]
One reason people say "you never forget your first love" in a really general sense is because it's often a super ridiculous memory, full of dumb mistakes and embarrassments and terrible things you did and said that you'd never do with the benefit of time and age and wisdom.
It's only slightly because of the sweet, winsome quality you're attaching to it. And it's logical at your age to be attaching that quality, because you don't have the experiences yet to compare.
posted by padraigin at 9:00 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's only slightly because of the sweet, winsome quality you're attaching to it. And it's logical at your age to be attaching that quality, because you don't have the experiences yet to compare.
posted by padraigin at 9:00 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I hardly ever think of my first love. I'm not even sure who I'd assign that title to. I sometimes reminisce about a few other people along the way, but mostly I'm just really into the people in my life now, in the present.
posted by ead at 9:40 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ead at 9:40 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
It is not about being the first love, but the last.
posted by jadepearl at 9:47 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by jadepearl at 9:47 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
So I've never forgotten my first love, and he does have a special place in my heart. He was a decent guy. We weren't a good match, but he was a decent guy. I do wish him well, wherever he is.
But then again, I feel that way about a lot of people I dated. I think of them fondly, wish them well wherever they are. But I'm also glad that we didn't end up together permanently.
And in the end, all of them fade in comparison to the guy I married. Sure, we've built a lot of our own "first time" memories together, but the core of our relationship - and the quiet joy of it - are the day to day little things. It's not just the fact that we drove across the country together. It's also the fact that he sings stupid little songs to our dog while he's bathing her. The fact that he knows exactly how I like my coffee. The fact that we're still doing new things together, like learning how to patch drywall. Sure, we still do big "new things" together too, but the accumulation of little things is just as, if not more, important.
I'm assuming that you're from a Western culture, probably in the US. (Apologies if I'm wrong). We have this mythology in our culture that somehow, if you manage to be each other's First Everything, that you were meant to be, but if you are not each other's firsts, somehow that diminishes your love. It's not true. There is nothing magical about being The First that somehow makes the relationship more valuable or more shiny than one where each partner has more experience. I've seen marriages between people who were one another's first go for 50 or 60 years ... and I've seen marriages between people who were one another's first implode in less than a year.
What matters is this: he's with you. He's not with her, he's with YOU. They didn't work out for whatever reason. He's chosen to be with you, and not with her. That's really the important thing.
My husband was the 12th? (13th? 15th? something like that) person I dated in any sort of serious way - but he obviously eclipses everyone else because I married him, and we've been together for 20 years. That first guy? I think this is the first time I've thought of him in years, and it's just a sort of echo, a fondness. My husband is woven into my life. There's no comparison.
posted by RogueTech at 1:26 AM on October 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
But then again, I feel that way about a lot of people I dated. I think of them fondly, wish them well wherever they are. But I'm also glad that we didn't end up together permanently.
And in the end, all of them fade in comparison to the guy I married. Sure, we've built a lot of our own "first time" memories together, but the core of our relationship - and the quiet joy of it - are the day to day little things. It's not just the fact that we drove across the country together. It's also the fact that he sings stupid little songs to our dog while he's bathing her. The fact that he knows exactly how I like my coffee. The fact that we're still doing new things together, like learning how to patch drywall. Sure, we still do big "new things" together too, but the accumulation of little things is just as, if not more, important.
I'm assuming that you're from a Western culture, probably in the US. (Apologies if I'm wrong). We have this mythology in our culture that somehow, if you manage to be each other's First Everything, that you were meant to be, but if you are not each other's firsts, somehow that diminishes your love. It's not true. There is nothing magical about being The First that somehow makes the relationship more valuable or more shiny than one where each partner has more experience. I've seen marriages between people who were one another's first go for 50 or 60 years ... and I've seen marriages between people who were one another's first implode in less than a year.
What matters is this: he's with you. He's not with her, he's with YOU. They didn't work out for whatever reason. He's chosen to be with you, and not with her. That's really the important thing.
My husband was the 12th? (13th? 15th? something like that) person I dated in any sort of serious way - but he obviously eclipses everyone else because I married him, and we've been together for 20 years. That first guy? I think this is the first time I've thought of him in years, and it's just a sort of echo, a fondness. My husband is woven into my life. There's no comparison.
posted by RogueTech at 1:26 AM on October 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
Everywhere I look on the internet or in real life, people say they never forget their first love, that they'll always remain a special part of you.
The first part is probably true. If I want to, I can remember what he looked like and what his voice sounded like. But no, he is NOT a special part of me, not by a long shot. Whole years go by without as much as a single thought about him. I don't hate him; I simply don't care.
So please try to put that idea out of your head, since it's very much not universally true. And it's making you unhappy.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:55 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
The first part is probably true. If I want to, I can remember what he looked like and what his voice sounded like. But no, he is NOT a special part of me, not by a long shot. Whole years go by without as much as a single thought about him. I don't hate him; I simply don't care.
So please try to put that idea out of your head, since it's very much not universally true. And it's making you unhappy.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:55 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'll never forget several of the women I loved before the women who is now my wife. I loved them with far more passion than I ever have her. Seriously burning, conquer a nation for them, keep me up at night burning they-are-what-will-make-me-happy love. And thank grodd I don't love my wife that way. It was intoxicating and fun and painful and stressful and relationships with them would never have worked out.
I'm sure there's someone on the planet who had a first love that was healthy and capable of growth into an ongoing and gratifying thing but if they have a support group it meets in a really small place. For the most part first (and other early) love ends because it should. It sounds like your guy had one that was capable of evolving from a non-workable love affair into a pleasant friendship, and great for them. But that doesn't make it something for you to feel bad about. It's done. Healthy love in the present is soooooooooo much better than over and done love. It has enduring affection and shared growth and adds up to more and better than those early flare-ups.
Now, it sounds like your guy is somewhere between obtuse and shitty in how he talks to you about this relationship. You should call bullshit the next time he says something that feeds into your feeling threatened by this. It should be a reasonable and healthy objection, but you're within your rights to say "you know, telling me that a former lover is the only person who gets you, meaning that I don't get you, is kinda lousy and makes me feel bad." If he's pulling some kind of negging BS on you with this then that's crappy of him and you shouldn't be a part of making it happen.
But people have pasts and mostly they're in the past for a good reason. If a partner isn't putting you ahead of memories and fiction then that's an issue, but it's about their actions in the now. It would be an issue - and the same underlying actual problem - if someone was hung up on an ex or crushing on a barely-know-them coworker. People with pasts have cool insights about places to see in Italy, learned how to be better kissers, sat through that lame wedding already and now you don't have to go halfzies on a waffle iron.
Let him show you those vacation finds and then go make some new ones too. So long as you're still making new memories and not just rehashing old ones everything is cool. If he's not living in the present with you then that is a problem and you should deal with it. But you can't and shouldn't live in his past either.
posted by phearlez at 9:15 AM on October 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm sure there's someone on the planet who had a first love that was healthy and capable of growth into an ongoing and gratifying thing but if they have a support group it meets in a really small place. For the most part first (and other early) love ends because it should. It sounds like your guy had one that was capable of evolving from a non-workable love affair into a pleasant friendship, and great for them. But that doesn't make it something for you to feel bad about. It's done. Healthy love in the present is soooooooooo much better than over and done love. It has enduring affection and shared growth and adds up to more and better than those early flare-ups.
Now, it sounds like your guy is somewhere between obtuse and shitty in how he talks to you about this relationship. You should call bullshit the next time he says something that feeds into your feeling threatened by this. It should be a reasonable and healthy objection, but you're within your rights to say "you know, telling me that a former lover is the only person who gets you, meaning that I don't get you, is kinda lousy and makes me feel bad." If he's pulling some kind of negging BS on you with this then that's crappy of him and you shouldn't be a part of making it happen.
But people have pasts and mostly they're in the past for a good reason. If a partner isn't putting you ahead of memories and fiction then that's an issue, but it's about their actions in the now. It would be an issue - and the same underlying actual problem - if someone was hung up on an ex or crushing on a barely-know-them coworker. People with pasts have cool insights about places to see in Italy, learned how to be better kissers, sat through that lame wedding already and now you don't have to go halfzies on a waffle iron.
Let him show you those vacation finds and then go make some new ones too. So long as you're still making new memories and not just rehashing old ones everything is cool. If he's not living in the present with you then that is a problem and you should deal with it. But you can't and shouldn't live in his past either.
posted by phearlez at 9:15 AM on October 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
When I was your age, I used to torture myself with thoughts like, "they went to Italy together" and "I'm not his first love," instead of thinking, "he's with me now, not her." My insecurity and lack of confidence drove away more than one good man.
I advise you to accept him for who he is and to enjoy the present. Trust me, you do not want to look back and remember cringe-inducing behaviors you directed at nice guys.
posted by Soda-Da at 9:28 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I advise you to accept him for who he is and to enjoy the present. Trust me, you do not want to look back and remember cringe-inducing behaviors you directed at nice guys.
posted by Soda-Da at 9:28 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
You simply cant compete with the weight of their past relationship. Its there, its memories, its all part of his life he lived before he met you. Fortunately! You don't have to compete in the slightest. He has chosen you to make new memories with! He has chosen to spend time and energy on you! Yall can build 5 years of cool events and experiences, or 20, or 50.
Try not to be jealous of his past. Its just that, past. If his ex is manipulative or hes too close to her or she's trying to sabotage, thats a separate issue. But their past in no way lesses your present, or the possibilities for the future.
posted by Jacen at 10:49 AM on October 12, 2015
Try not to be jealous of his past. Its just that, past. If his ex is manipulative or hes too close to her or she's trying to sabotage, thats a separate issue. But their past in no way lesses your present, or the possibilities for the future.
posted by Jacen at 10:49 AM on October 12, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
You're so very young. It sounds reductive to say, "you're young, you'll get over it." But you will. So, enjoy yourself right now. If he's being a jerk about this, hurting your feelings or hiding things from you, move on, because he has growing up to do. If you think you can't handle it, for whatever reason, move on, because you have growing up to do.
He may be your first, but he shouldn't be your only.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:36 PM on October 9, 2015 [12 favorites]