My 3.5 yr old is not interested in sleep

October 7, 2015 6:20 PM

A few weeks ago my son who was previously an excellent napper and sleeper decided he is no longer interested in napping or sleeping at night.

To this point he took an afternoon nap between 1-4 then went back to bed around 8pm and slept until 8am. Our schedule now looks like an a 1 hr nap at 2pm and to bed at 8. After our usual bed time routine, he gets up between 4-8 times for various made up reasons (night light is too bright, blankets are messed up etc.) We quietly guide him to bed and after an hr or so of this charade he falls asleep. He then wakes up every few hours during the night. He is usually concerned when we are coming back to see him or when he can wake up and see us again. It seems like this is more of anxiety about sleeping than an the inability to sleep. We also had him checked out by his doc.


We have read and tried most techniques out there with little success. So far we have tried the silent return to bed and that usually whips into a frenzy because we dont say or respond to him. We have tried using a baby gate to keep him in the room - but our spirited fellow ran through the gate. We have also tried waiting with him until he falls asleep, but he wakes up at the slightest noise when you leave. We have even removed mid day naps and adjust the bed time with no change. I have also tried reward charts, various incentives and restrictions with no impact.

Has any one else gone through this? Any other methods I havent tried?

posted by burlsube to Health & Fitness (12 answers total)

That's when my hair left my head. You will not win with book learning. It goes away when you are just about to lose it.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 7:22 PM on October 7, 2015

How long has this been going on -- like three weeks "a few," or like twelve weeks "a few"? And what time does he get up in the morning?
posted by Andrhia at 7:23 PM on October 7, 2015

You have a three year old. Yes, yes you do.

I have no advice but maybe you will get something from this. How My Three Year Olds Sleep Fell Apart
posted by littlewater at 7:34 PM on October 7, 2015

Response by poster: This has been going on for about 4ish weeks. I'm guessing that since nothing has been effective that this will be a stage that disappears as mysteriously as it started. Or at least that is what I am telling myself.
posted by burlsube at 7:38 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Don't reinforce it (for example, sleeping in your bed, food, anything positive). Peacefully, quietly, always, every time put him back to bed, tuck him in. Repeat as necessary for as long as necessary.... If there is no reinforcement to getting up, getting up will stop.
posted by HuronBob at 7:42 PM on October 7, 2015

Well... first off, I advise you not to strangle him. That may be the hardest part.

For the bedtime shenanigans, try making him a "bedtime pass" - he gets one, and only one. He can use it for whatever he needs, but when it's gone it's gone and you will have to return to wordlessly taking him back to bed. (This should be explained to him every evening.)

For the middle of the night shenanigans, maybe try one of those "ok to wake" clocks? If the bunny is sleeping, he should be sleeping too. As soon as the bunny wakes up, he can come and find you. (There are others, this is just an example.)

Other than that.... yeah. Don't strangle him. Good luck with that.
posted by telepanda at 7:58 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

On reread, maybe don't return him to bed wordlessly, just pick a mantra that you repeat quietly in response to everything he says. Something like, "It's time for sleeping. I'll see you in the morning. I love you."
posted by telepanda at 8:29 PM on October 7, 2015 [6 favorites]

The wordless thing would freak me out too, poor little guy. Just act normal. Tell him that you are tired and grumpy and you need him to sleep so that you can sleep. Play sleep sounds or classical music or buy a white noise machine for his room.

It may be time to look at his bed. Is it comfortable? Would you sleep in it? Also look at what he is eating that is new or right before bed. Tummy issues can disrupt sleep and cause anxiety in someone who is too little to understand what is going on.

This is all normal and it will pass. Trying positive things can sometimes make it pass more quickly. Talk to him and find out why he doesn't want to stay in his bed. There may be a real reason. Or, he may just be a regular three year old.
posted by myselfasme at 8:39 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

I found this really cute to read.

I don't have a child, but what seems to work for my nephew (he's 5 now) is a bedtime routine my sister has in place. Eat dinner, wind down, brush teeth, read one or two library books with him in bed. Often times the adult falls asleep by accident, but gets up later. Unless the adult is me, and I'll be knocked out till morning.

Nowadays, I don't think that she always reads to him, but the overall routine is there so he knows what to expect.
posted by watrlily at 8:42 PM on October 7, 2015

Try skipping the nap.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:59 AM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I agree with the last few poster -- depending on how early he's up in the morning, it sounds to me like he probably just doesn't need that much sleep anymore. My kids both gave up napping entirely at three, and didn't need an earlier bedtime or later waking to go with it. At his age he needs 10-12 hours of sleep at night, and there's a lot of individual variation -- it's possible to have a child who only needs nine hours, even at three. Though be on the lookout for irritability and meltdowns, or even general contrariness in an otherwise sweet child; that's your sign the amount of sleep is insufficient.

So to test this... what happens if you don't nap him and let him stay up, mm, half an hour or an hour later than usual? How does he sleep? How does he behave the next day?
posted by Andrhia at 6:14 AM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

I second the OK-to-wake clock. We have this owl. If he (currently 3.5 years old, but we've been using it for months) stays in his room until it turns on, he gets to watch a video in the morning.

Since your guy is getting up so many times, you might want to start with a more attainable goal like rewarding him for going to bed without getting up and then focusing on the middle-of-the night wakeups.

For what it's worth, we never had any success with silent returns.
posted by Xalf at 9:36 AM on October 12, 2015