Should I text the guy to confirm/plan the date?
October 5, 2015 4:44 PM Subscribe
I met this guy online about a week ago. We haven't texted much but he suggested we meet up in person this Tuesday. Two days ago, I texted him asking if he's still on and he said he's looking forward to it. Today is Monday evening and no plan has been made as of now. Should I text him and ask what the plan is or should I wait for him to text me to make plans? Thanks for your input.
Ugh I hate that, and I'm sorry it's happening to you. It should never be this hard. I would move to the next one.
posted by christiehawk at 4:57 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by christiehawk at 4:57 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Nope. I'm not into games, but you are clearly not a priority to him. I'd drop him entirely and if he txted tonight to make plans I'd bow out. This is him on his *best*, pulling-out-all-the-stops, "I wanna impress you" behaviour. Are you impressed that his current enthusiasm is the high-water mark for any future relationship with him?
posted by saucysault at 4:57 PM on October 5, 2015 [18 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 4:57 PM on October 5, 2015 [18 favorites]
If you are still excited about it and you want the date to happen, then sure, go ahead and text him!
At its best reading, this is not very organized or conscientious behavior, so just keep that in mind if he ends up flaking or being a little rude or disorganized.
posted by samthemander at 5:01 PM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
At its best reading, this is not very organized or conscientious behavior, so just keep that in mind if he ends up flaking or being a little rude or disorganized.
posted by samthemander at 5:01 PM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Pass. I'd hate having to work that hard for a date.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:07 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:07 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you still want to do something then I suggest you text him with a suggestion. If you wait for him to say something then I suspect that you will be waiting forever. It's okay for you to move on, if that's what you prefer.
Some guys suck at texting and aren't particularly good at planning things, so don't assume that his silence on this matter means he's not interested. If, OTOH, his inability to plan stuff is going to be a problem for you then, DTMFA GTFO GDSE.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 5:07 PM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Some guys suck at texting and aren't particularly good at planning things, so don't assume that his silence on this matter means he's not interested. If, OTOH, his inability to plan stuff is going to be a problem for you then, DTMFA GTFO GDSE.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 5:07 PM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
You already tried to prompt him to set plans once. I wouldn't try again. You shouldn't have to put more effort into the date he asked you on than he is.
posted by cecic at 5:12 PM on October 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by cecic at 5:12 PM on October 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
"Sup dude, we on for this or what?"
If reply, great.
If no reply, change his name to poophead in your phone and move on with your life.
posted by phunniemee at 5:18 PM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
If reply, great.
If no reply, change his name to poophead in your phone and move on with your life.
posted by phunniemee at 5:18 PM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Of course you should text him to firm up plans/decide what you're actually doing.
Why wouldn't you?
I generally am on the "no games" bandwagon, but IDK, it takes two people to go on a date, and if you want to go on the date, and there are no other red flags that this dude isn't into you or is a lazy scrub or whatever, sure, make a plan and go on the date. Why is it the man's responsibility to do this, anyway? (Really it should be on the asker, or if it was mutual, the ball is in both courts.)
Just about every first date via the internet I have ever been on has been drinks, anyway, so what really needs to be planned? "8pm, The Black Rooster, see you there." Done.
posted by Sara C. at 5:21 PM on October 5, 2015 [32 favorites]
Why wouldn't you?
I generally am on the "no games" bandwagon, but IDK, it takes two people to go on a date, and if you want to go on the date, and there are no other red flags that this dude isn't into you or is a lazy scrub or whatever, sure, make a plan and go on the date. Why is it the man's responsibility to do this, anyway? (Really it should be on the asker, or if it was mutual, the ball is in both courts.)
Just about every first date via the internet I have ever been on has been drinks, anyway, so what really needs to be planned? "8pm, The Black Rooster, see you there." Done.
posted by Sara C. at 5:21 PM on October 5, 2015 [32 favorites]
Set a time at a venue that you enjoy going to by yourself, so if he flakes and doesn't show, you can have a merry old time without his lame self.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 5:24 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 5:24 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Why don't you text him a couple of options of things you could do? "Hey, looking forward to tomorrow!! How about meeting for a drink at The Bar or checking out this gallery opening at 7pm?"
I don't think he's done anything to deserve being written off yet......
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 5:34 PM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't think he's done anything to deserve being written off yet......
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 5:34 PM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Why do you need to wait for him to suggest a plan? Why didn't either one of you make a plan? Face it: neither of you was interested enough to bother even suggesting a specific plan, even though you were both perfectly capable of it. Now, if you insist on never making plans and always having the other person make plans, that's up to you (as bizarre as that is) — but then you have to take the bitter with the sweet: you are then leaving it entirely up to him to plan the specifics. And he hasn't done it, so that settles it — there's no date without a specific plan.
posted by John Cohen at 5:37 PM on October 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 5:37 PM on October 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
I don't agree this is a game. He might just be a last minute planner. If you don't mind being the one to lead the logistics conversation "hey, what time should we meet" (now and in future situations), then go for it. If you want your partner to do that a fair percentage of the time, then sit back and see if he gets around to it.
posted by salvia at 5:41 PM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by salvia at 5:41 PM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
If you decide to text him, be aware that this is how he's going to be for the rest of your relationship whether it's one date or fifty years. If he's excited about seeing you and yet doesn't make a hard & fast plan, he is showing you that he's someone who's not all that great at planning in advance. That's not good or bad, it's just information. If you're okay with being the planner, yay. If not, K.I.M.
I'm the planner in my relationship. I got the news loud & clear from the get-go. It's fine with me about 98 percent of the time and about 2 percent of the time it irritates me and I have to remind myself that he has never in 7+ years planned anything successfully alone. He'll tell you the same, it's not like I'm snarking behind his back.
It can be a co-dependency thing, but it can also be a take-him-as-you-find-him thing. Anyway, it's something you should be aware of.
posted by janey47 at 5:46 PM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm the planner in my relationship. I got the news loud & clear from the get-go. It's fine with me about 98 percent of the time and about 2 percent of the time it irritates me and I have to remind myself that he has never in 7+ years planned anything successfully alone. He'll tell you the same, it's not like I'm snarking behind his back.
It can be a co-dependency thing, but it can also be a take-him-as-you-find-him thing. Anyway, it's something you should be aware of.
posted by janey47 at 5:46 PM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
You are a happy, busy person with a robust life and lots going on - if someone doesn't respect that by "feeling intimidated" by you proactively checking in to manage your schedule because you have things to do otherwise that could easily fill that time then they are not worth it.
By the way, this isn't a dating thing, it's a basic human respect thing. Last minute planner or not, does that mesh well with how you like to go about things?
Just text him, you don't have time for these games that are always disguised as dating.
posted by floweredfish at 6:16 PM on October 5, 2015
By the way, this isn't a dating thing, it's a basic human respect thing. Last minute planner or not, does that mesh well with how you like to go about things?
Just text him, you don't have time for these games that are always disguised as dating.
posted by floweredfish at 6:16 PM on October 5, 2015
I'm a last minute planner, and generally I block off general times and then firm them up the day before. Sure, I know some people don't like that. But that's a personality thing - are you a planner or spontaneous? Yes, if you can't handle that, maybe not a good sign for you and his compatibility.
It's not a sign of me not being excited - I've been super excited by dates that I haven't known what we were going to do. Most of the time, I'm panicking about choosing The Perfect Thing.
Throw him a bone and give him a suggestion. I do agree that a few hours before is my personal throw in the towel, not worth it benchmark.
posted by pando11 at 6:36 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's not a sign of me not being excited - I've been super excited by dates that I haven't known what we were going to do. Most of the time, I'm panicking about choosing The Perfect Thing.
Throw him a bone and give him a suggestion. I do agree that a few hours before is my personal throw in the towel, not worth it benchmark.
posted by pando11 at 6:36 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
pfft, if you're invested enough to bother posting an askme, just send the text already. What's the worst that could happen, he bails? People here are already telling you to bail on him.
posted by lizbunny at 6:41 PM on October 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by lizbunny at 6:41 PM on October 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
Lots of first dates from the internet for me have started off this way, with one or both of us being non committal- honestly, how can you be super "into" someone you have never seen in person? Just text him if you want to meet- he may just be busy and since he hasn't met you yet doesn't have strong feelings either way.
Of course, if after meeting he is sending mixed signals/being flaky, no point in working hard or pushing it. No harm in clarifying a first date though.
posted by bearette at 6:50 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Of course, if after meeting he is sending mixed signals/being flaky, no point in working hard or pushing it. No harm in clarifying a first date though.
posted by bearette at 6:50 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yeesh, text him with a very simple plan. SHALL I MEET YOU AT [REASONABLY PUBLIC PLACE] AT [TIME]? MAYBE GO FOR DRINKS?
Then if he doesn't reply you have your answer.
I mean yes he may not be perfectly optimal iso 9000 date organiser but neither are you, so perhaps you are made for each other?
posted by Sebmojo at 7:16 PM on October 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
Then if he doesn't reply you have your answer.
I mean yes he may not be perfectly optimal iso 9000 date organiser but neither are you, so perhaps you are made for each other?
posted by Sebmojo at 7:16 PM on October 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
if you're invested enough to bother posting an askme, just send the text already. What's the worst that could happen, he bails?
yea this. Just suggest a time and place.
posted by zutalors! at 8:44 PM on October 5, 2015
yea this. Just suggest a time and place.
posted by zutalors! at 8:44 PM on October 5, 2015
I will add though that I don't have a lot of patience for wishy washiness in planning on dates - which you exhibited too with the "still on?" text. If you make a plan why would anyone need to text to see if it's still on? if it's not still on, the person who needs to cancel should reach out.
Recenlty i dated someone who was really reticent about making plans, I think because he was nervous/inexperienced more than not interested, but I was basically like, "meet me at x place at x time" because "have you checked out this wine bar?" got dead end responses. I got sort of tired of it because I like dating situations that make me feel secure and like the other person is eager and confident. That's not how everyone operates and that's fine.
posted by zutalors! at 8:56 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Recenlty i dated someone who was really reticent about making plans, I think because he was nervous/inexperienced more than not interested, but I was basically like, "meet me at x place at x time" because "have you checked out this wine bar?" got dead end responses. I got sort of tired of it because I like dating situations that make me feel secure and like the other person is eager and confident. That's not how everyone operates and that's fine.
posted by zutalors! at 8:56 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
So, he suggested you meet up in person, which means your next message to him should have been "cool, what do you want to do? what about (blank)?" not "why haven't you planned the date details yet, does that mean you're cancelling?" You can't go back in time, but you can still send the message you should have originally sent, it might not be too late. You don't need to wait for him (or ask him) to make the plans, it's not the 50s. You can do it too, or do it together.
posted by randomnity at 9:18 PM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by randomnity at 9:18 PM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Okay, so... this is going to be a rehash of everything I (and virtually everyone else) has said to you over and over and over again when you ask another question about communicating with another human being:
Communicate with them.
Maybe he's an ass, maybe he's forgetful, maybe he lost his phone. If you want an answer there is only one thing you can do, and that is to ask for an answer. If the answer is unimportant to you then don't bother asking.
I want to offer you some advice that I think will help you: every time you think of posting a question to AskMe, ask yourself the following: "Will I resolve this issue by asking someone in person a single question that only they can answer?"
If the answer to that question is yes, then go do that. Every question you have asked has been about how to read someone else's mind, and that is not something that is going to happen. The harsh and nasty truth about meaningful human relationships is that they must be negotiated with open lines of communication with each other, because nobody else in the universe knows what each of you is actually thinking.
And that is hard as hell. I totally and completely understand why you are looking for other people to answer questions that really only one person can answer--it's safe. It really is. When we feel something about someone, to ask them directly risks the answer being no, and we have to hear it. Asking someone else lets us reaffirm what we believe, or easily repudiate what we don't. And what I am saying, from bitter experience, is that asking someone else will never give you an even remotely indication of reality. The only person who can answer questions about how your (potential) partner feels about something is your partner.
Also I want to be clear I'm not expressing annoyance that you keep asking these questions; more that I feel we are not communicating with you effectively, and if the mods are cool with it, maybe a followup from you where you could let us know what approaches resonate best with you?
Because you keep asking the same questions, and we keep giving the same answers, so there's a disconnect somewhere. And I think that's on our end (I mean 'our' as 'like the amorphous and highly heterogenous cluster of people who answer Asks'), and I think there's nothing Ask likes more than hearing someone update with "so I did the Thing, and everything else is better now!" so... can you help us help you here?
You sound like you've got an amazing amount of love to give someone, and none of us really get realistic instruction in what dating is like, so I want to be really clear that I am in no way judging you negatively. Asking questions is good. Maybe it's time to start looking a little deeper at the patterns in your questions and their answers.
There are a million reasons why he may not have answered. Some of those reasons would really suck for you, as someone who likes him. We can't tell you which reason(s) he has chosen.
So yes. Say "So, we doing this tomorrow? Let me know so I can plan my day."
If you haven't heard from him by the morning, fuck it, make some other plans.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:19 PM on October 5, 2015 [34 favorites]
Communicate with them.
Maybe he's an ass, maybe he's forgetful, maybe he lost his phone. If you want an answer there is only one thing you can do, and that is to ask for an answer. If the answer is unimportant to you then don't bother asking.
I want to offer you some advice that I think will help you: every time you think of posting a question to AskMe, ask yourself the following: "Will I resolve this issue by asking someone in person a single question that only they can answer?"
If the answer to that question is yes, then go do that. Every question you have asked has been about how to read someone else's mind, and that is not something that is going to happen. The harsh and nasty truth about meaningful human relationships is that they must be negotiated with open lines of communication with each other, because nobody else in the universe knows what each of you is actually thinking.
And that is hard as hell. I totally and completely understand why you are looking for other people to answer questions that really only one person can answer--it's safe. It really is. When we feel something about someone, to ask them directly risks the answer being no, and we have to hear it. Asking someone else lets us reaffirm what we believe, or easily repudiate what we don't. And what I am saying, from bitter experience, is that asking someone else will never give you an even remotely indication of reality. The only person who can answer questions about how your (potential) partner feels about something is your partner.
Also I want to be clear I'm not expressing annoyance that you keep asking these questions; more that I feel we are not communicating with you effectively, and if the mods are cool with it, maybe a followup from you where you could let us know what approaches resonate best with you?
Because you keep asking the same questions, and we keep giving the same answers, so there's a disconnect somewhere. And I think that's on our end (I mean 'our' as 'like the amorphous and highly heterogenous cluster of people who answer Asks'), and I think there's nothing Ask likes more than hearing someone update with "so I did the Thing, and everything else is better now!" so... can you help us help you here?
You sound like you've got an amazing amount of love to give someone, and none of us really get realistic instruction in what dating is like, so I want to be really clear that I am in no way judging you negatively. Asking questions is good. Maybe it's time to start looking a little deeper at the patterns in your questions and their answers.
There are a million reasons why he may not have answered. Some of those reasons would really suck for you, as someone who likes him. We can't tell you which reason(s) he has chosen.
So yes. Say "So, we doing this tomorrow? Let me know so I can plan my day."
If you haven't heard from him by the morning, fuck it, make some other plans.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:19 PM on October 5, 2015 [34 favorites]
My current gentleman friend is a day-before planner, and it doesn't at all mean he isn't interested. Just that if I want to plan the specifics farther in advance then I need to do it. I don't mind, so NBD. Just suggest something-- no need to wait for him.
posted by frumiousb at 2:52 AM on October 6, 2015
posted by frumiousb at 2:52 AM on October 6, 2015
I always err on giving people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he has family issues. Maybe he's in charge of a massive project at work with an upcoming deadline. Who knows. Sometimes when you have so much stuff going on you reach a point of decision fatigue. Could be that.
Go ahead and text him.
posted by Ostara at 7:14 AM on October 6, 2015
Go ahead and text him.
posted by Ostara at 7:14 AM on October 6, 2015
My boyfriend is like this. If this guy is anything similar he'll text you at 4pm tomorrow suggesting drinks at 7:30pm. UGH IT DROVE ME CRAZY for the first 6 months. I thought it was so rude. Still kind of do.
But it honestly is just how he is with all his dates and friends. My guy didn't even realize that other men/people plan dates much earlier and more communicatively. *eye roll*
It's definitely information about his personality. If you are a planner and want a partner who is, too, this guy prob isn't a fit. But it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to see you.
FWIW two years in, my guy has become more of a planner by spending time around me. He thought it was ridiculous when I first started sending him calendar requests for our dates but now he expects them and sends them, too. :)
posted by amaire at 11:40 AM on October 6, 2015
But it honestly is just how he is with all his dates and friends. My guy didn't even realize that other men/people plan dates much earlier and more communicatively. *eye roll*
It's definitely information about his personality. If you are a planner and want a partner who is, too, this guy prob isn't a fit. But it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to see you.
FWIW two years in, my guy has become more of a planner by spending time around me. He thought it was ridiculous when I first started sending him calendar requests for our dates but now he expects them and sends them, too. :)
posted by amaire at 11:40 AM on October 6, 2015
Okay, so... this is going to be a rehash of everything I (and virtually everyone else) has said to you over and over and over again when you ask another question about communicating with another human being:
Seconding this. Look at your list of AskMe's with a stranger's eyes. You need to talk to people.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:10 PM on October 6, 2015
Seconding this. Look at your list of AskMe's with a stranger's eyes. You need to talk to people.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:10 PM on October 6, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by lunastellasol at 4:50 PM on October 5, 2015 [9 favorites]