How do I let on that I'm in an open relationship?
October 2, 2015 2:06 PM Subscribe
I'm a late 20s woman. My primary relationship is with a late 20s man. We've got an open relationship, which is lovely. But up till now, I've only ever hooked up with people I met in explicitly dating contexts where it's easy to explain my situation (like OK cupid). Now, I'm back in school, and I look like any other monogamous person to my classmates. How can I discreetly let potential hookups know that despite having a boyfriend, I'm not off limits?
My classmates are roughly my age. It's the kind of program where the single students are often hooking up with one another. It's a big school; there are plenty of fish in this sea. But it's not so big that I feel comfortable being super public about being nonmonogamous. I'd rather let someone know if it seems there's mutual attraction. But how do I do that? Just saying "By the way, I'm in an open relationship," offhand during one-on-one conversation feels like it could blow up in my face.
My classmates are roughly my age. It's the kind of program where the single students are often hooking up with one another. It's a big school; there are plenty of fish in this sea. But it's not so big that I feel comfortable being super public about being nonmonogamous. I'd rather let someone know if it seems there's mutual attraction. But how do I do that? Just saying "By the way, I'm in an open relationship," offhand during one-on-one conversation feels like it could blow up in my face.
Just saying "By the way, I'm in an open relationship," offhand during one-on-one conversation feels like it could blow up in my face.
I'm not sure how you perceive that it would blow up in your face. I agree it's slightly more personal than favorite movies or a preference for dogs or cats, but given that it's a big part of your life and required information for a potential partner, I don't see any other way of doing it.
The problem here is that you presume that the information differential only serves to hurt you, because you're missing out on potential hook ups who assume you're taken. In fact, the differential hurts potential partners as well, because a lot of people will not want to hook up with you if you are in an open relationship, but you're proposing not to provide that information until you're sure they're into you. Therefore, comporting yourself as 'available, but...' during a flirtation is behavior that I would categorize as misleading.
posted by telegraph at 2:57 PM on October 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm not sure how you perceive that it would blow up in your face. I agree it's slightly more personal than favorite movies or a preference for dogs or cats, but given that it's a big part of your life and required information for a potential partner, I don't see any other way of doing it.
The problem here is that you presume that the information differential only serves to hurt you, because you're missing out on potential hook ups who assume you're taken. In fact, the differential hurts potential partners as well, because a lot of people will not want to hook up with you if you are in an open relationship, but you're proposing not to provide that information until you're sure they're into you. Therefore, comporting yourself as 'available, but...' during a flirtation is behavior that I would categorize as misleading.
posted by telegraph at 2:57 PM on October 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
Refer to him as one of your boyfriends, or one of your dates, or one of the people you see or sleep with or whatever.
posted by entropone at 3:17 PM on October 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by entropone at 3:17 PM on October 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is one of the things that the phrase 'my primary partner' was made for.
And I guess this is where I come out to metafilter as non-monogamous. I have (some number) secondary partner(s) while I look for a primary partner. I put this information into as many non-professional conversations as I can. Mostly because I'm sort of community sourcing my partner search. But also because I think talking about this sort of stuff is really important, even if I wasn't looking for a primary partner. I keep it out of my professional conversations because as a woman nothing good has ever come of discussions involving any aspect of my sex life/preferences at school or work.
One of my ground rules for relationships is that anyone I go on a date with needs to know what I'm doing before we agree to go to coffee or whatever. And I require the same of my partners. Because informed consent is important.
Feel free to me mail me if you have questions about how these conversations go (the short answer is 'all kinds of ways').
posted by bilabial at 4:29 PM on October 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
And I guess this is where I come out to metafilter as non-monogamous. I have (some number) secondary partner(s) while I look for a primary partner. I put this information into as many non-professional conversations as I can. Mostly because I'm sort of community sourcing my partner search. But also because I think talking about this sort of stuff is really important, even if I wasn't looking for a primary partner. I keep it out of my professional conversations because as a woman nothing good has ever come of discussions involving any aspect of my sex life/preferences at school or work.
One of my ground rules for relationships is that anyone I go on a date with needs to know what I'm doing before we agree to go to coffee or whatever. And I require the same of my partners. Because informed consent is important.
Feel free to me mail me if you have questions about how these conversations go (the short answer is 'all kinds of ways').
posted by bilabial at 4:29 PM on October 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
If your grad program is at all like mine, be aware that telling one person is pretty much like telling everyone. People hang out together a lot and they like to gossip. I didn't see anyone have a negative consequence (and as far as I could tell that kind of gossip stayed totally within the student community, rather than going to the professors), but by the end of the first semester I knew a lot of details about a lot of people's relationship quirks.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:38 PM on October 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Dip Flash at 5:38 PM on October 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:13 PM on October 2, 2015 [8 favorites]