Pregnant finally, but full of shame, guilt, and anxiety
September 28, 2015 12:59 AM Subscribe
My husband and I finally conceived after months and months of trying, but I made a ton of mistakes before I knew and I am completely beating myself up.
I am 13 weeks along, but did not know until the end of week 5.
July was a bad month for me, specifically with drinking alcohol. I normally don't drink too much, but there were a lot of parties and I engaged in binge drinking three times, once in week three and twice near the end of week 4. I took a test the morning of the last time I drank, and it was negative, but I guess I just wasn't far enough along to come up positive. When I found out I was pregnant, I obviously have not drank a drop since and won't until way after I give birth. Honestly I don't even miss it. I miss deli meat more. I also dyed my hair before I knew.
The baby is OK so far. Heartbeat is fine and he or she is measuring exactly on schedule. However, I know that fetal alcohol syndrome may be possible and we may not even know until the child reaches school age.
I am devastated and ashamed at my behavior. We had come up negative for so long I didn't even consider that this could be the month it actually happens. I am absolutely sick. I have been unable to feel much excitement about this because of the guilt. It's also not helping that I have a brother in law who announced to my whole family that I was drunk when I was pregnant.
I talked to my doctor a bit about it. I go to one of these practices where there are 5 doctors and they probably see 100+ patients a day. They sort of shrugged it off and told me not to worry about it. I tried to bring it up more but I get so embarrassed.
My last appointment wasn't great. They are concerned about my BMI (33), my bicouruate uterus, and I also have a mild UTI. They were also unable to do a successful nuchal screening because of the baby's position.
I'm just having really bad anxiety about the whole situation. Should I talk to a counselor of some sort? Should I find a smaller OB practice where i don't feel so shuffled around? Are there any books anyone can recommend? I know my high state of anxiety is not good for me or the baby. Any advice is sincerely appreciated.
I am 13 weeks along, but did not know until the end of week 5.
July was a bad month for me, specifically with drinking alcohol. I normally don't drink too much, but there were a lot of parties and I engaged in binge drinking three times, once in week three and twice near the end of week 4. I took a test the morning of the last time I drank, and it was negative, but I guess I just wasn't far enough along to come up positive. When I found out I was pregnant, I obviously have not drank a drop since and won't until way after I give birth. Honestly I don't even miss it. I miss deli meat more. I also dyed my hair before I knew.
The baby is OK so far. Heartbeat is fine and he or she is measuring exactly on schedule. However, I know that fetal alcohol syndrome may be possible and we may not even know until the child reaches school age.
I am devastated and ashamed at my behavior. We had come up negative for so long I didn't even consider that this could be the month it actually happens. I am absolutely sick. I have been unable to feel much excitement about this because of the guilt. It's also not helping that I have a brother in law who announced to my whole family that I was drunk when I was pregnant.
I talked to my doctor a bit about it. I go to one of these practices where there are 5 doctors and they probably see 100+ patients a day. They sort of shrugged it off and told me not to worry about it. I tried to bring it up more but I get so embarrassed.
My last appointment wasn't great. They are concerned about my BMI (33), my bicouruate uterus, and I also have a mild UTI. They were also unable to do a successful nuchal screening because of the baby's position.
I'm just having really bad anxiety about the whole situation. Should I talk to a counselor of some sort? Should I find a smaller OB practice where i don't feel so shuffled around? Are there any books anyone can recommend? I know my high state of anxiety is not good for me or the baby. Any advice is sincerely appreciated.
No worries at all. The baby lives off the egg sack for the first few weeks till the placenta is formed..... Not drinking is ideal but there are a million other things that are "ideal" and you can't do them all. Just take a deep breath, be thrilled about this new little person that you are making and do the best that you can from here on out. He or she will be fine. And, yes, your brother in law is an asshole. When he grows a uterus and can make a person, he earns the right to make a comment. Not before. Good luck, relax and enjoy!! Baby time is fun!!
posted by pearlybob at 1:34 AM on September 28, 2015 [39 favorites]
posted by pearlybob at 1:34 AM on September 28, 2015 [39 favorites]
Don't worry and go to a time of love and peace. Stress is no good for your baby either. Surround yourself with people that love and nurture you. Chances are your baby is just perfectly fine. Read Ina May Gaskin, find a doula and/or a hapto therapist, read Aletha Solter. Be good and have fun!
posted by hz37 at 1:48 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by hz37 at 1:48 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Fetal alcohol system is associated with alcoholism or heavy drinking throughout pregnancy, not drinking in the early weeks before you knew. If being drunk around the time of conception was genuinely dangerous, every accidental baby in this world would have FAS. They don't. You'll be fine.
I also got my hair dyed in the first trimester. My daughter is an awesome little person who's hitting her milestones early or on time. Hair dye is one of those "we can't be sure it's not a problem so don't do it" things, not a "it will definitely poison your baby" thing.
I also painted my nails, had an occasional drink, ate a medium rare steak, and ate two subway sandwiches with deli meat when I was so nauseated I couldn't manage any other food literally for weeks and only Subway sounded palatable for some reason. It's all about risk management and evaluating the chances you're willing to take and trading off risks and benefits. Everyone "screws up" and most also make educated decisions to do something, at some point, that is technically not "allowed" (or recommended). Don't worry too terribly, do a bit of Internet research about the studies behind some of the rules and what the actual issues are (many things are riskier in certain trimesters than others), and don't overthink it. The stress will probably do your baby more harm than a couple accidental margaritas.
Congratulations on the pregnancy! If the doctors aren't worried, you're probably just fine. Keep on doing what you're doing and your little one will be great, I'm sure!
posted by olinerd at 1:50 AM on September 28, 2015 [65 favorites]
I also got my hair dyed in the first trimester. My daughter is an awesome little person who's hitting her milestones early or on time. Hair dye is one of those "we can't be sure it's not a problem so don't do it" things, not a "it will definitely poison your baby" thing.
I also painted my nails, had an occasional drink, ate a medium rare steak, and ate two subway sandwiches with deli meat when I was so nauseated I couldn't manage any other food literally for weeks and only Subway sounded palatable for some reason. It's all about risk management and evaluating the chances you're willing to take and trading off risks and benefits. Everyone "screws up" and most also make educated decisions to do something, at some point, that is technically not "allowed" (or recommended). Don't worry too terribly, do a bit of Internet research about the studies behind some of the rules and what the actual issues are (many things are riskier in certain trimesters than others), and don't overthink it. The stress will probably do your baby more harm than a couple accidental margaritas.
Congratulations on the pregnancy! If the doctors aren't worried, you're probably just fine. Keep on doing what you're doing and your little one will be great, I'm sure!
posted by olinerd at 1:50 AM on September 28, 2015 [65 favorites]
You may also want to check out Emily Oster's book, Expecting Better, about risks/pregnancy. As was said above, there are things that are clearly bad, and things that have risks associated.
posted by papergirl at 2:10 AM on September 28, 2015 [18 favorites]
posted by papergirl at 2:10 AM on September 28, 2015 [18 favorites]
I was tanked a few times during the two week wait. As others have said, the embryo may not have even implanted yet, let alone have a placenta and be using your blood supply, so that early the risks are quite minimal.
(The drunken two week wait baby is now six, has impeccable intonation and accent in the second language she learns, is reading ahead of most kids in her class, is beautifully empathic, and while she is a total klutz I'm reasonably sure that's genetic not teratogenic).
posted by geek anachronism at 2:19 AM on September 28, 2015 [15 favorites]
(The drunken two week wait baby is now six, has impeccable intonation and accent in the second language she learns, is reading ahead of most kids in her class, is beautifully empathic, and while she is a total klutz I'm reasonably sure that's genetic not teratogenic).
posted by geek anachronism at 2:19 AM on September 28, 2015 [15 favorites]
First, echoing the whole mother of my child got drunk before she knew she was pregnant and damnit them kids be smart as shit.
You're on the right path with new ob practice, but I'd head straight for a good midwife. Ask around, see if there's a good one in your area and schedule an appointment to see if you click. You're making a new family and you need to advocate for that family, including yourself. Make sure you are talking to your partner about the anxiety and schedule in some time for activities that you enjoy and that are relaxing (and let the partner help, he could probably do with some relaxing himself) In the meantime, read some Ina May Gaskin and get ready. You have a wild ride ahead of you. Good luck.
P.s. If my brother said something like this about my partner, I would talk to him immediately. F the b-i-l.
posted by history is a weapon at 2:29 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
You're on the right path with new ob practice, but I'd head straight for a good midwife. Ask around, see if there's a good one in your area and schedule an appointment to see if you click. You're making a new family and you need to advocate for that family, including yourself. Make sure you are talking to your partner about the anxiety and schedule in some time for activities that you enjoy and that are relaxing (and let the partner help, he could probably do with some relaxing himself) In the meantime, read some Ina May Gaskin and get ready. You have a wild ride ahead of you. Good luck.
P.s. If my brother said something like this about my partner, I would talk to him immediately. F the b-i-l.
posted by history is a weapon at 2:29 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Previous comments have nailed it. Anecdata: I drank coffee and red wine, ate deli meat and frozen yogurt, flew overseas, was in a minor car accident, etc Baby just turned one - walked at 10 mo, is clever, curious, happy, securely attached, and wearing 18-24mo clothes.
The best advice really is to not worry and use common sense. I relied on *one* pregnancy book and an OB I trusted. No stacks of books, no google, etc. (oh, we did have a doula! She was awesome. I highly recommend it)
(Congratulations!)
posted by jrobin276 at 2:33 AM on September 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
The best advice really is to not worry and use common sense. I relied on *one* pregnancy book and an OB I trusted. No stacks of books, no google, etc. (oh, we did have a doula! She was awesome. I highly recommend it)
(Congratulations!)
posted by jrobin276 at 2:33 AM on September 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
If it makes you feel better - 20-30% of women in the US drink at some point during their pregnancy. FAS affects < 1% of live births.
posted by missmagenta at 2:34 AM on September 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by missmagenta at 2:34 AM on September 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
I think the no drinking at all thing is exaggerated to get more people to comply, people who might otherwise drink heavily the whole pregnancy. There are so many healthy babies born to mothers who drank before they knew, like, i would think it was more common than not. As an anecdote, a lady at my gym found out she was pregnant a few weeks after massive partying including taking recreational drugs and she was older (mid 40s) and her baby was fine and no one was all that worried about what she'd done. She quit once she knew.
Counselling sounds good, always helpful to talk through worries and your BIL is a jerk. Be kind to yourself.
posted by kitten magic at 2:36 AM on September 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Counselling sounds good, always helpful to talk through worries and your BIL is a jerk. Be kind to yourself.
posted by kitten magic at 2:36 AM on September 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also is there any way you can change doctors? I feel like you'd do better if they had time to talk through your concerns. Best thing i ever did for my health was to find a GP who can spend proper time listening to me. But I know that's not easy to find.
posted by kitten magic at 2:43 AM on September 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by kitten magic at 2:43 AM on September 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
As a data point: my mother not only smoked and drank before she realised she was pregnant with me, she was on an experimental drug treatment so likely to cause birth defects that everyone and their grandmother warned her that it might be safer to abort.
I'm perfectly fine- no FAS, no birth defects, hell, I blew through most developmental milestones way ahead of my peers, and generally grew up into a healthy, well-adjusted adult.
Your BIL is an asshole. Ignore him.
Also, mazel tov!
posted by Tamanna at 2:44 AM on September 28, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'm perfectly fine- no FAS, no birth defects, hell, I blew through most developmental milestones way ahead of my peers, and generally grew up into a healthy, well-adjusted adult.
Your BIL is an asshole. Ignore him.
Also, mazel tov!
posted by Tamanna at 2:44 AM on September 28, 2015 [8 favorites]
Definitely, if you don't feel listened-to at your current practice, you certainly should feel ok to find a different practice! I switched at 20 weeks from my ordinary big-practice obstetrician to a certified nurse-midwife, and was super-happy about it. (FWIW, I was annoyed that the obstetrician made a comment that probably I'd need to have a C-section, of course, since I was small; I went on to have two successful vaginal pregnancies. So.)
posted by leahwrenn at 2:50 AM on September 28, 2015
posted by leahwrenn at 2:50 AM on September 28, 2015
Harvard: Study: no connection between drinking alcohol early in pregnancy and birth problems
Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists: "for most women, drinking in the first two weeks of pregnancy has a very small risk. It’s the consensus that if you have been drinking heavily, or taking anything that could potentially harm the baby in the first two weeks of conception before you even miss your period, it tends to have an all or nothing effect. It either trends to cause a miscarriage then and there. Or, if it doesn’t, there tends not to be any harmful effect with an ongoing pregnancy."
Irish Centre for Fetal and Neonatal Translational Research: Drinking alcohol during and even beyond the first trimester of pregnancy doesn't seem to raise the risk of premature delivery, low birth weight or size, or high blood pressure complications for the mother.
You're good, homie, for real. Best of luck and congratulations.
posted by smoke at 3:08 AM on September 28, 2015 [51 favorites]
Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists: "for most women, drinking in the first two weeks of pregnancy has a very small risk. It’s the consensus that if you have been drinking heavily, or taking anything that could potentially harm the baby in the first two weeks of conception before you even miss your period, it tends to have an all or nothing effect. It either trends to cause a miscarriage then and there. Or, if it doesn’t, there tends not to be any harmful effect with an ongoing pregnancy."
Irish Centre for Fetal and Neonatal Translational Research: Drinking alcohol during and even beyond the first trimester of pregnancy doesn't seem to raise the risk of premature delivery, low birth weight or size, or high blood pressure complications for the mother.
You're good, homie, for real. Best of luck and congratulations.
posted by smoke at 3:08 AM on September 28, 2015 [51 favorites]
I can share some anecdata. I got pregnant unplanned at age 43, and did not find out I was pregnant until week 18. The pregnancy was a major surprise, totally unplanned but a very happy surprise. BUT I also knew just how much I had drunk, smoked etc during the 18 weeks until I found out. I am ashamed to say that I actually smoked more during that time because I felt so sick all the time and food was a turn off, and was so afraid that I had cancer of the bowel (I could feel the growth and thoguth it was a cancer, stupid me).
My BMI was/is also above 30, and in week 30 or so I developed gestational diabetes. Add the age factor to the that and you get the picture of the less than perfect mother to be. Pregnancy as the source of all symptoms never occured to me so I did just about everything a 43 year old pregnant person would be told to avoid, including lifting heavy stuff etc. and drinking regularly.
So I had major, major fears all the time from the moment I found out. And such hard feelings for myself, I was wrecked emotionally because I thought how I had poisoned my child. For so many years I believed I was unable to conceive and now this...
This is one thing I wish I had gotten a better handle on before the child was born, because once he was born I was so paranoid over every little thing becuase I keep looking for some sign I had poisoned him.
My boy will be 7 years soon and there is absolutley nothing wrong with him at all! I am not saying to anyone: go ahead and drink (and smoke) - but what I am saying to the OP is - please do not beat your self up. The chances are your child will be fine. I stopped the moment I knew. And so did you.
The person who comforted me best during this time was my midwife. I guess in the US the system is different, but here where I live you can hire a midwife and see her every week, and even call her whenever you need to talk inbetween, which is what I did and it was worth the money to keep me sane, as all the doctors were relentless in their negativity about my age, BMI, etc. After every doctors appointment I was in tears.
Change doctors if you can (I did several times but I was lucky I could afford private care) and if you can, find a good mid wife.
posted by 15L06 at 3:09 AM on September 28, 2015 [8 favorites]
My BMI was/is also above 30, and in week 30 or so I developed gestational diabetes. Add the age factor to the that and you get the picture of the less than perfect mother to be. Pregnancy as the source of all symptoms never occured to me so I did just about everything a 43 year old pregnant person would be told to avoid, including lifting heavy stuff etc. and drinking regularly.
So I had major, major fears all the time from the moment I found out. And such hard feelings for myself, I was wrecked emotionally because I thought how I had poisoned my child. For so many years I believed I was unable to conceive and now this...
This is one thing I wish I had gotten a better handle on before the child was born, because once he was born I was so paranoid over every little thing becuase I keep looking for some sign I had poisoned him.
My boy will be 7 years soon and there is absolutley nothing wrong with him at all! I am not saying to anyone: go ahead and drink (and smoke) - but what I am saying to the OP is - please do not beat your self up. The chances are your child will be fine. I stopped the moment I knew. And so did you.
The person who comforted me best during this time was my midwife. I guess in the US the system is different, but here where I live you can hire a midwife and see her every week, and even call her whenever you need to talk inbetween, which is what I did and it was worth the money to keep me sane, as all the doctors were relentless in their negativity about my age, BMI, etc. After every doctors appointment I was in tears.
Change doctors if you can (I did several times but I was lucky I could afford private care) and if you can, find a good mid wife.
posted by 15L06 at 3:09 AM on September 28, 2015 [8 favorites]
Congratulations! Welcome to a mother’s place being in the wrong...
Yes, it’s not great that you drank heavily in the early weeks of pregnancy. But current medical evidence suggests that the likely effects of the drinking you describe will be minimal at worst, and will probably make no measurable difference. See, for example: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22413723 which suggests that according to current evidence the worst time for binge drinking is the 11-16 week period, well outside the times you describe.
Even in the worst case (which is very, very unlikely according to the summary paper I linked to) the evidence is that a stable & nurturing home life make a huge difference in helping someone with FAS develop into someone who can go on to have a happy & fulfilling life. It’s not an automatic life sentence.
As a parent you will make mistakes: we all do. It’s unavoidable & I could give you a list of the things I wish we had done differently with our children. Learning from them & moving forward is the best that any of us can do; indeed it’s all that anyone can reasonably expect. You’re going to have enough to worry about with stuff that happens in the future without obsessing over things that you can’t change in the past! (If I obsessed over the possible bad outcomes of every mistake I’ve made I’d never get out of bed...) If you are really struggling to move on, then do see a counsellor of some sort - I bet it would be really helpful.
posted by pharm at 3:33 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yes, it’s not great that you drank heavily in the early weeks of pregnancy. But current medical evidence suggests that the likely effects of the drinking you describe will be minimal at worst, and will probably make no measurable difference. See, for example: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22413723 which suggests that according to current evidence the worst time for binge drinking is the 11-16 week period, well outside the times you describe.
Even in the worst case (which is very, very unlikely according to the summary paper I linked to) the evidence is that a stable & nurturing home life make a huge difference in helping someone with FAS develop into someone who can go on to have a happy & fulfilling life. It’s not an automatic life sentence.
As a parent you will make mistakes: we all do. It’s unavoidable & I could give you a list of the things I wish we had done differently with our children. Learning from them & moving forward is the best that any of us can do; indeed it’s all that anyone can reasonably expect. You’re going to have enough to worry about with stuff that happens in the future without obsessing over things that you can’t change in the past! (If I obsessed over the possible bad outcomes of every mistake I’ve made I’d never get out of bed...) If you are really struggling to move on, then do see a counsellor of some sort - I bet it would be really helpful.
posted by pharm at 3:33 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wish I remember the source of this quote, because it sounds awfully folk-sciencey without attribution, but I recall reading that the first few weeks of pregnancy are basically designed to withstand the mother's not knowing yet.
Your brother in law behaved worse than you did. Whoever's closer to him should tell him to jump into the nearest body of saltwater.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:41 AM on September 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Your brother in law behaved worse than you did. Whoever's closer to him should tell him to jump into the nearest body of saltwater.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:41 AM on September 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
I was three weeks pregnant when I went to Fiji, and I just about lived on Fiji Bitter (beer) for that week because I had no appetite. Seriously, I was drinking from breakfast onwards every day. I ignored the fact that I may have been pregnant for another month or two, because... well, daddyo is a loser and I didn't want to face the fact that I'd be having another baby with him. When I faced the fact that I was pregnant, I quit smoking both legal and illegal substances and drinking alcohol. I ate well and tried to do the best I could.
The product of that pregnancy is now a 14 year old happy healthy overachiever, who makes films for fun, studies maths textbooks for his own pleasure, and uses words like exacerbate and unilaterally in general conversation. He is a smart nerdy funny kid who is immensely popular at school, and a genuine pleasure to be around.
IANYD or any doctor at all, but I work in the field of child protection and the vast majority of our kids who have FAS can thank their mothers for binge-drinking ALL THROUGH their pregnancy. A few big nights early on does not guarantee FAS.
If you're not happy with your OB practice, yeah, find another one. Have a chat to a counsellor if you need to get it off your chest.
But above all, do not beat yourself up. You did not know you were pregnant. The chances of that tiny clump of cells being damaged are so small, you don't need to stress about it.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 3:52 AM on September 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
The product of that pregnancy is now a 14 year old happy healthy overachiever, who makes films for fun, studies maths textbooks for his own pleasure, and uses words like exacerbate and unilaterally in general conversation. He is a smart nerdy funny kid who is immensely popular at school, and a genuine pleasure to be around.
IANYD or any doctor at all, but I work in the field of child protection and the vast majority of our kids who have FAS can thank their mothers for binge-drinking ALL THROUGH their pregnancy. A few big nights early on does not guarantee FAS.
If you're not happy with your OB practice, yeah, find another one. Have a chat to a counsellor if you need to get it off your chest.
But above all, do not beat yourself up. You did not know you were pregnant. The chances of that tiny clump of cells being damaged are so small, you don't need to stress about it.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 3:52 AM on September 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
My last appointment wasn't great. They are concerned about my BMI (33), my bicouruate uterus, and I also have a mild UTI. They were also unable to do a successful nuchal screening because of the baby's position.
None of these things are your fault. None of them are things you did maliciously to hurt your baby. Reading your question, it seems like you are taking on so much stress and shame over everything that you are extending it even to the baby's position, something you have zero control over and which doesn't even indicate a problem. Please do see a counselor. Please take care of YOU during this difficult time, as well as your baby. And please do read Expecting Better--I wish it would be issued to every single person who is TTC or pregnant because it allays a lot of really common pregnancy fears.
Ugh I just want to hug you and spit in your BIL's drinks for all time. Be well.
posted by chaiminda at 3:59 AM on September 28, 2015 [22 favorites]
None of these things are your fault. None of them are things you did maliciously to hurt your baby. Reading your question, it seems like you are taking on so much stress and shame over everything that you are extending it even to the baby's position, something you have zero control over and which doesn't even indicate a problem. Please do see a counselor. Please take care of YOU during this difficult time, as well as your baby. And please do read Expecting Better--I wish it would be issued to every single person who is TTC or pregnant because it allays a lot of really common pregnancy fears.
Ugh I just want to hug you and spit in your BIL's drinks for all time. Be well.
posted by chaiminda at 3:59 AM on September 28, 2015 [22 favorites]
If you normally don't drink too much and are otherwise not planning to do it any more, there should not be too much to worry at this stage. But if this really occupies your mind so much, and if the "don't worry" chorus doesn't help, yes, you could consider counselling.
Talk to your husband instead, and reinforce your mutual ties; you'll both need these for raising a child.
Try to avoid listening to noise and malicious people. When people have kids, there's always both of that in addition to all the good and supportive folks. So just don't go near your brother in law at this point. More in general, teach yourself to ignore toss-away remarks from the cheap ranks, strengthen your own ideas of what's right and what's wrong.
Listen to what's going on inside you (or rather, speaking, as a dude, make both of you listen to it and learn about it).
posted by Namlit at 4:15 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Talk to your husband instead, and reinforce your mutual ties; you'll both need these for raising a child.
Try to avoid listening to noise and malicious people. When people have kids, there's always both of that in addition to all the good and supportive folks. So just don't go near your brother in law at this point. More in general, teach yourself to ignore toss-away remarks from the cheap ranks, strengthen your own ideas of what's right and what's wrong.
Listen to what's going on inside you (or rather, speaking, as a dude, make both of you listen to it and learn about it).
posted by Namlit at 4:15 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
FAS is foetal alcohol syndrome, not zygotic alcohol syndrome or embryonic alcohol syndrome.
Being a parent comes with a million worries, and the world is full of people eager to tell you every single way you're doing it wrong. If you start learning now to make a deliberate practice of deflecting all that shit and just doing your best with what you have from where you are right now, you'll avoid a hell of a lot of unnecessary misery.
posted by flabdablet at 4:29 AM on September 28, 2015 [15 favorites]
Being a parent comes with a million worries, and the world is full of people eager to tell you every single way you're doing it wrong. If you start learning now to make a deliberate practice of deflecting all that shit and just doing your best with what you have from where you are right now, you'll avoid a hell of a lot of unnecessary misery.
posted by flabdablet at 4:29 AM on September 28, 2015 [15 favorites]
2 of my aunts and 1 uncle were alcoholics. It was a long time ago before the possible effects on the foetus were known. They drank and smoked non -stop through a total of 13 pregnancies between the aunts and the 1 uncle and his wife. All their children were born healthy-every one of them and stayed healthy and are still going strong. They are also high achieving and successful despite some having dealt with addiction problems of their own. I know one of the aunts was miserable during some of her pregnancies and in addition to drinking and smoking a lot every single day during all of them, ate very very little during one of her pregnancies (she told me).That particular babe weighed nearly 6 pounds and is now a 6 foot retired architect, himself a father of 4 healthy children. There was a lot of addiction on that side - must be a genetic quirk-their national background has a very high rate of alcoholism although the family had left their ancestral country 2 generations before. Whichever gene it was missed me and our side (although I was exposed to a lot of addictive misbehavior growing up-not your question though).
And this from flabdablet,
'Being a parent comes with a million worries, and the world is full of people eager to tell you every single way you're doing it wrong. If you start learning now to make a deliberate practice of deflecting all that shit and just doing your best with what you have from where you are right now, you'll avoid a hell of a lot of unnecessary misery.'
I wish I had absorbed this wisdom from flabdablet starting with child number one. I could have saved us both a lot of suffering. And one more thing. As it is a lot of mostly satisfying and important work raising a child (don't let others tell you that you should be doing this or that, earning and working outside the home for example if you don't want to-raising a child is the most important job you will ever do bar none-smile and ignore them) please keep the joy that a child brings as the number one focus of your attention. Not the worry, nor the work. Joy changes your bio-chemistry in a good way. Worry does not.
Personally, I would not see a counselor. The last thing I would do is to give the worries and guilt more fuel by talking about them and focussing on them with someone who is getting paid to listen to this. Let them go (the worries caused by your actions or the tests or whatever causes the anxiety)-they are over and done with. Let the worries lie quietly at the bottom of your consciousness. When worries appear in your mind, acknowledge them, let them go and move on. You have a new life on its way. Forgive yourself and move on.
Please don't worry. I think medical practice in some first world places that run on money-making tests and fear has overreacted to every possible danger. We cannot know, nor need we know every possible danger. UTI is NBD. Nuchal tests are also NBD -unless you have had genetic counseling and are at high risk. Try to eat healthily esp if you are overweight but also BMI is usually NBD. I know many obese women who had healthy babies-my step-daughter was always obese from childhood as was her mother plus step-d was an elderly primagavida and doc insisted she have an elective C-section because of her weight. All did and are doing well- this was years ago-baby and mother were perfectly fine and happy. Doctors have limited knowledge -why change unless they are medically incompetent? They are not gods, think of them as technicians esp if you are having a C-section-you just need a good technician. You might be lucky if you find one you click with but not totally essential really. All you need is for them to do their job properly. (I went on a search like this with child number 1-waste of time and energy).You are likely IMO to do more harm worrying than you did with the drinking.
posted by claptrap at 5:09 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
And this from flabdablet,
'Being a parent comes with a million worries, and the world is full of people eager to tell you every single way you're doing it wrong. If you start learning now to make a deliberate practice of deflecting all that shit and just doing your best with what you have from where you are right now, you'll avoid a hell of a lot of unnecessary misery.'
I wish I had absorbed this wisdom from flabdablet starting with child number one. I could have saved us both a lot of suffering. And one more thing. As it is a lot of mostly satisfying and important work raising a child (don't let others tell you that you should be doing this or that, earning and working outside the home for example if you don't want to-raising a child is the most important job you will ever do bar none-smile and ignore them) please keep the joy that a child brings as the number one focus of your attention. Not the worry, nor the work. Joy changes your bio-chemistry in a good way. Worry does not.
Personally, I would not see a counselor. The last thing I would do is to give the worries and guilt more fuel by talking about them and focussing on them with someone who is getting paid to listen to this. Let them go (the worries caused by your actions or the tests or whatever causes the anxiety)-they are over and done with. Let the worries lie quietly at the bottom of your consciousness. When worries appear in your mind, acknowledge them, let them go and move on. You have a new life on its way. Forgive yourself and move on.
Please don't worry. I think medical practice in some first world places that run on money-making tests and fear has overreacted to every possible danger. We cannot know, nor need we know every possible danger. UTI is NBD. Nuchal tests are also NBD -unless you have had genetic counseling and are at high risk. Try to eat healthily esp if you are overweight but also BMI is usually NBD. I know many obese women who had healthy babies-my step-daughter was always obese from childhood as was her mother plus step-d was an elderly primagavida and doc insisted she have an elective C-section because of her weight. All did and are doing well- this was years ago-baby and mother were perfectly fine and happy. Doctors have limited knowledge -why change unless they are medically incompetent? They are not gods, think of them as technicians esp if you are having a C-section-you just need a good technician. You might be lucky if you find one you click with but not totally essential really. All you need is for them to do their job properly. (I went on a search like this with child number 1-waste of time and energy).You are likely IMO to do more harm worrying than you did with the drinking.
posted by claptrap at 5:09 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Everybody above me is right, and I also wanted to add that given the relative novelty of alcohol restrictions during pregnancy, it's likely that your brother-in-law's mother was drunk while she was pregnant with him. I'd bring that up the next time I saw him, but then I'm also pretty malicious.
posted by lollymccatburglar at 5:10 AM on September 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by lollymccatburglar at 5:10 AM on September 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
I go to one of these practices where there are 5 doctors and they probably see 100+ patients a day. ... Should I find a smaller OB practice where i don't feel so shuffled around?
This is a patient-management strategy for some OB-GYN practices, so that you don't imprint too strongly on any one doctor and freak out if they're not available. We used this version for our first pregnancy and see-the-same-doctor-every-time version for the second pregnancy and much preferred the latter.
Best of luck to you! I hope you see from the links above that you didn't harm your baby and have nothing to feel guilty about.
posted by gerryblog at 5:20 AM on September 28, 2015
This is a patient-management strategy for some OB-GYN practices, so that you don't imprint too strongly on any one doctor and freak out if they're not available. We used this version for our first pregnancy and see-the-same-doctor-every-time version for the second pregnancy and much preferred the latter.
Best of luck to you! I hope you see from the links above that you didn't harm your baby and have nothing to feel guilty about.
posted by gerryblog at 5:20 AM on September 28, 2015
And for the future, you are going to make a ton of parenting mistakes. I think I used to have a list somewhere of all the things I swore I'd never do as a parent. They're all checked off. It's OK. If we beat ourselves up over every mistake we made, we'd spend the rest of our lives covered in bruises.
When your child is between 2 and 4, s/he will say some of the most amazing shit. Write it down because you'll still be addled from sleep deprivation and won't remember it otherwise.
For example:
posted by plinth at 5:21 AM on September 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
When your child is between 2 and 4, s/he will say some of the most amazing shit. Write it down because you'll still be addled from sleep deprivation and won't remember it otherwise.
For example:
- "Dinosaur clouds are made of water and teeth. If you press on the tail, water shoots out."
- "Dada, Jedis are strong. They're superheroes. They can save babies. (Pause) Jedis can."
- "that car has fire on it, but it's dead fire. That's what it's called."
- "When I was a little honey bee, I make honey in a honey home and all my bee friends come to visit and they eat chocolate and peanut butter and we have a picnic in my honey home and that's the end of my story."
posted by plinth at 5:21 AM on September 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm just agreeing with the above posters, but I feel like you might need a big wave of agreement.
Remember that a lot of these restrictions are cultural. I'm in the USA, but I'm not from here, and my best friend (still in my country of birth) and I were pregnant at the same time, 8 years ago.
She told me how her OB-GYN and midwife had both told her that it would probably be a good idea to cut down to one glass of wine per day, "but don't get too stressed about it".
Consider also that it's a common enough suggestion (by healthcare providers) to couples having difficulty conceiving, to go away for a weekend, relax, have some wine, unwind etc. and see if the lack of stress helps things along.
And anecdotally? I felt like I was a typical pregnant woman among my friends. That involved coffee daily, 2-3 glasses of wine or beer a week, and some probably dodgy cheese here and there. All was fine.
Edge case: I had a friend who went to Burning Man and indulged... a lot. Found out later that she was 6 weeks pregnant at the time. Kid is brilliant, like, college classes in middle school brilliant.
posted by gaspode at 5:28 AM on September 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Remember that a lot of these restrictions are cultural. I'm in the USA, but I'm not from here, and my best friend (still in my country of birth) and I were pregnant at the same time, 8 years ago.
She told me how her OB-GYN and midwife had both told her that it would probably be a good idea to cut down to one glass of wine per day, "but don't get too stressed about it".
Consider also that it's a common enough suggestion (by healthcare providers) to couples having difficulty conceiving, to go away for a weekend, relax, have some wine, unwind etc. and see if the lack of stress helps things along.
And anecdotally? I felt like I was a typical pregnant woman among my friends. That involved coffee daily, 2-3 glasses of wine or beer a week, and some probably dodgy cheese here and there. All was fine.
Edge case: I had a friend who went to Burning Man and indulged... a lot. Found out later that she was 6 weeks pregnant at the time. Kid is brilliant, like, college classes in middle school brilliant.
posted by gaspode at 5:28 AM on September 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Please find an OB practice who fits your needs! Your doctors should be able to explain that heavy, continuous maternal drinking throughout pregnancy is only one rather small risk factor for FAS - the others being poverty, lack of sufficient nutrients, lack of medical care during pregnancy, etc etc.
Pregnancy complications are largely out of your control. Humans hate being out of control, so we focus on the 1% of the 1% that we may be able to affect. Find an OB practice that you trust, and let them do their job.
If you are having obsessive or intrusive thoughts about how you may have harmed your baby, even if that worry happens to be warranted (which it is not in this case), please do consider a counselor who has knowledge of pre- an post- partum anxiety/depression. You deserve a happy and safe 9 months just as much as your baby does.
posted by muddgirl at 5:30 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Pregnancy complications are largely out of your control. Humans hate being out of control, so we focus on the 1% of the 1% that we may be able to affect. Find an OB practice that you trust, and let them do their job.
If you are having obsessive or intrusive thoughts about how you may have harmed your baby, even if that worry happens to be warranted (which it is not in this case), please do consider a counselor who has knowledge of pre- an post- partum anxiety/depression. You deserve a happy and safe 9 months just as much as your baby does.
posted by muddgirl at 5:30 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
You are likely IMO to do more harm worrying than you did with the drinking.
Worrying is just a thing and is no more likely to harm the baby than drinking in early pregnancy (which, yes, many of us did, including me - trying to conceive is stressful, yo). If your worry levels are impacting your life, you might want to look into talking to someone about it in an attempt to reduce anxiety - but for your own benefit. The baby will benefit as a knock-on effect, as you'll have more resources to weather the inevitable stresses that babies bring.
They bring lots of good things too, which is the part I was completely unable to visualise when I was pregnant, but now my child is 2 we're experiencing in spades. YMMV.
posted by altolinguistic at 5:40 AM on September 28, 2015 [8 favorites]
Worrying is just a thing and is no more likely to harm the baby than drinking in early pregnancy (which, yes, many of us did, including me - trying to conceive is stressful, yo). If your worry levels are impacting your life, you might want to look into talking to someone about it in an attempt to reduce anxiety - but for your own benefit. The baby will benefit as a knock-on effect, as you'll have more resources to weather the inevitable stresses that babies bring.
They bring lots of good things too, which is the part I was completely unable to visualise when I was pregnant, but now my child is 2 we're experiencing in spades. YMMV.
posted by altolinguistic at 5:40 AM on September 28, 2015 [8 favorites]
Seconding chaiminda. Very gently, you are reacting to this welcome--but also momentous and stressful--news with a lot, a lot, a LOT of anxiety. I am completely sympathetic, having been just as anxious when I was TTC, pregnant, and living with young young babies. It's a reflection of just how much you want to do the very best for your baby, which is beautiful and brilliant and loving and human... however, as a human being, you simply will not be able to do everything perfectly, with perfect foreknowledge, all the time, or really ever. It's one of the first and most humbling lessons of parenthood. Being able to ramp that anxiety down and treat yourself with kindness, as you do the best you can with what you have, will benefit you and your entire family in the long run.
Please do find a counselor, not because there is anything wrong with you, but as a way to get some support to learn some anxiety-reduction skills. Please do remember that humankind has managed to survive and reproduce despite far, far, FAR worse circumstances than yours.
Congratulations on your wonderful news. Welcome to the big adventure!
posted by Sublimity at 5:46 AM on September 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
Please do find a counselor, not because there is anything wrong with you, but as a way to get some support to learn some anxiety-reduction skills. Please do remember that humankind has managed to survive and reproduce despite far, far, FAR worse circumstances than yours.
Congratulations on your wonderful news. Welcome to the big adventure!
posted by Sublimity at 5:46 AM on September 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
Wow, your brother in law sounds like a total prick. Get him out of your life as quick as possible.
Beating yourself up over some imagined problem is not helping you. Let it go.
Cross that bridge when you get to it - if you get it. Chances are, you will never have to cross it at all.
For now, focus on today.
posted by Flood at 5:49 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Beating yourself up over some imagined problem is not helping you. Let it go.
Cross that bridge when you get to it - if you get it. Chances are, you will never have to cross it at all.
For now, focus on today.
posted by Flood at 5:49 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
As mentioned numerous times above - you're doing fine. The embryo is not yet sharing your bloodstream. Many people with higher BMIs, myself included, have easy healthy pregnancies with no complications. Be kind to yourself. First trimester hormones are rough and can ramp up anxiety. Please talk to someone who can help you with this - if not your current OB, then perhaps someone new. Some hospitals & OB practices have midwife care available - perhaps this might be a better option for you?
posted by judith at 6:05 AM on September 28, 2015
posted by judith at 6:05 AM on September 28, 2015
It is incredibly common for people to get drunk and do other non-recommended things before they realise they are pregnant. Think of all the women who get pregnant by accident and don't realise until they are a couple of months gone. Fetal alcohol syndrome is caused by heavy, alcoholic-type drinking throughout the pregnancy, not a couple of booze ups. Very few women do everything perfectly throughout the pregnancy, and most babies are fine. It's natural to worry but your behaviour has been totally normal and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
posted by intensitymultiply at 6:22 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by intensitymultiply at 6:22 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Can't comment on the other stuff, except to say, as a fellow pregnant lady who did not realize she was pregnant until well in:
1. FUCK YOUR BROTHER IN LAW. FUCK HIM. HE IS A DICKHEAD, AND FUCK HIM.
2. Don't freak out about the hair dye. My ob/gyn distributed materials saying that dying your hair, either by home kit or in a salon, was fine. Presumably, you didn't, like, sit there huffing hair dye chemicals for half an hour.
3. Fuck the whole idea that as pregnant women, our #1 priorities in life are supposed to automatically convert to worrying about the baby. Fuck the idea that we are all supposed to refocus our lives on doing 'what is best for the baby'. Fuck the idea that I should feel ashamed about my body now that I'm pregnant -- fuck society and it's bullshit ideas about BMI to begin with, and fuck how I'm supposed to feel overwhelmingly bad about it because I'm pregnant now and ~ oh the health of my baby!
Fuck how society tries to shame pregnant women for every fucking little thing. And most particularly.
4. FUCK
YOUR
BROTHER
IN
LAW
posted by joyceanmachine at 6:23 AM on September 28, 2015 [59 favorites]
1. FUCK YOUR BROTHER IN LAW. FUCK HIM. HE IS A DICKHEAD, AND FUCK HIM.
2. Don't freak out about the hair dye. My ob/gyn distributed materials saying that dying your hair, either by home kit or in a salon, was fine. Presumably, you didn't, like, sit there huffing hair dye chemicals for half an hour.
3. Fuck the whole idea that as pregnant women, our #1 priorities in life are supposed to automatically convert to worrying about the baby. Fuck the idea that we are all supposed to refocus our lives on doing 'what is best for the baby'. Fuck the idea that I should feel ashamed about my body now that I'm pregnant -- fuck society and it's bullshit ideas about BMI to begin with, and fuck how I'm supposed to feel overwhelmingly bad about it because I'm pregnant now and ~ oh the health of my baby!
Fuck how society tries to shame pregnant women for every fucking little thing. And most particularly.
4. FUCK
YOUR
BROTHER
IN
LAW
posted by joyceanmachine at 6:23 AM on September 28, 2015 [59 favorites]
We covered FAS in my (undergrad) embryology class and the thinking I remember is that because they don't know exactly how much alcohol is safe, they want people not to drink at all just to be overly safe. Your baby is going to be just fine. Your BIL is a giant ass.
posted by winna at 6:32 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by winna at 6:32 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Women used to drink, smoke, and take pills during pregnancy and still managed to have babies. You are fine! Worrying so much causes more harm than drinking. I had a midwife tell me that a half a glass of wine wasn't going to hurt anything, and this was in my second trimester. Your brother in law is a huge ass. Your husband should totally beat him up. You are fine. You are a person, not an incubator. The baby will grow as it is meant to grow. There is very little you can do to affect the outcome. Also, at the beginning of pregnancy, when the baby is barely a whisper of a thought, it is protected by a lot of you. Not much can reach it. If you were binge drinking near the end of pregnancy, it could possibly affect the baby, but not as much as you may think. Your brother in law being an ass and upsetting you causes way more harm to a healthy pregnancy than anything you have consumed. Someone needs to tell him that causing stress to a woman during her most vulnerable time is just plain evil.
posted by myselfasme at 6:43 AM on September 28, 2015
posted by myselfasme at 6:43 AM on September 28, 2015
I think that maybe the drinking thing is incidental and that you're freaking out because you wanted a baby for so long and OMG what if it all goes wrong now?!
Because that's how I felt. I wanted one for so long and when I got pregnant I turned into a mess. You can read about my flailing here:
That thread has some very good advice, particularly that you can see this as practice, because anxiety about all the ways you can't keep your baby safe is something that will accompany you theoughout motherhood! So try and relax. You can't control everything. It willbe okay.
Also, with my second pregnancy I ate sushi, drank wine and had deli meats. Kid 2 is, if possible, even cleverer than Kid 1. i understand that you want to be careful, buta lot of advice for pregnant ladies are conflicting bunk.
You'll be fine. I am so, so, so happy for you, and soon, you will be happy, too. Trust that.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:44 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Because that's how I felt. I wanted one for so long and when I got pregnant I turned into a mess. You can read about my flailing here:
That thread has some very good advice, particularly that you can see this as practice, because anxiety about all the ways you can't keep your baby safe is something that will accompany you theoughout motherhood! So try and relax. You can't control everything. It willbe okay.
Also, with my second pregnancy I ate sushi, drank wine and had deli meats. Kid 2 is, if possible, even cleverer than Kid 1. i understand that you want to be careful, buta lot of advice for pregnant ladies are conflicting bunk.
You'll be fine. I am so, so, so happy for you, and soon, you will be happy, too. Trust that.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:44 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh, sweetie. Please try not to worry and beat yourself up. This is AMAZINGLY common - half of all pregnancies are unplanned, for F's sake! - and honestly, it's harder to harm a fetus (via normal behavior, e.g. drinking, bad food) than you'd imagine (and in the first few weeks, if you do anything THAT bad, it usually results in a miscarriage). Americans' paranoid, obsessive outlook about women's pregnancy behavior is bad for moms-to-be everywhere. Women have been having babies under all sorts of insane circumstances for thousands of years. I cannot tell you 100% that your baby will be fine, but you are NOT a monster, you should NOT be ashamed, and we all have your back. You're normal, you're human, and we support you.
posted by julthumbscrew at 6:48 AM on September 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by julthumbscrew at 6:48 AM on September 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
I wrote up a response to a similar question that you might find helpful. Here's the important part:
"...science can't identify the threshold at which alcohol becomes a problem for the developing fetus, and this drives the public health messaging to be very conservative. Some drinking is probably ok, but scientists can't say how much, and it most likely varies from woman to woman and baby to baby, so the message that is easiest to give and easiest to follow is 'don't drink while pregnant.' "
This doesn't mean people should disregard the public health message and drink up, but it does mean that these kinds of slips -- drinking when you didn't know you were pregnant -- are likely not a big deal.
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:53 AM on September 28, 2015
"...science can't identify the threshold at which alcohol becomes a problem for the developing fetus, and this drives the public health messaging to be very conservative. Some drinking is probably ok, but scientists can't say how much, and it most likely varies from woman to woman and baby to baby, so the message that is easiest to give and easiest to follow is 'don't drink while pregnant.' "
This doesn't mean people should disregard the public health message and drink up, but it does mean that these kinds of slips -- drinking when you didn't know you were pregnant -- are likely not a big deal.
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:53 AM on September 28, 2015
Find a doctor or midwife who cares. Smaller practice can definitely mean more time to chat. I specifically changed from my long-time OBGYN to a home birth midwife because the OBGYN was cold and only gave me 15 minutes of her time, whereas the midwife gave me 30 - 60 minutes of her time and always started and ended the sessions asking me how I was doing and if I had any questions. YOU DESERVE CARE. Find a care provider who fits with you. Make this pregnancy the best pregnancy you can have by having professionals who care about you and who you can trust.
posted by jillithd at 7:06 AM on September 28, 2015
posted by jillithd at 7:06 AM on September 28, 2015
Do find some supportive medical professionals to work with you and help you manage your anxiety. "Devastated and ashamed" is a disproportionate response to a minor deviation from best practices, and for one thing you deserve not to feel this way, and for another if you're functioning at this level of anxiety now you need to have your team lined up and ready for an increased risk of serious postpartum anxiety later.
You are not required to feel terrible as penance. This level of stress is not good for you and is going to make your pregnancy harder than it needs to be.
A serious chunk of us who are over 40 had mothers who drank and smoked (at least secondhand) all through their pregnancies and ate all kinds of verboten foods and breathed leaded gasoline and smog and cleaned house with alarming chemicals, and a bunch of us were born via some now highly-discredited obstetrical practices, and while it might be tempting to look at the state of the world and say "well, that's hardly comforting" keep in mind it's pretty much us who's responsible for the extraordinary medical and computer science advances of the last 20-40 years, so we seem to have done okay.
And your brother in law can go fuck himself. Permission granted to never speak to him again, if you wish.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:27 AM on September 28, 2015
You are not required to feel terrible as penance. This level of stress is not good for you and is going to make your pregnancy harder than it needs to be.
A serious chunk of us who are over 40 had mothers who drank and smoked (at least secondhand) all through their pregnancies and ate all kinds of verboten foods and breathed leaded gasoline and smog and cleaned house with alarming chemicals, and a bunch of us were born via some now highly-discredited obstetrical practices, and while it might be tempting to look at the state of the world and say "well, that's hardly comforting" keep in mind it's pretty much us who's responsible for the extraordinary medical and computer science advances of the last 20-40 years, so we seem to have done okay.
And your brother in law can go fuck himself. Permission granted to never speak to him again, if you wish.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:27 AM on September 28, 2015
Watch the first season of Mad Men and see all the stuff people used to do while pregnant, and then, like others have said here, be good to yourself. Congratulations!
posted by 4ster at 7:43 AM on September 28, 2015
posted by 4ster at 7:43 AM on September 28, 2015
Hi anonymous, first of all congratulations for your pregnancy, it's a weird sort of adventure being in "trying to conceive" mode and then turning that into "i'm finally pregnant" mode. You have to be aware that there is a lot of emotional baggage to that, and a lot of stress. I've seen that sometimes people who have a harder and longer time to conceive are later more aware of everything surrounding their pregnancy, and try to be in control a lot more that people who just conceive easily.
I would like you to be aware of the fact that some of your worries are yes, in your mind, but a lot more of the anxiety is probably just hormones playing with your emotions. Sort of like how mentally ill people have a weird brain chemistry and can get anxiety, paranoia and intrusive thoughts, a lot of pregnant women have a weird combination of hormones all over, that can also cause a lot of stress to the mind and body. For example, when my first baby was born, I had terrible intrusive thoughts of him having terrible accidents, or of me "throwing him out the window" (that's a common one) when he cried. Of course once my body settled down post-pregnancy, I no longer had the daily roller coaster of emotions.
About the drinking...please just stop worrying about it. It's not like you can do anything about it now, and it's not like you can just start again with a new pregancy. Most "moms who care" are ok doing just that, caring about their babies and trying to do their best. Also, most pregancies are not planned and so women are still drinking up until their positive pregnancy test. You can google (you probably already have) and can see that there are hundreds of forum posts everywhere asking the same question "did I harm my baby when I drank before I knew". The answer is, probably not.
You have to FORGIVE YOURSELF for having those drinks, and then move on. The constant stress you are giving yourself every day is probably worse for your pregnancy than the few drinks you had before you knew you were pregnant.
If you see a therapist, and I advice you to, they probably also won't know the definitive answer to "did I harm my baby", but they can help you stop torturing yourself with this anxiety. Try it out of you can, you'll probably see that getting a lot of worries of your chest and out in the open is going to help you feel so much better. (I've been in therapy for over a year and gosh, what I difference it makes.)
I'm right now also riding the fertility-pregnancy-anxiety roller coaster, Memail me if you want to chat
posted by CrazyLemonade at 7:55 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would like you to be aware of the fact that some of your worries are yes, in your mind, but a lot more of the anxiety is probably just hormones playing with your emotions. Sort of like how mentally ill people have a weird brain chemistry and can get anxiety, paranoia and intrusive thoughts, a lot of pregnant women have a weird combination of hormones all over, that can also cause a lot of stress to the mind and body. For example, when my first baby was born, I had terrible intrusive thoughts of him having terrible accidents, or of me "throwing him out the window" (that's a common one) when he cried. Of course once my body settled down post-pregnancy, I no longer had the daily roller coaster of emotions.
About the drinking...please just stop worrying about it. It's not like you can do anything about it now, and it's not like you can just start again with a new pregancy. Most "moms who care" are ok doing just that, caring about their babies and trying to do their best. Also, most pregancies are not planned and so women are still drinking up until their positive pregnancy test. You can google (you probably already have) and can see that there are hundreds of forum posts everywhere asking the same question "did I harm my baby when I drank before I knew". The answer is, probably not.
You have to FORGIVE YOURSELF for having those drinks, and then move on. The constant stress you are giving yourself every day is probably worse for your pregnancy than the few drinks you had before you knew you were pregnant.
If you see a therapist, and I advice you to, they probably also won't know the definitive answer to "did I harm my baby", but they can help you stop torturing yourself with this anxiety. Try it out of you can, you'll probably see that getting a lot of worries of your chest and out in the open is going to help you feel so much better. (I've been in therapy for over a year and gosh, what I difference it makes.)
I'm right now also riding the fertility-pregnancy-anxiety roller coaster, Memail me if you want to chat
posted by CrazyLemonade at 7:55 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I just want to second (third? fourth?) the point about pregnancy leading to anxiety, big-time. For me it's opportunistic; if I finally stop feeling anxious about one thing, I'll find something else to get anxious about. It's at least a little bit helpful for me to recognize that yes, this is A Thing That Happens with many pregnant women, and in fact it happened too when I was pregnant with my first (who is perfectly healthy and happy, BTW.) That can make the anxious voices in my head a little bit less powerful. And the recognition prompts me to do a little more self-care, like meditation, to reduce my general tendencies towards the anxiety.
Also, you mentioned the fact that you won't know about FAS until your child is school-aged. Other commenters have already addressed the extreme unlikelihood that your child will develop FAS, but I just wanted to talk about this issue of waiting. This is one of the things that, for me, makes pregnancy (and child-related) anxiety so difficult to counteract: I am sitting here feeling anxious about X, and my research tells me that I won't get proof positive that X hasn't happened for years if ever, so I conclude that I am going to feel this anxious and horrible for years. And I wanted to tell you that this last bit, at least, isn't true. I've been a pregnant lady or parent now for five years, and the specific anxieties have always passed. Yes, new ones do come up, but there's also lots of time in between where I'm busy just loving and enjoying my kid, you know? I think I won't be relaxed until I know that my kid doesn't have whatever whatever, but in reality I become relaxed when I have a good few days and my son is hilarious and the sun is shining or whatever.
Congratulations, and good luck. You're going to have so much fun! Really, truly. :-)
posted by wyzewoman at 8:47 AM on September 28, 2015
Also, you mentioned the fact that you won't know about FAS until your child is school-aged. Other commenters have already addressed the extreme unlikelihood that your child will develop FAS, but I just wanted to talk about this issue of waiting. This is one of the things that, for me, makes pregnancy (and child-related) anxiety so difficult to counteract: I am sitting here feeling anxious about X, and my research tells me that I won't get proof positive that X hasn't happened for years if ever, so I conclude that I am going to feel this anxious and horrible for years. And I wanted to tell you that this last bit, at least, isn't true. I've been a pregnant lady or parent now for five years, and the specific anxieties have always passed. Yes, new ones do come up, but there's also lots of time in between where I'm busy just loving and enjoying my kid, you know? I think I won't be relaxed until I know that my kid doesn't have whatever whatever, but in reality I become relaxed when I have a good few days and my son is hilarious and the sun is shining or whatever.
Congratulations, and good luck. You're going to have so much fun! Really, truly. :-)
posted by wyzewoman at 8:47 AM on September 28, 2015
Nthing what everyone else has said about not putting yourself down.
A couple of months ago I saw an old friend who has a bicornuate uterus, she tried to conceive for years without success until finally she did. She had so little expectation of becoming pregnant that she didn't realize she was until a couple of months in, and she drank and smoked and did all that sort of stuff until she found out she was pregnant. She had a healthy baby, and then found herself pregnant again within a couple of years and had another healthy baby. These kids are both grown up now, in their thirties, and doing great.
posted by mareli at 8:48 AM on September 28, 2015
A couple of months ago I saw an old friend who has a bicornuate uterus, she tried to conceive for years without success until finally she did. She had so little expectation of becoming pregnant that she didn't realize she was until a couple of months in, and she drank and smoked and did all that sort of stuff until she found out she was pregnant. She had a healthy baby, and then found herself pregnant again within a couple of years and had another healthy baby. These kids are both grown up now, in their thirties, and doing great.
posted by mareli at 8:48 AM on September 28, 2015
Everyone above is right on with the egg sac/fuck the brother in law/all that.
I highly recommend The Panic-Free Pregnancy. It was the only book I allowed myself to read (and sparingly), because everyone and their brother-in-law, literally, will tell you what you should do, and that's probably actually more harmful than doing nothing at all.
Let me tell you how I got pregnant. I had (and have) a BMI of something like 37. I wanted to do my best. I went to the regular doctor and got everything checked; I went to an acupuncturist; I went to a naturopath (with a scientific background) and got food sensitivities checked out, and I went multiple months mostly sugar- and dairy-free. (I live in Wisconsin; dairy is like 2/3 of my diet.) I was NOT a happy camper. Finally, I was so ticked off by trying really hard to be "good" that I said, "FUCK IT I'M GETTING PIZZA AND THAT'S IT" and what do you know, I got pregnant!
Point being that stress and a change in routine will probably kick your body off of equilibrium in a way that you really, really don't need when you're either trying to conceive or trying to get through being pregnant.
Here's the other thing: I lost that first pregnancy; it turned out to be an empty sac. But I had spent my entire pregnancy, up until that definitive 12-week ultrasound, in a state of uncertainty and high alert. It was AWFUL. I would consider my birthday, two days after we found out we were having a baby, one of the worst days of my life. I completely lost it with worry about the grand scheme of life and how UNCERTAINTY IS NOT OKAY (seriously, poor KathrynT had to listen to me yell this over the phone).
I know (believe me, I know) that people telling you to relax when you're pregnant is the worst and least helpful thing in the world. But what happens happens. See this comment. The most wonderful, scientific, did-everything-right people lose their pregnancies. I had a really rough pregnancy in which I LOST 30 pounds due to gallbladder problems, and my baby kept merrily gaining weight and hiding her nards from the ultrasound. Nobody knows.
And most importantly -- as per one of the best comments on AskMe -- you have a choice to love the little spark inside you no matter what happens. What's done is done, but it doesn't change what you can do from here on out. Maybe the little spark will move on; maybe it will stay and grow. But all you can control is what happens NOW, with YOU. (Quite frankly, sitting back and doing nothing is a perfectly valid choice.)
We had to take our beautiful 4-day-old daughter back to the hospital because she wasn't regulating her temperature. All she had to do was lie there like a little warm burrito, but because we were in the hospital (and I was a messed-up first-time mom, like most first-time moms), I was flipping out because we had A Baby With Problems. I was so scared. But finally I thought about all of the cheesy stuff we had planned to do with our kid, and I pulled out my bad dance music on my iPhone, and I played "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz for my little girl while I cried and cried. It sounds stupid, but even thoguh I loved her deeply, I had to make that decision to really LIVE with our baby.
So we did.
You already love this little being. I can tell. No matter what happens, you'll be okay.
posted by St. Hubbins at 8:51 AM on September 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
I highly recommend The Panic-Free Pregnancy. It was the only book I allowed myself to read (and sparingly), because everyone and their brother-in-law, literally, will tell you what you should do, and that's probably actually more harmful than doing nothing at all.
Let me tell you how I got pregnant. I had (and have) a BMI of something like 37. I wanted to do my best. I went to the regular doctor and got everything checked; I went to an acupuncturist; I went to a naturopath (with a scientific background) and got food sensitivities checked out, and I went multiple months mostly sugar- and dairy-free. (I live in Wisconsin; dairy is like 2/3 of my diet.) I was NOT a happy camper. Finally, I was so ticked off by trying really hard to be "good" that I said, "FUCK IT I'M GETTING PIZZA AND THAT'S IT" and what do you know, I got pregnant!
Point being that stress and a change in routine will probably kick your body off of equilibrium in a way that you really, really don't need when you're either trying to conceive or trying to get through being pregnant.
Here's the other thing: I lost that first pregnancy; it turned out to be an empty sac. But I had spent my entire pregnancy, up until that definitive 12-week ultrasound, in a state of uncertainty and high alert. It was AWFUL. I would consider my birthday, two days after we found out we were having a baby, one of the worst days of my life. I completely lost it with worry about the grand scheme of life and how UNCERTAINTY IS NOT OKAY (seriously, poor KathrynT had to listen to me yell this over the phone).
I know (believe me, I know) that people telling you to relax when you're pregnant is the worst and least helpful thing in the world. But what happens happens. See this comment. The most wonderful, scientific, did-everything-right people lose their pregnancies. I had a really rough pregnancy in which I LOST 30 pounds due to gallbladder problems, and my baby kept merrily gaining weight and hiding her nards from the ultrasound. Nobody knows.
And most importantly -- as per one of the best comments on AskMe -- you have a choice to love the little spark inside you no matter what happens. What's done is done, but it doesn't change what you can do from here on out. Maybe the little spark will move on; maybe it will stay and grow. But all you can control is what happens NOW, with YOU. (Quite frankly, sitting back and doing nothing is a perfectly valid choice.)
We had to take our beautiful 4-day-old daughter back to the hospital because she wasn't regulating her temperature. All she had to do was lie there like a little warm burrito, but because we were in the hospital (and I was a messed-up first-time mom, like most first-time moms), I was flipping out because we had A Baby With Problems. I was so scared. But finally I thought about all of the cheesy stuff we had planned to do with our kid, and I pulled out my bad dance music on my iPhone, and I played "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz for my little girl while I cried and cried. It sounds stupid, but even thoguh I loved her deeply, I had to make that decision to really LIVE with our baby.
So we did.
You already love this little being. I can tell. No matter what happens, you'll be okay.
posted by St. Hubbins at 8:51 AM on September 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Here's some perspective:
The no drinking, smoking, etc during pregnancy studies came out around 30 years ago. My oldest child is 37, next one is 27. In those ten years, everything changed. Most people that are right now over 35 were carried by mothers who drank, SMOKED, and used hair dye pretty much all through their pregnancy. ALL the people you know over 35! Think about that, we all survived just fine!
posted by raisingsand at 9:10 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
The no drinking, smoking, etc during pregnancy studies came out around 30 years ago. My oldest child is 37, next one is 27. In those ten years, everything changed. Most people that are right now over 35 were carried by mothers who drank, SMOKED, and used hair dye pretty much all through their pregnancy. ALL the people you know over 35! Think about that, we all survived just fine!
posted by raisingsand at 9:10 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
I normally don't drink too much, but there were a lot of parties and I engaged in binge drinking three times, once in week three and twice near the end of week 4. I took a test the morning of the last time I drank, and it was negative, but I guess I just wasn't far enough along to come up positive. When I found out I was pregnant, I obviously have not drank a drop since and won't until way after I give birth
No guilt with this. This is fine. It's okay. It's okay to the point that other countries outside of the US aren't so damn uptight about the pregnant ladies and alcohol. Also, one of my friends ordered a glass of wine in a restaurant when she was around 32 weeks pregnant. Now, that takes some OVARIES to do in the US.
I miss deli meat more.
I don't see why you have to miss deli meat. I ate a ton of soft cheeses and egg salads and tuna fish salad sandwiches when pregnant with my kids. I'm a pescatarian. I wasn't about to give up seafood salads and all that bad stuff, and I didn't.
I also dyed my hair before I knew.
Another friend of mine dyed her hair repeatedly while pregnant. This ain't no thing, either.
You're pregnant. Not dead. Enjoy your life -- albeit, with a few recalibrations for the spawn, but, you know, you're a person too. Take care of yourself, yeah, but, you know, live your life, too.
posted by zizzle at 9:18 AM on September 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
No guilt with this. This is fine. It's okay. It's okay to the point that other countries outside of the US aren't so damn uptight about the pregnant ladies and alcohol. Also, one of my friends ordered a glass of wine in a restaurant when she was around 32 weeks pregnant. Now, that takes some OVARIES to do in the US.
I miss deli meat more.
I don't see why you have to miss deli meat. I ate a ton of soft cheeses and egg salads and tuna fish salad sandwiches when pregnant with my kids. I'm a pescatarian. I wasn't about to give up seafood salads and all that bad stuff, and I didn't.
I also dyed my hair before I knew.
Another friend of mine dyed her hair repeatedly while pregnant. This ain't no thing, either.
You're pregnant. Not dead. Enjoy your life -- albeit, with a few recalibrations for the spawn, but, you know, you're a person too. Take care of yourself, yeah, but, you know, live your life, too.
posted by zizzle at 9:18 AM on September 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Nthing what everyone else has said about a) the drinking before you knew you were pregnant is common, plus the other things, are all almost certainly not going to cause any problems in and of themselves, and b) being pregnant is a huge anxiety trigger that you may want to try to find ways to circumvent because pregnancy and parenthood both just have so many things that can make you anxious all the time every day and over time that will just make you unnecessarily unhappy.
However, and also - can we talk about 13 weeks? You've gone through a huge milestone here. Essentially, each week you've gone through a big hurdle and now, past 10-12 weeks, you're in a much better, more secure place in your pregnancy. I feel like later, when you at this point really very likely have a healthy happy infant and then child, you'll wish that you had been able to enjoy these months of anticipation and hope rather than spent them fretting. If, on the other hand, you end up with small or large problems, I still think you're not going to wish you spent time worrying about stuff that you can't go back in time and correct, particularly because if there are issues and complications, it's unlikely for them to be related to drinking between 2-5 weeks pregnancy/hair dye/lunch meat that did not give you listeria. (It seems fairly widely unclear that this is the reason to avoid deli meat - most years, 85% of listeria infections are from deli meat. If you eat the deli meat and don't get listeria, there's no longer any reason to worry about it after a few days later.)
The next 7-12 weeks or so have a lot of little milestones, each of which you have an opportunity to celebrate and/or worry about. That NT test, for example, it's important to know how often the whole quad testing raised false positives. After that, you'll have the full anatomy scan, which can be stressful for some. Plus you'll be wondering when you start to feel movement, which can be stressful until you start to feel it regularly. I do think it's important to start learning to let go a little, and take each thing as it comes. Try to enjoy the victories. Good luck to you in the rest of your pregnancy.
posted by vunder at 10:48 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
However, and also - can we talk about 13 weeks? You've gone through a huge milestone here. Essentially, each week you've gone through a big hurdle and now, past 10-12 weeks, you're in a much better, more secure place in your pregnancy. I feel like later, when you at this point really very likely have a healthy happy infant and then child, you'll wish that you had been able to enjoy these months of anticipation and hope rather than spent them fretting. If, on the other hand, you end up with small or large problems, I still think you're not going to wish you spent time worrying about stuff that you can't go back in time and correct, particularly because if there are issues and complications, it's unlikely for them to be related to drinking between 2-5 weeks pregnancy/hair dye/lunch meat that did not give you listeria. (It seems fairly widely unclear that this is the reason to avoid deli meat - most years, 85% of listeria infections are from deli meat. If you eat the deli meat and don't get listeria, there's no longer any reason to worry about it after a few days later.)
The next 7-12 weeks or so have a lot of little milestones, each of which you have an opportunity to celebrate and/or worry about. That NT test, for example, it's important to know how often the whole quad testing raised false positives. After that, you'll have the full anatomy scan, which can be stressful for some. Plus you'll be wondering when you start to feel movement, which can be stressful until you start to feel it regularly. I do think it's important to start learning to let go a little, and take each thing as it comes. Try to enjoy the victories. Good luck to you in the rest of your pregnancy.
posted by vunder at 10:48 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
First of all - congrats! I'm really happy for you, particularly since you were trying for so long.
One thing people don't always realize about being pregnant - the hormones can really intensify your normal emotions, so if you're happy you're suddenly the happiest person on earth, and you sometimes find yourself crying at dog food commercials. Or, sometimes, having severe anxiety about things.
First, I want to tell you that YOU DID NOT MAKE MISTAKES. You were living your life. Don't think of anything you did as a mistake. It just is something that happened that is likely, as many ahead have told you, no big deal.
Second, I want to say that I do think you should find a counselor or someone to talk to about your feelings.
Third, giving birth is so intimate - you and your family deserve to have an OB practice that you feel comfortable with, who listen to you, and whom you totally trust. If you're not comfortable with your current practice, then certainly change. My personal experience is that a small, woman-centeric practice that supports midwives and medical professionals can be a very soothing place to be.
Please talk with someone, and change practices to one where they listen to your concerns. You're going to be a great mom!!
posted by anastasiav at 12:24 PM on September 28, 2015
One thing people don't always realize about being pregnant - the hormones can really intensify your normal emotions, so if you're happy you're suddenly the happiest person on earth, and you sometimes find yourself crying at dog food commercials. Or, sometimes, having severe anxiety about things.
First, I want to tell you that YOU DID NOT MAKE MISTAKES. You were living your life. Don't think of anything you did as a mistake. It just is something that happened that is likely, as many ahead have told you, no big deal.
Second, I want to say that I do think you should find a counselor or someone to talk to about your feelings.
Third, giving birth is so intimate - you and your family deserve to have an OB practice that you feel comfortable with, who listen to you, and whom you totally trust. If you're not comfortable with your current practice, then certainly change. My personal experience is that a small, woman-centeric practice that supports midwives and medical professionals can be a very soothing place to be.
Please talk with someone, and change practices to one where they listen to your concerns. You're going to be a great mom!!
posted by anastasiav at 12:24 PM on September 28, 2015
Congratulations! What wonderful news for you. Remember to enjoy and celebrate.
I didn't read all the comments because I felt an urgent need to repeat: your child is not anywhere near a risk of developing FAS. FAS is a very serious condition, which happens to some children of some alcoholics, and btw it is evident within hours after delivery not after years, but THAT IS NOT RELEVANT, because your child will not be a FAS child.
Millions of women have been going out during the early weeks of pregnancy, and they and their children have been OK.
As a feminist, I sometimes get paranoid and imagine the FAS scare is about controlling women rather than protecting children. Obviously, some children are harmed by the abuse of their mothers, but it is very, very rare, and it seems normal mothers are unduly frightened.
Personally, I have suffered from severe nausea during both my pregnancies, almost from day 1, and thus I didn't drink anything. But my midwife suggested I drink Guinness or red wine during the last few weeks before delivery because she felt I was too tense and it could cause problems. So obviously, she wasn't at all worried that alcohol could harm the child.
posted by mumimor at 1:53 PM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
I didn't read all the comments because I felt an urgent need to repeat: your child is not anywhere near a risk of developing FAS. FAS is a very serious condition, which happens to some children of some alcoholics, and btw it is evident within hours after delivery not after years, but THAT IS NOT RELEVANT, because your child will not be a FAS child.
Millions of women have been going out during the early weeks of pregnancy, and they and their children have been OK.
As a feminist, I sometimes get paranoid and imagine the FAS scare is about controlling women rather than protecting children. Obviously, some children are harmed by the abuse of their mothers, but it is very, very rare, and it seems normal mothers are unduly frightened.
Personally, I have suffered from severe nausea during both my pregnancies, almost from day 1, and thus I didn't drink anything. But my midwife suggested I drink Guinness or red wine during the last few weeks before delivery because she felt I was too tense and it could cause problems. So obviously, she wasn't at all worried that alcohol could harm the child.
posted by mumimor at 1:53 PM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Another anecdote, just in case the last 30 weren't persuasive enough. My BFF did not want to get pregnant. It "just kinda happened". She is a drinker. LOVES her wine. Before she knew she was pregnant she easily got nice and tipsy every weekend with probably a glass (or so) of wine every night. She has a very healthy, very tall and lovely 14 year old who is sweet as the day is long. She was also super-freaked out about FAS, by the way.
Take a deep breath. Get some of the books mentioned above. Maybe take a pre-natal yoga class and start enjoying your pregnancy as much as humanly possible.
Mazal tov!
posted by Sophie1 at 1:59 PM on September 28, 2015
Take a deep breath. Get some of the books mentioned above. Maybe take a pre-natal yoga class and start enjoying your pregnancy as much as humanly possible.
Mazal tov!
posted by Sophie1 at 1:59 PM on September 28, 2015
Welcome to parenthood! You will be anxious for your little one from now until forever. You will be astonished at how vulnerable it is possible to feel. This is just the start of that and represents the deep love and caring that you have.
I understand it's much easier to say "don't worry about it" than it is to actually stop worrying. I suggest you take up some kind of meditation or yoga - something that teaches you how to relax and be flexible.
And watch out for in-laws and all kinds of other people who seem to think it's their job is to make pregnant women more worried than they already are.
posted by jasper411 at 2:27 PM on September 28, 2015
I understand it's much easier to say "don't worry about it" than it is to actually stop worrying. I suggest you take up some kind of meditation or yoga - something that teaches you how to relax and be flexible.
And watch out for in-laws and all kinds of other people who seem to think it's their job is to make pregnant women more worried than they already are.
posted by jasper411 at 2:27 PM on September 28, 2015
When I went to my first pregnancy class, the nurse running it asked how many pregnant women there drank before knowing they were pregnant. Everyone raised their hands. She then said, yeah, don't worry about it, the baby is fine. This was a pregnancy class at a hospital.
The doctors are blowing you off because they have no doubt heard this a million times and know that the baby is fine.
Also your brother-in-law sucks, sorry.
posted by Toddles at 8:50 PM on September 28, 2015
The doctors are blowing you off because they have no doubt heard this a million times and know that the baby is fine.
Also your brother-in-law sucks, sorry.
posted by Toddles at 8:50 PM on September 28, 2015
Mod note: One comment deleted. I realize there have been comments that included remarks about the BIL, but answers really need to focus on the OP's question rather than swerving to general discussion of her inlaws. Thanks.
posted by taz (staff) at 5:48 AM on September 29, 2015
posted by taz (staff) at 5:48 AM on September 29, 2015
I'm only adding to the chorus because I also drank wine, ate deli meats, drank coffee and ate sushi during pregnancy, and I'm also a doctor. Read Expecting Better if you like science - the evidence on which those recommendations are based is mostly highly questionable. I have two wonderful children.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:36 AM on September 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:36 AM on September 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Here's something that you can do RIGHT NOW (well, right now once you pick up one of these woo-woo necklaces I am about to describe):
Go find some prayer beads. I like the Tibetan mala that I found because 108 is a nice number that takes just long enough to distract you, and the tassel feels nice :) Hell, you can even make some! Pick some beads that feel nice when you move your fingers over them. Run them through your hands and see if they feel cool, or warm to your hands. Whatever you like. Make sure they're pleasing to look at, for your definition of pleasing. They're just for you. (That's another important thing when you're pregnant.)
Come up with a mantra to repeat. Don't say "I will be fine; things will be okay; this baby will be healthy." Say that things are good NOW. "I am healthy; I am calm; I am happy." Or "I am loved; I am safe; I am secure." "I am in control; I am capable; I am strong." Whatever makes sense for you to repeat that you need to tell yourself.
The prayer beads help you count repetitions. The actual number isn't particularly important (to me, anyway); move your fingers from bead to bead as you move ahead. Just concentrate on what you're saying, the feel of the beads, the rhythm of your words, the way you need to breathe to say them in the way you want (mouthed, whispered, out loud, whatever). If you want to repeat, go ahead and repeat. If you don't, it's cool.
Do this whenever you need to not think about whatever you're thinking about.
<3
posted by St. Hubbins at 12:07 PM on September 29, 2015
Go find some prayer beads. I like the Tibetan mala that I found because 108 is a nice number that takes just long enough to distract you, and the tassel feels nice :) Hell, you can even make some! Pick some beads that feel nice when you move your fingers over them. Run them through your hands and see if they feel cool, or warm to your hands. Whatever you like. Make sure they're pleasing to look at, for your definition of pleasing. They're just for you. (That's another important thing when you're pregnant.)
Come up with a mantra to repeat. Don't say "I will be fine; things will be okay; this baby will be healthy." Say that things are good NOW. "I am healthy; I am calm; I am happy." Or "I am loved; I am safe; I am secure." "I am in control; I am capable; I am strong." Whatever makes sense for you to repeat that you need to tell yourself.
The prayer beads help you count repetitions. The actual number isn't particularly important (to me, anyway); move your fingers from bead to bead as you move ahead. Just concentrate on what you're saying, the feel of the beads, the rhythm of your words, the way you need to breathe to say them in the way you want (mouthed, whispered, out loud, whatever). If you want to repeat, go ahead and repeat. If you don't, it's cool.
Do this whenever you need to not think about whatever you're thinking about.
<3
posted by St. Hubbins at 12:07 PM on September 29, 2015
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I think you have the right idea about talking to a counselor. Your guilt is serving to do nothing but make you feel awful. A counselor will be able to help you process your feelings and stop obsessing about how awful you are and stop feeling so anxious. You deserve to feel happy about finally having a child if it is what you have wanted for so long.
Your brother-in-law is an asshole.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 1:18 AM on September 28, 2015 [35 favorites]