Is offering her oral sex "appropriate" for our first time?
September 25, 2015 11:38 PM Subscribe
We've agreed to meet at my place to proceed with the make-out session we had in our last date. If things run smoothly and more intimacy is achieved, I would like to suggest giving her oral sex, but should it perhaps be wiser to stick to the more basic stuff this first time and leave oral sex for later encounters?
Neither of us is very sexually experienced. She has had 2 previous partners, I have had only 1. Some details of the foreplay we plan to perform have already been discussed. I think there is a good chance we'll have sex, but being a virtual neophyte at this, I wonder whether receiving oral sex from a new, rather inexperienced partner might be something a young, rather inexperienced woman is likely to enjoy.
Neither of us is very sexually experienced. She has had 2 previous partners, I have had only 1. Some details of the foreplay we plan to perform have already been discussed. I think there is a good chance we'll have sex, but being a virtual neophyte at this, I wonder whether receiving oral sex from a new, rather inexperienced partner might be something a young, rather inexperienced woman is likely to enjoy.
Yeah if you're doing sex stuff this should absolutely be on the table and there's no reason to leave it for later. Just ask her.
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:56 PM on September 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:56 PM on September 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
You are asking the wrong people. Ask her. If she's into it, then go for it.
I think there is a good chance we'll have sex, but being a virtual neophyte at this, I wonder whether receiving oral sex from a new, rather inexperienced partner might be something a young, rather inexperienced woman is likely to enjoy.
Like any skill, you have to practice! Unlike many skills, practicing this one is fun. May I suggest this cute (if a bit vulgar) little guide from Oh Joy Sex Toy.
You say you're both inexperienced. Well, that's by the by. Relax, take it as it comes, talk to her and ask her what she likes and wants, and tell her what you like and want. In the end, that's all there is to it.
Have fun!
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 12:05 AM on September 26, 2015 [10 favorites]
I think there is a good chance we'll have sex, but being a virtual neophyte at this, I wonder whether receiving oral sex from a new, rather inexperienced partner might be something a young, rather inexperienced woman is likely to enjoy.
Like any skill, you have to practice! Unlike many skills, practicing this one is fun. May I suggest this cute (if a bit vulgar) little guide from Oh Joy Sex Toy.
You say you're both inexperienced. Well, that's by the by. Relax, take it as it comes, talk to her and ask her what she likes and wants, and tell her what you like and want. In the end, that's all there is to it.
Have fun!
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 12:05 AM on September 26, 2015 [10 favorites]
Yes, oral sex is absolutely normal sex stuff. Ask her. "I would like to give you oral, is that okay?" or "would you like oral?"
And jinx on the Oh Joy Sex Toy guide! Definitely don't be afraid to add fingers, and in fact that can make it less pressure for performance as it's two kinds of stimulation.
Ask her what she likes. Getting good at communicating about sex is best started as early as possible.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:08 AM on September 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
And jinx on the Oh Joy Sex Toy guide! Definitely don't be afraid to add fingers, and in fact that can make it less pressure for performance as it's two kinds of stimulation.
Ask her what she likes. Getting good at communicating about sex is best started as early as possible.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:08 AM on September 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Just ask her. If you want something a little less formal than what Crystalinne said, you can say "Can I go down on you?"
Be forewarned there's a chance she might say no this time because not everyone is comfortable with that level of intimacy so soon.
posted by atinna at 1:12 AM on September 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
Be forewarned there's a chance she might say no this time because not everyone is comfortable with that level of intimacy so soon.
posted by atinna at 1:12 AM on September 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
Oral is standard, basic stuff but so is discussions about STIs and testing history. There are some couples that will only have protected oral sex until after appropriate testing is done and there are some couples that won't bother with oral until after it's safe. I fall into the latter camp - I'd rather get a hand job than oral with a condom. So talk and communicate.
posted by Candleman at 1:27 AM on September 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Candleman at 1:27 AM on September 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'd be inclined to have a conversation about "oral sex in general" first, rather than having a conversation about the more specific situation of you performing oral sex on her. If she's OK with the idea of oral sex, then ask if it's OK for you to perform it on her. Saying no to the latter could be construed as a rejection of you and what you want, while the former is a rejection of the more abstract idea of oral sex in general.
"Oral sex in general" gives a bit more space to discuss "I really like [method]/don't ever do [other method]/I've never tried [method] but it sounds like fun". Having a little leeway might make the conversation easier.
Of course, get enthusiastic consent before you do anything and pay attention to what she's saying to you. If she wants you to X her Y at [specific frequency], then do that. It's possible you might stumble upon something that she likes by trying various things, but I think it's much more likely she knows what she likes already. Ignoring what she wants/says is a recipe for disaster (and just a generally rude thing to do). Or maybe she doesn't know, and is open to trying various methods to see what works. If she says she wants you to perform oral sex on her, then have a further conversation about methods and inexperience and all that stuff.
Some things take practice. Some things take more practice than others. You might get it right first time, or it might take a few times, or you might just never get it right with this particular person. All of those things are OK. Do your best and that's all anyone can ask for you.
posted by Solomon at 1:37 AM on September 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Oral sex in general" gives a bit more space to discuss "I really like [method]/don't ever do [other method]/I've never tried [method] but it sounds like fun". Having a little leeway might make the conversation easier.
Of course, get enthusiastic consent before you do anything and pay attention to what she's saying to you. If she wants you to X her Y at [specific frequency], then do that. It's possible you might stumble upon something that she likes by trying various things, but I think it's much more likely she knows what she likes already. Ignoring what she wants/says is a recipe for disaster (and just a generally rude thing to do). Or maybe she doesn't know, and is open to trying various methods to see what works. If she says she wants you to perform oral sex on her, then have a further conversation about methods and inexperience and all that stuff.
Some things take practice. Some things take more practice than others. You might get it right first time, or it might take a few times, or you might just never get it right with this particular person. All of those things are OK. Do your best and that's all anyone can ask for you.
posted by Solomon at 1:37 AM on September 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Only something like 25% of women orgasm from PIV (penis in vagina) sex, so oral/manual stimulation can be an important part of an encounter to make up for this.
Asking for consent first is awesome ("Can I go down on you?"), possibly after having a conversation about STIs etc in a non-sexual setting. If she's uncomfortable about unprotected oral for whatever reason (I was paranoid about coldsores and herpes when I first started having sex), then it's better for that to come up outside the bedroom.
If you think that sex might happen, please make sure that you have condoms and condom-safe, water-based lube on hand. Once I went home with someone and he had no lube and a random assortment of condoms, most of which were not the right size for him. I guess he didn't want to be presumptuous and buy a new box of condoms, but it really put a spanner in the works.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:54 AM on September 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Asking for consent first is awesome ("Can I go down on you?"), possibly after having a conversation about STIs etc in a non-sexual setting. If she's uncomfortable about unprotected oral for whatever reason (I was paranoid about coldsores and herpes when I first started having sex), then it's better for that to come up outside the bedroom.
If you think that sex might happen, please make sure that you have condoms and condom-safe, water-based lube on hand. Once I went home with someone and he had no lube and a random assortment of condoms, most of which were not the right size for him. I guess he didn't want to be presumptuous and buy a new box of condoms, but it really put a spanner in the works.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:54 AM on September 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Note: some women don't enjoy oral sex, and I, for one, flinched fucking hard at that Oh Joy Sex Toy guide. Trust and believe your partner will tell you what she wants/likes.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:24 AM on September 26, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by geek anachronism at 3:24 AM on September 26, 2015 [16 favorites]
Seconding geek anachronism - if she says she's not into it, take her word (or actions, like trying to pull your head up to kiss her) for it. But yeah, it should definitely be on the table.
posted by amro at 4:42 AM on September 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by amro at 4:42 AM on September 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Going down on her as your first below-the-waist sexy business together (with her consent, of course), is a totally dope move. It's a demonstration in your commitment to her pleasure.
posted by mchorn at 6:24 AM on September 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by mchorn at 6:24 AM on September 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
Just wanted to give you a different perspective - this varies wildly by person, so you need to see what she wants. For me, receiving oral sex is really intimate and exposed, and not something I'm necessarily interested in the first few hookups. For me, it's usually later in a relationship than having PIV sex.
posted by mercredi at 9:06 AM on September 26, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by mercredi at 9:06 AM on September 26, 2015 [11 favorites]
Some details of the foreplay we plan to perform have already been discussed.
Why don't you suggest it in your discussions? That should give you an idea of how she feels about it. If she doesn't take your bait/changes the topic, then you can probably assume she doesn't want it yet.
Personally, when I was younger, I felt uncomfortable about guys going down on me, especially if I didn't know them too well. I think I had one boyfriend whom I never let go down on me! It's quite an intimate experience, and I have to be in a particular mood for it.
posted by sweetshine at 9:10 AM on September 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Why don't you suggest it in your discussions? That should give you an idea of how she feels about it. If she doesn't take your bait/changes the topic, then you can probably assume she doesn't want it yet.
Personally, when I was younger, I felt uncomfortable about guys going down on me, especially if I didn't know them too well. I think I had one boyfriend whom I never let go down on me! It's quite an intimate experience, and I have to be in a particular mood for it.
posted by sweetshine at 9:10 AM on September 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, we cannot answer this question. Only she can answer this questuon. A far better AskMe question would be "How can I best ask her?"
No matter how normal or commonplace a sex act is, specific individuals can have baggage or particular provisos. If she happens to be a person where this is a touchy topic for any reason, how you ask will matter a whole lot. If this isn't an uncomfortable topic for her, just asking is the right thing to do and there will be wide latitude on "the right way" to ask. If this is a touchy topic, how you bring it up can significantly influence her answer.
posted by Michele in California at 10:44 AM on September 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
No matter how normal or commonplace a sex act is, specific individuals can have baggage or particular provisos. If she happens to be a person where this is a touchy topic for any reason, how you ask will matter a whole lot. If this isn't an uncomfortable topic for her, just asking is the right thing to do and there will be wide latitude on "the right way" to ask. If this is a touchy topic, how you bring it up can significantly influence her answer.
posted by Michele in California at 10:44 AM on September 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
Can I go down on you?
Or "Want me/Would you like me to go down on you?"
Less "Do I have permission for this act," more "Are you interested in this act?"
posted by klangklangston at 1:17 PM on September 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
Or "Want me/Would you like me to go down on you?"
Less "Do I have permission for this act," more "Are you interested in this act?"
posted by klangklangston at 1:17 PM on September 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
Or "I'd like to...if it's okay with you."
If it is something you actually desire to do because you actually enjoy it, it would be appropriate and useful to somehow include that information in a way that is not pushy. Some people are very sensitive about that and if you don't make it clear that this is something you find desirable and enjoyable and actually would like to do for your own pleasure as well as hers, that can just kill it for them. Like "No, no thanks. I'm good. We can do something you actually enjoy doing and not something you feel obligated to do or have some weird idea you should do or whatever." (Except they probably won't spell it out that clearly. More like: Make face. Turn away. And then good luck ever bringing it up again.)
posted by Michele in California at 1:24 PM on September 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
If it is something you actually desire to do because you actually enjoy it, it would be appropriate and useful to somehow include that information in a way that is not pushy. Some people are very sensitive about that and if you don't make it clear that this is something you find desirable and enjoyable and actually would like to do for your own pleasure as well as hers, that can just kill it for them. Like "No, no thanks. I'm good. We can do something you actually enjoy doing and not something you feel obligated to do or have some weird idea you should do or whatever." (Except they probably won't spell it out that clearly. More like: Make face. Turn away. And then good luck ever bringing it up again.)
posted by Michele in California at 1:24 PM on September 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Please explicitly ask for permission to go down on her. It's not as awkward as it seems, it's very charming and sexy. Also practical because here is the thing that concerns me about your "good chance we'll have sex" statement:
Does she know that there's a good chance? Is she assuming another make out session with just a little more? You shouldn't be afraid to say,"I really want to sleep with you."
Also the going down on her:
I've had a pretty sad discussion with one of my best friends who is a gynecologist who has seen an uptick in oral to genital herpes transmission (HSV-1 ). She was late to our lunch date because she (lovely human being she is) spent extra time consoling a devestated young woman (educated, bright, successful career) who just didn't know she could get genital herpes from oral sex (her boyfriend dos not have genital herpes so she was freaked out at how she could have it). We were shocked but we're in the privileged position of either being a healthcare provider or being a student in a healthcare profession. It's shocking that even the smartest men and women don't know this but it's sadly not surprising. (I know when I was in college, the sex health pamphlets and flyers did correctly differentiate HSV-1 and HSV-2; however, I don't recall them explicitly warning of the possibility of oral to genital transmission.) There has been an uptick of oral to genital herpes transmission. A good percentage of genital herpes is caused by oral to genital transmission. And while it shouldn't be stigmatized, it's painful, inconvenient, and can be expensive to treat. And it's devestating to people who get it and didn't know they could.
Sex is not the movies (especially not a porn movie). Not being clear about your intentions or assuming someone else must be thinking the same thing is wishful thinking or lazy or manipulative, even if it's the norm. Have the confidence to be able to talk about sex, because talking is a huge part of having healthy communication about and during sex.
And please explicitly ask her permission to go down on her. It's icky any other way. And if you're okay asking us, you really should be asking her, and asking her permission. (And she clearly likes you)
posted by discopolo at 2:05 PM on September 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
Does she know that there's a good chance? Is she assuming another make out session with just a little more? You shouldn't be afraid to say,"I really want to sleep with you."
Also the going down on her:
I've had a pretty sad discussion with one of my best friends who is a gynecologist who has seen an uptick in oral to genital herpes transmission (HSV-1 ). She was late to our lunch date because she (lovely human being she is) spent extra time consoling a devestated young woman (educated, bright, successful career) who just didn't know she could get genital herpes from oral sex (her boyfriend dos not have genital herpes so she was freaked out at how she could have it). We were shocked but we're in the privileged position of either being a healthcare provider or being a student in a healthcare profession. It's shocking that even the smartest men and women don't know this but it's sadly not surprising. (I know when I was in college, the sex health pamphlets and flyers did correctly differentiate HSV-1 and HSV-2; however, I don't recall them explicitly warning of the possibility of oral to genital transmission.) There has been an uptick of oral to genital herpes transmission. A good percentage of genital herpes is caused by oral to genital transmission. And while it shouldn't be stigmatized, it's painful, inconvenient, and can be expensive to treat. And it's devestating to people who get it and didn't know they could.
Sex is not the movies (especially not a porn movie). Not being clear about your intentions or assuming someone else must be thinking the same thing is wishful thinking or lazy or manipulative, even if it's the norm. Have the confidence to be able to talk about sex, because talking is a huge part of having healthy communication about and during sex.
And please explicitly ask her permission to go down on her. It's icky any other way. And if you're okay asking us, you really should be asking her, and asking her permission. (And she clearly likes you)
posted by discopolo at 2:05 PM on September 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
I tend to find oral sex way more intimate than other sex activities so yeah just talk to her. I'm not normal or weird, like her I'm just a person with an opinion on it. I've had partners that loved it and partners that did not want it.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:32 PM on September 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:32 PM on September 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
For a first time, I think it's really important to establish consent, and probably to establish consent for each step of the process and each new act you introduce. Just because, hey, you never know what any particular person finds normal, or thinks is a turnoff, or whatever.
But oral should absolutely be on the agenda assuming she's interested. If she doesn't enjoy it, she'll let you know (assuming you ask, of course).
posted by Sara C. at 11:47 PM on September 25, 2015 [21 favorites]