Should I go out with all 3 guys who happen to know each other?
September 24, 2015 9:37 PM Subscribe
I'm currently in a weird predicament. I recently started talking to 3 guys off of a dating app (not Tinder) at around the same time. They all asked me out for a first date. Through our exchanges, I notice that all 3 go to the same school together and happen to be in the same group of friends. I even saw a few photos of them together. All 3 have asked me to go on coffee or dinner date with them. I don't know what I should do because I haven't met any in personso I don't know them yet to write anyone off. At the same time, I don't want to be labeled as a serial dater if I agree to go out with all 3 of them. I'm afraid of the awkwardness when they later find out. What do you think I should do? Their ages range from 22-27 by the way.
Maybe I'm a cynic, but I'm very skeptical that this is a coincidence. Not just three people asking you out who all know one another, but them also asking you out on similar dates and almost simultaneously.
Perhaps the three of them are having some sort of competition about who's best with women, or something like that?
posted by kickingtheground at 9:57 PM on September 24, 2015 [122 favorites]
Perhaps the three of them are having some sort of competition about who's best with women, or something like that?
posted by kickingtheground at 9:57 PM on September 24, 2015 [122 favorites]
I'm sort of pessimistic/paranoid about these things -- I think it will be awkward at best, and at worst, they are having some sort of creepy competition to see who gets to date you.
posted by ktkt at 9:58 PM on September 24, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by ktkt at 9:58 PM on September 24, 2015 [10 favorites]
Did all of them initiate contact? If so, I'm with kickingtheground and ktkt... this smells like some kind of gross competition.
posted by pheide at 10:02 PM on September 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by pheide at 10:02 PM on September 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: No, it was on an app that is similar to Tinder, but I only get one match a day instead of an endless amount like on Tinder and coincidentally the 3 matches I got on 3 different days are these 3 guys. All 3 of them swiped yes for me and I initiated convo with 2 of them. It was a total coincidence for this part at least.
posted by missybitsy at 10:06 PM on September 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by missybitsy at 10:06 PM on September 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't want to be labeled as a serial dater if I agree to go out with all 3 of them.
I read this as meaning "I don't want to be labeled as someone who keeps my options option until I make a decision" which, you know, doesn't really make sense.
posted by Thella at 10:15 PM on September 24, 2015 [12 favorites]
I read this as meaning "I don't want to be labeled as someone who keeps my options option until I make a decision" which, you know, doesn't really make sense.
posted by Thella at 10:15 PM on September 24, 2015 [12 favorites]
In that case, missybitsy, it's like a real life meet cute. You should totally do it.
posted by pheide at 10:22 PM on September 24, 2015
posted by pheide at 10:22 PM on September 24, 2015
I don't want to be labeled as a serial dater.
Who the fuck cares? Go be awesome. Go be the person that gets to age 70 and tells their grandkids, "OK, let me tell you about the time I dated three guys at the same time. It was great! So there I was..."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:28 PM on September 24, 2015 [41 favorites]
Who the fuck cares? Go be awesome. Go be the person that gets to age 70 and tells their grandkids, "OK, let me tell you about the time I dated three guys at the same time. It was great! So there I was..."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:28 PM on September 24, 2015 [41 favorites]
Is this Coffee Meets Bagel by chance? Where people can recommend that specific profiles be shown to their friends?
posted by estlin at 10:36 PM on September 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by estlin at 10:36 PM on September 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
You should totally go out with all three, together, on one huge date!!
In all seriousness, it's completely fine to date all three or none of them or some of them, whatever you want.
posted by FireFountain at 11:04 PM on September 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
In all seriousness, it's completely fine to date all three or none of them or some of them, whatever you want.
posted by FireFountain at 11:04 PM on September 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
As a guy in that age range, me and my friends whined on about "serial daters"... when we were like 20.
No one cares at all now and literally this scenario has happened and everyone just laughs about it. You might even go on dates with several of them and end up becoming friends with all of them in the end.
posted by emptythought at 11:07 PM on September 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
No one cares at all now and literally this scenario has happened and everyone just laughs about it. You might even go on dates with several of them and end up becoming friends with all of them in the end.
posted by emptythought at 11:07 PM on September 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't. Some guys have notoriously fragile egos, and they'll turn from adoring you into huge dicks who try to get back at you by tarnishing your reputation to anyone they know. "Serial dater" is one of the nicer terms they might use. I would say it doesn't matter what they say, and it doesn't, but you don't deserve to go though hell because they decide to be jerks.
Tread carefully, especially if you don't know them.
posted by discopolo at 11:19 PM on September 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Tread carefully, especially if you don't know them.
posted by discopolo at 11:19 PM on September 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Can you just be upfront? Same message to all of them? "Hey, weird thing, I've also connected with your friends (person A) and (person b) over the past week or two. Haven't met them in person yet but when I saw you were all in the same program, I looked at your photos and saw one of the three of you! Weird!! Anyway I was hoping you're still up for that coffee?"
posted by samthemander at 11:31 PM on September 24, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by samthemander at 11:31 PM on September 24, 2015 [13 favorites]
I also hate to be cynical but it's not entirely unlikely that the guys get together to use the dating app and that the others 'swiped' for you because they're all swiping the same women to see what happens.
I'd avoid the situation and look elsewhere as I guess you probably don't want to get involved what might potentially be a juvenile competition.
posted by jpziller at 11:32 PM on September 24, 2015 [30 favorites]
I'd avoid the situation and look elsewhere as I guess you probably don't want to get involved what might potentially be a juvenile competition.
posted by jpziller at 11:32 PM on September 24, 2015 [30 favorites]
I think you should proceed with caution, as far as this possibly being a competition. Can you say to them that you'd like to talk a bit more first? Or that your schedule is hectic and you'll let them know in a few days when you'll have time? That can give you some time to chat more and maybe you'll get a feel for who you might prefer.
I wouldn't mention that you know they're friends because if this is just a coincidence tipping them off might end up turning it into a competition. And if not, I still think that would make the situation awkward for all involved.
If you do end up in a relationship with one (or more!) of them then it would be a funny story down the line.
posted by blackzinfandel at 12:02 AM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't mention that you know they're friends because if this is just a coincidence tipping them off might end up turning it into a competition. And if not, I still think that would make the situation awkward for all involved.
If you do end up in a relationship with one (or more!) of them then it would be a funny story down the line.
posted by blackzinfandel at 12:02 AM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
I once matched with a guy on Tinder who I later found out was sleeping with one of my best friends (note: I found this out before I met him in person. I'd actually been hearing about him from my friend, who was telling me explicit details about their sex life, and somehow she never mentioned his name once, haha!).
The two of them were doing the casual no-strings thing, and they were both totally cool with it. When we were chatting, the guy seemed really into me, but I was on the fence about him.
Anyway, we all joked about it once the bizarre Tinder triangle had been revealed, and weirdly enough, my friend really wanted me to get together with him (I suspect the two of them were scheming as to how to get me to go on a date with him). I told him I felt weird about the whole situation, but agreed to get dinner with him, as friends. Turns out I wasn't really attracted to him, and the fact that he was sleeping with my friend made me even less attracted. He was a nice guy though, and I had a pleasant dinner with him.
So maybe make sure everyone knows what the situation is, and if you're all comfortable with it then go ahead. You might not even like any of them romantically, and maybe one, two, or all three of them will be put off by the fact that you all know each other. Maybe you'll all end up just being friends? It doesn't have to be so serious, just make sure you're all on the same page.
posted by sweetshine at 1:02 AM on September 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
The two of them were doing the casual no-strings thing, and they were both totally cool with it. When we were chatting, the guy seemed really into me, but I was on the fence about him.
Anyway, we all joked about it once the bizarre Tinder triangle had been revealed, and weirdly enough, my friend really wanted me to get together with him (I suspect the two of them were scheming as to how to get me to go on a date with him). I told him I felt weird about the whole situation, but agreed to get dinner with him, as friends. Turns out I wasn't really attracted to him, and the fact that he was sleeping with my friend made me even less attracted. He was a nice guy though, and I had a pleasant dinner with him.
So maybe make sure everyone knows what the situation is, and if you're all comfortable with it then go ahead. You might not even like any of them romantically, and maybe one, two, or all three of them will be put off by the fact that you all know each other. Maybe you'll all end up just being friends? It doesn't have to be so serious, just make sure you're all on the same page.
posted by sweetshine at 1:02 AM on September 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Are you feeling uncomfortable about it? I think if they're dicks they could lable you as a serial dater, yes. At best, they'll compare notes.
There's no reason to sit out these dates if you'd rather not have that looming at the back of your mind.
You could tell them why. Hey, turns out your friends X and Y have also asked me on a date. To be honest, I'd just feel weird dating either of you now so I'm cancelling. Best of luck!
posted by Omnomnom at 1:33 AM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's no reason to sit out these dates if you'd rather not have that looming at the back of your mind.
You could tell them why. Hey, turns out your friends X and Y have also asked me on a date. To be honest, I'd just feel weird dating either of you now so I'm cancelling. Best of luck!
posted by Omnomnom at 1:33 AM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't think it's morally wrong to date all three, but it is risking a whole lot of drama and awkwardness.
It's possible these guys do have some creepy deal they've worked out together, a competition or something. Or it's possible these guys would freak out to find out you were dating them all at once, and they'd treat you badly for it. It's also possible you could end up marrying one guy and breaking another guy's heart, and then you've got Mr. Broken Heart in your circle of friends forever. Yes, these are all hypotheticals, but the point is that there are a few ways this could go right and many, many more ways it could go wrong.
In a world this large there's no reason to end up in the kinds of messes you could get into by dating three guys in the same circle of friends. Don't go looking for trouble.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:05 AM on September 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
It's possible these guys do have some creepy deal they've worked out together, a competition or something. Or it's possible these guys would freak out to find out you were dating them all at once, and they'd treat you badly for it. It's also possible you could end up marrying one guy and breaking another guy's heart, and then you've got Mr. Broken Heart in your circle of friends forever. Yes, these are all hypotheticals, but the point is that there are a few ways this could go right and many, many more ways it could go wrong.
In a world this large there's no reason to end up in the kinds of messes you could get into by dating three guys in the same circle of friends. Don't go looking for trouble.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:05 AM on September 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
Note: I'm very jaded, I guess.
I wouldn't. I'd be too concerned about whether they could possibly be discussing every detail of every date with each other and comparing notes. If you ended up making out or sleeping with one of them, would you be okay with him discussing all the details with his friends?
I wouldn't put it past most men to then give you a shiny new label if they're unhappy about how your behaviour and their expectations don't match up, but it's not going to be "Serial Dater". It would also start with S, though.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:49 AM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't. I'd be too concerned about whether they could possibly be discussing every detail of every date with each other and comparing notes. If you ended up making out or sleeping with one of them, would you be okay with him discussing all the details with his friends?
I wouldn't put it past most men to then give you a shiny new label if they're unhappy about how your behaviour and their expectations don't match up, but it's not going to be "Serial Dater". It would also start with S, though.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:49 AM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
In my experience, first Internet dates are overwhelmingly platonic pre-dates. I would personally go out with all three of them once and just play it very conservative. Coffee, an early drink on a week night, something like that. I think you'll get a feel pretty quickly if anything is off about the situation. Run for the hill if one or more of them seem oddly aggressive. I probably wouldn't go on a second date with more than one of them. However, if your odds with Internet dating are anything like mine it's highly unlikely you'll like more than one of them.
posted by whoaali at 4:43 AM on September 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by whoaali at 4:43 AM on September 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
I would, but not for long - like, sure, go on the coffee date with all three of them, but probably don't keep going out with all three of them for more than a couple of dates. It seems unlikely that you will be interested in moving forward to regular dating with ALL THREE of these guys, unless you are very lucky or very nonselective about who you date.
posted by mskyle at 4:56 AM on September 25, 2015
posted by mskyle at 4:56 AM on September 25, 2015
Oh, my gosh--you are living your own sitcom! I think you should make the three of them compete for your attentions in a love-themed obstacle course.
On a more serious note, is there one of the three to whom you are more attracted? I would message that one and ask about the coincidence. You can probably gauge a lot about the situation (and, by extension, about his own character) by his response. Maybe it's a hilarious surprise to them, maybe it was planned--but at least you'll be going in to the situation with an inside line.
posted by Mrs. Rattery at 5:20 AM on September 25, 2015 [6 favorites]
On a more serious note, is there one of the three to whom you are more attracted? I would message that one and ask about the coincidence. You can probably gauge a lot about the situation (and, by extension, about his own character) by his response. Maybe it's a hilarious surprise to them, maybe it was planned--but at least you'll be going in to the situation with an inside line.
posted by Mrs. Rattery at 5:20 AM on September 25, 2015 [6 favorites]
Add me to the chorus of people who highly doubt this is a coincidence. I'd steer clear of the whole situation.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:35 AM on September 25, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:35 AM on September 25, 2015 [12 favorites]
A few caveats:
a) I'm not a girl, and
b) It's been years since I've dated
This really doesn't pass the smell test with me. Something just seems OFF.
It's not that you'll be branded a serial dater, because hey - we all were or are, serial daters. You date someone, it doesn't work, you meet someone and date someone else. It's the very definition of serial dating.
I would not do it, but should you decide differently, there's good advice above.
Go slow. VERY slow, and keep your wits about you.
Well lit public areas, coffee, generic topics of conversation.
I'd also add that I'd keep at least two weeks between dates.
Keep the lines of communication open, but more importantly, that much time allows for any shenanigans that are going to go on behind the scenes to happen, and also allow you to suss it out.
Again, I'm voting no.
Please be careful.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 5:37 AM on September 25, 2015 [6 favorites]
a) I'm not a girl, and
b) It's been years since I've dated
This really doesn't pass the smell test with me. Something just seems OFF.
It's not that you'll be branded a serial dater, because hey - we all were or are, serial daters. You date someone, it doesn't work, you meet someone and date someone else. It's the very definition of serial dating.
I would not do it, but should you decide differently, there's good advice above.
Go slow. VERY slow, and keep your wits about you.
Well lit public areas, coffee, generic topics of conversation.
I'd also add that I'd keep at least two weeks between dates.
Keep the lines of communication open, but more importantly, that much time allows for any shenanigans that are going to go on behind the scenes to happen, and also allow you to suss it out.
Again, I'm voting no.
Please be careful.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 5:37 AM on September 25, 2015 [6 favorites]
This reads like the plot for the worst episode ever of "How I Met Your Mother."
Things that sound like sitcom setups tend to be a lot less fun and much less funny in real life. I say this based on experience.
I would advise a friend to politely avoid whatever this is. It is just too sitcom-ish.
posted by Punctual at 5:54 AM on September 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
Things that sound like sitcom setups tend to be a lot less fun and much less funny in real life. I say this based on experience.
I would advise a friend to politely avoid whatever this is. It is just too sitcom-ish.
posted by Punctual at 5:54 AM on September 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
In fantasy-world I would do it because it sounds hilarious and then later I would have a great story to tell.
But in real-life, I have to agree with previous commenters: there is no way this does not end badly, if not start badly. They probably all swiped yes because they were recommending your profile to each other, at bare minimum.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:04 AM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
But in real-life, I have to agree with previous commenters: there is no way this does not end badly, if not start badly. They probably all swiped yes because they were recommending your profile to each other, at bare minimum.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:04 AM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
If it's Coffee Meets Bagel, then you are being matched with people who are in your fb friends circle and friends of friends anyway. This kind of coincidence is not hugely unlikely. That's actually the point of Coffee Meets Bagel.
I say go. So what if they know, or don't know? You all are online dating, trying to meet new people. A date is not a relationship, it won't make you a serial dater.
I would advise only picking one out of the 3 to KEEP on dating tho, if you do end up liking anyone of them. Otherwise things might become indeed more dramatic.
Have fun!
posted by enlivener at 6:08 AM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
I say go. So what if they know, or don't know? You all are online dating, trying to meet new people. A date is not a relationship, it won't make you a serial dater.
I would advise only picking one out of the 3 to KEEP on dating tho, if you do end up liking anyone of them. Otherwise things might become indeed more dramatic.
Have fun!
posted by enlivener at 6:08 AM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: It's Coffee meets Bagel, everyone. Sorry I should have been upfront about it. And yeah, I do think I got matched to them randomly as the person above me suggested. But that doesn't mean they haven't talked about me already. Who knows
posted by missybitsy at 6:11 AM on September 25, 2015
posted by missybitsy at 6:11 AM on September 25, 2015
Response by poster: And I think I might cancel on one of them, and meet the other 2 for coffee. One of them suggested dinner but that sounds too date-y so I might change that to coffee. I don't think I'll go on a second date with more than one though, if it works out with any at all. What do you think?
posted by missybitsy at 6:14 AM on September 25, 2015
posted by missybitsy at 6:14 AM on September 25, 2015
missybitsy: "And I think I might cancel on one of them, and meet the other 2 for coffee"
Obviously, that's your prerogative, but that seems like it would only serve to increase the potential for drama - the odd man out might feel pretty slighted. I think I would set up coffee dates with each of them, and I would mention that you have been matched with all three at some point in the planning process ("Hey, I think this app also matched me with your friends Barry and Levon. Weird right?"), as their individual reactions to that will tell you a good deal about their character.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:24 AM on September 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Obviously, that's your prerogative, but that seems like it would only serve to increase the potential for drama - the odd man out might feel pretty slighted. I think I would set up coffee dates with each of them, and I would mention that you have been matched with all three at some point in the planning process ("Hey, I think this app also matched me with your friends Barry and Levon. Weird right?"), as their individual reactions to that will tell you a good deal about their character.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:24 AM on September 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
If these were people you already knew in person from your social circle, I'd say, sure, casually date whoever, let the chips fall where they may. But yeah, like a lot of others have said, the fact that this is an app and you don't know these dudes makes it seem fishy.
Why not just pick one that you are interested in more and date that person? And if you are equally into all of them, it sounds like none of them are really that interesting.
posted by Sara C. at 6:28 AM on September 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
Why not just pick one that you are interested in more and date that person? And if you are equally into all of them, it sounds like none of them are really that interesting.
posted by Sara C. at 6:28 AM on September 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also, I noticed someone else bringing up an "odd man out" situation. If you're already worrying about bringing enough for the whole class, there is already way too much drama here for this to be workable at all.
posted by Sara C. at 6:28 AM on September 25, 2015 [22 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 6:28 AM on September 25, 2015 [22 favorites]
I don't think this is a big deal. The only problem I've had with dating multiple people at once is that I think that it's harder for me to give any of the individual people a truly fair chance (this is especially true if I end up being interested in all of them...it's like the online dating trap of too much choice amplified). I find it highly unlikely that they're using you for a competition, but I guess it's theoretically possible. Meet them, keep it light, go from there. At this point, the others will already recognize you even if you cancel on two out of three, right? What if one of them really is a good match?
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:14 AM on September 25, 2015
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:14 AM on September 25, 2015
It really seems that they all saw you and matched with you. I internet dated for 2 years and it has made me cynical but I have a pretty reliable gut now.
posted by shesbenevolent at 8:06 AM on September 25, 2015
posted by shesbenevolent at 8:06 AM on September 25, 2015
If they label you for doing what they're doing (presumably, nonexclusively dating people on a dating app,) then they they're no prizes and good riddance.
I'm not gonna lie and say that's not a risk, given how our culture views women, but it's a risk worth taking and you'll know some very important information about them if it does happen.
posted by kapers at 9:20 AM on September 25, 2015
I'm not gonna lie and say that's not a risk, given how our culture views women, but it's a risk worth taking and you'll know some very important information about them if it does happen.
posted by kapers at 9:20 AM on September 25, 2015
Take a better-case scenario: Suppose you dated all 3, and the one turned out to be The One, or at least an LTR. Are you going to be okay with continuing to be friends with this guys who dated (for any value of "dated")?
You should look at how you deal with people you've dated, stopped dating, and still see. How do you feel about seeing them around, socially, and how do they seem to feel about seeing you?
All good? Good.
Not so good? Reconsider this plan, and maybe just do some more screening on these guys and pick one to date.
posted by Sunburnt at 9:29 AM on September 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
You should look at how you deal with people you've dated, stopped dating, and still see. How do you feel about seeing them around, socially, and how do they seem to feel about seeing you?
All good? Good.
Not so good? Reconsider this plan, and maybe just do some more screening on these guys and pick one to date.
posted by Sunburnt at 9:29 AM on September 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Have you seen the film In the Company of Men? I have a creepy feeling these guys might have.
Proceed carefully, as you would having coffee at The Waking Life in Asheville.
posted by TenaciousB at 10:29 AM on September 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Proceed carefully, as you would having coffee at The Waking Life in Asheville.
posted by TenaciousB at 10:29 AM on September 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Smart to only go on a second date with one! Get coffee or a drink with all three if you want. If you end up dating one, you'll laugh about it later.
posted by amaire at 11:07 AM on September 25, 2015
posted by amaire at 11:07 AM on September 25, 2015
I live in a small town and two of my male buddies matched with he same lady. It's been a source of lots of jokes but absolutely none of them directed at or about the lady in question (one or two dates for each... that's it). No one thought less of the gal because, well, the guys were using the app, too.
It's a small world. Don't do anything you'd regret the others knowing about until you get to know each guy a bit and if you click with one, yay. It'll be a funny story some day.
posted by adorap0621 at 11:24 AM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's a small world. Don't do anything you'd regret the others knowing about until you get to know each guy a bit and if you click with one, yay. It'll be a funny story some day.
posted by adorap0621 at 11:24 AM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
(I know, I know, I'm one of those annoying people that thinks other people's problems contain elements of the humorous, but, God help me, I can't resist ...
Isn't this why they invented "Cage Matches"?)
Seriously: I really don't believe in coincidences in social situations. Proceed with caution.
posted by Chitownfats at 1:25 PM on September 25, 2015
Isn't this why they invented "Cage Matches"?)
Seriously: I really don't believe in coincidences in social situations. Proceed with caution.
posted by Chitownfats at 1:25 PM on September 25, 2015
I used to Tinder for a little while, and my friends and I did compare notes. I'm not exactly sure how Coffee Meets Bagel works, but if my friend had gone on a couple dates with a guy who then showed up as a match for one of us, and he was going cold after being hot, or looking like he was ghosting, then we'd try to mess with him a little (not my proudest moment, certainly, but it does happen and could happen in your situation).
posted by Everydayville at 1:57 PM on September 25, 2015
posted by Everydayville at 1:57 PM on September 25, 2015
Unless you have an over-abundance of dates, have coffee with all three. Then, proceed as with any other new dating person, make a call on whether you want any further dates with him. If that means three gets winnowed to two or one, that is how dating works.
In this situation, I imagine getting physical would be limited until you were only dating one and you were really sure he was being authentic. Of course, you may go from three to zero in one step, on the other hand, one of the three may be the jackpot.
posted by GeeEmm at 3:44 PM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
In this situation, I imagine getting physical would be limited until you were only dating one and you were really sure he was being authentic. Of course, you may go from three to zero in one step, on the other hand, one of the three may be the jackpot.
posted by GeeEmm at 3:44 PM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
From personal experience:
Don't do it, even if there's no physical stuff and it's just coffee.
Pick two out of three. Go out with the best one first. If it's a dud, wait a month then go out with bachelor #2.
Never go out with bachelor #3.
TRUST ME. I am probably one of the few people answering who has actually experienced something similar on the female side. It didn't go well, made people think I was stuck up or spoiled (no egregious fault of my own, but any woman with too many suitors invited jealously, from men and women both) made the guys talk about me and come to some sort of "man agreement" which felt really creepy and fucked up, and I was the easy and obvious scapegoat when it came time to choose between "best buddy since college I love you man" and "that random cute chick who fucked up our bro love."
Seriously, don't do it. Not kissing and not going to dinner dates won't help mitigate the damages very much.
posted by quincunx at 11:06 PM on September 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
Don't do it, even if there's no physical stuff and it's just coffee.
Pick two out of three. Go out with the best one first. If it's a dud, wait a month then go out with bachelor #2.
Never go out with bachelor #3.
TRUST ME. I am probably one of the few people answering who has actually experienced something similar on the female side. It didn't go well, made people think I was stuck up or spoiled (no egregious fault of my own, but any woman with too many suitors invited jealously, from men and women both) made the guys talk about me and come to some sort of "man agreement" which felt really creepy and fucked up, and I was the easy and obvious scapegoat when it came time to choose between "best buddy since college I love you man" and "that random cute chick who fucked up our bro love."
Seriously, don't do it. Not kissing and not going to dinner dates won't help mitigate the damages very much.
posted by quincunx at 11:06 PM on September 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
Also, DEFINITELY do not admit ahead of time that you know they know each other! Your innocence of that fact is plausible and a great defense if things go south. And if things go wonderfully, you can let the truth come out later and laugh about it while you reminisce on your 50th anniversary or whatever.
posted by quincunx at 11:13 PM on September 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by quincunx at 11:13 PM on September 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hmmm. I had this happen with two guys, (not app based) and found out they were friends. My MO was to do an old-fashioned high school makeout session with both of them, then choose the one who made me hot. Also decided to make out with X first, because X was more sexually conservative and Y is a big ol' rock and roll slut who would be less likely to hold an experience with X against me.
The problem was neatly solved when Y went on tour for 3 weeks, and I started sleeping with X. I'm still occasionally sleeping with X, and haven't ruled out Y in the future. But we are all older than you and thoroughly jaded.
Coffee (only coffee! not drinks!) with all 3 of them if you LIKE all three of them. Like, really like. Second date only with the winning candidate. And Safety First! But that STILL doesn't guarantee they aren't going to have a creepy competition, even if the initial matching was all accidental. They know how Bagel works, and they know that you know that they're friends.
Good luck!
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 11:23 AM on September 26, 2015
The problem was neatly solved when Y went on tour for 3 weeks, and I started sleeping with X. I'm still occasionally sleeping with X, and haven't ruled out Y in the future. But we are all older than you and thoroughly jaded.
Coffee (only coffee! not drinks!) with all 3 of them if you LIKE all three of them. Like, really like. Second date only with the winning candidate. And Safety First! But that STILL doesn't guarantee they aren't going to have a creepy competition, even if the initial matching was all accidental. They know how Bagel works, and they know that you know that they're friends.
Good luck!
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 11:23 AM on September 26, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Maybe it seemed easy to me because I was the one that she was most interested in until I moved to a different state, but there wasn't any drama or fallout.
(Though when I moved back months later, my friend P, who had moved into first place with the woman in question, immediately proposed to her, just in case.)
posted by weston at 9:46 PM on September 24, 2015 [2 favorites]