Help me bounce back from a (non-violent) mugging
September 23, 2015 5:43 PM Subscribe
I was mugged on my way home 2 nights ago. I wasn't hurt, but presumably that's because the attackers were only interested in my iphone and ipod, which they took. I'm relatively new to my neighborhood and have never been the victim of crime before, despite my 20 years in NYC. Have you? What did you do/not do in order to move past the incident and stay safe?
I have lived in Bed-Stuy in Brooklyn for a year and a half. I'm a 45 year old man. It was about 1:30 am. Foolishly, I was talking on the phone using earbuds. *I KNOW* - DON'T DO THIS. It was clearly a mistake that I won't be making again. That said, I suspect that I'd have been a target even had I not been using my phone.
The block in question - which is just around the corner from my apartment - is a long one and at that hour in this largely residential area it is pretty quiet. To get from the train, I need to walk from one avenue to another - so at some point I need to walk on a longish, quiet block, be it the one from the other night or not. There is a bar at the end of the block I took the other night, so I wonder if my perpetrators were waiting for people who had been drinking.
Also - I work nights, I'm a musician. I don't always stay out THAT late, but I don't get home until midnight or later on many if not most nights (and occasionally every night for long stretches of time.)
Since this happened, I haven't gone out much - the recently concluded Jewish holiday provided me with some cover, although truth be told I'm anxious. I feel vulnerable. I don't know what behaviors I need to change in order to keep myself safe. Do I need to take a cab home no matter what after a certain hour? Prior to this experience I happily visited the aforementioned bar (and a few other neighborhood places) without regard for when I got home, knowing that it was a short stumble away. Do I now conclude that it's safer for me to hang out further away where a cab ride to my door is a viable option? (Seems absurd.)
Is this just the cost of doing business in Bed-Stuy? Did it take you long to process the shock and fear of your mugging before you could go back to your normal routines? What helped move the process along? (Not to overly dramatize my situation... for example, I'm working the next 2 nights, so I will be facing this situation in short order. It's not like I'm paralyzed with fear. But I want to be smart and emotionally responsible, and I could use some help and anecdata.)
Many thanks.
I have lived in Bed-Stuy in Brooklyn for a year and a half. I'm a 45 year old man. It was about 1:30 am. Foolishly, I was talking on the phone using earbuds. *I KNOW* - DON'T DO THIS. It was clearly a mistake that I won't be making again. That said, I suspect that I'd have been a target even had I not been using my phone.
The block in question - which is just around the corner from my apartment - is a long one and at that hour in this largely residential area it is pretty quiet. To get from the train, I need to walk from one avenue to another - so at some point I need to walk on a longish, quiet block, be it the one from the other night or not. There is a bar at the end of the block I took the other night, so I wonder if my perpetrators were waiting for people who had been drinking.
Also - I work nights, I'm a musician. I don't always stay out THAT late, but I don't get home until midnight or later on many if not most nights (and occasionally every night for long stretches of time.)
Since this happened, I haven't gone out much - the recently concluded Jewish holiday provided me with some cover, although truth be told I'm anxious. I feel vulnerable. I don't know what behaviors I need to change in order to keep myself safe. Do I need to take a cab home no matter what after a certain hour? Prior to this experience I happily visited the aforementioned bar (and a few other neighborhood places) without regard for when I got home, knowing that it was a short stumble away. Do I now conclude that it's safer for me to hang out further away where a cab ride to my door is a viable option? (Seems absurd.)
Is this just the cost of doing business in Bed-Stuy? Did it take you long to process the shock and fear of your mugging before you could go back to your normal routines? What helped move the process along? (Not to overly dramatize my situation... for example, I'm working the next 2 nights, so I will be facing this situation in short order. It's not like I'm paralyzed with fear. But I want to be smart and emotionally responsible, and I could use some help and anecdata.)
Many thanks.
What helped move the process along?
For me, it just took time. I was mugged (at gunpoint! shoved into a fence!) not long after I moved to NYC just down the block from my apartment. I could see my bedroom window from where I was. I was scared at first, and then I felt stupid, and then I felt pretty angry, and then I went back to feeling stupid that I had let myself be so vulnerable (it was after dark and I was meandering more than walking).
I soon grew to trust my neighborhood again but I always made a point to walk more quickly and with purpose. That helped. Also, and this sounds silly, but for like a year I carried a heavy umbrella (I'm a lady and on the short side) as a deterrent. I don't think I deterred anyone but the umbrella really made me feel better.
posted by mochapickle at 6:06 PM on September 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
For me, it just took time. I was mugged (at gunpoint! shoved into a fence!) not long after I moved to NYC just down the block from my apartment. I could see my bedroom window from where I was. I was scared at first, and then I felt stupid, and then I felt pretty angry, and then I went back to feeling stupid that I had let myself be so vulnerable (it was after dark and I was meandering more than walking).
I soon grew to trust my neighborhood again but I always made a point to walk more quickly and with purpose. That helped. Also, and this sounds silly, but for like a year I carried a heavy umbrella (I'm a lady and on the short side) as a deterrent. I don't think I deterred anyone but the umbrella really made me feel better.
posted by mochapickle at 6:06 PM on September 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry you got mugged. It's rough and can be destabilizing at best. I want to assure you, though, that you'll get through this.
I've been attacked a few times in 20 years in New York, and each time it was in a place I had been many times before - on my block, or in a familiar subway station. After each event I had a lot of thoughts about how I needed to protect myself from ever being vulnerable in those places again. But I was forgetting that I had been walking through those spots for years before anything bad happened. I had stumbled into my corner deli a a thousand times in all sorts of states before the one day where a stranger decided to start a fight. I had been on that subway platform a hundred times at least before the one night a disturbed woman came after me. You get the point, yeah?
Your mugger last night didn't magically render you or your neighborhood more dangerous. It's a rare thing, being mugged, and you were unlucky. And that's mostly all it was. I'm not saying you shouldn't be street smart and take reasonable precautions with your personal safety. But I think it is safe to live much as you always have, knowing that you didn't invite this mugging. It just happened, just like it didn't happen all those other nights.
All that being said, don't be afraid to talk about it with friends, or with a therapist or victim counselor. The police can be of help in finding those resources, of course.
Take it easy, and be kind to yourself.
posted by minervous at 6:11 PM on September 23, 2015 [9 favorites]
I've been attacked a few times in 20 years in New York, and each time it was in a place I had been many times before - on my block, or in a familiar subway station. After each event I had a lot of thoughts about how I needed to protect myself from ever being vulnerable in those places again. But I was forgetting that I had been walking through those spots for years before anything bad happened. I had stumbled into my corner deli a a thousand times in all sorts of states before the one day where a stranger decided to start a fight. I had been on that subway platform a hundred times at least before the one night a disturbed woman came after me. You get the point, yeah?
Your mugger last night didn't magically render you or your neighborhood more dangerous. It's a rare thing, being mugged, and you were unlucky. And that's mostly all it was. I'm not saying you shouldn't be street smart and take reasonable precautions with your personal safety. But I think it is safe to live much as you always have, knowing that you didn't invite this mugging. It just happened, just like it didn't happen all those other nights.
All that being said, don't be afraid to talk about it with friends, or with a therapist or victim counselor. The police can be of help in finding those resources, of course.
Take it easy, and be kind to yourself.
posted by minervous at 6:11 PM on September 23, 2015 [9 favorites]
When I was mugged (in another city) I was also on my phone. In a way, it's good, because now you have something concrete that know not to do, which should help you feel a little bit safer.
Brains are irrational, so it feels like it's more dangerous now, but you only have one data point. Conversely, you'd probably feel more comfortable again if you made the walk several more times and it *didn't* happen. But personally, I think it's worth checking out a crime map to get a little more information, so you have an informed way to decide if a cab/Uber might make sense at times. When I looked at one old subway stop of mine, I realized that muggings were actually really, really common at certain times of day, and I ended up making the decision not to walk alone in that area.
posted by three_red_balloons at 6:18 PM on September 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Brains are irrational, so it feels like it's more dangerous now, but you only have one data point. Conversely, you'd probably feel more comfortable again if you made the walk several more times and it *didn't* happen. But personally, I think it's worth checking out a crime map to get a little more information, so you have an informed way to decide if a cab/Uber might make sense at times. When I looked at one old subway stop of mine, I realized that muggings were actually really, really common at certain times of day, and I ended up making the decision not to walk alone in that area.
posted by three_red_balloons at 6:18 PM on September 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree about walking quickly and with purpose. I've also started keeping my primary items separate when out late. I'll keep my phone, my keys, and my wallet in separate pockets or a purse, so on the off chance that I do get mugged, I'm probably not losing everything. If my phone gets taken, I can probably still get into my apartment. If my wallet is gone, I'll probably still have my phone, etc.
posted by JannaK at 6:22 PM on September 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by JannaK at 6:22 PM on September 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
My experience isn't relevant to your geographic question, since my mugging took place in a different city, and I'm not sure my anecdotal experience will be helpful, either, but I think it's a bit different from the standard narrative about experiences with violence, in that I actually didn't feel particularly traumatized afterwards. Angry, yes, but it didn't make many any more particularly frightened to be out at night, alone, etc.--coming from the starting point of being a female who never felt particularly worried about those things to begin with (long history of walking home alone at night, living in "mixed income" neighborhoods, nighttime jogging, traveling solo, and so on). Just in case you were worrying that you're somehow "doing trauma wrong" if you're not paralyzed by fear.
posted by drlith at 6:28 PM on September 23, 2015
posted by drlith at 6:28 PM on September 23, 2015
I got mugged in grad school and it sucked. It took me a long time to fully get over it. I did take a self defense class, which helped me feel a little better.
Make sure you memorize a phone number of someone to call - my phone, keys, everything got stolen; I ended up having to get a ride to a friend's place from a jogger who saw from a distance and called the police. And then ring her doorbell like a mad person at 5:30am. (The police wouldn't give me a ride, they said it was too far away.)
My subconscious got kind of racist for awhile, which I loathed. It took a lot of conscious effort to keep that shit under control.
You'll bounce back sooner or later. Mostly, it takes time.
posted by telepanda at 7:31 PM on September 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Make sure you memorize a phone number of someone to call - my phone, keys, everything got stolen; I ended up having to get a ride to a friend's place from a jogger who saw from a distance and called the police. And then ring her doorbell like a mad person at 5:30am. (The police wouldn't give me a ride, they said it was too far away.)
My subconscious got kind of racist for awhile, which I loathed. It took a lot of conscious effort to keep that shit under control.
You'll bounce back sooner or later. Mostly, it takes time.
posted by telepanda at 7:31 PM on September 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
I was mugged at gunpoint when I went to college in NYC. In my experience, absent other underlying issues, you get over it with time. I was skittish walking around for a few weeks, a little on edge for a month or two more, and then got back to normal. And my involvement in the mugging dragged on for quite a bit--the muggers used my MetroCard, so the police actually managed to get together some suspects for me to view in a line-up.* But, again, with time, the emotions and fear fade and it becomes just another memory.
*Unfortunately, I picked out the police sergeant who put a hoodie over his uniform and who stepped into the line-up since they were down a man.†
†I still maintain we can't know for sure he wasn't the mugger!
posted by whitewall at 8:37 PM on September 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
*Unfortunately, I picked out the police sergeant who put a hoodie over his uniform and who stepped into the line-up since they were down a man.†
†I still maintain we can't know for sure he wasn't the mugger!
posted by whitewall at 8:37 PM on September 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
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posted by LobsterMitten at 5:53 PM on September 23, 2015 [5 favorites]