Is it normal for strangers in the USA (SF) to comment on clothes?
September 21, 2015 9:32 AM Subscribe
Just trying to understand my experience last week in SF. I received repeated, unsolicited comments while walking around town, related to my clothing. Is this normal? Is it just people being friendly?
This is the design that received most comments (on green), but this also received a comment (on black).
I'm having a hard time explaining the behaviour other that weird over-familiarity, but one idea I had (which I admit sounds extreme) is that maybe the "not dead yet" on red was somehow taken to be related to the Bloods (as in "you haven't killed me yet").
(It's not just me being over-sensitive - the people I was with also noticed this. It's hard not to when some drunk homeless guy starts shouting at you. And no-one else in the group received comments.)
This is the design that received most comments (on green), but this also received a comment (on black).
I'm having a hard time explaining the behaviour other that weird over-familiarity, but one idea I had (which I admit sounds extreme) is that maybe the "not dead yet" on red was somehow taken to be related to the Bloods (as in "you haven't killed me yet").
(It's not just me being over-sensitive - the people I was with also noticed this. It's hard not to when some drunk homeless guy starts shouting at you. And no-one else in the group received comments.)
Best answer: Yeah, Americans will talk to you. It is A Thing.
Sometimes it's a good thing (compliments on what you're wearing, I get them from strangers all the time).
Sometimes it's neutral (questions about things like your t-shirts that are confusing/interesting and question-prompting).
Sometimes it's actively negative (getting yelled at by the homeless or (women) receiving comments of a sexual nature from men).
There's no social taboo against talking to strangers here. Especially in situations where you're mutually waiting (standing in line, in an elevator, etc), people often fill the blank space with friendly smalltalk blather.
posted by phunniemee at 9:37 AM on September 21, 2015 [16 favorites]
Sometimes it's a good thing (compliments on what you're wearing, I get them from strangers all the time).
Sometimes it's neutral (questions about things like your t-shirts that are confusing/interesting and question-prompting).
Sometimes it's actively negative (getting yelled at by the homeless or (women) receiving comments of a sexual nature from men).
There's no social taboo against talking to strangers here. Especially in situations where you're mutually waiting (standing in line, in an elevator, etc), people often fill the blank space with friendly smalltalk blather.
posted by phunniemee at 9:37 AM on September 21, 2015 [16 favorites]
Response by poster: comments included: "hey like the shirt"; "yeah, not dead yet"; "i see rumours about you have been exaggerated"; "what's the number mean?".
male, white, english, almost 50. shaved head but not intimidating, i think / hope. with jeans or khakis and maybe a cardigan / zipped cotton thing.
(and why me? just because they want to say something, and out of the group my t was the easiest "target"?)
posted by andrewcooke at 9:38 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
male, white, english, almost 50. shaved head but not intimidating, i think / hope. with jeans or khakis and maybe a cardigan / zipped cotton thing.
(and why me? just because they want to say something, and out of the group my t was the easiest "target"?)
posted by andrewcooke at 9:38 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Totally normal, folks just being friendly.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:39 AM on September 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:39 AM on September 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
Best answer: Sounds normal to me. At least 50% of the time when I wear a "funny t-shirt" I get some sort of comment from a cashier or random person in a store. This isn't a new phenomena, either; my dad stopped wearing this t-shirt in the late 1990s because he got so tired of explaining it to random strangers. I think Americans tend to view t-shirts like that as an invitation to talk to you.
posted by gatorae at 9:40 AM on September 21, 2015 [24 favorites]
posted by gatorae at 9:40 AM on September 21, 2015 [24 favorites]
Best answer: Also in regard to your shirts, specifically, people like to feel included on things and be in on the joke/story. Especially the NOT DEAD YET shirt. It looks like it's a political or artistic message of some sort and the people who asked you about it were almost certainly interested in knowing more about the meme.
posted by phunniemee at 9:40 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 9:40 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: (ALSO: to be clear, there is usually no expectation whatsoever that this will be the opening to a conversation. A smile or a laugh is sufficient response to a comment like this from a stranger, otherwise feel free to just keep walking!)
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:41 AM on September 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:41 AM on September 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Sounds pretty normal/friendly to me. You might have one of those faces that invites people to engage with you--sort of the opposite of "bitchy resting face." I look very approachable and people often comment on my clothes or talk to me.
posted by chaiminda at 9:41 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by chaiminda at 9:41 AM on September 21, 2015
Best answer: "i see rumours about you have been exaggerated"
This person is trying to be funny.
I think it was Mark Twain said something like "rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated" after a bunch of obits got published without him, yknow, actually being dead.
posted by phunniemee at 9:42 AM on September 21, 2015 [19 favorites]
This person is trying to be funny.
I think it was Mark Twain said something like "rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated" after a bunch of obits got published without him, yknow, actually being dead.
posted by phunniemee at 9:42 AM on September 21, 2015 [19 favorites]
Best answer: This past Friday, I wore a dress that received four positive comments about it from random, unrelated by space/time people within an hour. By the fourth comment I was looking for the sign on my back that said please compliment this woman's outfit, but it was an unusual dress (purchased abroad and clearly not mass produced) and I suppose the uniqueness more than anything made people take notice.
posted by vegartanipla at 9:44 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by vegartanipla at 9:44 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I'm someone who isn't particularly keen on interactions with strangers, let alone initiating conversations with them, and even I do the "nice shirt!"/nerd bonding thing every once in a while.
posted by zombieflanders at 9:44 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by zombieflanders at 9:44 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Yep, normal, just folks being friendly. I think the "not dead yet" T is very eye-catching.
posted by thetortoise at 9:44 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by thetortoise at 9:44 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: And why you? Because you were wearing some cool t-shirts.
posted by zsazsa at 9:46 AM on September 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by zsazsa at 9:46 AM on September 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
Best answer: you're not being targeted. Americans like to chat with strangers- it varies from city to city, but is a thing. I noticed it more after living abroad where people didn't do this. (I am American)
posted by bearette at 9:49 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by bearette at 9:49 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Yes, normal. Those are cool designs, I am American and probably would have commented on them.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 9:51 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by rabbitrabbit at 9:51 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, if you have an interesting/notable t-shirt on, it's usually seen as an invitation to express interest/note it.
Not dead yet might also be timely, depending on who's doing the commenting. Frank Turner just released an album whose single Get Better has the tagline "not dead yet" that's all over his merch and kids are getting tattoos of it and etc.
Get Better was my kicking-life's-butt anthem this summer when I turned 50. So hey.... cool shirt dude.
posted by headnsouth at 9:52 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Not dead yet might also be timely, depending on who's doing the commenting. Frank Turner just released an album whose single Get Better has the tagline "not dead yet" that's all over his merch and kids are getting tattoos of it and etc.
Get Better was my kicking-life's-butt anthem this summer when I turned 50. So hey.... cool shirt dude.
posted by headnsouth at 9:52 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: huh. well the frank turner thing is a coincidence, but interesting. obviously i will need to make something new for my next trip that plays on this. thanks all.
posted by andrewcooke at 9:58 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by andrewcooke at 9:58 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ha ha, yeah, Americans tend to think of things as 'icebreakers.' Hell, I'm not a fan of the practice of talking to strangers all the time, but even I would assume that someone wearing a shirt with an interesting graphic or text was wearing it to invite comment. That's the main reason, really, that I don't wear shirts like that outside the house. I have some cool ones, but I save them for dicking around the house in.
They're just being friendly and they think you are soliciting interactions.
posted by ernielundquist at 10:00 AM on September 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
They're just being friendly and they think you are soliciting interactions.
posted by ernielundquist at 10:00 AM on September 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Also, in SF anything with the word 'Dead' in it will get a glance from Grateful Dead fans, and even though this is not the meaning of your shirt, it might still spark a comment or conversation just because.
posted by OHenryPacey at 10:05 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by OHenryPacey at 10:05 AM on September 21, 2015
Very normal/friendly. If you have an eye-catching t-shirt that does sort of encourage that (I wore a t-shirt on Saturday that had a particularly witty comment about my home state and at least 3 people commented on it in the space of about 10 minutes).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:06 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:06 AM on September 21, 2015
I agree that the friendly comments were just people being friendly. The drunk homeless people often have severe mental illnesses and the shouting often has little to do with the people at whom they're actually shouting.
posted by jaguar at 10:20 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 10:20 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
> (ALSO: to be clear, there is usually no expectation whatsoever that this will be the opening to a conversation. A smile or a laugh is sufficient response to a comment like this from a stranger, otherwise feel free to just keep walking!)
Strongly seconding this. It isn't exactly an icebreaker, because there is ZERO expectation of a conversation that would require you to slow down, let alone stop walking.
posted by desuetude at 10:35 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Strongly seconding this. It isn't exactly an icebreaker, because there is ZERO expectation of a conversation that would require you to slow down, let alone stop walking.
posted by desuetude at 10:35 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Is this more of an SF thing (or, perhaps, a not-LA thing)? Because I can see that happening if I were in a restaurant and it was the waitress, or if I were checking out in a store line and it was the cashier, but just randomly walking around on the street? I feel like that doesn't happen much in LA.
posted by vignettist at 10:38 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by vignettist at 10:38 AM on September 21, 2015
This is absolute a cultural thing. And, in California and many parts of western US, you'll find this to be even more the case than in more conservative areas/cities in the US. You're not being singled out. When my husband first started visiting California (where I was born and raised) he was astonished by how friendly and chatty everyone was. He had lived all over the US, but had never experienced anything like it. I, on the other hand, barely noticed as I was quite used to it.
posted by quince at 10:42 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by quince at 10:42 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
Also a lot of people will see those t-shirts as a borderline invitation to demonstrate that they're in on the joke/meme/whatever. Probably not everywhere, but in many places.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 10:57 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 10:57 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Is this more of an SF thing (or, perhaps, a not-LA thing)?
SF thing, I think. During a trip there a homeless lady helped us find a well-hidden subway stop, a homeless man yelled to everyone when he thought our child was lost, and a stranger helped me find the soap in a unusually designed public restroom. The weird thing about these interactions is that we had not asked for help, and really would have figured it out on our own in a second (except for the child who was being closely watched and didn't need any help.) It was kind of like they were mind-reading. It seemed like people were really looking out for reasons to interact/help. I've also been asked for directions more often in SF and nearby. A black teenager on the bus guessed my several-generations-back family origin (not just "white"). These things don't happen to me in the midwest.
posted by SandiBeech at 11:04 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
SF thing, I think. During a trip there a homeless lady helped us find a well-hidden subway stop, a homeless man yelled to everyone when he thought our child was lost, and a stranger helped me find the soap in a unusually designed public restroom. The weird thing about these interactions is that we had not asked for help, and really would have figured it out on our own in a second (except for the child who was being closely watched and didn't need any help.) It was kind of like they were mind-reading. It seemed like people were really looking out for reasons to interact/help. I've also been asked for directions more often in SF and nearby. A black teenager on the bus guessed my several-generations-back family origin (not just "white"). These things don't happen to me in the midwest.
posted by SandiBeech at 11:04 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
i have a bevy of clever t-shirts and get comments all the time, so not abnormal. this has happened to me in SF, LA, and NYC - in fact, in NYC, someone liked my shirt so much they asked to take a picture of me and it.
posted by koroshiya at 11:10 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by koroshiya at 11:10 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yup. People only say nice things. There were two kind ladies in an airport restroom I was in that complimented my shoes (they are cute, bright yellow Barbie heels) while I was doing my makeup. That was here on the uptight East Coast.
California is where nice and normal strangers will come up and engage you. My Midwestern born and bred ex even had a hard time coping with a stranger coming up to us to talk about the car as we admired a model car set up in an outdoor mall. My ex was convinced the guy had to be a salesman. I still can't forget the look on my ex's face and his defensive posture. It was like a cat getting a curved back!
Just chillax and have a kombucha.
posted by discopolo at 11:13 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
California is where nice and normal strangers will come up and engage you. My Midwestern born and bred ex even had a hard time coping with a stranger coming up to us to talk about the car as we admired a model car set up in an outdoor mall. My ex was convinced the guy had to be a salesman. I still can't forget the look on my ex's face and his defensive posture. It was like a cat getting a curved back!
Just chillax and have a kombucha.
posted by discopolo at 11:13 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Homeless people everywhere, not just SF, might start yelling at you especially if you stare at them. There's troubling lack of mental health services in this country and even affordable healthcare for homeless folks. When I lived in DC, there were a lot of mentally ill homeless people. My social worker friend said it was because a huge number of them came specifically here thought to get an audience with the president and share their ideas/conspiracy theories.
posted by discopolo at 11:23 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by discopolo at 11:23 AM on September 21, 2015
It's not just California or SF. Here in Ohio I used to wear a t-shirt from the Stratford Ontario Theater Festival that featured a picture of Sharespeare wearing sunglasses. I usually don't get strangers engaging with me but when I would wear that shirt it was extremely common for people to comment on it, to mention something about about plays to me or recount their experience at the Stratford. Like people said above, this is an icebreaker to extend a short polite "attaboy".
posted by mmascolino at 11:23 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by mmascolino at 11:23 AM on September 21, 2015
Not only is this normal, but with "Not Dead Yet" you accidentally poked the talkative group known as "Monty Python fans", who will find ANY excuse to quote movie/show lines in public as a form of collective bonding.
I would see that shirt and think "oh, a Monty Python shirt" to myself, but hardcore fans would assume it was you sending up a flare of fellow MP-nerddom, and they would feel like they were neglecting you if they didn't give you a friendly comment.
(I mean, googling the phrase I can see that it is part of a different movement now, but my first thought was the many hours of my life that have been spent with people saying "A path! A path!" and "Tis but a scratch!" on a seemingly permanent loop.)
posted by a fiendish thingy at 11:37 AM on September 21, 2015 [12 favorites]
I would see that shirt and think "oh, a Monty Python shirt" to myself, but hardcore fans would assume it was you sending up a flare of fellow MP-nerddom, and they would feel like they were neglecting you if they didn't give you a friendly comment.
(I mean, googling the phrase I can see that it is part of a different movement now, but my first thought was the many hours of my life that have been spent with people saying "A path! A path!" and "Tis but a scratch!" on a seemingly permanent loop.)
posted by a fiendish thingy at 11:37 AM on September 21, 2015 [12 favorites]
If you wear a tee shirt that's advertising something or has a slogan like yours, you're actually the one that's initiating the conversation, they're not. If you wear a plain shirt, no matter how loud the color, you will rarely get a comment.
posted by beagle at 11:37 AM on September 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by beagle at 11:37 AM on September 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
Not only is this normal, but with "Not Dead Yet" you accidentally poked the talkative group known as "Monty Python fans", who will find ANY excuse to quote movie/show lines in public as a form of collective bonding.
It seems like there should be a Monty Python sketch about Monty Python fans recounting Monty Python sketches.
posted by larrybob at 11:39 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
It seems like there should be a Monty Python sketch about Monty Python fans recounting Monty Python sketches.
posted by larrybob at 11:39 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm a local and would agree with everyone above that people are associating the "Not Dead Yet" shirt with either the Grateful Dead or Monty Python. Not the Bloods. This doesn't happen to me much and I wear crazy shirts all the time, so I'm also going to assume that maybe there is an eye contact issue. People tend not to make eye contact here, and as soon as someone does it, they've invited the other person to comment. Other places I've spent time in have been radically different in this regard, so maybe San Francisco is abnormal.
posted by knuspermanatee at 11:56 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by knuspermanatee at 11:56 AM on September 21, 2015
If you wear a tee shirt that's advertising something or has a slogan like yours, you're actually the one that's initiating the conversation, they're not.
As a person who moved to the US as an adult, I can tell you that even though I completely disagree with this sentiment, most people in my side of the US seem to feel this way, and I have also seen this behavior with non-slogan clothing or hairstyles in the south. If it is unusual, it's it fair game.
At least in the south, clothing and bumper stickers can be interpreted as a sign that you welcome the opinions of anyone who crosses your path or sees your car. I guess this is why bumper stickers are so popular here, people are really sociable and outspoken.
I have gotten used to it for the most part, but sometimes I revert to not wanting strangers to talk to me, which is why I wear headphones.
posted by Tarumba at 11:57 AM on September 21, 2015
As a person who moved to the US as an adult, I can tell you that even though I completely disagree with this sentiment, most people in my side of the US seem to feel this way, and I have also seen this behavior with non-slogan clothing or hairstyles in the south. If it is unusual, it's it fair game.
At least in the south, clothing and bumper stickers can be interpreted as a sign that you welcome the opinions of anyone who crosses your path or sees your car. I guess this is why bumper stickers are so popular here, people are really sociable and outspoken.
I have gotten used to it for the most part, but sometimes I revert to not wanting strangers to talk to me, which is why I wear headphones.
posted by Tarumba at 11:57 AM on September 21, 2015
As a Californian who has lived in both the Bay Area and LA, this is totally normal. It's a combination of people being friendly, people letting you know they're in on the joke, and people just wanting to express admiration/amusement at your shirt. In LA, this is more likely to happen when you're standing in line or something than while you're walking if only because LA doesn't have as strong a walking culture as the Bay Area. But I've gotten multiple "hey, I like your shirt" comments when wearing a shirt with Captain America's shield on it in LA, and when I was in the Bay Area, I'd get the occasional "cool shirt" comment.
posted by yasaman at 12:17 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by yasaman at 12:17 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I will comment if I see someone wearing something that I think is especially awesome. I tend to do it very much in passing because I am not doing it to start a conversation. I just want to say that I really liked what the person was wearing - awesome socks, a cool shirt, spectacular jewelry, a really fun pair of shoes etc.
So I might have said something about your shirt if I'd seen you.
posted by sciencegeek at 12:46 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
So I might have said something about your shirt if I'd seen you.
posted by sciencegeek at 12:46 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
The first shirt is super easy to explain. You're in a hotbed of nerdiness, wearing a shirt that, intentionally or not, references one of Monty Python's most famous skits. And nerds love to meet other nerds. So you hit the perfect storm of "people in America will compliment a stranger if they like their outfit" and "I am a nerd who sees your tshirt and wants to nerd-bond with you." I'm just surprised no one blurted out other quotes from Holy Grail in response.
posted by MsMolly at 2:51 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 2:51 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I get comments on my appearance pretty much every time I leave the house. They are always nice ("I love your hair!" "That's a great dress!" "Omg your bag!"), and to be fair I do dress in a manner that stands out a bit. I always just say thanks and go on with my life, and that seems to be the expected reaction. Now it's to the point where if I go out and no one makes a comment, I kinda miss it! I'm sure they just wanted to let you know they thought you were cool or interesting!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 4:21 PM on September 21, 2015
posted by masquesoporfavor at 4:21 PM on September 21, 2015
I compliment strangers on their outfits all the time! I am a California native. (Los Angeles, specifically.)
posted by Countess Sandwich at 5:08 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Countess Sandwich at 5:08 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I had two lovely conversations here in Mississippi recently about a "Serenity" t-shirt (from the TV show Firefly) I was wearing. One lady thought it was something religious (I did not disabuse her), and the young man was a nerd like me and we traded quotes. I enjoy these interactions with strangers--I am quite sociable, and I would likely admire your shirts out loud if I were to run into you on the street.
posted by thebrokedown at 8:08 PM on September 21, 2015
posted by thebrokedown at 8:08 PM on September 21, 2015
Oh jeez, yes!
I no longer wear my "Expendable" shirt because so many people (women, to be specific) would see the shirt and offer some words of encouragement like, "Oh, honey, no one is expendable." It always made me feel because they were obviously going out of their way to say something positive :/
I do still wear my "Achiever" hoodie because having people (again, mostly women, lots of nurses for some reason) say, "Good for you!" seems fitting; I just smile and that and does not make me feel bad. In the six or seven years I've had it only two people have indicated they knew the reference.
Then there's a lot of general "Nice/Cool [clothing item]" which I'll also do in passing once in a while. As an Angeleno, I think yasaman summed up the vibe I get.
(FWIW, to me, this is a noticeably different dynamic than being cat called, harassed, or made fun of. I'm okay with this level of interaction, but I know there are people who do not want random compliments, either.)
posted by Room 641-A at 6:56 AM on September 22, 2015
I no longer wear my "Expendable" shirt because so many people (women, to be specific) would see the shirt and offer some words of encouragement like, "Oh, honey, no one is expendable." It always made me feel because they were obviously going out of their way to say something positive :/
I do still wear my "Achiever" hoodie because having people (again, mostly women, lots of nurses for some reason) say, "Good for you!" seems fitting; I just smile and that and does not make me feel bad. In the six or seven years I've had it only two people have indicated they knew the reference.
Then there's a lot of general "Nice/Cool [clothing item]" which I'll also do in passing once in a while. As an Angeleno, I think yasaman summed up the vibe I get.
(FWIW, to me, this is a noticeably different dynamic than being cat called, harassed, or made fun of. I'm okay with this level of interaction, but I know there are people who do not want random compliments, either.)
posted by Room 641-A at 6:56 AM on September 22, 2015
This is so much a part of daily background radiation here (and I live with a partner who wears jokey t-shirts all the time partly because he likes the interactions it generates) that I'm really kind of surprised to hear that it doesn't happen elsewhere.
posted by psoas at 1:56 PM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by psoas at 1:56 PM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by changeling at 9:34 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]