How to practise self-compassion when I'm not assertive?

September 20, 2015 2:12 AM

I want to start practicing more self-compassion when I'm not as assertive as I would like to be, how do I do this?

I would like to become a more assertive person. I would like to ask what I want for more. I would like to say "no," more often, and I'd like spend more time voicing my concerns when things are bothering me.

But this question isn't really about being assertive (there are a lot of resources here on this topic). Sometimes I'm just not assertive. I don't ask for what I want or voice my concerns or say no. Sometimes it's because the situation is one that happens in passing, sometimes it's because the person in question is just an acquaintance, or sometimes it's simply because at the time, I don't feel like I have the emotional capacity to be assertive.

However, when this happens, I become VERY angry with myself, and I spend a lot of time berating myself with thoughts like, "If you can't be assertive in this one instance, you're going to let people treat you like shit for the rest of your life." My thoughts in these instances take on an angry, very self-critical, and mean tone.

These thoughts only escalate my anxiety, which rather than help me become more assertive, only work in escalating my fear around standing up for myself.

I'd like to break this cycle, any suggestions as to where to start? Or if you've experience similar emotions, what's worked for you?

posted by twill to Human Relations (8 answers total)

CBT is very helpful for stopping destructive thought cycles in their tracks. A quick technique that has helped me with a similar problem: think on a meta level about the thoughts you're having. Think about the incident that inspired the thoughts that are spiraling out of control and ask yourself what was your knee jerk emotional reaction. Try and put that in a sentence, like "people are always going to walk all over me." Make a list of the reasons you think that. This might be painful or cathartic or both, but it will at least allow you to think through all the different components of the emotional escalation you're going through. Next, think about why your knee-jerk reaction isn't necessarily totally true. Pretend like you're a defense attorney arguing in favor of the other side of the place you're in emotionally. An example might be to think about how you're aware of the assertiveness issue and working on addressing it and that it's way too soon to decide it's totally impossible. Allow yourself to remember situations where you did stand up for yourself. Counter the negative points one by one if you can with the goal of dismantling the main negative thought. The outcome of this process won't necessarily make you feel completely better but it's almost always enough to move the needle, usually from "paralyzed by anger and negative thought" to "regretful/tense but able to function without dwelling obsessively." This process isn't always easy, especially if it's unfamiliar, so work with a CBT practitioner if possible. Good luck!
posted by zeusianfog at 2:38 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

Thich Nat Hanh's suggestion to put your hand over your heart and say "Darling, I care about your suffering."
posted by mermaidcafe at 5:05 AM on September 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

The things that have worked for me in my life, with regard to feeling bad for trying to "please" people, rather than not being assertive specifically, are the things that have worked well for my mental health in general. Antidepressants, exercise and (most recently) mindfulness meditation. I think that exhibiting better general self-care has been the main thing in helping me address specific social anxiety issues. Making your own calm and wellbeing your priority, on the "secure your own mask first" principle, is good for other people as well as yourself, and might make it easier for you to fulfil some of the emotional needs that a lack of assertiveness can sometimes reflect.
posted by howfar at 5:15 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

Although the concept of an "inner child" sounds kind of woo on the surface, I've actually found it helpful to think back to myself as a kid in incidents like this. Would you yell at a little kid who didn't do something right? No, you'd probably be very compassionate and understanding. So if you can imagine yourself as a child, you can turn some of that compassion inward.
posted by MsMolly at 6:37 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

I was horrible at asserting myself but I've gotten a lot better about it by slowly convincing myself that I'm entitled to take up space.

I'm still not perfect about it, but when I'm not, I see it as picking and choosing my battles. Instead of feeling like you didn't do enough and will never do enough, focus on how you didn't do it this once. At least that's what I find helpful.
posted by KernalM at 6:48 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Try mindfulness.

Kristin Neff's TED Talk helped me a lot with my own quest to be nicer to myself. She also has a great website with exercises.
posted by tuesdayschild at 7:30 AM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]

One thing I've realized in my 30s is that unless I'm ridiculously prepared to assert my own needs in a specific situation, voicing concerns is actually step 2 or 3 in the process of standing up for my own wants and needs. Step one is not saying some variant of "sure, no problem" without even thinking about it. So I'm becoming more aware of when I do that, and trying to hit the problem at a more manageable source: pausing instead of automatically assenting. Restating what someone's just said, and asking if I've got their request correct. Formulating clarifying questions. As long as you don't take it to extremes, all of the above are good communication habits in general, and they buy a bit of time for you to decide whether and how something might impact you, and if it makes sense to push back.

I realize this may sound like strategies to be more assertive, but for me it's been valuable to realize that Being Assertive isn't some trivial task that I suck at sometimes. It's a process that I can work at, and give myself credit when I take smaller steps towards creating space - and time - to consider my own needs. Even if that time is just a couple second pause while I check my calendar to see if I can realistically fit something else into my schedule this week.
posted by deludingmyself at 12:16 PM on September 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I have found that self-compassion and assertiveness go hand in hand.

I used to not love myself very much. My self-esteem wasn't where it needed to be, and all kinds of not great things happened because I didn't value ME enough. I was letting other people's value overshadow my value completely, to my own demise and with my permission. I couldn't assert myself and didn't know how to. I didn't know I had any power.

You ask where to start, you've already started. This question is self-compassion. Self-compassion is validating yourself. Valuing yourself. Self-care. Self-love. Self-respect. Valuing your own thoughts, feelings and opinions. Valuing your time. Actually prioritizing yourself sometimes. NOT shit-talking yourself...but when you do, replacing those words as fast and as hard as you can with something more kind. Over and over and over again until it sinks in.

I am quite assertive now (and I generally get what I want because of it) but I still have my days where I "let people walk all over me", but now I don't personalize it. It's not because I'm weak or I suck. It's because I wasn't in the mood to do battle. That's all. I'll battle them next time, or next month or maybe never. It's no judgment or failure, it's just a choice among many choices in the day. You will win some, you will lose some. Reward yourself either way. Work on your self-esteem, and the assertiveness will come right behind it.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 12:30 PM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]