Healthy Expectations for New Dating Situation?

September 14, 2015 12:42 PM

I am six months out of a 3.5 years serious relationship (and very traumatizing break up). I've been dating a new person for two weeks. The dates themselves are great and he shows many signs of wishing to slowly move forward with me. However, I am very anxious between dates. He doesn't text me much between dates and is self-admittedly not a "planner" (e.g. we will have a date but he doesn't confirm day-of; just texts that he is coming over 30 minutes before the agreed-upon time). I can't tell if the anxiety is from (1) normal new relationship feelings; (2) my gut telling me this guy is not into me enough; or (3) my own desperation to feel like I have the stability and constant contact of a LTR again. What are your stories of the first month or two of your own relationships? I have never dated quite like this (we met online) and I want to be more okay with the "dance" and ensuing miscommunications/awkwardness.

My last LTR was extremely communicative and affirming when it was good. Texting inside jokes and updates throughout the day, skyping, and saying "i love you" frequently. I think i've come to associate this with signs of interest, but from reading other MeFis, I realize that not everyone is like this. I can also live without all the contact, but have recently felt like I would like a greater sense of stability from this new dating situation.

I've seen this new person 6 times over three weekends. We've had two jokesy booty calls and four dinner dates followed by sleepovers.

** a nitty gritty timeline not for the faint of heart **

First weekend: meet for drinks then had sex; he suggested breakfast in the morning. That same night, I booty called him again.
- When he left, he said that he will get in touch about next weekend.

Tuesday after first weekend: I am eager to be in touch and text him with something funny. He asks "how is your week" but doesn't mention the weekend. I decide to straight up say "I want to see you this friday" and suggests an activity. He seems eager.

Thursday after first weekend: he texts in the late afternoon to confirm; I suggest that he pick the restaurant and I get tickets for the activity; again, seems eager to please

Second weekend: the date on Friday goes really well; he pays. When he was leaving Saturday, he asked spontaneously whether I wanted to hang on Sunday. I said maybe, then yes.
- Saturday night: I text something funny, he texts back Sunday morning but does not mention the evening; again, I initiate confirmation about that evening and he volunteers to find the restaurant.
- Sunday night: he calls two hours before the date and says he has to cancel. He asks to reschedule for Monday (Labor Day); seems very contrite. He had a bad conversation with his most recent ex where he realized that she thought they were still on a "break" instead of broken up; felt horrible and stayed in.
- Monday: we meet for dinner; he pays. he also mentions that he has deleted his OKC account because his convo with his ex made him think about how online dating distracts him from focusing on one person. Does not explicitly say it is about me. He asks me what I'm doing the following weekend and says that he will find something for us to do, but does not specify a day.

Tuesday after Second Weekend: My friday and saturday fills up and I agonize over whether to mention it to him. I texted him something funny on Tuesday but again, while his responses were long and eager, he did not mention the weekend.

Thursday after Second Weekend: I break down and text him about how my weekend filled up but Sunday is free. He says that his weekend is still completely open and want to see me when I'm free. We make plans for Sunday.

Friday: I booty call him for two hours in the afternoon. I say that I need scheduled hang-out time because I am a grad student (he works and seems to see weekends as unscheduled play-time). We agree on a time for Sunday to meet.

Sunday: This is our most recent date. I was anxious up until the date itself because he did not text until 30 minutes before the agreed-upon time to ask if it's still on. The date itself was the best and most couple-y yet. I tell him I've disabled my account but go no further. We started touching upon exes and dating histories, but nothing too serious. He holds my hand and puts his arms around me in public, and seems thoroughly attentive and into me. Both conversation and sex getting better.
- I had tickets to something next Sunday and I ask him to go with me; he says yes
- He also mentions that I'm welcome at his apartment any time during the week if I want to. I am pretty sure he is not seeing anyone else nor plans to. He talks openly about an ex he is still friends with and people he is having dinner with this week (all girls, it seems).
- He talks about how he is extremely bad about planning and likes to goes with the flow; how this is the way he goes about life and that he needs someone who pushes him to be more organized. I am obviously a planner.

*****

So the pattern seems to be that:
- I initiate funny texts; he replies enthusiastically but has not really initiated.
- He mentions he wants to hang out but I actually make him confirm and plan; I seem to never be able to wait until he brings it up. He brings things up at the last-minute and causes me anxiety.
- The date themselves are lovely. He always pays; shows me lots of affection in public; holds conversation and does not seem to just want sex. Our conversations are slowly building, but he has not yet done things like texting me something that reminds him of me or something we talked about. I am interested in him and I am a pretty curious person, but I do find that the format of dating a complete stranger creates pretty shallow conversations at first, even from me; not too worried about this.
- I have said that I don't want to do certain sex acts until I feel more emotionally intimate and he was understanding. He has said he will take an STI test.

(1) Is he not into me or just a super-chill dude who is into me? I can work with this incompatibility if I were more secure in his feelings for me. I do see a lot of potential here, but we have not yet cracked that emotional barrier, where we declare our feelings.
(2) Why am I so anxious between dates? I do have a neurotic, slightly controlling personality where I like to plan things and know exactly where things stand. I do not want to have a "Talk" too soon though. It has only been two weeks and I realize that some people want to circle around their dates for longer than that. I also don't want to commit to him right away either. We are definitely sexually compatible and have lots to talk/joke about, but I do not feel comfortable being vulnerable around him yet.

Please tell any stories of your own anxiety in the beginning of dating! I seem to assume that if it's right, there will be no anxiety, there will be instant emotional intimacy, and that the guy will show all the right signs. However, I don't trust myself. I am INFP and tend to over-romanticize/future-think too much. Thank you for reading this far!

posted by minoraltercation to Human Relations (13 answers total)

Lived through this: the shift from a long-term relationship with a communicative, "planner" type to a new relationship with a non-planner, less communicative type is excruciating!

However, that stress is all coming from your own background, and isn't based on what's in front of you: the early stages of what seems like a very healthy relationship.

Soon you'll become used to his communication and will never know how you survived the smothering attention of your ex!

You can't jump straight into the close bond you had for 3+ years, with a new guy, but that's ok. It feels weird until one day, it doesn't.

Good luck!
posted by HoteDoge at 12:58 PM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

I don't think that we will be able to tell you whether he is into you or not. I don't think 1000 different stories about anxiety in the beginning will help you either, because it will only apply those relationships, you know?

I think that the side of the formula that might work for you is managing the anxiety, but in a very simple way. I'm speaking as a person who doesn't really care much about texts or constant phone calls, etc. However, when someone tells me, "I would love to hear from you a few times during the week" or "I love it when I receive funny texts" or whatever (sometimes people will add that they feel a certain way if they don't hear from you - miss you/get worried), then you feel for and understand the person and give it a go. I don't see why hesitate to at least try having this conversation and/or talk to him about the way that he likes or prefers to communicate - there might be something in the middle that he or both of you can do.
posted by Wolfster at 1:10 PM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

I think you are currently overthinking things. It is very common. It is okay. I would suggest the following: When you feel anxious about dating him or his feelings for you or any other issue relating to this love interest, acknowledge the anxiety and doubts strongly, then after about 30 seconds, let those feelings go. They may pop up again quickly, just follow the same procedure.

This is more about you bearing your anxiety about the love interest more than planning moves or trying to read this guy. The key is to avoid trying to figure out the answer so as to get relief from your anxiety because that never works. Instead, I suggest trying to manage your reactions and then letting things happen.

Also you can ask for a little less go with the flow and a little more planning. That's ok.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:23 PM on September 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

I seem to assume that if it's right, there will be no anxiety, there will be instant emotional intimacy, and that the guy will show all the right signs.

This has never been my experience but I too find that this default assumption lives somewhere, zombielike, in my brain. In practice:

-The anxiety factor has 100% to do with where I am in life and 0% to do with the rightness of the relationship. This doesn't mean that anxiety is never a bad signal re: a relationship; it means the call is coming from inside the house. I've had zero-anxiety relationships with dudes who acted horribly, just because I was feeling so secure in myself that I wasn't invested in the outcome. Those weren't "right" even though there was no anxiety. My current relationship is happy and stable, and my partner was like a textbook "good dater" when we started out, but I was an anxious wreck for awhile anyway because I was emotionally in a place where I was investing far too much in the outcome.

-Instant emotional intimacy is usually a red flag in the opposite direction--a pretty clear sign that I've once again found myself in a really unhealthy situation.

From your statement that you've never dated online (or possibly never dated in a "meet stranger, go on dates" way?)--have you mostly dated friends in the past? It's possible that what you're thinking of "instant emotional intimacy" is really "emotional intimacy that developed naturally through a friendship and therefore very quickly solidifies when romance is added." That big reveal of feelings you're missing? It feels like it happens quickly when you date friends because that's basically how the situation moves from friends to lovers, you know?

From what you describe this guy is exhibiting pretty solid "good-dater" behavior, just in a particular style (about which he has been honest). You shouldn't feel shy about expressing your needs --for scheduled hangout time, for checking in at some kind of interval. But I would say 2 weeks is very, very, like super super early to expect big declarations of feelings.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:23 PM on September 14, 2015 [14 favorites]

not a "planner" (e.g. we will have a date but he doesn't confirm day-of; just texts that he is coming over 30 minutes before the agreed-upon time)

I think this actually *is* being a planner. You made a plan, he sticks to it and doesn't see the point of texting to confirm something that had already been agreed upon. Personally I prefer this to people texting me "Still on for dinner tonight?" I mean, of course we are. It's not a big deal to confirm, but I think of a planner as someone who writes a dinner on their schedule and fully plans on attending it without needing to confirm day of or need prompting. The last person I dated never sent "Still on?" messages and also never did anything like cancel last minute, and I really appreciated it.
posted by zutalors! at 1:43 PM on September 14, 2015 [21 favorites]

I do have a neurotic, slightly controlling personality where I like to plan things and know exactly where things stand.

This is so negative! You are a planner. You have a more complicated work/study schedule than a M-F 9-5er. And a more active, event plan-ish social life too. You want control of *your* time, there's nothing in your post that says you want control of *his* time.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to make concrete plans with someone you are dating.

When he left, he said that he will get in touch about next weekend.

Next time say "ok let me know by Tuesday because I will want to plan around [other social life/exams/etc.]."

And then if he doesn't let you know by Tuesday, then he doesn't get to see you that weekend. It's not a game or test or whatever, it's a way of you taking control of your own time/weekend.

People treat us the way we teach them to. Teach this guy what you want him to learn about you.
posted by headnsouth at 1:46 PM on September 14, 2015 [17 favorites]

I had to adjust to dating someone who was pretty brief on communication and shmoopy stuff. You know what? It's much better to want a little more of someone than to want a little less of someone.
posted by ftm at 2:10 PM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

Look, here's the thing.

He's going on all the dates you suggest. He obviously wants to see you. He only canceled on you once, and when he did, he suggested an alternate plan right away and followed through with it.

He's asking you to do stuff with about the same frequency that you're asking him.

He's acting couple-y and mentioning things like deleting online dating accounts.

The main thing he's not doing is texting you throughout the day to just chatter. So... maybe just ask him how he feels about texting/what he thinks it is "for"? Some people dislike it as a medium for "conversation" type interaction. Also, if he has a 9-5 and your schedule is more free-form, he may simply be busy and not have much time for chit-chat during the week. (Do you get replies faster if you text after work?) You could also just tell him that you like being in contact with him even when you're not making specific plans to get together.

Oh, and you're anxious between dates because you're in limerance. I'm in a new relationship myself, and even though I am more confident than I have ever been in my life that this dude is super into me, at least once a day I'm like "OMG WHY DID I SAY THE THING ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER" or whatever and suddenly feel like he's going to ghost on me any second.
posted by Sara C. at 2:35 PM on September 14, 2015 [7 favorites]

I could have written this exact question when I met my boyfriend on okc 2 years ago. If I knew Ask Metafilter existed before he introduced it to me, I would have.
Every detail is the same as my experience so I'll skip explaining it and just make you feel better.

This guy is into you just as much as you're into him. I think you're slowly and healthily beginning a relationship.
My boyfriend went from being a total non-planner to being a really considerate planner because I'm very anal and need to know what's happening and when at all times. He also now texts/emails me all the time.
You guys don't know each other super well yet and the longer you know each other and spend time together, your communication pattern will probably change. And when you're first dating someone, they're probably just as nervous and excited about it as you are. It's entirely possible he doesn't want to seem like he's coming on too strong. If not that, he is just not a bigger communicator.

I'm sorry you had such an awful breakup. I had a traumatic divorce so I know the feeling.
It really sounds like you're taking this at a good pace, and that, despite your insecurities, you're not letting them spill out. I did a good job of that with my current boyfriend. I kept my crazy thoughts to myself until I thought he could handle them.
Things will get easier and more fun as you become more secure with this guy, and I'm so happy that you've found someone to have fun with.
Good luck!
posted by shesbenevolent at 4:55 PM on September 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

It sounds like you have a good thing going on, but that it's early stages and you're still finding a balance with communication and planning. Try not to compare this to your previous long-term relationship, because that was a different person, a different relationship, and you've only known this current guy a few weeks.

I think it's actually a good thing to limit contact between dates. Save some stories and jokes for when you see each other in person! It sounds to me like he's keen to see you, so I wouldn't dwell on lack of communication between dates as lack of interest. If he wasn't interested, he wouldn't follow through on plans to see you.

Have fun!
posted by kinddieserzeit at 5:22 PM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

I met my husband through friends and he was from another country and didn't know English as well as me. He would go days without texts and I "wrote him off" a million times. But I was so in love with him, I was willing to put up with anything. Also, I had nothing else going on.

So, I dealt with a lot of anxiety and misery. I checked my phone a lot. But, I also put a quota on how much I would contact him. I only did one text per text. One email per email. So, if I only got one email from him a day, I'd only send one back. I was sooo desperate not to seem desperate!! I'd sit on those emails for a long time and craft them.

I lost two dress sizes the first month we were dating. And then, as soon as I felt on more comfortable ground, I gained that weight back.

I'm not good with waiting; I want to know everything "Are you my boyfriend now?" right now. But a lot of people aren't like that. They like to wait and see. You might not be his dream girl, but you're also very comfortable and he likes hanging out with you, so hang out with him when he likes.

But, stay true to yourself: if he's just texting you from outside your apartment and only wants sex every other week, move on. You gotta figure out what you're not okay with. If you don't hear from him for more than three or five days at a time, you gotta look at if you're willing to settle for that.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 10:21 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

It looks like there is too much ambiguity in the relationship right now for your comfort level and you would like to know what his intentions are. Basically, you want to know if you are "going steady", and you are trying to infer this information without asking him directly.

I think you feel anxious because you want to be a couple, but you haven't asked him to be your boyfriend and he hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend.

You have two choices: You can continue to feel a lot of anxiety and stress while you try to guess what his intentions are, or you can actually talk to him and ask him what his intentions are. You can also make it clear what your desires are. Do you want to be exclusive? Do you want to continue to date without being An Official Couple? Decide what you want, then have a conversation with him about it like an adult.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:34 AM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

He doesn't sound over his latest ex yet. nothing of what you mention means anything, or follows a definite pattern that says what's going on for sure. People can be very fickle post breakup.
posted by discopolo at 1:31 PM on September 20, 2015