I don't know what or how to teach my 5-year-old about god...
September 14, 2015 11:07 AM Subscribe
My daughter is starting kindergarten at Catholic school. We are atheists (although raised Catholic). She will be learning about god in school, learning prayers, etc. and I basically just realized that I have NO CLUE how to navigate this. Do I let her believe, or do I tell her it's all just pretend? Is there an in between? Please help.
Like a lot of kids in Canada, my daughter is going to Catholic school despite the fact that we are not practicing Catholics. My husband and I don't believe in god. We haven't talked to my daughter about god. And now the time has come. I know she'll adore, really adore the idea of god and I don't want to rob her of that. But I'm not sure whether it's right to lie to her and tell her stuff like "Yes, god lives in heaven and he loves us and wants us to be good". That's certainly on the tip of my tongue, because that's what I was taught as a child. What the hell do we do? I think she's too little to have us throw at her: "Mom and dad don't believe in god, but it's ok if you do." I feel that this will leave her confused and conflicted - torn between her parents and her teacher - and I'm afraid it's too heavy for such a little person to deal with "the world is not a straightforward place and you can't necessarily trust what your beloved grown-ups say". Any ideas or resources you can offer us will be truly helpful.
Like a lot of kids in Canada, my daughter is going to Catholic school despite the fact that we are not practicing Catholics. My husband and I don't believe in god. We haven't talked to my daughter about god. And now the time has come. I know she'll adore, really adore the idea of god and I don't want to rob her of that. But I'm not sure whether it's right to lie to her and tell her stuff like "Yes, god lives in heaven and he loves us and wants us to be good". That's certainly on the tip of my tongue, because that's what I was taught as a child. What the hell do we do? I think she's too little to have us throw at her: "Mom and dad don't believe in god, but it's ok if you do." I feel that this will leave her confused and conflicted - torn between her parents and her teacher - and I'm afraid it's too heavy for such a little person to deal with "the world is not a straightforward place and you can't necessarily trust what your beloved grown-ups say". Any ideas or resources you can offer us will be truly helpful.
We've always told our children that while we don't believe in god, it is their decision whether they want to or not. Children deserve to makes their own choices about religion. Our kids are both atheists, having made up their own minds by the time they were preteens.
posted by Requiax at 11:22 AM on September 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Requiax at 11:22 AM on September 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
Can you clarify why you're sending her to Catholic school instead of public school? What is that you DO want her to get from her exposure to Catholicism?
You could handle it like you handle Santa Claus, if you're ok with Santa Claus. Tell her the story as the story goes and when she is old enough to realize that not everyone believes in God (I would think this would happen before age 10 or so) you can tell her that you are one of the people who doesn't. You could also tell her the story always prefacing it with it being a story. "The bible says that..." "Catholics believe..." again, she eventually will realize this isn't universally believed.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:23 AM on September 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
You could handle it like you handle Santa Claus, if you're ok with Santa Claus. Tell her the story as the story goes and when she is old enough to realize that not everyone believes in God (I would think this would happen before age 10 or so) you can tell her that you are one of the people who doesn't. You could also tell her the story always prefacing it with it being a story. "The bible says that..." "Catholics believe..." again, she eventually will realize this isn't universally believed.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:23 AM on September 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
We have always navigated this as "Well, nobody really knows what happens when you die, so different people believe different things. Over time, depending on what people believed (or hoped) will happen when they die, they created rules about how to live your life. Those sets of rules are called religions, and there are a lot of them."
If she's old enough for school, then she's old enough to know that the world is not a straightforward place. Different people believe different things ... and that's ok.
Children form values because we discuss our values with them. If you were raised Catholic, it should be easy to talk with her about how your family values and the school values are the same (ie: good works, do unto others, etc.). Its also ok to tell her that people who most believe (or like) the same things can also disagree about some of the details, or can disagree about they "why" part of it.
I've always been very straightforward with our son -- "Grandma believes that there is a person or thing that created the whole universe, and that you can talk to that intelligence about what you want. I don't believe that, but I do agree with Grandma that the best way to make the world a better place is to try and be a good person and treat people as you want to be treated."
Trust your kid. You're going to send her off to learn all sorts of new things. Its not a burden for her to know what you believe.
posted by anastasiav at 11:26 AM on September 14, 2015 [48 favorites]
If she's old enough for school, then she's old enough to know that the world is not a straightforward place. Different people believe different things ... and that's ok.
Children form values because we discuss our values with them. If you were raised Catholic, it should be easy to talk with her about how your family values and the school values are the same (ie: good works, do unto others, etc.). Its also ok to tell her that people who most believe (or like) the same things can also disagree about some of the details, or can disagree about they "why" part of it.
I've always been very straightforward with our son -- "Grandma believes that there is a person or thing that created the whole universe, and that you can talk to that intelligence about what you want. I don't believe that, but I do agree with Grandma that the best way to make the world a better place is to try and be a good person and treat people as you want to be treated."
Trust your kid. You're going to send her off to learn all sorts of new things. Its not a burden for her to know what you believe.
posted by anastasiav at 11:26 AM on September 14, 2015 [48 favorites]
I (also in Canada) grew up in a non-believing family and spent my first few years in a Catholic school. I knew it was fake. I was happy to know it was fake.
She is definitely not too young for "Mom and dad don't believe in god, but it's ok if you do." Also not too young to realise the world is not a straightforward place, etc. I am surprised you haven't already had conversations about religion yet?
We discussed it and also read some mythology and I said different people in different times and places had had different ideas about the world, and I did not believe there was a god or gods myself because there was no evidence of such a thing. However, some people are at peace with the idea that there is or might be a god or gods even in the absence of evidence, which is fine.
I know she'll adore, really adore the idea of god
Are you sure? When I was 4 and starting in the Catholic JK I felt sorry for them; I thought it was like grown-ups believing in Santa Claus and the whole thing just looked twee and embarrassing and I felt weird about it. I was, obviously, not the sort of child who bought the Santa idea; your kid may vary, of course.
I still enjoyed the idea of Santa while knowing it wasn't real, though. You won't be robbing her of anything, just giving her the straight goods; she can still groove on the idea. It's not like children need to believe there are blue things in the woods 'three apples high' to enjoy playing with toy Smurfs.
posted by kmennie at 11:27 AM on September 14, 2015 [22 favorites]
She is definitely not too young for "Mom and dad don't believe in god, but it's ok if you do." Also not too young to realise the world is not a straightforward place, etc. I am surprised you haven't already had conversations about religion yet?
We discussed it and also read some mythology and I said different people in different times and places had had different ideas about the world, and I did not believe there was a god or gods myself because there was no evidence of such a thing. However, some people are at peace with the idea that there is or might be a god or gods even in the absence of evidence, which is fine.
I know she'll adore, really adore the idea of god
Are you sure? When I was 4 and starting in the Catholic JK I felt sorry for them; I thought it was like grown-ups believing in Santa Claus and the whole thing just looked twee and embarrassing and I felt weird about it. I was, obviously, not the sort of child who bought the Santa idea; your kid may vary, of course.
I still enjoyed the idea of Santa while knowing it wasn't real, though. You won't be robbing her of anything, just giving her the straight goods; she can still groove on the idea. It's not like children need to believe there are blue things in the woods 'three apples high' to enjoy playing with toy Smurfs.
posted by kmennie at 11:27 AM on September 14, 2015 [22 favorites]
Yeah, it's a pickle, but kids can grasp the "different people believe different things" better than you think. Maybe just for now, focus on the "God loves us and wants us to be good" phraseology as just a way to phrase a belief that "the universe is generally a decent place and it can be even more decent if we're good to each other", which I think is a sentiment everyone can get behind.
Then maybe a little later, get into the finer details of "some people believe some things and others believe other things" bit. I'd avoid setting it up as "it's okay if you believe even if we don't", though, because that sounds kind of like a value judgement (what's "okay" about believing?); maybe more like, "some people believe X, some people believe Y, some people believe Z, some people don't believe anything. But no one knows for sure." You know, make it part of an "everyone's different and that's cool" kind of general lesson.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:27 AM on September 14, 2015
Then maybe a little later, get into the finer details of "some people believe some things and others believe other things" bit. I'd avoid setting it up as "it's okay if you believe even if we don't", though, because that sounds kind of like a value judgement (what's "okay" about believing?); maybe more like, "some people believe X, some people believe Y, some people believe Z, some people don't believe anything. But no one knows for sure." You know, make it part of an "everyone's different and that's cool" kind of general lesson.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:27 AM on September 14, 2015
Response by poster: She's going to Catholic school because it's the closest school. It's just no big deal in these parts to send your kid to one of the plentiful Catholic schools even if you're not a believer. It's just that I don't know any other parents that I can talk to about this, even though there are probably lots of others like me out there.
posted by kitcat at 11:28 AM on September 14, 2015
posted by kitcat at 11:28 AM on September 14, 2015
If it is very common for atheists and other non-catholics to attend this school, then the school might have some advice on how to handle this. I'd suggest talking them and just laying it out.
posted by alms at 11:29 AM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by alms at 11:29 AM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you're culturally Catholic (celebrate Christmas, Easter, other holidays) you probably have a few more years before this comes up. Let her enjoy school and find similarities between herself and her peers instead of starting her off as different from the get-go. Children's beliefs change over time and with maturity; you don't find many adults who believe in Santa or the Easter Bunny. Religion itself is heavy for a five year old, no one really understands the trinity or anything without any guidance anyway, so let her get into the community aspect and let the rest be for now. Soon you'll for sure make friends with other parents and you'll discover that there are lots of cultural Catholics and non-Catholics who send their kids to Catholic school, and you'll all navigate it together.
posted by juniperesque at 11:29 AM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by juniperesque at 11:29 AM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Meh. My child goes to a religious (Presbyterian) school. We're not religious. Bonus points: my husband was brought up Muslim and went to French Catholic school.
For some reason, our child seems to understand stuff about religion from school doesn't really matter outside of school? I'm not sure how to explain this exactly, but it's not a problem. I can't wait (!!) for our child to start asking questions about god.
My plan is to ask questions back and explore critical thinking about these concepts. What else can I do? It's none of my business what anyone else believes about god and religion, as long as they don't use it as an excuse to hurt others or themselves. As a parent, it's your job to teach your children how to think, it is not your job to tell your children what to think.
I know you're not trying to indoctrinate your child!! Just saying you can have loads of interesting discussions without coloring the topics with your own views.
posted by jbenben at 11:29 AM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
For some reason, our child seems to understand stuff about religion from school doesn't really matter outside of school? I'm not sure how to explain this exactly, but it's not a problem. I can't wait (!!) for our child to start asking questions about god.
My plan is to ask questions back and explore critical thinking about these concepts. What else can I do? It's none of my business what anyone else believes about god and religion, as long as they don't use it as an excuse to hurt others or themselves. As a parent, it's your job to teach your children how to think, it is not your job to tell your children what to think.
I know you're not trying to indoctrinate your child!! Just saying you can have loads of interesting discussions without coloring the topics with your own views.
posted by jbenben at 11:29 AM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
We've always told our children that while we don't believe in god, it is their decision whether they want to or not. Children deserve to makes their own choices about religion. Our kids are both atheists, having made up their own minds by the time they were preteens.
My mother said pretty much the same thing from the other side; she's a religious woman but from very early childhood she always told us that it was our choice what to believe, and that we didn't have to take anybody's word for it if we didn't want to. (Mind you, she also instilled in us that when you're among people who believe a certain thing it's only polite to respect them, like you would if you were at somebody's house.) We participated in church, but we knew we didn't HAVE to if we didn't want to (the alternative was staying home with Dad, so we found ourselves wanting to). When I attended baptist parochial school, their beliefs were much more severe than ours (no faux-fanity, no secular holidays, stuff like that), we just learned to keep stuff to ourselves. (It was kind of hard letting people believe we didn't celebrate Halloween, because it was as big as Christmas to us, but we didn't want to upset anybody.)
Personally, I don't think five is too young to discuss these concepts. After all, it's the age at which kids traditionally start going out into the world and encountering people very different from their family.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:31 AM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
My mother said pretty much the same thing from the other side; she's a religious woman but from very early childhood she always told us that it was our choice what to believe, and that we didn't have to take anybody's word for it if we didn't want to. (Mind you, she also instilled in us that when you're among people who believe a certain thing it's only polite to respect them, like you would if you were at somebody's house.) We participated in church, but we knew we didn't HAVE to if we didn't want to (the alternative was staying home with Dad, so we found ourselves wanting to). When I attended baptist parochial school, their beliefs were much more severe than ours (no faux-fanity, no secular holidays, stuff like that), we just learned to keep stuff to ourselves. (It was kind of hard letting people believe we didn't celebrate Halloween, because it was as big as Christmas to us, but we didn't want to upset anybody.)
Personally, I don't think five is too young to discuss these concepts. After all, it's the age at which kids traditionally start going out into the world and encountering people very different from their family.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:31 AM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also a set of atheist/agnostic parents with a child in Catholic school!
My kid is only in 1st grade, but has been going to this school since he was 3. Our school is in a liberal city and at least a third of the school are not parishioners. Religious education is really about being a good human and they have a saint of the month or something, but really focus on good human behavior rather than dogma. This may help in terms of "pressure" from classmates or the teacher. But we basically do what you are thinking about doing:
- Talk about Heaven. "Well, some people believe in Heaven and some don't. Mommy and Daddy don't believe in Heaven... we think that when you die, your body goes into the ground and becomes part of the earth. But you can believe whatever you want."
- Talk about God/Jesus/Santa Claus. "Well, some people believe in X. Mommy and Daddy don't. We think that Jesus was a great person and was really nice to a lot of people, but Mommy and Daddy don't believe that he was God or God's son. But you can think whatever you want."
Every now and then my kid gets frustrated about this, but overall it hasn't been an issue. It really doesn't come up that often. We sort of chuckle when he comes home with a coloring page of Jesus or sings a song about Jesus, but really it isn't that big of a deal.
As kiddo gets older and the religious education gets more serious, this may change. But I'm not really that worried.
Also at school meetings or events, I am polite when there is a prayer said, but I don't cross myself or pray or anything. No one seems to care.
I'm really happy with the education my son is getting. The families at this school seem to be more involved than at public school and there is a lot of generosity. Families in need are helped quickly. If I was more diligent I could get all my kid's school clothes from the "swap."
posted by k8t at 11:32 AM on September 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
My kid is only in 1st grade, but has been going to this school since he was 3. Our school is in a liberal city and at least a third of the school are not parishioners. Religious education is really about being a good human and they have a saint of the month or something, but really focus on good human behavior rather than dogma. This may help in terms of "pressure" from classmates or the teacher. But we basically do what you are thinking about doing:
- Talk about Heaven. "Well, some people believe in Heaven and some don't. Mommy and Daddy don't believe in Heaven... we think that when you die, your body goes into the ground and becomes part of the earth. But you can believe whatever you want."
- Talk about God/Jesus/Santa Claus. "Well, some people believe in X. Mommy and Daddy don't. We think that Jesus was a great person and was really nice to a lot of people, but Mommy and Daddy don't believe that he was God or God's son. But you can think whatever you want."
Every now and then my kid gets frustrated about this, but overall it hasn't been an issue. It really doesn't come up that often. We sort of chuckle when he comes home with a coloring page of Jesus or sings a song about Jesus, but really it isn't that big of a deal.
As kiddo gets older and the religious education gets more serious, this may change. But I'm not really that worried.
Also at school meetings or events, I am polite when there is a prayer said, but I don't cross myself or pray or anything. No one seems to care.
I'm really happy with the education my son is getting. The families at this school seem to be more involved than at public school and there is a lot of generosity. Families in need are helped quickly. If I was more diligent I could get all my kid's school clothes from the "swap."
posted by k8t at 11:32 AM on September 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
As you're in the school longer, you'll find the other non-parishioners. At my kid's school the parishioners know each other better and may have older kids in school together. At my kid's school they are a little clique-y but not exclusionary. Over time it will come out that you're not a parishioner and it'll be okay. "Oh, you didn't go to the Blessing of the Backpacks?" "No, we're not parishioners." And you'll find others in this boat.
I'm friends with a number of moms who are married to former/lapsed Catholics and the grandparents are paying tuition or whatever. They are often in the same boat as me when it comes to the religion stuff and we talk about it.
posted by k8t at 11:36 AM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm friends with a number of moms who are married to former/lapsed Catholics and the grandparents are paying tuition or whatever. They are often in the same boat as me when it comes to the religion stuff and we talk about it.
posted by k8t at 11:36 AM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
There should be a ministry of education document outlining what the religion curriculum is for each grade. You should probably have a look at that. In kindergarten, though, the curriculum is more likely to be woven into all the different day's activities and not so separate. e.g. When I was in JK we sang songs at the beginning of each day, like "He's got the whole world..." (though I never realized that the He in question was God...I thought it was a silly song about a giant holding the whole world and my parents were/are practicing Catholics).
Here's an article from the Star on the Ontario Catholic religion curriculum, but it's not very detailed. The Ministry of education for your province should have something in more detail somewhere.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:38 AM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Here's an article from the Star on the Ontario Catholic religion curriculum, but it's not very detailed. The Ministry of education for your province should have something in more detail somewhere.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:38 AM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yeah, "I don't believe in god but a lot of people do, you get to choose as well, and you can change your mind too." In my house it wasn't much different than "I like mushrooms but Joe doesn't, you get to choose, and your preferences may change when you're older."
My kids are adults now and one is atheist and the other is buddhist of the no-deity zen persuasion.
posted by headnsouth at 11:42 AM on September 14, 2015
My kids are adults now and one is atheist and the other is buddhist of the no-deity zen persuasion.
posted by headnsouth at 11:42 AM on September 14, 2015
I am Catholic, and taught for a while at a small Catholic school that had lots of non-Catholic students. Religion class tended to be more universal concepts of ethics and spirituality, rather than Catholic dogma.
I think you need to approach this issue on a case-by-case response to individual lessons. I think there may be lots of things discussed in their "religion" class that you would support. You need to follow the curriculum as the course this year, and future years, progress.
I think any attempt to resolve this issue in a single canned speech does a grave injustice to the subject and to your child's intellectual growth. This is a conversation that will take years. No single statement by you now is going to sway things either way.
posted by Flood at 11:52 AM on September 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think you need to approach this issue on a case-by-case response to individual lessons. I think there may be lots of things discussed in their "religion" class that you would support. You need to follow the curriculum as the course this year, and future years, progress.
I think any attempt to resolve this issue in a single canned speech does a grave injustice to the subject and to your child's intellectual growth. This is a conversation that will take years. No single statement by you now is going to sway things either way.
posted by Flood at 11:52 AM on September 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm another atheist that went to Catholic school for academic reasons. My parents encouraged me to take the optional catechism class up until the Catholic kids started prepping for first communion. This gave me a better understanding about what was going on at the masses we were occasionally required to attend. It also helped me when I was invited to vacation bible school by friends. It's good to know what other people believe.
If she's the least bit curious, take her to several different Christian churches so she gets the core ideas. Once she get the creation and heaven and Jesus, that's when you introduce mythology like the Greek and Roman gods. Context about the idea of supreme beings and magical realms is invaluable.
posted by irisclara at 11:58 AM on September 14, 2015
If she's the least bit curious, take her to several different Christian churches so she gets the core ideas. Once she get the creation and heaven and Jesus, that's when you introduce mythology like the Greek and Roman gods. Context about the idea of supreme beings and magical realms is invaluable.
posted by irisclara at 11:58 AM on September 14, 2015
Oh, and Catholic does not equal parishoner (lots of believing Catholics never go to church), and parishoner doesn't equal parishoner of the parish affiliated with the school (lots of people go to non-local churches either because they want to hear mass in Portuguese, or they grew up in another parish, or they have a beef with the local priest or whatever), and parishoner of parish affiliated with the school doesn't mean have-ever-laid-eyes-on-each-other (Lots of people treat mass as something from which they intend to be home in 45 minutes and never interact with anyone there).
I've been all three of those as a Catholic school student (didn't go to church, went to a different church, went to church and never talked to anyone) and I never felt like there was some sort of community that I wasn't a part of, so I wouldn't worry about that or about trying to make an alternative community of non-Catholics for your daughter.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 12:02 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've been all three of those as a Catholic school student (didn't go to church, went to a different church, went to church and never talked to anyone) and I never felt like there was some sort of community that I wasn't a part of, so I wouldn't worry about that or about trying to make an alternative community of non-Catholics for your daughter.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 12:02 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
One approach is to establish some basic concepts and make it clear that it is OK to talk about this stuff, and then just not worry about it and let the child's own curiosity or lack thereof drive things. So yeah, start with anastasiav's words or something similar, then deal with the questions as (or if) they come along.
posted by Wretch729 at 12:19 PM on September 14, 2015
posted by Wretch729 at 12:19 PM on September 14, 2015
It depends a bit on how you want to approach those conversations. Do you think that belief is harmful? Do you mind listening to a seven year old earnestly talk about how amazing Jesus is?
We're pretty strongly to the "live and let live" camp and have a pretty UU approach to it. With all kinds of beliefs (Santa, ghosts, superheroes), we ask him what he believes, and then I'll ask my husband what he believes about X, or vice versa. Even on topics that my husband and I are pretty well united on, we kind of fake some minor differences to demonstrate that we can all believe different things, discuss it, and love each other. The only downside is that sometimes he gets really interested in the fact that everyone thinks something different, and then I'm texting 10 people asking them what they think happens when we die, filtered to a kindergarten level.
posted by tchemgrrl at 12:23 PM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
We're pretty strongly to the "live and let live" camp and have a pretty UU approach to it. With all kinds of beliefs (Santa, ghosts, superheroes), we ask him what he believes, and then I'll ask my husband what he believes about X, or vice versa. Even on topics that my husband and I are pretty well united on, we kind of fake some minor differences to demonstrate that we can all believe different things, discuss it, and love each other. The only downside is that sometimes he gets really interested in the fact that everyone thinks something different, and then I'm texting 10 people asking them what they think happens when we die, filtered to a kindergarten level.
posted by tchemgrrl at 12:23 PM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
In my limited experience with religion, it seems that there is always pressure--to pray, to sing, to profess your commitment to whatever, to accept whoever into your heart.
I think it's important to inoculate your daughter against this. Maybe by telling her that she doesn't have to do anything she feels uncomfortable with, and that she should ask you about anything that troubles her. Resisting Big Religion can be very daunting!
posted by H21 at 12:30 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think it's important to inoculate your daughter against this. Maybe by telling her that she doesn't have to do anything she feels uncomfortable with, and that she should ask you about anything that troubles her. Resisting Big Religion can be very daunting!
posted by H21 at 12:30 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ha! My child is four and we pulled her from the last kindrgarten (at two and a half years) when she came home singing "hallelujah". The kindergarten had picture books called "My First Mass". They sang songs in the morning circle about "*child's name* is here, *other child's name* is here, Jesus is here, too!" I just couldn't stomach it.
In my country, too, sending a kid to the closest Catholic school is normal. She will be attending a Catholic school when she is six.
I've prepared as an atheist by embracing it, by buying a child's bible with illustrations and reading her the exciting stories like Adam and Eve, Noah's Ark.
Then we talk about how this is the story Christians tell about how the world came to be.
Then I began reading her stories from Africa, Native American stories, Chinese stories - and we'd talk about how they thought about the world.
I thought about it and figured, it's not that I don't want her to know about Catholic beliefs. It is the chief religion of her country and provides a rich cultural backdrop. Its influence is everywhere. I want her to grasp the nuances of how Catholicism shaped our people.
But I also want her to understand that the story Catholics tell is just one of many many stories. I want her to understand what myths are. And I want her to Begin to get a feel for the many different cultures in our world.
My job, as I see it, is not to shield her from religion but to provide the context for her.
That's my answer.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:32 PM on September 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
In my country, too, sending a kid to the closest Catholic school is normal. She will be attending a Catholic school when she is six.
I've prepared as an atheist by embracing it, by buying a child's bible with illustrations and reading her the exciting stories like Adam and Eve, Noah's Ark.
Then we talk about how this is the story Christians tell about how the world came to be.
Then I began reading her stories from Africa, Native American stories, Chinese stories - and we'd talk about how they thought about the world.
I thought about it and figured, it's not that I don't want her to know about Catholic beliefs. It is the chief religion of her country and provides a rich cultural backdrop. Its influence is everywhere. I want her to grasp the nuances of how Catholicism shaped our people.
But I also want her to understand that the story Catholics tell is just one of many many stories. I want her to understand what myths are. And I want her to Begin to get a feel for the many different cultures in our world.
My job, as I see it, is not to shield her from religion but to provide the context for her.
That's my answer.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:32 PM on September 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
I went to a Catholic school for a while (not from a Catholic family, it was the best available school) and I'm glad I did: I met great kids from all over, was encouraged to focus on study rather than sports, and learned Latin (yes, this was a while ago). I wouldn't sweat it; it's just part of learning the world is a messy and interesting place, which is what she's going to spend the next X years doing anyway. Believe it or not, it doesn't matter that much what you say, as long as it's not something extreme (which from your question obviously it won't be); if she's getting a good education from good teachers and likes her classmates, that's what matters.
posted by languagehat at 12:48 PM on September 14, 2015
posted by languagehat at 12:48 PM on September 14, 2015
Canadian culturally Catholic with a grade one kid here as well.
You've gotten some good advice above but I'll add my 2 cents to the discussion. Having gone to Catholic school & knowing some Catholic parents a bigger issue, for me at least, was not the concepts of God, Jesus, heaven & sacraments. The issues were more the use of guilt as a means of coercion / punishment, the lack of respect for alternate religious, gender & cultural views and the unwillingness to at least talk about the Church's sordid history. This is why I personally avoided Catholic school for my son but I'm willing to concede that this is an over reaction on my part and my baggage with the Church.
However, despite that I think I can add something germane to your situation. The public school we send the dauphin to is easily one of the most ethnically diverse schools in the city. Many different religions, income brackets, cultures - you name it. So one of things we've focused on and try to emphasize is the respect for other people's beliefs. As an example - my son, in the deductive way that he seems to approach most of his perplexing problems, figured there was no Santa Claus when he was about 4. He explained his rationale to us and his logic was sound so we accepted it. However, fearing that he'd run and tell his classmates there's no Santa, we spent a lot of time talking about how other people will sometimes believe things that we don't agree with, share or understand and we did some problem solving if he found himself in a difficult spot. So far that's done him well. Kids don't need to understand the theological arguments but teaching them respect for themselves and others goes a long way I think.
posted by Ashwagandha at 12:52 PM on September 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
You've gotten some good advice above but I'll add my 2 cents to the discussion. Having gone to Catholic school & knowing some Catholic parents a bigger issue, for me at least, was not the concepts of God, Jesus, heaven & sacraments. The issues were more the use of guilt as a means of coercion / punishment, the lack of respect for alternate religious, gender & cultural views and the unwillingness to at least talk about the Church's sordid history. This is why I personally avoided Catholic school for my son but I'm willing to concede that this is an over reaction on my part and my baggage with the Church.
However, despite that I think I can add something germane to your situation. The public school we send the dauphin to is easily one of the most ethnically diverse schools in the city. Many different religions, income brackets, cultures - you name it. So one of things we've focused on and try to emphasize is the respect for other people's beliefs. As an example - my son, in the deductive way that he seems to approach most of his perplexing problems, figured there was no Santa Claus when he was about 4. He explained his rationale to us and his logic was sound so we accepted it. However, fearing that he'd run and tell his classmates there's no Santa, we spent a lot of time talking about how other people will sometimes believe things that we don't agree with, share or understand and we did some problem solving if he found himself in a difficult spot. So far that's done him well. Kids don't need to understand the theological arguments but teaching them respect for themselves and others goes a long way I think.
posted by Ashwagandha at 12:52 PM on September 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Lots of smart people (scientists, even!) are Christian or Catholic: where certainty ends, mystery begins. You are allowed to choose what fills the space of the unknown, and for a lot of people it's God. *shrug*
My wife & I are Catholics and are raising our kids that way. They are smart kids, and I won't insult them. I have been told something along the lines of "This is all made up," so I asked what the child knew about space, and we talked about what's past the edges of it, and what might have come before or after, and they realized they weren't sure. I told them about some of the theories and certainties, and then told them to think about what they think came before the big bang.
If they put the Catholic god in that space, then dandy; if they turn out to be UU or militant atheist or Ba'hai or any of a spectrum of other faiths, then I will badly miss our shared rituals but I won't shun them or anything. Look, I love the bible as a beautiful text; I value the culture that's grown around it in 2,000 years; and my religion has given me a center that I didn't appreciate as a young kid or as a teen. But I can't force that on someone.
She's five, so you can tell her that different people believe different things, but they really can't prove them as such. So Catholicism is one set of beliefs, and it has some nice things about it (e.g., "Love your neighbor as yourself," the Sistine chapel, illuminated manuscripts, etc.), and that some people care so much that they want to teach regular school PLUS those beliefs.
But be ready for her to ask you what you believe!
posted by wenestvedt at 1:01 PM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
My wife & I are Catholics and are raising our kids that way. They are smart kids, and I won't insult them. I have been told something along the lines of "This is all made up," so I asked what the child knew about space, and we talked about what's past the edges of it, and what might have come before or after, and they realized they weren't sure. I told them about some of the theories and certainties, and then told them to think about what they think came before the big bang.
If they put the Catholic god in that space, then dandy; if they turn out to be UU or militant atheist or Ba'hai or any of a spectrum of other faiths, then I will badly miss our shared rituals but I won't shun them or anything. Look, I love the bible as a beautiful text; I value the culture that's grown around it in 2,000 years; and my religion has given me a center that I didn't appreciate as a young kid or as a teen. But I can't force that on someone.
She's five, so you can tell her that different people believe different things, but they really can't prove them as such. So Catholicism is one set of beliefs, and it has some nice things about it (e.g., "Love your neighbor as yourself," the Sistine chapel, illuminated manuscripts, etc.), and that some people care so much that they want to teach regular school PLUS those beliefs.
But be ready for her to ask you what you believe!
posted by wenestvedt at 1:01 PM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
(Also, I got a really good education at Catholic schools, including comparitive religion starting very young. As a result, I know a lot more about my own faith and many others than most people I know as adults. So a parochial school might not be a bad thing, WRT inclusivity & diversity!)
posted by wenestvedt at 1:03 PM on September 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by wenestvedt at 1:03 PM on September 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
To this day I have no idea what my parents actually believe. They took us to Sunday school and my little brother attends Catholic school (neither of his parents are Catholic). When I asked questions about religion my parents usually referred me to a book or my Sunday school teacher (my bet is they refer little brother to his teachers). I remember my parents taking me to the library to check out books about Bible stories and stuff, and I remember reading and liking them, but I don't remember my parents making any claims as to their veracity one way or another.
My dad, in particular, always felt strongly that religion was a private thing, and that you didn't ask other people about their religious beliefs. Kind of weird, maybe, but I guess we all stuck to it. He never told us what he believed, but we always knew that we were allowed to believe whatever we wanted.
I'm religious-ish as an adult (am a member of a church, attend occasionally to regularly depending on outside factors). I don't really know what my adult siblings believe - one never, ever goes to church, two baptized their kids, but in terms of actual beliefs? My parents left us to figure that stuff out on our own, with the help of books and adults who cared about religion, and we are all fine.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 1:04 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
My dad, in particular, always felt strongly that religion was a private thing, and that you didn't ask other people about their religious beliefs. Kind of weird, maybe, but I guess we all stuck to it. He never told us what he believed, but we always knew that we were allowed to believe whatever we wanted.
I'm religious-ish as an adult (am a member of a church, attend occasionally to regularly depending on outside factors). I don't really know what my adult siblings believe - one never, ever goes to church, two baptized their kids, but in terms of actual beliefs? My parents left us to figure that stuff out on our own, with the help of books and adults who cared about religion, and we are all fine.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 1:04 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
kitcat: ""Mom and dad don't believe in god, but it's ok if you do." I feel that this will leave her confused and conflicted - torn between her parents and her teacher - and I'm afraid it's too heavy for such a little person to deal with "the world is not a straightforward place and you can't necessarily trust what your beloved grown-ups say"."
But you're not telling her she can't trust what her grown-ups say; you're telling her there are things that even grown-ups don't know, and that they believe different things about those unknowable things. (And trust me -- she already knows the world is not a straightforward place. The world is hella confusing and complicated and arbitrary for children. This is why they're willing to believe fat men slide down chimneys because SURE WHY NOT adults walk around handing over green pieces of paper in exchange for food and toys NOTHING MAKES SENSE.)
Another option is that you can hedge a little bit (especially b/c you were raised Catholic) by saying, "Some people think God is a person; other people think God is an idea. Mom and dad think God is a beautiful idea that inspires people to be kind and love one another and create wonderful stories and beautiful art, but we don't believe God is a person. We agree with Sister Mary Margaret that you must be kind and love one another and take care of the poor and give thanks for your blessings. We just have slightly different ideas about the "God" behind all that, and that's okay -- we can be in a community and love each other and take care of each other without all having to believe exactly the same thing."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:06 PM on September 14, 2015 [12 favorites]
But you're not telling her she can't trust what her grown-ups say; you're telling her there are things that even grown-ups don't know, and that they believe different things about those unknowable things. (And trust me -- she already knows the world is not a straightforward place. The world is hella confusing and complicated and arbitrary for children. This is why they're willing to believe fat men slide down chimneys because SURE WHY NOT adults walk around handing over green pieces of paper in exchange for food and toys NOTHING MAKES SENSE.)
Another option is that you can hedge a little bit (especially b/c you were raised Catholic) by saying, "Some people think God is a person; other people think God is an idea. Mom and dad think God is a beautiful idea that inspires people to be kind and love one another and create wonderful stories and beautiful art, but we don't believe God is a person. We agree with Sister Mary Margaret that you must be kind and love one another and take care of the poor and give thanks for your blessings. We just have slightly different ideas about the "God" behind all that, and that's okay -- we can be in a community and love each other and take care of each other without all having to believe exactly the same thing."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:06 PM on September 14, 2015 [12 favorites]
Did this! I was the only non-Catholic child in my blue-collar Catholic grade school during the late 70s/early 80s. I went there for 8 years. My parents are atheists.
I have very little memory of them preparing me for anything. I went to Mass in the basement of the school for the first time when I was six, and was utterly confused, but like most kids, just rolled along with it (my biggest question at the time was why the priest and the big statue at the front of the room were dressed alike). I think that's OK for many kids--you're probably the best one to estimate what yours is up to.
You may need to think ahead to second or third grade when the others are doing the religious education in preparation for first communion/penance; that's where it starts to feel exclusionary when you don't get to wear the pretty dress along with the rest of the girls and afterwards when you have to sit down when everyone else goes to communion during weekday masses. Talk to the school about how they'll handle that. In my case, I just did the RE with everyone else because they didn't know what to do with me otherwise, but they were stellar about making sure I was especially invited to the fancy mass in the church for First Communion--I sat in a reserved pew and got a corsage. I don't think my mother was involved in planning this at all--she seemed as surprised as I was--but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be.
Otherwise, it's OK if she picks up religious trappings from the school as long as she hears plenty about your values at home. That's basically what happened to me, and although I embraced Catholicism for a while during grade school, it didn't stick. (My more cynical side says it didn't hurt that for awhile I conflated Catholicism with junior high, and mistakenly blamed the Catholicism for the assholery that is common to junior-high kids, which turned me pretty solidly against it for a while!) Still, though, it's good for your kids to know Catholic people who are actually good and kind and intelligent (many of my teachers were, as were many of the faculty at the little Midwestern Catholic college where my mother taught for many years). Those may end up coloring your child's view of religion positively in the end.
posted by dlugoczaj at 1:07 PM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have very little memory of them preparing me for anything. I went to Mass in the basement of the school for the first time when I was six, and was utterly confused, but like most kids, just rolled along with it (my biggest question at the time was why the priest and the big statue at the front of the room were dressed alike). I think that's OK for many kids--you're probably the best one to estimate what yours is up to.
You may need to think ahead to second or third grade when the others are doing the religious education in preparation for first communion/penance; that's where it starts to feel exclusionary when you don't get to wear the pretty dress along with the rest of the girls and afterwards when you have to sit down when everyone else goes to communion during weekday masses. Talk to the school about how they'll handle that. In my case, I just did the RE with everyone else because they didn't know what to do with me otherwise, but they were stellar about making sure I was especially invited to the fancy mass in the church for First Communion--I sat in a reserved pew and got a corsage. I don't think my mother was involved in planning this at all--she seemed as surprised as I was--but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be.
Otherwise, it's OK if she picks up religious trappings from the school as long as she hears plenty about your values at home. That's basically what happened to me, and although I embraced Catholicism for a while during grade school, it didn't stick. (My more cynical side says it didn't hurt that for awhile I conflated Catholicism with junior high, and mistakenly blamed the Catholicism for the assholery that is common to junior-high kids, which turned me pretty solidly against it for a while!) Still, though, it's good for your kids to know Catholic people who are actually good and kind and intelligent (many of my teachers were, as were many of the faculty at the little Midwestern Catholic college where my mother taught for many years). Those may end up coloring your child's view of religion positively in the end.
posted by dlugoczaj at 1:07 PM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
dlugoczaj: ...I went to Mass in the basement of the school for the first time when I was six, and was utterly confused, but like most kids, just rolled along with it…
Amplifying that point, even if you & she decide for her to not be a Catholic -- or anything else -- it's good for her to know how to behave in a place of worship.
This is less important since there are fewer such rules than their used to be (e.g., women are no longer required to cover their head in a church), but consider that the more places your child knows how to navigate, the less often they need be anxious about committing a gaffe (or, indeed, can avoid genuinely upsetting a host).
posted by wenestvedt at 1:29 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Amplifying that point, even if you & she decide for her to not be a Catholic -- or anything else -- it's good for her to know how to behave in a place of worship.
This is less important since there are fewer such rules than their used to be (e.g., women are no longer required to cover their head in a church), but consider that the more places your child knows how to navigate, the less often they need be anxious about committing a gaffe (or, indeed, can avoid genuinely upsetting a host).
posted by wenestvedt at 1:29 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'd ask the folks who run the school! If the school is run by intelligent educators, I doubt you will be the first parent to ask them what they suggest.
posted by kinetic at 2:04 PM on September 14, 2015
posted by kinetic at 2:04 PM on September 14, 2015
I remember the religious stuff being just another weird thing that happened at school. Lining up to go into class was weird. Wearing your shoes indoors was weird. Packed lunches were weird. Separate toilets for boys and girls was weird. Being made to sing hymns and hearing about Jesus was just another weird school thing. It wasn't particularly confusing - there a lot of new stuff when you start school and religion probably isn't the weirdest thing. I could easily distinguish between "stuff we do at school" and "stuff we do at home".
posted by tinkletown at 2:09 PM on September 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by tinkletown at 2:09 PM on September 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
I attended and later worked at catholic schools in Ontario, plus all three of my children go/have gone to catholic school. Plus I am atheist. The religion part is really a small part (when I worked there I was an atheist and at least three quarters of the staff were atheist/agnostic/didn't care). None of my kids care about god or have even asked about my opinion of god.
I consider things like memorizing prayers to be in line with memorizing poems; and the early exposure to mild religion to be inoculation against fanaticism of all types. I guess a lot comes down to the individual teacher but religion has never been too prominent in my experience. It was actually very useful to have the grounding in bible stories when later studying western literature and history, as well as some great debates in the older grades (thanks Jesuit-taught teachers!). In my area, the catholic school is much more diverse than the public school (lots of interfaith attendees as well as reflecting the catholicism of Catholicism) but YMMV.
posted by saucysault at 2:14 PM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
I consider things like memorizing prayers to be in line with memorizing poems; and the early exposure to mild religion to be inoculation against fanaticism of all types. I guess a lot comes down to the individual teacher but religion has never been too prominent in my experience. It was actually very useful to have the grounding in bible stories when later studying western literature and history, as well as some great debates in the older grades (thanks Jesuit-taught teachers!). In my area, the catholic school is much more diverse than the public school (lots of interfaith attendees as well as reflecting the catholicism of Catholicism) but YMMV.
posted by saucysault at 2:14 PM on September 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Someone upthread said their mom approaches this form the opposite side of the equation. I do too.
I talk about God with my kids almost every day. They know that I believe in God and that Mom does too (as well as the grandparents). But I make sure to tell them that many other people don't believe in God. I don't want them to grow up thinking everyone is Christian, then being confused when they meet people who don't share the same beliefs.
I tell them "Only you can choose what you believe. I believe in God and Jesus, but you'll have to decide for yourself if you believe in them."
It hasn't every caused a problem.
posted by tacodave at 2:40 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I talk about God with my kids almost every day. They know that I believe in God and that Mom does too (as well as the grandparents). But I make sure to tell them that many other people don't believe in God. I don't want them to grow up thinking everyone is Christian, then being confused when they meet people who don't share the same beliefs.
I tell them "Only you can choose what you believe. I believe in God and Jesus, but you'll have to decide for yourself if you believe in them."
It hasn't every caused a problem.
posted by tacodave at 2:40 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Non-Catholic who went to a Canadian Catholic school - I did not appreciate being told in Grade 2 that God would know whether I'd studied or not, and that I should pray to do well on tests (was not concerned but found the suggestion spooky; hopefully your daughter won't encounter that). My Grade 1 teacher decided I was not only "called" but that I ought to be a missionary, and gave me propaganda about Marguerite Bourgeoys. Later, in "religious studies" or whatever it was called, my questions about the seeming impossibility of the Trinity and "why death & war & sick babies if he loves us so much" etc weren't taken well. I didn't know what to do when people took the Eucharist during services; sometimes I sat out, sometimes I took it and felt embarrassed. Also, I had to confess to the priest (in the library btw, with people reading things about 5 feet away) even when I didn't participate in the service.
I don't know if Catholic schools operate from as faith-centred a place these days, but if they do, tell your daughter that her teachers and classmates take that stuff seriously and advise her on how to behave when services etc. are happening. Talk to her about big questions when they come up.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:07 PM on September 14, 2015
I don't know if Catholic schools operate from as faith-centred a place these days, but if they do, tell your daughter that her teachers and classmates take that stuff seriously and advise her on how to behave when services etc. are happening. Talk to her about big questions when they come up.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:07 PM on September 14, 2015
Full disclosure: atheist non-parent.
My sole concern with many of the (well-intentioned and otherwise excellent) answers so far is that they tend to present belief as a binary choice between atheism/agnosticism and Catholicism. I doubt that anyone would prepare a five-year old for participation in civic life by saying "You can vote Conservative or Liberal, and we will love you either way." Those choices don't even make sense at five. I'd suggest religious choices don't either. So instead, phrase it in ways that (hopefully) make sense to her:
"Do you know who want to marry when you grow up?"
(Hopefully) "No, of course not!"
"But you do know that if you do marry it will be someone you meet and grow to care about a whole lot, right?"
"Right!"
"That's one of the reasons we talk to lots of people, to find out who we like. Make sense?"
"Yeah!"
"Your religious classes are the same way: they're telling you about one person they'd like you to meet. We'll try to make sure that you listen to lots of other people and their different gods, so you can make up your own mind when you're grown up who you want to worship... or if you want to worship any of them at all."
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 6:06 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
My sole concern with many of the (well-intentioned and otherwise excellent) answers so far is that they tend to present belief as a binary choice between atheism/agnosticism and Catholicism. I doubt that anyone would prepare a five-year old for participation in civic life by saying "You can vote Conservative or Liberal, and we will love you either way." Those choices don't even make sense at five. I'd suggest religious choices don't either. So instead, phrase it in ways that (hopefully) make sense to her:
"Do you know who want to marry when you grow up?"
(Hopefully) "No, of course not!"
"But you do know that if you do marry it will be someone you meet and grow to care about a whole lot, right?"
"Right!"
"That's one of the reasons we talk to lots of people, to find out who we like. Make sense?"
"Yeah!"
"Your religious classes are the same way: they're telling you about one person they'd like you to meet. We'll try to make sure that you listen to lots of other people and their different gods, so you can make up your own mind when you're grown up who you want to worship... or if you want to worship any of them at all."
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 6:06 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
You're waaaay overthinking this.
I sent my now 9-year-old to Lutheran preschool and watched in horror when he started singing religious songs.
That disappeared the second he started at a public school. Today, he laughs at religion and walks around singing TMBG. "Science is real..."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:04 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I sent my now 9-year-old to Lutheran preschool and watched in horror when he started singing religious songs.
That disappeared the second he started at a public school. Today, he laughs at religion and walks around singing TMBG. "Science is real..."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:04 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I remember spending a bit of time as a 5 year old worrying that my parents were going to be in hell, since some well meaning adults had told me and a bunch of other kids that people that don't believe in Jesus wound up there. In my 5 year old mind, I thought my parents didn't know about Jesus (lol), and therefore (according to what those people had told me) mommy and daddy would wind up in hell, burning and burning forever and ever. Kind of a heavy thing to lay on a 5 year old, and in retrospect it probably would have been better if my parents had prepared me a little bit for people telling me stuff like that. Decades later, I found out that my parents a) had decided to let my brother and I "figure out things for ourselves" when it came to religion, and b) had no idea that other adults would be going around telling 5 year olds that hell awaits non-believers. FWIW, as we grew up, my brother and I wound up both arriving at the conclusion that faith is complete crap.
posted by smcameron at 9:18 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by smcameron at 9:18 PM on September 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Single parent and atheist here, so YMMV.
I regret having sent my daughter to Catholic school. This may be more common in the US, but it wasn't the larger questions of god, the afterlife, or exposure to religion I found problematic - it was the conservative (and frankly, judgemental) nature of the school culture.
I chose the parochial school because it was better rated than the public schools in our area. Ultimately, I don't think that made up for the disconnect between the values held at home vs. what was taught at school.
I hope your experience is a better one!
posted by Space Kitty at 10:56 PM on September 14, 2015
I regret having sent my daughter to Catholic school. This may be more common in the US, but it wasn't the larger questions of god, the afterlife, or exposure to religion I found problematic - it was the conservative (and frankly, judgemental) nature of the school culture.
I chose the parochial school because it was better rated than the public schools in our area. Ultimately, I don't think that made up for the disconnect between the values held at home vs. what was taught at school.
I hope your experience is a better one!
posted by Space Kitty at 10:56 PM on September 14, 2015
Whatever you decide to do, please do do something. I was sent to a Church of England school and received no guidance or parenting about the messages I was getting, and as a "good" child I absorbed it all concientiously along with the maths and geography. This resulted in years of anxiety and even nightmares about death, eternity, heaven and hell. My dad said "we knew you were bright enough to see through it eventually" but I suffered a lot on the way. Just as you would give your child guidelines and a firm foundation regarding bullying, sharing etc., religion is something where perspective and parenting are vital. Please at least monitor how she is reacting to what she is hearing and be prepared to step in where necessary.
posted by runincircles at 1:21 AM on September 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by runincircles at 1:21 AM on September 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
The book "Parenting Beyond Belief" is tremendously helpful for thinking through these issues.
posted by hush at 4:27 AM on September 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by hush at 4:27 AM on September 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
Late to this party, but I have been in a similar situation with two daughters ((Protestant) religious school chosen because of academic virtues and identity things)
First daughter had a religious period in life and I didn't interfere but listened and supported her choices. It went over.
Second daughter embarrassed us by very loudly commenting at the first day of school: "MUM, THAT GUY WITH THE GUITAR BELIEVES IN AN INVISIBLE DAD IN THE SKY!! IS HE CRAZY?!?!?" Again, I didn't interfere, but it was the beginning of the end of our relationship with the school.
Ironically, the same second daughter chose to go to (Jesuit) Catholic school from 7th grade, and is very happy there. But still a hard-core atheist.
To be honest, I find that religious schools have a lot to offer, if they are open to other beliefs. They acknowledge that humans are not purely rational, and discuss spiritual issues with young people who think a lot about this. In my daughter's class, there are Catholics, Atheists, Protestants and Muslims, and the school is extremely respectful when it comes to our (the families') beliefs and non-beliefs.
posted by mumimor at 11:00 AM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
First daughter had a religious period in life and I didn't interfere but listened and supported her choices. It went over.
Second daughter embarrassed us by very loudly commenting at the first day of school: "MUM, THAT GUY WITH THE GUITAR BELIEVES IN AN INVISIBLE DAD IN THE SKY!! IS HE CRAZY?!?!?" Again, I didn't interfere, but it was the beginning of the end of our relationship with the school.
Ironically, the same second daughter chose to go to (Jesuit) Catholic school from 7th grade, and is very happy there. But still a hard-core atheist.
To be honest, I find that religious schools have a lot to offer, if they are open to other beliefs. They acknowledge that humans are not purely rational, and discuss spiritual issues with young people who think a lot about this. In my daughter's class, there are Catholics, Atheists, Protestants and Muslims, and the school is extremely respectful when it comes to our (the families') beliefs and non-beliefs.
posted by mumimor at 11:00 AM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
Forgot: the Catholic school is less missionary than both the Lutheran school she started at and the public school she attended in between. She loves the church activities and the retreat (mentioned in another thread), but it does not in any way change her beliefs.
posted by mumimor at 11:10 AM on September 15, 2015
posted by mumimor at 11:10 AM on September 15, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Please don't tell her things that you personally don't believe. I spent the first 18-20 years of my life undoing the religious indoctrination that I received as a kid. It was confusing and distressing.
posted by wintersweet at 11:10 AM on September 14, 2015 [5 favorites]