40 years old and have no friends. Where do I start?

September 6, 2015 1:16 PM

How does a guy in their late 30s/early 40s make friends when they are horribly depressed and agoraphobic? See the more inside section for horrible details.

Recently divorced male in central ma.

Previous relationship was very controlling

I am receiving counseling and psych medicinal treatment for OCD, Depression, Anxiety.

Have very little positive going in my life right now.

Severely depressed, mildly agoraphobic.

I can't be friends with people at work due to position.

I am not religious and have no idea how to meet people.

I live over an hour from my family and they are one of my depression triggers.

I am living in a one bedroom, and have an on/off girlfriend who is going through something similar and may not work out.

The only thing I do is read at home and play Diablo 3.

I keep a journal, but there's not much in it.

I have little interests, very little money.

I checked out the site called Meetups.com, and there doesn't seem to be anything for me.... nothing that I can get out of my own skin to go to.

I cry a lot.

What do I do? Help me unfuck-up my life and find some friends. I'm crying right now.

posted by Draccy to Grab Bag (26 answers total)

Best answer: Do you enjoy pub trivia or quizzes? They're generally free to play and there are a few people at the one we play at who started out playing alone and gradually formed teams. The only cost to be there would be if you felt like ordering a beer. I play on weeknights so I generally have a beer and then switch to water. It wouldn't be too expensive and it's easy to start up conversations with others about the questions they ask, so it's sort of a built-in conversation starter.

Does your local public library have any book discussion groups? Those are free and you don't always have to talk, so it can be good practice being around people.

Hang in there, man. I have agoraphobia too and it's well-treated and under control now, but it does take a bit of time to come out from.
posted by notjustthefish at 1:24 PM on September 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

Try volunteering. Maybe help at a food bank or Habitat for Humanity. Try to find something where you will see some of the same people regularly. You can look at volunteermatch.org for some options.
posted by maurreen at 1:55 PM on September 6, 2015 [13 favorites]

Is there a walking or hiking group in your area? Check meetups (again). Walking would give you some regular exercise and you might meet someone interesting. Make a habit of looking at community bulletin boards when you find them - there is usually one at the coffee shop and library. You might find something that appeals to you. If there is a board game group those are excellent for meeting people.

It's hard to get started, but you need to get out of your house on a regular basis.
posted by 26.2 at 2:03 PM on September 6, 2015 [6 favorites]

What interests do you have? Could you find a group that does things you like? I don't know if there are video gaming groups (I'm terrible at video games...no talent for them), but maybe there is something like that?

I do theater because I love it, but I also do theater because it brings me close to a wonderful group of people and it gives me a reason to get out of the house. So if you have an interest in anything, I'd find a group or a class that does that sort of thing and try going to it for a couple of weeks.
posted by xingcat at 2:07 PM on September 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. It's really hard to feel isolated and alone - I've definitely been there.

Suggestions:

* Be nice to yourself. I think you probably have had some friends in the history of your life and therefore you do know how to make them, you've just forgotten that part of yourself right now. It's still there. You'll be okay.

* I get that you might not be able to be friends with people at work, but you can probably have friendly interactions with them. It helps.

* Pick one thing with weekly meetings and just go. Accept that you may have to keep going regularly for a few weeks before you start to build connections. That's okay.

* I think it's better if you try a few and then pick the one where you feel most comfortable. Volunteer, look for free / inexpensive classes, join a choir. You say you aren't religious and that's cool, but don't discount local churches as venues for free classes and volunteer opportunities.

* If you can't think what to do and you can sing at all, join a choir. Seriously. Do it.

* Sometimes when I feel crappy I google "beginner's yoga", pick one of the resulting videos, and do just a little bit. It often helps shift my mood.

* Of course: exercise, get plenty of sleep, eat a veggie now and then and drink water.
posted by bunderful at 2:21 PM on September 6, 2015 [5 favorites]

May I suggest some form of group therapy or support group? Friendship flows from putting yourself out there, which flows from trust that you can handle other people and the world, which flows from life experiences and narratives we craft to explain our lives. Unfortunately many of us have been kicked around by the world and carry narratives that tell us it is not safe out there and we should not even try, and it is so so hard to fight against that. In my experience, group therapy has power to re-write narratives like nothing else. For example, it is impossible to hold a narrative of 'I am fundamentally un-lovable' while you sit in a room full of people telling you they care about you. If you can change these narratives and beliefs about yourself, everything else will become easier.
posted by PercussivePaul at 2:33 PM on September 6, 2015 [8 favorites]

This was my brother a few years ago. Things are much better now, and they can be for you too. Some things that helped him:

- He met a girlfriend through Meetups.com.
- He started rock climbing (bouldering, actually) and met many people through that.
- Took classes (cooking classes, fitness classes, running groups, etc.)
- Generally said yes to more things.

Good luck!
posted by backwards guitar at 2:34 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

Contra dancing or other social dancing might be a good option for you. There is lots of contra in central/western MA (I've included a few links below) and contradancers are incredibly friendly, welcoming people. You don't need to know how to dance or be physically coordinated at all--dances are intentionally structured to be friendly to brand new folks.

Dances in Greenfield

Amherst dance

Another Amherst dance

Montague dance

Worcester dance

Lenox dance
posted by JuliaJellicoe at 2:40 PM on September 6, 2015

•The only thing I do is read at home and play Diablo 3.

Try finding some kind of gaming forum or multi-player online game to begin getting some kind of social interaction. Shoot for increasing your social exposure modestly and gradually. If you are really lonely, you can give off a desperate vibe and also just want a lot from each social interaction, which can drive people away. It can help to shoot for "I just want to hang with people and interact at a low level." That keeps the stakes lower, makes you feel less awful if it doesn't go well, starts to reduce the desperate vibe and can start a nice upward spiral.
posted by Michele in California at 2:51 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

maurreen's idea is s great one: volunteering.

1. You're pretty much guaranteed a welcome because no organization has enough volunteers.

2. I think you'll feel better just by helping others. It's therapeutic in its own right.

3. The people you meet will have at least one similar interest to your own.
posted by univac at 2:58 PM on September 6, 2015 [5 favorites]

Central MA is kind of a cultural wasteland IMO. Try going either east to Boston (by which I mean Allston/Cambridge) or west to Amherst/Northampton- even if it's just to hang out in a coffee shop or get a beer. If driving into Boston makes you nervous (and it should) try parking at Alewife and taking the Red line in.
posted by genmonster at 3:14 PM on September 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I thought about learning an instrument. Something like a ukelele, which is upbeat, cheap to buy and I've heard moderately easy to use. Then I could find a group of people to play with. Crazy?
posted by Draccy at 3:16 PM on September 6, 2015 [15 favorites]

The ukulele sounds perfect. I have a friend who is very introverted and he started teaching himself to play, then took some lessons, then joined a meets-every-few-weeks group and finds it just enough interaction. He practices all the time now and seems to love it. (He lives in Eastern Mass, but there's probably similar groups near you!)
posted by clone boulevard at 3:20 PM on September 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

I see a couple practical problems for you:

1. You aren't giving yourself any opportunities to socialize in a relaxed setting based on your choices about how you spend your time
2. You live in an area that maybe doesn't have a lot of people in a similar place in life to socialize with in the first place
3. You aren't in the best place personally to identify and follow through on said opportunities

Strategically, it makes most sense to address #3 with a therapist or counselor, because that's a sticky problem that will take some work. The other two bits I think have some practical solutions.

You might consider moving to an area with more of a cosmopolitan feel. If you live in an area that's mostly families and couples, there aren't going to be as many opportunities to find people who are also looking to meet new people. Any large enough city is going to have a smattering of different types of people of all ages, some of whom will be just like you, looking for new connections.

As far as your daily habits, nobody is going to make you do something other than the solitary hobbies you do at home. You have to engineer that into your life. A solid strategy for you might be picking a random thing and just doing it, ideally something with a set schedule, like a class that meets twice a week.

It will take you at least a couple years, realistically, to mourn the loss of a long-term relationship. You can think of this as a sort of "recovery period" before you'll really be ready to move on. Pick something – ideally a few things – that will require time measured in years. I went through a similar crisis recently. I decided to take up a rather demanding athletic activity, to push myself to publish some of my writing projects, and to change directions in my career. It's been about a year now and I've made some progress in areas of life I care about AND I now have a fun new hobby that I have been able to use to meet new friends.

You'll be okay. You're in the heat of it now but you won't always be. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
posted by deathpanels at 3:39 PM on September 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

I thought about learning an instrument. Something like a ukelele, which is upbeat, cheap to buy and I've heard moderately easy to use. Then I could find a group of people to play with. Crazy?

Not crazy at all! (Unless you mean crazy awesome, in which case yes, crazy). This FPP has some nice resources and inspiration - don't forget to read the comments as well.

Here are a couple of buying guides.
posted by bunderful at 3:56 PM on September 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

OKCupid.

Seriously, you are what my older brother was a few years ago. He is now crazy happy with a girlfriend who supports him, and he supports her (she has similar issues), and he's been able to get out of his shell and perform in a band, etc.

All the other advice is good too, but OKCupid is friendly for folks who have mental issues (not sure if that's the best term) and hooking them up together.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 3:57 PM on September 6, 2015

Yes, ukulele - perfect! But sign up for lessons, or for a beginners group to join right away.
Also, it may not feel like it, but being social in a small group WILL help meet some of your social needs, even if you don't have a close friend.

Find group activities if possible.
Go to a boardgame meetup, and play a less-than-hour long game. Something like 'Betrayal at House on the Hill', which is only an hour, and decent for a newbie.

Go visit the venue first, if that would help your agoraphobia. They are usually in quiet rooms of pubs or cafes etc.
posted by Elysum at 4:06 PM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

A bit of a weird one maybe, but I really empathize with your situation and would recommend this based on what I've gone through myself:

1. Go take the Human Metrics Jung Typology Test and get your four-letter code.
2. Head over to the Reddit subreddit for your personality type, like reddit.com/r/intj or whatever.
3. Search the subreddit for terms like "depression" and "make friends" and see what similar minds are doing / have done
4. Post your concerns there to the subreddit as well (using whatever etiquette they request).
5. Outside of Reddit, you might just google "how [your four-letter code] can make friends"
5a. Also google "[your four-letter code] in the grip" to see if your current life matches up with your personality type's predicted behavior under extreme stress.
6. Outside of Google and Reddit, head over to the Personality Page website and look up the "Personal Growth" page for your four-letter code. Give yourself some time to absorb the info there.

This took a few years of study to really kick in, but when it did I was off and running. I lost 55 pounds and changed my BMI from obese down to just a little overweight (still losing weight), found really helpful tools to manage depression and anxiety, and learned how to make my relationships stronger. For relationships that caused me pain, I learned how to understand the relationships, study them out, then turn around and improve them bit by bit. I'm actually actively talking to a sister who I almost gave up on, which has been pretty huge.

Best of luck to you.
posted by circular at 4:13 PM on September 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

All good suggestions for the most part...

Get out there and do real things. I have always been of the opinion that deeper and/or emotional relationships often a result from two or more people experiencing something very intense with each other. The older you get the less risks and new experiences (new is intense) that you have. However, you can still have them. Sharing these experience can range anywhere from dealing with a bad boss for a long time to crazy project deadlines to organizing an event (happy or sad) to being around when someone needs you, either for a sad part in their life or as a partner in a backgammon tournament.

In summation, put yourself out there. Use the golden rule. Act as if. The only hurdles you may need to overcome are recognizing an opportunity and finding your way to ask for the proverbial digits (contact info). Then just follow up. If folks find that weird, and they should not, I say F*$% 'em.

Good luck. You seem like a thoughtful and introspective person. Huge positive qualities in my book.
posted by demonstartivepapadonous at 6:33 PM on September 6, 2015

My heart goes out to you. This is such a hard place to be in. Are you an animal person at all? It's not for everyone, but I've seen such an incredible buoying of a family member's spirits since she got her little shih tzu. She knows half the neighborhood now just from taking him on his walks every day! Dogs especially can draw you into new social situations (training classes, dog park, random omg-your-dog-is-so-cute strangers, etc.) -- though of course you'd need to want a dog for its own sake above all that. If you're up for the commitment, having a loveable little face of any kind to come home to can make dealing with the rest a tiny bit easier.
posted by shepard at 6:33 PM on September 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

I've ranted about this elsewhere on AskMe, but I'll repeat it. Friendships come from shared experiences with your peers, especially formative or otherwise trying experiences. For a lot of people, this is school (grammar school or college, graduate programs, etc.). The formula also works for military service, training for a sport, working on a project at your job, playing a role-playing game, etc. I'd be willing to bet that if you interview a random person on the street, 95% of their friends and likely their romantic partner are people who they first developed a relationship with through one of these bonding experiences.

You can definitely make these bonding experiences happen, but as we get older, our culture no longer gives us built-in bonding experiences like college or a first job to give us those experiences. You can be bummed about that or you can suck it up and start making life decisions to engineer them yourself.

I'd also like to point out that if you don't change your behaviors, you can't expect to get different outcomes. Change your habits and you will change yourself.
posted by deathpanels at 6:58 PM on September 6, 2015 [6 favorites]

Given that you're severely depressed, I don't think that making friends is going to be the easiest place to start. I'd start by trying to regularly spend time around people and then start making acquaintances (people to whom you can say "hey, nice to see you again. how was your week? oh mine, pretty good. [one good thing that happened]"). Best option, in my opinion: the gym, maybe even one with classes where you can become a regular, as you can get friendly acquaintances plus endorphins. The Y has sliding-scale income options. It might sound expensive, but if you go every day, it's only $1-2/day, so it's a lot of bang for your buck. (And if you're really money-conscious, you can even do all your showering there, reducing your water bill.) Other options in this category are to take your book to a cafe, or go to dog parks. You want somewhere where other people go regularly, so you see the same people over time.

People recommend this a lot, but you might also try starting a gratitude journal, or at least adding to your journal a section where you commend your own progress and note good things that happened. It's easy to get so focused on the barriers and what you haven't finished, and it helps a lot to say, "yeah, but you DID do this, this, and this, and that's real progress."
posted by salvia at 7:03 PM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

Lots of really good advice above. The thing I wanted to say is that even for people who don't start out suffering from agoraphobia, not going out (for whatever reason) can very easily lead to more not going out - not hard to just get used to a smaller and smaller world - unless you make an effort to break out of the rut. Find a reason to leave the apartment every day. Schedule commitments, for sure. And even when you don't have something set up, go for a walk or a coffee. Just being in a new setting can help break up ruminative thoughts and make room for new ones.

Also wanted to 2nd physical activity, to help you develop a base of energy for the other changes you want to make. It makes such a difference for me in terms of feeling grounded and managing mood - no matter how I feel starting out, I know I'm going to come out of it feeling better, it just shakes out whatever rotten feelings were there. I like walking and swimming, because they're soothing (trees, water) and rhythmic (which helps with deeper and more regular breathing, which is great if you suck at meditation, like I do, but want a similar calming effect) and free or low-cost, usually.

You should totally learn the ukelele and join a group! (Everyone I've met who plays the ukelele is super nice.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:24 PM on September 6, 2015

Do you like boardgames? See if there's a boardgame club/gathering near you!
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:25 PM on September 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

Don't undervalue the benefits of online friendships. This is a community and you're talking to us and we're talking back. Are you in any other online communities? Opening up to people online can be a great first step. You might even want to search for forums for people with depression and anxiety -- they function as support groups.

As for "real life" (whatever that is), can you find any depression or anxiety (or even post-divorce) support groups in your community? Since you're in therapy, you might want to ask your therapist for a recommendation for a support group or group therapy.

It just might be too hard right now to "get out there" and pretend that you're "fine" so you can "make friends." You need to find people who can tolerate you in your current state. That'll help *you* tolerate you in your current state.

It's great that you can go to work and make a living. After that, your time is your own and you don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. Presumably, IN time you're going to feel better (with the treatment you're receiving).
posted by DMelanogaster at 1:04 PM on September 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

Are you ALSO being 10000% honest about the state of your mental health with your psychiatrist and psychologist? Has anyone brought up the idea of changing your medication or dose? Because sometimes that's a tiny kick that jumpstarts a bunch of other changes.
posted by barnone at 3:21 PM on September 7, 2015 [1 favorite]