Unemployed/transition phase - how to handle future dating issues?

August 29, 2015 8:26 PM

How should I let someone know whom I'm potentially dating that I'm unemployed and going through a transition phase in life? Should I even be dating? Any advice.

I just finished graduate school this May, and was studying for my licensing exams while working part time this summer. After having one of the most stressful/intense summers of my life - I decided after I passed my licensing exams ---to quit my part time job. Too much stress and I hated my part time job which would have transitioned into a full time position. It was a difficult and tortuous decision decision which I spent many nights stressed out, worrying about. After quitting and passing my licensing exams, about a couple of weeks ago - I decided to just go out and live life a little. I ended up inadvertently meeting a guy at a bar. We ended up talking and just chuckling a lot, and felt a lot of chemistry between us. However, he abruptly left and I never expected to hear from him again. Several days later he contacted me asking me out. A bit surprised, but still interested - I said yes.

Should I tell him I'm unemployed in terms of scheduling? How do I handle the fact that I'm in a transition phase? I wasn't expecting any of this. Just wanted to get out of my box and do something else, I wasn't really expecting to meet anyone. It seems difficult to not say I'm in a weird transition state, unemployed looking for jobs but it's also not necessary to tell him everything. Plus, I don't know if this could even go any where. Any advice on what to say would be appreciated.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

If he asks where you work or what you do, give him an answer like this:

"I just finished my licensing exams for XYZ profession, and I'm taking a bit of time off before I get a full time job in my field."

It makes it clear you have a plan, and that you're genuinely in the middle of transitioning, not just lazy and unemployed. It'll almost inevitably come up, so no point in flat out avoiding the issue, but you don't have to be the one to raise it.

Either he'll accept that answer or he won't. Either way, you were honest, and then you found out whether he was the kind of guy who could accept your life choices. If he isn't, you haven't lost anything by telling him -- you've gained back all the time you might otherwise have wasted with him.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:33 PM on August 29, 2015 [19 favorites]

Eh, you finished school and looking for work if he asks. No biggie. The part time job is now just a blip.
posted by asockpuppet at 8:33 PM on August 29, 2015 [6 favorites]

If you don't want to mention the unemployed thing as part of pre-date scheduling, you can just throw out a handful of times that would work for you for a date. I'm not suggesting that you avoid telling him that you are unemployed - as others have said, that's not a big deal. But I think it's better to make a suggestion than to just say you're totally free/available whenever.
posted by needs more cowbell at 10:10 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'll go against the grain here, and suggest that you should be completely straightforward with your new friend. Tell him, frankly, what your current employment situation is, while adding details about how you've prepped for future employment. If you're looking for a guy that will be a true partner, and not just a hookup.
posted by jcruz at 12:44 AM on August 30, 2015

Should I tell him I'm unemployed in terms of scheduling?

No, you should tell him you're unemployed simply because you should want to share information about your lives.

Or, if you want to be cagey, not reveal much about yourself, and not get to know him very well, don't tell him. But don't expect him to be any more forthright with you about himself.

The scheduling is not an issue at all — that'll work itself out. Focus on being open and honest for the sake of being open and honest.
posted by John Cohen at 12:53 AM on August 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

I was going to say, 'eh, you finished school in May, it's normal to take a while to find a job' but you literally just finished your exams two weeks ago. Nobody is going to judge you for not having a job right now. You don't even have to phrase it as 'I'm unemployed' -- you just got your professional license! You have so many possibilities right in front of you!
posted by littlegreen at 1:37 AM on August 30, 2015 [17 favorites]

Do you want him to date you, or do you want him to date someone you're pretending to be?

It seems difficult to not say I'm in a weird transition state...

Yeah, I think describing it as a 'transition phase' misses the mark because it dismisses what you're going through right now as unimportant, when in fact it is really quite significant. Maybe instead say something like "Well, after I passed my licensing exams a few weeks ago, I took a chance and quit the crappy part-time job I had over the summer. The jury's still out on whether that was a smart move, but I'm forging ahead!
posted by jon1270 at 3:57 AM on August 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

Don't make it a big deal, but do let it come up in the first date if you're interested in a second. If for no other (practical) reason than most guys tend to expect that after the first date the checks are going to be split or alternated, and if you're broke(ish) that can enable an alternative (cheap dates, he picks up all checks, whatever works for you).
posted by MattD at 5:26 AM on August 30, 2015

I am sure "what do you do for a living?" will come up in conversation fairly soon, at which point you can tell him what you told us here. I can't imagine that someone would run away because of this, to me it is more of a point of interest than a terrible confession.
posted by intensitymultiply at 6:24 AM on August 30, 2015

No, you should tell him you're unemployed simply because you should want to share information about your lives.

I lean in favor of this. Being honest up-front will weed-out the morons who have an issue with your present situation.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:29 AM on August 30, 2015

Don't be too concrete here. "Unemployed", in the sense that it ever might be a red flag for dating, has nothing to do with your current situation. The red flag would be a disinterested long term failure to engage in life.*

This has nothing to do with your circumstances except that you're using the same word.

*not at all to say that long term unemployment necessarily results from a disengagement in life
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 8:09 AM on August 30, 2015

I think jacquilynne's answer is perfect, but I want to stress that the whole "going through a transition phase in life... Should I even be dating?" thing is over the top. I understand it's been a stressful summer, but you shouldn't be treating it as some sort of ongoing catastrophe that might keep you from living a normal life. Of course you should be dating, if you've found someone you want to date! You should be living as full a life as you can and enjoying life as much as you can; the stress of the part-time job will pass away quicker than you think, and "I'm looking for a job" is so common these days as to barely be remarkable. I'm not saying you should ignore your trauma, obviously—just stand back from it a bit and remind yourself "This too shall pass." Good luck!
posted by languagehat at 9:06 AM on August 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

going through a transition phase in life... Should I even be dating?" thing is over the top.

I don't think this is over the top, necessarily. If you're thinking about staying where you are, or near to where you are for the job, then it's over the top, but if there's a really good chance you'll move far away for work, then yeah, this is super important information that your dates need sooner rather than later. Not that you can't or shouldn't date, but obviously it's way more difficult to date with the intention of finding a long term partner if you're likely to be moving out of town. If you're thinking of moving but are just looking for short term or more casual relationships, then it's not such a big deal - but people can still get really attached on both sides, and heartbreak can result. My view is that heartbreak can always result, and you never really know where any particular relationship is going to go right away, so as long as you're being honest, open and upfront about where you are now, where you're going and what you want, then date away.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 1:49 PM on August 30, 2015

I've dated plenty of people who were unemployed at the time. Totally normal and not worth worrying about. If he asks what you do for a living, just say, "I finished grad school this year, just passed my licensing, and now I'm looking for a job doing (whatever)!"

Re: Should you even be dating? In my experience, a lot of your life is spent in a "transition" phase. There's rarely a perfect time to enter a new phase of a relationship with someone. If you feel a connection with someone, pursue it! You can figure out the details as you go along.

If later you get a job offer that means you'll have to move, that's the time to start thinking about this stuff. But who knows what'll happen? Maybe he'll be in your life then, maybe he won't. Maybe you'll get a great job offer in your city. There's no need to fret and have conversations with him about maybe moving when that might not even happen, yet. :)
posted by Solon and Thanks at 7:46 PM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]