Never the bridesmaid, never the brunch buddy?
August 29, 2015 1:42 PM Subscribe
How do you make friends with other women when you don't really have friends who are women?
I'm a university-educated single cis-gendered, straight woman in my late 20s, living in a large city. For a whole bunch of reasons, I've never really been able to get my post-undergrad social life off the ground. I don't really meet new people in the general course of my life. I work for a very small company, and I have like one local friend, so I don't really have the chance to meet friends-of-friends. I know about all the general advice about meetups and interest groups, and I'm working on incorporating more of those into my life. My problem, though, is that I find it hard to make friends with other women, and I worry that I'm sending red flags because I don't have a lot of the markers of pre-established female friendship. This isn't making me terribly happy, because I have hobbies that mostly skew female and I've found that there's just some friendship needs that my guy friends can't fulfill.
Because my once-pretty-vibrant social circle has dwindled so much over my 20s, I haven't really gotten the chance to do a lot of middle-class 20-something female rites of passage. I've never been a bridesmaid, I don't have female friends I can reliably hang out with or go out and do singles stuff with, and that gets hard to hide as someone gets to know me. I can hang out with someone one-on-one, or maybe with their group of friends once or twice, but I can't reciprocate and bring them into my group because I have no group. I suspect that all of this stuff kind of marks me as weird, or indicative of some deeper reason why I'd make a bad friend. I feel like guys can be more tolerant of someone having spent a lot of time being socially isolated, but other women seem to distance themselves from me once they realize I don't do much on the weekends. It's like a woman who's a loner isn't to be trusted or is necessarily shitty to other women.
Some other potential complications: I'm a visible minority. Although I live in a very diverse city, most of the circles I'm in and hobbies I'm interested in are ones where no one looks like me. Also, I'm not thin. Sometimes I worry that other women don't see me as a potential part of their tribe because I'm not...frankly, white, or slightly overweight. In any case, it's hard for me to signal that I'm a-okay to women who seem to have very homogeneous groups of friends.
How do I get around this? I don't think I'm going to have the sort of future that involves a spouse and children and whatnot, but I'd like to fill my life with more people and be a good friend to new people I enjoy spending time with.
I'm a university-educated single cis-gendered, straight woman in my late 20s, living in a large city. For a whole bunch of reasons, I've never really been able to get my post-undergrad social life off the ground. I don't really meet new people in the general course of my life. I work for a very small company, and I have like one local friend, so I don't really have the chance to meet friends-of-friends. I know about all the general advice about meetups and interest groups, and I'm working on incorporating more of those into my life. My problem, though, is that I find it hard to make friends with other women, and I worry that I'm sending red flags because I don't have a lot of the markers of pre-established female friendship. This isn't making me terribly happy, because I have hobbies that mostly skew female and I've found that there's just some friendship needs that my guy friends can't fulfill.
Because my once-pretty-vibrant social circle has dwindled so much over my 20s, I haven't really gotten the chance to do a lot of middle-class 20-something female rites of passage. I've never been a bridesmaid, I don't have female friends I can reliably hang out with or go out and do singles stuff with, and that gets hard to hide as someone gets to know me. I can hang out with someone one-on-one, or maybe with their group of friends once or twice, but I can't reciprocate and bring them into my group because I have no group. I suspect that all of this stuff kind of marks me as weird, or indicative of some deeper reason why I'd make a bad friend. I feel like guys can be more tolerant of someone having spent a lot of time being socially isolated, but other women seem to distance themselves from me once they realize I don't do much on the weekends. It's like a woman who's a loner isn't to be trusted or is necessarily shitty to other women.
Some other potential complications: I'm a visible minority. Although I live in a very diverse city, most of the circles I'm in and hobbies I'm interested in are ones where no one looks like me. Also, I'm not thin. Sometimes I worry that other women don't see me as a potential part of their tribe because I'm not...frankly, white, or slightly overweight. In any case, it's hard for me to signal that I'm a-okay to women who seem to have very homogeneous groups of friends.
How do I get around this? I don't think I'm going to have the sort of future that involves a spouse and children and whatnot, but I'd like to fill my life with more people and be a good friend to new people I enjoy spending time with.
Are you in touch with any of your friends from prior to your 20's?
It sounds like you're missing on more of the run-of-the-mill stuff and assuming from that that you "have no friends". I don't have close female friends where I live either, but I do have a friend in the next state and a friend in another country, two women I've known since we were twelve, and I know they'd drop everything if I needed them and vice versa. Yeah, I miss out on being able to go to brunch with them, but that doesn't mean they're not my friends.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:07 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you're missing on more of the run-of-the-mill stuff and assuming from that that you "have no friends". I don't have close female friends where I live either, but I do have a friend in the next state and a friend in another country, two women I've known since we were twelve, and I know they'd drop everything if I needed them and vice versa. Yeah, I miss out on being able to go to brunch with them, but that doesn't mean they're not my friends.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:07 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm sending red flags because I don't have a lot of the markers of pre-established female friendship
What are these "markers" even? I can't speak for all women everywhere, obviously, but I've never once even judged someone on whether or not she comes pre-set with a brunch crew. It literally wouldn't even make any sense to me to do so, what on earth difference could it possibly make if I already get along with someone?
There really is not an expected exchange in friendship where you have to provide not only yourself but an entire group of people as an offering. Hanging out with someone one-on-one is also friendship. Hanging out with their friends and making their friends gradually into your friends? Also friendship. You're not, like, mooching because you can't match them friend-for-friend.
Can you maybe sit and try and puzzle out where you learned that this was an expectation? My guess is that wherever you learned it, this is causing you to feel defensive and uncomfortable with women, and THAT is the red flag, not your lack of a preexisting crew.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:16 PM on August 29, 2015 [24 favorites]
What are these "markers" even? I can't speak for all women everywhere, obviously, but I've never once even judged someone on whether or not she comes pre-set with a brunch crew. It literally wouldn't even make any sense to me to do so, what on earth difference could it possibly make if I already get along with someone?
There really is not an expected exchange in friendship where you have to provide not only yourself but an entire group of people as an offering. Hanging out with someone one-on-one is also friendship. Hanging out with their friends and making their friends gradually into your friends? Also friendship. You're not, like, mooching because you can't match them friend-for-friend.
Can you maybe sit and try and puzzle out where you learned that this was an expectation? My guess is that wherever you learned it, this is causing you to feel defensive and uncomfortable with women, and THAT is the red flag, not your lack of a preexisting crew.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:16 PM on August 29, 2015 [24 favorites]
Best answer: I agree that your worries about not coming with a pre-established group of friends are a form of negative self-talk. If you and I met and hit it off, I might think it was a bit odd that you didn't have any other female friends (because, after all, we get along and so I think you're cool) but I wouldn't be any less likely to be your friend because of it.
This advice comes up a lot on AskMe and I think it's good: the best way to make friends is to find some sort of regular activity to do. Something where you're working in a group on a shared project is the best. Community theater, political activism, team sports, musical groups, etc. This is why so many people in their twenties make friends through their jobs, because you see those people every day and so relationships develop over time. If you don't get that through work, you can get it through activities like that.
Can you tell us what kinds of things you like to do and maybe even where you live so we can give you specific suggestions of ways to meet women?
I also sort of feel like you're expecting all the middle-class women in your age group to be, like, some sort of real-life version of the "Hey Ladies" women, all brunches and bachelorette parties and baby showers. This is certainly the dominant narrative of twentysomething middle-class "girl in the city" life but it's far from universal. I am a woman with a lot of female friends and I have been to precisely one bachelorette party (I've also been to precisely one bachelor party). In our twenties we went to brunch sometimes but my friends and I were just as likely to go for a hike or to some weird art thing on a Sunday afternoon. FWIW, I made most of my friends in my twenties through political activism, shared housing, and grad school.
I mean, if you want that sort of social group, that's fine, but also beware that if you're trying to flatten yourself into a reasonable facsimile of someone the "hey ladies" girls would want to hang out with because you think that's your only option, know that it is not. And by flattening yourself, you just make it harder to make friends for real.
posted by lunasol at 3:07 PM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
This advice comes up a lot on AskMe and I think it's good: the best way to make friends is to find some sort of regular activity to do. Something where you're working in a group on a shared project is the best. Community theater, political activism, team sports, musical groups, etc. This is why so many people in their twenties make friends through their jobs, because you see those people every day and so relationships develop over time. If you don't get that through work, you can get it through activities like that.
Can you tell us what kinds of things you like to do and maybe even where you live so we can give you specific suggestions of ways to meet women?
I also sort of feel like you're expecting all the middle-class women in your age group to be, like, some sort of real-life version of the "Hey Ladies" women, all brunches and bachelorette parties and baby showers. This is certainly the dominant narrative of twentysomething middle-class "girl in the city" life but it's far from universal. I am a woman with a lot of female friends and I have been to precisely one bachelorette party (I've also been to precisely one bachelor party). In our twenties we went to brunch sometimes but my friends and I were just as likely to go for a hike or to some weird art thing on a Sunday afternoon. FWIW, I made most of my friends in my twenties through political activism, shared housing, and grad school.
I mean, if you want that sort of social group, that's fine, but also beware that if you're trying to flatten yourself into a reasonable facsimile of someone the "hey ladies" girls would want to hang out with because you think that's your only option, know that it is not. And by flattening yourself, you just make it harder to make friends for real.
posted by lunasol at 3:07 PM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I second the idea that having a pre-existing group of ladyfriends to reciprocate is a non-issue. I have moved - lots of times - to several different cities where I didn't know people, and while I'm generally a friendly and outgoing person I am technically pretty introverted so making new friends took some deliberate effort.
In my experience, a big indicator is whether your city is a transient or non-transient city. That is: are there a lot of people there who move there after college for work or other reasons, or are people generally lifers - hanging out with pre-established groups that they've had since college or even high school? If the latter, it is simply harder (but not impossible!) to break in to groups because people simply don't need and aren't seeking new friends as much. If the former, people tend to be much more open to new people and new friendships and certainly wouldn't find it weird that you don't come with a posse. It sounds like you're more self conscious about that than anyone else is likely to be.
You say you hang out with people here and there, but get stuck when you don't have a group to invite them to join. But if you want to be gal pals, do you ever reciprocate simply by throwing out some fun ideas of your own for getting together? Even for, dare I say - yes - brunch? Or are you scared they'll say no? When you count on others to always do the planning and inviting, you might find yourself with vacant weekends - I have been there. But when you start throwing ideas out there, with people you've spent time with before, suddenly you end up with company. I spent forever either doing things solo or waiting to be invited when I had the head-slap moment of, "duh, why I don't I ask those nice girls who let me tag along for drinks last week to catch this film?" It takes some time, but after a year of doing this I think you'll find those casual acquaintances have become part of your tribe.
posted by oneaday at 3:10 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
In my experience, a big indicator is whether your city is a transient or non-transient city. That is: are there a lot of people there who move there after college for work or other reasons, or are people generally lifers - hanging out with pre-established groups that they've had since college or even high school? If the latter, it is simply harder (but not impossible!) to break in to groups because people simply don't need and aren't seeking new friends as much. If the former, people tend to be much more open to new people and new friendships and certainly wouldn't find it weird that you don't come with a posse. It sounds like you're more self conscious about that than anyone else is likely to be.
You say you hang out with people here and there, but get stuck when you don't have a group to invite them to join. But if you want to be gal pals, do you ever reciprocate simply by throwing out some fun ideas of your own for getting together? Even for, dare I say - yes - brunch? Or are you scared they'll say no? When you count on others to always do the planning and inviting, you might find yourself with vacant weekends - I have been there. But when you start throwing ideas out there, with people you've spent time with before, suddenly you end up with company. I spent forever either doing things solo or waiting to be invited when I had the head-slap moment of, "duh, why I don't I ask those nice girls who let me tag along for drinks last week to catch this film?" It takes some time, but after a year of doing this I think you'll find those casual acquaintances have become part of your tribe.
posted by oneaday at 3:10 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
You're overthinking it! In your late twenties and early thirties it's slim pikins for new girl friends- they are hanging out with their established friends, married or partnered and busy with them, busy with establishing career and/or have young children. Over the next few years some of these ladies will split with their husbands, their kids will get to primary school, or whatever and you'll meet them little by little as and when they have the space in their lives for new relationships- but
It's Not like high school or college or first job when you meet loads of new people. so just be friendly and look for women who are in transition periods (new place of work, new city etc.) as they may be more open to friendship!
posted by pairofshades at 3:15 PM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
It's Not like high school or college or first job when you meet loads of new people. so just be friendly and look for women who are in transition periods (new place of work, new city etc.) as they may be more open to friendship!
posted by pairofshades at 3:15 PM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
I used to be sorta like this, I didn't attend college on the traditional pathway with a traditional female friend group. Frankly, co-opting my male friend's girlfriends and actively cultivating work and hobby group friends was the way past it.
posted by stowaway at 3:21 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by stowaway at 3:21 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
The biggest thing you need to realize is that you get to hang out with the people you want to be with - just invite them out! You have so much more control over your group of friends once you pick them yourself.
The second biggest thing you need to think of is that it doesn't really need to be a girl gang. You can start a brunch crew with any people you think might be interesting from anywhere.
Take a chance and plan a brunch with 8-10 people you think are cool (men, women, kids, dogs), then if it goes well talk about doing it again in a month. If you can bear it, you'll end up being the leader.
People love to be included and invited. You can be the person including and inviting. If you're in NYC, I can recommend some cool cheap brunch spots, and if you're short a few people I'll even come (I tell good jokes).
posted by elvissa at 3:43 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
The second biggest thing you need to think of is that it doesn't really need to be a girl gang. You can start a brunch crew with any people you think might be interesting from anywhere.
Take a chance and plan a brunch with 8-10 people you think are cool (men, women, kids, dogs), then if it goes well talk about doing it again in a month. If you can bear it, you'll end up being the leader.
People love to be included and invited. You can be the person including and inviting. If you're in NYC, I can recommend some cool cheap brunch spots, and if you're short a few people I'll even come (I tell good jokes).
posted by elvissa at 3:43 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: When I was 31, I decided I was going to MAKE FRIENDS as a goal. I had no idea what I was doing, but I got better at it as I went. Here's some thoughts and tips I have that might be helpful to you.
Definitely do the meetup thing. When you meet someone you get along with and click with, set up a future other activity with that person. I do this everywhere now, and it's really hard at first, especially if you are in introverted person. Then follow back up and actually DO that thing. Be a person who makes plans. I credit the fact that I have so many friends in no small part of the fact that I do a lot of organizing things for people to do. I really try to take advantage of every friend opportunity. I organize a regular ladies night, where I always try to encourage people to bring other friends as well. Also, I met a lot of my closest female friends online (many through MetaFilter as it happens), and then worked really hard to take those friendships offline. Take your hobbies and do things with them that put you in the path of meeting women you have that piece in common with.
Let go of the notion that that women act one way and men act another. I spent most of my 20s buying into the flawed idea that I was somehow fundamentally different than other women and they wouldn't understand me at all. I could not have been more wrong about this. I just needed to find the women who would understand me, and there was a lot of them. I believe you can do this! It's really hard work at first, but I don't even notice I'm doing it anymore.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 3:43 PM on August 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
Definitely do the meetup thing. When you meet someone you get along with and click with, set up a future other activity with that person. I do this everywhere now, and it's really hard at first, especially if you are in introverted person. Then follow back up and actually DO that thing. Be a person who makes plans. I credit the fact that I have so many friends in no small part of the fact that I do a lot of organizing things for people to do. I really try to take advantage of every friend opportunity. I organize a regular ladies night, where I always try to encourage people to bring other friends as well. Also, I met a lot of my closest female friends online (many through MetaFilter as it happens), and then worked really hard to take those friendships offline. Take your hobbies and do things with them that put you in the path of meeting women you have that piece in common with.
Let go of the notion that that women act one way and men act another. I spent most of my 20s buying into the flawed idea that I was somehow fundamentally different than other women and they wouldn't understand me at all. I could not have been more wrong about this. I just needed to find the women who would understand me, and there was a lot of them. I believe you can do this! It's really hard work at first, but I don't even notice I'm doing it anymore.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 3:43 PM on August 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
I also came in to suggest "co-opting my male friend's girlfriends." They're pre-vetted, you'll probably have something in common...
For me the best way to meet people and make new friends has been to have parties. Nothing fancy; BBQ or DIY pizza with beer. Cast a really wide net with your invite list and stress that you would love for people to bring their friends. Invite all the male friends with the girlfriends, talk to the girlfriends, keep having people over...
Volunteer work and organized groups for people doing whatever activity I'm doing have been good, too.
And don't overlook your neighbourhood. You might have to join a community group or two (a one-off "Clean up YourTown Park!" might suffice) if you don't live in the sort of place where people know their neighbours, but I initially started hanging out with one of my most awesome female friends simply because we live nearby -- you know, the same way little kids choose their friends!
posted by kmennie at 3:55 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
For me the best way to meet people and make new friends has been to have parties. Nothing fancy; BBQ or DIY pizza with beer. Cast a really wide net with your invite list and stress that you would love for people to bring their friends. Invite all the male friends with the girlfriends, talk to the girlfriends, keep having people over...
Volunteer work and organized groups for people doing whatever activity I'm doing have been good, too.
And don't overlook your neighbourhood. You might have to join a community group or two (a one-off "Clean up YourTown Park!" might suffice) if you don't live in the sort of place where people know their neighbours, but I initially started hanging out with one of my most awesome female friends simply because we live nearby -- you know, the same way little kids choose their friends!
posted by kmennie at 3:55 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Making friends requires inviting people out to do stuff, like go out for drinks, dinner/supper, coffee/tea, see a movie, shopping, to a festival, etc. If you come across someone in a craft group or at work or at a meetup that seems like someone you get along with well, just invite them out for something fairly neutral (food, coffee, drinks) and try to set a date.
It is a lot like dating, actually. Almost a bit easier since I've deliberately said stuff along the line of "you're good people. I think we should be friends." and followed up with an invite to do stuff, and it seems to stick pretty well in terms of encouraging friendship. People like to be liked.
posted by lizbunny at 4:30 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
It is a lot like dating, actually. Almost a bit easier since I've deliberately said stuff along the line of "you're good people. I think we should be friends." and followed up with an invite to do stuff, and it seems to stick pretty well in terms of encouraging friendship. People like to be liked.
posted by lizbunny at 4:30 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Lots of good advice here about doing regular activities that enable you to meet with the same groups of people, organising your own social activities and inviting people along etc.
I am in a similar situation and I understand your feelings of vulnerability and thoughts that potential new friends may be judging you as weird or anti-social. I think it is most likely that they are not, as most people usually aren't as judgemental as we think they are when we are feeling insecure. Even if some people do question why you don't already have a large group of friends they might just assume you've been busy with other things in your life, or you're someone who likes to keep to themselves a bit, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't think a prerequisite for friendship is already having friends!
Along the same lines I think you should focus on accepting yourself and not worry so much about fitting in with the kind of groups you see that other women are a part of. Why would you want to fit into some stereotypical homogenous female group anyway? You'd probably become bored with them after a while and seek out more interesting, varied people like yourself! Your people are out there and when you find them you'll see how a lot of your fears were unjustified, they'll accept you just the way you are.
posted by Mimosa at 5:20 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am in a similar situation and I understand your feelings of vulnerability and thoughts that potential new friends may be judging you as weird or anti-social. I think it is most likely that they are not, as most people usually aren't as judgemental as we think they are when we are feeling insecure. Even if some people do question why you don't already have a large group of friends they might just assume you've been busy with other things in your life, or you're someone who likes to keep to themselves a bit, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't think a prerequisite for friendship is already having friends!
Along the same lines I think you should focus on accepting yourself and not worry so much about fitting in with the kind of groups you see that other women are a part of. Why would you want to fit into some stereotypical homogenous female group anyway? You'd probably become bored with them after a while and seek out more interesting, varied people like yourself! Your people are out there and when you find them you'll see how a lot of your fears were unjustified, they'll accept you just the way you are.
posted by Mimosa at 5:20 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm your age, and to this day most of my friends are friends from high school. I've added some folks along the way through college and other-people-'s-jobs connections, but none of them are friends I made myself...if that makes sense.
It always really bothered me that I couldn't seem to make close friends through grad school, hobbies, or work, until I figured out that I actually just don't fit in with most women my age. I felt like I should want to be friends with other twenty-something women, but I find that actually I get along much better and have more in common with women in their late thirties and forties. So: that's who I hang out with now. For the first time, I actually have good friends at work, and it's because I dropped the narrative you're clinging to (and it's a seductive one!) about bachelorette parties and babies and brunch. They did all that stuff ten years ago (or not at all), and that's okay.
Obviously this may not work for you, but it's just a thought.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 5:29 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
It always really bothered me that I couldn't seem to make close friends through grad school, hobbies, or work, until I figured out that I actually just don't fit in with most women my age. I felt like I should want to be friends with other twenty-something women, but I find that actually I get along much better and have more in common with women in their late thirties and forties. So: that's who I hang out with now. For the first time, I actually have good friends at work, and it's because I dropped the narrative you're clinging to (and it's a seductive one!) about bachelorette parties and babies and brunch. They did all that stuff ten years ago (or not at all), and that's okay.
Obviously this may not work for you, but it's just a thought.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 5:29 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I see two possible red flags in what you've described.
The first is that you've described yourself as not doing things on weekends because you have no lady friends. It may well be easier to stay in and nest, but people like people who have interests. Even if you don't have someone to do them with, you need to go out and do things, just to have something other than Orange is the New Black or Game of Thrones to talk about. They don't need to be bachelorette parties and other girlfriend things -- you can go to the spa on your own, catch an art film, see a gallery opening, whatever. Make sure you're out there doing stuff. It is hard to be friends with someone who stays home all the time.
The second is that you're reluctant to invite people to do things because you don't have a friend group of your own to invite them into. That makes it harder to put together a party, sure, but you can still invite people to things. Invite a few people you've met independently to a small dinner or brunch -- it's often easier if you're not trying to integrate one person into a group of people who already know each other well, since everyone has lots of new things to talk about and one person isn't on the outside trying to figure out the inside jokes.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:01 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
The first is that you've described yourself as not doing things on weekends because you have no lady friends. It may well be easier to stay in and nest, but people like people who have interests. Even if you don't have someone to do them with, you need to go out and do things, just to have something other than Orange is the New Black or Game of Thrones to talk about. They don't need to be bachelorette parties and other girlfriend things -- you can go to the spa on your own, catch an art film, see a gallery opening, whatever. Make sure you're out there doing stuff. It is hard to be friends with someone who stays home all the time.
The second is that you're reluctant to invite people to do things because you don't have a friend group of your own to invite them into. That makes it harder to put together a party, sure, but you can still invite people to things. Invite a few people you've met independently to a small dinner or brunch -- it's often easier if you're not trying to integrate one person into a group of people who already know each other well, since everyone has lots of new things to talk about and one person isn't on the outside trying to figure out the inside jokes.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:01 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
"I feel like guys can be more tolerant of someone having spent a lot of time being socially isolated, but other women seem to distance themselves..."
I'll be honest: it's a huge friend turn-off whenever I hear a woman I could potentially be friends with say something to indicate she thinks men tend to be better than women in some friendship capacity. Makes me want to nope right out. Can't stand the negativity of a woman who will say things like "I'm only friends with guys because women do X" or will mention how the "mean girls" treated her at age 14 as an explanation for why she does not have women friends at age 30, instead of realizing that women contain multitudes, and owning the fact that she has unresolved problems with other women-- definitely a red flag. Don't do this thing. Be fun, easygoing, and non-judgmental.
I agree with everyone here who said make the plans and invite folks to do specific things with you. That being said, after a time I've let friendships lapse because they got into a pattern where I felt like I had to be the boss of them, or like the cruise director doing more than my fair share of emotional labor there, and the other person never thanked me, nor reciprocated. Good luck, it's hard putting yourself out there and asking for what you want but it will work if you continue to make the effort and don't give up.
posted by hush at 4:07 AM on August 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'll be honest: it's a huge friend turn-off whenever I hear a woman I could potentially be friends with say something to indicate she thinks men tend to be better than women in some friendship capacity. Makes me want to nope right out. Can't stand the negativity of a woman who will say things like "I'm only friends with guys because women do X" or will mention how the "mean girls" treated her at age 14 as an explanation for why she does not have women friends at age 30, instead of realizing that women contain multitudes, and owning the fact that she has unresolved problems with other women-- definitely a red flag. Don't do this thing. Be fun, easygoing, and non-judgmental.
I agree with everyone here who said make the plans and invite folks to do specific things with you. That being said, after a time I've let friendships lapse because they got into a pattern where I felt like I had to be the boss of them, or like the cruise director doing more than my fair share of emotional labor there, and the other person never thanked me, nor reciprocated. Good luck, it's hard putting yourself out there and asking for what you want but it will work if you continue to make the effort and don't give up.
posted by hush at 4:07 AM on August 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I struggle with this too. My advice is to say yes to opportunities offered by other women even if you think you don't know them that well, or if you're a little uncomfortable, or what have you. I struggled for a long time thinking that because I didn't have any friends it meant that no one wanted to be around me. I know I turned a blind eye to other women reaching out in their own tentative ways, because it was just easier (social anxiety plays a part here too).
Just to reinforce the "get a hobby" notion - I meet a lot of nice folks through knitting.
posted by cabingirl at 6:31 AM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just to reinforce the "get a hobby" notion - I meet a lot of nice folks through knitting.
posted by cabingirl at 6:31 AM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
not helping, but: here, women are married with kids by early 20s, grandmothers by early 40s, literally impossible to find a woman 40-70 who doesn't spend all her spare time round at her grandkids' playing with them. UK was okay- early 30s, lots of divorcees with teenagers just left home. Worst times for finding any female friends at all: late 20s early 30s they disappear to marry, have kids. Then when grandkids come along. Seriously impossible. Must be so much easier being a man. Only relevance: strike now before grandchildren time where you are! (Presumably 50s?)
posted by maiamaia at 2:09 PM on August 30, 2015
posted by maiamaia at 2:09 PM on August 30, 2015
Best answer: You might also find this Ask Polly response helpful.
posted by foxjacket at 7:40 PM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by foxjacket at 7:40 PM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I primarily meet friends through classes/hobbies, and/or by meeting their friends as well. Seems to work.
I do admit that it's hard as a single child-not-having woman to get in with Smug Young Marrieds (they want you to bring a hubby too) or moms (seems like they really need fellow moms of other small children more than the likes of me), but I've had great luck with older women/moms/long-term marrieds who don't give a crap that I don't come as a pair and/or with a kid attached.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:49 PM on August 30, 2015
I do admit that it's hard as a single child-not-having woman to get in with Smug Young Marrieds (they want you to bring a hubby too) or moms (seems like they really need fellow moms of other small children more than the likes of me), but I've had great luck with older women/moms/long-term marrieds who don't give a crap that I don't come as a pair and/or with a kid attached.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:49 PM on August 30, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks for the great suggestions everyone! I get it - I need to get better at making plans and actively including new people in my life, which means feeling okay and confident about planning things for other people, which scares me because of Reasons.
phunniemee - I was involved in Guiding as a kid but hadn't given a lot of thought to becoming a leader. And yes, I'm strongly considering giving therapy another shot.
kmennie - this would be a great suggestion...if my local guy friends dated women.
lunasol - The "Hey Ladies" sort of dynamic has always scared me. I have enough experience on the inside of those kinds of groups in my early 20s to know that I don't really want it now that I'm older. But yeah, from the outside, it's a seductive narrative.
posted by blerghamot at 7:35 PM on August 31, 2015
phunniemee - I was involved in Guiding as a kid but hadn't given a lot of thought to becoming a leader. And yes, I'm strongly considering giving therapy another shot.
kmennie - this would be a great suggestion...if my local guy friends dated women.
lunasol - The "Hey Ladies" sort of dynamic has always scared me. I have enough experience on the inside of those kinds of groups in my early 20s to know that I don't really want it now that I'm older. But yeah, from the outside, it's a seductive narrative.
posted by blerghamot at 7:35 PM on August 31, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
2. Volunteer with the Girl Scouts (or Girl Guides, as I see you're in Canada) or similar organization that will expose you to giving women of all classes, races, and ages united toward common goals.
3. Start going to therapy and work on your negative self talk.
posted by phunniemee at 1:54 PM on August 29, 2015 [4 favorites]