Can we keep our relationship intact?
August 26, 2015 4:02 AM Subscribe
We want an open relationship. But we haven't talked it through. And now someone has shown up and she wants it to happen. Is that too much to ask? (Sorry but this is long.)
i have been in a relationship for four years with the most amazing glorious goddess woman who shakes my bones and compels me to jump out of my seat and dance barefoot in the dirt under the moon. She grounds me to the earth and myself. And I count on her for too much.
She is younger (26) than I am (32) -- but we are both young and that's why we want an open relationship. She started the conversation but I'm into it. But we only broached the subject months ago. And part of a larger conversation.
We moved out of our shared home of 2.5 years in July. And things got really wonky. Our plan is to live separately for about a year and then make a larger move together. The place I was supposed to move fell thru and I had to scramble around. At the same time my 8-year-old son came to stay for several weeks unexpectedly. (I'm divorced.) and then our cat died. It has been very stressful.
She has living temporarily with a friend, but recently left for month long workshop with a large group of other creative people. I am still figuring out what I'm doing.
I went visit her this weekend at the workshop and she told me she's developed feelings for someone there. And she asked my permission to change the parameters of our relationship.
I was overwhelmed and not expecting to do it this way. I thought we would have several talks and time to set some boundaries. I said that I felt it was important to have boundaries to protect our primary relationship.
I thought about it a lot and decided I couldn't do it like this. It felt wrong that it happen because there was someone she wanted to have an experience with. I wanted it to happen because we decided and it came out of our relationship, before anyone else was introduced.
But we never really talked about it and we both expressed interest. And I feel terrible because I want her to be able to be open to this kind of experience. If we figured out how to get our shit together and talk this through before she went away it wouldn't have been a problem.
So we talked for several hours with lots of crying and feeling crazy and it felt like this need for her was so strong and she was saying it wasn't this person but I couldn't figure out how to separate it because of it all happening at once.
And it felt like our whole relationship got called into question because she feels like she can't find motivation to do and achieve the things she wants out of her young life because it's so easy to fall back on our relationship. And I don't want that for her.
I'm committed to many serious changes in my life. It's part of our moving and everything else. And I am making my own changes for myself but I think things can also change to alleviate her ease of using the relationship as a crutch preventing her from growing as an individual.
Neither of us want to end the relationship because we see long term potential, having a family together. And I want that desperately. But she's not ready to be completely committed to that.
And I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to force her to suppress her feelings. I thought she would just let this one go and we could talk it through and open our relationship after the workshop. But it got really messy and it feels so important to let her have this. I don't want to restrict her or hurt her.
We left things feeling "okay" but didn't resolve anything. In the end I never gave her permission but it got really messy and I don't think it was clear enough. We said we'd talk as soon as she gets back next week. I think it's really unfair and that we'll have to figure out how to resolve that. But I'm also feeling really conflicted and I think an open relationship is really important for the health of our long term relationship.
I'm tempted to call her and give permission. But I don't know if that will just make it more complicated and I'm afraid that if I compromise I won't be respecting my own feelings. But I don't know if I'm so sure that it absolutely can't happen this way. It's my reaction but I know it hurts her and makes her feel suppressed and that hurts me.
I need advice about changing my mind and giving permission now. I'd also like any thought about whether or not our relationship might truly be in danger. Preferably encouragement that it can persevere, but if you feel strongly it cannot, I'd hear that too.
I know that I/we need and should already be seeing a counselor. I regret not having already initiated that. I've already made an appointment. I just think if I'm going to give her permission it should happen right away because waiting until the end of the workshop seems extremely disingenuous.
This has to be anonymous, but if anyone has any experience with anything like this, or just a willingness to talk more, if you post a way to contact you I'd love people to talk to. Even if just to say it will be ok however things work out.
Thank you.
i have been in a relationship for four years with the most amazing glorious goddess woman who shakes my bones and compels me to jump out of my seat and dance barefoot in the dirt under the moon. She grounds me to the earth and myself. And I count on her for too much.
She is younger (26) than I am (32) -- but we are both young and that's why we want an open relationship. She started the conversation but I'm into it. But we only broached the subject months ago. And part of a larger conversation.
We moved out of our shared home of 2.5 years in July. And things got really wonky. Our plan is to live separately for about a year and then make a larger move together. The place I was supposed to move fell thru and I had to scramble around. At the same time my 8-year-old son came to stay for several weeks unexpectedly. (I'm divorced.) and then our cat died. It has been very stressful.
She has living temporarily with a friend, but recently left for month long workshop with a large group of other creative people. I am still figuring out what I'm doing.
I went visit her this weekend at the workshop and she told me she's developed feelings for someone there. And she asked my permission to change the parameters of our relationship.
I was overwhelmed and not expecting to do it this way. I thought we would have several talks and time to set some boundaries. I said that I felt it was important to have boundaries to protect our primary relationship.
I thought about it a lot and decided I couldn't do it like this. It felt wrong that it happen because there was someone she wanted to have an experience with. I wanted it to happen because we decided and it came out of our relationship, before anyone else was introduced.
But we never really talked about it and we both expressed interest. And I feel terrible because I want her to be able to be open to this kind of experience. If we figured out how to get our shit together and talk this through before she went away it wouldn't have been a problem.
So we talked for several hours with lots of crying and feeling crazy and it felt like this need for her was so strong and she was saying it wasn't this person but I couldn't figure out how to separate it because of it all happening at once.
And it felt like our whole relationship got called into question because she feels like she can't find motivation to do and achieve the things she wants out of her young life because it's so easy to fall back on our relationship. And I don't want that for her.
I'm committed to many serious changes in my life. It's part of our moving and everything else. And I am making my own changes for myself but I think things can also change to alleviate her ease of using the relationship as a crutch preventing her from growing as an individual.
Neither of us want to end the relationship because we see long term potential, having a family together. And I want that desperately. But she's not ready to be completely committed to that.
And I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to force her to suppress her feelings. I thought she would just let this one go and we could talk it through and open our relationship after the workshop. But it got really messy and it feels so important to let her have this. I don't want to restrict her or hurt her.
We left things feeling "okay" but didn't resolve anything. In the end I never gave her permission but it got really messy and I don't think it was clear enough. We said we'd talk as soon as she gets back next week. I think it's really unfair and that we'll have to figure out how to resolve that. But I'm also feeling really conflicted and I think an open relationship is really important for the health of our long term relationship.
I'm tempted to call her and give permission. But I don't know if that will just make it more complicated and I'm afraid that if I compromise I won't be respecting my own feelings. But I don't know if I'm so sure that it absolutely can't happen this way. It's my reaction but I know it hurts her and makes her feel suppressed and that hurts me.
I need advice about changing my mind and giving permission now. I'd also like any thought about whether or not our relationship might truly be in danger. Preferably encouragement that it can persevere, but if you feel strongly it cannot, I'd hear that too.
I know that I/we need and should already be seeing a counselor. I regret not having already initiated that. I've already made an appointment. I just think if I'm going to give her permission it should happen right away because waiting until the end of the workshop seems extremely disingenuous.
This has to be anonymous, but if anyone has any experience with anything like this, or just a willingness to talk more, if you post a way to contact you I'd love people to talk to. Even if just to say it will be ok however things work out.
Thank you.
I'm afraid that if I compromise I won't be respecting my own feelings.
To me, this is the crux of your post. You don't want to be in an open relationship right now. End of story.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:46 AM on August 26, 2015 [29 favorites]
To me, this is the crux of your post. You don't want to be in an open relationship right now. End of story.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:46 AM on August 26, 2015 [29 favorites]
This sounds less like a healthy open relationship and more like she wants to have an affair and is making you feel guilty about it. It's OK to ask, but you clearly weren't cool with it, and her correct response would be to respect your boundaries and drop it instead of launching an hours-long emotional debate that leaves things unresolved. I hate to tell you this, but I'm not sure if this relationship is salvageable regardless of what you do or don't do.
The upside is that you're already living separately.
Something very similar happened to me recently, feel free to send me a PM if you want to chat.
posted by theodolite at 4:54 AM on August 26, 2015 [42 favorites]
The upside is that you're already living separately.
Something very similar happened to me recently, feel free to send me a PM if you want to chat.
posted by theodolite at 4:54 AM on August 26, 2015 [42 favorites]
I thought we would have several talks and time to set some boundaries....It felt wrong that it happen because there was someone she wanted to have an experience with. I wanted it to happen because we decided and it came out of our relationship, before anyone else was introduced.
You had it right and that is how it is supposed to work. The parties are supposed to establish boundaries before someone is waiting in the wings. What you have here is she has a crush and wants your permission to act on it, which is the exact opposite of how it is supposed to work. I think your instincts are correct. At least at this time, you do not wish to open your relationship, so do not give her permission. How your girlfriend reacts to that is up to her, although from your question she is not respecting your wishes in this regard.
I think there is at least a decent chance that she has already been intimate with this person to some extent. Be prepared for some sort of confession when she returns next week. That's my answer to your question about if your relationship may be in danger. Yes, I think it is.
I have some other thoughts, which you can learn if you wish by using the email address in my profile.
posted by Tanizaki at 4:55 AM on August 26, 2015 [30 favorites]
You had it right and that is how it is supposed to work. The parties are supposed to establish boundaries before someone is waiting in the wings. What you have here is she has a crush and wants your permission to act on it, which is the exact opposite of how it is supposed to work. I think your instincts are correct. At least at this time, you do not wish to open your relationship, so do not give her permission. How your girlfriend reacts to that is up to her, although from your question she is not respecting your wishes in this regard.
I think there is at least a decent chance that she has already been intimate with this person to some extent. Be prepared for some sort of confession when she returns next week. That's my answer to your question about if your relationship may be in danger. Yes, I think it is.
I have some other thoughts, which you can learn if you wish by using the email address in my profile.
posted by Tanizaki at 4:55 AM on August 26, 2015 [30 favorites]
"Neither of us want to end the relationship because we see long term potential, having a family together."
This relationship's potential to be right for you in the future is not a good reason to stay in it now, when it is probably not.
You two clearly have stuff you need to work on, in yourselves. You already know you have stuff you need to get sorted, and she has stuff too - if you feel a relationship is something to "fall back on" then you're kind of doing it wrong.
Take a break from each other, and see how you feel in 6 months. If it helps, I have known several couples who have taken a break of a year or more and since got back together, married, had kids. It happens, it may or may not happen for you, but I think you guys need to not be together for a while so you can get your heads straight.
Finally - what makes someone right for you is not necessarily that you have hobbies in common or similar views on politics. Its what direction you are pointing in. That's how you stay in it for the long run. Take some time apart, and see if your compass points draw closer, or further away, over that time.
posted by greenish at 5:03 AM on August 26, 2015 [17 favorites]
This relationship's potential to be right for you in the future is not a good reason to stay in it now, when it is probably not.
You two clearly have stuff you need to work on, in yourselves. You already know you have stuff you need to get sorted, and she has stuff too - if you feel a relationship is something to "fall back on" then you're kind of doing it wrong.
Take a break from each other, and see how you feel in 6 months. If it helps, I have known several couples who have taken a break of a year or more and since got back together, married, had kids. It happens, it may or may not happen for you, but I think you guys need to not be together for a while so you can get your heads straight.
Finally - what makes someone right for you is not necessarily that you have hobbies in common or similar views on politics. Its what direction you are pointing in. That's how you stay in it for the long run. Take some time apart, and see if your compass points draw closer, or further away, over that time.
posted by greenish at 5:03 AM on August 26, 2015 [17 favorites]
Don't count on her actually making the larger move with you circa next July. She moved out and basically told you she does not want to live with you currently; she says she cannot commit now to becoming part of a "family" with you at any point in the future; she actively wants to fuck this other person at her workshop and may have done the deed already; she sees your relationship as being incompatible with her own personal growth at the age of 26.... This is her slowly breaking up with you. Let her go.
posted by hush at 5:19 AM on August 26, 2015 [94 favorites]
posted by hush at 5:19 AM on August 26, 2015 [94 favorites]
Once you said no, that really should have been a full stop.
She might have feelings about it, she might be angry that you two were clearly not on the same page (I can see where having talked about an open relationship she might think you two were further along the path than you thought you were), and so on.
But if your relationship is central, then at the start of any other relationship, before the third person is really involved, a no is a no is a no.
This is really important to understand: Even if you came up with the perfect set of rules and boundaries, at some point, you would have a need in an open relationship where you would need to say no. I highly recommend you stick to your feelings and needs right now. If it doesn't work right now then opening the relationship is not going to make it work any better.
For other reasons like hush just summarized, I don't think it's a lasting relationship anyway.
When I was in your girlfriend's position my husband said he was not okay with an open relationship. I Felt All The Feelings and then I respected his needs and that was 14 years ago. Because he is my partner. You guys don't sound like you are in that place. I would definitely look for a therapist for yourself to work through all this.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:24 AM on August 26, 2015 [12 favorites]
She might have feelings about it, she might be angry that you two were clearly not on the same page (I can see where having talked about an open relationship she might think you two were further along the path than you thought you were), and so on.
But if your relationship is central, then at the start of any other relationship, before the third person is really involved, a no is a no is a no.
This is really important to understand: Even if you came up with the perfect set of rules and boundaries, at some point, you would have a need in an open relationship where you would need to say no. I highly recommend you stick to your feelings and needs right now. If it doesn't work right now then opening the relationship is not going to make it work any better.
For other reasons like hush just summarized, I don't think it's a lasting relationship anyway.
When I was in your girlfriend's position my husband said he was not okay with an open relationship. I Felt All The Feelings and then I respected his needs and that was 14 years ago. Because he is my partner. You guys don't sound like you are in that place. I would definitely look for a therapist for yourself to work through all this.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:24 AM on August 26, 2015 [12 favorites]
Is all this drama really working for you? It doesn't sound like it is, though for some people the drama is what they want and love. She is telling you loud and clear what she wants and what she is going to do, and you need to listen to what she is saying, not what you wish she were saying instead.
With hindsight, most of us can look back on past relationships and see where we stayed longer than we should have, sometimes out of fear and sometimes out of a mistaken hope for change. I wouldn't call 32 young, but the drama and intensity that you describe has the feel of an young relationship to me. Is that really what you are looking for at this point in time?
posted by Dip Flash at 5:36 AM on August 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
With hindsight, most of us can look back on past relationships and see where we stayed longer than we should have, sometimes out of fear and sometimes out of a mistaken hope for change. I wouldn't call 32 young, but the drama and intensity that you describe has the feel of an young relationship to me. Is that really what you are looking for at this point in time?
posted by Dip Flash at 5:36 AM on August 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
we are both young and that's why we want an open relationship.
Just being young isn't a real reason for wanting an open relationship. What is it about an open relationship that attracts you? There are plenty of young people who do not want an open relationship and plenty of young people who do, so youth can't be the only reason.
I get the sense that you don't want an open relationship at all, to be honest. But that you *think* you should because you and she are young. That's not how it works.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:40 AM on August 26, 2015 [42 favorites]
Just being young isn't a real reason for wanting an open relationship. What is it about an open relationship that attracts you? There are plenty of young people who do not want an open relationship and plenty of young people who do, so youth can't be the only reason.
I get the sense that you don't want an open relationship at all, to be honest. But that you *think* you should because you and she are young. That's not how it works.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:40 AM on August 26, 2015 [42 favorites]
A healthy relationship isn't a "crutch" and doesn't prevent you from doing anything; just the opposite, a healthy partner is a rock/safety net/life preserver/springboard/choose your analogy. I can chase the things I want because I know I have this one thing in my life that's always going to be there and be right.
Can you keep your relationship intact? My read of the situation is that your partner has already sent you to Storage B with a can of bug spray and no stapler and is now just waiting it out.
posted by ftm at 5:41 AM on August 26, 2015 [25 favorites]
Can you keep your relationship intact? My read of the situation is that your partner has already sent you to Storage B with a can of bug spray and no stapler and is now just waiting it out.
posted by ftm at 5:41 AM on August 26, 2015 [25 favorites]
And it felt like our whole relationship got called into question because she feels like she can't find motivation to do and achieve the things she wants out of her young life because it's so easy to fall back on our relationship. And I don't want that for her.
This actually is the most important thing in your post to me. The other person and the 'maybe open after we talk about it' is all window dressing to cover up the fact that she's afraid your relationship is holding her back, but she doesn't want to hurt you or let you go and maybe not get you back. And you don't want to let her go and maybe not get her back, so you're trying to talk yourself into making this weird in-between thing work.
You both need a clean break and some time alone to decide if you really want to be together or if you're just being held together by fear and loneliness.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:45 AM on August 26, 2015 [14 favorites]
This actually is the most important thing in your post to me. The other person and the 'maybe open after we talk about it' is all window dressing to cover up the fact that she's afraid your relationship is holding her back, but she doesn't want to hurt you or let you go and maybe not get you back. And you don't want to let her go and maybe not get her back, so you're trying to talk yourself into making this weird in-between thing work.
You both need a clean break and some time alone to decide if you really want to be together or if you're just being held together by fear and loneliness.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:45 AM on August 26, 2015 [14 favorites]
She is trying to break up with you in slow motion, and I think that is making it much worse for you (and probably your son) than it needs to be. Make a clean break of it when she gets back and begin to heal yourself. Maybe some day in the future (I'm talking years), if your paths cross you can see if your goals are more aligned and try your relationship again, but right now it is not doing either of you any good.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:48 AM on August 26, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 5:48 AM on August 26, 2015 [16 favorites]
The only part that indicates to me that your girlfriend is still with you is when she asked your permission to see this other person. Then after you said no, basically tried to argue you into it anyway and didn't respect it. She's moved out, she's met someone else, you're holding her back, supposedly... I mean, what part of this screams life partner to you? You're desperately trying to hold onto someone who just doesn't want it. I'm so sorry. She's not being kind about it either, it sounds like she using you as an emotional safety net where she gets to try out another relationship and see if she likes it before making the leap. Spare both of you and let the girl go - I really think it's going to happen anyway and you don't deserve the slo mo torture you're getting now.
posted by Jubey at 5:56 AM on August 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 5:56 AM on August 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
> In the end I never gave her permission but it got really messy and I don't think it was clear enough.
>So we talked for several hours with lots of crying and feeling crazy
There's something really wrong here. This is theatrical and mind-gamey and for all the communicating that is going on, people are having a hard time expressing themselves. Or, at least, one of you is.
Her not taking "no," or "in a month," or "let me think for a few days" or whatever from you isn't okay.
Long crying phone conversations where you feel tortured and nothing gets resolved are also not okay. That doesn't happen on accident.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:01 AM on August 26, 2015 [14 favorites]
>So we talked for several hours with lots of crying and feeling crazy
There's something really wrong here. This is theatrical and mind-gamey and for all the communicating that is going on, people are having a hard time expressing themselves. Or, at least, one of you is.
Her not taking "no," or "in a month," or "let me think for a few days" or whatever from you isn't okay.
Long crying phone conversations where you feel tortured and nothing gets resolved are also not okay. That doesn't happen on accident.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:01 AM on August 26, 2015 [14 favorites]
It sounds like you guys should just take a break for a while, she gets to explore what she needs/wants to explore, and if it is really meant to be, you may reconnect at some point in the future (I have known couples this has worked out for!). But it seems pretty obvious from your description that your girlfriend is not ready for a serious committment to you right now.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:14 AM on August 26, 2015
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:14 AM on August 26, 2015
Maybe some day in the future (I'm talking years), if your paths cross you can see if your goals are more aligned and try your relationship again, but right now it is not doing either of you any good.
And, it's worth remembering that "we are not right right now" does not automatically include "but we will be right later." It sounds to me like you are headed for a break up, and, assuming you do break up, you need to actually break up, without the assumption that you are ever going to get back together. Maybe you will, but it's far more likely that you will each find other partner(s) who want the same things you do.
I gather that some people really like having open relationships, but I have seen plenty of "open" couples with one member being much less enthusiastic than the other, and it generally means a lot of heartbreak and regret, and that's not so much polyamory as "having one foot out the door."
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:28 AM on August 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
And, it's worth remembering that "we are not right right now" does not automatically include "but we will be right later." It sounds to me like you are headed for a break up, and, assuming you do break up, you need to actually break up, without the assumption that you are ever going to get back together. Maybe you will, but it's far more likely that you will each find other partner(s) who want the same things you do.
I gather that some people really like having open relationships, but I have seen plenty of "open" couples with one member being much less enthusiastic than the other, and it generally means a lot of heartbreak and regret, and that's not so much polyamory as "having one foot out the door."
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:28 AM on August 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
If she's really committed to the relationship, she - like you - will need to accept that "open relationship" usually isn't "have sex with anyone you want at any time". Sometimes that means that you can't act on feelings you have, even though you are technically in an open relationship. I think that's difficult to get one's head around at first - it's quite possible that she's not actually being villainous or breaking up with you or whatever. Maybe she's just confused and enthused about this person.
When you're not in an open relationship and you get a crush, matters are pretty easy - you either break up or you learn to ignore the crush. It's harder to figure that stuff out in an open relationship.
If I were you, I would stick to your guns about needing to work out the terms of the relationship first (or else break up if she doesn't want to do that). She's free to have feelings for this person at the workshop, but she'll need to defer any actual relationship with them until you and she are on a good footing, and if that means that she misses her window - well, we all miss a lot of windows in life.
Also, workshops are legendary for this kind of thing - the one time anyone cheated on me was at an extended conference. Feelings run high, people are out of their usual settings, you don't have to deal with the other person's regular life, etc. It seems like a bad idea for her to do anything life-altering based on a couple of weeks in an unusual setting - if she thinks back on it later and decides, in the light of day, that she still wants to pursue this person, that's different.
I'd have another conversation where you say clearly that you would like to open up the relationship but that you need to [have X amount/type of conversations] first. That's your condition. If she's really committed to the relationship, she's going to come around on that and be able to defer the exciting conference-crush (and I'm sympathetic about her feelings; it's not feelings, it's how one acts). If she's not, then you know.
posted by Frowner at 6:31 AM on August 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
When you're not in an open relationship and you get a crush, matters are pretty easy - you either break up or you learn to ignore the crush. It's harder to figure that stuff out in an open relationship.
If I were you, I would stick to your guns about needing to work out the terms of the relationship first (or else break up if she doesn't want to do that). She's free to have feelings for this person at the workshop, but she'll need to defer any actual relationship with them until you and she are on a good footing, and if that means that she misses her window - well, we all miss a lot of windows in life.
Also, workshops are legendary for this kind of thing - the one time anyone cheated on me was at an extended conference. Feelings run high, people are out of their usual settings, you don't have to deal with the other person's regular life, etc. It seems like a bad idea for her to do anything life-altering based on a couple of weeks in an unusual setting - if she thinks back on it later and decides, in the light of day, that she still wants to pursue this person, that's different.
I'd have another conversation where you say clearly that you would like to open up the relationship but that you need to [have X amount/type of conversations] first. That's your condition. If she's really committed to the relationship, she's going to come around on that and be able to defer the exciting conference-crush (and I'm sympathetic about her feelings; it's not feelings, it's how one acts). If she's not, then you know.
posted by Frowner at 6:31 AM on August 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
You said giving my permission several times. I don't think her need to cheat requires your permission. She is going to do it if she wants to. What she wants, is your prior forgiveness, and you aren't going to be able to give that at this time, by the sound of things. Do what most people do and break up for some time. If it is meant to be, you will find each other again. And do seek counseling. You've made your life very difficult and it doesn't have to be that way.
The open thing doesn't actually work for most people. It's a swell idea but it hurts too much in practice. Accept that you love her too much to want to share her with someone else. It's okay. It's actually very healthy.
posted by myselfasme at 6:34 AM on August 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
The open thing doesn't actually work for most people. It's a swell idea but it hurts too much in practice. Accept that you love her too much to want to share her with someone else. It's okay. It's actually very healthy.
posted by myselfasme at 6:34 AM on August 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
This woman wants to break up with you but she isn't sure that's what she wants and she doesn't know how to do it. She's already moved out and found someone else. This relationship is so full of All Of The Feelings and so rife with drama that you only mention your eight year old son once, and that's in the context of his presence being an inconvenience that puts stress on this already very drama-filled relationship? This is not a healthy situation. Let her go. Then try to learn how to generate the goddess mojo you adore in her within yourself. Go dance barefoot under the moon with your kid. I promise you have it in you.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:34 AM on August 26, 2015 [36 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:34 AM on August 26, 2015 [36 favorites]
Once you said that you weren't comfortable with the situation, she should have respected your feelings and dropped it.
The crying and "crazy" emotional talk makes me wonder if she's already hooked up with her crush, and now she's feeling guilty about it. She was hoping you'd be cool with it so she could have a clear conscience.
posted by Ostara at 6:38 AM on August 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
The crying and "crazy" emotional talk makes me wonder if she's already hooked up with her crush, and now she's feeling guilty about it. She was hoping you'd be cool with it so she could have a clear conscience.
posted by Ostara at 6:38 AM on August 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
I also think she's breaking up with you ... Or has already and is just using your relationship as an emotional crutch.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:39 AM on August 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:39 AM on August 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
If someone wants to start an open relationship with a particular other person in mind, what they are looking for is permission to have an affair. You negotiate the relationship before other partners are found precisely for these reasons. It really sound like you want to be the sort of person that is ok with an open relationship, but at least in this case, it really comes across that your not, and that is fine. It could well be because you can feel her slowly leaving you, which is what it sounds like she is doing, you need a huge amount of trust in the other person for this sort of relationship to work and I think somewhere deep down you, quite rightly, don't trust her intentions.
posted by wwax at 6:50 AM on August 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by wwax at 6:50 AM on August 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
You can't get so wrapped up and be a good father. Dude - Why haven't you considered your son?
I agree this is a lot of drama and she is breaking up with you, even if she doesn't see it that way.
This is an unacceptable level of emotional bullshit for you to participate in when you have a child to raise.
Break up. Focus on your precious son, who will only be 8 yrs old this once. Take him places, put extra money into his college fund, get deeper involved in his life.
You don't sound at all like a parent. Parents don't let unnecessary bullshit spin out of control around them. This relationship is over, and that's it.
PS - I'm not against open relationships, but everyone is right that this is not how they happen. The minute the tears and hours long conversation started - man - you should have been thinking "Why am I going on with this person when I could be spending all this energy I'm wasting on myself or my kid? Later!"
posted by jbenben at 7:14 AM on August 26, 2015 [39 favorites]
I agree this is a lot of drama and she is breaking up with you, even if she doesn't see it that way.
This is an unacceptable level of emotional bullshit for you to participate in when you have a child to raise.
Break up. Focus on your precious son, who will only be 8 yrs old this once. Take him places, put extra money into his college fund, get deeper involved in his life.
You don't sound at all like a parent. Parents don't let unnecessary bullshit spin out of control around them. This relationship is over, and that's it.
PS - I'm not against open relationships, but everyone is right that this is not how they happen. The minute the tears and hours long conversation started - man - you should have been thinking "Why am I going on with this person when I could be spending all this energy I'm wasting on myself or my kid? Later!"
posted by jbenben at 7:14 AM on August 26, 2015 [39 favorites]
She was 22 when you got together, right? Maybe she'd just graduated from college? That makes the six years, normally not a huge difference, much larger. Plus you have a kid. If she was writing an AskMe about this, people would probably be telling her she needs to have some time being single as an adult. It may really just be as simple as that.
posted by BibiRose at 7:19 AM on August 26, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 7:19 AM on August 26, 2015 [14 favorites]
Neither of us want to end the relationship because we see long term potential, having a family together. And I want that desperately. But she's not ready to be completely committed to that.
The primary reason for staying in a relationship shouldn't be its potential - you should stay in it for how it's actually working right now. This relationship isn't working right now and I don't think it will work in the future, either.
I agree with everyone else that she's slowly breaking up with you. You said you don't want to lose her but I think you already have.
A few things about your post stick out to me -- you said you depend on her for too much, that you desperately want things to work out. This all sounds way too clingy and high-pressure for my tastes and, despite your seeming interest in not restricting her, you nonetheless sound too dependent on her specifically and the relationship "working out" generally.
You also idealize her to an extent that doesn't sound healthy. No one is an "amazing glorious goddess woman". She's a person, with faults and strengths like anyone else. And in this case, she's a particularly young person with limited life experience, possibly lacking in maturity and, apparently, has a view of relationships and commitment that is not compatible with yours.
I think you should end the relationship, do some more internal work and look for a stable, mature, compatible partner that can be a good support for both you and your son rather than a "glorious goddess woman" the next time around.
posted by Gray Skies at 7:29 AM on August 26, 2015 [16 favorites]
The primary reason for staying in a relationship shouldn't be its potential - you should stay in it for how it's actually working right now. This relationship isn't working right now and I don't think it will work in the future, either.
I agree with everyone else that she's slowly breaking up with you. You said you don't want to lose her but I think you already have.
A few things about your post stick out to me -- you said you depend on her for too much, that you desperately want things to work out. This all sounds way too clingy and high-pressure for my tastes and, despite your seeming interest in not restricting her, you nonetheless sound too dependent on her specifically and the relationship "working out" generally.
You also idealize her to an extent that doesn't sound healthy. No one is an "amazing glorious goddess woman". She's a person, with faults and strengths like anyone else. And in this case, she's a particularly young person with limited life experience, possibly lacking in maturity and, apparently, has a view of relationships and commitment that is not compatible with yours.
I think you should end the relationship, do some more internal work and look for a stable, mature, compatible partner that can be a good support for both you and your son rather than a "glorious goddess woman" the next time around.
posted by Gray Skies at 7:29 AM on August 26, 2015 [16 favorites]
Mod note: Update from the OP:
I just really want to make an update to say that my son does not live with me. That he lives really far away, and I do not see him all the time or have the opportunity to do no matter how much I want that, and it's very complicated and difficult. And I talk to him on the phone or see him on Skype regularly, as much as I can. And I do not let my relationship with my partner get in the way of my relationship with my son, even though that is certainly a contributing factor. My son always comes first before my relationship and I know that is part of the issue that my partner and I have. And I have conflicted feelings about it, of course! But my actions always represent my deep commitment and responsibility for my child.posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 7:34 AM on August 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have had open relationships of many types continuously since 1999. I have a different perspective on them than most people, including most people in open relationships. My perspective:
Everyone should have control over their own bodies and emotions. Both demanding this control over someone else or handing control to someone else (as most people do when they enter any romantic relationship) is ethically and personally problematic.
Newly opening a previously monogamous relationship to other people does require a lot of thought and conversation, since you’re moving into new ground that we don’t have a lot of ethical models for. But if you find the idea painful/ heartbreaking, or if you feel there has to be a long list of “rules” the other person or their other partners need to follow in order for you to feel comfortable/ safe, it’s probably not for you.
Take from that what you will.
posted by metasarah at 7:40 AM on August 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
Everyone should have control over their own bodies and emotions. Both demanding this control over someone else or handing control to someone else (as most people do when they enter any romantic relationship) is ethically and personally problematic.
Newly opening a previously monogamous relationship to other people does require a lot of thought and conversation, since you’re moving into new ground that we don’t have a lot of ethical models for. But if you find the idea painful/ heartbreaking, or if you feel there has to be a long list of “rules” the other person or their other partners need to follow in order for you to feel comfortable/ safe, it’s probably not for you.
Take from that what you will.
posted by metasarah at 7:40 AM on August 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
you indicate throughout your question that you and your partner are in the same, young, working things out spot in your lives - but it's just not true. you are a divorced father in your 30s. she's a childess and (i assume) never married woman in her 20s. these are big differences to where you guys are in life. you are looking towards forever and she's looking to not be tied down. i don't think you're compatible right now and i think the kindest thing for both of you would be to let her go.
posted by nadawi at 7:44 AM on August 26, 2015 [36 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 7:44 AM on August 26, 2015 [36 favorites]
I don't know, man, I have to say your position seems somewhat unreasonable to me, if you just look at the bare facts. You had agreed in principle to an open relationship. She took off to a month long workshop with other creative people -- of course she was going to meet someone she was attracted to there, that's what happens at things like that -- and while I understand your desire to stick to the timeline/structure that you had envisioned, life really doesn't wait like that. It seems kind of pedantic to agree that she (and you) can have sexual relations with other people but get all wound up that she wants to try this out during a month-long trip where she has someone she wants "an experience" with, just because you're miffed that all the details weren't hammered out yet. It feels like a bit of resentment on your part because you don't have anyone yet.
I agree with the others who say the deed has very possibly already happened, and she's thinking that your blessing to the situation going-forward will apply retroactively to what she's already done.
This situation seems analogous to you and her deciding to set something on fire, dousing it with gasoline, and she strikes the match before you said "go." You're upset that the fire is burning but what's done is done.
posted by jayder at 7:56 AM on August 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
I agree with the others who say the deed has very possibly already happened, and she's thinking that your blessing to the situation going-forward will apply retroactively to what she's already done.
This situation seems analogous to you and her deciding to set something on fire, dousing it with gasoline, and she strikes the match before you said "go." You're upset that the fire is burning but what's done is done.
posted by jayder at 7:56 AM on August 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
This doesn't sound like "open relationship" to me. This sounds like, "My girlfriend and I move out of our shared home, and she fell for someone else, and she's not really at a place where she's ready to tell me she's moved on yet."
posted by xingcat at 8:22 AM on August 26, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 8:22 AM on August 26, 2015 [14 favorites]
Your feelings: i have been in a relationship for four years with the most amazing glorious goddess woman who shakes my bones and compels me to jump out of my seat and dance barefoot in the dirt under the moon. She grounds me to the earth and myself.
Her feelings: she feels like she can't find motivation to do and achieve the things she wants out of her young life because it's so easy to fall back on our relationship.
I hope you see the immense imbalance here. Your idealized and unrealistic vision of her seems to have made you desperate to stay, whereas she seems ambivalent at best, perhaps has outgrown this relationship, and perhaps is only willing to let you stay with her so long as she still gets to do what she wants. It is going to be very difficult to have a healthy relationship with mutual love, respect, and healthy boundaries, with this dynamic.
Your desire to establish ground rules and discuss your comfort levels before she starts sleeping with other people (let's be honest, from the way you're describing your feelings for her I can't really see you wanting to sleep with others) is absolutely valid. If you gave in here (I don't know how her sleeping with this other guy is in any way a "compromise"), that would make her happy, but it will also confirm that she does not need to take your feelings or desires into account. As others have already said, I suspect she probably already has or will sleep with this guy regardless of what the two of you discuss; I also think she'll try to claim that she thought you had given her permission, based on your comment that you ended the call thinking you might not have been clear enough. While I suspect this means the two of you will have MORE crying, unhealthy, crazy-making discussions after the fact, you would be much better off seeing this as a clear sign that she is not interested in building a life and relationship with you.
Honestly, if the two of you got together when she was 22, she has probably changed a lot since then, has outgrown this relationship, and is trying to force you to end it. Even if I'm wrong about that, I think the best thing you could do for yourself and any relationship you have is to work with your counselor, immediately, on your self-esteem and ability to establish healthy boundaries.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:35 AM on August 26, 2015 [10 favorites]
Her feelings: she feels like she can't find motivation to do and achieve the things she wants out of her young life because it's so easy to fall back on our relationship.
I hope you see the immense imbalance here. Your idealized and unrealistic vision of her seems to have made you desperate to stay, whereas she seems ambivalent at best, perhaps has outgrown this relationship, and perhaps is only willing to let you stay with her so long as she still gets to do what she wants. It is going to be very difficult to have a healthy relationship with mutual love, respect, and healthy boundaries, with this dynamic.
Your desire to establish ground rules and discuss your comfort levels before she starts sleeping with other people (let's be honest, from the way you're describing your feelings for her I can't really see you wanting to sleep with others) is absolutely valid. If you gave in here (I don't know how her sleeping with this other guy is in any way a "compromise"), that would make her happy, but it will also confirm that she does not need to take your feelings or desires into account. As others have already said, I suspect she probably already has or will sleep with this guy regardless of what the two of you discuss; I also think she'll try to claim that she thought you had given her permission, based on your comment that you ended the call thinking you might not have been clear enough. While I suspect this means the two of you will have MORE crying, unhealthy, crazy-making discussions after the fact, you would be much better off seeing this as a clear sign that she is not interested in building a life and relationship with you.
Honestly, if the two of you got together when she was 22, she has probably changed a lot since then, has outgrown this relationship, and is trying to force you to end it. Even if I'm wrong about that, I think the best thing you could do for yourself and any relationship you have is to work with your counselor, immediately, on your self-esteem and ability to establish healthy boundaries.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:35 AM on August 26, 2015 [10 favorites]
Hey there,
I'm in a long-term (gay) relationship, with a partner who is 19 years older than me but who came out much later in life. We struggled for years about boundaries on open relationships, and it got messy more than a few times because of similar issues: rules needing to change right now because a particular person or event piqued my partner's interest. I compromised--out of desperation, feeling like it was the only way to maintain our relationship--more than once, and was left worse for the wear. It took me a few years to be able to discuss this frankly, and we set up very (very) clear rules about how and when the relationship can be open. Things got much better, but are still complex.
This really is one of those things that is good to sort out before anyone seeks non-primary partners or experiences. This is a bit of wisdom that one hears much, much more frequently than the opposite (e.g. this just came up one day and it was scary but whew everything worked out great). The opposite does happen, just less reliably.
Feel free to send me a message.
Best.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:43 AM on August 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
I'm in a long-term (gay) relationship, with a partner who is 19 years older than me but who came out much later in life. We struggled for years about boundaries on open relationships, and it got messy more than a few times because of similar issues: rules needing to change right now because a particular person or event piqued my partner's interest. I compromised--out of desperation, feeling like it was the only way to maintain our relationship--more than once, and was left worse for the wear. It took me a few years to be able to discuss this frankly, and we set up very (very) clear rules about how and when the relationship can be open. Things got much better, but are still complex.
This really is one of those things that is good to sort out before anyone seeks non-primary partners or experiences. This is a bit of wisdom that one hears much, much more frequently than the opposite (e.g. this just came up one day and it was scary but whew everything worked out great). The opposite does happen, just less reliably.
Feel free to send me a message.
Best.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:43 AM on August 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
Relationship Broken? Add More People! is never, ever a good idea.
posted by culfinglin at 8:49 AM on August 26, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by culfinglin at 8:49 AM on August 26, 2015 [10 favorites]
I feel that her bringing up this specific other person is a significant data point.
posted by rhizome at 10:42 AM on August 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 10:42 AM on August 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
1) "Being Young" is not a reason for an open relationship. For reference, I'm 25 and have been with my husband since I was 19. We never once thought about an open relationship. Your ages have nothing to do with it. (In fact, I'd guess most are those who have been in a relationship for a long time and have agreed to keep their primary relationship while adding extra excitement.)
2) An open relationship does not start AFTER finding someone you want to have sex with.
3) A successful dialogue on an open relationship does not begin with hours of crying and messy feelings.
4) You clearly don't want this. She clearly wants to sleep with someone else. Those things are not compatible. You should break up so you can each find the relationships you want.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:55 AM on August 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
2) An open relationship does not start AFTER finding someone you want to have sex with.
3) A successful dialogue on an open relationship does not begin with hours of crying and messy feelings.
4) You clearly don't want this. She clearly wants to sleep with someone else. Those things are not compatible. You should break up so you can each find the relationships you want.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:55 AM on August 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Neither of us want to end the relationship because we see long term potential, having a family together. And I want that desperately. But she's not ready to be completely committed to that.
Here's another way to look at this: what if you ditched the idea of being "primary" and just said, we're free to see other people and continue to date casually ourselves?
The problem I'm wrestling with is that you seem to want to "save" this relationship for the future, because you MIGHT want to have a family someday. Frankly, what I read from your question is that you want the future to definitely be her, more than she does. You are scared of opening up partly because she's still not committed to your future. With or without the open relationship - she's still keeping her options open. You are scared of her having another person in mind because you are not secure that you are or will continue to be the primary.
I think the only way to save this is if you can make yourself comfortable with allowing each other to date other people, no boundaries on keeping yourselves the "primary". If that makes you uncomfortable, then I think you are wanting a level of commitment it sounds like she is not into at this time.
posted by nakedmolerats at 11:06 AM on August 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Here's another way to look at this: what if you ditched the idea of being "primary" and just said, we're free to see other people and continue to date casually ourselves?
The problem I'm wrestling with is that you seem to want to "save" this relationship for the future, because you MIGHT want to have a family someday. Frankly, what I read from your question is that you want the future to definitely be her, more than she does. You are scared of opening up partly because she's still not committed to your future. With or without the open relationship - she's still keeping her options open. You are scared of her having another person in mind because you are not secure that you are or will continue to be the primary.
I think the only way to save this is if you can make yourself comfortable with allowing each other to date other people, no boundaries on keeping yourselves the "primary". If that makes you uncomfortable, then I think you are wanting a level of commitment it sounds like she is not into at this time.
posted by nakedmolerats at 11:06 AM on August 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am not writing this to make you feel worse, though it may. But I was in an age gap relationship once-- the gap was a little wider than your own. And your post reminds me of that relationship, in a lot of ways. 1) He really worshipped me, 2) I relied on him too much and we became codependent and it was highly demotivating (he had a house! and a professional career! and I didn't really need to work at either of those things), and 3) I kind of side-stepped out of the relationship when I realized it was unhealthy for me but felt like I didn't have a compelling reason to leave. Because I liked him! He was generally a good partner! We had good times! But he was a grown-ass man and I was in my 20s and I needed to feel like I was blazing my own path.
Just my two cents. I did eventually leave him for someone I fell for while we in the end stages (we broke up and got back together a few times near the end). My current partner makes me feel motivated to accomplish new things, probably just by virtue of the fact that he's a good partner and we're much closer together in terms of stages in life. Just something to consider-- she may just not know how to leave a good thing that she knows is secretly bad for her.
posted by easter queen at 1:19 PM on August 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
Just my two cents. I did eventually leave him for someone I fell for while we in the end stages (we broke up and got back together a few times near the end). My current partner makes me feel motivated to accomplish new things, probably just by virtue of the fact that he's a good partner and we're much closer together in terms of stages in life. Just something to consider-- she may just not know how to leave a good thing that she knows is secretly bad for her.
posted by easter queen at 1:19 PM on August 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
Hey. I've been you. I went through this. It was minus the age gap, but in bits and bobs it pretty much happened the same way. We lived apart, she met somebody at an art thing, they wanted to bone and she wanted permission.
In retrospect,
I thought about it a lot and decided I couldn't do it like this. It felt wrong that it happen because there was someone she wanted to have an experience with. I wanted it to happen because we decided and it came out of our relationship, before anyone else was introduced.
Is the right idea, and probably the best way to go about it, but i really wonder how many people honestly start from there(or are honest with themselves about it). It's sort of like, everybody has a car in mind when they want to get a drivers license.
Another point though, is that i think many people fail at this and it ends in tears, and that those are mostly people with whom it was initiated when one party had someone else in mind already.
That out of the way... I said yes. I also had someone in mind, pretty quickly.
It was literally one of the most fucked up 6 mo-year of my entire life. I nearly drank myself to death, lashed out at people(phyiscally, even) and mercifully avoided jail that i probably deserved, and generally just had a Complete And Total Meltdown. It ended with multiple suicide attempts(i kicked down a door to find someone asphyxiating on their own vomit, awesome!) by different people involved, and moving.
I would go on to say we worked it all out, but it wasn't the same situation and it almost destroyed both of us. The relationship had to be rebuilt from not the ground up, but it took a long time to regain trust on my side, and i'm sure hers. We were both in it for the sex, not for alternate companionship when we started it. And reading your description, i really really see this as her essentially monkey-barring. Not letting go of one branch until she has a firm grip on the other so that she always has a backup plan.
It's emotional cowardice and disrespectful to everyone involved.
I basically have to conclude that if she doesn't want to slow motion break up with you, she does want to test drive another relationship and trade you into the dealership if she likes it.
The successful open relationships i've seen were along the lines of "we both like having sex with other people and are comfortable with it, and just don't really talk about it much besides boundaries" not so much "i'm enamored with this person and i want to spend more time with them!". I've seen a few instances of both, and the second type ALWAYS ends in a violent meltdown.
I realize you care for her, but it's probably not worth it to throw your heart into a volcano, get tortured by this, and probably just get dumped at the end anyways for essentially caring too much.
posted by emptythought at 1:51 PM on August 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
In retrospect,
I thought about it a lot and decided I couldn't do it like this. It felt wrong that it happen because there was someone she wanted to have an experience with. I wanted it to happen because we decided and it came out of our relationship, before anyone else was introduced.
Is the right idea, and probably the best way to go about it, but i really wonder how many people honestly start from there(or are honest with themselves about it). It's sort of like, everybody has a car in mind when they want to get a drivers license.
Another point though, is that i think many people fail at this and it ends in tears, and that those are mostly people with whom it was initiated when one party had someone else in mind already.
That out of the way... I said yes. I also had someone in mind, pretty quickly.
It was literally one of the most fucked up 6 mo-year of my entire life. I nearly drank myself to death, lashed out at people(phyiscally, even) and mercifully avoided jail that i probably deserved, and generally just had a Complete And Total Meltdown. It ended with multiple suicide attempts(i kicked down a door to find someone asphyxiating on their own vomit, awesome!) by different people involved, and moving.
I would go on to say we worked it all out, but it wasn't the same situation and it almost destroyed both of us. The relationship had to be rebuilt from not the ground up, but it took a long time to regain trust on my side, and i'm sure hers. We were both in it for the sex, not for alternate companionship when we started it. And reading your description, i really really see this as her essentially monkey-barring. Not letting go of one branch until she has a firm grip on the other so that she always has a backup plan.
It's emotional cowardice and disrespectful to everyone involved.
I basically have to conclude that if she doesn't want to slow motion break up with you, she does want to test drive another relationship and trade you into the dealership if she likes it.
The successful open relationships i've seen were along the lines of "we both like having sex with other people and are comfortable with it, and just don't really talk about it much besides boundaries" not so much "i'm enamored with this person and i want to spend more time with them!". I've seen a few instances of both, and the second type ALWAYS ends in a violent meltdown.
I realize you care for her, but it's probably not worth it to throw your heart into a volcano, get tortured by this, and probably just get dumped at the end anyways for essentially caring too much.
posted by emptythought at 1:51 PM on August 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
You want an *open* relationship. She wants a *poly* relationship. Neither is right or wrong but they are quite different things and sadly unless you can agree I think the best thing would be to break up and let her pursue this new relationship. Don't say you're okay with it if you're not. It's better to break up than to agree to something that is going to eat away at you. (Bitter experience speaking).
posted by intensitymultiply at 1:54 PM on August 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by intensitymultiply at 1:54 PM on August 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
She wants to break up with you but isn't admitting it to you or possibly even to herself.
posted by a strong female character at 2:51 PM on August 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by a strong female character at 2:51 PM on August 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
What everyone else is saying is probably true, but I want to meet you where you're at. You have very clear feelings:
I thought about it a lot and decided I couldn't do it like this. It felt wrong that it happen because there was someone she wanted to have an experience with. I wanted it to happen because we decided and it came out of our relationship, before anyone else was introduced.
...I'm afraid that if I compromise I won't be respecting my own feelings.
To me, that seems very clear. I think your reasons for changing your mind are weaker.
You're in a tough spot because you're trying to balance both of your needs whereas it doesn't sound like she necessarily is.
posted by salvia at 5:56 PM on August 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I thought about it a lot and decided I couldn't do it like this. It felt wrong that it happen because there was someone she wanted to have an experience with. I wanted it to happen because we decided and it came out of our relationship, before anyone else was introduced.
...I'm afraid that if I compromise I won't be respecting my own feelings.
To me, that seems very clear. I think your reasons for changing your mind are weaker.
You're in a tough spot because you're trying to balance both of your needs whereas it doesn't sound like she necessarily is.
posted by salvia at 5:56 PM on August 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Here's an idea: break up with her and take this opportunity to move closer to your child.
posted by bq at 7:36 PM on August 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by bq at 7:36 PM on August 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
It's a thing now to say "let's open up the relationship" when the problem is one of the people in it wants to go be with someone else but doesn't hate the person they're with. And it's not that people haven't been trying that since the beginning of time, but in the past couple of years it seems to have become a thing people say super-breezily, as if basically everyone is in an open relationship.
Real talk: almost nobody is in an open relationship. Not one that both parties are aware of, anyway. Not happily. It's incredibly rare, and incredibly hard.
What you're suffering is the classic have cake/eat cake conundrum. She makes you dance in dirt etc, but also wishes to leave you to be with someone else. You don't want this to happen. The only compromise you can find there, because there's not many that don't involve hostage situations, is "open" whatever.
This puts her in a weird spot, especially if she's not extremely decisive, especially if she's socialized, as a woman, to be nice to everyone and not rock the boat and not be selfish. Sure, she says, let's do...that thing.
I feel for you. Been there, done that, posted the agonized plea to a newsgroup in the wee hours of the morning. Tried it. Was not good at it. It seems like such a miraculous solution to this manic gut-tearing horrible fear-pain of not being in this relationship anymore. But look around: how many people do you know who've made this work? How many of your friends' parents, your high school classmates, your coworkers? Unless you are a person who knows to your toes that you cannot live in monogamy, this is going to buy you weeks or months at best.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:41 PM on August 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
Real talk: almost nobody is in an open relationship. Not one that both parties are aware of, anyway. Not happily. It's incredibly rare, and incredibly hard.
What you're suffering is the classic have cake/eat cake conundrum. She makes you dance in dirt etc, but also wishes to leave you to be with someone else. You don't want this to happen. The only compromise you can find there, because there's not many that don't involve hostage situations, is "open" whatever.
This puts her in a weird spot, especially if she's not extremely decisive, especially if she's socialized, as a woman, to be nice to everyone and not rock the boat and not be selfish. Sure, she says, let's do...that thing.
I feel for you. Been there, done that, posted the agonized plea to a newsgroup in the wee hours of the morning. Tried it. Was not good at it. It seems like such a miraculous solution to this manic gut-tearing horrible fear-pain of not being in this relationship anymore. But look around: how many people do you know who've made this work? How many of your friends' parents, your high school classmates, your coworkers? Unless you are a person who knows to your toes that you cannot live in monogamy, this is going to buy you weeks or months at best.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:41 PM on August 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
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posted by orange swan at 4:27 AM on August 26, 2015 [22 favorites]