Should I give him another chance?
August 23, 2015 6:12 PM   Subscribe

I met this guy on OKcupid who seemed really, really perfect for me on paper. We talked for a couple weeks before he suggested meeting in person. I was nervous - I didn't want to mess it up since we seemed SO compatible. But the date was... awkward. Very awkward. He was clearly nervous and we just couldn't hold out a conversation. Should I give him another chance?

I would typically move on, but I feel really stuck on this guy since we seemed SO compatible on paper and when we were messaging. He's interested in all the same things I am, he seems very progressive (which is important to me), he seems respectful... I felt like he was a checklist of everything I wanted.

He still is all of those things. But he was so awkward in person. I mean, he literally could not talk to me. It was like I would say something and he just wouldn't reply because he couldn't. He kept asking me the same questions because he didn't know what to say. He also seemed to be struggling to hold eye contact. He wants to be an ER physician and I therefore imagined him being really calm and collected, so this was a surprise. It's really important to me that I be able to communicate well with someone I'm dating. We talked very well online, but the rapport wasn't there today. At all.

I feel like I got really attached to the idea of him. I decided almost instantly after meeting him that it wasn't going to work. But, as time goes on, I wonder if he was just really, really nervous and if it would be better if we tried going out again, just so we were both more comfortable. I was really nervous because it felt like a "high stakes" date since we clicked so well. Maybe he felt the same way. It'd be nice to do a more activity-based activity, like kayaking or hiking. Less stress to constantly be talking.

What do you think, MeFi? My one friend told me that research suggests that you know within five minutes whether or not you'll see them again, which gave me zero hope. Have you ever had a really awkward, not-feeling-it date that blossomed into a good relationship? My other friend said to try texting him and at least say it was nice meeting him, but I'm just not sure what to do here.
posted by Amy93 to Human Relations (62 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
I think one more try is in order! You sound like you want to. If you don't try, you'll always wonder if the first date was a fluke.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:14 PM on August 23, 2015 [25 favorites]


Nope, nope, move on. When you meet someone you ACTUALLY click with, you will feel the opposite of how you felt with this guy. This was pixels on a screen.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:14 PM on August 23, 2015


I would try again but really...think about whether you want to be with someone who reacts this way when they're under stress. Life is stressful.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 6:21 PM on August 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


Pass.
posted by simulacra at 6:21 PM on August 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Go on another date but give yourself permission to bail early on if it's not clicking. And I'm talking, like, 30 minutes tops. That'll rule out the possibility that date one was a horrible, awkward fluke and give him a second chance.

You don't have to be crafty or rude about it if it's not working. He'll be there, too. Unless he is a complete doofus, he'll be able to notice that things aren't going well. It's kind of funny, actually, and you can call it out as such. "Dude, we are just not clicking at all. I've really had a great time getting to know you over messaging, but in person..." and then you can make a gesture like your hands are going splat and make a fart noise with your mouth, or really whatever feels right to you. But hey! Maybe he'll get over whatever this is and you'll have a grand time! Who knows.

Just make a promise to yourself that you're not going to suffer another whole date just for the sake of politeness.
posted by phunniemee at 6:22 PM on August 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Aw, come on. Give the guy one more chance. It can't hurt, and then you'll know for sure. If you don't you might always wonder how it might have gone if neither of you had been nervous.
posted by mulcahy at 6:25 PM on August 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


I've met a lot of guys who were perfect on paper, with whom I did not click in person. It's not unusual at all.

You can meet up with him again or not, it's completely up to you (and him of course).
posted by bunderful at 6:27 PM on August 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


I'd give it another go if you REALLY enjoy the way he communicates over text, and everything else seems good. It's not at all outside the realms of possibility that's he's really into you and is having a hard time keeping it together, and he'll mellow out a bit on the 2nd date.

My ex-wife nearly didn't go on a 2nd date with me because of my nerves, but her friend (now a good friend of mine) talked her into it, because our first date was a weird high-stress situation, and our relationship got very click-y pretty quickly after the 2nd. We were always click-y over text, but it took a while for that to fully translate into the real world.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 6:29 PM on August 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


I say yes, one more shot. On his terms, maybe? Let him pick the place if he didn't the first time. Find somewhere that he is totally comfortable.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:31 PM on August 23, 2015


Give it another shot. What do you have to lose?
posted by un petit cadeau at 6:32 PM on August 23, 2015 [8 favorites]


You say he was nervous and what you describe sounds like bad nerves, so why act like he is some kind of awkward freak when he was clearly nervous meeting you? You even admit you felt nervous too because of your high hopes, so it's reasonable to think maybe it was the same for him. Ignore your "one friend's" advice -- there are stories of people who know each other for years and then later realize they are compatible/in love. The five-minutes thing strikes me as totally ridiculous. I don't see what the big deal would be in at least giving it a second chance. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If it turns out he really is just an awkward weirdo, you never have to see him again. But at least you won't wonder.
posted by AppleTurnover at 6:32 PM on August 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


No, move on. The reason you meet people in person is to see if the attraction that you should feel "on paper" exists face to face. It doesn't, you've learned this, so move on.
posted by MoonOrb at 6:36 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


There's this saying that when a concert violinist steps on a creaky plank during a recital, she won't be able to get off that plank for the entire concert, no matter how hard she tries.

Translated to a first date, if someone is that paralysed by debut-nerves, there's little chance of solving it on that same day.
Give him a second chance, is what I want to say.
posted by Namlit at 6:39 PM on August 23, 2015 [8 favorites]


I'd give him one more shot. maybe he's terribly shy and/or hasn't dated in a while? as long as he's not a total creeper..
posted by lunastellasol at 6:40 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


I would ask him if he'd like to take another shot*. Everyone has bad days, and if this was one and he's at home kicking himself you could totally turn it around next time.

Otherwise if he's like "you remind me of my least favorite aunt" or "I'm allergic to you" or whatever you can just shrug and laugh and move on.

*If you cannot have this kind of grown-up conversation with someone, you shouldn't be dating them.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:40 PM on August 23, 2015 [10 favorites]


Give it another shot. I think you need to get some more data and that is what dating is all about.

I think having a checklist of what you need in a partner is very important. (Or else you are kind of just wandering aimless and not looking for the things that are ultimately going to make you happy. Good for you!) When you just are communicating in the beginning, what you are seeing is the possibility that they are can check those boxes; it takes a lot of interaction until you can get the data to verify your initial reads. All the reason to give people a few dates to see if it clicks. Some of the bigger items on the checklist, like are they trustworthy people, takes much longer to verify.
posted by incolorinred at 6:42 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


My other friend said to try texting him and at least say it was nice meeting him, but I'm just not sure what to do here.

Wait, I missed this the first time. It's standard to text/call to say you had a nice time no matter what. Even if you had a not great time. What contact have you had with this guy since your date? If it's been more than 24 hours, he probably already assumes you aren't into him.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:44 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


I didn't care for my husband all that much the first time I met him; he barely said a word and seemed like a nervous wreck. The second date was waaaay different, and generally, we're so well-matched it's almost ridiculous. I tend to think "you can tell within five minutes" stuff mostly just has to do with sexual attraction, which doesn't develop immediately in all cases.

I think you should go out with the guy one more time, but yeah, give yourself permission in advance to bail early if it's just clearly not working at all.
posted by holborne at 6:44 PM on August 23, 2015 [15 favorites]


I'm surprised at how many people are saying no to another date. Personally, I give a lot of leeway for getting-to-know-you nerves, like 2-3 dates if I think there is possible potential but not quite clicking yet. However, I admit to being the sort of person who is slow to warm up to anyone in person so maybe that is why I'm usually generous about shyness or awkwardness. Still I think if you had high hopes and he seemed promising, agreeing to another date with him seems ok to me! The alternative is forever wondering what could have been.
posted by MeFiMouse at 6:48 PM on August 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


I'm throwing this out there as an idea that might be too awkward to put into practice, but what about asking him what was going on and how he feels about it.

"I was really looking forward to meeting you, but something about our date felt like it didn't click. Did it feel kind of awkward to you? Do you think we should try again or just take it as a sign from the gods that we just aren't meant to be?"

I mean, it's possible that this guy just has no face-to-face social skills whatsoever and will always and forever be like this. Or that he reacts incredibly poorly to stress and will melt down at the slightest provocation. Or that he just had a bad night and a second date might go better. If he's the great guy he appears to be on paper, you can have a conversation with him about this.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:49 PM on August 23, 2015 [27 favorites]


Like MeFiMouse, I just don't see what you have to lose by saying no to a second date. Say he's the exact same; you've confirmed your issues with the guy, you bail, you're done. Say he relaxes and you see more of the guy whose profile and messages were so endearing - things get more exciting.

I just feel like if you cut it off right away, you'll always wonder. I know A LOT OF PEOPLE who just are not remotely themselves when they're nervous, and I'm one of them.
posted by ORthey at 6:52 PM on August 23, 2015


Try a second one.

I had an OKCupid date with someone who was a 98 or 99% match, and seemed great on paper. First date was kinda terrible. Second was worse. Without that one, I might've never known. Can't hurt to give it another shot.
posted by Slinga at 6:53 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Thanks for the replies. I'll text him, give it another shot. I agree about having a checklist (though I think it's VERY important to be lenient) which is part of why I'm so baffled. He checked all the boxes. Normally if the date is awkward or lacking in initial chemistry there's also some kind of fatal flaw to confirm that it's not going to work. No fatal flaw here, just awkwardness.

I think if he has NO face-to-face skills to speak of then it won't work. He's still a great guy; I just don't know if I could deal with that. But he must have some? He must be able to deal with stress somehow. He couldn't be a firefighter/EMT/aspiring ER physician if he couldn't handle stress well. My assumption would be that he can't handle, well, girls. I know that for myself I can be VERY nervous and awkward (which is a lot better since I've been addressing the nerves and getting help for it) but I can also be a great conversationalist, very social, etc. so he could well have another, really good side.

I'll text him now. I don't think he's going to text me.
posted by Amy93 at 6:55 PM on August 23, 2015 [7 favorites]


Give it one more try. Sounds like he really wanted to capture the chemistry you both have through text but tangled himself up trying to figure out how to do so. I'll bet he's just absolutely kicking himself now for messing up the date.

One suggestion: Make the second date one where you both show each other something that really, really excites you. Going somewhere where he gets to explain something he loves may be just the thing that moves him past his nerves, and showing him something you love will give him something to react to, as well. (Also it's only fair.)
posted by greenland at 7:00 PM on August 23, 2015


Two things are at work here. There's the issue of giving someone a second chance after an awkward first date; I say try it unless you're really not feeling it. There's also the issue of someone seeming absolutely perfect online, but the chemistry disappearing once you meet in person. He might still be a great partner, but I have a feeling that even at his least awkward he's not going to be exactly what you'd built up in your head. If you do go on that second date, compare it to the first date rather than how he came across online.

My one friend told me that research suggests that you know within five minutes whether or not you'll see them again

This sounds completely bogus.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:01 PM on August 23, 2015


I've had this happen after waiting too long to meet. Everything's been in text, which is hard to bridge to real life. He may have been nervous because of this tension.
posted by rhizome at 7:08 PM on August 23, 2015


He must be able to deal with stress somehow. He couldn't be a firefighter/EMT/aspiring ER physician if he couldn't handle stress well.

Are you sure this stuff is true?
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:08 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


I am that awkward first date, epitomised. Look, I work on my social anxiety constantly, and with people I know well (colleagues, friends, family) it barely shows. And with people I have scripts with (baristas, doctors, bus drivers), ditto. But I totally suck at first dates. The guys who persist often end up being long term friends (and/or lovers), but that first date usually rules me out. I reckon, give it another go - you lose an hour?
posted by b33j at 7:08 PM on August 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


I have no reason to believe he's not an actual EMT/firefighter. He has pictures in the firetruck, in uniform.

Of course, if he's lying, goodbye.
posted by Amy93 at 7:09 PM on August 23, 2015


The thing is, different things stress people out in different ways. Some people are cool with spiders, some aren't. Some people do well in social situations, some don't.

It's entirely possible that he can handle a burning building better than a first date.
posted by mikurski at 7:13 PM on August 23, 2015 [22 favorites]


Give him one more chance, and this time do something more active than sitting in a restaurant. Having something to do may loosen him up and break the ice more. Walk, hike, golf, whatever, as long as it's outdoors and not sitting staring at each other.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 7:21 PM on August 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


To add to what mikurski said, online dating, when you think about it, is a profoundly weird thing and how good you're at it doesn't correlate well with your overall level of social competence. There aren't many social contexts like it. Heck, it's not even like a traditional first date where you've already met face to face. That, and meeting off OKC, you have all the background information available to you already, which can either be unreasonable-expectation-building and/or stress-inducing. I'd go as far to say that online dating is a skill unto itself that takes real practice and exposure to get good at, and doesn't really translate well to other social contexts.
posted by un petit cadeau at 7:27 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Right, so at this point he hasn't contacted you?

Ok, if he is SUPER enthusiatic to meet up with you, like, obviously relieved you're giving it another chance despite his 'nervousness' (since if that was the case, that would be one of the reasons disregard the initial meeting), then go ahead with another meetup.

If he isn't, then give it up as a bad cause. 'On paper' only counts for so much in real life.
posted by Elysum at 7:28 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Listen, I worked as a firefighter, I'm pretty great in crisis situations, and I was so nervous on my last first date that the guy I later went on to have a LTR with thought I hated him because I was just resting bitchface so hard.

The two kind of stress are not comparable AT ALL, if that helps make your decision any clearer. You can be 100% fine in a burning house, or with someone bleeding out on you, and still wish the ground would open and swallow you on a first date. Just... FYI.
posted by WidgetAlley at 8:08 PM on August 23, 2015 [13 favorites]


I agree with those saying you should give it another shot (and I see in your followups that you're going to. Hope it works out! Fingers crossed!), but I just wanted to comment on this:

We talked for a couple weeks before he suggested meeting in person.

In general, I think a lot of back and forth online before meeting someone can be a waste of time and emotional energy, for exactly this reason. It's so easy to build up this idea of someone in your head that reality can't match. I don't think you've ruined your chances with this guy or anything (if the two of you ever had a shot of working, you still do), but in the future I think you could save time by asking to meet IRL sooner.
posted by jcreigh at 8:25 PM on August 23, 2015


When I first started online dating, I did the whole chat for two weeks, talk on the phone, then eventually meet thing. Quickly with experience I cut out all of that and started meeting guys within 2 or 3 messages. I honesty think that's a far better way to go. It weeds out people who don't actually live in the real world.
posted by quincunx at 8:36 PM on August 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


He couldn't be a firefighter/EMT/aspiring ER physician if he couldn't handle stress well.

This is a very different kind of stress to social relationship anxiety. In a work role, he has a bounded, task-focused job to do. Interactions can be managed pretty easily---he can be calm, cool and collected, because he know exactly what's expected and he know he can meet those expectations.

If he's not an experienced dater he doesn't have that assurance or the confidence. In some ways emergency and high pressure situations are almost easy to manage (if you can cope). Social situations, however, can be paralytic.

This is not to say you should give him another chance or not, but falling apart on a date like that isn't at all inconsistent with being a good firefighter or EMT. On the contrary, it's relatively common.
posted by bonehead at 9:10 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


You should go for it next time. Evening date, you both get there by Uber or public transport, meet in a bar, drinks, nice meal somewhere nearby not too formal (with drinks), then see how it goes. Shy people need alcohol to get anywhere on an early date.
posted by w0mbat at 9:40 PM on August 23, 2015


Give him another chance. At worst, you'll just have another awkward time, at best, you'll find it was just nerves.

I was always REALLY awkward going on dates, can't say I ever had a really good date and it was all my fault. I'm a good enough person but it takes me a while to "loosen up" socially and feel confident enough to be myself with someone new. Could be his deal too. (Lucky for me I married a guy from within my group of friends so there was no first date to eff up)
posted by CrazyLemonade at 9:46 PM on August 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


I once went on a first date under similar circumstances -- he ticked all the boxes, and we'd been very successfully talking for weeks before meeting up. (We couldn't meet up sooner for logistical reasons.) That first date was super awkward. We were both really nervous and feeling a lot of pressure, and there was no chemistry. But we discussed it afterwards and decided to try again the next night, and the second date went like gangbusters and led to a relationship with PLENTY of chemistry. It happens. If you want to give it another shot, do it -- you can always move on after that one.
posted by Ragini at 9:52 PM on August 23, 2015


I always feel really old when these conversations come up, because I was young like five minutes ago, and now all relationships seem to start among strangers on the web and then go on via texting and then meet in real life, whereas I always met people in real life and might not communicate by written word until months or years later. But...

Wouldn't it make sense to actually talk to one another on the phone? Some people are really smart and funny and creative without having to try -- when they're typing -- but being in person makes them nervous. He couldn't make eye contact? Maybe he was having a horrible day, or maybe he's a really nervous guy, but what possible harm could come from talking on the phone -- y'know, that's what they were invented for -- and communicate naturally. If he can't talk to you on the phone, then it'll probably won't get better in person, but typing seems like a horrible way to get to know someone.

That said, someone can tick all the right boxes on paper and be wrong for you, and someone can NOT tick any of the right boxes (and even some of the wrong ones) on paper and be the perfect person to make you happy. We humans are weird like that.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 10:05 PM on August 23, 2015


Tough call. I've been a few dates in the last year or two. There's really no heuristic ('Give everyone two dates.')

My gut lean would be no. You seem to have some reservations. If anything, online dating hammers home the point that 'Wow, there sure are a lot of people out there.'

It's not really a good idea to start things off with a weird-accommodation-for-potential-match drawbacks. Are you going to consistently soothe this person's social anxiety for the remainder of your proposed relationship? Does that even sound like fun?

I would underline what others have pointed out: My #1 learning has been 'Get 'em in person, as fast as possible.'
posted by mrdaneri at 12:21 AM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


I wonder what would happen if you said something like "I was really looking forward to our date and we have all this great stuff in common, but then when we got together you seemed really nervous. Is there some way we could try this again, so you'll be less nervous?" Just put it out there and see.

Either he is incredibly awkward around everybody or he REALLY likes you... or both. It sounds like he had a total meltdown, and I feel for the guy. I've had situations where everything was great on paper but we didn't click in person. It happens. But it sounds like you're hoping to try again and I'm guessing he's super into you, so I say give it another go.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 12:42 AM on August 24, 2015


Maybe he was struggling to talk because you've chatted so much already?

I've definitely found that it can be awkward "meeting" someone for the first time when you've already spoken loads as all the small talk has already been done, but you don't want to get really deep on the first date.

Give it another shot!
posted by chrispy108 at 1:01 AM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


I vote sure, go out one more time. The awkwardness is one thing, although being unable to talk is kind of ridiculous.

To me, the bigger issue is that he hasn't contacted you since the date. It's possible he was awkward because he wasn't into you. And if he is into you, it doesn't bode well for your future relationship that he can't be bothered to text you.

posted by kinetic at 3:14 AM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Here's a question I haven't seen addressed. Who initiated the first face to face date? Was it you? You are clearly thinking about initiating possible date number two.

I'm guessing you initiated the first date, and here's why--all that chatting/texting/emailing lead up. It took longer than expected for someone to make the pitch to meet... And I'm betting he didn't because he's really, really socially inept in person. Some people are totally different socially online, way mor confident, than in person.

I say: if you are the one who proposed the first date, don't propose the second. You like the idea of him more than the real him. If you pursue this because the idea of him is so great, you are setting yourself up to carry all the emotional labor in this relationship. Beware.
posted by Sublimity at 4:17 AM on August 24, 2015 [5 favorites]


Jeez. Harsh crowd. I've been that guy, and there have been times where I knew it was likely we'd have clicked had there been less stress. Hell, sometimes we do click at the end of the date after a couple drinks.

What's the downside of giving it another shot?
posted by persona au gratin at 5:11 AM on August 24, 2015 [9 favorites]


I think Sublimity said it really well.

It's really easy (and why I think you should meet up, as soon as possible, with a minimum of emails and texts) to wrap yourself up in idea of a person, especially when all you have is typically a few photos, a few emails, and your own romantic stirrings.

But like I said, no heuristics. I've had a couple dates literally stand up, and walk out at about the 20 minute mark, saying 'Honestly, I'm not feeling it.' Which sounds brutally harsh, until you realize what a generous and fair thing that is to do. I've had others go for four hours, until we talked ourselves hoarse. No way to predict these things.
posted by mrdaneri at 6:37 AM on August 24, 2015


I vote for- your instincts are probably right, but if it's gnawing at you, you might as well meet again (something easily escape-able and low-stakes, like coffee during the day).

And I agree with the others- meeting in person after several messages (to determine that at least you might have something to talk about/the other person might interest you) is best.
posted by bearette at 6:51 AM on August 24, 2015


If it had been me, I probably would have sent him a very up-front email. Acknowledge the awkwardness, and see if he has anything reasonable to say about it that would convince you otherwise.

"Hey, I'm really glad we had the chance to get together on Friday. (and say something positive and specific about what you did) It was very different from all the texting we did before that. I was really looking forward to meeting you in person because we got along so well online - who would have thought we both $thing (another positive and specific example). It seemed to me, though, that we were having trouble keeping up conversation when we were face to face. Were you nervous? Do you feel that we still "clicked"? I was, honestly, hoping for a more natural feeling conversation. If you'd like to give it another shot, I could be convinced to try again."

I totally get that when something looks good on paper, you want to give it an honest try before giving up, and I can see that he could be a good guy and maybe even a good match for you. I hear the comments about judging somebody by a snap decision and how that's unfair to the socially-cautious, so you should give him a chance. I hear the replies that it sounds like you don't want to date someone who's socially-cautious. I think that by spelling out your doubts, and letting him reply over email (apparently his most-comfortable medium) you're giving him a chance but not a blank check for another date.
posted by aimedwander at 8:12 AM on August 24, 2015


FWIW I just read Aziz Ansari's excellent book/study, Modern Romance, and he really advocates that it's worthwhile to go on more 3rd and 4th dates with people who had a lot of potential but with whom you didn't have amazing chemistry, as opposed to going on a ton of 1st dates and looking for immediate fireworks. It can take time to build up a rapport and comfort with people, and a lot of great relationships are built on some shared foundation.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 8:35 AM on August 24, 2015 [4 favorites]


It's a sweet idea, and I'd love to see it catch on. However, in any urban area, the strategy is precluded by game theory, in my read. Online dating services have both lowered the opportunity cost and increased fungibility. We're all essentially identical units of desire, replaceable almost instantly.

The strategy that is demanded by the market is rapid taste tests, until you hit gold. 3 or 4 dates would incur a huge opportunity cost, thus that strategy is rejected by all players.
posted by mrdaneri at 10:03 AM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


To clarify my earlier answer, I definitely think you should go again, but you should also consider that "completely shuts down when he's socially stressed or nervous to the point of being non-functional" is something that you now know about him. It's a really, really important data point.

If you are looking for someone who can go out and easily socialize with your friends, or who will not make holidays with your family awkward if a new person shows up, or who will love to meet people with you when you go do activities together...this might not be the guy for you. Maybe he's more of a good friend. And that's okay, and doesn't make him a bad person, or mean that we're being harsh or that we hate him!

I personally tend to date people who are not great socializers. Sometimes it's fine with me (I enjoy socializing without my significant other and having an independent travel/social life--so if they're not okay with me doing that it doesn't work).

Sometimes it really sucks (when they offend or bother my friends by being non-communicative; when I have to do all of the practical social tasks that being an adult couple requires; when we have a disagreement and they shut down because they're nervous).

But it's a tradeoff, and one you should seriously consider if you're looking for a partner for social activities, or someone who is going to be able to communicate well when you're angry or upset.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 10:07 AM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


The strategy that is demanded by the market is rapid taste tests, until you hit gold. 3 or 4 dates would incur a huge opportunity cost, thus that strategy is rejected by all players.


But "gold" is not "really good at first dates" it's "someone I want to [date long-term, marry, have kids with, start a cult with]".
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 10:10 AM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Agreed. But why discriminate? Plenty more identical units of desire await your IM, and one of those is likely to have both properties.
posted by mrdaneri at 10:20 AM on August 24, 2015


He initiated the date. It took a while to meet him because he was in the process of moving when we started to talk. I do like to talk a bit before meeting, though, so talking less online is something to consider.

I texted him last night, saying it was nice to meet him. He hasn't replied. I was going to say something about the date being awkward but there being potential, etc. later on, but I don't think I'm gonna hear from him. I wonder if he just want feeling it, either, making the awkwardness worse.

Oh well. You win some, you lose some.
posted by Amy93 at 10:20 AM on August 24, 2015 [4 favorites]


My guess is that he is horribly embarrassed about how awkward it was and that's why he isn't responding. I think that if you like him, jacquilynne's idea of texting him and acknowledging what happened and asking whether he'd like to try again is going to be a lot more likely to be successful then pretending it never happened will be.
posted by zug at 1:02 PM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


Ball's in his court, now. You can't say you didn't try!
posted by Solon and Thanks at 2:10 PM on August 24, 2015


For future reference, I have never clicked on the first date. Some people need some time for the ice to break, no exceptions, no-matter how great for each other we are.

It's a pain in the ass that so many people believe that if there isn't "something" right away then move on. That misconception has cost both me and them some potentially amazing matches.
posted by anonymisc at 4:53 PM on August 24, 2015


Yeah, this idea of being spontaneous and "clicking" right away is a little wrongheaded. Someone upthread said that if he's stressed now he'll turn out to be chronically stressed - what hokum. As if a first, blind date were a common situation. Also: Have you ever met someone you liked and got along with at first, like a co-worker, who you eventually couldn't stand?
posted by Rich Smorgasbord at 8:31 PM on August 24, 2015


Or the opposite, which happened to me: a coworker that I couldn't STAND when I first met him, but now we're really good friends?

I hope he texts you back, and you guys are able to try again.
posted by RogueTech at 9:13 PM on August 24, 2015


Haha one of my OKCupid dates is IN Aziz's book(!) My ex-GF somehow heard he was looking for stories and she contributed the story of how we met. But obv, it didn't last.

FWIW I just read Aziz Ansari's excellent book/study, Modern Romance, and he really advocates that it's worthwhile to go on more 3rd and 4th dates with people who had a lot of potential...

Amy93: Of course you should give him another chance. Just as you would like to get another chance if you were awkward on a date. I'm amazed by how unforgiving people seem to be in the world of online dating.
posted by quickfyi at 8:48 PM on November 7, 2015


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