How do I not hate myself for all this?
August 18, 2015 12:45 PM Subscribe
It will come as no surprise to some folks here that I am making such a post; however, many deeply felt frustrations have started to arise since I started college in April.
What I am having trouble dealing with are these feelings of hopeless inadequacy, and, despite how immature it might be, feelings of fatigue, of internal exhaustion, in trying live this life.
While in college what I really hate about myself is that, for as long as I can remember, no matter how hard I try, I feel like I am always the dumb student, my ability to write coherently notwithstanding. Each day I watch students on their mobile phones, playing games online, not paying any attention whatsoever in class, yet those same students have higher marks than me, accomplish the assignments faster than me, and overall have more success in academics than I do.
How is this to be explained when I am a brilliant and remarkable individual, or so I am told by my therapist, people online, and my GF?
On that note, after the feeling of intense frustration and self-hatred have passed, I feel overwhelmed with fatigue, of mental and physical exhaustion from being me.
From the time I came out of my mother's womb, according to my therapist, I have had to overcome serious and de-humanizing obstacles. Born autistic, my dad used to anally rape me as a kid after he finished beating me, and at a fairly early age (8-years-old) I tried to commit suicide. Finally, high school came, with the expected social rejection coupled with destructive self-harm, and, near the end of high school when my dad shot himself, impoverishment. With a nearly unemployable mother and unable to find funding for me to attend university, I got a commercial driver's license to work as a truck driver to support my mother and myself, until that nearly killed me last winter and rendered me unable to drive commercially henceforth.
Now, as I struggle through college with massive student loans to hopefully find work in software development, I struggle with resentment towards my wealthy classmates that seem to vomit perfection all over their desks along with a couple $20 bills their parents gave them.
How do I learn not to hate myself for all this?
What I am having trouble dealing with are these feelings of hopeless inadequacy, and, despite how immature it might be, feelings of fatigue, of internal exhaustion, in trying live this life.
While in college what I really hate about myself is that, for as long as I can remember, no matter how hard I try, I feel like I am always the dumb student, my ability to write coherently notwithstanding. Each day I watch students on their mobile phones, playing games online, not paying any attention whatsoever in class, yet those same students have higher marks than me, accomplish the assignments faster than me, and overall have more success in academics than I do.
How is this to be explained when I am a brilliant and remarkable individual, or so I am told by my therapist, people online, and my GF?
On that note, after the feeling of intense frustration and self-hatred have passed, I feel overwhelmed with fatigue, of mental and physical exhaustion from being me.
From the time I came out of my mother's womb, according to my therapist, I have had to overcome serious and de-humanizing obstacles. Born autistic, my dad used to anally rape me as a kid after he finished beating me, and at a fairly early age (8-years-old) I tried to commit suicide. Finally, high school came, with the expected social rejection coupled with destructive self-harm, and, near the end of high school when my dad shot himself, impoverishment. With a nearly unemployable mother and unable to find funding for me to attend university, I got a commercial driver's license to work as a truck driver to support my mother and myself, until that nearly killed me last winter and rendered me unable to drive commercially henceforth.
Now, as I struggle through college with massive student loans to hopefully find work in software development, I struggle with resentment towards my wealthy classmates that seem to vomit perfection all over their desks along with a couple $20 bills their parents gave them.
How do I learn not to hate myself for all this?
And I also want to add, I tried to go to college, I was very bad at it. I quit twice. I never got a degree. I'm not saying that will happen to you, but I think it's important to know, not everyone finds academia easy.
Do not compare yourself to others, it will drive you crazy. I try to feel lucky for being who I am, I feel like I have more appreciation for life than those who have had everything handed to them.
posted by shesbenevolent at 12:56 PM on August 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Do not compare yourself to others, it will drive you crazy. I try to feel lucky for being who I am, I feel like I have more appreciation for life than those who have had everything handed to them.
posted by shesbenevolent at 12:56 PM on August 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Please believe me when I say that academic success has very little to do with intelligence, and is largely a set of learned and coded behaviors. Many of your classmates have been carefully trained in those behaviors for their entire lives, which is why it seems so easy for them. (Note that I say "seem"-- one of the other things many of them are skilled at is "seeming okay". Many of them are certainly struggling in a way that is invisible to any outside viewer.)
Please also believe me when I say that an individual's value has absolutely zero to do with academic success. Some of the most unpleasant and destructive people in the world are talented academics. They are still human wastelands.
If you want actual support/advice for navigating academia, many people here (myself included) can give you advice. But it is vital for your well-being to realize that the ability to decipher the complex and often-unspoken codes of academic culture bears no reflection on your intelligence, or even your ability to do the work you wish to do. People who fail college classes rarely fail because of inability to do the work or lack of intelligence. In fact, they often fail because they assume that ability and smarts are going to be enough, when instead things like “completing University required elements in a measurable way” or “ability to speak about a topic coherently without immediately melting down and admitting that you didn’t do the reading” or “handing in one required piece of paperwork that you were reminded about 87 times” or “going to a professor’s office hours when you first begin to feel overwhelmed, rather than waiting until after the final exam” are the real keys to success. (I am not saying that any of these are things you're doing, they are just examples of seemingly pointless but secretly vital academic skills a lot of students ignore.)
I’m not saying any of those are you, and I can’t say for sure why you are struggling right now. But I do know for sure that struggling in college says NOTHING about your intelligence and your ability to succeed.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 1:23 PM on August 18, 2015 [16 favorites]
Please also believe me when I say that an individual's value has absolutely zero to do with academic success. Some of the most unpleasant and destructive people in the world are talented academics. They are still human wastelands.
If you want actual support/advice for navigating academia, many people here (myself included) can give you advice. But it is vital for your well-being to realize that the ability to decipher the complex and often-unspoken codes of academic culture bears no reflection on your intelligence, or even your ability to do the work you wish to do. People who fail college classes rarely fail because of inability to do the work or lack of intelligence. In fact, they often fail because they assume that ability and smarts are going to be enough, when instead things like “completing University required elements in a measurable way” or “ability to speak about a topic coherently without immediately melting down and admitting that you didn’t do the reading” or “handing in one required piece of paperwork that you were reminded about 87 times” or “going to a professor’s office hours when you first begin to feel overwhelmed, rather than waiting until after the final exam” are the real keys to success. (I am not saying that any of these are things you're doing, they are just examples of seemingly pointless but secretly vital academic skills a lot of students ignore.)
I’m not saying any of those are you, and I can’t say for sure why you are struggling right now. But I do know for sure that struggling in college says NOTHING about your intelligence and your ability to succeed.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 1:23 PM on August 18, 2015 [16 favorites]
You've had a raw deal. PTSD is a real thing. I hope you are getting the therapy you need.
I took some programming classes, and it seemed like other students found it so much easier. I learned that many of my classmates were working as programmers, taking a course to pick up a new language or to complete degrees. Many of my classmates were taking the course for a 2nd time, having failed it the 1st time. Many of my classmates were not terribly truthful about how well they were actually doing in class. You have no idea what's going on with other students, so, hard as it is, work on not comparing yourself to them.
.. feelings of hopeless inadequacy, and, despite how immature it might be, feelings of fatigue, of internal exhaustion, in trying live this life. ... overwhelmed with fatigue, of mental and physical exhaustion from being me. I struggle with resentment... How do I learn not to hate myself for all this?
You have had a terrible, awful time. You lack accurate socialization about what the world is and should be like. You haven't gotten the love and safety and nurturing you need(ed) and deserve(d). As much as possible, pay attention to what healthy looks like. Nurture and love yourself. I like this on fb https://www.facebook.com/elephantjournal, look for additional safe places to get nurtured and affirmed. Many more links in the Mefi wiki under There is help.
It's so hard to learn this if oyu didn't learn it as a child, but these things are True:
You are lovable.
You deserve love.
You deserve a place in the world.
There is hope.
posted by theora55 at 1:32 PM on August 18, 2015 [9 favorites]
I took some programming classes, and it seemed like other students found it so much easier. I learned that many of my classmates were working as programmers, taking a course to pick up a new language or to complete degrees. Many of my classmates were taking the course for a 2nd time, having failed it the 1st time. Many of my classmates were not terribly truthful about how well they were actually doing in class. You have no idea what's going on with other students, so, hard as it is, work on not comparing yourself to them.
.. feelings of hopeless inadequacy, and, despite how immature it might be, feelings of fatigue, of internal exhaustion, in trying live this life. ... overwhelmed with fatigue, of mental and physical exhaustion from being me. I struggle with resentment... How do I learn not to hate myself for all this?
You have had a terrible, awful time. You lack accurate socialization about what the world is and should be like. You haven't gotten the love and safety and nurturing you need(ed) and deserve(d). As much as possible, pay attention to what healthy looks like. Nurture and love yourself. I like this on fb https://www.facebook.com/elephantjournal, look for additional safe places to get nurtured and affirmed. Many more links in the Mefi wiki under There is help.
It's so hard to learn this if oyu didn't learn it as a child, but these things are True:
You are lovable.
You deserve love.
You deserve a place in the world.
There is hope.
posted by theora55 at 1:32 PM on August 18, 2015 [9 favorites]
If you just started college and are studying software engineering, a lot of your classmates already know the material. They might have taken AP Computer Science or some other equivalent high school class. Many of them have certainly been programming seriously for several years. They are only taking this class to fulfill a requirement, to pad their GPA, to bolster their egos, or perhaps because they know it will be easy but think the next level class might be a tad too difficult.
1) Don't compare yourself to these people, it's apples to oranges.
2) Many of them are masking their own insecurity with arrogance about their (actually pretty rudimentary) programming skills.
3) Their advantage will go away as you continue in the curriculum.
It's also okay to get bad grades. Ds get Degrees, as they say, and if you can build up a portfolio of work, you'll be employable even with a poor GPA.
posted by vogon_poet at 1:36 PM on August 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
1) Don't compare yourself to these people, it's apples to oranges.
2) Many of them are masking their own insecurity with arrogance about their (actually pretty rudimentary) programming skills.
3) Their advantage will go away as you continue in the curriculum.
It's also okay to get bad grades. Ds get Degrees, as they say, and if you can build up a portfolio of work, you'll be employable even with a poor GPA.
posted by vogon_poet at 1:36 PM on August 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
I remember you from your previous questions. I'm sorry things are not getting better.
I strongly stick with the advice given to you in earlier questions. This is not about other students, this is a much deeper and more pervasive issue. Focusing on other students will not help. If you're not in therapy, you need to start. If you're in therapy now, you should switch to someone else, because your issues do not seem to be improving, you are just moving your emotions from one target to another.
There are people who can help you. Please seek them out.
posted by kinetic at 1:41 PM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
I strongly stick with the advice given to you in earlier questions. This is not about other students, this is a much deeper and more pervasive issue. Focusing on other students will not help. If you're not in therapy, you need to start. If you're in therapy now, you should switch to someone else, because your issues do not seem to be improving, you are just moving your emotions from one target to another.
There are people who can help you. Please seek them out.
posted by kinetic at 1:41 PM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
As a Life Coach, I never delve into the past, that's the therapist's job and it sounds like you are doing the work. I respect you for that and I'd totally give you a hug, because man, you need one. I'd like to make some suggestions, if I may:
1) You're in your brain a great deal; I'd like to challenge you to get into your body. If you are not working out at least 3 days a week, I'd suggest it. I assume that your college has a gym that you can use for low cost or free. Start slow, be your own best friend, crank your favorite tunes and lift heavy things and break a sweat. You would not BELIEVE how good this is going to feel and how good you are going to feel.
2) If you gotta get into your brain, it's mandatory that you not believe everything that it's jabbering on about. To do this, I always recommend two things: learning David Burn's cognitive distortions and meditation. I have linked to the two resources that I, and my clients have had a great deal of success with.
3) When folks tell you something good, I truly think that you should believe them. Counteract any distortions with loving, good, truthful words from your therapist, from your girlfriend, and your good friends. Comparing yourself to others is a losing game.
Remember this, as with social media, as with life, you are seeing their highlight reel and you are comparing it to your first draft. We don't know how others live, what their history is, or what they are going through. Everyone is struggling with something, just like you are.
Take them off the pedestal and walk with them.
These would be my starting points for you.
I hope they help you, even if some small way.
Peace.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 1:41 PM on August 18, 2015 [13 favorites]
1) You're in your brain a great deal; I'd like to challenge you to get into your body. If you are not working out at least 3 days a week, I'd suggest it. I assume that your college has a gym that you can use for low cost or free. Start slow, be your own best friend, crank your favorite tunes and lift heavy things and break a sweat. You would not BELIEVE how good this is going to feel and how good you are going to feel.
2) If you gotta get into your brain, it's mandatory that you not believe everything that it's jabbering on about. To do this, I always recommend two things: learning David Burn's cognitive distortions and meditation. I have linked to the two resources that I, and my clients have had a great deal of success with.
3) When folks tell you something good, I truly think that you should believe them. Counteract any distortions with loving, good, truthful words from your therapist, from your girlfriend, and your good friends. Comparing yourself to others is a losing game.
Remember this, as with social media, as with life, you are seeing their highlight reel and you are comparing it to your first draft. We don't know how others live, what their history is, or what they are going through. Everyone is struggling with something, just like you are.
Take them off the pedestal and walk with them.
These would be my starting points for you.
I hope they help you, even if some small way.
Peace.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 1:41 PM on August 18, 2015 [13 favorites]
I myself realized that I could either spend my time being intimidated by everyone else, or I could use that time and energy to concentrate on other things and not think about everyone else so much.
The reason it seems that everyone else handles academics more easily than you do is not because they have some preternatural talent they were born with but simply because they have learned to "play the game" better-- and they've had a lot more experience and lessons in how to play that game in terms of thinking about assignments and coming up with answers. You just need to practice and maybe get some coaching so that you become more accustomed to the process, just as your classmates have.
posted by deanc at 2:24 PM on August 18, 2015
The reason it seems that everyone else handles academics more easily than you do is not because they have some preternatural talent they were born with but simply because they have learned to "play the game" better-- and they've had a lot more experience and lessons in how to play that game in terms of thinking about assignments and coming up with answers. You just need to practice and maybe get some coaching so that you become more accustomed to the process, just as your classmates have.
posted by deanc at 2:24 PM on August 18, 2015
If you just started college and are studying software engineering, a lot of your classmates already know the material. They might have taken AP Computer Science or some other equivalent high school class. Many of them have certainly been programming seriously for several years. They are only taking this class to fulfill a requirement, to pad their GPA, to bolster their egos, or perhaps because they know it will be easy but think the next level class might be a tad too difficult.
Reposting this because this is so, so so so true and important. Comparing yourself to these students is like playing pickup basketball for the first time ever with your college team's top players. They've been practicing for 10 years, it's (for all intents and purposes) your first day. It's not logical to expect that you would be as fast, as skilled, or as knowledgeable as them.
I know you mostly recognize that your feelings aren't particularly logical. But sometimes repeating things to yourself can help you internalize them. You're hanging in there, passing your classes and learning things. That is exactly what someone who hasn't been programming their whole life is supposed to do in intro classes.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:25 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Reposting this because this is so, so so so true and important. Comparing yourself to these students is like playing pickup basketball for the first time ever with your college team's top players. They've been practicing for 10 years, it's (for all intents and purposes) your first day. It's not logical to expect that you would be as fast, as skilled, or as knowledgeable as them.
I know you mostly recognize that your feelings aren't particularly logical. But sometimes repeating things to yourself can help you internalize them. You're hanging in there, passing your classes and learning things. That is exactly what someone who hasn't been programming their whole life is supposed to do in intro classes.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:25 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
...if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.
- Anon
posted by 7life at 2:48 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
- Anon
posted by 7life at 2:48 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Some, perhaps many, of the people you're comparing yourself to have not been through the kind of shit you've been through. If they had been, many of them would not be excelling, or indeed even showing up. Congratulate yourself on your resilience; what you have already been through did not stop you, and nor will college.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 3:07 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Sing Or Swim at 3:07 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
it is vital for your well-being to realize that the ability to decipher the complex and often-unspoken codes of academic culture bears no reflection on your intelligence
This is very true.
Even if you feel that you aren't doing so bad you "need" the extra help, go to your professor's office hours with the things you feel that you are not quite understanding in class. Your professor will not feel like you are the "dumb student" -- they will feel like you are interested in learning the material and willing to put in the effort. Your professor has also noticed that some students are playing games on their phone in class -- and even if those students are getting the better marks they claim, your professor is not impressed with them. Build connections with your professors by asking questions in office hours -- it is helpful both for the class and for future connections.
Keep at it, even when it feels like you have started behind the others. I don't know how you can learn to not hate yourself NOW, but how to not hate yourself in the future is just to keep at it even when you hate yourself now. You might not have the same options the wealthy students have, but make the most of the options you do have.
posted by yohko at 3:24 PM on August 18, 2015 [8 favorites]
This is very true.
Even if you feel that you aren't doing so bad you "need" the extra help, go to your professor's office hours with the things you feel that you are not quite understanding in class. Your professor will not feel like you are the "dumb student" -- they will feel like you are interested in learning the material and willing to put in the effort. Your professor has also noticed that some students are playing games on their phone in class -- and even if those students are getting the better marks they claim, your professor is not impressed with them. Build connections with your professors by asking questions in office hours -- it is helpful both for the class and for future connections.
Keep at it, even when it feels like you have started behind the others. I don't know how you can learn to not hate yourself NOW, but how to not hate yourself in the future is just to keep at it even when you hate yourself now. You might not have the same options the wealthy students have, but make the most of the options you do have.
posted by yohko at 3:24 PM on August 18, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'm going to address your question directly.
First, stop comparing yourself to the other students. They're on their phones; you're sitting there sizing them up. I don't say this meanly; it's a thing primates do. But stop. You have a goal. Are you working towards your goal with some success (I.e. Passing?) Hurray!
I'm not autistic bit I am a victim of abuse, have PTSD, and am not neuro typical. I get it that you want to compete head to head; I have done that too. Sometimes though, you have to let go of the "if only..." And just work on your goal. Your goal is a degree right? Do that.
Second, As a formerly gifted child (tm) the bit about your brilliance is lovely and likely true but it means zero in life. Most gifted children do not end up as huge adult successes for complex reasons. That is Okay. What is a big deal is having an Okay life regardless of whether you're brilliant. Someone I went to gifted high school with was a huge academic success in your field. He was married and had (preemie) twins when he committed suicide. Having known him, I would much rather he be not so "successful" and alive today.
Third, you were programmed by your family to hate yourself. Right now you are putting it on your struggles in class which you are framing as If I am so smart this should be easy, see the kids there? But this is your shitty past talking. You could just as easily be sitting there saying wow, I am hard-working and they are going to crash and burn later or wheeee I am here in school despite my a-hole abuser, bwahaha or Yay I am going to learn this thing and then go home for sexy time with my girlfriend none of theses people get to date, or any number of things. Your self-hatred groove may have been carved deep. Keep on with therapy to fill that in a bit. You can stop hating yourself whether you are in a class, smart, dumb, working minimum wage...all of it. It is so so hard. But you can by sticking to seeing those insights.
Bet most of the kids on their phones don't have that...although statistically, some of them do, some will flunk out, and who knows? Your dogged persistence may be something they, in the way of growing up, will come to remember with some awe. See? Self-hatred is not a given.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:51 PM on August 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
First, stop comparing yourself to the other students. They're on their phones; you're sitting there sizing them up. I don't say this meanly; it's a thing primates do. But stop. You have a goal. Are you working towards your goal with some success (I.e. Passing?) Hurray!
I'm not autistic bit I am a victim of abuse, have PTSD, and am not neuro typical. I get it that you want to compete head to head; I have done that too. Sometimes though, you have to let go of the "if only..." And just work on your goal. Your goal is a degree right? Do that.
Second, As a formerly gifted child (tm) the bit about your brilliance is lovely and likely true but it means zero in life. Most gifted children do not end up as huge adult successes for complex reasons. That is Okay. What is a big deal is having an Okay life regardless of whether you're brilliant. Someone I went to gifted high school with was a huge academic success in your field. He was married and had (preemie) twins when he committed suicide. Having known him, I would much rather he be not so "successful" and alive today.
Third, you were programmed by your family to hate yourself. Right now you are putting it on your struggles in class which you are framing as If I am so smart this should be easy, see the kids there? But this is your shitty past talking. You could just as easily be sitting there saying wow, I am hard-working and they are going to crash and burn later or wheeee I am here in school despite my a-hole abuser, bwahaha or Yay I am going to learn this thing and then go home for sexy time with my girlfriend none of theses people get to date, or any number of things. Your self-hatred groove may have been carved deep. Keep on with therapy to fill that in a bit. You can stop hating yourself whether you are in a class, smart, dumb, working minimum wage...all of it. It is so so hard. But you can by sticking to seeing those insights.
Bet most of the kids on their phones don't have that...although statistically, some of them do, some will flunk out, and who knows? Your dogged persistence may be something they, in the way of growing up, will come to remember with some awe. See? Self-hatred is not a given.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:51 PM on August 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'll vigorously second yohko's idea above. You can go to office hours every week, even when things are clear, just to hone your understanding even more and do that much better on the homework and tests. Do the homework early (at least start all the parts), so you can bring questions.
As a side bonus, sometimes you'll benefit from other students' questions, too, or might meet some potential study partners or friends.
posted by spbmp at 4:14 PM on August 18, 2015
As a side bonus, sometimes you'll benefit from other students' questions, too, or might meet some potential study partners or friends.
posted by spbmp at 4:14 PM on August 18, 2015
It depends on what your unhappiness stems from. Are you unhappy because the other students are more intelligent than you, or because you think they aren't more intelligent than you, yet they do better in school?
If it's the latter, maybe it's worth considering that you aren't as brilliant as you thought you were. I don't mean this to be mean, but let's pretend it is the case. Maybe your unhappiness is stemming from holding yourself to an impossibly high standard and being frustrated when reality does not match. For example, I'm not a very athletic person. Never have been, never will be. But if I thought I was super athletic, I would be really frustrated trying to compete with people who were.
It seems like you have two problems. One of them is that other students do better than you in school despite your brilliance. The other one is that the other students appear to have had easier lives than you. But they're completely separate things. I'm just thinking maybe if you could accept that "I have a harder time at academics than most students do" you wouldn't be so frustrated about the dissonance between your mental self (brilliant) and your actual self (maybe brilliant, maybe not, but having some difficult with academics for now).
posted by pravit at 5:23 PM on August 18, 2015
If it's the latter, maybe it's worth considering that you aren't as brilliant as you thought you were. I don't mean this to be mean, but let's pretend it is the case. Maybe your unhappiness is stemming from holding yourself to an impossibly high standard and being frustrated when reality does not match. For example, I'm not a very athletic person. Never have been, never will be. But if I thought I was super athletic, I would be really frustrated trying to compete with people who were.
It seems like you have two problems. One of them is that other students do better than you in school despite your brilliance. The other one is that the other students appear to have had easier lives than you. But they're completely separate things. I'm just thinking maybe if you could accept that "I have a harder time at academics than most students do" you wouldn't be so frustrated about the dissonance between your mental self (brilliant) and your actual self (maybe brilliant, maybe not, but having some difficult with academics for now).
posted by pravit at 5:23 PM on August 18, 2015
People here have given some great advice in this thread. In addition to all that, I would suggest reading up on imposter syndrome. I find it to be extremely prevalent in the software field. As people said above, there are pockets of people who learn programming as early as middle school, and they end up in the same college classes as everyone else. It's easy to look at them and think, "they have what it takes and I don't." With programming in particular, we have a tendancy to think of the traits need to be successful as somehow innate, but they are not. Programming is a set of skills that can be learned. You may be starting out later in life than them, but it doesn't really matter how long it takes you to learn those skills in comparison to someone else, because the jobs will still be there when you do.
Some people pursue programming as a career even when they don't like it that much because they don't enjoy detail-oriented tasks or spending that much time alone in front of a computer. That's fine; a lot of people don't have a particular love for their job but still succeed at it. If you're in this category, though, go easier on yourself because you are probably actively working against your natural inclinations and taking on a larger challenge.
posted by tofu_crouton at 6:08 PM on August 18, 2015
Some people pursue programming as a career even when they don't like it that much because they don't enjoy detail-oriented tasks or spending that much time alone in front of a computer. That's fine; a lot of people don't have a particular love for their job but still succeed at it. If you're in this category, though, go easier on yourself because you are probably actively working against your natural inclinations and taking on a larger challenge.
posted by tofu_crouton at 6:08 PM on August 18, 2015
My father, a professor, once told me that not being the highest score in class was not a bad thing. When he was looking at graduate student applicants, he tended not to go for the highest scoring students, but for the students who had evidence that they worked hard.
In his experience the highest scorers tended to burn out and quit halfway through grad school, but the ones who worked hard finished, even though they didn't have top grades. He'd much rather work with grad students who would stick the course.
posted by telophase at 6:40 PM on August 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
In his experience the highest scorers tended to burn out and quit halfway through grad school, but the ones who worked hard finished, even though they didn't have top grades. He'd much rather work with grad students who would stick the course.
posted by telophase at 6:40 PM on August 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
You're in the thick of it now (and have been for quite some time). It makes complete sense that you'd be exhausted and resentful. For now, can you just work on being on your own side instead of channeling the energy toward yourself as self hate? For me, my own kindness and loyalty and a sympathetic attitude to myself (in thought and action) can be the only things that make certain situations tolerable.
I don't think it's terribly bad to, say, walk around listening to an angry playlist on your Walkman if it gives you the oomph to push through midterms. You can work on overcoming anger (or watch it fade away naturally) when life gets a bit easier.
I also wonder if you could balance the frustration with your learning curve with remembering what's good about yourself. Sure, programming is hard for you, but you have some powerful life experience. You must've learned to deal with all kinds of people while driving commercially. Just the fact that you're taking on this transition suggests to me that you're strong and determined far above average. Good luck!
posted by salvia at 9:23 PM on August 18, 2015
I don't think it's terribly bad to, say, walk around listening to an angry playlist on your Walkman if it gives you the oomph to push through midterms. You can work on overcoming anger (or watch it fade away naturally) when life gets a bit easier.
I also wonder if you could balance the frustration with your learning curve with remembering what's good about yourself. Sure, programming is hard for you, but you have some powerful life experience. You must've learned to deal with all kinds of people while driving commercially. Just the fact that you're taking on this transition suggests to me that you're strong and determined far above average. Good luck!
posted by salvia at 9:23 PM on August 18, 2015
I haven't studied software development, but I've taken a lot of language classes. I have a natural aptitude for doing well in early language classes, getting As after barely paying attention, texting during lecture, etc. You know how many languages I'm even close to fluent in? JUST THIS ONE. I never bothered focusing on the end game of pushing through the tough times that came later and actually putting the language to use. I always get way too shy about practicing in intermediate classes because I'm too scared of being imperfect, and when the grammar gets complex I start to shut down. Meanwhile, I know tons of former classmates who didn't do nearly as well in class as I did - a lot of them struggled immensely throughout their language classes - and they're now conversing in said languages. They decided that the goal of speaking the language was more important than their grades or their linguistic perfection, and even used those grades to motivate themselves to focus on what they hadn't yet nailed down. I admire them greatly.
I know it's hard not to take grades as a reflection of your own self worth. I've struggled with this too. But grades are just reflections of what you haven't yet nailed down. Right now I'm learning Mandarin and I've hit the levels where I'm starting to struggle. This time, I've decided I'm going to be okay with being the worst in the class. I'm hoping I'll end up most improved. I'm focusing on the idea that a sense of accomplishment from struggling through something difficult is a totally different, but just as awesome, form of satisfaction than just being good at something right away.
Keep focused on the end game. As others have said above, persistence and hardwork get you way farther in life (and in academia) than just breezing through mindlessly. You've clearly pushed through tons adversity in your life; we all know you can do the same in your classes.
posted by thebots at 12:01 AM on August 19, 2015
I know it's hard not to take grades as a reflection of your own self worth. I've struggled with this too. But grades are just reflections of what you haven't yet nailed down. Right now I'm learning Mandarin and I've hit the levels where I'm starting to struggle. This time, I've decided I'm going to be okay with being the worst in the class. I'm hoping I'll end up most improved. I'm focusing on the idea that a sense of accomplishment from struggling through something difficult is a totally different, but just as awesome, form of satisfaction than just being good at something right away.
Keep focused on the end game. As others have said above, persistence and hardwork get you way farther in life (and in academia) than just breezing through mindlessly. You've clearly pushed through tons adversity in your life; we all know you can do the same in your classes.
posted by thebots at 12:01 AM on August 19, 2015
N'thing those who have said people in college exaggerate how easy it is for them. I am an outgoing, energetic, neurotypical person from a privileged background, who had a lovely childhood, and who got good grades. Even so I found college pretty lonely, because it always felt like everyone was talking about these awesome parties they went to that I hadn't heard of, and how the class I had to work really hard for was so easy. I started talking like that too, because I didn't want to be seen as uncool.
And most people I know, even people who really were genuinely successful in college, struggled after graduation. Job hunting is depressing. Normal life is hard. 9-5 jobs are draining, even if you like your work. Your friends move away. This transition was even harder for people who thought of themselves as gifted, because they percieved any struggle as just one more injustice in their martyrdom, rather than the "thems-the-breaks" attitude the students accustomed to struggle had.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 3:10 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
And most people I know, even people who really were genuinely successful in college, struggled after graduation. Job hunting is depressing. Normal life is hard. 9-5 jobs are draining, even if you like your work. Your friends move away. This transition was even harder for people who thought of themselves as gifted, because they percieved any struggle as just one more injustice in their martyrdom, rather than the "thems-the-breaks" attitude the students accustomed to struggle had.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 3:10 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm a college professor. The wealthier students I see don't, generally (ime) do better than the poorer students. But they are more confident. I often think to myself that the poorer (financially, and in terms of background) students have no idea that this richer, confident student is no better than they are in terms of understanding the material. The richer students have been taught to project co confidence. One of my main goals as a professor is to convince all my good students that they should be confident.
posted by persona au gratin at 2:29 PM on August 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by persona au gratin at 2:29 PM on August 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think it's also really important to know you're not alone. Abuse is much more common than society wants to admit and so many people have gone through the things you have. None of it was your fault, you're not a bad person, and you can't expect to just be able to get over any of that.
Another thing that has personally helped me, if you were to hear someone else tell you your story, but as if it had happened to them, how would you feel? I blamed myself for my life for so long, but really, I had no chance. It took a long time to deal with my past (late 20s) but I have started to. I didn't think I could ever be happy but with work, it is happening. I think of myself as a child/teenager and what I went through, and if a child told me those things now, I would want to protect them and care for them. Think of yourself that way.
You need someone else to talk to and they need to remind you that these things happened to you, you didn't do this to yourself.
It's very brave to reach out and I think it's a great step that you did it.
posted by shesbenevolent at 12:53 PM on August 18, 2015 [8 favorites]