Is it possible for us to be friends?
August 13, 2015 8:05 PM Subscribe
Can we still continue talking every once in awhile and be friends sort of?
There's a guy i've known since we were in Kindergarten (both entering our late 20s now), and he added me on facebook some time last year and i didn't really think anything of it. Lately, he'll message me every once in awhile just seeing what i'm up to and it's usually nothing more than talking about comics, or movies, our jobs, etc...until one of us gets tired and stops replying.
This last time he messaged me there was the hypothetical movie night that i was pretty convinced was just him wanting me to come over. Especially with the "i don't know why but i want you" response. I'm not putting him down at all for wanting sex, but this is the first time i've seen him in years and i'd rather get to know someone and date them first. Anyway, i feel like he got the message since i never replied back to his invite.
Thing is i'd normally have a don't talk anymore policy with this sort of thing in case he tries asking again, but i'd like to be friends with him since we seem to have a lot of the same interests. I just don't know if that's possible or if it's a bad idea, and i don't want to give him the wrong idea if i suddenly message him to talk every once in awhile. I just enjoy talking with him.
There's a guy i've known since we were in Kindergarten (both entering our late 20s now), and he added me on facebook some time last year and i didn't really think anything of it. Lately, he'll message me every once in awhile just seeing what i'm up to and it's usually nothing more than talking about comics, or movies, our jobs, etc...until one of us gets tired and stops replying.
This last time he messaged me there was the hypothetical movie night that i was pretty convinced was just him wanting me to come over. Especially with the "i don't know why but i want you" response. I'm not putting him down at all for wanting sex, but this is the first time i've seen him in years and i'd rather get to know someone and date them first. Anyway, i feel like he got the message since i never replied back to his invite.
Thing is i'd normally have a don't talk anymore policy with this sort of thing in case he tries asking again, but i'd like to be friends with him since we seem to have a lot of the same interests. I just don't know if that's possible or if it's a bad idea, and i don't want to give him the wrong idea if i suddenly message him to talk every once in awhile. I just enjoy talking with him.
BlahLaLa took the words right out of my mouth. Just meet in person for a completely nonromantic catch-up. He may have forgotten you're a real person and put you in the 'fantasy partner' category. Meeting will snap you back into reality. If you have the basis for a friendship, you'll know then - but either way, booty calls need to stop.
posted by Miko at 8:24 PM on August 13, 2015
posted by Miko at 8:24 PM on August 13, 2015
He thought it was cool to approach you about sex. This is where I would blow him off hard. Maybe he'll come to think of you as someone that is worthy of more than shitty comeons via text.
For me - I would think it goes no where but down from here. I want to be someone that my beau thinks of me all the time- not at 2 am when buzzed- but then again I'm an old lady. My ideas arent the most modern but in my day I was pretty popular with the gents.
posted by ReluctantViking at 8:59 PM on August 13, 2015 [20 favorites]
For me - I would think it goes no where but down from here. I want to be someone that my beau thinks of me all the time- not at 2 am when buzzed- but then again I'm an old lady. My ideas arent the most modern but in my day I was pretty popular with the gents.
posted by ReluctantViking at 8:59 PM on August 13, 2015 [20 favorites]
Oh come on. Just go for it and see what happens. i had a similar thing with my crush in college. You like him? Then do it. If not, then don't.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 9:05 PM on August 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 9:05 PM on August 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think the healthiest response, in terms of maintaining a friendship, would have been to actually say no to his request, not just ignore it. That would have allowed you both to move on. The ignoring went a bit into 'game playing', which isn't really what friends do. So if you want to keep the friendship, just be straight up and tell him you are not interested in sex, but would like to continue the friendship and see what he says. Guessing in dating is hard enough, no need to do it in friendships as well.
posted by Vaike at 9:13 PM on August 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Vaike at 9:13 PM on August 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I guess i just wasn't thinking too clearly or knew how to handle it the best way. I feel like it might be too late to reply as it was a week ago though. Plus i initially agreed to a hypothetical movie sometime in the future before it dawned on me what he actually wanted.
posted by earthquakeglue at 9:22 PM on August 13, 2015
posted by earthquakeglue at 9:22 PM on August 13, 2015
So his invite was just a week ago--that really isn't that long of a time.
Be aware that he may not have gotten the clue from just a week of no contact.
I agree that an 'in person, in daylight' meet is good but I think you need to be clear in stating that you aren't interested in him sexually.
posted by calgirl at 9:57 PM on August 13, 2015
Be aware that he may not have gotten the clue from just a week of no contact.
I agree that an 'in person, in daylight' meet is good but I think you need to be clear in stating that you aren't interested in him sexually.
posted by calgirl at 9:57 PM on August 13, 2015
Response by poster: It isn't? Oh, i guess i just assumed if it's been a week he'd realize, but then i guess if it was me i'd just wonder why they hadn't replied. I need to figure out how to word it so i get the point across but, doesn't sound too terrible that i don't want to have sex with him. He's a good looking guy, i'm just not into booty calls.
posted by earthquakeglue at 10:14 PM on August 13, 2015
posted by earthquakeglue at 10:14 PM on August 13, 2015
So let me get this straight: this guy actually wrote "I don't know why, but I want you"?
Even if you were looking for no-strings-attached sex, this is not a respectful invitation. And you aren't looking for no-strings-attached sex; you are looking for a friend.
Why would you let someone like that into your life in any form?
posted by girl flaneur at 10:27 PM on August 13, 2015 [14 favorites]
Even if you were looking for no-strings-attached sex, this is not a respectful invitation. And you aren't looking for no-strings-attached sex; you are looking for a friend.
Why would you let someone like that into your life in any form?
posted by girl flaneur at 10:27 PM on August 13, 2015 [14 favorites]
I virtually guarantee you this guy will not get the message unless you spell it out for him in English. Going for coffee at 10AM? That's a standard first date for thousands and thousands of people these days. In no way does that say "strictly platonic." To complicate things further, "date dates" generally only apply when the guy wants to be your boyfriend- a guy who wants to sleep with you will purposefully just do the coffee thing and avoid dinner- it's called "friends with benefits" for a reason.
I'd quip "I like being friends without benefits." You need to say it. He won't get it otherwise, I promise.
posted by quincunx at 11:07 PM on August 13, 2015 [17 favorites]
I'd quip "I like being friends without benefits." You need to say it. He won't get it otherwise, I promise.
posted by quincunx at 11:07 PM on August 13, 2015 [17 favorites]
Why do you even want to be friends with him? There are probably a lot of people with the same interests. Go find them.
posted by discopolo at 11:21 PM on August 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 11:21 PM on August 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
Message him and make it clear that you're not interested in sex with him, but that you would like to be friends. Don't beat about the bush, be nice and clear. The only way to find out if you can be friends is to try being friends for a while and see how it goes.
Anyway, i feel like he got the message since i never replied back to his invite.
Please don't fall into this trap. What you feel has no relation to what is going on in his head. Using your words is always better than hoping.
posted by Solomon at 12:22 AM on August 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Anyway, i feel like he got the message since i never replied back to his invite.
Please don't fall into this trap. What you feel has no relation to what is going on in his head. Using your words is always better than hoping.
posted by Solomon at 12:22 AM on August 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
[edit upon deciding to read OP's other questions on AskMeFi -- you have a tendency to wonder what others are thinking or intending. You, like me, are from (or at least in) the South, and we share a lovely cultural tendency to be indirect. Learn to call people out on their $#!+ and just ASK what they meant. Please? :-) ]
OK, what I said before doing that, with no further edits:
I'm going to take a different tack to this question, and it may represent total naive thinking on my part, but having been a party to some mortifying communications miscues, I will at least ask this question:
Is the entire part of the story about him trying to get you into bed based on this line "i don't know why but i want you"? Or was there a series of messages that made it obvious what his (romantic/sexual) intention was?
Because (and this is what I hate about communicating by text/FB chat/etc, except for very trivial kind of messages) - I'm actually wondering about a colossally poorly phrased or even typo'd message context here.
Again, you know the context and the messages leading up to it, I don't, but - any chance he meant to say (in response to questions about plans, seeing a movie, etc.)
"I don't know why I want to"
or even
"I don't know why, I want you to [come over so we can see the movie]"]
This may be, probably is, a ridiculous edge-case scenario; you know the context, I don't; and I am NOT proposing that you ignore/doubt yourself in regards to any innuendo he may have been putting down.
I wouldn't mention it except I'm the guy who once had a woman think I was proposing marriage to her because I quoted some poetry I was studying in school...
Now to give you the benefit of my advice based on the 99% chance he meant to say what you think he said - if you're positive that he booty-called you, and you haven't even seen each other face to face in a long time -- this guy has attitudes about women that you probably aren't going to fix. If you feel obliged for the sake of the long-standing friendship, I'd call him on it (literally - do it over the phone, via voice not text) and try to clear it up.
BTW, having lived long enough to have known some classmates for a VERY long time - valuing people you know just because you've known them a long time in some forced social context is kind of like promoting people at a company just because of seniority. Seniority counts for SOMETHING, but it isn't the only thing or even the main thing. If this guy turns rancid on you, don't feel obligated to keep in some kind of touch just because you went to school together.
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:14 AM on August 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
OK, what I said before doing that, with no further edits:
I'm going to take a different tack to this question, and it may represent total naive thinking on my part, but having been a party to some mortifying communications miscues, I will at least ask this question:
Is the entire part of the story about him trying to get you into bed based on this line "i don't know why but i want you"? Or was there a series of messages that made it obvious what his (romantic/sexual) intention was?
Because (and this is what I hate about communicating by text/FB chat/etc, except for very trivial kind of messages) - I'm actually wondering about a colossally poorly phrased or even typo'd message context here.
Again, you know the context and the messages leading up to it, I don't, but - any chance he meant to say (in response to questions about plans, seeing a movie, etc.)
"I don't know why I want to"
or even
"I don't know why, I want you to [come over so we can see the movie]"]
This may be, probably is, a ridiculous edge-case scenario; you know the context, I don't; and I am NOT proposing that you ignore/doubt yourself in regards to any innuendo he may have been putting down.
I wouldn't mention it except I'm the guy who once had a woman think I was proposing marriage to her because I quoted some poetry I was studying in school...
Now to give you the benefit of my advice based on the 99% chance he meant to say what you think he said - if you're positive that he booty-called you, and you haven't even seen each other face to face in a long time -- this guy has attitudes about women that you probably aren't going to fix. If you feel obliged for the sake of the long-standing friendship, I'd call him on it (literally - do it over the phone, via voice not text) and try to clear it up.
BTW, having lived long enough to have known some classmates for a VERY long time - valuing people you know just because you've known them a long time in some forced social context is kind of like promoting people at a company just because of seniority. Seniority counts for SOMETHING, but it isn't the only thing or even the main thing. If this guy turns rancid on you, don't feel obligated to keep in some kind of touch just because you went to school together.
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:14 AM on August 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: @ randomkeystrike Let me just give you the shortened version of his messages he sent.
The first one was just basically asking what was up and we talked for a few minutes, then he started asking if I was dating anyone which led to you should come over one night and we can watch a movie. At the time it sounded good, but then it started getting weird because he said he promises he doesn't bite, unless... And I asked unless what? And then I got the response of unless you want me to followed by the I want you.
So I'm honestly not sure which way that's going, could be a booty call or it might not.
The only thing I can think of to do is just reply back and see what he says and we'll either end up friends or not.
Oh I know, there's maybe 2 people from school I still talk to and it's not very often. Thanks!
posted by earthquakeglue at 7:27 AM on August 14, 2015
The first one was just basically asking what was up and we talked for a few minutes, then he started asking if I was dating anyone which led to you should come over one night and we can watch a movie. At the time it sounded good, but then it started getting weird because he said he promises he doesn't bite, unless... And I asked unless what? And then I got the response of unless you want me to followed by the I want you.
So I'm honestly not sure which way that's going, could be a booty call or it might not.
The only thing I can think of to do is just reply back and see what he says and we'll either end up friends or not.
Oh I know, there's maybe 2 people from school I still talk to and it's not very often. Thanks!
posted by earthquakeglue at 7:27 AM on August 14, 2015
It sounds like this is a person you knew in childhood, he reconnected with you on facebook a year ago, and you've had sporatic chats on there since then? Backing girl flaneur on this. When I read "i don't know why but i want you" it struck immediately as juvenile and a little slimy. There is nothing categorically wrong with booty calls, but you have to look at the context here. At this point in your lives, you both have no real, face-to-face relationship, with just pictures and intermittent facebook chit chat as your only interface. He has clearly communicated that sex is the priority. He could have set up a more public activity with you and tried to assess the feasibility of elevating it to a sexual level after some actual time spent together. That would be the respectful thing for him to do for your sake so that you would have some shared history that you could lean on to decide on any sexual offers. He didn't choose that route, which speaks volumes. Do you want to walk into this scenario? The chances of this blossoming into what you want are extremely slim.
posted by incolorinred at 7:32 AM on August 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by incolorinred at 7:32 AM on August 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Should I not even bother replying back to him then and just leave it alone?
posted by earthquakeglue at 7:41 AM on August 14, 2015
posted by earthquakeglue at 7:41 AM on August 14, 2015
You can reply and say "hey, I like being friends with you and would love to do [activity] but I don't want to be more than friends - I'm just not interested in that. If you're okay with us never being anything more, can we keep hanging out?"
posted by capricorn at 8:13 AM on August 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by capricorn at 8:13 AM on August 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
It depends what you want. If it is friendship with someone with similar interests to yours and you enjoy talking with, I'd recommend you look other places for that person (can you search for a comics or movies MeetUp?). I see three possibilities happening if you continue to maintain contact with him:
1: He realizes your non-interest in sex and his mistake and whips up a proper effort to set a friendship up on the right course. (Probability of occurrence: 5%)
2: He sees your maintaining contact as a sign that you are not totally repulsed by his idea and will push the issue with you again in the not too distant future. (Probability of occurrence: 60%)
3: He sees his pursuit of sex with you as an uphill struggle and turns away from you for sex and friendship. (Probability of occurrence: 35%)
How would you feel in each scenario? You deserve friends that don't put you in this position and approach their feelings for you with more tact.
posted by incolorinred at 8:42 AM on August 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
1: He realizes your non-interest in sex and his mistake and whips up a proper effort to set a friendship up on the right course. (Probability of occurrence: 5%)
2: He sees your maintaining contact as a sign that you are not totally repulsed by his idea and will push the issue with you again in the not too distant future. (Probability of occurrence: 60%)
3: He sees his pursuit of sex with you as an uphill struggle and turns away from you for sex and friendship. (Probability of occurrence: 35%)
How would you feel in each scenario? You deserve friends that don't put you in this position and approach their feelings for you with more tact.
posted by incolorinred at 8:42 AM on August 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm not too keen on option #2, but #3 I'd be bummed but could get over it pretty quick and move on. Option #1 is what i'm really aiming for but has a very slim chance of happening from the sound of things.
I guess there's no harm in just asking him.
posted by earthquakeglue at 11:05 AM on August 14, 2015
I guess there's no harm in just asking him.
posted by earthquakeglue at 11:05 AM on August 14, 2015
I think you should not ask this guy what's up. You know what he's doing, and you know you don't want to sleep with him, right? So tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in him and don't want to sleep with him. Tell him that you are just interested in being friends and see what happens.
My guess is that he will continue trying to sleep with you, because he's a Garbage Person. He won't do it right away, but he will do it in a few weeks or months. So, I suggest that you keep looking out for that.
posted by emilynoa at 1:09 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
My guess is that he will continue trying to sleep with you, because he's a Garbage Person. He won't do it right away, but he will do it in a few weeks or months. So, I suggest that you keep looking out for that.
posted by emilynoa at 1:09 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Almost any further indirect interaction will come off as "so you're saying there's a chance."
But NO interaction will do the same thing.
It's unfortunate. I recommend telling him.
The most effective, and eventually least harmful route is the direct one. I'm sorry to say that you may discover he is more interested in calling your booty than calling you. That doesn't sound likely though, due to your long friendship. I'd say you have a pretty fair chance of him snapping out of it.
posted by shenkerism at 1:17 PM on August 14, 2015
But NO interaction will do the same thing.
It's unfortunate. I recommend telling him.
The most effective, and eventually least harmful route is the direct one. I'm sorry to say that you may discover he is more interested in calling your booty than calling you. That doesn't sound likely though, due to your long friendship. I'd say you have a pretty fair chance of him snapping out of it.
posted by shenkerism at 1:17 PM on August 14, 2015
I'm honestly not sure which way that's going
It's pretty unquivocal. He's attempting to be flirty in a sexy way and suggesting sexual thoughts to you. If you're not interested, you need to directly shut that down.
posted by Miko at 1:21 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's pretty unquivocal. He's attempting to be flirty in a sexy way and suggesting sexual thoughts to you. If you're not interested, you need to directly shut that down.
posted by Miko at 1:21 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Do what he's done and tell him what you want. Your feelings and desires matter too. Say to him "I'm not interested in sex with you, but I would like to be friends, or at least chat about [mutual interest]. How does that sound to you?".
It's fair to say what you want out of contact with him, and if you're clear with him and he turns out to be a creep, at least you can say that you were upfront with him.
posted by Solomon at 3:12 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's fair to say what you want out of contact with him, and if you're clear with him and he turns out to be a creep, at least you can say that you were upfront with him.
posted by Solomon at 3:12 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
So I'm honestly not sure which way that's going, could be a booty call or it might not.
To be clear - asking about your dating status, followed by inviting you over for a movie, followed by "I don't bite unless you want me to", followed by "I want you", is an absolutely unambiguous, 1 billiion percent uninterpretable as anything else booty call.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 7:21 PM on August 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
To be clear - asking about your dating status, followed by inviting you over for a movie, followed by "I don't bite unless you want me to", followed by "I want you", is an absolutely unambiguous, 1 billiion percent uninterpretable as anything else booty call.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 7:21 PM on August 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
He is most definitely booty calling you. He likely only started chatting with you on Facebook with the intention of booty calling you if you responded to his messages. The fact that he hasn't tried to hang out with you, or even meet you face to face in a platonic context, before blatantly coming on to you makes his intentions clear. If you are not interested in him, you have to tell him, because he will not listen to anything but a direct statement. Be warned, even if you tell him you're not interested, and he agrees to be friends with you, he might try this again later. He likely does not see you as a real friend, just an opportunity.
This may be instructive:
The Friend-Zoner vs the Nice Guy
posted by impishoptimist at 7:52 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
This may be instructive:
The Friend-Zoner vs the Nice Guy
posted by impishoptimist at 7:52 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have a slightly different suggestion. Nothing scares off booty-call man more than MARRIAGE. So I would instead message and say thanks but no thanks - you are keen to have a Relationship that leads to Marriage, and that you are not interested in any romantic relationships that are not Marriage potential so thanks for the complement of the booty call, but no thanks.
Then a week or two later invite him to coffee. At 10 am.
posted by zia at 2:11 PM on August 15, 2015
Then a week or two later invite him to coffee. At 10 am.
posted by zia at 2:11 PM on August 15, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by BlahLaLa at 8:15 PM on August 13, 2015 [9 favorites]