Take on exclusion in the workplace
August 10, 2015 5:59 PM Subscribe
Frequently being excluded from peer group meetings and discussions at work. How do I tell my executives this is not acceptable?
I work as an analytics senior manager in a large bank in the US. In short, I manage a team of analysts supporting the marketing function. I was promoted to this position after putting in 5 hard years in more junior functions within the same team.
I'm periodically being excluded in meetings among my peers. I'm not talking happy hour after work but this is actual work planning and important projects being discussed. Please note this type of crappy behavior occurs quite frequently in the bank.I have noticed this pattern over last few months and have said nothing. But it's getting to a point where it's making me feel extremely resentful and insulted. I'm not sure why this is happening but I feel like I have a reputation of a nice girl who is happy to work hard and not complain.
I don't have a performance problem. I have consistently received very high ratings and am respected across the bank. I have taken over almost twice the workload as any of my peers in the last 8 months and have delivered some key projects. I have also built a high functioning team from scratch. I really believe I earned my place in this group after putting in 5 years of 60 work hour weeks.
I don't want to operate from a position of fear. If a company wants to get rid of an employee, they can always find a reason. I want to bring it up to someone senior and let them know that I am not being treated fairly and do not consider this treatment acceptable.
But how does one have a conversation like that? I want to be able to stand up for myself but worry that I might become emotional.
Hive mind, could you help me out here? Have you dealt with a situation like this before? Have you successfully overcome this? What should I do?
I'm also a woman of visible minority in a peer group of 8 white men and one white woman. If that matters.
Thank you!
I work as an analytics senior manager in a large bank in the US. In short, I manage a team of analysts supporting the marketing function. I was promoted to this position after putting in 5 hard years in more junior functions within the same team.
I'm periodically being excluded in meetings among my peers. I'm not talking happy hour after work but this is actual work planning and important projects being discussed. Please note this type of crappy behavior occurs quite frequently in the bank.I have noticed this pattern over last few months and have said nothing. But it's getting to a point where it's making me feel extremely resentful and insulted. I'm not sure why this is happening but I feel like I have a reputation of a nice girl who is happy to work hard and not complain.
I don't have a performance problem. I have consistently received very high ratings and am respected across the bank. I have taken over almost twice the workload as any of my peers in the last 8 months and have delivered some key projects. I have also built a high functioning team from scratch. I really believe I earned my place in this group after putting in 5 years of 60 work hour weeks.
I don't want to operate from a position of fear. If a company wants to get rid of an employee, they can always find a reason. I want to bring it up to someone senior and let them know that I am not being treated fairly and do not consider this treatment acceptable.
But how does one have a conversation like that? I want to be able to stand up for myself but worry that I might become emotional.
Hive mind, could you help me out here? Have you dealt with a situation like this before? Have you successfully overcome this? What should I do?
I'm also a woman of visible minority in a peer group of 8 white men and one white woman. If that matters.
Thank you!
I would recommend trying to discuss it with your peers before bringing it to the brass, if you can. They may not be aware of what they're doing – but if they are, and they're doing it consciously, you may earn some respect from them by being upfront about the issue rather than tattling.
posted by thirdletter at 6:09 PM on August 10, 2015
posted by thirdletter at 6:09 PM on August 10, 2015
Response by poster: DarlinBri, our boss is having meetings with 10 other managers and excluding me. Sorry I wasn't clear.
posted by quirksilver at 6:28 PM on August 10, 2015
posted by quirksilver at 6:28 PM on August 10, 2015
Can you approach the boss in an asking-for-clarification way rather than a this-is-wrong-I-won't-stand-for-it way?
This puts the onus on boss to either admit an oversight or give an actual reason. If there is an actual reason and it's bullshit, that's another question.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 6:41 PM on August 10, 2015 [10 favorites]
This puts the onus on boss to either admit an oversight or give an actual reason. If there is an actual reason and it's bullshit, that's another question.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 6:41 PM on August 10, 2015 [10 favorites]
Best answer: I'm with you in suspecting that some fishy bullshit is afoot. However, in an unscrupulous workplace, I would definitely start with the mild, "Oh dear, these meetings aren't on my calendar, how odd" approach. If they don't correct course after that, I'd be more direct, but giving them plausible deniability to start might get the reaction you want without leading to reactionary ego-licking on their part.
posted by delight at 7:00 PM on August 10, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by delight at 7:00 PM on August 10, 2015 [16 favorites]
I want to be able to stand up for myself but worry that I might become emotional.
You do sound very emotional, actually. When you talk to someone, you may want to avoid saying things like you feel "extremely resentful and insulted" and "I'm not being treated fairly", but rather put the focus on your job performance and efficiency. To be blunt, your higher-ups aren't going to give a fig if you're sulking, but will want to know in what way being excluded is effecting in your ability to do your job. (By the way, from your question, it's not clear how this exclusion is negatively effecting you, aside from emotionally.) And who knows, it's a long shot but there may actually BE some reason you're not in those meetings, and it hasn't been communicated to you. Exercise calmness and rationality when bringing this up; don't go in guns a-blazin'.
On preview: I agree with delight in that you want to give them plausible deniability. Cool your jets.
posted by Specklet at 7:06 PM on August 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
You do sound very emotional, actually. When you talk to someone, you may want to avoid saying things like you feel "extremely resentful and insulted" and "I'm not being treated fairly", but rather put the focus on your job performance and efficiency. To be blunt, your higher-ups aren't going to give a fig if you're sulking, but will want to know in what way being excluded is effecting in your ability to do your job. (By the way, from your question, it's not clear how this exclusion is negatively effecting you, aside from emotionally.) And who knows, it's a long shot but there may actually BE some reason you're not in those meetings, and it hasn't been communicated to you. Exercise calmness and rationality when bringing this up; don't go in guns a-blazin'.
On preview: I agree with delight in that you want to give them plausible deniability. Cool your jets.
posted by Specklet at 7:06 PM on August 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
If you've been working 60hr weeks for 5yrs, they may just figure that your time is already full. Alternatively, it could indeed be a power move where you are being relegated to cog status.
posted by rhizome at 8:02 PM on August 10, 2015
posted by rhizome at 8:02 PM on August 10, 2015
Best answer: 1) Document everything. Not your emotions except like "this meeting took place at this time. I was made aware of it this way. I felt excluded, particularly over X agenda item."
2) While you are documenting you have the luxury of being able to not-escalate. You can always escalate later, because you will have really great documentation.
I agree with everyone that the best approach is to talk to the meeting organizer(s) directly since you say you haven't. In that meeting it will probably serve you best if you are able to put aside the "shoulda/coulda" stuff about whether they should already have included you. I would say hey, I wasn't invited to this meeting, can we change that together? Or hey, I wasn't at this meeting and I realized I probably should be, here's why, what do you think?
I can come up with a list of reasons you might not have been included that starts with "no one updated an automatic invitation lists" and goes from there. It would not surprise me if it is deeper than that, but I wouldn't start there unless you don't get any useful response.
3) If you don't get results that way you can then decide on next steps. But if I were your boss's boss my first question would always be "have you talked to your boss/the meeting organizers about it?"
posted by warriorqueen at 8:04 PM on August 10, 2015
2) While you are documenting you have the luxury of being able to not-escalate. You can always escalate later, because you will have really great documentation.
I agree with everyone that the best approach is to talk to the meeting organizer(s) directly since you say you haven't. In that meeting it will probably serve you best if you are able to put aside the "shoulda/coulda" stuff about whether they should already have included you. I would say hey, I wasn't invited to this meeting, can we change that together? Or hey, I wasn't at this meeting and I realized I probably should be, here's why, what do you think?
I can come up with a list of reasons you might not have been included that starts with "no one updated an automatic invitation lists" and goes from there. It would not surprise me if it is deeper than that, but I wouldn't start there unless you don't get any useful response.
3) If you don't get results that way you can then decide on next steps. But if I were your boss's boss my first question would always be "have you talked to your boss/the meeting organizers about it?"
posted by warriorqueen at 8:04 PM on August 10, 2015
Uh, for the record, I don't think you seem "very emotional" or like you're "sulking." You sound like you know your worth.
posted by delight at 8:40 PM on August 10, 2015 [19 favorites]
posted by delight at 8:40 PM on August 10, 2015 [19 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with everyone else and just expanding on some strategies:
1) Approach the peer who was at the meeting you get along best with and ask what was discussed at the meeting. Then talk about how you should be at the next meeting because it is relevant to what your dept is doing. Get the peer to invite you to the meeting.
or
2) Just show up at the next meeting. If anyone questions you, explain you need to be there because you think there's topics being discussed that are important to your team.
I think if you go to a senior boss person without trying one of these things first, they could (if they're so inclined) fault you for not being "proactive".
posted by falconred at 8:43 PM on August 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
1) Approach the peer who was at the meeting you get along best with and ask what was discussed at the meeting. Then talk about how you should be at the next meeting because it is relevant to what your dept is doing. Get the peer to invite you to the meeting.
or
2) Just show up at the next meeting. If anyone questions you, explain you need to be there because you think there's topics being discussed that are important to your team.
I think if you go to a senior boss person without trying one of these things first, they could (if they're so inclined) fault you for not being "proactive".
posted by falconred at 8:43 PM on August 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
How you handle this depends on the culture where you are. In my workplace culture, I'd walk into the boss's office and say "I should be attending these meetings, right? I need to do project planning with Roger, Jane, and the other guys." Then your request would be both unemotional and unambiguous. But only you know if your culture works this way.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 11:37 PM on August 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 11:37 PM on August 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
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I'm also a woman of visible minority in a peer group of 8 white men and one white woman.
Like, are you saying there are 10 managers at your level, and there are meetings taking place with 9 of them, but not you? And if that is the case, who is organising those meetings?
posted by DarlingBri at 6:08 PM on August 10, 2015 [2 favorites]