Lost our cat. Remaining cat also seems lost. Should we get him a pal?

August 9, 2015 8:53 PM

We lost our beloved cat 9 days ago. Our remaining cat has been confused and sad, clearly needing a great deal of reassurance and wanting to be with us more of the time.We eventually plan to get him a new buddy. Should we get him a new buddy sooner, like this mont, or later, like 3-4 months from now?

Cat2 is a social cat who was not bonded to Cat1 but still socialized a great deal with him. Cat2 is normally the most mellow and easy-going of cats, but in the wake of Cat1's loss is anxious enough that he compulsively licked an extremity until it bled today. The vet recommended an eCollar and gave him a few days of anxiety drugs. Cat2 reports the snozberries do indeed taste like snozberries.

With the anxiety he's displaying, we'd like to do something to help. Any advice, anecdotal or otherwise, on whether we should look to adopt a new buddy for Cat2 soon or whether we should wait a few months? We are interested in what would be best for Cat2, please assume we can easily find a shelter cat that would be a good fit for Cat2 either now or in 3-4 months.

posted by arnicae to Pets & Animals (19 answers total)

Your description does not suggest any reasons NOT to get a new cat. The only downside-scenarios that come to mind are e.g. Cat2 will freak out at the idea that cats can be easily replaced! but it's doubtful cats think that way, because they know all cats have inherent value.
posted by feral_goldfish at 9:05 PM on August 9, 2015 [6 favorites]

However we cannot speculate properly on Cat2's symbolic reasoning, since we have not seen his photograph.
posted by feral_goldfish at 9:07 PM on August 9, 2015 [39 favorites]

Hmm. Maybe consider a kitten? A brand new, full-grown cat could lead to territorial disputes, which would only stress out Cat2 more. But a sweet little kitten might be just what he needs. Adult male cats can sometimes be great with kittens. Failing that, maybe a very mellow lady cat? I think it could be a good idea to TRY a new cat, but go into knowing it could be a disaster. Maybe offer to foster a cat or something, so if it doesn't work you can take it back.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 9:16 PM on August 9, 2015

if it's too soon for you, though, that might lead to unhappiness for both you and Cat3, creating an unhappy environment for Cat2.
posted by feral_goldfish at 9:21 PM on August 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

I would actually wait. It's a bit of anthropomorphic thinking that cats need a companion cat (they really kind of don't), and your cat acting odd doesn't mean that he's going to get along well with a new cat. Chances are just as good that he'll be territorial with a new cat, causing a whole new set of problems for both you and him. In a few months, if he really hasn't calmed down, you can always get another cat at that time.
posted by holborne at 9:39 PM on August 9, 2015 [4 favorites]

That's a good point -- Cat2 is stressed, which makes it NOT an auspicious time for him to deal with being joined by Cat3.
posted by feral_goldfish at 9:54 PM on August 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

We went through similar, plus the dog was acting up, too. It was very obvious to both remaining cat and dog that deceased cat had been very ill, but they were still very distressed. (And they had six of their people in their house loving on them, too!) We gave in and got a kitten after a fairly short period of time, and even though remaining cat wasn't thrilled with her, it balanced things back out fairly quickly.

I suspect it was a combination of that empty space being filled with new-kitten, and ooh, a distraction! that really did the trick.
posted by stormyteal at 10:06 PM on August 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm torn because I partially agree with feral_goldfish, but one thing to consider is that after some time being the only cat in the house, he'll start to feel more territorial and the addition of a new cat will throw him out of whack a second time. It might be better to get all the changes over with at one time.
posted by salvia at 10:45 PM on August 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

Having spent some time debating getting another cat to keep my current kitten company etc, there were two bits of advice that I got which really stood out for me. They are related but slightly distinct.

1. Don't get another cat for the sake of the cat because there are too many random factors in how your cat will react. You cannot predict. If you get another cat, it should be because YOU want another cat.

2. Adjusting your household to a new cat will be a lot of work, but it is worth it if your heart is set on it.

I realised that for myself, I didn't really want another cat and my heart was really not set on it. I remain a one-cat household.

I think you can find anecdotes to support whatever you want to do. Just this afternoon I was talking to a co-worker who had two cats, one of whom died. The remaining cat seemed so lonely and to be missing her deceased buddy so much that they got two new kittens to keep her company. A year later, the older cat still hates the new kittens and has a completely parallel existence. I am sure that there is someone else out there who has an anecdote about their cat who immediately took to a new cat and seemed much happier once they had someone else to play with.

My point here is, you do not know how your cat will react and all the anecdata in the world cannot help you with your individual cat. In the absence of telepathic connections with your pet (which would be cool for about five minutes and then painful) I think you should do what YOU want to do. If you think a new cat will help you with your grieving process, do it. If you'd rather wait a while till the loss has receded, do that. If you would rather not get another cat at all, don't.
posted by Athanassiel at 11:51 PM on August 9, 2015 [3 favorites]

We intended to wait 3-4 months before getting a new cat after one died, in a similar situation to yours, but after a little less than 4 weeks we stumbled across a cat who needed a home badly, so we went ahead and adopted him. Cat2 was moderately freaked out just because Cat3 was new, but was MUCH happier with a second cat in the house and stopped mourning Cat1 and needing our attention all the time. (Cat3 became convinced Cat2 was literally God and/or his mother, and didn't give Cat2 a moment's peace for like a year because he had to worshipfully follow him everywhere he went and gaze lovingly at him.) If you've got a sociable cat who likes to have a cat-companion, I think if YOU'RE ready, sooner may be better for the cat.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:09 AM on August 10, 2015 [4 favorites]

Does the thought of a new little one in the house make you feel a little bit happy? If so, since you're planning to get a kitty eventually anyway, I say go for it.
posted by amtho at 5:48 AM on August 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

I think it's too soon, for everyone.

Cat introductions have to be careful, and your cat is actually sad and/or distressed right now.

You probably are too.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:59 AM on August 10, 2015

As has been noted above, it's all anecdata - some cats are much happier with other cats, some are happy loners. I've had both kinds. I will say that I have one cat in particular who really, really needs the company of other animals. Twice in his life he's been deprived of his best cat buddy (once a roommate moved out and took her cat, and once his best cat buddy died unexpectedly young) and he was a complete disaster. Super-clingy and needy, roaming the house yowling, just seeming totally lost. This last time around I probably would have waited a few more months to acquire a new cat for myself, but ended up moving sooner because Schro was just such a miserable boy without his best kitty friend. So we brought him home a pair of kittens (because he was 14 at the time and could not be expected to keep up with a kitten alone), and he was to all appearance extraordinarily happy. There were a few days of wary circling and observation but even that stopped the sad panda-ness in its tracks and after that shook out I'm pretty sure he likes them a lot.
posted by Stacey at 6:01 AM on August 10, 2015 [7 favorites]

It's a bit of anthropomorphic thinking that cats need a companion cat (they really kind of don't)

I have two cats who are brothers. One of them is extremely clingy, to the point that if he can't see his brother for whatever reason, he will come and yowl at me to fix it. The most recent instance of this was this past weekend, when I accidentally closed his brother into the closet. Interestingly enough, his brother doesn't nearly have the same level of attachment.
posted by longdaysjourney at 7:21 AM on August 10, 2015

Cats don't generally bond to new, strange cats that easily. They tend to bond to those they are related to, or those they knew at very young ages, but a new cat coming into an adult cat's home isn't a comfort; it's generally a territorial challenge. They can generally get used to one another after some time, but it takes careful introduction.

Anyway, seconding RJ Reynolds. Wait until everyone is feeling a bit more OK. A new cat won't be a comfort to your cat right now; it will most likely add to his stress.

If you're at all curious to see an easily readable look at some of the studies of domestic cat behaviour, I can't recommend this book enough.
posted by Kurichina at 8:29 AM on August 10, 2015 [2 favorites]

It's a bit of anthropomorphic thinking that cats need a companion cat (they really kind of don't)

Feral cats tend to congregate in colonies. Female cats will jointly raise their litters. Most (or at least many) cats are social creatures.

(The book Kurichina recommends (Cat Sense) does make this argument, and I think supports it, but it also makes a lot of unsupported assertions, so I wouldn't trust it 100%.)
posted by amtho at 12:42 PM on August 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

I have had cats who desperately want not to be the only cat, and cats who desperately want to be the only cat. If your cat misses his friend, and you are okay with another cat now, I don't think there's any particular reason to wait.
posted by jeather at 2:11 PM on August 10, 2015

It also depends a bit on the relationship of Cat2 and Cat1. I had a similar situation - Had Cat1(Nando) already for years, then adopted Cat2 (Harley) as a kitten. Harley was fine with Nando, since Nando was there when she arrived and he was just part of her life.

After Nando died a few years later, I stupidly thought Harley would be lonely, and got another kitten (Bear). Even though Harley liked Nando (her "big brother") just fine, she hate hate HATES Bear. He was totally a territorial challenge to her, and she got jealous of me paying attention to him. And, since Harley wouldn't play with Bear, or even be nice to him at all (even after prolonged introduction rituals, etc), Bear is a social cat and was lonely and sad, and would wander around the house crying. I asked the local rescue for a foster that they thought would fit into this situation. They sent me Shadow to be Bear's pal. At least THAT part of the plan worked - Bear and Shadow are besties now, and everybody leaves Queen Harley alone. Everybody is much happier. Except now I have 3 cats, ugh. :)

The point being, it's hard to predict whether Cat2 is going to actually like having another cat in the house - he may have only tolerated Cat1 becuase he never lived alone, or Cat1 was just part of the framework of life for him. I second what somebody said above, ask your shelter for a cat or kitten (probably a beta personality) to foster for a month or so and see how it goes.
posted by bluesky78987 at 8:59 AM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

Seconding bluesky78987's Beta cat recommendation.

(IMHO Beta cats are the answer to everything, unless you collect mad scientists or Hummel figurines, in which case no worries because link also features a quiz to determine which Cat Personality suits your own.)
posted by feral_goldfish at 11:07 AM on August 11, 2015