Online dating, cutting to the chase
August 6, 2015 7:31 PM Subscribe
I'm a woman, 49, in NYC, doing the OK Cupid. I've done online dating before, but have been out of it for quite some time, and really don't think I'm up to date. Please advise.
I recently discovered the quick match feature, which I'd been oblivious to before. I was clicking through a bunch of guys and I clicked "Like" or whatever on one guy and was told that he liked me back. Within minutes I got an email from the guy, saying: "Hi, do you want to meet?" This rubbed me the wrong way, because it seemed too abrupt -- not even any small talk or chitchat. I get the whole "don't wait too long before meeting" thing, and I agree. But I feel like a little back and forth is nice and gives you a chance to see if it even feels worth meeting at all. Exchanging two or three emails would be my preference, but am I being hopelessly old-fashioned and behind the times?
I recently discovered the quick match feature, which I'd been oblivious to before. I was clicking through a bunch of guys and I clicked "Like" or whatever on one guy and was told that he liked me back. Within minutes I got an email from the guy, saying: "Hi, do you want to meet?" This rubbed me the wrong way, because it seemed too abrupt -- not even any small talk or chitchat. I get the whole "don't wait too long before meeting" thing, and I agree. But I feel like a little back and forth is nice and gives you a chance to see if it even feels worth meeting at all. Exchanging two or three emails would be my preference, but am I being hopelessly old-fashioned and behind the times?
Just a quick question: have you checked your "Looking for" settings on the bottom right hand side? They now default to ALL options, including "casual sex." Is yours perhaps still set to this? Some people are going to be incredibly direct regardless but changing it, if you haven't already, might help prevent a few of such messages in the future.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:38 PM on August 6, 2015
posted by smorgasbord at 7:38 PM on August 6, 2015
I hate chat for precisely the reason you experienced. So when my OKC account is active, I turn off chat. Found my fabulous primary partner on OKC 3 years ago. Have fun and good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:44 PM on August 6, 2015
posted by Bella Donna at 7:44 PM on August 6, 2015
I've never liked it when guys on okc immediately ask to meet or want my phone number right off. Ignore him and keep clicking away.
posted by bunderful at 7:58 PM on August 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by bunderful at 7:58 PM on August 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Just because someone asked if you wanted to meet does not mean you cannot have a conversation first. Also, if you put lots of info in your profile and they remember it, maybe they already feel ready to meet.
posted by flimflam at 8:11 PM on August 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by flimflam at 8:11 PM on August 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
That might be too abrupt, but I think meeting almost immediately is the way to go. I don't want to waste too much time creating an idea of a person in my head only to find that it is completely off base when I do see them in person.
posted by bluespark25 at 8:33 PM on August 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by bluespark25 at 8:33 PM on August 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
Your preference is (probably) right for you! And me, for that matter. And since we're having this conversation on a website whose reason for existence is to exchange wordy comments, you're probably going to get answers leaning that way.
But this is a style difference, not a concrete matter of right/wrong, and just asking people if they're interested enough to briefly meet and then judging how interested you are from that meeting has something to recommend it.
posted by wildblueyonder at 8:43 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
But this is a style difference, not a concrete matter of right/wrong, and just asking people if they're interested enough to briefly meet and then judging how interested you are from that meeting has something to recommend it.
posted by wildblueyonder at 8:43 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm close to your age and when I was dating I cut to the chase once or twice (with people that I knew "liked" me), but otherwise always took the time to craft a proper introduction. I don't think you're being weird.
That said, I'm definitely for limited messages and meeting soon to see if there's chemistry.
posted by O9scar at 8:45 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
That said, I'm definitely for limited messages and meeting soon to see if there's chemistry.
posted by O9scar at 8:45 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm male, late 30s, been using cupid for years. Occasionally I meet someone within 3 or 4 messages; but often we'll converse for weeks or months before meeting. I still have lots of success with it and have met lovely people, I'm just hopelessly old fashioned and into conversation. You sound completely normal.
posted by ead at 9:58 PM on August 6, 2015
posted by ead at 9:58 PM on August 6, 2015
On Tinder, the culture there is much less chit chat and to immediately ask to meet like this. QuickMatch is the OKC response to Tinder. If you plan to continue using QuickMatch, you should anticipate receiving more messages like this with an immediate offer to meet and plan your response accordingly. "That sounds nice, but tell me about yourself first" is a perfectly acceptable response, as is ignoring the message and moving on.
posted by I am the Walrus at 7:29 AM on August 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by I am the Walrus at 7:29 AM on August 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Was that literally what he said, verbatim? Because I will meet people right away, and invite them to meet right away, but I am (or they are) at least a little more chatty or specific in my messages, like saying "I prefer to get to know people in person - would you like to check out this new coffee shop that opened near me?" or something. A terse "Hi, do you want to meet" gives me more of a more intense/hookup vibe.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:34 AM on August 7, 2015
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:34 AM on August 7, 2015
If you want, you can give a stock response. Hi, I'm OKCName, what's up? Dd you happen to catch the last Daily Show/ game/ opera? Basically, be yourself, stick to your own values, and trust your instincts. Nice guys who want relationships appear on dating sites, spend the time to meet people. Hooker-uppers stay on dating sites, alert to new faces, so there is a weird imbalance.
posted by theora55 at 10:41 AM on August 7, 2015
posted by theora55 at 10:41 AM on August 7, 2015
- You are absolutely not out of touch. Internet dating is a big learning curve if you haven't done it before. I was 26-28 when I did it and it was overwhelming for me and took a lot of learning, so don't think at all your age is the reason you're thrown. You should definitely trust your gut because it's spot on.
- Once again trust your gut. There will be a LOT of people who will want to meet immediately and will clearly be looking to use you for sex/want pictures. Definitely chat a little and get a feel for them before meeting. And as people said above, don't wait too long.
- I had some experiences where people put off meeting and I would get invested and they would go radio silent on me. If they keep making different excuses, leave them behind.
- I personally found the questions/answers crucial to who I went out with. I could tell right away if someone was a bigot, or someone whose ethics/morals/political leanings didn't match me. It made it a lot easier to weed people out.
I really wish you the best of luck. I met my partner on okc after 2 years of wading through bad appls. It was worth it. He's the love of my life and I'm really happy I had the opportunity to find someone really well suited to what I wanted. Try and have fun and again TRUST YOUR GUT.
posted by shesbenevolent at 1:19 PM on August 7, 2015
- Once again trust your gut. There will be a LOT of people who will want to meet immediately and will clearly be looking to use you for sex/want pictures. Definitely chat a little and get a feel for them before meeting. And as people said above, don't wait too long.
- I had some experiences where people put off meeting and I would get invested and they would go radio silent on me. If they keep making different excuses, leave them behind.
- I personally found the questions/answers crucial to who I went out with. I could tell right away if someone was a bigot, or someone whose ethics/morals/political leanings didn't match me. It made it a lot easier to weed people out.
I really wish you the best of luck. I met my partner on okc after 2 years of wading through bad appls. It was worth it. He's the love of my life and I'm really happy I had the opportunity to find someone really well suited to what I wanted. Try and have fun and again TRUST YOUR GUT.
posted by shesbenevolent at 1:19 PM on August 7, 2015
Also, if you put lots of info in your profile and they remember it, maybe they already feel ready to meet.
This is basically right — except I don't know what you mean by "if ... they remember it." You can get the exact same results as quick match while looking at the full profile. So, OP, you shouldn't assume that the people who mutually liked you are using "quick match." The normal profile has the same "like" option that quick match does. So yeah, maybe you just have a really informative profile that's good at convincing men that you're someone who's worth meeting.
But if you don't want to meet up right away, of course that's fine. Go ahead and have a conversation first. You have the power!
posted by John Cohen at 8:24 PM on August 14, 2015
This is basically right — except I don't know what you mean by "if ... they remember it." You can get the exact same results as quick match while looking at the full profile. So, OP, you shouldn't assume that the people who mutually liked you are using "quick match." The normal profile has the same "like" option that quick match does. So yeah, maybe you just have a really informative profile that's good at convincing men that you're someone who's worth meeting.
But if you don't want to meet up right away, of course that's fine. Go ahead and have a conversation first. You have the power!
posted by John Cohen at 8:24 PM on August 14, 2015
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posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:34 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]