How to deal when a child hits yours

August 6, 2015 10:04 AM

This has happened several times, and I react differently every time, and never feel like my response is correct. My son is 18 months, and at various playgroups/events/playgrounds, he has been hit or pushed over by children that are older and larger than him. In every single instance, the person meant to be watching that child was not, and the only response to the act would be coming from me.

The first time it happened, it was at a new-to-us playgroup, and I waited for the other child's parent or carer to come over and say something, but nobody ever approached the other child, and I was so taken aback at the entire situation that I just packed my son up and left. Today, I was out with a friend and her son, who's a similar age to mine, and an older child hit her son and then leaned in to bite him. I raised my voice angrily and said, "Hey! Hey! Don't hit other people!" He started crying and ran away. I feel like there's obviously some happy middle ground between doing nothing and raising my voice, but in the moment, I really struggle to know what that's meant to look like. I understand that raising my voice at children is inappropriate, but my lizard mama bear brain seems to take over when I witness this behaviour. I've read arguments for letting children solve conflicts like this between themselves, but that doesn't seem appropriate when at least one of the children is so young and basically still pre-verbal. What is the correct way to approach a situation where an older child that is unknown to you is aggressive toward your own?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

Cultivate and practice a middle name voice. "French Fry Benjamin Etc!"

It's authoritative and stern without raising your voice. Practice what you're going to say "We don't hit" "hands to ourselves" etc. Find one that works for you and practice it.

That way the primal rage voice won't be the first response.
posted by French Fry at 10:13 AM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

If the kid is pre-verbal…ehh, not much you can do either way other than just redirect the children and make sure everyone moves on from the incident safely. Just getting the attention of the guardian to the situation is pretty helpful most of the time. There is an age when kids kind of hit, and they're too small to realize whats up. This timeframe was super hard for me to deal with too.

BUT once the kids get a bit older, and the child doing the hitting is verbal, I've found some serious eye contact paired with a deep voice saying "Excuse me. We don't hit. Go tell your parent what you just did" works wonders. It quicky lets the child know thats unacceptable, and then it holds them and their parent accountable.
posted by furnace.heart at 10:14 AM on August 6, 2015 [33 favorites]

Of critical importance is the age of the older hitting child, and the severity of the hit/physical interaction.

If the kids are about the same size, a friendly "No hitting." is sufficient. Redirect if possible and tend to your child if they need it. Repeat as necessary - kids this size have short memories and no impulse control. If the offending kid is big enough to know better, but not huge, "No hitting." in a stern deep voice (note that stern and deep is not the same as angry - you want to convey here that you Mean It, not that you're out of control.) If the kid is really big enough to know better, then something along furnace.heart's line is good.

If a kid is not being malicious, but just barrels along and knocks your kid over obliviously, a friendly "Careful, please" for a younger child, or a "Hey, watch where you're going" for an older child. If the kid is older and seriously reckless, I'd call them back to the scene of the crime, use the stern deep voice, and show them what they did: "Hey, you just knocked over Anonykid and hurt them. I need you to be careful."

For things like toy-grabbing between similar-aged kids, I tend to be on team let the kids sort it out unless someone is screaming. It used to drive me nuts when, during the playtime at the end of library storytime, a kid would reach for a toy my son had, he'd clearly be prepared to surrender it, and before the kids could say boo a grownup would come swooping in and grab the toy away from their kid. Or worse, when he'd reach for someone else's toy and their grownup would then grab the toy from their kid and hand it to mine while instructing their kid to "share". That ain't sharing, yo.

But if there's decent age difference, you do need to intervene a bit sooner. I recommend practicing the controlled, authoritative stop-it-right-now voice no matter what because you'll need it for your own kid soon enough :) When s/he's in the terrible threes, and knows juuuust how to push every last button you have, it's good to have your brain wired to go controlled and stern rather than irrational anger.
posted by telepanda at 10:45 AM on August 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

Reprimanding other peoples kids is fine when hitting or biting is concerned and the other parent is MIA. I do not have a problem with this - either telling other kids not to hit, or other people telling my kid (which has never happened yet, but I'm sure will). I agree with others about practicing a Grown-Up Voice so you don't wind up sounding shrill, angry, or panicky. A simple, firm "no hitting" or "we don't hit" is fine. Your kid needs to know you will protect him at this age - as he gets older, it's appropriate for him to stand up for himself, but when he doesn't have the words to do it, you can do it for him.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 11:13 AM on August 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

Telepanda speaks wisely. If they're still young enough to be in the biting phase, a friendly "No hitting!" and a redirect is probably enough. For preschoolers, you go for a slightly stern voice. Kids that age are pure id, and they're all tiny sociopaths; the whole point is serving as their super-ego that reminds them "no hitting!" until eventually they internalize it and start to actually restrain themselves from doing it ... which is an over-time process that takes several years of increasing success.

With your first child, freaking out about how to respond when your kid gets barreled over or slugged is totally normal. I remember one particular incident that STILL gives me an adrenaline rush! But now that I have older kids, and two of them, I would have just gently removed either the preschool-aged slugger or my still-crawling year-old baby and firmly said, "We do not hit." You will get so much practice reprimanding your own in age-appropriate ways that it will become ingrained and reflexive, and you'll find yourself rebuking other people's kids in the same ways. Then you and their parents will engage in a flurry of apologies to each other ("Oliver! Oh, I'm so sorry, I just looked away for a second, we're working on hitting." "Oh, no, they're just playing, Joey's fine, my older one was a hitter too, I hope I didn't scare Oliver with my tone!" "Oh, he's fine, he just likes to pull a face to show how mad he is, big crocodile tears ...") and now you are BFFs.

And when other parents gently but firmly remind my kids to stop breaking the rules of civilized discourse, I always mouth, "thank you!" so they know I appreciate their good alloparenting efforts.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:14 AM on August 6, 2015 [15 favorites]

This is a great opportunity to teach your child about assertiveness. Make sure you use "I" statements. I do not want you to hit my child. I am very upset that you just did this. Do you understand that I feel this way about what you did? Your body language should express this too. Children do not understand vague wordings or mixed messages. If you say "we don't hit" your child may interpret this as "That's correct. My mother and I don't hit. I still don't see why mummy didn't protect me from that awful kid who does hit. " It is even more important how you react to the victim. Wow, that was not nice of that boy, now was it? How do you feel about that boy hitting you? Then have a meaningful conversation about what happened. Don't be surprised if there are tears or anger later on in the week. Good luck!
posted by hz37 at 11:29 AM on August 6, 2015

One slight change in language that for whatever reason I prefer with my 2.5 year old is "I'm not going to let you hit X". When I say "we don't hit" I half expect the hitter to say/think a toddler version of "Uh, yeah, we do. Didn't you just see me? I can do it again if you missed it!"

But my inner voice is probably way more sarcastic then the average toddler...
posted by pennypiper at 11:33 AM on August 6, 2015 [7 favorites]

It's very triggering indeed to witness a small child get hit, yelled at, or bitten. I respectfully disagree with most of the thread's unstated premise that it's the child aggressor who should be the immediate focus of an adult witness' energy and/or attention and/or reprimand at that moment. Instead, Pause. Don't rush. Breathe.

I'm a mother and I totally get the knee jerk "lizard/bear brain" need for swift justice thing, but in the process, please don't initially and inadvertently ignore your child, the victim (not that that's what anyone is saying here, of course). Instead, first focus on helping your own child process what just happened to them. Let's say you're at a public playground and you're all strangers there. Comfort your child and say things in your own authentic voice like "The little girl in the orange shirt hit you!?!! [BTW, feel free to say this LOUDLY so that folks will hear] Ouch!! That didn't feel very good! You feel hurt on your skin. Ow!!! I'm here. I've got you sweetie." Then, once your kid has calmed down in your arms, and you've had time to breathe, go find the child aggressor's caregiver-- "Who's the adult here with the girl in the orange shirt?" and once you've identified them, politely pull them aside privately if possible and hand the problem over to them:

"Excuse me, hi, I don't know your names, but because I understand the girl in the orange shirt is yours I do need to let you know that I saw her come up and hit my 1-year-old on the [body part]. [And if it left a mark or cut on your child's skin, definitely mention that.] Thanks for hearing me out." Walk away-- you don't need to wait for a response. It's not your business how/if that child's caregiver chooses to handle it or not. You also mentioned your child getting hit in a new-to-you playgroup-- in that case, I'd definitely give the problem to the person in charge and let them address it with the child aggressor's caregiver.

Also please remember, children are not always exactly as they may seem from outside appearances. So even if a child looks bigger/older, they might be, say, non-neurotypical and therefore unable to consistently behave in whatever we think might be their age-appropriate manner at all times. That happened to my then-2-year-old daughter once at a park; she got slapped in the face by a 7-year-old who I later found out is on the spectrum, and that realization really schooled me into the wisdom of taking a breath, keeping my own lizard/bear brain in check, and taking a pause to reflect and then respond with intention.
posted by hush at 1:45 PM on August 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

However you respond, keep in mind that you are teaching your kid how to react by example. Think about how you would like an older anonykid to react and model that.

I don't think there's anything wrong with raising your voice the way you did. But I would change what you said. your job is to protect your child, not parent the other kid.
So I would say, "hey, don't hit anonykid!" Rather than "don't hit other people". Then, when Anonykid learns to stand up for himself, he'll already have a go-to phrase.
Kindergarten taught our kid to stretch out a hand and say "STOP! I don't want that!" Now I use the "stop" phrase, too, for consistency's sake.
Ultimately, give yourself permission to draw boundaries for your kid, as you would for yourself. He can't do it himself yet, so you have to be his voice and his hero to emulate later!

FWIW, depending on how big the age difference/ how egregious the crime, I'd find hush's response oddly dramatic. Especially the not letting the other person answer after you've accused their child! (Maybe I misinderstood). But hush is right that your focus should also be on focussing on your child and his feelings.
Lastly, don't be afraid to teach your child to walk away if people are really nasty to him. Sometimes "let's go, We don't need to stick around people who keep hitting" is also a good lesson.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:20 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

Adults often flat out refuse to recognize how their own reactions in these situations, such as raising their voice at a child they don't even know, can make what is an easily-addressable problem into something much bigger. No adult should ever yell at a child unless there is an immediate danger to the child's life and limb that said yelling would avoid. The bottom line is parents/caregivers have to begin the process not by immediately going after other people's children and making negative assumptions about their lack of parenting, but instead by reaching out to the other parents/caregivers in a calm and thoughtful way, remembering the following:

1) Any parent will get defensive, embarrassed, and anxious when they hear that their child has been cruel to another child. So you need to honor the other person's dignity by being brief, calm, respectful, and by having ZERO expectations of them owing you anything at all in response. Closing with something like "Thanks for hearing me out" and then walking away takes the pressure off and gives them some personal space to hopefully handle it with their child and it absolutely does not preclude the other caregiver from either immediately saying something like: "Oh my god, I am SO SORRY!! Is your kid ok?!" or, coming back to you moments later after they have hopefully addressed it with their child, to offer you and yours something like an apology or an explanation. Space is really, super important. You do not want to be perceived as being up in someone's face for too long because in the context of the other caregiver naturally feeling defensive, embarrassed, and anxious, that is threatening. Obviously, until you leave the proverbial park, they are always free to come back over to you when and if they are ready if they choose, but you are not pressuring them by standing there silently in their space waiting for a response that may not come. You've simply thanked them for hearing you out and your actions are showing that you've moved on -- to some of us, that's pretty much the textbook definition of a drama-free intervention but YMMV.

2) If you allow your own anxiety and anger to be the dominant emotions you express to the other parent, you will be ignored or attacked. If they hear you raising your voice to their child, you will be attacked because the "lizard/bear thing" here is a two way street, and you absolutely won't get the benefit of the doubt: you will be the villain in their eyes, and then they'll get to ignore whatever you saw their child do to yours. When you are ignored or attacked, it will be very difficult for you to remember that the parent/caregiver is acting out of defensiveness. Instead, you will mistakenly think the parent is a horrible person and an even worse parent-- and vice versa. And the situation could escalate.

3) You have to think intentionally about when, how and what you will say to the other parent/caregiver -- NOT to their child-- that clearly articulates the specific behavior you witnessed that harmed your child. That's all. Since we're talking about the OP's situation of other caregivers as perfect strangers here, instead of people the OP knows in the community and/or has some sort of ongoing relationship with-- there is no need for an extended conversation. Say your piece, respectfully, and move on.
posted by hush at 3:11 PM on August 6, 2015

I favored the "it takes a village" approach when my kids were little, i.e., I spoke to the other children as I would to my own, figuring that other parents would do the same. And in my neighborhood and day care setting that seemed to be the generally accepted approach for routine, age appropriate acting out. No need for anyone to be particularly embarrassed when their child acts like a child.

Granted, there are are dozens of ways that things can get too sticky for this simple approach, but this seemed to work in in virtually every pre-school situation in my world.
posted by she's not there at 10:59 PM on August 6, 2015

I don't know if I'm right or wrong (and I'm a father so maybe I'm expecting different reactions if I attempt to discipline other people's kids verbally) but I basically ignore the other kid and just comfort my own.
posted by callmejay at 10:01 AM on August 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

Hey, I have an 18-month-old, too. And just today at a neighborhood block party, a little girl about a year older was getting pushy with my daughter. I said something like, "Hands aren't for pushing. Can you give Baby WanKenobi a high five, instead?"

This is pretty much exactly how I deal with it with my daughter. It's almost always the result of overzealous excitement of some kind, and so redirecting in a positive way--usually by asking the child to demonstrate gentle touching or physical affection--is really important.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:13 PM on August 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

Also, and maybe I'm a loon, if I'd raised my voice at a strange kid in anger and scared them, I would probably go apologize to that kid. "I'm sorry I raised my voice. I was angry. It wasn't right." I think it's really important to model respect for others, even small others, even small others who trigger anger in us. It's a valuable thing both for that child to see, and your own kid.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:17 PM on August 8, 2015 [2 favorites]