What are some ways my partner can get more experience around kids?
August 4, 2015 1:14 AM Subscribe
I've been trying and failing to come up with some good opportunities for my partner to get more comfortable around children (think newborn to 8 yrs old) but that don't involve a career change or taking on a full-time job. He has just about zero experience supervising children. Details after the jump!
Mr. Snacks is a firefighter in his late 20s with a serious lack of experience around children, which I gather is pretty normal. Recently, he was put in charge of looking after his station boss' toddler at a weekend BBQ. He turned his back just long enough that the little one ended up on the other side of the yard covered in dirt, earning him a clucked tongue from his boss & the boss' wife.
We've been talking about having kids in the near future because we're getting married soon. After that BBQ episode, he's concerned that he won't know how to look after them appropriately, and doesn't want that to be something that rests on just me because he feels uncomfortable or that I'm better at this than him. (I have a ton of experience with kids already. And yes, he read the Emotional Labor thread!) I agreed that it would be good for him to seek out opportunities to work with kids in order to get a handle on how they operate and communicate... but where and how?
I've watched him around his coworker's young ones at yet another BBQ, and he has a kind of knack for physical play, at least. He's one of those guys that loves to romp around playing games, but he doesn't yet have a great handle on age-appropriate supervision.
It would be so much easier if any of our friends had their own, but NONE of our family/friends have children at home right now, and the chances of that changing in the next year or two are low, even though our friend tribes are in the 25-35 age range. His coworkers have younger kids of varying ages, but the nature of his work means he's hardly around them at all. He does however have ample time during his off-season from October to May each year to work on this. Any suggestions?
Mr. Snacks is a firefighter in his late 20s with a serious lack of experience around children, which I gather is pretty normal. Recently, he was put in charge of looking after his station boss' toddler at a weekend BBQ. He turned his back just long enough that the little one ended up on the other side of the yard covered in dirt, earning him a clucked tongue from his boss & the boss' wife.
We've been talking about having kids in the near future because we're getting married soon. After that BBQ episode, he's concerned that he won't know how to look after them appropriately, and doesn't want that to be something that rests on just me because he feels uncomfortable or that I'm better at this than him. (I have a ton of experience with kids already. And yes, he read the Emotional Labor thread!) I agreed that it would be good for him to seek out opportunities to work with kids in order to get a handle on how they operate and communicate... but where and how?
I've watched him around his coworker's young ones at yet another BBQ, and he has a kind of knack for physical play, at least. He's one of those guys that loves to romp around playing games, but he doesn't yet have a great handle on age-appropriate supervision.
It would be so much easier if any of our friends had their own, but NONE of our family/friends have children at home right now, and the chances of that changing in the next year or two are low, even though our friend tribes are in the 25-35 age range. His coworkers have younger kids of varying ages, but the nature of his work means he's hardly around them at all. He does however have ample time during his off-season from October to May each year to work on this. Any suggestions?
Check local community centers about volunteer opportunities for after-school programs during his off-season. I did one last school year, and will be going back this year, helping to supervise K-3ish kids between the time they get out of school and when their parents can pick them up. One day a week (I later moved to two), four hours a day. I taught gardening classes, helped with homework, played basketball, etc. In my experience, they'll let you follow your interests and there will generally be a main teacher in addition to the volunteer (so he wouldn't have to feel responsible for losing anyone). And kids would love hanging out with a firefighter! So cool, yeah? I started doing it for resume-bolstering purposes, but very quickly surprised myself by how much I enjoyed working with kids. For me, it was a minimal time commitment for a big soul-reward.
posted by transient at 1:43 AM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by transient at 1:43 AM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
I don't think you need to worry about this. For millennia men who have no experience with children have become fathers. So long as he has the desire to be an engaged dad once the kids arrive he ll be fine. The emotions of engaging with your own infant are entirely different from engaging with others. Not just that but you get sort of a natural learning curve.
posted by JPD at 2:15 AM on August 4, 2015 [42 favorites]
posted by JPD at 2:15 AM on August 4, 2015 [42 favorites]
I had the opposite problem - my husband had a ton of nieces and nephews, I had none and had last babysat 15 years before we had our daughter. The best thing about having your own kid is that you can learn by trial and error without external judgement. Everyone has massive poop or pee incidents or wakes the baby up from a much needed nap or drops their kid or lets them roll off the bed or change table at least once -- do it to your boss's kid, there's hell to pay, do it to yours, you say sorry and learn a lesson. Does that help him at all?
posted by olinerd at 2:18 AM on August 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by olinerd at 2:18 AM on August 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
For millennia men who have no experience with children have become fathers.
Moms too. My baby was the first baby I ever held, first diaper I ever changed. I didn't know to burp her (I didn't know you HAD to burp them) or do anything else. I dropped her out of her car seat onto the carpet in our house on day one (Pro-tip! The car seat locks in two positions and can be misleading! Second pro-tip! They have safety belts for a reason!)
One of the major things you need to know is watch them when they're toddlers because they're in constant danger from doing something dumb. And he just learned that, so he's ahead of the game. Also about carrying babies around in car seats without strapping them in regardless of how much they like napping in their car seats.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:38 AM on August 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
Moms too. My baby was the first baby I ever held, first diaper I ever changed. I didn't know to burp her (I didn't know you HAD to burp them) or do anything else. I dropped her out of her car seat onto the carpet in our house on day one (Pro-tip! The car seat locks in two positions and can be misleading! Second pro-tip! They have safety belts for a reason!)
One of the major things you need to know is watch them when they're toddlers because they're in constant danger from doing something dumb. And he just learned that, so he's ahead of the game. Also about carrying babies around in car seats without strapping them in regardless of how much they like napping in their car seats.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:38 AM on August 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
This was my husband too. The great thing about babies is that they're very very basic creatures. They start off with just sleep/eat/poop and slowly get more complicated as you get more acclimated to parenting. Plus, each kid is different.
What really made a huge difference in evening out the emotional labour was paternity leave. I took the first six months, and he took the second six. He was helpful, available, supportive, etc... but until he took a turn as primary caregiver, *I* was the default parent. I would have said it was even during my leave... but now? Holy moly. It's also great in that our kid is really securely attached to both of us. Sometimes he wants me - and sometimes he wants dad. In fact, he is in the baby's room putting him to bed right now!
doesn't want that to be something that rests on just me because he feels uncomfortable or that I'm better at this than him = 100%, take paternity leave! (October - May!)
Boys&Girls Clubs, Big Brother program, YMCA, after school tutoring. Ask at the public library. Assist with library story time?
posted by jrobin276 at 2:39 AM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
What really made a huge difference in evening out the emotional labour was paternity leave. I took the first six months, and he took the second six. He was helpful, available, supportive, etc... but until he took a turn as primary caregiver, *I* was the default parent. I would have said it was even during my leave... but now? Holy moly. It's also great in that our kid is really securely attached to both of us. Sometimes he wants me - and sometimes he wants dad. In fact, he is in the baby's room putting him to bed right now!
doesn't want that to be something that rests on just me because he feels uncomfortable or that I'm better at this than him = 100%, take paternity leave! (October - May!)
Boys&Girls Clubs, Big Brother program, YMCA, after school tutoring. Ask at the public library. Assist with library story time?
posted by jrobin276 at 2:39 AM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
In my general MeFi area of Seattle there's been some suggestions of kid-friendly meetups during parent-friendly times. Maybe you two could bring it to IRL and see if anybody in your area would like to hang out with MeFites who don't have kids and who are enthusiastic about kids being there? In my age bracket this is a thing - parents craving adult conversation but lacking friends who don't also have a kid in tow but are willing to abide by parent schedules (then you trade off, your guy hangs out with kid + parent 1, parent 2 gets to hang with you, etc).
Also, I feel like in this age bracket, although there are plenty of us with no kids, if you make one friend with a kid, you've suddenly got an in to a whole world of people making kids all over the place. Try a little harder, cast your net a little wider, and have your husband make it really clear that he's enthusiastic about the kids - which are such a big part of a new parent's life that this is what builds that wall between people with and without kids, when the person without the kid doesn't enthusiastically endorse the kid's existence because they don't realize how much a part of the parent they are.
Also I gotta say, expecting a toddler not to get covered in dirt at the slightest provocation is pretty silly. As far as I can tell that is the usual toddler goal.
posted by Mizu at 2:53 AM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Also, I feel like in this age bracket, although there are plenty of us with no kids, if you make one friend with a kid, you've suddenly got an in to a whole world of people making kids all over the place. Try a little harder, cast your net a little wider, and have your husband make it really clear that he's enthusiastic about the kids - which are such a big part of a new parent's life that this is what builds that wall between people with and without kids, when the person without the kid doesn't enthusiastically endorse the kid's existence because they don't realize how much a part of the parent they are.
Also I gotta say, expecting a toddler not to get covered in dirt at the slightest provocation is pretty silly. As far as I can tell that is the usual toddler goal.
posted by Mizu at 2:53 AM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
As others have already noted, if this is about being ready for kids yourself, forget about it, relax and enjoy pre-kid time. Babies come out pretty simple at first, and he's got PLENTY of time to work it out as your baby grows up.
posted by wilful at 3:01 AM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by wilful at 3:01 AM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
I want to reassure you that a man can be an excellent, attentive father without any prior knowledge of babies. My husband had never held a baby let alone cared for one when our son was born and he has learned everything he needed to know as our son has gotten older. In my opinion, your husband would do well to read a book on child development or parenting (ideally both) so that he knows to anticipate various stages and challenges. Having a sense of what to expect will make it much easier to learn from brief experiences around other kids, too. But it's not a requirement for competent parenting.
posted by Cygnet at 3:27 AM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Cygnet at 3:27 AM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yes to volunteer opportunities, and very much yes to not needing prior experience around kids in order to be a good parent. I barely knew anything about babies before having one, but with a decent pediatrician (and their 24-hour nurse line!), books, friends with kids, and the Internet, I'm pretty well covered.
If your guy is worried about not being able to pick up his share of the parenting and general household duties once a baby arrives, the best thing he can do is practice stepping up around the house now and make sure he communicates excellently with you, especially in times of stress or conflicts. (You should do this too, but since this question is for him and he's concerned about the division of emotional labor, it's extra important for him.) Direct childcare experience is not as important as being able to work as a team and keep cool when you're exhausted, angry, confused, freaked out, and otherwise at your limit.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:52 AM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
If your guy is worried about not being able to pick up his share of the parenting and general household duties once a baby arrives, the best thing he can do is practice stepping up around the house now and make sure he communicates excellently with you, especially in times of stress or conflicts. (You should do this too, but since this question is for him and he's concerned about the division of emotional labor, it's extra important for him.) Direct childcare experience is not as important as being able to work as a team and keep cool when you're exhausted, angry, confused, freaked out, and otherwise at your limit.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:52 AM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Although firsthand practice is great, don't discount the value of simple observation in learning like this; I also started parenting without much childcare experience, and I found it super helpful to have a "toolkit" of phrases and techniques I'd seen my friends use with their babies and kids. Especially if he's not well up on how to interact with different age groups, taking a regular walk to the playground (maybe as a couple, to avoid the creepster factor?), noticing other people's parenting in the wild, and talking over with you what worked/ didn't work might be another good way to help him feel more confident about his own ability to deploy these skills.
posted by Bardolph at 4:28 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Bardolph at 4:28 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
The mere concerned means he's going to do great.
It'll be nerve racking (it was for me), but as it turns out, kids are awesome and strong and robust.
posted by nickggully at 5:17 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
It'll be nerve racking (it was for me), but as it turns out, kids are awesome and strong and robust.
posted by nickggully at 5:17 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's very different when it's his kid. He'll be fine.
posted by COD at 5:27 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by COD at 5:27 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's very different when it's his kid. He'll be fine.
OP, keep in mind that opinions like this are a pervasive, cultural myth, and is not true in every instance.
There are many people out there who aren't any better with kids that are their own.
I don't have any suggestions for exposure to kids, but it's most certainly worth exploring to see if he does indeed want them, and would be good around them.
posted by furnace.heart at 5:55 AM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
OP, keep in mind that opinions like this are a pervasive, cultural myth, and is not true in every instance.
There are many people out there who aren't any better with kids that are their own.
I don't have any suggestions for exposure to kids, but it's most certainly worth exploring to see if he does indeed want them, and would be good around them.
posted by furnace.heart at 5:55 AM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
COD, that's not to call you out; you just had the most concise version of what other people were vibing; zero offense intended!
posted by furnace.heart at 5:58 AM on August 4, 2015
posted by furnace.heart at 5:58 AM on August 4, 2015
If he calls your local elementary school or community center and says "I am a male firefighter in my late 20s who wants to volunteer to take care of kids a couple hours a week" he will have to call back a couple of days later after the fainting and the chaos and the parties and the celebratory feasts have died down. They will literally fall over themselves to find places for him to help.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:02 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Rock Steady at 6:02 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
OP, keep in mind that opinions like this are a pervasive, cultural myth, and is not true in every instance.
There are many people out there who aren't any better with kids that are their own.
The very fact that her partner has expressed concern almost certainly tells you this isn't the case here.
posted by JPD at 6:31 AM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
There are many people out there who aren't any better with kids that are their own.
The very fact that her partner has expressed concern almost certainly tells you this isn't the case here.
posted by JPD at 6:31 AM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Many places of worship provide babysitting during the service and some kind of religious school before or after it. If you belong to a place of worship, he might ask to volunteer (or work) as a babysitter or teacher there.
If he plays or used to play a sport, he may want to volunteer (or work) as a youth coach or assistant coach.
Ime, community gardens or nature centers/programs are also good places to volunteer (or work) to supervise or teach a group of children once a week.
He could try joining the roster of a babysitting firm (like urbansitter or sittercity) and getting babysitting jobs that way.
In my experience, there actually isn't a whole lot of "taking care of kids" involved in tutoring, since it's one-on-one and so goal-oriented, so I don't think it would work very well for his purposes. YMMV.
FWIW, I think it's great that he's trying to spend more time with kids. Maybe he'll find that he enjoys being around them, and maybe seeing his class or team or babysitting charges will become the highlight of his week. Also, FWIW, I learned a lot about people in general by working as a substitute teacher and a tutor for a couple years. Every adult is just a grown up child, it's not like kids are a whole different species. It's a learning experience to be in charge of a group of kids on a whole lot of levels (not just as parenting prep). He'll also be doing a good thing for the kids themselves by consistently spending time with them, because it's always a good thing for kids to have another positive adult role model in their lives. Anyway, that's just to say that I think this is a good idea and I wish him success!
posted by rue72 at 7:08 AM on August 4, 2015
If he plays or used to play a sport, he may want to volunteer (or work) as a youth coach or assistant coach.
Ime, community gardens or nature centers/programs are also good places to volunteer (or work) to supervise or teach a group of children once a week.
He could try joining the roster of a babysitting firm (like urbansitter or sittercity) and getting babysitting jobs that way.
In my experience, there actually isn't a whole lot of "taking care of kids" involved in tutoring, since it's one-on-one and so goal-oriented, so I don't think it would work very well for his purposes. YMMV.
FWIW, I think it's great that he's trying to spend more time with kids. Maybe he'll find that he enjoys being around them, and maybe seeing his class or team or babysitting charges will become the highlight of his week. Also, FWIW, I learned a lot about people in general by working as a substitute teacher and a tutor for a couple years. Every adult is just a grown up child, it's not like kids are a whole different species. It's a learning experience to be in charge of a group of kids on a whole lot of levels (not just as parenting prep). He'll also be doing a good thing for the kids themselves by consistently spending time with them, because it's always a good thing for kids to have another positive adult role model in their lives. Anyway, that's just to say that I think this is a good idea and I wish him success!
posted by rue72 at 7:08 AM on August 4, 2015
If he volunteers somewhere, he'll want to be choosy. I have been in group situations with adult caregivers and a bunch of kids and reeled back in disgust at how clueless the adults are with kids. There's an awful lot of awful "drop your kids off here for little $ and we'll make sure they don't die" out there run by people who are not good at running it. I have two stereotypes for the worst offenders: the cranky older folk, who have had their kids, who seem to be pretty done with kids, who just do not want to be there, and, the eager but very young folk, who "love kids," who have no experience with them, no idea what to do with them...
However, I did learn loads from a library storytime we went to that was run by a retired kindergarten teacher who was unusually gifted with small children. Her very kind and gentle but thoroughly effective control over a herd of squirmers was amazing, and while my daughter listened to the stories, I watched and picked up more how-to-do-it-with-kiddies tips.
So if he does do this, if he gets a bad vibe, he should be encouraged to trust his gut instincts. Not everyone can model good child care, even people who have made a career out of it.
Also, books. I really like Faber and Mazlish's "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" and "Liberated Parents/Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family." They have lots of little imagined scenarios (many in cartoon format) with adult-child interactions, with how-to-do-it and how-not-to-do-it.
I also, pre-motherhood, learned a lot from just looking around the supermarket and other public places. Watch for the unhappy, out of control kids. Watch for the happy families. Obviously terrific parents have kids with bad days, but, often, there's a lot to be learned from the interactions you can casually observe in public spaces. The dad calmly saying "You know the rules about that, it's not up for discussion. But you did get to pick out the fruit for this week! What are you going to eat first? Peaches or blueberries?" is getting a much easier time at the check-out candy section than the dad who is raising his voice and telling the candy-bar-wanter to shut it or else, etc.
The other huge parenting tool he already has is his ability to reach back into his memory bank and recall as much of his childhood as he can. How he felt in different situations. What his parents and other caregivers did that made him feel happy and secure. Weird fears he had. What was important to him at the time. Etc.
posted by kmennie at 7:13 AM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
However, I did learn loads from a library storytime we went to that was run by a retired kindergarten teacher who was unusually gifted with small children. Her very kind and gentle but thoroughly effective control over a herd of squirmers was amazing, and while my daughter listened to the stories, I watched and picked up more how-to-do-it-with-kiddies tips.
So if he does do this, if he gets a bad vibe, he should be encouraged to trust his gut instincts. Not everyone can model good child care, even people who have made a career out of it.
Also, books. I really like Faber and Mazlish's "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" and "Liberated Parents/Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family." They have lots of little imagined scenarios (many in cartoon format) with adult-child interactions, with how-to-do-it and how-not-to-do-it.
I also, pre-motherhood, learned a lot from just looking around the supermarket and other public places. Watch for the unhappy, out of control kids. Watch for the happy families. Obviously terrific parents have kids with bad days, but, often, there's a lot to be learned from the interactions you can casually observe in public spaces. The dad calmly saying "You know the rules about that, it's not up for discussion. But you did get to pick out the fruit for this week! What are you going to eat first? Peaches or blueberries?" is getting a much easier time at the check-out candy section than the dad who is raising his voice and telling the candy-bar-wanter to shut it or else, etc.
The other huge parenting tool he already has is his ability to reach back into his memory bank and recall as much of his childhood as he can. How he felt in different situations. What his parents and other caregivers did that made him feel happy and secure. Weird fears he had. What was important to him at the time. Etc.
posted by kmennie at 7:13 AM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
As someone noted above, the best thing he can do is take parental leave for some months after the baby is born and after you go back to work. One of the best predictors of how involved fathers are is whether/how much they are exclusively (i.e. mom not there) responsible for the baby in those early months. That's for exactly the situation you have -- mom's tend to come in with more experience, more familiarity, and less choice in the matter (because they're nursing, they can't just defer to someone else) and so A) Father's tend to defer to mothers and B) Mothers may feel compelled to step in or take over when the father isn't doing things the way mom prefers. Pull mom out of the picture for 8 hours a day and you don't have that dynamic.
Second, I wanted to caution about any be-around-kids experience that is primarily about playing with kids/doing cool things with them. Another common dynamic you see in families, even where the "childcare" is fairly evenly split in terms of quantity, is that mom does the "work" aspect of childcare and dad does the playing with and supervising*: Mom heats the bottles or makes the kid's lunch, goes to doctor's appointments, does the back-to-school shopping, sees to baths and teethbrushing, checks homework and makes sure the gym clothes are in the backpack on Tuesdays, etc. Dad plays peek-a-boo or catch and gives piggy-back rides, coaches little league, builds birdhouses, goes camping etc. Yeah, it's good to be an involved father, but if the involvement is all play and recreation, it doesn't send a great message and it's not very fair to the other parent. So if your fiance doesn't have any sort of established this-is-how-own-relates-to-kids-and-what-one-does-when-in-charge-of-kids dynamic, then you probably don't want his only experience with kids being playing with them.
* I can't find them right now, but there are two picture books that find their way to the front table of bookstores for mothers' day and fathers' day. Each from a kid's perspective about how great their mom and dad are. Each page is a reason mom and dad are so great: "Mom always makes my favourite lunch. She takes care of me when I'm sick. etc. etc. "Dad gives me piggy back rides. Dad plays catch with me. etc." The books are striking in that they make the point both so clearly (nothing in the book deviates from the pattern as I recall), and yet so obliviously. It's kind of shocking to me that no editor saw this as problematic.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:14 AM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Second, I wanted to caution about any be-around-kids experience that is primarily about playing with kids/doing cool things with them. Another common dynamic you see in families, even where the "childcare" is fairly evenly split in terms of quantity, is that mom does the "work" aspect of childcare and dad does the playing with and supervising*: Mom heats the bottles or makes the kid's lunch, goes to doctor's appointments, does the back-to-school shopping, sees to baths and teethbrushing, checks homework and makes sure the gym clothes are in the backpack on Tuesdays, etc. Dad plays peek-a-boo or catch and gives piggy-back rides, coaches little league, builds birdhouses, goes camping etc. Yeah, it's good to be an involved father, but if the involvement is all play and recreation, it doesn't send a great message and it's not very fair to the other parent. So if your fiance doesn't have any sort of established this-is-how-own-relates-to-kids-and-what-one-does-when-in-charge-of-kids dynamic, then you probably don't want his only experience with kids being playing with them.
* I can't find them right now, but there are two picture books that find their way to the front table of bookstores for mothers' day and fathers' day. Each from a kid's perspective about how great their mom and dad are. Each page is a reason mom and dad are so great: "Mom always makes my favourite lunch. She takes care of me when I'm sick. etc. etc. "Dad gives me piggy back rides. Dad plays catch with me. etc." The books are striking in that they make the point both so clearly (nothing in the book deviates from the pattern as I recall), and yet so obliviously. It's kind of shocking to me that no editor saw this as problematic.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:14 AM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
First off, he was watching a child who he just met. The child did not know that he was supposed to stay close and listen to your boyfriend and your boyfriend did not know this this was the sort of child that would wander off and eat dirt. My son was a handful and I did not hand him off to anyone for even a minute without a warning list. Assure him that he is going to be fine with his own children, who will know to follow him, stay close, and obey. And he will know his own children well enough to know which ones to dress in bright colors so that they can be spotted easily from across a large field or parking lot.
If he still wants some experience, he should volunteer in his community. There are so many children who are never around good men. I'm a single mother and my children were always super excited when they got a male teacher. Volunteering as a helper in a preschool or elementary school would be life changing for many little people. For older kids, the boy scouts are often looking for volunteers.
posted by myselfasme at 7:40 AM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
If he still wants some experience, he should volunteer in his community. There are so many children who are never around good men. I'm a single mother and my children were always super excited when they got a male teacher. Volunteering as a helper in a preschool or elementary school would be life changing for many little people. For older kids, the boy scouts are often looking for volunteers.
posted by myselfasme at 7:40 AM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Your partner's boss was dumb for leaving their toddler in the care of someone who isn't used to toddlers. Unless you spend time around toddlers, you don't know what kind of shennanigans they are capable of getting into, let alone the speed at which they can do so. My son is nearly 2 and he will be sweetly sitting on the floor reading a book quietly to himself and 10 seconds later he'll take off running and trip over a rug and go flying and hurt himself. The failure to appreciate that you really, truly can't look away for even a moment (except, you really have to sometimes, which is why toddlers get hurt all. the. time.) isn't because your partner is some sort of anti-child moron, but because intuiting toddler craziness is a mental space he has absolutely no reason to occupy.
I'm not saying he shouldn't explore ways to get more used to children - I think that is a wonderful idea. I just don't think that this is something he needs to be particularly worried about.
posted by gatorae at 8:10 AM on August 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm not saying he shouldn't explore ways to get more used to children - I think that is a wonderful idea. I just don't think that this is something he needs to be particularly worried about.
posted by gatorae at 8:10 AM on August 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
You mentioned he's not around coworkers' kids often, but could he ask some of them if he could babysit for them sometime? Do any of your neighbors have kids? Parents who know your husband will probably not refuse the offer of free babysitting.
I never had much exposure to kids before having my own, and it's worked out fine, but I think getting some practice first is a great idea.
posted by OrderOctopoda at 11:05 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I never had much exposure to kids before having my own, and it's worked out fine, but I think getting some practice first is a great idea.
posted by OrderOctopoda at 11:05 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Fire stations near me often rent out their buildings for kids' birthday parties. This involves a real live firefighter showing the kids the equipment and so forth. Perhaps his organization does this already - if so, he should get on the list to volunteer. If not, maybe he can start a program!
posted by bq at 12:26 PM on August 4, 2015
posted by bq at 12:26 PM on August 4, 2015
I think the "age appropriate supervision" part will be less of an issue because he will be supervising his kid from day one - from the day the kid can't do anything!
The changes happen fast, but still slowly enough that he will notice what is changing and be forced to adapt his parenting style.
In other words, I think it is not useful for him to worry about not knowing the difference between handling three year olds and five year olds. His own kid will make the difference readily apparent.
Will the adjustment be bumpy? Of course! But it's bumpy for every parent, and all of them constantly have moments of "Shit! I didn't realize he could do that already! Quick, install the safety gate!"
He does need to be willing to handle the baby despite being the less informed partner. And maybe read child development literature. It's learning by doing. (Signed: mom with no prior experience with kids.)
posted by Omnomnom at 12:30 PM on August 4, 2015
The changes happen fast, but still slowly enough that he will notice what is changing and be forced to adapt his parenting style.
In other words, I think it is not useful for him to worry about not knowing the difference between handling three year olds and five year olds. His own kid will make the difference readily apparent.
Will the adjustment be bumpy? Of course! But it's bumpy for every parent, and all of them constantly have moments of "Shit! I didn't realize he could do that already! Quick, install the safety gate!"
He does need to be willing to handle the baby despite being the less informed partner. And maybe read child development literature. It's learning by doing. (Signed: mom with no prior experience with kids.)
posted by Omnomnom at 12:30 PM on August 4, 2015
I've been thinking about this question a lot since I posted my last answer and I have a few more thoughts.
While a person can become a wonderful, 100% competent parent without prior experience with babies/children, there is a little bit more to the story. Typically, women bring a lot of accumulated cultural knowledge to parenting about what sorts of things babies typically need, what kinds of behaviors are normal or abnormal, and what the demands of various developmental stages might be. Without this kind of knowledge, the couple would lack a baseline awareness of childraising and would need to make sure they had access to good resources so they could anticipate and respond appropriately to the needs of their child. Once again, this doesn't mean they couldn't do a good job, but bringing that kind of knowledge to the relationship is actually an important and non-trivial service. The parent who knows that babies tend to spit up (and that's normal), that bouncing babies or playing white noise can help calm them, that they'll probably need a new size of clothes within a few weeks, that they often are fussy in the evening, and so on (with different knowledge for each stage), ends up doing a lot of educating their partner. They answer a lot of questions that the other partner inevitably has (because it's faster to ask a person than check a book or Google in a pinch), and they are generally assumed to know what they're doing with their own child when in fact they may have some general baby knowledge that is 100% useless when your own kid is screaming at 11 PM for reasons unknown. If the partners are not careful, this imbalance can result in the woman becoming the Default Parent, the one who Knows Things about children, knows what's normal, knows how to respond to new situations and needs and so on.
In reality, no matter how well you know babies, you won't know everything you need to raise your child. You'll have to reflect on your child's particular qualities, talk with others, probably look up information, ask experts or doctors or much more experienced people, read books, and so on. In many relationships, this significant duty falls to the woman, largely because she is already expected to know these kinds of things, and possibly also because many men spend less time with their children early on and feel as though they are so far "behind" in baby knowledge that it would be impossible to catch up and have equally valid opinions. I encourage you to do whatever you can to prevent this from happening, starting with a paternal leave if possible, and including a deliberate resistance to the idea that women always know more about childraising. Some of the knowledge that most women have they got without overt effort, through cultural learning, but a lot of it (and almost all after the baby's a newborn, I think) takes continuing effort and is by no means automatic.
posted by Cygnet at 2:55 PM on August 4, 2015
While a person can become a wonderful, 100% competent parent without prior experience with babies/children, there is a little bit more to the story. Typically, women bring a lot of accumulated cultural knowledge to parenting about what sorts of things babies typically need, what kinds of behaviors are normal or abnormal, and what the demands of various developmental stages might be. Without this kind of knowledge, the couple would lack a baseline awareness of childraising and would need to make sure they had access to good resources so they could anticipate and respond appropriately to the needs of their child. Once again, this doesn't mean they couldn't do a good job, but bringing that kind of knowledge to the relationship is actually an important and non-trivial service. The parent who knows that babies tend to spit up (and that's normal), that bouncing babies or playing white noise can help calm them, that they'll probably need a new size of clothes within a few weeks, that they often are fussy in the evening, and so on (with different knowledge for each stage), ends up doing a lot of educating their partner. They answer a lot of questions that the other partner inevitably has (because it's faster to ask a person than check a book or Google in a pinch), and they are generally assumed to know what they're doing with their own child when in fact they may have some general baby knowledge that is 100% useless when your own kid is screaming at 11 PM for reasons unknown. If the partners are not careful, this imbalance can result in the woman becoming the Default Parent, the one who Knows Things about children, knows what's normal, knows how to respond to new situations and needs and so on.
In reality, no matter how well you know babies, you won't know everything you need to raise your child. You'll have to reflect on your child's particular qualities, talk with others, probably look up information, ask experts or doctors or much more experienced people, read books, and so on. In many relationships, this significant duty falls to the woman, largely because she is already expected to know these kinds of things, and possibly also because many men spend less time with their children early on and feel as though they are so far "behind" in baby knowledge that it would be impossible to catch up and have equally valid opinions. I encourage you to do whatever you can to prevent this from happening, starting with a paternal leave if possible, and including a deliberate resistance to the idea that women always know more about childraising. Some of the knowledge that most women have they got without overt effort, through cultural learning, but a lot of it (and almost all after the baby's a newborn, I think) takes continuing effort and is by no means automatic.
posted by Cygnet at 2:55 PM on August 4, 2015
Uh, so I guess what I'm saying is: it's great that your partner wants to learn more about kids, and it could be an important thing to bring to parenting, but in my view the more important intention is to be as proactive about continually educating himself as your own future child(ren) grows older, so you aren't the one reading 100% of the parenting information and educating him about what to expect and how to respond.
posted by Cygnet at 3:22 PM on August 4, 2015
posted by Cygnet at 3:22 PM on August 4, 2015
Believe me, as long as he actively participates from the time the little one is born - being willing to try, being willing to do it even if he might get it wrong, and being willing to continue to learn - and you don't criticize too much, he will learn plenty as baby grows. The thing is, for that to work, he has to commit to and actually DO the parenting instead of using his lack of experience to get out of it... which is on both your parts. He has to DO, and you have to let him, even if it isn't perfect, and even if he fails and has to redo it.
Can't put on a diaper, or does it too slow? Well, that's going to be a mess to clean up - and that's mucho incentive for learning to do it right. Paying attention? Well, they're easy to keep track of as infants - and as they grow, your ability to pay attention grows right along with them.
When my oldest was born, I was 19. I'd held a baby twice in my life; the first was my sister, when I was not quite 4, the second was my cousin, 9 months before my son was born. I'd never changed a baby, I'd never dressed a baby, I'd never fed a baby... I had no idea what I was doing. I wasn't good with kids and I'd had no intention of having any, ever.
He survived. He's almost 20. I have four kids now, all teens, and I'm pretty much the mom everybody turns to for help and advice and support and etc. Being handed a brand-new newborn still sorta freaks me out - they're SO tiny! - but I'm sure your guy can learn, too.
posted by stormyteal at 6:22 PM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Can't put on a diaper, or does it too slow? Well, that's going to be a mess to clean up - and that's mucho incentive for learning to do it right. Paying attention? Well, they're easy to keep track of as infants - and as they grow, your ability to pay attention grows right along with them.
When my oldest was born, I was 19. I'd held a baby twice in my life; the first was my sister, when I was not quite 4, the second was my cousin, 9 months before my son was born. I'd never changed a baby, I'd never dressed a baby, I'd never fed a baby... I had no idea what I was doing. I wasn't good with kids and I'd had no intention of having any, ever.
He survived. He's almost 20. I have four kids now, all teens, and I'm pretty much the mom everybody turns to for help and advice and support and etc. Being handed a brand-new newborn still sorta freaks me out - they're SO tiny! - but I'm sure your guy can learn, too.
posted by stormyteal at 6:22 PM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I, too, was thinking that you don't need to learn all the ins and outs of a kid from 0 to 8 before you have a kid, but it sounds like both of you are uncomfortable with his lack of comfortability. So finding opportunities, like at a community center, or asking at the fire station if there is some community outreach that he could do, would be good for helping you both find that level of comfort. (i.e. you are both honest going in that this is not a learn all the things moment)
On a different note I will say one of the few scary moments in our parenting life was when there wasn't a clear hand-off. I know he was "put in charge" of their child, but maybe he didn't understand he was the only adult watching. I don't know if that was a factor in your situation, but as parents or temporary care-givers, always discuss before handing off, who is in charge of whom and in cases of either multiple children/multiple potential "watchers" - never assume.
And make those communications SUPER clear if there is water nearby (lake/pool/etc.). This is where I get choked up when I think about the confusion at the beach one year (only one child, but three adults). Let my experience be your reminder. I can't imagine he doesn't know about water safety as a first responder, but I tell my story because it is about water safety and "who is in charge." We had a happy ending, but not every one does.
posted by dawg-proud at 9:35 PM on August 4, 2015
On a different note I will say one of the few scary moments in our parenting life was when there wasn't a clear hand-off. I know he was "put in charge" of their child, but maybe he didn't understand he was the only adult watching. I don't know if that was a factor in your situation, but as parents or temporary care-givers, always discuss before handing off, who is in charge of whom and in cases of either multiple children/multiple potential "watchers" - never assume.
And make those communications SUPER clear if there is water nearby (lake/pool/etc.). This is where I get choked up when I think about the confusion at the beach one year (only one child, but three adults). Let my experience be your reminder. I can't imagine he doesn't know about water safety as a first responder, but I tell my story because it is about water safety and "who is in charge." We had a happy ending, but not every one does.
posted by dawg-proud at 9:35 PM on August 4, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Does his station ever go speak at schools?
There's a lot of volunteering with kids that would love more men. Find your local volunteering organisation, they'll be able to help him find something.
But also, lots of us weren't great with kids before having our own. Doesn't mean you won't be great parents.
posted by stellathon at 1:40 AM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]