Boyfriend extremely pushy with sex
August 3, 2015 2:27 PM   Subscribe

I have been seeing someone for 4 months. Quite a few times he was very pushy with having sex while I am sick or during period when I made it clear that I don't want to. He never actually crosses the line in forcing me to do it but I still feel weirded out.

Most recent episode. I have been sick with a urinary tract infection for a couple of weeks. I was told my a doctor not to have sex until it clears up and 2 weeks after. I told my bf a about this and he seemed very understanding, bought me cranberry juice and asking me how I am feeling a lot.

When it came time to see him and sleep over, I told him that I can't have sex and he said that it's OK, we will just cuddle. So we started kissing and he was taking my clothes off. I told him that maybe we should stop because I can't have full sex but he said that he just wants to feel my skin. So we get into bed with no clothes and he tries to get on top of me. I gently push him away and we keep on kissing. He tries it again and I literally had to hold my legs crossed and told him "we can't". He asked "why?" even though I explained beforehand. After we drifted off to sleep, I would wake up periodically with him trying to take my panties off. He never forced it after I said "no!" but I was annoyed that he kept trying.

This is not the first time it happened. I told him few times before that he can come over but I can't have sex because of a heavy period. Every single time he tried to take my clothes off and have sex.

This is in contrast to his kind and gentle nature otherwise but is really freaking me out and making me feel like he doesn't care about my wellbeing at all.

Am I over-reacting?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (84 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

 
Ugh dump him and tell him why. You are absolutely not overreacting, this is unacceptable behavior.
posted by mskyle at 2:30 PM on August 3, 2015 [160 favorites]


You are not over-reacting. You have clear and immediate permission from a total stranger to dump this guy.
posted by bilabial at 2:30 PM on August 3, 2015 [14 favorites]


Nope, not over-reacting.
posted by corvine at 2:30 PM on August 3, 2015 [13 favorites]


I would say you're under-reacting. This is really unacceptable behavior and a sign that he has zero respect for you or your boundaries.
posted by brainmouse at 2:31 PM on August 3, 2015 [104 favorites]


You are not overreacting. This is extremely troubling, and would be grounds for me kicking someone to the curb so hard they bounce. He is prioritizing his desire for sex over your health, your comfort, and your consent, and that's completely unacceptable and something you not only don't have to live with, you should NOT try to live with. It's likely to screw with your self-esteem and your enjoyment of sex in general.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:31 PM on August 3, 2015 [120 favorites]


This starts bad (pushy, disregards your needs, wants, and well-being), and gets worse (taking your underwear off while you're unconscious?! WTF?). Not OK, not normal, not going to get better. Should dump him. Most guys will not act like this.
posted by grouse at 2:33 PM on August 3, 2015 [27 favorites]


This is really gross, and guys like this deserve to be single forever until they figure out how gross it is.

Don't expect him to change, nor try and train him to be better, he is a grown ass man(at least in theory) and not a puppy that peed on the floor.
posted by emptythought at 2:33 PM on August 3, 2015 [16 favorites]


yeah, seems an entirely legit grounds for noping out. If you decide instead to make an ultimatum (and don't feel you have to) then write it down and stick to it.

As a guy, I can confirm that our peener is not a thing that shrivels and falls off it is not quenched regularly, he shouldn't be doing this.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:36 PM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


Dude is an asshat. 4 months of emotional investment isn't worth the headache and uphill battle of trying to "fix" him. You don't have to be the training wheels while this guy figures out how to be in an adult relationship.

Dump him and (if you want to) tell him exactly why.
posted by phunniemee at 2:36 PM on August 3, 2015 [7 favorites]


You are not overreacting at all. This is completely not normal and not acceptable. DTMFA.
posted by SisterHavana at 2:36 PM on August 3, 2015 [9 favorites]


This is seriously fucked-up behavior. Do not see this person again.
posted by rachaelfaith at 2:36 PM on August 3, 2015 [8 favorites]


I dated a guy like that (behaved EXACTLY like that in regards to sex), and it eventually escalated to him forcing his way into my home when I told him I didn't want to see him that night. He slapped me and I was very scared . Men that ignore boundaries can become dangerous as the slope gets slippery. Get out now before it gets worse.
posted by cakebatter at 2:37 PM on August 3, 2015 [93 favorites]


After we drifted off to sleep, I would wake up periodically with him trying to take my panties off.

Dump him and block him. Please do this today. Now.
posted by kinetic at 2:37 PM on August 3, 2015 [33 favorites]


When you break up with him prepare for someone like this to become violent and keep harassing you (my guy texted me over 100 times in the 30 minutes before I blocked him and then showed up and pounded on my doors and windows as I cowered in the basement). So be in a safe place, preferably with someone with you or at least tell someone what is going on, and don't meet him alone or at your house to do it. Be safe.
posted by cakebatter at 2:41 PM on August 3, 2015 [53 favorites]


You are not overreacting at all. He is being very sexually coercive, not respecting your boundaries, and it's, frankly, a very rapey way to be interacting with you. This is not how a kind and gentle man behaves. Not at all. Get rid of him and be prepared for him to react very poorly and abuse your boundaries again.
posted by quince at 2:43 PM on August 3, 2015 [12 favorites]


Am I over-reacting?

Rather the opposite. His behaviour is very very wrong.
posted by Solomon at 2:43 PM on August 3, 2015 [9 favorites]


Not overreacting even a teensy-tiny little bit --- heck, I'd call what this dude is doing is just one small step from committing date rape! For crying out loud, how many times and how many ways do you have to tell him NO before he gets it: no sex until the infection is gone; no sex/but let's just lay here together; no sex/but "I wanna feel your skin"; no sex/trying to pull off your panties anyway; no sex/trying REPEATEDLY to force your legs apart....

And all this at just the four-month mark, when he OUGHT to still be on his BEST behavior and trying to impress you with what a thoughtful guy he is! You have two choices here, since he clearly doesn't give a damn what you want or say: one is to literally keep a locked door between you when you don't want sex --- he doesn't even get to come over to your place on those occasions. The other choice, the one I'd recommend, is dump the jerk: there are plenty of nice non-potential-date rapists out there.
posted by easily confused at 2:45 PM on August 3, 2015 [12 favorites]


This is sexual assault and not acceptable partner behavior. I dated a man like this once, and he always stopped short of actually forced sex - right up until the day he didn't. Remember, people are usually at their BEST behavior early in a relationship, and this is probably it. Please leave him as soon as you can. Don't give him the chance to show real bad behavior.
posted by a hat out of hell at 2:45 PM on August 3, 2015 [69 favorites]


I practically spat that last post out of my e-mouth before i had even finished the thought, but several friends of mine have dated guys like this and it ALWAYS escalates.

This isn't just "he doesn't know any better" behavior, this is basic disrespect and boundary crashing that turns in to either assault, abuse, or other scary stuff like what cakebatter mentioned about the guy forcing his way into their house.

I can't actually remember or think of a story in which the guy got better and more respectful.

I'm reiterating, i know, but this is not something he's going to "learn to be better" about. This is a basic lack of respect. He KNOWS you don't want to, he's just willfully ignoring the message.

"It's not that they don't understand, they just don't like the answer" and similar reading about men understanding cues but either pretending not to or outright ignoring them when it comes to sex would be good reading here. This is absolutely willful.
posted by emptythought at 2:46 PM on August 3, 2015 [66 favorites]


You're not overreacting. Dump him and find someone who cares about you enough to respect your No.
posted by SillyShepherd at 2:46 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Can you imagine what he'll be like three years from now when he's no longer even trying to show you his best side?
posted by HotToddy at 2:54 PM on August 3, 2015 [18 favorites]


This is assault. Run, don't walk. And yes, protect yourself, and be ready to block him on all fronts.

Good luck, I will be thinking good thoughts for you, and hugs, if you want them.
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:55 PM on August 3, 2015 [6 favorites]


You are not over-reacting. Your boyfriend is not kind and gentle. He does not care about your well being, exactly as restless-nomad said with your health and consent. He does not respect you, he does not respect your body, and he does not respect your boundaries. You only have to say no or give a reason for not being able to/ not wanting to have sex ONCE. In fact, you do not need to give reasons to him or anybody else, ever. Him attempting to take off your panties WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING after you said no to sex is sexual assault. Him getting on top of you to the point you have to cross your legs after you said no is sexual assault. Him trying to take your clothes off after you said no is sexual assault.

There is no such thing as "extremely" pushy when it comes to sex. Pushiness at any level shows a blatant disregard for your body, your boundaries, and you as a person with your own agency. He is treating you as an object, and his "kind and gentle nature" is even possibly a calculated front due to some kind of mistaken notion that's what's necessary for him to get sex, much like how one treats a car in order to get more miles out of it. You are not an object, you are a human being.

Dump him immediately and listen to the good advice here about boundaries. The people here giving that advice care about you as a person more than he does.
posted by barchan at 2:57 PM on August 3, 2015 [19 favorites]


You are very, very much underreacting to this. He's testing to see how permeable your boundaries are, and he's going to just keep getting worse. Dump him. If he promises to get better, think of all the promises he broke already.
posted by jeather at 2:57 PM on August 3, 2015 [10 favorites]


After we drifted off to sleep, I would wake up periodically with him trying to take my panties off. He never forced it after I said "no!" but I was annoyed that he kept trying.

This is sexual assault. You have every right to leave him over this. His lack of respect for your boundaries will only get worse over time.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.
posted by fireandthud at 2:58 PM on August 3, 2015 [11 favorites]


You are not overreacting even the slightest bit. This is awful behavior and you should remove this person from your life with all haste.
posted by jess at 3:03 PM on August 3, 2015 [6 favorites]


This is in contrast to his kind and gentle nature otherwise but is really freaking me out and making me feel like he doesn't care about my wellbeing at all.

The reason it is making you feel like he doesn't care is because he's showing you he doesn't care. Dump him.
posted by Gygesringtone at 3:14 PM on August 3, 2015 [13 favorites]


OK, so nthing here to dump him . . . he is translating your noes into yeses in his head, and you are a very short step away from being raped. In addition, he is already sexually assaulting you.

But let me add that you really need to safety plan too. Please contact a DV outfit, because like cakebatter, I think this man sounds obsessed with you. DV advocacy groups are excellent at safety planning, and if you tell them what has been going on I think they will be very helpful.

Take care of you. I am so sorry this has been happening and applaud your decision to ask for some advice and support about it.
posted by bearwife at 3:14 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


I want to add, too, that you shouldn't blame yourself for underreacting to this. Society -- and, quite certainly your boyfriend himself -- work very hard at making these things seem okay or not so bad, and it's very hard to know how to cope with someone who is sometimes nice and caring and sometimes juuuuust going past your boundaries, stopping when you comment, then trying again.
posted by jeather at 3:15 PM on August 3, 2015 [52 favorites]


How can you sleep next to someone like that? Can you get real, rejuvenating sleep knowing that the person lying next to you might start doing invasive things to you at any moment? And if you can't ever really sleep, how are you going to live your life? What are you going to do, just drink more coffee? Maybe you'll end up taking sleeping pills to get to sleep at night...leaving yourself even more vulnerable than before.

This isn't something you can realistically live with and still be happy. Regardless of what you think about him personally, and regardless of whether he escalates this behavior later on, he's already putting you in a situation that's going to become intolerable very quickly. Basically, life with him is going to make your life feel intolerable. So...whatever you decide to do, I hope you stop letting him sleep over, so that he can't steal that important, healing time away from you. And I hope you get some better locks for your doors, just so you can sleep even more soundly.
posted by sam_harms at 3:17 PM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


Please listen to cakebatter's advice. Don't just dump this guy, but dump him, warn others, and change your locks.

I do not tell people to DTFMA lightly, especially not strangers on the internet, based on brief one-sided accounts, but: DTFMA.

I have a general rule, where if I give someone a clear, unequivocal "no" to ANYTHING, and they persist, I go full asshole on them (because they have gone full asshole on me). This includes people trying to sell me something, people who want me to go to a movie I don't want to see, and things like that.

This isn't even that. This is a guy who is persistently ignoring your clearly stated boundaries, trying to override your bodily autonomy, and sexually assaulting you.

If you let him get away with this in any way, shape, or form, he is going to continue those behaviors. He is going to continue to test your boundaries until you have no boundaries left. He has already started this behavior after only four months together.

This man is currently grooming you for an abusive relationship, and it will never be easier to extricate yourself than it is now.
posted by ernielundquist at 3:17 PM on August 3, 2015 [27 favorites]


There's nothing kind and gentle about a man who is:

1. At the very least, refusing to respect your body, your desires and your boundaries. It's selfish and rude; four months is usually somewhat short a time in which to tell what someone is really like, but you lucked out - he's showing you his true colors, and it won't stop here.

2. At the very worst, is attempting to rape you.

Follow your instincts - if you had to ask this question, you know something isn't right.
posted by Everydayville at 3:19 PM on August 3, 2015 [7 favorites]


You really need to dump this unsafe person. I will add that you need to do this either a) in a public place, or b) by phone or text from a safe place that is not your home. He's either going to slink off after telling you that you're overreacting and just don't understand him, or he's going to lose his shit. You need to have some plans in place.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:20 PM on August 3, 2015 [14 favorites]


You are underreacting, if anything.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:22 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


This post from last year leapt to mind when I read your question, because I've never forgotten what I quoted from the main link:

I said No. Sophia Katz said No. Saying No was easy, making the man who wanted to hear Yes listen to me when I said No was the challenge. A man who wants to hear a Yes will find a way to drag it out of you.

Your boyfriend does not want to hear your No. This is not a safe person to be around, and you should get away as fast and safely as you can.
posted by rtha at 3:23 PM on August 3, 2015 [17 favorites]


this guy sounds like a rapist, i hope you get away from him. dump him from far away where he can't fly into a rage!
posted by zdravo at 3:23 PM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


You emphasize that he stopped when you said "no". (Of course, he didn't stop forever, or else you wouldn't have had to say no more than once that evening. Instead, he just stopped for a little while before trying again. But let's put that aside.) I think you're emphasizing this because you take how he behaved after you said "no" as some indication as to whether he respects you or not, whether his actions count as sexual assault or not. I take it your thinking is something like this: "If he didn't respect me, he wouldn't have stopped when I said no. If he didn't care about me, he wouldn't have stopped when I said no."

But I think it's a bit of a mistake to conceptualize this sort of issue as, "What did he do after I said no?" Instead, the better way is this: "What did he do, before I said yes?"

"Yes" is the magic word. "Yes" is consent. The "yes" matters because it lets you know what the other person wants. "Yes" is the point at which two mutually-respecting people come together. Before the "yes", you do not have respect. Before the "yes", you have sexual assault.

So, sure, he stopped after you said no. But, note: he didn't wait for your yes.

That, I think, is why so many people are so distressed on your behalf. He didn't care if you said yes, he only cared once you said no (several times over!). It didn't matter to him whether you said "yes". And that's why what he did was wrong. He disrespected the fact that you are a person who gets to say "yes" and have that matter.

Your "yes" matters just as much as your "no". Please, go find someone who loves your "yes", who respects it as a valuable, a meaningful, an integral part of your sexual life.
posted by meese at 3:24 PM on August 3, 2015 [42 favorites]


You are under no obligation to warn others or to tell him why you are dumping him.

Take care of yourself. Please try to do something kind for yourself this week. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I am so sorry you're sick and that your (soon-to-be-ex, I hope) boyfriend is a rapey asshole.
posted by sockermom at 3:24 PM on August 3, 2015 [9 favorites]


He's probably has never been very successful at relating to women. He probably has a lot of childish, pent-up resentment towards women. This relationship, like others before, will be of limited duration and before it ends, he's going to try to have as much sex as possible. Get the hell out.
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:44 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Dump. This. Jerk.

This kind of behavior makes me very concerned about your safety. When you do break up with this guy, please do it in a very public place, and have your escape route planned out. Have a friend meet up with you afterwards if you can.
posted by LilithSilver at 3:49 PM on August 3, 2015 [9 favorites]


The last guy I dated encouraged me to rest and relax whenever I had my period, even though he wanted sex. He never, even if he was drunk and stoned or even if he was sober , pushed me to do anything at all. He was always willing to take no for an answer.

My LT ex, who was highly educated, even worked at a legal clinic dedicated to helping DV and victims of rape, for some scary reason, liked to have sex with me whenever I was extremely drunk or whenever he sensed my reluctance (bleeding heavily, etc). It never felt right. I was too inexperienced with men and too infatuated at the time to properly assess it. I just remember how I did things because I was afraid he was going to be angry with me.

So, I encourage you to untangle yourself from this. Anyone else I slept with after him, they never seemed to objectify me during sex. They paid attention to how I was feeling, if I wanted it, if I felt well or if I felt sick. Unlike my LT ex, they never just used me as a means to get off.

So if he's not respecting you and empathizing with you or caring if you feel well or not, he doesn't respect you and he's using your body without any loving intentions. And that has implications for how much he loves and respects you, and whether he's able to do those things at all.
posted by discopolo at 3:54 PM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


Dump. This. Jerk.

This kind of behavior makes me very concerned about your safety. When you do break up with this guy, please do it in a very public place, and have your escape route planned out. Have a friend meet up with you afterwards if you can.


I just want to emphasize this. Please be safe and reach out to family/friends/support during this time so you can feel safe afterwards.
posted by Tiye at 3:55 PM on August 3, 2015 [7 favorites]


I very rarely say this but DTMFA! The pushiness is bad but if you hadn't woken up he would have raped you in your sleep. There's very little you could do that would be an over-reaction to this situation.

He is not kind and gentle, he is doing whatever it takes to get you to have sex with him. He brought you cranberry juice because he thought it would get you better quicker so you would have sex with him. He wasn't asking how you were doing out of concern for your health, it was out of concern for when he could next get laid.

You say he didn't force it after you said "no". In a mature, respectful relationship you shouldn't have to literally say the word no, to get him to stop trying to have sex with you. You told him up front that you couldn't have sex because of the UTI, you told him again when he tried to take your clothes off, you pushed him off you and literally have to prevent him penetrating you by crossing your legs and you again, told him that you couldn't have sex. No means no, but so do all those other things.
posted by missmagenta at 4:00 PM on August 3, 2015 [12 favorites]


Run away! This guy sexually assaulted you. Make a plan for your safety through the breakup.
posted by rainbowbrite at 4:02 PM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


Dump this failed rapist. He's only not a rapist because you caught him out. He has the intent and way relating to his victim as a rapist does, just not the follow through. What would you have woken up to if you hadn't woken up when he tried to take off your panties? Are you sure you caught every single attempt?

Dump him, block him, and tell the whole damn world why you're doing it and what happened, both so that potential future victims are warned and so that if he escalates after he's dropped, there's a paper trail and people know not to give out any of your information to him or help him get around your blockade. No, you're not under any obligation to do so, but these kind of assholes will go psycho if they're so inclined no matter what you do; staying silent and letting him think anything other than the truth will not keep you safe, and if he's going to show up at your door at 2AM in a rage because you went no contact, he won't be any more or less provoked if you "slander his good name" or whatever. Crazy entitled guy behavior isn't rational, nothing women do causes it and nothing women do as individuals can stop it.

He's probably has never been very successful at relating to women. He probably has a lot of childish, pent-up resentment towards women. This relationship, like others before, will be of limited duration and before it ends, he's going to try to have as much sex as possible. Get the hell out.

There's nothing childish about that kind of resentment towards women. If it has a characteristic, it's that it's male, not "immature" or whatever other vaguely exculpatory euphemism people like to come up with. I've seen middle-aged men in positions of power and prestige pull this kind of shit on my friends, there's nothing childish about it. Specifically, he's not going to "grow out of it" and even implying that is a mistake.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 4:04 PM on August 3, 2015 [15 favorites]


dump this skeevy piece of shit at a speed fast enough that he bursts into flames.
posted by poffin boffin at 4:06 PM on August 3, 2015 [13 favorites]


This is in contrast to his kind and gentle nature otherwise but is really freaking me out and making me feel like he doesn't care about my wellbeing at all.
Your feelings are right here. Listen to yourself. You are smart and know this is not right.

You are ill with a UTI and shouldn't be having sex as per your doctor's orders.

I had a boyfriend that forced sex on me when I was recovering from a UTI.

That relationship was not a healthy or good one for me. At all. At all. I wish I had listened to the voice in me that was telling me that this guy was not treating me well. I think the reason people are being so vehement here in this thread is that we have been there and like you we second-guessed ourselves to our later regret.

Here's the thing: your gut is not wrong. But the situation you are in is very confusing, and doubting yourself is normal. It's really strange and... dehumanizing to be treated how you are being treated, and for those of us who have never experienced something like this it can be quite a mindfuck (excuse my French).

I'm so sorry about what is happening to you. Trust your gut. Trust yourself. Your instinct is right: he does not care about your well-being. He is willing to violate your physical boundaries while you are sleeping. He is willing to push you for sex. And he is willing to have sex with you while you are asleep and recovering from a UTI. He is willing to rape you. This has a direct effect on your health and well-being. The effect is not positive. I'm so sorry to confirm what is very hard to believe: this guy does not care at all about you or your well-being, despite how kind and gentle he is when he is not assaulting you. I am not being hyperbolic. What he is doing to you is assault.

Take care.
posted by sockermom at 4:06 PM on August 3, 2015 [23 favorites]


Another thing I'll just add. Scroll up and re-read your post, and pretend that it's an email coming from your sister/best friend/future daughter/fill in the blank. Sometimes we are way harder on ourselves and it's a lot easier to doubt our own judgement and right to be treated well. When you think about someone else in the situation, it can become much clearer.
posted by rainbowbrite at 4:16 PM on August 3, 2015 [11 favorites]


Dump. His. Ass. NOW!

Do it over the phone, when your at someone else's house or otherwise not alone because in all honesty this guy sounds like he's gonna push against that no.

I mean what will happen if he gets really drunk and can't hear your "no"? He'll force himself on you which is rape and he'll do it again and again and after that point he won't even listen to no.

And don't give him the benefit of the doubt about him being kind and caring. Take off the rose colored glasses and analyze this, you know it's bad and you deserve so much better.

Every domestic abuser was "nice" at first. If they went around hitting women on the first date it wouldn't work very well. They start out nice and then they push and push until you bend and sometimes break.

DTMFA
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 4:33 PM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


This is beyond him being pushy when, like, you're having your period or aren't in the mood, and that may not be entirely clear to him and he thinks maybe you'll get in the mood after he tries to initiate. Not saying that's cool or anything.

But like I said, this is way beyond that. You told him you couldn't have sex because of a health condition and doctor's orders (UTI), and he tried to get you to have sex anyway. That shows a basic disregard for your health and well-being.

He also tried to take your panties off after you told him you didn't want to fuck and had fallen asleep. That shows, um, rape-ey behavior. Seriously not okay.

Like everyone else, I think you're underreacting.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:43 PM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


This is the very first time I've written DTMFA! Please, do it now, do it safely, and do it in no uncertain terms.
posted by Dolley at 4:54 PM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


2nding jeather's comment: "You shouldn't blame yourself for underreacting."

We (especially women involved with men) are told that "good relationships don't just happen -- you have to work at them." Well, there's work, and then there's construction work.

And your sweet self deserves somebody who's just as loving and giving as you are -- not a dude who tries to violate your body and your boundaries when you're vulnerable.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you find peace and safety.
posted by virago at 5:26 PM on August 3, 2015 [9 favorites]


Am I over-reacting?

No doubt I'm n-thing everyone else in the thread, but yeah, you're not over reacting in the slightest. His behavior is totally grounds for immediate dumping. Why? Because it's only going to get worse. If he's like this after only 4 months, can you imagine what it would be like after 8? 12?

Leave and don't have the slightest regret.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:40 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


You're not overreacting at all. This guy is bad news, he is not respecting your space, your health, your doctor's advice, your desire to get a good night's sleep, or your consent. You repeatedly told him no and he repeatedly did not respect that. He is not confused and not nice.

Please take the advice of everyone who is concerned for your safety. Dump him over the phone, have a safety plan, and do not be alone with him. You do not have to give him a reason, and you do not have to try to educate him - he knows what he's doing perfectly well. Put your safety first.
posted by bile and syntax at 5:51 PM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


There are two reasons to chime in with the Universal Chorus of Run:

1) As he clearly is not smart enough to go to the bathroom and deal with himself in private, you should be worried. About smartness.

2) During a long life together, there will inevitably be periods where sex is not possible, for a large variety of reasons. That's just life for you. Since he's clearly unable to adjust to relatively minor temporary obstacles, he's simply not ready for partnership.

So yes, let him go. Be grateful that he gave you such clear signs so early on.
posted by Namlit at 6:02 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


I dislike the AskMe DTMFA cliche because it so often overlooks nuance, but this is the DTMFA-iest AskMe I've ever seen. This isn't a red flag this is the red army marching through red square with rocket launchers that launch red fireworks that spell out DUMP ME I DON'T UNDERSTAND CONSENT.
posted by Wretch729 at 6:23 PM on August 3, 2015 [52 favorites]


This dude has handed you the gift* of letting you know that you should dump him ASAP before things get any more complicated. Lots of abusers are more subtle and insidious than this, so at least you've gotten the early warning of an inept and ham-fisted rapist instead of a clever and cunning one.

*Rhetorically speaking. This is not actually a gift and nobody deserves the kind of treatment you're receiving.
posted by zug at 7:06 PM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


I dislike the AskMe DTMFA cliche because it so often overlooks nuance, but this is the DTMFA-iest AskMe I've ever seen. This isn't a red flag this is the red army marching through red square with rocket launchers that launch red fireworks that spell out DUMP ME I DON'T UNDERSTAND CONSENT.

I'd bet a lot of people who also dislike the cliché are piling in on this one because of that, I'd count myself among them. Best case; he needs to grow up and it's not your job to teach him, worst case, well it's pretty bad. Leave, find someone nice, be safe, etc.
posted by Sebmojo at 7:43 PM on August 3, 2015


I dated a man like this once, and he always stopped short of actually forced sex - right up until the day he didn't. - posted by a hat out of hell

This. I also very recently dated a guy that would fall into this category.

When it actually happened, I was so stunned that afterward I acted like absolutely nothing happened. When I saw him a couple days later, that was still my frame of mind. But then HE was acting remorseful. It was at that point - and not until that point - that I lost it. It scared me that it took witnessing his guilt and understanding that he knew what he did was not okay - yet did it anyway - to shake me up and realize that something wrong had transpired.

Please don't let things escalate that far. I could have benefitted from not trying to keep my emotions under control.
posted by themoonfromthesea at 7:57 PM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


Find anything of his that you may have and put it in the mail to him.
Forget about anything of yours that he might have.
Change your locks if he ever had access to your keys and was out of your sight.
Block him or mute him on social media, email, etc. You may want to have a trusted friend read any emails he sends you/check his twitter account/etc. to monitor for threats.
Warn mutual friends, work, family, anyone who he might use to try to reach out to you and that you do not want to speak with him ever again. If they press and want to know why, you don't have to tell them anything other than it's personal.
Go to a friend's house, call him, and dump his ass. You don't have to tell him why if you're concerned about your safety. Just say that you are no longer dating him, you've sent him his stuff, and then hang up.
Block his number.
Take care of yourself. You're going to find yourself furious, questioning what happened, you might want to beat yourself up, etc. Be kind to yourself. You're going to be with you for the rest of your life. Hopefully you won't be with him any longer than it will take to finish reading the responses in this thread.
posted by angelchrys at 8:13 PM on August 3, 2015 [8 favorites]


Dump his ass. Take care, make sure to have a friend around when you do, in fact this is one of the few cases where I feel dumping by text is perfectly fine, do not respond to his texts/calls etc after you break up, stay safe. You are completely & totally UNDER REACTING, his sense of entitlement is scary & will not get better.
posted by wwax at 8:13 PM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


I know some of these commenters sound like alarmists and like they don't understand that he's OK apart from the bedroom issues, but you need to understand that he's probably not as harmless as you think. You haven't known him for very long. It can take years to really get to know someone and to see their underbelly. Someone could have all of the (seemingly) greatest qualities in the world, but if they lack the most basic fundamental quality of respecting someone else's wishes sexually, then there's something very wrong with them. His having a complete lack of respect for and understanding of your boundaries is indicative of an unstable personality type.

Whether it's biochemical, a result of feral childhood where they received no guidance and lessons in respect, or an underdeveloped center in the brain for empathy, I have no idea. But these types of people are more common than one would imagine and very unstable. You need to remove him from your life, and tactfully. This sort of behavior usually escalates when the person becomes more comfortable with you and feels like they have you under their thumb. Since he obviously feels entitled to your body and sees you as a plaything to satisfy his petty sexual desires, then he very well might end up seeing you as someone he can abuse.

I agree with the others who have suggested that you go about dumping him carefully. If you dump him in person and you're alone with him, he may assault you. Don't even hint that you may be considering a breakup when you're with him. Don't hint that you are considering a breakup and then see him. Break up with him over the phone or through an email, and make sure you're with a friend or family member at the time. If he does have the capacity for violence and threatens you and this escalates, you need a witness, not to mention someone there for safety purposes.

He may not be the type to stalk, harass, and rape someone who rejects him, but you don't know that. What you do know is that he doesn't listen to you when you tell him no. And it's early enough that you may just not have seen his true colors yet. You don't need to take that risk. There will be other more worthy men to date in the future who will respect and listen to your desires. Please be careful and head the advice in this thread
posted by Avosunspin at 8:22 PM on August 3, 2015 [13 favorites]


*heed the advice

Also, please don't see him after you've broken up with him, if that's what you decide to do. He may 'play nice' to get you to see him after the fact, but secretly his intent might be to assault you as punishment.
posted by Avosunspin at 8:28 PM on August 3, 2015 [8 favorites]


At the very least he's seen too much porn/anime where the woman protests initially, but gets turned on when the man persists. But yeah, what that really is in real life is attempted rape.

Consider this also: knowing that the doctor told you not to have sex for your health, he should be the one declining even if you got carried away and initiated, because he wants what's best for you. He doesn't want what's best for you.
posted by ctmf at 8:49 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


2nding jeather's comment: "You shouldn't blame yourself for underreacting."

3rding. It is hard to know what is normal especially when the guy is "kind and gentle" the vast majority of the time. It is very common for people in your situation to want to excuse the other person's behavior.

A good relationship with a kind and gentle person would look like this:

Boyfriend: "Hey, let's have sex tonight"
You: "Actually, my doctor said I shouldn't while I'm recovering from this UTI"
BF: "Oh ok. Do you want to cuddle instead?"
You: "Sure."
BF: [does not do anything other than what you've agreed to]
...
[2 weeks later]
BF: "How are you feeling?"
You: "I'm not sure I'm fully recovered yet."
BF: "Oh ok. I hope you feel better, can I pick up some cranberry juice for you? Want to watch a movie on Netflix?"

Now, inside he might be disappointed or really horny or whatever, but he keeps that to himself and takes care of his horniness on his own. A kind and gentle person does not make that your problem to solve and certainly doesn't inflict himself up on you.

Good luck and be safe.
posted by desjardins at 8:50 PM on August 3, 2015 [18 favorites]


I agree with the consensus: he is gross and inappropriate, and this is when he is on his best behavior. Drop him like a rock and find someone who treats you with care and respect.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:13 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


You are most definitely not overreacting. When someone crosses a sexual boundary for their benefit, to your detriment, that is a gigantic red flag.

An ex once pressured me to have sex after I'd had a cone biopsy done on my cervix. Pressured me even after the doctor told him I needed to heal for six weeks. Pressured me even when he could see I was bleeding every time I stood. I was dumbfounded that anyone with two brain cells to rub together would ask someone who's bleeding profusely after surgery on their pink bits why they didn't want to have sex.

It was then I realized that this guy did not see me as an actual person. Your guy does not see you as an actual person, either: you are his current means to get his dick wet.

It took another year before I was able to disentangle myself from that ex, and it was a very ugly year. Please don't make the mistake I did. Stop seeing this guy while you still can.
posted by culfinglin at 9:26 PM on August 3, 2015 [21 favorites]


Um, I'm not even reading any of the other responses because after reading your question, it's very clear what my response is: No, you are not overreacting. Yes, you should dump this guy.

Don't second guess your gut feeling. Aside from being creepy, weird and violating, beyond the sexual aspect, it's also just selfish, inconsiderate and rude. Anyway you choose to look at this, this guy is bad news.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:50 PM on August 3, 2015


There's nothing left for me to say except ditto and pretty, pretty please listen to everyone here.

They're showing more concern about your well-being than he is.
posted by stormyteal at 11:03 PM on August 3, 2015


Well everyone else said what I was going to, so need to pile on. But can I just add, yuck?
posted by Toddles at 11:04 PM on August 3, 2015


In my experience, this particular flavor of self-centeredness isn't limited to his getting sex when(ever) he wants it. It shows up in other acts of cavalier disregard for what benefits you versus what benefits him -- because fundamentally he views your relationship as a "versus," in which he aims to "win," not a joint-mutual-uplifting project that you two are teamed up on. He may have some good manners and generous moments and be fun/interesting/charming/whatever, but the truth is that THIS is what is inside him. This is his conscience, his character. And it is Not Good. It is not a wellspring of love and light and caring, all of which you 100% deserve.

I suspect that you'll find he is unnervingly comfortable with your discomfort in many other contexts: disagreements, making social plans, grocery shopping, family/career support, you name it.

Think about the kind of partner you want -- the kind of person who would be bothered by ANYONE treating you poorly, even a stranger, let alone willingly being the one perpetrating it. Someone who views your happiness as a worthy goal unto itself, one that they're delightedly tripping over themselves to try to help achieve. Your joy/comfort/wellbeing makes THEM happy. And vice versa! Lots of "Yay! Go us!"

This guy? He is NOT that guy. I nth the consensus above: You've seen who he is and what he's offering... and your life will only improve the moment you close this chapter. Please get away from him.
posted by argonauta at 11:07 PM on August 3, 2015 [14 favorites]


You are not over-reacting. There is nothing wrong with you. There is a great deal wrong with this guy, and his violation of your boundaries, and you need him out of your life.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by Pink Frost at 11:22 PM on August 3, 2015


This behavior is skeevy, horrible, and gross.

And even if you somehow find a way to internally dismiss or excuse the behavior - it's entirely incompatible with so many good things, like actually giving you intimate physical comfort when wanted without putting his wants before yours. So you get the yuck, and not the yum.
posted by Jack Karaoke at 12:20 AM on August 4, 2015


I had a boyfriend like that. Twenty years on it still bugs me that he had so little respect for me that I had to say no over and over. You say he doesn't force you after you say no - well why does he keep trying? He should respect your first no and bloody well leave it at that! A good person doesn't treat you like that. He's a creepy arsehole who is hearing 'blah blah blah' when you speak and you deserve SO much more than that. All the best to you.
posted by kitten magic at 3:30 AM on August 4, 2015 [7 favorites]


I'm a guy, and here to add to the pile on. This dude's behavior is nowhere near acceptable right now, and I'd agree that it's only likely to get worse. You are not overreacting even a little bit, and his shocking lack of concern for you is not something you should just expect or accept from any guy. Take steps to protect yourself first, then dump him. And look out for actions that violate your boundaries with anyone else you date -- it's a major red flag.
posted by Gelatin at 7:33 AM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]


There is a line between "high sex drive" and "probable rapist" that line is respect for consent.

He's way over that line. He passed that line some time ago and isn't looking back.
posted by French Fry at 7:42 AM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]


jesus christ, i'm horrified. run as far and as fast as possible, and protect yourself when you do it because this guy has rape threat written all over his face.

also, just in cast that isn't clear enough: you do not need a reason to not have sex with anyone, any time, whether or not you're in a sexual relationship with them. you don't need to say "i can't," you should feel safe and comfortable and respected when you say "I don't want to." think this guy will respect that? i don't.
posted by you're a kitty! at 8:21 AM on August 4, 2015 [8 favorites]


Ew. Yuck. Gross. That's my reaction to your boyfriend's behavior. I strongly agree with everyone who is telling you to DTMFA.

Look, I have offered up this advice before on Ask.Metafilter and I'm gonna do it again. Back when I was dating an ex, a friend said something that has really stuck with me:

"You want to be in a relationship that your community -- the people whom you love and respect and care about -- can champion. That is not what you're in right now."

Would your community -- the people whom you love and respect and care about -- champion your current boyfriend if they could read the question you've posted here? Your gut is telling you the answer. Listen to it.

The sooner you dump this guy, the sooner you're free to meet someone else who does not act like this. I promise you, there are so many wonderful guys out there who would never ever act like this.

For what it's worth from a stranger on the internet, a long time ago, I date a guy for a whole year (a whole year!) who sounds a lot like your boyfriend. Some of the memories of what he did still make me feel sick to think about. But, of course, it's not like our entire relationship was like that, which is why I felt confused and stayed for so long. So, I understand (better than most people perhaps) how hard it can be to raise your standards and leave someone. But I'm on other side (with an amazing fiancé, by the way) and I am telling you from the bottom of my heart to DMTFA.
posted by pinetree at 8:49 AM on August 4, 2015 [7 favorites]


You are not overreacting. You said no. He refuses to respect your No. Kick his sorry ass to the curb and tell him "It's because you won't respect my body or my boundaries. No means no, asshole. GTFO."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:47 AM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]


If this is how he is at 4 months... Do you think he's going to be any *more* respectful of your boundaries in another 4 months, after he's had even more practice ignoring your "no" responses?
posted by rmd1023 at 10:05 AM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


Dump him. Please. He's not being pushy, he's sexually assaulting you. It won't get better.
posted by sarcasticah at 4:22 PM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


Guy's a toolbelt. Ditch.
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:09 PM on August 4, 2015


This is in contrast to his kind and gentle nature otherwise

Abusive people often develop the ability to shift into sweet-mode because it gives them cover for their actions, helps sway popular opinion, and helps them gain access to new victims.

Nthing that this guy is creepy and scary, that you are not overreacting, that you should trust your gut, and that you should dump him immediately.

I am so sorry you're going through this.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 8:43 PM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]


I'm a guy, and adding my voice to the chorus. Dump him and don't look back. If you tell him why, I'd reckon he'll get defensive and try to justify his behavior. Don't let him convince you you're being unreasonable, because this is totally unacceptable. I'm very sorry you have to deal with this.
posted by soonertbone at 1:03 PM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


« Older Tell me about your pituitary tumor!   |   help me find a midsized waterproof mat with a lip Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.