Several losses all at once

August 2, 2015 11:35 PM

A friend of mine decided they do not want to be friends any more. Because of additional circumstances, it has also meant losing a supportive community I'd been part of for a few years. I'm surprised by the intensity of my grief and finding it difficult to cope. I am looking for resources / books / personal accounts / tips to help me get through this.

Backstory: The friend in question is an informal co-leader of a small, tight-knit community that I had been a very active member of for the past few years. We had a disagreement a few months ago and I thought we had talked it out and things were fine, we even made plans to attend an event together. Then I messaged them (as agreed) with additional details about the event and asked if they were game to meet at a specific time... and they didn't respond. The next few months were very painful and confusing - if they had just cut me off completely I think I would have gotten the hint much earlier but they have been sporadically cordial and huggy and then radio silence again. I kept attending the group meetings but over time started feeling more and more awkward - the group is fairly small and it was painful for me to see them standing a few meters away laughing and being affectionate with other people while not even saying hello or making small talk with me. Their spouse would say a polite hello but not talk to me otherwise.

It took me a few months to finally realize they were done with me - so long because there have been a few occasions when they were suddenly nice to me again - but finally it clicked, and now I feel embarrassed about hanging on so long, and doing things like bringing them a small gift for their birthday to one of the group events... ouch.

But finally it sunk in, and I stopped coming to the group events because it was just too painful, and too awkward. I have accepted and grieved the loss of this particular friendship but the loss of the community I loved is more painful that I'd anticipated.

I am sad every day, and my self-esteem has taken a huge hit. I thought time and distance would make me feel better but it's been a few weeks since I last attended and it feels worse now than when I made the decision to leave. It's the summer and so most people probably do not realize I am gone for good and not on a summer break and so people from the group still sometimes contact me about logistics. I always say, sorry I won't be there this week, can you please contact so-and-so to help you... and then I am a mess the rest of the day.

I don't know how to deal with the pain of losing a whole community all at once. There are many resources about dealing with break-up pain but this one is harder - break-ups are part of dating, but most friendships end by just gradually drifting apart, and some days I just feel really down.
Also, the community in question is a church. It's going to be hard finding another one that lines up with my beliefs, so sometimes I am tempted to just go back and just ignore the couple in question. Which sometimes seems like a good idea, and sometimes like a terrible, bad, no good idea.

So, my actual questions. 1. Do you know any resources on dealing with the loss of friendship? I am looking for books, websites, articles, personal accounts, basically anything. 2. Am I a spineless idiot if I just go back for the church part and ignore the interpersonal part? 3. How do I cheer myself up when being around my other friends who still love me doesn't seem to help? I am in grief counseling since the loss of a parent last year but it doesn't seem to help much with the current issue - the therapist is great with analyzing problems but not so great with solutions.

Grateful for any advice or suggestions.

Throwaway email: [e-mail]
Thank you!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

In the years after my mother died, every loss was bringing her loss up again. It took me a long time to realize that was happening, but it meant that even small social slights hit me very very hard. I don't say this to minimize your pain, but more to offer some perspective.

Regarding the situation with your ex-friend-- Aside from her spouse, is the rift affecting your relationship with others in the group? You say it is the loss of the group which makes things extra difficult, but it doesn't sound as though your relationship with the group is bad or awkward. It sounds as though the awkwardness is with your friend. Is she forcing people to choose in a way you don't describe here?

Also, have you spoken to her openly about it at all? Do you see any value in doing so?
posted by frumiousb at 11:50 PM on August 2, 2015

This sounds really horrible, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. Perhaps you could go back to that church one day but right now it's not a safe haven for you. Fortunately, there are many, many wonderful and welcoming church communities who would love for you to join them, whether it's permanently or for one session of worship! Could you start checking out congregations in your area? Asking others if they can recommend any? If you would share your location with us somehow, like through a mod, we could start looking up possibilities. I know it's not a replacement and it can take time to truly become part of a new church, but I'd start that journey now. Most places are going to welcome you with open arms, and that fresh start could help you find more balance again.
posted by smorgasbord at 11:56 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Um. This is not very good behavior coming from a co-leader of a church group. It seems this co-leader has been gradually pushing you from the group (not sure if it's unintentional or otherwise).

Can you talk to the other co-leader or another church leader about this? Regardless of what originally happened, this doesn't seem a good or exemplary way for a church group to resolve issues.
posted by aielen at 12:00 AM on August 3, 2015 [15 favorites]

Well, don't feel badly about not getting a clue sooner! You did FINE. Debating this further in your head sounds like crazy making. As you have noticed.

I don't know why some groups work as you describe, but there you have it.

Kinda sounds like you could still attend and be a part of the group if you can get over not being close with this person.... Some folks can. I could not. So I feel you there.

Grieve some more. Consider going back with a different social dynamic. This single person's rejection does not sound like it precludes your participation in the group unless they are actively being mean - which you have not reported.

You can decide. If the cold shoulder is too much - move on. If you can adjust, adjust! If this person is actively mean now or in the future - RUN.

Life is short. Enjoy the people you spend that time with. If you are too uncomfortable, move on.
posted by jbenben at 12:10 AM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]

Don't let one bad person push you out of the group you love. Going total cold shoulder over a disagreement for months is seriously pathetic.

If you've truly accepted the loss of this friendship, there's no reason not to keep attending the group. Continue as you always have - they're the one being awkward. If they keep ignoring you, people are going to notice (and may already have - that's why the bursts of suddenly being friendly - someone has pointed out to them or asked what's going on with the 2 of you and they start being nice to prove that there's nothing wrong). If they can't even be polite and courteous to you then they're the one that will look foolish, especially as a leader of the group.
posted by missmagenta at 1:04 AM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]

Oh man, I've been through this twice in the last five years - once with a church, and once with a group of friends from work. And it fucking sucks.

Both times, I had a lot of grieving to do. It is like a death - the friendships and the future you had imagined are now closed to you. The people who made up the social fabric of your life are suddenly torn away and it kind of leaves you shapeless and adrift.

For me, having a supportive partner and making more time to spend with the friends I still had helped fill that gap. I wrote a lot of really angry letters I didn't send.

With a church, it's really tough too. The church is supposed to be above the petty drama and failings found in all groups of humans, and so often, it's as bad or worse. It has been a comfort for me that I was by no means the only one who left around that time - in fact, almost 1/3 of the church left within a month of when I did. None of that makes it easier, but it did let me keep some of the connections. I would imagine that once people know you're gone for good, they may reach out. And others may leave for similar reasons. I don't know that I would stay in a church where that kind of behaviour was condoned...strike that. I know that I would leave, as that's exactly what I did.

Here's the bottom line: there's no way to logic yourself out of grief. Losing people, especially when they are so close to you, just sucks. I made it by binge watching LOST and The Good Wife, by trying to see friends who were sympathetic, and by losing myself a bit in work.

As to your actual questions: 1) I read a lot of Anne Lamott, especially Traveling Mercies and Plan B to get through those times. 2) I wouldn't advise that. It's sort of like a break-up - going no contact will make the grieving process go more quickly. But I wouldn't blame you for going back either. 3) Find a new therapist. I imagine that this grief magnified and reflected the death of your parent. You need someone who can help you cope, which requires solutions.

Memail me if you want to talk. This really does suck.
posted by guster4lovers at 2:08 AM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]

In the name of answering your question, I would like to advocate getting a change of scenery if you can. I was grieving the end of something big this time last year, and taking myself out of my city and my usual friend group and my routine, for 10 days or so, really helped me get a different (and healthier) perspective on things.

But can I also add, that there's a lot of self-blame and other negative stuff coming from your post which is sad at the very least, but which I actually felt proper anger about when I read that the group in question is a church group. The whole reason that people come together in church is to try and be better, and if it is a Christian church then forgiveness and love is supposed to be like the ENTIRE THING. The fact that you've been so pushed out implies that something about this group is broken. Are you so sure you want to go back to it, and indeed to the church? Why not find a nicer, kinder one to be part of? Like you say, it might be hard, but it sure sounds like it'd be worth it...
posted by greenish at 2:23 AM on August 3, 2015

I'm so sorry that this has happened, I want reach over the interwebs and give you a hug. Failing that, I would focus on rebuilding the loss of self esteem that this person has caused by realising that in fact your self esteem should be higher than ever - you did *nothing* wrong in giving them the chance to do the right thing, it's they who have failed. In such a small, tight-knit community it's horribly easy for something to be said, misinterpreted and cause a rift between two totally innocent parties. However, the co-leader should have had the courage to do the honorable thing and talk it through with you, s/he has failed there, I think.

If you can, why not go back to the group and enjoy other relationships, both new and old, and just be politely pleasant to the co-leader and spouse as the need arises.

If that's not for you (hoo boy I understand!), then could you join/form another group? Taking on a busy new activity could be the challenge you need to help with the grieving.

All the very best of luck to you.
posted by humph at 2:59 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

Is it possible to nurture friendships from this group without attending the big meetings where you're having the awkward encounters? Maybe one-on-one or small group coffee meetings, inviting a few people over for dinner, or something similar? Unless your ex-friend is forcing people to "choose" one of you or the other, I feel like this could be a good path forward. When the emotions from the friend break-up are less raw, you could then consider going back to the larger group events.

I'm also curious whether the friend in question is a minister or was just a lay leader in a small group within a larger church community. If the former, this is seriously bad behavior and I would strongly consider church shopping some other communities to find a healthier environment. If the latter, you might consider speaking with the minister, or at least seeing if there are other small groups within the congregation where you could feel more welcome (or even start your own!).
posted by rainbowbrite at 5:56 AM on August 3, 2015

Your relationship with the church, the church community as a whole, and God seems so much important that this one person and her husband. While it's so painful to feel the rejection from this person in a space that should feel safe and welcoming, I think it may be worth it to refocus your attention on your other relationships there and build a new center of your social life there.
posted by cecic at 6:11 AM on August 3, 2015

Another angle would be to consider if this has anything to do with you. Have you had it confirmed that the friendship is over, over, over? Life happens and sometimes people become remote for reasons that has nothing to do with you. The thing that leaps out at me is the contrast between the small, friendly interludes and the radio silence. This may be something completely different than what you expect.

Continue going to the church and interacting with the community - and keep your life/heart open to hear that this person may be going through some life changes.
posted by kariebookish at 7:01 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

Find other people at that church to befriend unless unwittingly you did the same to others while you were 'in' then you must find another church and learn from the past. Shame on this person and the other 'adults', they sound like followers, this is something that happens in high school not adult life.
posted by irish01 at 7:44 AM on August 3, 2015

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's one thing to change a relationship from close friend to acquaintance/ group member. This person has toyed with you, given mixed messages, and is screwing with a group. That's really unkind, jerk behavior. So, stop blaming yourself; it's not your fault they're a jerk. Get mad. Recognize their jerk status. Go find new friends, and, trust me, they'll be better and nicer.
posted by theora55 at 11:37 AM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]

Followup from the asker:

Thanks everyone for your responses. This has been such a confusing situation for me and I still cannot make up my mind whether it's me being crazy and oversensitive or whether the situation was just crazy-making.

To answer some clarifying questions:
Yes, I have no doubt that the friendship is over. The friend went from talking to me at every event to not acknowledging my presence at all. Not a single word over several weeks.
There was also at least one time when they ignored me to my face when I said hello. Just looked at me without a word, and when I said hello a second time, simply walked away. Another time I was standing in a group of about five people and they started saying goodbye to everyone except me, with long hugs and affectionate exclamations. It was, ironically, the same day that I had walked up to them and gave them a small gift for their birthday and they said how nice and thank you so much.

On the other hand, during some of the meetings I was so shaken and upset by this situation that I physically avoided them by spending most of my time outside the room. So at some point I thought, maybe they think I am the one who is mad at them? and I sent them a friendly email saying hey, in case you were thinking I was mad at you, no I wasn't but you are avoiding me, can you please stop? To which they responded after several days saying they were not ignoring me at all, and they wish me well. After that, at the next meeting, they were quite friendly and then everything went back to how it was before - no eye contact, no acknowledgement. At some point, I just realized I was dreading the meetings, and stopped going altogether.

I had talked to one of the other leaders and they said they cannot intervene until we are both interested in reconciliation. I expressed my frustration with the silent treatment and said I just wanted them to acknowledge my existence (say hi when they see me) and nothing more. After that conversation they approached me exactly once, said one sentence to me (please take this item from me) and walked away. So I figured the main leader must have talked to them. It didn't last though.

At some point I just felt I was going crazy, analyzing the situation over and over in my head, and just figured I had to leave for my own sanity.
To the friend's credit, no they haven't told anyone about the conflict as far as I know. They are also not a minister, though their spouse is. Everyone else in the church treats me the same as usual, except for the main leader who seems to be acting a little more distant but this might be subjective. Also, I used to be involved in various projects but when I expressed interest in a recent one I was told that my help wasn't necessary. (Yes, I realize I am starting to sound paranoid). So, I think I did the right thing by leaving, regardless of whether it was all in my head or not. I am starting to feel normal again, except for the sadness, and some anger.

Again, thank you very much for the validation and support.

posted by LobsterMitten at 7:56 AM on August 4, 2015