Did I just ruin my chance with this guy I'm dating?
August 2, 2015 4:14 PM Subscribe
I've been talking to a guy I met online for about 6 weeks, been on about 4 dates. At the very beginning, I let him know that I wanted to take things slow and not jump into bed with him quickly and he seemed to understand and respect my decision. We still haven't hold hand or kiss. However, our communication has increased significantly. He would call me almost daily and talk to me for over an hour each time. We also text each other constantly.
After the last date, he texted me saying that he enjoyed spending time with me and he wanted me to know that he's taking things slow and not because he's not attracted to me. To be honest, I've been a little disappointed that he hasn't made a move yet by the 4th date so I replied with "I've thought you weren't for the past few weeks". I could tell he was surprised so he apologized for making me feel that way. He said that he used to take things quickly with other girls he dated in the past and it blindsided him from seeing the girls for who they are and their compatibility with him. I then explained to him that I feel the same way about not rushing into things. I also added that "it's just I sometimes can't read if the person likes me or if they just want the attention so I tend to misread things". He replied with saying that he doesn't know where the relationship is going right now but he's enjoying the moment of it.
I thought we ended things on a good note since we both agreed that we're on the same page. However, the next couple of days, he hasn't been texting or calling at all. When I texted him asking how he's doing. He would send a brief reply but then ignore a couple of my follow up texts. He has always texted me back either right away or within the same day. Did I really ruin my chance with him by that short text convo? I'm not sure how to go about this. Please let me know what you think.
After the last date, he texted me saying that he enjoyed spending time with me and he wanted me to know that he's taking things slow and not because he's not attracted to me. To be honest, I've been a little disappointed that he hasn't made a move yet by the 4th date so I replied with "I've thought you weren't for the past few weeks". I could tell he was surprised so he apologized for making me feel that way. He said that he used to take things quickly with other girls he dated in the past and it blindsided him from seeing the girls for who they are and their compatibility with him. I then explained to him that I feel the same way about not rushing into things. I also added that "it's just I sometimes can't read if the person likes me or if they just want the attention so I tend to misread things". He replied with saying that he doesn't know where the relationship is going right now but he's enjoying the moment of it.
I thought we ended things on a good note since we both agreed that we're on the same page. However, the next couple of days, he hasn't been texting or calling at all. When I texted him asking how he's doing. He would send a brief reply but then ignore a couple of my follow up texts. He has always texted me back either right away or within the same day. Did I really ruin my chance with him by that short text convo? I'm not sure how to go about this. Please let me know what you think.
Well, if he was trying to get a different reaction from you and was upset by the one he got, good riddance. Any relationship that can be ended in 90 seconds was never going to last anyway.
At this point I would assume the entanglement is over and would go no-contact. If he comes back around in the next few days, and has a real reasonable excuse for going cold, you can consider continuing on, but with caution to see if he's going to keep dicking you around.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:21 PM on August 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
At this point I would assume the entanglement is over and would go no-contact. If he comes back around in the next few days, and has a real reasonable excuse for going cold, you can consider continuing on, but with caution to see if he's going to keep dicking you around.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:21 PM on August 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
If you guys don't see each other again it's not because of anything you did or didn't say. If he doesn't want to see you again (for whatever reason) and can't muster the ability to make any contact for several days to even let you know he's not interested, then he's the one with the problem.
So I'd give it a couple days. Just lie low, give it a little break, and then if you want to see him again, text him and ask him out on a date some night this week, maybe to dinner. Take the initiative. If you want things to progress, you make the move when you see him next and see how he responds.
posted by phunniemee at 4:21 PM on August 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
So I'd give it a couple days. Just lie low, give it a little break, and then if you want to see him again, text him and ask him out on a date some night this week, maybe to dinner. Take the initiative. If you want things to progress, you make the move when you see him next and see how he responds.
posted by phunniemee at 4:21 PM on August 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
maybe he cottoned on to the fact that you were disappointed he did what you asked and decided to avoid more drama.
posted by andrewcooke at 4:29 PM on August 2, 2015 [47 favorites]
posted by andrewcooke at 4:29 PM on August 2, 2015 [47 favorites]
Yeah, I do think it's possible that he was taking things slow because you asked him to. That might have meant something different to you than to him. But it's possible that he then was confused or turned off by the fact that you told him you weren't digging the fact that he was keeping his hands off you.
It's also possible that he has another girlfriend, that he's actually not attracted to you, that his grandmother died, or anything else.
You really can't know. All you can do is try to schedule a date and see how it goes. Or wait for him to contact you and see how that goes.
Also, are you really into him? Because I don't hear that anywhere in your question.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:46 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's also possible that he has another girlfriend, that he's actually not attracted to you, that his grandmother died, or anything else.
You really can't know. All you can do is try to schedule a date and see how it goes. Or wait for him to contact you and see how that goes.
Also, are you really into him? Because I don't hear that anywhere in your question.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:46 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
It sounds to me like you've got a bit too much riding on this emotionally too soon. Approval-seeking behavior and needing/asking for reassurance early on will put anyone off. Confidence, not needing to ask how the other person is feeling about things, and just enjoying yourself and your own life is the key to attracting people. I wouldn't 'talk about feelings' again anytime soon. I would also cool off and pull back a bit. Get involved in your life and love it. People are always drawn to and attracted to those who are passionate about their lives and interests, and who don't drop everything for them. Let him come around and initiate conversations and dates now. Chasing him isn't going to work
posted by Avosunspin at 4:49 PM on August 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Avosunspin at 4:49 PM on August 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
An hour-a-day phone calls for 6 weeks is not a sustainable set-up. You might have ruined your chances, or the emotional aspect of taking things slowly might have kicked in. Maybe he's switched gears, thinking now that you didn't want him this emotionally involved after all, and that this had been what you originally meant by "taking it slow."
Or maybe he's gotten busy with something else, even someone else.
In any case, you won't know until the next time you can talk to him. Make a date, meet up. If he declines that, then you'll know too.
posted by RainyJay at 4:52 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Or maybe he's gotten busy with something else, even someone else.
In any case, you won't know until the next time you can talk to him. Make a date, meet up. If he declines that, then you'll know too.
posted by RainyJay at 4:52 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
It seems he has become more distant since your last date. After four dates is when you start thinking of either investing more time, or of withdrawing because the person isn't right for you. It isn't your text, you've don't nothing wrong. Live your life for now and don't invest too much time into thinking this. He will be in touch I'm sure.
posted by akita at 5:11 PM on August 2, 2015
posted by akita at 5:11 PM on August 2, 2015
Are you saying that you made a request, he honored the request, they you felt he wasn't attracted to you because he was honoring your request (as if you wanted him to push boundaries to show his attraction to you)? If so, the lack of clarity is on your end and I would not be surprised if he went cold. It's a no-won for him.
posted by Vaike at 5:21 PM on August 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by Vaike at 5:21 PM on August 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
You asked him to go slow. He went slow. You told him you were disappointed that he went slow.
Were I him, I'd be not responding either. Four dates and that kind of flip-flop and I'd be thinking "If the person I'm seeing is like this after four dates, how can I possibly trust anything they ask me to do in the future? The next time they say they want X and I do X, are they going to tell me they're disappointed?"
Usually when dating if someone says "I want to take things slowly," a respectful partner will then leave the person asking for things to go slow to let them know about when they're comfortable with things happening. This is exactly what he did.
I feel like I've said this to you before. I think something that would be really effective for you would be to stop dating. Just stop completely for a while, take some time to really take inventory of yourself and what you really, truly want in a partner. Then--make an actual list, it'll help--then you go and look for the person who fills as many of those characteristics as possible.
So, to answer your question directly, did you just ruin your chances with the guy you're dating? Almost certainly yes. There's a distinct pattern in the questions you ask; you are often asking about how to know something, how to read minds. We all repeatedly keep telling you to have open and honest conversations. In this case, it sounds like you wanted him to read your mind and somehow figure out exactly when he should make a move after you told him not to.
I get the urge. We all want relationships to be easy, we want our partners to know what we want, we want to know what our partners want, all without ever having to have awkward conversations or misunderstandings. Hollywood has a lot to answer for in that regard.
The reality, though, is that relationships don't really work that way. At least not in the beginning; one of the joys of relationships that last a long time (whether romantic, friendly, or familial) is slowly getting to the point where you can anticipate what your partner wants, and they anticipate what you want. That's not going to happen after four dates.
Please, I urge you to go through all the questions you've asked about guys. Read them, and all the answers, all in one go. With a notepad beside you. Start looking at the patterns you're displaying, and at the patterns in the answers. Sit with that for a while, really try working out for yourself what it is you really want out of a partner, and how your communication style is perhaps not particularly effective in attaining that.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:27 PM on August 2, 2015 [40 favorites]
Were I him, I'd be not responding either. Four dates and that kind of flip-flop and I'd be thinking "If the person I'm seeing is like this after four dates, how can I possibly trust anything they ask me to do in the future? The next time they say they want X and I do X, are they going to tell me they're disappointed?"
Usually when dating if someone says "I want to take things slowly," a respectful partner will then leave the person asking for things to go slow to let them know about when they're comfortable with things happening. This is exactly what he did.
I feel like I've said this to you before. I think something that would be really effective for you would be to stop dating. Just stop completely for a while, take some time to really take inventory of yourself and what you really, truly want in a partner. Then--make an actual list, it'll help--then you go and look for the person who fills as many of those characteristics as possible.
So, to answer your question directly, did you just ruin your chances with the guy you're dating? Almost certainly yes. There's a distinct pattern in the questions you ask; you are often asking about how to know something, how to read minds. We all repeatedly keep telling you to have open and honest conversations. In this case, it sounds like you wanted him to read your mind and somehow figure out exactly when he should make a move after you told him not to.
I get the urge. We all want relationships to be easy, we want our partners to know what we want, we want to know what our partners want, all without ever having to have awkward conversations or misunderstandings. Hollywood has a lot to answer for in that regard.
The reality, though, is that relationships don't really work that way. At least not in the beginning; one of the joys of relationships that last a long time (whether romantic, friendly, or familial) is slowly getting to the point where you can anticipate what your partner wants, and they anticipate what you want. That's not going to happen after four dates.
Please, I urge you to go through all the questions you've asked about guys. Read them, and all the answers, all in one go. With a notepad beside you. Start looking at the patterns you're displaying, and at the patterns in the answers. Sit with that for a while, really try working out for yourself what it is you really want out of a partner, and how your communication style is perhaps not particularly effective in attaining that.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:27 PM on August 2, 2015 [40 favorites]
Did I really ruin my chance with him by that short text convo? I'm not sure how to go about this. Please let me know what you think.
I'm not him, no one else on the internet is either, so our opinion is pointless.
Talk to him, figure out just how slow you want to go.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:27 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm not him, no one else on the internet is either, so our opinion is pointless.
Talk to him, figure out just how slow you want to go.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:27 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Speaking of just wanting the attention, are you into this guy or not? You've had enough time to figure that out.
If you are, make a move. Ask him out and kiss him. I do think it's a little weird that he took "slow" to mean "stop", but if you are actually into him, move past that and forget about it. Quit trying to manage this "relationship" by texting him vague hints, take a chance, and make a move.
If you are not actually into him (and I agree with the other person that it doesn't really sound like you are), then quit playing with him. It is quite shitty to wind someone up and try to get them to go for you when you don't actually want them at all.
posted by mattu at 8:40 PM on August 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you are, make a move. Ask him out and kiss him. I do think it's a little weird that he took "slow" to mean "stop", but if you are actually into him, move past that and forget about it. Quit trying to manage this "relationship" by texting him vague hints, take a chance, and make a move.
If you are not actually into him (and I agree with the other person that it doesn't really sound like you are), then quit playing with him. It is quite shitty to wind someone up and try to get them to go for you when you don't actually want them at all.
posted by mattu at 8:40 PM on August 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
I agree with Vaike and feckless: you are putting this man in a no-win position by urging him to take things slow, and then expecting him to break the rules you are setting for him. You need to decide what you want and then communicate it to him. There may have been a time in history when women could rely on men to understand the implicit rules - that women (if you are a woman - I don't want to make any assumptions) were supposed to set up fake rules, and men were supposed to pretend to respect them for a while, but then to violate them. Those implicit understandings have broken down, and so I think you need to be very straightforward about what you want and what you expect. If you want to take things to a more intimate place, then you need to communicate that to him (since you are the one who put the brakes on in the first place).
Overall I would urge you to think things over very carefully and decide how you want things to go. I'm not saying you have to push things forward at this very moment. What I'm saying is that you can't expect this guy to be a mind-reader, and you especially can't expect him to know exactly how much to violate the rules that you have established. He seems to be into you, if you want to move forward, then clearly communicate that to him.
posted by sudo intellectual at 10:23 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Overall I would urge you to think things over very carefully and decide how you want things to go. I'm not saying you have to push things forward at this very moment. What I'm saying is that you can't expect this guy to be a mind-reader, and you especially can't expect him to know exactly how much to violate the rules that you have established. He seems to be into you, if you want to move forward, then clearly communicate that to him.
posted by sudo intellectual at 10:23 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Did I really ruin my chance with him by that short text convo?
I think you did, yes. He managed to finally figure out that what you said you wanted and what you actually wanted are polar opposites, and probably decided that he wasn't interested in someone who plays games.
Have you actually taken any of the advice offered in any of the previous questions you've asked along a very similar vein? How has that worked out for you? And if you haven't, why not?
posted by Solomon at 1:01 AM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think you did, yes. He managed to finally figure out that what you said you wanted and what you actually wanted are polar opposites, and probably decided that he wasn't interested in someone who plays games.
Have you actually taken any of the advice offered in any of the previous questions you've asked along a very similar vein? How has that worked out for you? And if you haven't, why not?
posted by Solomon at 1:01 AM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
She asked him to take things slow, not be completely chaste and stagnant. There's a middle ground between a victorian-era, hands-off courtship and having porn-star sex on the first date. Come on, 4 dates and he hasn't even held your hand? Or given you a good-night kiss? That's beyond taking it slow.
Yeah, if you wanted more from him you could have made the first move, or clarified what you meant by 'take it slow' sooner.
If this little misunderstanding is really enough to make him try to freeze you out, then I can't imagine he was that into you in the first place.
On the other hand, I wouldn't be surprised if his current distant attitude has nothing to do with what you said at all. There's a million different reasons why he might be backing off.
If you want to retain your dignity, quit trying to contact him. He already knows you're interested in maintaining contact. If he calls again, you can decide whether or not you're still interested then.
posted by sam_harms at 1:48 AM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yeah, if you wanted more from him you could have made the first move, or clarified what you meant by 'take it slow' sooner.
If this little misunderstanding is really enough to make him try to freeze you out, then I can't imagine he was that into you in the first place.
On the other hand, I wouldn't be surprised if his current distant attitude has nothing to do with what you said at all. There's a million different reasons why he might be backing off.
If you want to retain your dignity, quit trying to contact him. He already knows you're interested in maintaining contact. If he calls again, you can decide whether or not you're still interested then.
posted by sam_harms at 1:48 AM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think what happened here is that you went into this dating situation with certain boundaries and guidelines predetermined and, as is the nature of the beast, your desires changed as the relationship developed. People are VERY caught up in "the rules" of dating it seems, but the truth is most relationships develop in random non-linear ways, and there is nothing you can say or do to make it go one way or another. All you can do is openly communicate your desires and needs and feelings at the time and maybe it will align with your potential partner's. I was in a situation where I was VERY uninterested in dating or a committed relationship, started seeing someone casually on a whim when I wanted unattached sex, and was blind-sided by some pretty severe cognitive dissonance almost immediately when I started to develop feelings that I did not at all anticipate. I am sure that dissonance was obvious and confusing to him as I pushed away and froze out all of his efforts to be sweet and boyfriendish to me and then immediately became upset when it worked. Obviously that whole situation imploded. Well, the truth is is that human emotion is not a static thing, and sometimes we can't handle when our own desires destroy the boundaries and rules we set up to protect us. We can't just flip a switch in a month and say "YES I AM READY FOR THIS NOW IT HAS BEEN A MONTH." Sometimes what you desire changes dramatically when you're presented with new information and experiences and feelings and falls off the timeline you set for yourself. It's not always because you're dramatic or moody or crazy or playing games, sometimes we just don't really know what we want. I'd like to meet someone who can navigate a new relationship with complete clarity from start to finish.
Don't be so hard on yourself in this case if it turns out this didn't work. I would say "IN THE FUTURE DOT DOT DOT" but really it boils down to being cognizant and introspective of your feelings BEFORE acting/communicating, which is not an easy skill to learn, and which is why the instantaneous nature of texting is probably detrimental to most relationship development. We don't have the time to sit and think and consider our feelings before we fire off whatever confusing feelings we're experiencing at any given moment.
posted by Young Kullervo at 6:02 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't be so hard on yourself in this case if it turns out this didn't work. I would say "IN THE FUTURE DOT DOT DOT" but really it boils down to being cognizant and introspective of your feelings BEFORE acting/communicating, which is not an easy skill to learn, and which is why the instantaneous nature of texting is probably detrimental to most relationship development. We don't have the time to sit and think and consider our feelings before we fire off whatever confusing feelings we're experiencing at any given moment.
posted by Young Kullervo at 6:02 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
4 dates and he hasn't even held your hand? Or given you a good-night kiss?
OP could have held his hand. OP could have gone in for the kiss. OP could have said "OK, thank you for taking this slowly, but can we fuck now?"
if you want to control the direction then control it. don't grab the steering wheel and then doze off.
christ. this is 2015. i thought we'd figured this out 25 years ago. it's no longer HIS responsibility the whole damn time.
or all the above more politely, in a supportive manner. somehow. sorry. i know it can be complicated.
posted by andrewcooke at 7:30 AM on August 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
OP could have held his hand. OP could have gone in for the kiss. OP could have said "OK, thank you for taking this slowly, but can we fuck now?"
if you want to control the direction then control it. don't grab the steering wheel and then doze off.
christ. this is 2015. i thought we'd figured this out 25 years ago. it's no longer HIS responsibility the whole damn time.
or all the above more politely, in a supportive manner. somehow. sorry. i know it can be complicated.
posted by andrewcooke at 7:30 AM on August 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
OP could have held his hand. OP could have gone in for the kiss.
yeah, she could have, but she didn't think of it. And you know what? That's not a big deal. Ok, this guy was going so slow the pace was glacial, but that's not a big deal either. This was just a mis-understanding. None of this has to be a big deal.
OP: my advice to you is to look for guys with sunnier dispositions. Not every guy is going to make you feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time, or like every little misunderstanding is a capital crime. A different sort of guy would have just laughed this sort of mis-communication off, and been happy to move forward with a little hand-holding and gentle kissing. I think you'll be happier holding out for someone like that.
posted by sam_harms at 8:40 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
yeah, she could have, but she didn't think of it. And you know what? That's not a big deal. Ok, this guy was going so slow the pace was glacial, but that's not a big deal either. This was just a mis-understanding. None of this has to be a big deal.
OP: my advice to you is to look for guys with sunnier dispositions. Not every guy is going to make you feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time, or like every little misunderstanding is a capital crime. A different sort of guy would have just laughed this sort of mis-communication off, and been happy to move forward with a little hand-holding and gentle kissing. I think you'll be happier holding out for someone like that.
posted by sam_harms at 8:40 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think you should reframe this from "ruining your chances" to "things just didn't work out with this guy". Also, my general advice would be to text less, talk more. As you may have learned from this experience, it's all too easy for things to get misinterpreted over text. Also, get a clearer idea of what exactly you mean by "taking things slow". That's a really broad phrase that can mean different things to different people. What does it mean to you, specifically? Discuss this with the next guy you date - by talking, not texting.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:20 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Gray Skies at 9:20 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think you didn't ruin your chances but you need to address the issue head on to have any chance with this particular person. I would give him a call or meet up in person and tell him that you really appreciate that he was following your lead in taking things slow, apologize sincerely for sending mixed messages, tell him this experience has taught you something about directly expressing your desires and being an active participant in your own romantic life (I hope this is true!). Tell him you still want to move slowly but you have really enjoyed getting to know him and you want to continue to do so. Then go in for the kiss!
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:38 PM on August 3, 2015
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:38 PM on August 3, 2015
Decide what you want and communicate it.
posted by destructive cactus at 5:18 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by destructive cactus at 5:18 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
He may have had something change on his end, he may be freaking out about your relationship, he may have started dating Katy Perry ... we have no way of knowing. BUT you didn't ruin anything.
Give it some time. If he doesn't come around, if he was turned off because you had an honest conversation (which he initiated), then he was not for you.
posted by bunderful at 4:19 PM on August 2, 2015 [4 favorites]