How to help my mom with the upcoming death of her dog

August 1, 2015 12:46 AM

My mother's 13 year old dog has stomach cancer and has been throwing up every day. Given the way the past two dogs died within days of my father last year, I'm pretty sure this is going to hit her really hard. How do I help? (Snowflake details inside)

I called her and left a message when she sent me the text telling me this, I imagine she's is bad shape. It's her birthday this weekend which is probably going to make this extra hard. I'll be up visiting, but that only helps so much.

Now, my big questions is whether to encourage her to get another dog quickly and if so, what type. She's 70 years old, living by herself down a long driveway. My parents were in the middle of renovating the house when my Dad died and work more or less stopped while my mom figured out what to do. I'm skipping the details, but right now the amount of space in the house is pretty minimal. I'm also dubious about the renovation. The house was a tear down when the renovations started and I have yet to see any indication that it won't be one when they are complete, no matter the improvements made. But they're a sunk cost and my mom keep talking about wanting to live there for another ten years.

When my dad died, we talked to her about moving to a community. One of the objections was the dog, who is in the 50lb range. He's a bit big for apartment living.

She does have a cat (who was originally mine) to keep her company still, but she was never really a cat person. If she gets another dog (which I think will happen), I am sure of the following things: she will not train it and she will just let it out into the open yard surrounded by woods when it wants to go out. (My parents had one dog vanish this way, but it continues.) She has recently developed rheumatoid arthritis, which makes it so that even if she wanted to, there's no way she could hold a leash well enough to keep a dog from pulling it out of her hand.

At the same time, I worry about her emotional health, living alone, etc. I think another dog would help. On the third hand, if/when she moves out, I want the dog to be able to go with her.

If you can't tell, there's a lot of emotion wrapped up in this for me. I'm not super attached to the dog, but my mom is - while I was writing this she called me from the animal hospital and it was obvious she'd been crying.

So, do I go to a shelter next weekend with her to look at dogs? Do I do my best to talk her out of getting another dog (probably won't work, but I can try)? If she's getting another dog what should I be looking for temperamentally? How likely am I to find a dog that's already trained and not likely to run off into the woods from the open lawn? We could go to a breeder if there's a certain breed that will be good company for someone like her, but I really don't want her to have a puppy, given her age and physical condition. Is there something to look for in a type of dog that would be happy living in an apartment in a senior community? Also, I think it would have to be smaller, although that may not be the case.

Please, no lectures on how the way she treats the dog is irresponsible. At her age, I am not going to be able to change her mind if I wasn't able to do so in the past 15 years. She will most likely get another dog, I'm looking to make it so that when she does, it can be a companion no matter what happens in terms of life transitions.

Alternatively, should I not worry about this now and wait to see if it comes up? In the past, there was a period of a couple of months between the death of a dog and my parents getting another. I know it doesn't help that my thinking about dogs is tied up with the state of the house and my worries about her health.

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posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

I'm a dog owner, and hm, this is sort of a tough one to answer. I'm generally on the side of "adoption of a dog to a loving home – even if the circumstances are not ideal – is better than the dog being put down in a kill shelter," but some specifics here are tough. I can't imagine any dog living in an apartment-type environment and never being walked, if that is the situation you are describing re the senior community, plus not being able to hold a leash. Any dog is going to have behaviorial and psychological issues in such a circumstance, so the way to look at that is to consider if hiring someone for daily walks is an option.

Another problem is that the best way to find a dog with the temperament and needs that would mesh best with your mom's situation would be to deal with a rescue/foster organization that can help match up owner and dog to suit both parties, but I don't think any rescue org will adopt to someone who lets the dog out into an unfenced area. Neither will a reputable breeder, and as you note, getting a puppy would really, really not be a good idea.

In terms of what sort of dog, that's really more about personal dog temperament. Smaller dogs can be a huge bundle-of-possibly-destructive-energy while a much larger dog might be a laid-back couch potato, but ideally you'd look for small (especially if this means your mom could walk the dog), owner bonded (they really just want to hang out with you, whatever you are doing/not-doing), relatively low energy, laid-back dog that's not a big barker (apt considerations), and doesn't require significant grooming, like maybe a Pug, Boston Terrier, or French Bulldog – depending on the individual dog's personality. You could look at rescues that specialize in these breeds and find out their requirements for adoption and explain the situation.

Perhaps you can think about fencing part of the yard for a decent dog run sort of space, and note also that any dog will need to be okay with your mom's cat, so that should be mentioned. An older dog with known temperament and needs which has been pre-trained would be much, much better than puppy.
posted by taz at 2:38 AM on August 1, 2015

Have you asked your mom if she would want another dog? You might be surprised.
posted by WesterbergHigh at 5:45 AM on August 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

If she wants another dog, it should be an older one that has less energy. Given her circumstances, that's more important than any other characteristic.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:55 AM on August 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

I agree that you shouldn't worry about this now. Allow things to run their course and if your mother requests it, help her find another dog.

If she decides to get a dog, an older dog with a calm manner should be available at a shelter... do meet and greets with the dogs available, she'll know when she's found the right one.

Don't overthink this, and don't get too controlling, this is her call...
posted by HuronBob at 6:21 AM on August 1, 2015 [5 favorites]

I'm not sure how easy it would be to rescue an adult French bulldog given the circumstances, but I think that's the kind of dog you're looking for. For the most part, they are lazy and docile and enjoy air conditioning and naps, which makes them good apartment dogs. They're small (usually 25 lbs or less). They also tend to be very human-focused and attached to their person, which makes it less likely that the dog would run off into the woods for an adventure. They tend to want to stick close to their person at all times, along with the comforts of civilization. ;)

Or perhaps, as taz also recommended, a pug, which might be easier to adopt as an adult and I think has a similar temperament.
posted by the turtle's teeth at 6:21 AM on August 1, 2015

If she can't hold a leash and doesn't have a fenced in yard, I would not encourage her to get a dog, btw. If she asks, deal with it then, but absolutely do not push the idea.

Could she get a cat? They're better confined to apartment living and still offer cuddling.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:39 AM on August 1, 2015

For a dog person, not having a dog is very, very difficult. Dogs are a very important social connection for those of us who are heavily dog-inclined, and not having one, particularly during difficult times, can be a major quality of life issue.

If she wants to get another dog after her current one dies, she's going to. She's a grownup, and is allowed to make her own decisions.

If you have input into her choice, I'd steer her toward a smaller dog. Even with arthritis, she should be able to manage a small dog who can't pull very hard. The biggest real issue is the running around loose. The smaller you are, the more natural predators you have, so maybe she could be convinced to contain a smaller dog based solely on that vulnerability. A small dog who was friends with my dog was killed by a coyote right in his unfenced suburban front yard, so it's not just an issue with going into the woods or anything.

But don't get too wrapped up in breed. Dog breeds are kind of fuzzy and are mostly useful as indicators of appearance rather than accurate predictors of temperament, and purebred dogs often have serious health issues bred into them for cosmetic reasons. So for that and other reasons, my breed preference is usually mutt, and I always recommend that as a first choice to anyone looking for a dog companion.

The best tactic, IMO, is to go to the shelter with minimal requirements in mind, like a range of acceptable sizes or something, and find a dog you really connect with. In your mom's case, she might want a short coated dog as well, because their coats are much lower maintenance. Depending on how robust the shelter system is in her area, they may even offer matching services, where they help you find just the right dog for you.

Regardless of the position you take on her choices, keep in mind just how important a dog is to someone who is a dog person. So don't take that lightly or assume it would be in her better interests not to have a dog just because having one introduces some new difficulty or level of complexity.
posted by ernielundquist at 10:59 AM on August 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

"For a dog person, not having a dog is very, very difficult"

This so very, very true.
I'm 70, I have osteoarthritis. I'm a dog person.

If one of my sons ever came to me with your concerns, I'd be very concerned that they are thinking about their future problems and not at all about me.

When my bullmastiff died, my sons asked me what kind of dog would I be getting. full knowing it might be a future problem for them, but had the sense to keep it to themselves and let me be me. It would be nothing they couldn't handle, they're adults.

I, now, have a Great Dane who has become the mascot of our local fire dept and of our very small town

Let your mom be the adult she is. She will make the right choice for herself.
posted by donaken at 12:53 PM on August 1, 2015 [4 favorites]

You're getting about fifty steps ahead of yourself. Rather than worrying about what kind of dog, if she should have a dog, etc., you might want to focus on how to help her grieve. Loss always triggers older losses, especially older unhealed losses, and having someone to talk to about the current and past losses (whether that's you or someone else) would likely be more helpful for her than any sort of lecture about dog breeds. Many hospices and some animal rescue organizations have pet-loss support groups, so you may want to Google that for her area, and there are online resources for pet loss as well. You can also help her identify the people and groups in her life who might give her emotional support (friends, family, church groups, knitting groups, etc.).

If you get there and all she wants to do is talk about pros and cons of various dog breeds, then sure, you can follow her lead, but you still might want to point out that she may want to take a little time to grieve, too.

I get that you're worried about her, and it's possible that this dog's illness is bringing up your own grief about your dad and anticipatory grief about your mom, which is probably making things hard for you, too. But don't try to solve a problem she hasn't even identified as needing help with right now.
posted by jaguar at 3:31 PM on August 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

I agree with everyone that dog should be:

-old
-small to medium sized
-very calm and tame
-short-haired

Sadly, many people want or need to get rid of their older pets. I would suggest getting the dog from a prior owner or a shelter who vouches the older dog was brought in by a prior long-term owner. This dog will be happy to have a home so the benefits may outweigh the harm, may not need walks, will be very used to people, may already be trained, and will not live much longer, IE, your mom moving to assisted care in a few years may not be a problem.

Start looking now. Finding the right dog can take a while and be hit or miss. You may let shelters know your stipulations and check their websites regularly.
posted by quincunx at 7:32 PM on August 1, 2015

I find Boston Terriers and French Bulldogs to be very stubborn creatures and don't think either breed is a good idea for someone who won't train a dog much. I'm a rescue mutt person myself, but in this case, I wonder if your mom might consider a Greyhound? I have an elderly friend who recently adopted a rescue racer one after her beloved Bassett died, and while the Greyhound is world away from any sort of real hound, my friend and the dog seemed very happy together. He is mostly very lazy and prefers to be inside, he loves curling up with people, and he is a little too dumb to be anything but mild and docile. I dogsit him sometimes and am amazed at the contrast between walking my dog and walking Danny the Greyhound. Walking Danny is like walking a sentient cloud. Grown-up Greyhounds don't need much space, just somewhere to lay down. Other people are always fascinated by him when we're out with him and love to chat with us for a spell in a way they don't with our own Cattle Dog mix.
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 11:41 PM on August 1, 2015

I'm not seeing anything in your question to indicate that your mom has said that she wants another dog. I like jaguar's suggestion to just focus on supporting her as she grieves - keeping in mind that grief over the dog is likely not just about the dog (though there's no need for you to point that out to her). If and when she wants another dog, ask her what she wants.
posted by bunderful at 6:23 AM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

The other part of your question is just as compelling as whether she should get another dog. And that is, should she be living alone in her "teardown"? She seems a bit isolated and that, in part, is probably why she wants pets.

This is a tough one. I'm an animal lover and I understand the connections between us and our dogs and cats. But, I'm concerned about her well-being living out in the country alone. One thing I might suggest is that you just start looking at retirement homes. Take her to see them and experience them. It may lead nowhere but at least it will be less abstract. And, she might find she likes the social aspects of this type of living. Just a thought.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 11:37 AM on August 3, 2015

Look at shih-tzus. A shih-tzu with a short haircut ("puppy cut") was the perfect solution to a similar issue for a relative of ours. Mellow, not barky, sturdy for a small dog, happy to be a companion and no need to run around, small enough that your mom could handle it without strain. Plus, conversation-starter in a retirement community. I was skeptical about the little dog thing, but the shih-tzus (screened a bit for personality) have really been exactly the ticket.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:59 PM on August 3, 2015