Spouse's birthday... with complications
July 31, 2015 4:41 PM Subscribe
My spouse is having a milestone birthday. She's been fighting cancer for the better part of a year. I'm strapped as to how to show her how much I care.
Around the time when she was diagnosed, my hours were cut WAY back at work, so I can't treat her to the things I normally would. My budget is around $50-$100. We are in Burbank, CA.
Around the time when she was diagnosed, my hours were cut WAY back at work, so I can't treat her to the things I normally would. My budget is around $50-$100. We are in Burbank, CA.
Make her a very special meal with a special dessert?
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:52 PM on July 31, 2015
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:52 PM on July 31, 2015
How about a big Shutterfly album with photos of you guys through the years?
posted by rainbowbrite at 4:52 PM on July 31, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by rainbowbrite at 4:52 PM on July 31, 2015 [7 favorites]
How about a little love video? Like in Love Actually, only starting with the "To Me, You are Perfect," sign, and maybe making it more personal to your relationship. Get a friend to help you.
Then give her a single perfect rose, some excellent chocolate truffles or cake on a plate, a little champagne, and a sappy movie together.
I think you know her best, and what she will like, but the little things, even if they aren't perfect, mean so much. It's the memories that make you fall in love with a man. You don't want to overtax her with a big todo, and you might ask her what she really wants, of course, but a little surprise video of you holding signs, followed by a flower and a plate of chocolate and some champagne, might be sweet.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:13 PM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Then give her a single perfect rose, some excellent chocolate truffles or cake on a plate, a little champagne, and a sappy movie together.
I think you know her best, and what she will like, but the little things, even if they aren't perfect, mean so much. It's the memories that make you fall in love with a man. You don't want to overtax her with a big todo, and you might ask her what she really wants, of course, but a little surprise video of you holding signs, followed by a flower and a plate of chocolate and some champagne, might be sweet.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:13 PM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think the golden ticket here is effort, not money. A really special day, all a surprise from you (starting with breakfast in bed) and then ending with a lovely home-cooked meal with your closest loved ones (that part not a surprise).
If she's super social, have a larger party and make it a potluck to save $$. Host it at a friend's place so you don't have all the stress and work of cleanup alone, or ask friends to help at your place.
posted by amaire at 5:15 PM on July 31, 2015
If she's super social, have a larger party and make it a potluck to save $$. Host it at a friend's place so you don't have all the stress and work of cleanup alone, or ask friends to help at your place.
posted by amaire at 5:15 PM on July 31, 2015
Best answer: I got a lot of mileage out of the love notes I hid all over the place for Mr. rekrap. They said things like "I love going out with you all dressed up now and then." (hidden in his dress shoes); "I love singing with you on jam nights." (hidden in his chord book); "I love you for your home improvement skills." (hidden in the tool box). I made sure he could find some right away and others were found weeks or months later. My favorite was the one hidden in the Mr. Magoo Christmas Carol DVD box. I numbered them and he tried to collect the whole set. Every time he found one he'd get all sappy about it (in a good way). But there are still a couple out there somewhere hidden in forgotten spots. I should have kept a list.
posted by rekrap at 5:20 PM on July 31, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by rekrap at 5:20 PM on July 31, 2015 [11 favorites]
It's the memories that make you fall in love with a man
Mayhaps we can avoid assuming the poster is male?
To the OP: mix tape.
posted by joycehealy at 5:23 PM on July 31, 2015
Mayhaps we can avoid assuming the poster is male?
To the OP: mix tape.
posted by joycehealy at 5:23 PM on July 31, 2015
Best answer: It's hard to make suggestions without knowing anything, and if you want to show you care it should definitely be something personal to her actual likes. Consider what she likes to do, like what she'd do if she had a whole day with no obligations to anyone else. Would there be friends she'd like to see? Is there a drive she'd enjoy?
It looks like it's going to be hot and muggy for the foreseeable future, so maybe pack up a picnic and either go to the beach or up to Big Bear or similar.
My husband recently had a milestone birthday and didn't want a huge fuss and ended up working anyway, but I was going to organize a breakfast potluck (actually specifically a pastry potluck, basically a donut swap meet) at Griffith Park, early enough in the morning that it wasn't hot yet and the entire park wasn't yet claimed for birthday parties. Minimal effort on anyone's part, you can spring for a gallon of iced coffee and a comfy lawn chair if you don't have one already. You could do a similar friends-gathering at a food truck park (we've got a huge one up here in Granada Hills on Friday nights) or frozen yogurt place or whatever.
But it really has to be something she likes and not something you want her to like or a cliche she's supposed to like. If she's never expressed any interest in breakfast in bed or chocolate-covered-strawberries (both of which would piss me off and ruin my day like I'm married to someone who's never taken 20 seconds to learn what I don't like) or going for a drive and having a picnic or gathering all her friends together DON'T DO THOSE THINGS. If you can't figure out what she'd do with herself if she had a day to herself, you may want to sneak off and call her friends and find out.
I am almost certain that if it's a milestone birthday and she's been in poor health, she'd rather have a nice experience than a nice thing. When you've had to consider your mortality, stuff stops meaning as much.
And there's a bunch of Angelenos around here, so if you wanted to list some specific things she likes or places she likes to go or things to do, we might be able to either make better recommendations or help make it happen.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:38 PM on July 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
It looks like it's going to be hot and muggy for the foreseeable future, so maybe pack up a picnic and either go to the beach or up to Big Bear or similar.
My husband recently had a milestone birthday and didn't want a huge fuss and ended up working anyway, but I was going to organize a breakfast potluck (actually specifically a pastry potluck, basically a donut swap meet) at Griffith Park, early enough in the morning that it wasn't hot yet and the entire park wasn't yet claimed for birthday parties. Minimal effort on anyone's part, you can spring for a gallon of iced coffee and a comfy lawn chair if you don't have one already. You could do a similar friends-gathering at a food truck park (we've got a huge one up here in Granada Hills on Friday nights) or frozen yogurt place or whatever.
But it really has to be something she likes and not something you want her to like or a cliche she's supposed to like. If she's never expressed any interest in breakfast in bed or chocolate-covered-strawberries (both of which would piss me off and ruin my day like I'm married to someone who's never taken 20 seconds to learn what I don't like) or going for a drive and having a picnic or gathering all her friends together DON'T DO THOSE THINGS. If you can't figure out what she'd do with herself if she had a day to herself, you may want to sneak off and call her friends and find out.
I am almost certain that if it's a milestone birthday and she's been in poor health, she'd rather have a nice experience than a nice thing. When you've had to consider your mortality, stuff stops meaning as much.
And there's a bunch of Angelenos around here, so if you wanted to list some specific things she likes or places she likes to go or things to do, we might be able to either make better recommendations or help make it happen.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:38 PM on July 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
How about planning a great day together that is simple and cheap but meaningful. I'd definitely make a Plan B in case she's having an especially hard day health-wise and needs to stay in. I'm loving Lyn Never's suggestions: if she'd like a party with others, then a potluck could be affordable and nice. If not, just doing stuff together like visiting Griffith Park and enjoying a movie and meal at home. How about writing a long letter talking about how much you love her: past, present, and future? (As much as I like getting cool stuff, that's the best gift I could get from anyone, really.)
How would she feel about an IOU gift, in addition to a home-cooked meal and letter, for example? Like an IOU for a year from now, where you two spend a weekend at a new or old favorite location in California. (I'd hope things would be financially and health-wise, of course, but maybe you could save a little each month even if it's not the case.) Of course, this part can be tricky so you know how your wife is feeling right now when it comes to discussing the future.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:52 PM on July 31, 2015
How would she feel about an IOU gift, in addition to a home-cooked meal and letter, for example? Like an IOU for a year from now, where you two spend a weekend at a new or old favorite location in California. (I'd hope things would be financially and health-wise, of course, but maybe you could save a little each month even if it's not the case.) Of course, this part can be tricky so you know how your wife is feeling right now when it comes to discussing the future.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:52 PM on July 31, 2015
Best answer: I'm basically nthing everyone else here, but as a wife who has been going through cancer treatment all year myself, the most important thing to me is time, time, time. Plan a special day just for the two of you. Go to a beautiful place nearby and have a picnic and go for a walk and spend time together. It's the only thing that matters.
posted by something something at 6:31 PM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by something something at 6:31 PM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Oh, my very very best wishes for improved health, I'm so sorry!
Okay...I have dear friend going through a pretty similar situation (enough that I was all...uh, Jeff? Is that you?)
I think goggie and rekrap have it really really right, and I love both suggestions.
Just show love. Show why you love. Show how much you love. Provide actual, physical love. Doesn't have to mean "sex" love. Ask her how she prefers to receive love right now. If she doesn't know, then just do the dishes and clean and tell her you love her and why. Particularly right now, nothing else really matters.
The term "emotional labor" seems pretty apt right now.
I'll be thinking about you two, and hope you can truly celebrate.
posted by metasav at 6:37 PM on July 31, 2015
Okay...I have dear friend going through a pretty similar situation (enough that I was all...uh, Jeff? Is that you?)
I think goggie and rekrap have it really really right, and I love both suggestions.
Just show love. Show why you love. Show how much you love. Provide actual, physical love. Doesn't have to mean "sex" love. Ask her how she prefers to receive love right now. If she doesn't know, then just do the dishes and clean and tell her you love her and why. Particularly right now, nothing else really matters.
The term "emotional labor" seems pretty apt right now.
I'll be thinking about you two, and hope you can truly celebrate.
posted by metasav at 6:37 PM on July 31, 2015
Shutterfly, absolutely. They have deals and sales all the time, and you can get some pretty expensive stuff at a good price.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:44 PM on July 31, 2015
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:44 PM on July 31, 2015
Best answer: I have a couple loved ones doing the cancer thing right now. One is very introverted but loves doing stuff, and the other is super extroverted but likes to sit around and chat and take photos more than anything.
For my introvert who likes adventures, we're trying to make experiences happen for her without her having to deal with all the person to person interaction she normally puts up with to get to the experience (like calling hotels, talking to event coordinators, getting information to make the plans, finding maps and getting reviews, talking to people about accessibility, etc).
For my extrovert who wants to sit and talk, we're trying to encourage people to come to her as much as possible. So that can mean a well-off family member paying for someone's plane ticket, or just one of us doing the work of calling and helping someone make travel plans and really encouraging them to make the effort of coming to visit, and also allaying any fears/discomfort they might have about the cancer and how that might make things weird.
If your spouse is the type who likes to "hold court", you could do whatever's in your power to bring people to her, apart from spending money. You might be surprised how willing people are to buy a plane ticket if they're just invited. And you could thoroughly clean the house and make things nice enough to stay overnight so incoming people don't have to get a hotel, which can save a lot of money and make the plane ticket worth it.
If your spouse is the type who wants to go to places and see things, I bet there are a lot of driving-distance interesting little museums and experiences that are decidedly within your budget that you just haven't researched. Pack all your own food (make it special! cut the crusts off sandwiches, use fresh herbs, pack real utensils, make things pretty) and go for a scenic drive. Do the visit/experience thing and take a different route back during sunset.
A lot of people with cancer who I've known don't particularly need reminding of their own mortality. So treat it like a regular birthday on a budget, but one packed with lots of care.
posted by Mizu at 7:26 PM on July 31, 2015
For my introvert who likes adventures, we're trying to make experiences happen for her without her having to deal with all the person to person interaction she normally puts up with to get to the experience (like calling hotels, talking to event coordinators, getting information to make the plans, finding maps and getting reviews, talking to people about accessibility, etc).
For my extrovert who wants to sit and talk, we're trying to encourage people to come to her as much as possible. So that can mean a well-off family member paying for someone's plane ticket, or just one of us doing the work of calling and helping someone make travel plans and really encouraging them to make the effort of coming to visit, and also allaying any fears/discomfort they might have about the cancer and how that might make things weird.
If your spouse is the type who likes to "hold court", you could do whatever's in your power to bring people to her, apart from spending money. You might be surprised how willing people are to buy a plane ticket if they're just invited. And you could thoroughly clean the house and make things nice enough to stay overnight so incoming people don't have to get a hotel, which can save a lot of money and make the plane ticket worth it.
If your spouse is the type who wants to go to places and see things, I bet there are a lot of driving-distance interesting little museums and experiences that are decidedly within your budget that you just haven't researched. Pack all your own food (make it special! cut the crusts off sandwiches, use fresh herbs, pack real utensils, make things pretty) and go for a scenic drive. Do the visit/experience thing and take a different route back during sunset.
A lot of people with cancer who I've known don't particularly need reminding of their own mortality. So treat it like a regular birthday on a budget, but one packed with lots of care.
posted by Mizu at 7:26 PM on July 31, 2015
Nthing Shutterfly. The gift that has made me cry the most of any I have ever received was a surprise cheesy "World's Greatest Dad" mug from Shutterfly featuring photos of me doing stuff with my daughters. It probably cost $12 and it is basically the best present I have ever received.
posted by 256 at 8:43 PM on July 31, 2015
posted by 256 at 8:43 PM on July 31, 2015
amaire has it. It's all about what you put in, not money spent. Think about what she loves and make it yourself. I'd try to plan an amazing day for her -- not spending, just doing things that she adores -- and giving her gifts like those outlined above. Another very low cost gift that will blow her away is to do what the awesome Bear has done for me a couple of times -- burn her a CD of songs that express your love for her. I tear up every time I play the ones he has made for me, which of course I've ripped and cart around with me.
posted by bearwife at 10:05 PM on July 31, 2015
posted by bearwife at 10:05 PM on July 31, 2015
Best answer: The question itself is so loving, it made me tear up. (And I'm no pushover.)
For me, my most favorite way to spend time with a significant other is the kind of thing that happens early in a relationship, and tends to peter out. A long chunk of time in bed, maybe with limited clothing, maybe with sex, maybe not, but just all curled up and talking in the dark for long enough it feels decadent, intimate, and very divorced from to do lists and outside responsibilities. This kind of thing can include breakfast in bed, or flowers on a nightstand or wine and chocolates, too, of course. But the main thing is focused attention, and lots of cuddles, kisses, confidences, and shared plans and daydreams. Think of it as focused bonding with the whole world shut out ... if the idea appeals, and you have kids, maybe the best approach is to find a weekend retreat for them, so you can have one with your wife.
Your wife is lucky to be with someone who'd even think to ask this question.
posted by Puppetry for Privacy at 11:02 PM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
For me, my most favorite way to spend time with a significant other is the kind of thing that happens early in a relationship, and tends to peter out. A long chunk of time in bed, maybe with limited clothing, maybe with sex, maybe not, but just all curled up and talking in the dark for long enough it feels decadent, intimate, and very divorced from to do lists and outside responsibilities. This kind of thing can include breakfast in bed, or flowers on a nightstand or wine and chocolates, too, of course. But the main thing is focused attention, and lots of cuddles, kisses, confidences, and shared plans and daydreams. Think of it as focused bonding with the whole world shut out ... if the idea appeals, and you have kids, maybe the best approach is to find a weekend retreat for them, so you can have one with your wife.
Your wife is lucky to be with someone who'd even think to ask this question.
posted by Puppetry for Privacy at 11:02 PM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: If you have time, privately contact all of her friends and family you can find, tell them she's been going through cancer treatment and this is her birthday and it would mean a lot if they would record short birthday wishes on their phones and email them to her or text them or post them on her Facebook wall or whatever. Her friends and family would have to be assholes to not respond to a message like that. If she wakes up on her birthday and there are lots of happy birthday messages from people who love her, that will probably mean more to her than anything you could buy her. Bonus points if she hears from people she hasn't heard from in a long time. (You get diagnosed with cancer, and suddenly you really want to talk to people you haven't talked to since 1998.)
Also, stuff that references the early days of your relationship. Maybe take her to the place you went on your first date. Just put your energy into gestures that show how much she means to you. 100 post-it notes can be a great birthday gift, if they have the right stuff written on them.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:49 AM on August 1, 2015
Also, stuff that references the early days of your relationship. Maybe take her to the place you went on your first date. Just put your energy into gestures that show how much she means to you. 100 post-it notes can be a great birthday gift, if they have the right stuff written on them.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:49 AM on August 1, 2015
Best answer: I think a lot of times when money is tight and someone is sick, there are a lot of little self-care things that get pushed to the side. Was there something either she used to do or she and you used to do together that fell by the wayside in the past year? Yoga class, going out to a favorite restaurant, salon trip, movie night? I would do that just because if I was sick I could probably use a good splurgy trip to my favorite bookstore and fancy tea shop, and also because if my husband made it happen for me I would feel extremely cared for, like he knew exactly what would make me feel good.
Something you used to do regularly together would be even better because it could make her feel like you really cherish the regular-life things you guys do together. If my husband and I hadn't been to the sculpture garden at the art museum because I'd been sick and we couldnt afford the gas to drive an hour away anymore, I'd absolutely love it if, for my birthday, he planned an outing there.
Just a few examples!
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:09 AM on August 1, 2015
Something you used to do regularly together would be even better because it could make her feel like you really cherish the regular-life things you guys do together. If my husband and I hadn't been to the sculpture garden at the art museum because I'd been sick and we couldnt afford the gas to drive an hour away anymore, I'd absolutely love it if, for my birthday, he planned an outing there.
Just a few examples!
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:09 AM on August 1, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks, y'all. I'm feeling a lot more hopeful about making it a special day for such a special person.
posted by kamikazegopher at 8:20 AM on August 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by kamikazegopher at 8:20 AM on August 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I really took Lyn Never and Misu's advice and really thought about what would be meaningful for her. I sent her on a 3/4 day fishing trip. I cooked what she caught. It made us both very happy. Thank you for changing my paradigm and helping me to find her a personal gift.
posted by kamikazegopher at 2:45 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by kamikazegopher at 2:45 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm sorry you are both having such a hard year. Sending wishes for a happy birthday and for health and happiness in the year to come.
posted by goggie at 4:51 PM on July 31, 2015 [6 favorites]