Outsider by choice: how to become more active?
July 31, 2015 5:31 AM Subscribe
I find it very hard to find the motivation to get involved in social interactions or group activities. I am happy observing, only speaking up when I feel I have something unique to contribute, like when I see nobody else is saying what I have to say or is able to perform something I can do. I don't want attention for the sake of attention and am used to being an observer, but I need to change as this behavior is beginning to have a toll on my life. Details inside.
Background info: I'm a 26-year-old female, not married.
Being autonomous seems to be an innate trait of mine; I was just 5 when I declared to my parents that I "am enough for myself". My mother supported this attitude, being a very autonomous introvert herself. She was basically my best friend until her death 3 years ago. I did and do have friends outside family; not many, but I have deep bonds with them.
As a child I wasn't encouraged to interact with others much. I got sick easily so I didn't go to kindergarten or summer camps. Also, I was told that my studies should be my priority, so while others played together after school, I often had to go to extracurriculars or start on my homework. In my country, there is little emphasis on group work during study, so while studying at school and for my undergraduate degree, I did most projects alone and was proud of being such a one-woman orchestra.
But it's not like I'm unable to work with others. My graduate degree required tons of teamwork, and I coped just fine. In fact, I was often chosen to be the leader of my teams. I had no problem working in a team - but only when it was absolutely required. I did nothing to socialize or engage beyond what was necessary.
The root of the problem seems to be motivation. Constant and continuous engagement requires too much energy from me. I quickly lose interest. I can't even establish a constant presence on Facebook because it seems a waste of time and effort to post and comment. Also, I have this notion that if I become too engaged with a group/activity/club, etc., I will somehow end up losing my autonomy, which I really value. E.g., they will make demands on my time, energy and freedom.
I'm not shy. I'm not afraid others won't like what I say. I'm not afraid to defend my point of view. I can participate in a discussion and I've been told I do it very well, being confident but open and polite.
However, sometimes I do think people will find my views and my participation unimportant. Like - what do they care about my opinions? Others will say something more interesting, others can do something better. It is more important that they should get attention and not I, etc.
Why I want to change:
- I realize I am missing out on a lot of potential friends because I don't network or make an effort to get to know new people.
- I am also missing opportunities. I am starting a Master's programme in a new subject in September, and I am determined to make the most of my studies. But I'm afraid I'll miss lots of useful things because of my reluctance to engage. I have no idea how to get to know the faculty without having an agenda, for instance, or become an active member of societies.
- This makes people uncomfortable. For example, at my current job the people are absolutely wonderful, and the atmosphere is very friendly. And when I hang back, saying little and just observing, people assume I'm very shy and start paying too much attention to me, feeling bad for me and trying to "help" me. This is frustrating, though I know they mean well.
- This is just destructive. I know (intellectually) that I deserve attention as much as the next person. But how to make myself believe this?
I am currently working on this with a life coach but I don't really see much progress. I am actually considering therapy but I thought I'd ask for advice first. What kind of mindset could help me become more active? How can I convince myself it is important and not that scary to engage?
Any comments would be welcome. Thank you!
Background info: I'm a 26-year-old female, not married.
Being autonomous seems to be an innate trait of mine; I was just 5 when I declared to my parents that I "am enough for myself". My mother supported this attitude, being a very autonomous introvert herself. She was basically my best friend until her death 3 years ago. I did and do have friends outside family; not many, but I have deep bonds with them.
As a child I wasn't encouraged to interact with others much. I got sick easily so I didn't go to kindergarten or summer camps. Also, I was told that my studies should be my priority, so while others played together after school, I often had to go to extracurriculars or start on my homework. In my country, there is little emphasis on group work during study, so while studying at school and for my undergraduate degree, I did most projects alone and was proud of being such a one-woman orchestra.
But it's not like I'm unable to work with others. My graduate degree required tons of teamwork, and I coped just fine. In fact, I was often chosen to be the leader of my teams. I had no problem working in a team - but only when it was absolutely required. I did nothing to socialize or engage beyond what was necessary.
The root of the problem seems to be motivation. Constant and continuous engagement requires too much energy from me. I quickly lose interest. I can't even establish a constant presence on Facebook because it seems a waste of time and effort to post and comment. Also, I have this notion that if I become too engaged with a group/activity/club, etc., I will somehow end up losing my autonomy, which I really value. E.g., they will make demands on my time, energy and freedom.
I'm not shy. I'm not afraid others won't like what I say. I'm not afraid to defend my point of view. I can participate in a discussion and I've been told I do it very well, being confident but open and polite.
However, sometimes I do think people will find my views and my participation unimportant. Like - what do they care about my opinions? Others will say something more interesting, others can do something better. It is more important that they should get attention and not I, etc.
Why I want to change:
- I realize I am missing out on a lot of potential friends because I don't network or make an effort to get to know new people.
- I am also missing opportunities. I am starting a Master's programme in a new subject in September, and I am determined to make the most of my studies. But I'm afraid I'll miss lots of useful things because of my reluctance to engage. I have no idea how to get to know the faculty without having an agenda, for instance, or become an active member of societies.
- This makes people uncomfortable. For example, at my current job the people are absolutely wonderful, and the atmosphere is very friendly. And when I hang back, saying little and just observing, people assume I'm very shy and start paying too much attention to me, feeling bad for me and trying to "help" me. This is frustrating, though I know they mean well.
- This is just destructive. I know (intellectually) that I deserve attention as much as the next person. But how to make myself believe this?
I am currently working on this with a life coach but I don't really see much progress. I am actually considering therapy but I thought I'd ask for advice first. What kind of mindset could help me become more active? How can I convince myself it is important and not that scary to engage?
Any comments would be welcome. Thank you!
Best answer: As a Life Coach, I applaud you for working with a Life Coach, but if you're not seeing progress, don't feel bad about looking for a coach who is a better fit.
I'm like you.
As a writer and sometime novelist, I love to "people watch" and observe. Engaging the Observer, as Wayne Dyer calls it, is an important part of your spiritual and mental life, but we must also be careful of not having a healthy balance in our lives.
We must remember that emotions or feelings rarely encourage action, but that action can engage feelings and emotions. William James came upon this unique point of view and spent a majority of his life studying it.
I encourage my clients to join MeetUp and find others who are into whatever the heck they are into. I, myself, joined groups that were into Star Trek, Science Fiction conventions, yoga, singles outings, and many other things. I got out and about, and that led to the feelings that I wanted of connection, and led to communication, which led to friends that I still have to this day.
This is similar for a writer waiting for inspiration to strike.
If you wait for inspiration to strike, before you take action, you are going to be waiting a long time.
If you sit down at 9am each morning and write, amazingly enough, inspiration will start to strike at 9am every morning.
As you get out and about, and start "Acting As If" you will engage not the Observer, but the Participator.
I believe it really is that easy.
Ask yourself, "How would I act if I really loved talking to people?"
"How would I act if I loved going out and meeting new people?"
"How would I act if I were a really good conversationalist?"
"How would I act if I really loved people and were very interested in their life, experiences, and what they had to say?"
I wish you the bestest! You can do eet!
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 6:01 AM on July 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm like you.
As a writer and sometime novelist, I love to "people watch" and observe. Engaging the Observer, as Wayne Dyer calls it, is an important part of your spiritual and mental life, but we must also be careful of not having a healthy balance in our lives.
We must remember that emotions or feelings rarely encourage action, but that action can engage feelings and emotions. William James came upon this unique point of view and spent a majority of his life studying it.
I encourage my clients to join MeetUp and find others who are into whatever the heck they are into. I, myself, joined groups that were into Star Trek, Science Fiction conventions, yoga, singles outings, and many other things. I got out and about, and that led to the feelings that I wanted of connection, and led to communication, which led to friends that I still have to this day.
This is similar for a writer waiting for inspiration to strike.
If you wait for inspiration to strike, before you take action, you are going to be waiting a long time.
If you sit down at 9am each morning and write, amazingly enough, inspiration will start to strike at 9am every morning.
As you get out and about, and start "Acting As If" you will engage not the Observer, but the Participator.
I believe it really is that easy.
Ask yourself, "How would I act if I really loved talking to people?"
"How would I act if I loved going out and meeting new people?"
"How would I act if I were a really good conversationalist?"
"How would I act if I really loved people and were very interested in their life, experiences, and what they had to say?"
I wish you the bestest! You can do eet!
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 6:01 AM on July 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
Came in to say ask questions too. Conversation shouldn't be just about making points or persuading others to your point of view. The real point is to get to know the person across the table. To let them know you see them. Of course, they need to see you too; the relationship (whether important or minor) should be a two way street.
posted by postel's law at 6:08 AM on July 31, 2015
posted by postel's law at 6:08 AM on July 31, 2015
You sound a lot like me. I've been wrestling with this issue for years. There's some good advice here, like getting involved in Meetup groups. (I was fortunate and met some really great folks that way). I also recently joined my office softball team, not because I have a burning desire to play softball, but because someone asked me to, and saying yes was a way to push myself out of my comfort zone. So, next time someone asks you to do something like that, just push your doubts aside and give it a try. I hate commitment, and I hate the idea of losing my own autonomy, but showing up for a game once a week isn't really and overwhelming burden it turns out. So, start small, and keep trying. Don't get discouraged if you go to a meetup and the people are jerks. Try another one.
Like Major Matt Dixon, I'm a writer by trade, and he's right about the secret to writing. It is to sit down and do it. I recently started getting up at 5 a.m. every morning to work on a personal project I've been ignoring, and I've been surprised at the progress I've made. Take the same tack with socializing. Find something you want to get involved in, and set aside the time to do it. It can just be an hour or two a week, like with my softball commitment, but the important thing is to habituate yourself to it, so it becomes part of your routine. You'll probably never be the life of the party, and I never will be either, but that doesn't mean you can't put yourself out there and have meaningful interactions with other people.
posted by dortmunder at 6:35 AM on July 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
Like Major Matt Dixon, I'm a writer by trade, and he's right about the secret to writing. It is to sit down and do it. I recently started getting up at 5 a.m. every morning to work on a personal project I've been ignoring, and I've been surprised at the progress I've made. Take the same tack with socializing. Find something you want to get involved in, and set aside the time to do it. It can just be an hour or two a week, like with my softball commitment, but the important thing is to habituate yourself to it, so it becomes part of your routine. You'll probably never be the life of the party, and I never will be either, but that doesn't mean you can't put yourself out there and have meaningful interactions with other people.
posted by dortmunder at 6:35 AM on July 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
I do think people will find my views and my participation unimportant. Like - what do they care about my opinions? Others will say something more interesting, others can do something better. It is more important that they should get attention and not I, etc.
I am very similar to you, and what has helped the most, to be honest, was admitting to myself the hard truth that I was ultimately justifying being lazy, and that it wasn't fair to just be a consumer of what everyone else is contributing. I'm prone to similar rationalizations as the one above, but I've realized it just isn't true-- people want you to actively participate with whatever is going on, even if it is just a conversation. One-sided conversations are simply no fun, after all. And it was a serious revelation to me to realize that hanging back quietly is honestly so much more detrimental, as it can lead to people's first impression of me as cold/snotty.
Improv classes have helped me tremendously with this, both because my team was counting on equal contributions and as a way of getting over my hangups of making mistakes/being judged. Highly recommended-- especially if you're initial reaction to the idea is fear. Any kind of team situation is probably helpful though. Good luck!
posted by veery at 6:41 AM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am very similar to you, and what has helped the most, to be honest, was admitting to myself the hard truth that I was ultimately justifying being lazy, and that it wasn't fair to just be a consumer of what everyone else is contributing. I'm prone to similar rationalizations as the one above, but I've realized it just isn't true-- people want you to actively participate with whatever is going on, even if it is just a conversation. One-sided conversations are simply no fun, after all. And it was a serious revelation to me to realize that hanging back quietly is honestly so much more detrimental, as it can lead to people's first impression of me as cold/snotty.
Improv classes have helped me tremendously with this, both because my team was counting on equal contributions and as a way of getting over my hangups of making mistakes/being judged. Highly recommended-- especially if you're initial reaction to the idea is fear. Any kind of team situation is probably helpful though. Good luck!
posted by veery at 6:41 AM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm an introvert as well. I am not shy, I just don't get energy from engaging with folks the same way extroverts do.
BUT, I have a standing rule that if I get invited to a social event, and I don't have a conflict (and if it's on a weeknight, I don't already have more than 2 things set up after work that week), I say yes.
Like @dortmunder, my first inclination is to say no, so I just made the decision to say yes.
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:43 AM on July 31, 2015
BUT, I have a standing rule that if I get invited to a social event, and I don't have a conflict (and if it's on a weeknight, I don't already have more than 2 things set up after work that week), I say yes.
Like @dortmunder, my first inclination is to say no, so I just made the decision to say yes.
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:43 AM on July 31, 2015
I'm an extrovert. I love going out, being on stage energizes me, and I gravitate toward groups.
I've never even thought about the things you've so obviously considered at length. I mean, I know that there are social and even health benefits to being very social, but I don't analyze my personality type.
My S.O. is an introvert. He does what he wants to when he wants to, he's not shy, he's not socially lacking in any way, he's not got low self-esteem, he just doesn't give a shit about aggressively pursuing a social life. He's very happy doing nothing but working and staying home for months on end, but if I throw him into a social situation he does just fine and has a good time.
As you're clearly capable of performing even in leadership positions when necessary, why do you want to change? I mean, I get it about the networking, but you sound primarily balanced and satisfied and I don't understand why you'd want to make yourself be different than you are. Truth be told, a lot of the time we extroverts are just having inane conversations about nothing anyway, and you're not really missing much. You don't need to invest a huge amount of time in networking (as long as you're not stand-offish, bitchy, mean, or superior, people will know who you are and will offer you what you need).
I think you're just fine as you are and whoever's telling you that you're missing out is probably an extrovert who can't wrap her head around the fact that you don't need to live the way she does.
posted by goblinbox at 8:18 AM on July 31, 2015 [6 favorites]
I've never even thought about the things you've so obviously considered at length. I mean, I know that there are social and even health benefits to being very social, but I don't analyze my personality type.
My S.O. is an introvert. He does what he wants to when he wants to, he's not shy, he's not socially lacking in any way, he's not got low self-esteem, he just doesn't give a shit about aggressively pursuing a social life. He's very happy doing nothing but working and staying home for months on end, but if I throw him into a social situation he does just fine and has a good time.
As you're clearly capable of performing even in leadership positions when necessary, why do you want to change? I mean, I get it about the networking, but you sound primarily balanced and satisfied and I don't understand why you'd want to make yourself be different than you are. Truth be told, a lot of the time we extroverts are just having inane conversations about nothing anyway, and you're not really missing much. You don't need to invest a huge amount of time in networking (as long as you're not stand-offish, bitchy, mean, or superior, people will know who you are and will offer you what you need).
I think you're just fine as you are and whoever's telling you that you're missing out is probably an extrovert who can't wrap her head around the fact that you don't need to live the way she does.
posted by goblinbox at 8:18 AM on July 31, 2015 [6 favorites]
I think what you need is practice and courage. Practice speaking up and talking. You can even practice leaving comments on Facebook if something strikes you and you would genuinely like to comment on something. Not to get something out of it or to make yourself feel better, or feel more "engaged", but to comment because you find it interesting and would like to say something to the poster. For instance, if someone posts something about their pet or a new planet or anything you find interesting, speak up and say something if it strikes you. Facebook is mostly meaningless in my opinion (does very little in building real connection, but maybe it's a way to start practicing)
When you are out with people, act "as if". Push yourself a bit. That's the only way we can get better at anything. If I want to be a better runner, I cannot jog in my comfort zone. I have to feel the pain of running faster and push myself. Then there are rewards. Speak up, give a compliment, be a good listener. It is probably a very good idea for you to engage outside of school as well. Find something you find fun or meaningful -- an exercise class, church, a hobby, etc. -- there you will find more opportunities to connect and be brave. Good luck and all the best to you.
posted by Fairchild at 9:39 AM on July 31, 2015
When you are out with people, act "as if". Push yourself a bit. That's the only way we can get better at anything. If I want to be a better runner, I cannot jog in my comfort zone. I have to feel the pain of running faster and push myself. Then there are rewards. Speak up, give a compliment, be a good listener. It is probably a very good idea for you to engage outside of school as well. Find something you find fun or meaningful -- an exercise class, church, a hobby, etc. -- there you will find more opportunities to connect and be brave. Good luck and all the best to you.
posted by Fairchild at 9:39 AM on July 31, 2015
Best answer: I agree with goblinbox.
1. You're fine.
2. See 1.
The thing is, extroverts are lauded in today's western society. Incredibly so. Are you sure this is not some deep seated guilt brought on by someone or something else? Or societal pressures to 'do more stuff!' 'have more friends!' or 'get out more!' etc. If not, and you truly feel that your introversion is holding you back, then okay. But if you're honestly happy in your own company, then, that's not sad or necessarily something you have to work on.
Basically make sure that little nagging voice that is telling you to get out there is really coming from you, and if it is, make sure it's for the right reasons. I'm not sure that, 'it makes people uncomfortable' is the right reason. Is this a relatively new job? Are the other employees older females? In my experience, older females (especially with children) tend to mother hen the younger staff occasionally, and this happens with extroverts and introverts alike. Any quietness is viewed as an opportunity to 'help' the younger colleague. But lets say they are uncomfortable. Does it matter? Would it impact your work in a negative manner? Are you sure they wouldn't just get used to you hanging back? And is it so bad that they wanna 'help' you, besides some inital awkwardness?
I'm a lot like you. I am an slightly extroverted introvert. I'm a super introvert, but people would never really know it in a group setting -- I'm bubbly and talkative, and only when I have a really off day do I hover in corners and not talk much. I also feel drained after a long day of interacting and I also don't like Facebook for similar reasons -- I know I won't maintain it, I don't really care about every facet of my friends lives, and I am not gunna pretend they will care about mine. I also feel like it would infringe my freedom somehow, too. Like it's stifling for people to know what I did all day, somehow. Like it's not interesting, either.
If you're like me, you don't need practice and courage, because it's not shyness at play. It's a mindset. I did 7 years of customer service and got a plethora of rewards and feedback for my geniality and demeanor. I did a public speaking course at University I did amazingly well in. Whenever I do a focus group, I'm always the one piping up. Like you, I often get picked to lead those kind of things. I also flew halfway across the world, alone, forced into an incredibly uncomfortable social situation with strangers-- that not only did I make the best of, I met a ton of new people who gushed about me, and wanted to hang around with me; including my now boyfriend.
I'm good at talking to people. I'm good with people. I used to be a shy kid and I was often pushed myself to be and be social 'for my own good'. And yes, it worked. I am a firm believer in 'fake it til you make it,' because it does help. Acting confident absolutely boosted my confidence. I'm miles apart from the mousy teen I was. It's honestly like night and day.
But despite all the above, the mindset has never 'shifted' -- I didn't suddenly become an extrovert or something. While I enjoyed these activities and they weren't terrible, I'd still prefer to be curled up with a book than be in most of them. I'd still prefer to be here at home typing now, than to engage in idle chit chat with strangers-- or even friends--which I did all night tonight.
Despite the above, it's STILL draining to interact with people all day.
Obviously, I can't hole up forever. Everyone needs friends and interactions and such. But in my experience --speaking solely for myself-- I just cannot switch my mindset. It's not a choice. It's just part of who I am. It's like wishing for my eyes to be a different color. I can make myself do extroverted activities, and I can even enjoy them somewhat. I can't make myself suddenly become extroverted, or prefer those activities.
And you know what? That's ok.
But yeah, as I said, we can't hole up ALL the time. And if your goal is to 'make more friends', then awesome. Work on this. That's a great goal. But if your goal is 'what can I do to make me make me an extrovert!!' speaking for myself, that's not a realistic achievable goal, and it's not even something you should be aiming for. Because see 1. And if that's what you're wanting to happen, that might be why you think you're not 'really' seeing results with your Life Coach.
So, how to create and maintain friendships? I don't know because I'm still kinda bad at it-- I often neglect my friendships. But so far, what's worked for me, is just pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Starting a hobby group to meet new people. Make an excuse to talk to someone about classes or something and use that opportunity to get to know them bit by bit. You just listen a lot, and ask a lot. Try to really listen to what they're saying about themselves, be open minded. And you ask people out to things-- coffee, the movies, lunch, etc.
In my case, I basically have to put reminders/alarms on my phone and stuff to remind me to plan something to do with my friends, once or twice a month, otherwise time gets away from me, and suddenly I haven't seen them in half a year. Same with social media stuff. I have to set aside time to check and maintain stuff like that, like a chore, almost. This allows me to maintain a good balance between maintaining my friendships and extroverted activities, and cocooning myself up happily.
So yeah. That's me, in any case. I hope that helps somewhat. Good luck with it.
posted by Dimes at 11:57 AM on July 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
1. You're fine.
2. See 1.
The thing is, extroverts are lauded in today's western society. Incredibly so. Are you sure this is not some deep seated guilt brought on by someone or something else? Or societal pressures to 'do more stuff!' 'have more friends!' or 'get out more!' etc. If not, and you truly feel that your introversion is holding you back, then okay. But if you're honestly happy in your own company, then, that's not sad or necessarily something you have to work on.
Basically make sure that little nagging voice that is telling you to get out there is really coming from you, and if it is, make sure it's for the right reasons. I'm not sure that, 'it makes people uncomfortable' is the right reason. Is this a relatively new job? Are the other employees older females? In my experience, older females (especially with children) tend to mother hen the younger staff occasionally, and this happens with extroverts and introverts alike. Any quietness is viewed as an opportunity to 'help' the younger colleague. But lets say they are uncomfortable. Does it matter? Would it impact your work in a negative manner? Are you sure they wouldn't just get used to you hanging back? And is it so bad that they wanna 'help' you, besides some inital awkwardness?
I'm a lot like you. I am an slightly extroverted introvert. I'm a super introvert, but people would never really know it in a group setting -- I'm bubbly and talkative, and only when I have a really off day do I hover in corners and not talk much. I also feel drained after a long day of interacting and I also don't like Facebook for similar reasons -- I know I won't maintain it, I don't really care about every facet of my friends lives, and I am not gunna pretend they will care about mine. I also feel like it would infringe my freedom somehow, too. Like it's stifling for people to know what I did all day, somehow. Like it's not interesting, either.
If you're like me, you don't need practice and courage, because it's not shyness at play. It's a mindset. I did 7 years of customer service and got a plethora of rewards and feedback for my geniality and demeanor. I did a public speaking course at University I did amazingly well in. Whenever I do a focus group, I'm always the one piping up. Like you, I often get picked to lead those kind of things. I also flew halfway across the world, alone, forced into an incredibly uncomfortable social situation with strangers-- that not only did I make the best of, I met a ton of new people who gushed about me, and wanted to hang around with me; including my now boyfriend.
I'm good at talking to people. I'm good with people. I used to be a shy kid and I was often pushed myself to be and be social 'for my own good'. And yes, it worked. I am a firm believer in 'fake it til you make it,' because it does help. Acting confident absolutely boosted my confidence. I'm miles apart from the mousy teen I was. It's honestly like night and day.
But despite all the above, the mindset has never 'shifted' -- I didn't suddenly become an extrovert or something. While I enjoyed these activities and they weren't terrible, I'd still prefer to be curled up with a book than be in most of them. I'd still prefer to be here at home typing now, than to engage in idle chit chat with strangers-- or even friends--which I did all night tonight.
Despite the above, it's STILL draining to interact with people all day.
Obviously, I can't hole up forever. Everyone needs friends and interactions and such. But in my experience --speaking solely for myself-- I just cannot switch my mindset. It's not a choice. It's just part of who I am. It's like wishing for my eyes to be a different color. I can make myself do extroverted activities, and I can even enjoy them somewhat. I can't make myself suddenly become extroverted, or prefer those activities.
And you know what? That's ok.
But yeah, as I said, we can't hole up ALL the time. And if your goal is to 'make more friends', then awesome. Work on this. That's a great goal. But if your goal is 'what can I do to make me make me an extrovert!!' speaking for myself, that's not a realistic achievable goal, and it's not even something you should be aiming for. Because see 1. And if that's what you're wanting to happen, that might be why you think you're not 'really' seeing results with your Life Coach.
So, how to create and maintain friendships? I don't know because I'm still kinda bad at it-- I often neglect my friendships. But so far, what's worked for me, is just pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Starting a hobby group to meet new people. Make an excuse to talk to someone about classes or something and use that opportunity to get to know them bit by bit. You just listen a lot, and ask a lot. Try to really listen to what they're saying about themselves, be open minded. And you ask people out to things-- coffee, the movies, lunch, etc.
In my case, I basically have to put reminders/alarms on my phone and stuff to remind me to plan something to do with my friends, once or twice a month, otherwise time gets away from me, and suddenly I haven't seen them in half a year. Same with social media stuff. I have to set aside time to check and maintain stuff like that, like a chore, almost. This allows me to maintain a good balance between maintaining my friendships and extroverted activities, and cocooning myself up happily.
So yeah. That's me, in any case. I hope that helps somewhat. Good luck with it.
posted by Dimes at 11:57 AM on July 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I find this helps me seem like a "contributor" to the conversation without going outside my comfort zone.
posted by CMcG at 5:39 AM on July 31, 2015 [1 favorite]