restaurant etiquette: used tissue on finished plate?

July 30, 2015 11:49 PM

In a middle-of-the-road restaurant (i.e. not upscale, but not fast food), is it or is it not okay to leave a bunched-up, used tissue on a finished plate, alongside a bunched-up napkin, leftover food scraps and used cutlery?
posted by paleyellowwithorange to Society & Culture (41 answers total)

Chow's Table Manners column on the subject:

If there is a dispenser of paper serviettes, it’s OK to take one and use it as a tissue—provided you discard it or put it in your pocket afterward. Don’t leave it on the table. You should never make a server clean up your contaminated tissue, no matter how much you tip.

posted by zamboni at 11:57 PM on July 30, 2015 [23 favorites]

What, a personal tissue, like a Kleenex that someone used to blow their nose? Not ok! (Your SO or whoever is wrong.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:10 AM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]

I will own up to having done this, but I always make sure that it's wrapped up in another clean paper napkin. I would not do this in a place that uses cloth napkins.
posted by Mizu at 12:16 AM on July 31, 2015 [3 favorites]

What, like at Applebees or something? I think it's alright if you wrap it up in one or two (depending on what happened to it) extra layers of clean napkins.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 12:35 AM on July 31, 2015

My gut reaction as someone from the U.S.: No, not ok.
posted by whitewall at 12:35 AM on July 31, 2015 [3 favorites]

I... do this all the time, because eating triggers copious amounts of needing to blow my nose for some reason. I do always double or triple wrap it up... overall it sucks, but I don't have a better alternative
posted by easter queen at 12:37 AM on July 31, 2015

No. And... why would you do this to a server or the kitchen staff? Either you're using paper napkins wastefully to wrap up a snot-rag, or you're disrespecting them by leaving biological waste trash around for them to handle/remove.
I really struggle to understand how this can be considered a valid alternative to taking it with you and disposing of it yourself, in a bin.

(ETA: speaking as someone who worked in catering & has had to deal with the gross crap people think it's OK to leave behind...)
posted by AFII at 12:52 AM on July 31, 2015 [7 favorites]

Whoever is cleaning your plate isn't really going to touch your leftover junk anyway, they're likely going to scrape it off with a knife or something, so why not? Jamming your used napkins down into the bottom of a glass, or worse, little serving jug of milk or gravy, on the other hand: first up against the wall when the revolution comes.
posted by mythical anthropomorphic amphibian at 12:53 AM on July 31, 2015 [12 favorites]

Look at it this way: would YOU want to deal with someone else's snot? Expecting someone who probably doesn't even earn minimum wage to tidy up something like that after you is vulgar.
posted by Solomon at 12:56 AM on July 31, 2015 [3 favorites]

Because... often there isn't a bin. If you go to the restaurant host and ask for the nearest trashcan they will say "oh! I'll take that for you!" and then you're supposed to put it into their bare hands? If you're already going to the bathroom, then yes, take it with you, but not everybody always thinks to go to the bathroom in a restaurant (I'm looking at you, men) and I've even had the situation happen where I'm sick, blowing my nose discretely, the waiter walks up mid-blow and says "How's everything guys?" (how do they always do this at the most inconvenient time) and then they say, when I'm crumpling my sicky tissue, trying to say "just fine", they interrupt with "Oh, can I take that for you ma'am?" along with straw wrappers and empty sugar packets.

Honestly if you're wiping your mouth on a napkin it's not all that much different from wiping your nose. But if I'm sick yet I am still in public (uuuugh) I will specifically hoard tissues in a purse or pocket and dispose of them in the bathroom, where I am also carefully washing my hands a lot. But like, if it's really spicy food that makes my nose run, or the pollen count is really high, and I have to blow my nose to breathe, I'm going to do that at a table, unless the restaurant is really quiet and swanky (like, silver crumb-scraper swanky) or I need to impress my dining companions with my table manners. Any used tissue will be wrapped in a clean one (or paper napkin) and then it's just a question of if this goes on the plate with other dinner detritus or in my pocket to be forgotten about? Usually it's the latter but not always. I don't expect waitstaff to handle my tissues directly but they definitely have asked to, which weirds me out. But ultimately it's not that different from a napkin that has been used to wipe the mouth, which I also don't expect them to handle directly but instead pile onto a plate and scrape off into a compost bin.
posted by Mizu at 1:06 AM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Don't blow your nose at the table unless you're dealing with a nasal emergency. For most normal nose-blowing activities, you've already excused yourself from the table, so obviously you wouldn't bring the tissue back.
posted by zachlipton at 1:28 AM on July 31, 2015 [34 favorites]

I do this all the time (though usually I'm using the paper serviette not my own tissue so it's more discreet). I'd love to be able to excuse myself everytime I needed to at dinner like Zach suggests but as my nose runs continuously whenever I eat I'd look ridiculous and wouldn't get through my meal. I'm not so much blowing my nose, just wiping quietly.

No normal person clears a plate with their hands, so there's not actually any hygiene issue.

My partner has the same problem as me, but sometimes leaves the dirty tissue/serviette not on the plate but just on the table - which I think is *not* on, because then someone other than him has to touch it.
posted by cloverthistle at 1:44 AM on July 31, 2015 [1 favorite]

Uh, the waitstaff who say 'can I take that sir' are doing so because
1. They don't want you to stuff that tissue in the glass/hide it somewhere where they might touch it by accident
2. Are doing it because they rely on tips and are part of a slightly oppressive service culture
3. Still go back into the kitchen, say 'ugh gross!', wash their hands and feel unpleasant about having to handle it.

They are not doing so because 4. They like handling your snotty tissues/think it's an OK part of their job.

Put it in your pocket, your bag, and bin when possible. Take it to the restroom if all else fails and flush it away. Don't use your power as a customer to make someone clear up your dirty tissues, it's unkind.
posted by AFII at 1:48 AM on July 31, 2015 [6 favorites]

Definitely not okay, put it in your pocket and dispose of it yourself! (Or purse or whatever if you don't have pockets).
posted by Justinian at 1:53 AM on July 31, 2015 [3 favorites]

Not only is leaving a used tissue a big no-no, leaving it (or your napkin) ON the plate is also unacceptable. Stuff your used tissues in your pocket or purse or just wad them in you hand until you find a trash can; leave your napkin next to or tucked under the edge of your plate.
posted by easily confused at 3:08 AM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]

I can be fairly snotty when consuming hot liquids and sometimes use the paper serviette to clear my nose, it always goes in my pocket. Leaving it lying around is grim.
posted by biffa at 3:11 AM on July 31, 2015 [5 favorites]

Put your used tissue in your pocket or handbag, throw it in the bin the next time you see one. Servers shouldn't have to deal with anything more personal than lipstick on napkins.
posted by sukeban at 3:15 AM on July 31, 2015 [3 favorites]

You don't leave used tissues anywhere public. Carry a plastic bag in your purse to throw your used tissues away in, and put the bag in the trash when you get home.
posted by tel3path at 3:48 AM on July 31, 2015 [4 favorites]

When I was a waiter/kitchenhand, I didn't care one way or another. That plate just gets scraped straight off into the bin, regardless of what's on it - with a fork. I wasn't touching anything, and if my experience working in hospitality is anything to go by, you see way grosser shit than that - quite possibly every hour, quite possibly from the people you work with.

So one "behind the scenes" vote for Not a Big Deal.
posted by smoke at 4:10 AM on July 31, 2015 [19 favorites]

It's cool that no one ever puts their silverware or drinking glasses or pizza crusts anywhere near their saliva-filled mouth, which is just as gross as their nose.

I used to clear tables in a casual restaurant (rhymes with Bolive Blarden) for money back in the day, and I can personally vouch for the fact that everything that diners leave behind is disgusting, boogers or no. Especially their dirty, dirty tip money. Put your tissues wherever you want.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:05 AM on July 31, 2015 [8 favorites]

This is why ladies and gentlemen carry handkerchiefs.
posted by Ideefixe at 5:16 AM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]

As someone who works in food service, I'm really shocked by all the people upthread who seem to think that leaving a tissue on your plate is so terrible. I think that it's a bit uncouth, maybe. But I'm sure that I've used a serviette as a tissue before and probably put it on my plate. There's not really much difference whether it's a tissue or a serviette apart from there being some plausible deniability that there's snot on a serviette.

I saw upthread that someone said that it's against etiquette to leave your serviette on your plate. I disagree with this for a couple of reasons: 1. Putting your serviette on your plate is the clearest signal that you're finished, since some people don't know about how to signal that with their cutlery. 2. When I'm clearing your plates, I want to be able to take as much with me as quickly as I can. I feel bad enough disturbing you as it is without needing to take extra time to gather all the serviettes and other bits of junk that people have left all over the table.

Just please do not put your serviettes or rubbish inside cups or glasses. Especially not if there's water still in the glass (WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO THIS?).
posted by kinddieserzeit at 5:27 AM on July 31, 2015 [8 favorites]

Another former waitress who says putting it on your plate is fine, as long as you don't put it in your glass. Everything on plates goes straight in the trash, untouched by the server's hands, so it isn't any worse or less sanitary than the ribs a diner has been chewing flesh from, or the piece of gristle someone has discreetly removed from their mouth and placed on the edge of the plate, or the half-gummed grilled cheese that a toddler lost interest in eating halfway through.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 5:38 AM on July 31, 2015 [8 favorites]

As a former server, I'd say it's not great, but not the worst thing in the world. Put it on your plate so no one has to touch it. (And, to address the side conversation: if you're eating at a restaurant with paper napkins, YES PLEASE put your used napkin on your plate when you're done. People have to bus your table with their bare hands, and putting your napkin on your plate makes their job easier and minimizes contact with your germs.)

It's good etiquette, however, to minimize the amount of cleaning up the restaurant staff has to do. If your server didn't bring it to the table, don't make him take it.

And I have to agree with zachlipton: if you're doing something that renders the tissue too disgusting to be left at the table, you probably shouldn't be doing it at the table in the first place. Gross.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:52 AM on July 31, 2015 [3 favorites]

To me, it's a matter of respect. Used tissues are disgusting. I wouldn't expect anybody else in my life to handle my used snotrags, and I sure don't want to handle anybody else's (my wife and I will handle each other's, but - we're married. And I still feel guilty), so I don't expect my waitperson to do so, either.

I'm glad to know that some actual food service professionals are chiming in to say they don't mind it, but I'll probably continue to stick my tissues in my pocket any time I have to wipe my nose at the table. That way, even if I end up with a waitperson who does mind, they won't have to deal with it.
posted by DingoMutt at 5:58 AM on July 31, 2015 [5 favorites]

...but I don't have a better alternative

Put them in your pocket and dispose of them yourself.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:03 AM on July 31, 2015 [4 favorites]

My waitressing days are long past but I concur with others. When you clear plates, it's much easier if you don't have to pick up every bit of rubbish on the table, so used paper serviettes - used as tissues or not - on plates is much easier. Plate gets taken back and scraped into bin with a utensil, not hands (gross) so no dramas. My time as a waitress (and also as a diner where a close friend worked) has, however, left me with the habit of stacking finished dishes and cutlery so they are easier to clear.
posted by Athanassiel at 6:18 AM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]

What DingoMutt said. I was raised in the "do not blow your nose at the table" school of manners. But more importantly, once you are past the stage of needing your diaper changed, you do not expect other people to clean up your bodily effluvia or clear away the tissues/cloths/whathaveyou that you used to clean up your effluvia unless you are quite ill indeed.

Even at home, I put my used tissue in my pocket until I can walk it to the trash can.
posted by crush-onastick at 6:19 AM on July 31, 2015 [3 favorites]

Former dishwasher here. There are lots of gross things that come through to the back (chewed food! medicine wrappers! bizarre melanges of condiments!). A tissue isn't the worst of it. My biggest personal gross-out factor was lipstick on coffee cups.

As a fellow patron, though, I am thoroughly skeeved out by nose blowing at the table. If you have a situation so phlegmy that it makes noise or makes a tissue soggy, do that in the restroom. I have literally lost my appetite after being forced to watch some guy at the next table blow wetly and thoroughly into a dinner napkin.

(Also: eponysterical.)
posted by mochapickle at 6:23 AM on July 31, 2015 [1 favorite]

It's been a while, but during high school I worked in a restaurant (and started as a dishwasher) and a napkin or kleenex on a plate definitely fell under "picture me giving a damn? I said never."

For all of this people who are horrified by the thought, maybe on a stormy night I'll get a flashlight to hold under my chin and tell them about working in a nursing home as a CNA and with the developmentally disabled at a vocational program. Oh, the excretions!
posted by mr. digits at 6:24 AM on July 31, 2015 [3 favorites]

I'm assuming we're talking about discreet nose-wiping, yes? I would agree that blowing is just right out - anything that makes a noise isn't something that should be done within earshot of people trying to eat.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:34 AM on July 31, 2015

I'm assuming we're talking about discreet nose-wiping, yes?

Yes, I think there's a threshold of deniable plausibility where a crumpled-up tissue could just have been used to wipe away a tear of joy or excess sanitizer, etc. If there's any recognizable substance on it, it's probably best just to put that in your pocket. It just makes the world a nicer place for everyone.
posted by mochapickle at 6:48 AM on July 31, 2015 [3 favorites]

The one time where I had to blow my nose at the table repeatedly into napkins was when I had a bowl of (surprisingly) very spicy ramen. I don't see how I could have avoided it.
I did stick the napkins in my bag, though.
posted by Omnomnom at 7:05 AM on July 31, 2015

It was back before smoking bans when I last worked in a restaurant, but honestly, snotty rags were far less disgusting than cigarettes - which stank and stuck to everything even a little bit wet. Tissues were far easier to deal with.

And really, as a person with severe seasonal allergies - whatever is in my nose is coming out when it's coming out. I try to be unobtrusive, but the snot factory cares not about your rules. Sorry not sorry.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 7:09 AM on July 31, 2015 [1 favorite]

To elaborate...

Agree you should not be blowing your nose in a restaurant dining area of any caliber, excuse yourself and blow your nose in the bathroom. There are trash cans in restaurant bathrooms, so problem is mostly solved.

If you must dab at your nose during your meal, take that tissue with you or wrap it in paper napkins. Don't leave it for anyone to touch, that's rude and gross.

I am also happy to consult my collection of vintage etiquette books, for I am certain there's an opinion there that is even more stuffy than my answer.

BTW, I'm a culinary professional and def worked as a server. I am very firm on the Nose Blowing Rule (don't touch your face in front of food or guests - go to the bathroom and wash your hands afterwards!) and I think blowing your nose in a restaurant dining area generally is verboten.

Just the thought of it *shivers.*
posted by jbenben at 8:15 AM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]

Nobody wants to think about snot at table. That's why we have the traditional etiquette rule that says you shouldn't be blowing your nose there in the first place. If you have some kind of chronic nasal issue that needs to be accommodated, then of course you'll already have your tissues/hanky on you and you can then put it back where it came from until the meal is over. I don't see this is as so much an issue for the servers as for your fellow diners. Even if you only do it when leaving the table, people see it. It's unpleasant.

(Also, your question implies that your used napkin is bunched up on your plate. It should be loosely folded and placed to the side of your plate when you get up to leave. The whole idea here is to keep the table from looking like a pile of garbage.)
posted by HotToddy at 8:16 AM on July 31, 2015 [6 favorites]

Any restaurant that utilizes paper napkins is not in a position to care if I leave my used napkins on my plate. Any person I'm with who cares what I do with my used paper napkins needs to mind their own business. (Note that I'm not blowing my nose at the table, I'm just wiping food debris from my face or hands.)

Leaving a soiled napkin next to your plate instead of on the plate actually creates more work for the person who clears the table and forces them to touch the offending object. Leaving it on your plate with the rest of your gross, uneaten food, broccoli stems, gristly bits and saliva-coated silverware makes it easier for the server or busser to take it all away without touching any of it (the edges of the plates are the least contaminated).

I'm sure there's etiquette concerning napkins, but let's be real here: sometimes rules of etiquette are outdated and senseless and do more harm than good. I don't care what Emily Post says about where to put my used paper napkin when I'm eating at Denny's.
posted by i feel possessed at 10:27 AM on July 31, 2015 [1 favorite]

As a former server at a paper-napkin type restaurant, I didn't care because all the other trash on the table touched your bodily effluvia anyway--straws and napkins have your spit on them, you cough and cover your mouth or lick salt off your fingers and then touch your glass and utensils, adjust your chair, etc. I assumed it was all covered in grease and germs and operated accordingly. Snotty tissue? Piece of cake!

(And it seems nobody ever cleans off the salt and pepper shakers! Think of that next time you salt your french fries and then use the same hand to eat them! And consider what other tables the cloth that wipes off your table has cleaned before popping the fry that fell off your plate into your mouth!)
posted by telophase at 10:28 AM on July 31, 2015 [2 favorites]

Oh, and sorry for not quite answering the question. If there's absolutely nowhere else to dispose of the tissue, putting it on the plate isn't the worst place to leave it (that would be the table), especially if nothing gross can be seen. But I'd never blow my nose at the table if I could help it.
posted by i feel possessed at 10:57 AM on July 31, 2015

All these people who are suggesting putting tissues in pockets are obviously men who have not counted the number of functional pockets on most women's clothing. Especially the sort of stuff you'd wear to eat out.
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 5:19 PM on August 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

I mean if I'm out somewhere and I have my handbag, I use a tissue for my nose, and probably stuff the used tissue right back into my bag. But if I don't have my bag, and I'm having some kind of sudden laksa situation, I'm going to need some serviettes (actually a lot, because I am a messy eater, even of tidy foods) and they're all going onto a plate or something and the kitchen folk are going to scrape it all off with a utensil. I think this is the sort of thing people who haven't worked in kitchens worries makes them look like elitist swine, the same impulse that drives people to bring their dirty plates and whatnot to the kitchen door, thereby completely wrecking the kitchen's process, and forcing someone to leave their station to come and take it from you and say thank you. Please just leave your stuff on the table. And remember, we tell staff to wash their hands, to protect you, the customer, but also to protect our innocent young kitchen staff from whatever horrible disease you, the customer, is trying to give them.
posted by mythical anthropomorphic amphibian at 1:11 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]