How do I sleep alone again?

July 29, 2015 12:57 AM

I'm ending a relationship of 5 years (37F). It's hard and sad to begin with, and then there's the fact that I have always hated sleeping alone, and I'm beside myself with anxiety over doing it again. What do I do?

Co-sleeping has always been a major benefit of a relationship for me. I feel so much calmer and happier with a warm, loving body beside me. I'm dreading the lack of one, and it's really depressing me. I can't stop the thoughts that this may be the last time I find a warm sleep companion, as I'm not young and don't live in an area with many singles.

I have a cat but he doesn't like to cuddle at night. I don't want to own a dog - it wouldn't be fair with my work schedule.

I'm dreading being sad and lonely in bed. Other than klonopin, what can I do?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total)

I'm sorry to hear about your break-up.

It's OK to be sad and even to wallow in a little self-pity for awhile. That said, I think 37 is actually quite young, and people fall in love at all ages! You could try online dating to meet someone to date long-distance, someone new could move into town, etc. The odds may be against you but chances are you'll eventually find someone to share your bed with. For now, is there a friend who might be open to a platonic sleepover? What about planning a trip with a friend where you each have your own bed but share a hotel room? These things might feel odd to request but I'd likely try to accommodate, at least once or twice, if you were my friend and shared this email with me. I've heard there are now adult sleepover camps, too. (I read an article about this recently and will try to find it: perhaps someone else can faster?)

The bottom line is that you just are going to have to do it and it's going to be OK, even if it's not your preferred mode. I'm assuming that you're probably not considering one-night stands with strangers so you have someone to share the bed with occasionally but, hey, it's a coping mechanism for some people (although not without its own challenges or downsides.) You can make your bed as comfy as possible; if you really think it could help and your current cat would accept it, what about getting a second cat who's more of a cuddler? You may find yourself really enjoying having your own space after awhile and then, in a few years, might be posing the opposite questions!

Break-ups suck for big and little reasons but life (almost always) gets better, and there's always help if that sadness lingers.
posted by smorgasbord at 1:20 AM on July 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Treat yourself to some really nice bedding - I have a microfiber duvet that's like sleeping in a cloud! - maybe some fancy PJs, and a new bath towel. Tidy the heck out of your bedroom, clean the bathroom until it sparkles. Get some kind of special treat breakfast.

You are now having a Retreat at the Anonymous Spa Hotel. When it's nearly bedtime, have a lovely long bath with your favourite smellies, and then take yourself to bed in your fancy PJs, read a bit of your book if you like, and go to sleep in the knowledge that the Anonymous Spa Hotel is looking after you, and that the Anonymous Spa Hotel does really great breakfasts.
posted by emilyw at 1:43 AM on July 29, 2015 [13 favorites]

stuffed animals, body pillow, heating pad might help
posted by discopolo at 2:04 AM on July 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

I was in the same situation and I bought myself a stuffed animal to sleep with. It helps!
posted by désoeuvrée at 2:57 AM on July 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Could you get a second, cuddlier cat? Mine really help me sleep when my husband's not around. I agree that sleeping alone is hard to adjust to.
posted by chaiminda at 3:23 AM on July 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

A cuddly Maine Coon works pretty well (*ahem*). Google "boyfriend arm pillow" and "pregnancy pillow".....sooooo comfortable.

I also like having some radio or something playing... books on tape maybe. The Lake Woebegone parts of Prairie Home Companion, David Attenborough, and Stephen Fry are favourites.
posted by jrobin276 at 3:44 AM on July 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

I can't stop the thoughts that this may be the last time I find a warm sleep companion, as I'm not young and don't live in an area with many singles.

I think your anxiety about solo sleeping is probably to a large extent displaced anxiety about the above, which is basically the fundamental breakup fear that "Nobody will ever love me again." It's important to be concious and critical about whatever the real thoughts are that are driving your emotions.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:11 AM on July 29, 2015 [18 favorites]

When I was in the same position - at the same age - I used to sleep with a soft woolen blanket (that my ex got me) rolled up that I would cuddle. Definitely a form of regression in a way (I can't sleep without my blanky!) but it helped. But seconding DarlingBri that your anxiety may be tied up with fears of being alone in general. Taking some time to explore those feelings might be as helpful as thinking about the practical ways you can feel better at night.
posted by billiebee at 4:26 AM on July 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Nthing second cat. We've got 4 (thanks, veterinarian-to-be kid who rescues cats):

Fat Tony Soprano likes to protect the bedroom by sleeping in the doorway;
One-Eyed Bobo has to do several laps of the bed to ensure there are no monsters and then sleeps with Fat Tony;
Queen Ava Puffles gets the spot next to your feet; and
Mikko Mr. Chubs Meow Meow Meow can only fall asleep by sitting on my head and he turns his purrbox up WAY high.

I'm going with second cat.
posted by kinetic at 4:58 AM on July 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

Wedge yourself in between two body pillows and take comfort that the pillow won't mind when you've had beans for dinner.

You won't always be alone.
posted by myselfasme at 5:33 AM on July 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

In a similar situation, I started listening to fun, comforting audiobooks when I went to bed-- basically nurturing myself with a bedtime story to lull me to sleep. It worked really well, especially since it distracted me from the otherwise anxious/lonely feelings I'd otherwise generate.
posted by veery at 6:05 AM on July 29, 2015

I find a heavy blanket helps. Not necessarily a warm blanket, but something with some weight really seems to help trigger a feeling of safety for me.
posted by WidgetAlley at 6:20 AM on July 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

You could try listening to the Sleep with Me Podcast to distract you to sleep with aimless, meandering bedtime stories. I love having a "borefriend" with me to stop the incessant thoughts I have running through my head when I try to sleep. It sounds silly, but it totally works. Best of luck to you! ♥
posted by Maya Cecile at 6:34 AM on July 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Use of clonazepam (Klonopin) actually can disrupt sleep, so you might want to rethink your dosage schedule.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:09 AM on July 29, 2015

this may be weird, but how comfortable is your couch? when i was going through a super-lonely phase, i couldn't stand how empty and cold the bed felt, so i just slept in my big armchair thing for a while. it's not a long-term solution, but it worked for the tough transitioning period. couches are not as big as beds and can feel cuddly when you're leaning up against the back. it also doesn't mentally associate with "going to bed alone now!", rather, "i'm going to take a slightly longer nap." if you wake up in the middle of the night, you can always groggily move to the bed, and you'll be too tired to care then.
posted by monologish at 7:40 AM on July 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Maybe address the anxiety portion directly with therapy so you can unload some of these feelings that get in the way of sleep? And check in with your doctor about the best sleep meds while you deal with the worst of it?

You feel how you feel and you feel it really strongly right now. That is okay. But I am here to tell you that you are not old and you are never too old to fall in love.
posted by *s at 7:41 AM on July 29, 2015

I sleep with a body pillow and sometimes my old Care Bear
posted by lakersfan1222 at 8:03 AM on July 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

I agree with the idea of a second cat! Our cat rarely abandons the bed at night (even when it's 90 degrees and we would rather he sleep elsewhere!) so there are definitely cats out there that will do this. I'd suggest going to an animal shelter and seeking out the snuggliest kitty you can find.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:19 AM on July 29, 2015

Treat yourself to a couple of really nice, fluffy down/feather pillows, perhaps even a big body pillow. And get some brand new, super-comfy sheets. Maybe even a new, decadent mattress.

You're 37, that was NOT the last time you are going to have a warm body beside you, trust me. Meditate on this thought: the best loving of your life is in front of you, not behind you.
posted by dbiedny at 9:10 AM on July 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

One hot water bottle on the tummy and one in the small of the back. Recommended to me by a therapist years ago and it was the most simple, wonderful, comforting solution.
posted by Specklet at 9:22 AM on July 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

White noise machine! Mine is so comforting.
posted by capricorn at 1:37 PM on July 29, 2015

Stuff animal(s)! I love snuggling with my stuffed animals when I'm sleeping alone. Makes me feel so much better! When my parents divorced I noticed one of my childhood ones casually appeared in my mom's room, so I'm thinking she took the advice I'm giving.
posted by radioamy at 2:52 PM on July 29, 2015

Things that have helped me:

1. New, fancy sheets that feel awesome to sleep with (even a new mattress/bed, if you want to splurge)

2. Warmth! I use a sock filled with lentils heated in the microwave, but there are fancier options out there.

3. Fluffy down comforter (when it's cool out) and big pillows that can be cuddled up to.

4. Keeping an active social life - hanging out or even just texting a friend earlier that evening helps ward off the lonely feeling.

5. Similarly, take some time before bed to cuddle/play with your cat, even if he won't cuddle at night.

6. Remember that the majority of the lonely feelings are temporary and sleeping alone won't bother you nearly as much once you're used to it again, even if it isn't your preference. It feels awful now, but it'll be much easier soon, even if you do end up single for a long time (which won't necessarily happen!). You'll get through it!
posted by randomnity at 3:28 PM on July 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

...allow me to introduce the greatest invention ever, The Boyfriend Pillow.
posted by aristotlefangirl at 2:01 PM on August 1, 2015